Autistic Masking and Unmasking ft. @Aspergers from the Inside 

There is another bad side effect of masking. If you mask from a very young age, by the time you realize "hey, I'm autistic!" your sense of identity can get a bit warped.

I never realized that emotional intelligence could be a special interest. That stopped me in my tracks when he said that bc I've been obsessed with understanding my emotions and motivations as well as others' and I never realized that might be a special interest for me

I unmasked and was rejected and judged by family and friends. Really reenforced my already low self esteem. I'm very isolated now but I refuse to fake who I am anymore.

Honestly I would go to more parties if people would talk to me about psychology and game theory.

"im not broken" that goes deep. it took me discovering a "disorder" to feel not broken anymore. hah thats ironic.

"If people accept you for your mask, it feels like a rejection, because I feel that, if they really understood who I really was, behind the mask, surely I would be rejected." My partner is going through this at the minute, and it's heartbreaking to see from the outside. But he has masked for so long, he feels he doesn't even know WHO he is without his mask. :'(

I'm a well-educated 55 plus woman. I've spend most of my life wondering why human interaction and relationships are so difficult. Recently, I found out. If I had only know sooner I would have avoided a lot of depression, poor self esteem and lost relationships. Very thankful for what you do!

When Paul lost track of the conversation and..it was perfectly okay and he could simply ask where they were at and then picked up the train of thought again. It was all okay. I'm literally in tears at that simple moment. I don't even understand how that's possible to be so comfortable in a conversation

The feeling rejected for people loving your mask is beyond resonating with me. It became a joke among a small group of friends (before any of us knew about this) that when a new person would visit and meet me I would be at an 11/10 (fire all the available charm, humor, kindness guns asap!) and they would say "I know I just met you but-" and all my friends would start to laugh "I just love you instantly!" and they would laugh hysterically and I would laugh and do the whole self deprecation "who, me?" song and dance. The new person would be confused and some friend would jump in to say that this happens every time, that I'm pretty much a god of first impressions. Inside I'm shrinking, thinking "Oh no, I've done it again, how long do I have to keep this up? Forever?" Looking at this pattern with distance it's pretty ridiculous for this to happen every time. Why did I feel this need to project this awesome person so strongly from the get go, not giving anyone the chance to see me and grow their own opinion slowly? WELL, I feel I'm getting potential answers slowly...

I'm a Speech Therapist. I want to cry watching this. There is so much misunderstanding and force on children I see to fill their beautifully unfolding mind into a boring old box. I really wish parents are more understanding. thank you for sharing. Ur voice is the change.

My diary was either me attempting to write things I thought I was supposed to write or be feeling written with extreme paranoia that someone else will read it and judge my inner thoughts. Or I actually write what I'm thinking and I find it so embarrassing and wrong so I hate myself more and scratch out the page and any other marks on pages underneath incase someone can read it from the imprint

Lockdown was no stress for me. Work from home, didnt have to go out and do things I didnt want to do. There wasnt really anything I felt was missing and I felt I gained a huge level of comfortableness which will sadly go away when I am forced back into the office.

63 years old, learned was autistic (and not BP, OCD, ADD) last year... and I’ve masked so long it has become part of who I am whenever I am around people. It is horribly exhausting and I really thought this was what life was just like... “see people, get exhausted, come apart, get apart, recover”. Recently found my old primary school report cards, and the progression of learning to mask is so completely obvious. Hiding stims, disappearing, either doing extremely well in school or not doing school at all. I have started trying to not mask around my kids, but the switch is so automatic.

The thing Sam said about talking about game theory hit really close. Whenever I find out people have a favourite subject, I try talk about the subject, just how I’d enjoy it if someone spoke about my special interest. I always got weird looks when I’d start going on about colour theory after being told that someone enjoyed art lessons.

Yes! I eat the same breakfast absolutely every day and it means so much to to me ♡ I dont know how I'd ever let anyone into my daily life because although I'm rarely bored, I'm sure I'm incredibly boring to a typical. I have no interest in drinking, eating out, going to parties, etc. I could read & watch fascinating documentaries for the rest of my life. Luckily, I'm an artist, which is kind of a transparent mask. People expect artists to be strange, lol

It is so strange to hear, that neurotypicals freak out when someone goes off script. Shouldn't the neurotypicals be good at it? But, I must say, it is a relief to hear that.

I think we've all had the moment where someone tells you just to fake it till you make it and you realized you've been doing that for years and the making it has yet to happen and you decide to stop faking it. If you're never gonna make it, might as well be sane and not making it.

