Confidence, discipline, humor and frame are definitely the best characteristics for guys to master. Life is much better when you are in control of your world, your emotions, and your outcomes
@@williamjubi it’s when he takes care of his body. Most women aren’t looking for completely ripped dudes, however they do like a bit of self awareness in there man’s physical appearance, this includes how they dress.
Yeah.. self respect can be sexy to some.. I do come to know that if you refuse to be manipulated be ready to get rejected. Good news is someone who is not toxic will find boundaries sexy so take this as an opportunity to weed out the toxic ones.
for sure, and the others are essentially manipulators and leeches that you don't want near you anyways. the experience of being rejected sucks. but when you have your life in order with integrity, that rejection is also a favor that keeps you from wasting more time on that person. a common clue for me is when the other person doesn't understand the concept of "your partner can't read your mind." it seems popular that your would-be partner will expect you to read her mind, then also expect you to also comply immediately, getting wry too when things are not going her way. this is toddler behavior, like when the kid just goes "waaaaa!" until it gets what it wants. act like a toddler, get treated like a toddler. my favorite answer is "I don't speak 'hints'." I also don't date toddlers so as soon as I get this behavior I'm already looking for the exit 😎
Boundaries is everything when it comes to every relationships. At work, romantic relationships, friends, family, clubs, everywhere. When people know they can’t disrespect you without consequences they will always either keep their distance or be respectful. And being respectful back is just as important, it’s a two way thing. A good video.
Got broken up with by a girl due to her boundaries (prioritizing her own mental health needs), and while it sucked/ sucks to experience that, thank you Courtney for laying out this info, it helps me gain some perspective on why she chose what she did, and it'll also help me improve as a person/ future partner as well.
Well irrespective of if she was genuinely not in the right place at least you're not losing out on anything since she called it off herself (be very wary if she calls you back tho) Now you can move on and keep working on yourself so you can be better for the next person you want to have a relationship with and make it work
Boundaries are SUPER CRUCIAL! I treasure my relationships, however, I treasure my boundaries and myself a bit more! Yes, there are times that the mental state can be affected, but that's where my outlets come into play
@@CourtneyRyan "Yes, there are times that the mental state can be affected, but that's where my outlets come into play." This went right over my head. Could you please elaborate on this?
I once refined my mental capacity to let go of shit that doesn’t matter & it basically emulated NOT having boundaries. No I didn’t put up w people’s shit but I just didn’t spend time w them instead of vocalize an issue. For some reason, vocalizing it is the difference? To me it doesn’t matter because I’m gonna stay away anyways but Yes boundaries are important!
This video couldn't have come out at a better time. I'm also reading a book about "nice guys" and working on being less of a people pleaser and staying authentic and true to myself. I'm glad this girl and I held back on dating each other a few months back - the more I read that book and watch your videos, the more I realize I have to work on myself as well as she does. Keep up the good work Courtney! Really love your videos! ❤
💯! Since I've done so much work on myself physically and emotionally and got to the root of my purpose and my direction I also seem to not have an issue attracting women anymore. It's like women can feel it when you have yourself sorted.
@@TyrTheConqueror ok buddy lol. I'm telling you it works. It's all about how you carry yourself and the work you do to make yourself happy. If you bring that into your life then in my experience after getting divorced and building