I think you two need a podcast.... Discussing different aspects of the Autism spectrum and experience... I would listen to it! Informative and relaxing. And as some one who cannot be diagnosed in my state because of my age I would appreciate the insights.

On the question "what did you do at the weekend" I often find I hold back what I actually did on the weekend as it usually involves recharging, mostly being indoors and maybe playing videogames or updating my family tree, but I often just not say those things!

WOW!🤯 The safest person you can be around is yourself”🤯THAT is why we say we’d rather be alone, need solo time, etc. it’s not only because we are exhausted from Masking, subconsciously we know it’s because this is where we are safest with no one to judge us or hurt us.

Listening this with tears in my eyes. I have never, in all the years I've essentially been raised on youtube, felt so SEEN. Thank you for this collaborative video. Thank you both.

Going off script in the "how are you?" scenario is something I resonate with oh so much! The best thing that happened in those terms is attending a party where someone started the conversation with "So what are you working on?" instead of "What do you do?" and it worked so much better. I could pick the project I had going at the moment. I'm sure many people will relate with their own version of that dreadlocks story. Thanks Paul. And Sam, for hosting.

I've been saying "fake it til you break it" my whole life, so this cracked me up. I found out about autistic burnout a few months after it happened to me. Thank you for the video.

So i spent 2 years at work worrying what people thought of me and trying really hard to be likable to them and act in ways that didn't offend them. I got fired and no one knew. I just disappeared. And NOT A SINGLE PERSON TEXTED ME TO ASK IF I WAS OK. this was a rude awakening. All the energy into worrying what they thought of me... and it turns out THEY DIDN'T. at all. It hurts a lot. But it's also a good lesson.

“Before I had a diagnosis it was just called coping and fitting in and...” YES! Before I thought to get a diagnosis of ASD I’ve been diagnosis with depression etc and I was told “fake it to make it” was a healthy coping mechanism!! Waaay before I thought about getting a diagnosis I realised “fake it to make it” didn’t work! Lol! It exhausted me!! It did me head in that professionals told me to do it and I knew it didn’t work!!

I'm one of those who answer and innocent question about my day by ecplaining everything. One time, I was in charge of taking care of my grandma while my parents were on holiday, and it really stressed me out. I met the mom of a friend of mine at the grocery store and ended up telling her about how I had to send my grandma to hostipal, and how my parents were away and all that. Somewhere I figured I was oversharing, but it was too late, because I was almost in tears. She gave me a hug and made sure I was ok, and I was so embarassed about my behaviour.

"Pass, next question" & "What's your super power?" I love that!

I have a daugther 10 years old. She uses to visit a family twice in a month. The mother in this family know my girl for about 5 years now. Finally My daughter got a diagnose, so we can understand and help her. About this family. They are very social and There's is many meetings and birthdays and stuff. My daughter get tired, quiet and bored. This family try to engage her and kind of press her to be there. When my daughter has Not a very clear expression in her face, they said to her "put a smile in your face". I get worried about it. I reacted strong to this and I try to understand that This family wants a "happy, please girl", Without Understanding thoughts and feelings. They have good intentions maybe and They want my girl being accepted in social context, but To Teach her to fake a smile with them is not good for her mental health. Sorry about my English. Hugs from Norway 🍁

My favorite party small talk question is "Where is your Favorite Bridge?" I borrowed it from Hank Green and it always gets interesting answers. I hate small talk.

I once had a bumper sticker that said something like, "It is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not."

It seems to me that pretty much everyone has an ‘image’ a ‘persona’ that they play out in the world (whether they realize it or not). Behind closed doors, many are different, or would like to be. That is why we like Pets, because they accept us for who we really are. I’d say that autistic people just get fed up with playing the facade a lot quicker then average people. They find more value and satisfaction in being their real self, being truthful.

I knew I was "odd" and "different" pretty early in life. I had the first inklings in first grade at primary school, where they did some tests - puzzles and things like that - and then called my mother to the school to have hushed conversations about me, after which I was moved up a grade. I was put into a gifted class in year 5 and 6, and even they found me strange. One of my classmates later wrote an autobiography, and commented on the strange boy in that class. Another buttonholed me at a school reunion to apologise for how she and everyone had treated me. It was at about this time that I started to make a conscious effort to study human interaction, devouring textbooks on body language, how humans communicate and think, and how to make friends; studying TV shows and movies and trying to systematise things like eye contact and conversational "rules"; practising facial expressions in the mirror, that sort of thing. My parents were not exactly supportive. My father, as well as being a depressive with a violent, hair-trigger temper, was also on the spectrum though neither he nor I knew it at the time. My mother would never encourage me in anything ("you came second in your year? Surely they don't give a prize for that?), though she would point out my flaws ("eye contact!") as well as calling me names like "Baleful", based on my resting face. She later explained to me that she no longer felt guilty at not loving me, as I was "a boy no-one could love", which was pretty hard. All of this was a spur to learn how to pass, and be diplomatic and affable and a small target. By the time my parents threw me out after I finished school I was a pretty convincing replica of a human, and over 30-odd years since I think I have it down pretty well. It is tremendously draining still, and I really have to be careful with activities which I know will be challenging, so as not to push too far and risk the mask slipping. Things like networking and office parties and so on are a particular strain, and I really can't take them for long, without feeling like I am going to lose it or be found out. I have tried revealing myself to trusted people outside the family a couple of times. It has generally not gone well. Even my wife was not happy, though I suppose it helped her to understand a few things. I guess that if I'm really to have a true relationship it is necessary for people to know, but the problem is that I face the choice: they like this version of me, the mask, and they probably won't like to know that they've been fooled.

"If they really knew who I was, no one would like me" - thats been my deepest fear my entire 55 years. Still dx'd but family and a few very autistm-fluent friends do believe that i'm on the spectrum. I'm gifted and came up w a LOT of coping mechanisms. It is exhausting.

the dreadlocks story was incredible. I grew up being a “beautiful girl” with “beautiful hair”. It was often people’s intro into talking to me. I felt like I couldn’t identify with that. I felt like there was so much more of me that people should see. I wondered how they would treat me if I wasn’t beautiful if I didn’t have nice hair or a good smile. I cut my hair off and the point in my life that I felt most rejected, different, and out of place in hopes that the world could see that I was different than the girl they were seeing on the outside. I wanted to remove the mask. It helped.

Friendly reminder to be patient with yourself. Sometimes we make mistakes in social situations and it can feel extremely humiliating. Know that it is not a reflection of who you are. It does not make you a freak. It quite simply means you just misread the situation. It's not a big deal, and it's going to happen from time to time. View it as a learning experience. When we beat ourselves up over mistakes like this, it is only going to make us more socially awkward which is not productive. Allow yourself the freedom to learn through making errors, and enter social situations with an open mind and a willingness to understand. Don't be too hard on yourself when people don't understand you. They're just different, and that's perfectly okay. Hope this helps someone because it has been helping me greatly.

For me, being diagnosed at age 4, my main symptom was being quiet because I felt unsafe to express myself because all of my emotions were too extreme for people… imagine people freaking out because you were suddenly acting too happy after being silent for an extended time. I recall that happening well into my 20s. At nearly 40, I find masking is a matter of balancing quietude with polite exchanges, and allowing myself to be imperfect. Socializing has become reinvigorating, instead of exhausting… mainly because I’m no longer trying to keep pace with hyper-social 20yos and all of their toxic nonsense, but also because I’ve set appropriate boundaries for my own sake.

This was such an enlightening conversation!!! I'm recently "self diagnosed" ASD/ADHD and working to get evaluated, and it's kinda scary how every single thing Sam says has me nodding and exclaiming "EXACTLY!" I can't eat the same thing for two meals in a row, lol. I never knew that chewing my nails, biting my lip, playing with my necklaces, spinning my rings, clicking pens (and constantly breaking the clips off) was stimming. I'm also trying to get back into music and the things I loved as a teen before I started hardcore masking, and allowing myself to use color as self expression (which I love!) I'm trying to stop having over-animated conversations with too much laughing to compensate. I'm becoming more aware of all the things I try to suppress to appear "normal." It's scary, but also empowering. Thank you for having this conversation, putting yourselves out there, and helping me feel less alone.

You two are my heroes! I also discovered my autism late in life, and just got my diagnosis at age 42. One of my biggest struggles since this discovery has been an overwhelming loneliness because I did not relate with anyone who I was trying to describe my experiences to. I felt like the only person in the whole world who felt the way that I feel. But the way you both describe your experiences feels so familiar to me, you give me hope. Thank you for sharing, I hope some day to get the courage to share my story too.

The biggest victory is being true to yourself. Forget the sheeps of society. Embrace you, embrace your intelligence because you have the power to create, influence, and create the next new thing the sheeps of society will follow. Do not let expectations of society bring you down, that is a dangerous path to follow.

Also, Sam, regarding how to gradually unmask, one of my therapists had me do an exercise in which I (while alone) was to ask myself "What do I want right now?" and then go get it. It really helped me tap in to my immediate self and needs. Little by little I could feel the genuine self getting stronger and more well defined. It didn't last long, and I'm back to being completely lost, but I think it's a good exercise nonetheless.

I love the way the differences between men and women with autism surface in this conversation. I have watched so many men describe their struggles and some resonate with me, but the rest don't. However, when Sam starts to go into detail of her feelings and experiences, I have never felt so understood. Especially the inward return to teenage things during 2020 - really interesting! Thank you for posting this 💗

oh boy... the part about being unable to say you're fine if you're not... I felt that. Usually I find ways to not answer the question at all because I know the person doesn't care, or if they do they're gonna question me and last thing I want when I feel like shit is to have a conversation -_-

This makes me feel less alone in this world. Honestly, thank you for making this video.

I am an old guy in Dallas, Texas. While researching my depression, I have discovered that I am autistic through stumbling across information online and channels like yours and Paul's. Today, I have learned more about masking than I've ever understood by listening to this conversation between you two! I am 63 and at first, I was elated by the revelation. Until today, I had started become embittered by having had find out what was wrong on my own. Learning to unmask will go a long way to helping deal and cope with my diversity. You'll probably never see this, but between you and Paul, I've learned so much and your channels have pushed me a long way toward dealing with my autism and become productive again.

This video is like ASMR for me. I just love your voices, accents and way of speaking.

When Sam said that she was told to stop biting her nails and stop fiddling I totally get that. I used to bite my nails as a child and fidget all the time. I was constantly told to stop and that they were bad habits that I needed to control. There were so many times and things that I did as a kid that I was told wasn't socially appropriate and that I needed to control or "will" myself out of. I now know that they were my ways of easing anxiety or extreme boredom.

Both of you seem more mentally stable than the average person. Most people cannot sit down and carry on an intellectual conversation like I'm hearing here. I could not do this. However, there are times when I feel everyone around me is hopelessly delusional (I'm in America), or at least much more delusional than I am. For some reason, delusional thinking has become normalized. But I pay a much greater penalty just for being socially awkward.

I'm sitting back having a little giggle and laugh at myself and us as neurodivergent people because we're delayed processors and it's making me think of when you said you stumbled upon it and so many of us stumble upon it accidentally. I'm putting the pieces together for the past several months and it's coming in waves the realization. I'm just so tired. Been masking for decades. Great video, keep up the good work folks thank you.

I used to make the most accurate cubes that I could with Blue-Tak.

It does really irk me these days though that I essentially have to lie in order to be acceptable. I’ve done the thing about ‘my back hurts so I just need to walk around a bit’ thing, or saying I’m cold because I like to have my arms crossed/folded a lot of the time. Also I feel all this draws more attention to me which I HATE.

We're literally the most beautiful souls in a world filled with hatred and wars. Hopefully, we can help the rulers of our societies to open their eyes to what true love really is 💖

Thank you so much this has been so informative and I am starting to realise that I am probably autistic....feeling like I have masked all my life and after having hit a breaking point and being forced to stop and reflect in my life a lot is coming out....perhaps this explains why I lack close relationships other than that of my immediate family.....it has been a raw and difficult but necessary awakening....

Just a thought after listening to Pauls dreadlock story: Is it just me or is there a high number of autistic people (women) who dye their hair in all kinds of fanciful colors? I'm beginning to take a closer look when I see a woman in the street with maybe purple hair and look for other signs of autism... (And thanks for this interesting conversation! It was almost surreal to se the two of you "together" - you two being my absolute favorite #actuallyautistic youtubers.)

When I am asked “ How are you?” I tend to answer honestly that I’m “all kinds”, and follow with “ I need a context to that question”

I can loosely relate to there being different versions of you. I used to spend a lot of my time as a teenager online and I always felt who I am online and over text is more authentic because all the frustrating social aspects you deal with in person aren't there. I don't have to wait for my turn when speaking because in a text conversation I can finish my thoughts and chip in whenever I want. The back and forth in a physical conversation is so stifling at times. Online I can also seek out the topics that interest me and choose to engage in those subjects whenever I want. I don't have to worry that the other person isn't interested or has nothing to contribute to the conversation or think I'm weird because I'm very much into serial killers or what have you, which has been an extended subject I've been interested in since I was a child, Bec I'm just really fascinated by emotionally disturbing topics. Also, my main stims are vocal and they often involve my cats. They're something I can't bring with me outside of private situations unfortunately. I echolalia my cats a lot, I speak to them in general and I make up silly words, I sing to them about them in often not quite so flattering ways and the list goes on. I also talk out loud a lot. When Sam mentioned how she immediately quit stimming when her husband noticed her I felt that because it's something I do a lot as well. I don't think I was scolded either, I just noticed it wasn't considered appropriate behavior and it made me scared to be caught doing it. I really struggle to keep up too much of a persona though because I just don't have the mental fortitude to pay that much attention to my environment when I am in a social setting. Most of my energy just goes into not saying things that are inappropriate or rude, because those are things I've often been criticized over. Like Paul I really started to work on my EQ because as I matured I realized I hated hurting people. My strong empathy is such a double-edged sword because I often feel guilty if I'm acting too much like myself because I'm so afraid of pushing people over just because I don't have sufficient tact. I don't even know why it bothers me so much but I suppose it's rooted in a feat of social rejection. I have alexithymia so vocalizing these things aren't easy. Paul having EQ as his special interest also makes so much sense! It's so interesting how many of us who slipped through the cracks often end up with a skill set to compensate for our social weaknesses. I went and became a social anthropologist because that gives me a good excuse to ask weird questions and be overly intrusive about human social behavior without being weird about it. It also provided me with many interesting theories and models why people socially behave like they do. I could never pursue a career as an anthropologist but my interest in the social sciences has always stayed with me and my expertise within different social areas of the social sciences just keeps expanding. Current I'm mostly deep diving into politics, especially fascism and the rise of the far right, but related to that is racism and before that it was gender theory, queer theory and transgender studies. Before that it was about masculinity studies and music. All of this just because I felt like I couldn't understand other people or myself as a person and why I felt so different.

Whenever I'm thrown into a new circumstance (a new class I took in university, a new job I started), I picked out one person that I liked (their mannerisms etc.), studied them thoroughly and then mimicked them to a tee. That's how I got through life.

Sam, I've been watching your videos for about a year now! I was misdiagnosed as bipolar but recently diagnosed Autistic and ADHD at the age of 33. You've helped me tremendously. Thank you! I feel so validated. 💗

Thank you for mentioning and talking a bit about the black community and other minority communities and this issue. Ya'll were on point. I think this point about masking for safety while being a minority out in the public, is very true for women as well, masking for safety. Very good point and I appreciated it. Oddly enough I believe I've masked so well in my 26 years, that I was a 'punisher' to my mom without realizing what I was doing. In the end your channel is helping me realize that my mother has indeed showcased autistic tendencies throughout her entire life and I have too, but we both hadnt realized that (well I have, not sure if she accepts it, but that's for her own journey wether she does or not). We would philosophize and "complain" about similar things, and I could always relate to her, but I also found it hard to accept her, as I realized and could see how society and most people "dealt" with her. I ended up just doing the same 'punishing' thing which sucks! But that's the journey I guess. I definitely am feeling more immense acceptance, understanding, and love for her (and myself) now than I ever have all because of doing further research about this, as I suspected she or I might be on the spectrum. It's really interesting! You are helping us so much out here! Also, realized her incessant picking of various areas of her skin, is something my sister and I picked up, and now is something I am having trouble with stopping, or rather, 'changing.' I really like that concept to try something else as opposed to completely suppressing the need to stim. It was clearly one of her stims, along with quite a few others. But this one is really damaging my self esteem in my early adulthood. So I love and appreciate the suggested other ways of stimming like using thinking puddy! Lord I really need to try that as I have recently realized I tend to do it when I'm thinking or am spacing out and need to do something with my hands while I do that, and particularly moreso when my thoughts are revolving around something stressful. So I will be trying that! I also love to knit and should get back into it! I went through a period where I brought it everywhere I went but then stopped for some reason. So I will revisit that. THANK YOU for ALL of your videos! This has been hugely insightful for my own journey figuring out the "game" that is life and not feeling completely alien while here, as well as helping me grow my self esteem and self-understanding, and healing areas of my relationship with my mother. Thank you! Much Love here! Keep going!🤗👌🏼🧡

My script for "How are you?" when I don't want to answer: Well, you know...it's (Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/etc). I work in an office. Sooo many repeated conversations here...it's painful.

Thank you. For years i had thought I had dissociative identity disorder due to severe trauma. I never knew who I was I saw myself as a method actor that could never be my authentic self. I see now that masking was a more simple explanation.

You two, you guys, you are both just so good at connecting the personal mico experiences to the overall presentation of experiences. I laughed here, and I teared up. It's early days for me (at 40) as I'm starting to appreciate how all this has shaped my life without me knowing. You two are both awesome, and I'd love you to colab more often, even if only 3 or 4 times a year. The cocktail of your perspectives and the different ways you ask questions, the result is rich and humane. Love you both, and thank you.

Okay so I recently discovered this channel and others like it and I just want to cry. These are the exact discussions I've wondered internally, and failed to articulate to others since childhood. I'm 34 now, and finally researching the possibility of having Asperger's. Holy hell everything just...clicks. I've tried to understand what's "wrong" with me and people in my life just write it off as being eccentric or quirky or awkward or obsessive. Which is fine I guess, as I got used to it. But I've mentioned possibly Asperger's and no one seems to be taking me seriously. Like, at all. I'm trying to get the courage to get diagnosed but now I'm just scared I'm wrong and everyone around me had a right to not take me seriously 💔 At the very least, I feel like I found the most authentic introspective people who I can finally talk to without me having the underlying need to express the gravity of my words and empathy. Or even apologize when I say and do things I don't realize isn't "normal."

I relate to you so much Paul. I used to have hair down to my waist but wore it in a bun every day. Occasionally when I wore it down people told me how pretty my hair was and that they didn’t know it was so long. A light bulb finally turned on, and I realized my hair is long for other people and I resented getting ready. Now I have a very short pixie cut and I could not be happier, my mask is almost totally off.

When you are older and into the 60’s, masking and “fixing” become harder and harder. You find you no longer want to mask and keep “fixing” what you don’t understand what is “broken”. I’m constantly in trouble for not “fixing” what I find impossible to understand what it is that I need to “fix”. I can understand fixing a bad habit or fault, self improvement, but I can’t understand fixing the kind of person I am, the way I think, my personality, and so forth. I am not diagnosed and at this point I do not have the funds nor the area where a place to get a diagnosis is available. When I tell people that I believe that I am borderline high functioning autistic (my sister believes it), they do not believe it as the picture a low functioning autistic boy.

I'm 43 years old with autism and an autoimmune disease and honestly I am so tired of masking... it takes away so much of the little energy I have 😔

I’m 62, after looking up what autism/Aspergers in concerning someone I know it became a great awakening about my own life as so many thing fit like a glove. When I tell friends, two of which have a degree of some sorts in psychology disagree with me (who probably have low education on high functioning autism/Aspergers). Every time I watch your videos, I am more convinced. I have been so more of accepting of myself and more at peace. I with I could get a diagnosis but I know it would not be possible with my low finances and unlikely availability of finding such a person qualified to make a diagnosis. In my day with no internet and ignorance among teachers, i have hearing loss included, I was just considered dumb. Even in my adulthood. But it was not what it appeared to them and I had no way of expressing anything to them as I did not understand myself at the time. I learned to do a lot of masking and still do with those who do not accept me as I am.

Thanks, Sam. You've got me thinking about things. Do "people" really want to hear a specific answer when they ask me a question such as, "How are you?" or "Where you from?"? People seem to be OK with the strange (but honest) answers I give to these very difficult questions, because I am entertaining. Now, I don't think that I'm TRYING to be entertaining, but I am this way. Even these most banal of questions 9 times out of 10 quickly develop into lively discussions about me, the other, our general condition, art, hopes, dreams etc. A friend of mine (we live in Germany) visited my home town, Brooklyn, with me a few years ago because I had told him that everyone there is just like me: friendly, real, playful, out of the box - very different to the customized behavior I've gotten to know here - and he wanted to go to a town with 4.5 million Howies. I took him everywhere and he was able to do a lot by himself - a big step for him - and we had a great time. I had a lot of fun with my compatriots and with him, that summer. It was, after all, my party. About a half of a year later we were in the pizzeria talking about our vacation and he said, "Y'know, Howie, the people in Brooklyn are not like you, at all." This stopped me ice-cold. "But....", I began stammering. He continued, "They were just startled by you. You were really enjoying yourself and you were showing the people a good time." I didn't know this and had never looked (and never really cared). I sometimes go shopping here in Germany with his son who gets a kick out of how people enjoy me at the grocery store - mostly because I am having a good time singing with the tomatoes, pushing my cart and expressing excitement over the price of cheese to others while making recommendations and asking strangers for advice (talking back to the announcement-advertising coming out of the loudspeakers is also fun). I never thought that this was strange. It's wonderfully enjoyable and desirable and I'm glad I'm me. I'm very grateful to a colleague of mine who, after I had withdrawn a proposal because the organisation to whom I had offered it was too slow and inflexible, told me, "That's not how you make friends, Howie." As usual I was shocked at this statement and asked him to expound on what he meant by this. "We are playing this game," this younger man lectured me. "I will like you if you act as though you like me." Recognizing the veracity of this statement made me laugh for days and, although the last thing from his mind was to help me, he did just that. Once I was hurt, badly, when at a bus-stop a girl began to dance while humming a song. I had just decided to dance, too, when her mother told her to stop immediately before people think her to be crazy. I don't think I got on that bus. Of course I know that she killed her daughter just then, right in front of my eyes. I did manage to tell her that I thought she was being unduly cruel to her 6 year-old, despite my tears. Nothing on your video or those from others I've viewed from Multineurological whatever sounds particularly strange or foreign to me. All those words could very well be coming out of my own mouth except the expressed feelings of pain, terror and hurt at the hands of others. Going from crying to laughter depending upon what is going on in my fantasy is extreme and enjoyable - even when riding the train. I'm glad to be me. Thank you me. I wish you very well and lots of joy. Thanks for the video.

this video made me have so many realizations about myself. before my diagnosis I always thought there was something wrong with me because I would be so tired after doing things. people would want to do things after work and I'd make excuses not to because I need to lay down in a dark room for an hour or more after work. for a long time I th9i had some type of fatigue disorder or sleep disorder (I do have that too lol) but I now know it's because masking is so tiring. there's nothing wrong with me being more tired than other people!

I think I've more often just avoided sharing much personal information at all (probably because of reactions I'd gotten) and found that people take issue with it because I'm not open enough. Then I'm too secretive and people don't trust me. I had to learn to talk about myself more. Now on topics I like that aren't me, I'm much more inclined to overtalk.

In high school, I clowned around, so I got accepted. I am still very quiet and really upfront.

I feel at some point we will see there are more autistic people of what we think because we will notice some man are also able to mask and we will be able to identify more autistic people of what we are being able to diagnose nowadays. Thank you very much for the video, I can't stress enough how useful it has been for me.

My main stim is whistling and I think that goes hand in hand with my special interest: cockatiels 😆

I can relate so much when he says about how 'how are you' was really triggering. I have chronic illness as well so it magnifies the effect.

"how are you" being a trigger, I feel that. I've often enjoyed going off script with answers of "miserable", "existing", "surviving" and sometimes just a shake of the head.

My wife pointed out to me recently a few times that I mimic or mirror everyone. At first, she thought I was picking on her. I tried to explain that I do it so others feel comfortable. Also when talking with others I enjoying debating every viewpoint. I realize now that was the only time in school that my peers and teachers were kind. So my two masking things are a hindrance at not very positive to others. I use to bite my nails when I was younger and my stepmom told me bitting nails was just as bad as smoking. A year later I pick up cigarettes as a socially acceptable way to stim in public back then. It was also a perfect mask because every smoker is your friend in a way. Just stim its way healthier. Now stimming is fun I hum, tap, click pens, and even bought a few toys to keep my hands busy.

12:30 this just blew my mind as a black woman on so many levels. I’m currently trying to get assessed for autism because I suspect that I have it and one of things that makes me believe so is experiencing burnout from masking so long. I worked 7 years straight before the pandemic and I heavily relied on my appearance as apart of my persona. I wore my natural hair for most of my life before I started working, when I realized ppl would treat me differently due to how I talked and how I carried myself, from one job to another, I changed my appearance and how I would talk to ppl, I heavily relied on wigs even though I hated the way they felt on my skin. Each wig was like a new mask and without it I felt like everyone could see the real me, the same with makeup-it literally feels like a mask on your face but that’s what I did so I could fit in. Not only did I have pressure just from being black in a predominantly white area, but I was terribly weird and awkward and I had to suppress all of it if I wanted to keep a job. When the job got too overwhelming, I blamed it on the customers and coworkers and I would quit before they could “fire me”(I always told myself that they would fire me if they knew the real me). I know so many non-autistic black ppl have dealt with this, so much we call it code-switching, but for me I could barely even manage to do that as the years went on. I have a very odd speech so I didn’t sound like anyone around me, so the wig and makeup for so many years was a way for me to cope through these environments, it helped me fake it until I couldn’t anymore. The intense anxiety I felt by masking almost felt like life or death, I knew the only way I could get jobs or make friends was by faking it. I couldn’t stim physically or even vocally, I had to hide everything.

does anyone else have trouble w/ picking up on the spot excessive interest based on topic someone else might bring up just as chit chat that you then start researching on line and want to keep talking about in a lot more detail than even the person who mentioned it to begin with ? Or is that more of an ADHD trait or neither ASD or ADHD?

I stim with my feet and toes, a particular rhythm that I've been doing for decades. It is almost invisible to others, but the more problems I am having in a social situation, the more defined and less relaxed the same rhythm becomes, adding minor muscular curlicues to make the satisfaction more intense and remove me from the situation I'm in saturating my consciousness.

I absolutely love this video - and so many by both of you. AND as a queer and non-binary trans person, I sure would LOVE to see you have a discussion with queer and trans folks about their experiences of masking and/or passing. For me? People knew or assumed I was queer and trans for most of my life. I didn’t ‘pass’ - and nor did I want to. I wanted to make a loud effing statement about who I am, and fighting for social justice. How did this experience affect how I mask? I’m still sifting through this. I’m a white, Canadian-born person of colonial ancestry. My experience is obviously going to be very different in terms of safety and code-switching than that of my BIPOC queer/trans siblings, and also than white folks of other socio-economic, religious, and geopolitical backgrounds. This would be an amazing discussion to see happen. Please let me know if anybody out there knows where this is happening, or who is having it, or if it happens - I’d love to be there! Thanks for bringing all these discussion forward; you two - and this community - are awesome.

I never thought about stims because I had the stereotype in my head. But after listening to yourchannel I started to revisit my memories, and I realized I used to do the same movement with my hair all the time when I was a child, to the point my father used to say to me "stop doing that with your hair"... then at school I had an urge do draw abstract lines and "nothing-stuff" in my nootebooks, school books covers, anything.. I kept doing it till college, I draw and draw and sometimes teatchers called my atention and I used to say "Oh it helps me pay attention"... never thought this could be stiming. I also had lollipops in my mouth for some years in school. During high school when i was anxious ou nervous i used to cut paper with my fingers in little pieces, any paper i could have at hand. And during college I developed what I now think is a stim.. I put a pendant of a necklace I always wear on my lips, not inside de mouth, and run in from right to left, left to right, in the lips, while concentrating.. then I stopped doing that..and began to press my teeth against each other, creating pain in my face muscles, trying to deal with tension. last days , realizing I need to be doing something, I let it more loose , and I noticed i've been pressing my teeth less! So I guess it was a 'masked stim'.. somehow.. don't know if makes sense

The collab I've been waiting for♡♡

I'm fairly confident I am not Autistic, but I relate to what you are saying to much with masking my ADHD. Love this!!

This is one of my favourite videos, thank you. Love you both 💖

Listening to this more than a year after the live: In this day and age of people talking about "being your authentic self", they still don't like it when we *do* show our authentic selves. And I'm so glad that you brought up the nail biting and other stimming behaviors, and how people don't get what's going on when it happens.

Thank you. I'm crying. I have been questioning whether I am autistic since I first saw a "female" autism checklist and this video (on top of being able to work remotely in 2020) has finally helped me understand the ways I have been masking my whole life.

: I have been using the past few months of isolation, to help me learn how to connect to my inner self, bc the “masking to fit in “ was making me feel so sad - bc the masking in and of itself - is experienced as self rejection/ self condemnation. I realized - I was trying so hard to please others to such an extreme - I never allowed my true self to come out & interact as my true self in the world .. I am working on reclaiming all the rejected parts of myself . And I’m giving myself permission to be myself 😃

Yo Sam,i think it's great what both of you are doing by bringing all of this out about steming and masking because i now realize many people don't even realize they are also in this and doing it without realizing it as it goes on with them everyday,i really want you both to know your great for doing all these videos,it shows were all in this together and can help people to accept it for what it is and learn from it that we are all the same inside,keep all of it coming thank you,Denny

Paul’s words have me in tears here, feeling so much of this 100%. Thank you both for your work.

Two of my favorite Aspie’s. 💞 Thank you both so much for the great content. “Masking was just called coping.” Umph. Felt that bit on a physical level. Looking forward to the summit.

I caught this later as i had midnight not midday in my head. It's exactly the subject I've been looking for stuff on recently and really filled in some gaps. Follow you both on RU-vid. Great match up.

thank you so much/that was a really good chat/thanks for being so honest/really helpful.the combination of the 2 of you discussing stuff really works well.

Really loved this convo guys!! It was almost an hour and a half and it flew by!! Thanks so much!

learning to not be ashamed of your 'differentness' or even learning to be proud of yourself, your perspective and the things you like, to the point where other people's approval means little is very powerful

My two most favorite youtoub persons on the spectrum having a conversation on autism. So spot on. Thank you. You both are great! But together just simply fantastic!! This was very helpful

I just want to say thanks for your videos. They've really helpful as I have made sense of my own ASD diagnosis. You're awesome!

Best masking RU-vid video yet! Thank you both, so much!

This video is so helpful to hear from you both- how your masking experiences are similar and different.

So much of what y'all talked about is so resonant and eye opening for me. Thank you so much for this video and really fascinating discussion!

Omg "emotional intelligence as my special interest" This is my number one masking technique! As a fellow autistic, I feel so heard with this podcast! Bravo you two!

I think that fitness or muscle exercises really helps me recognise my own Authentic body feeling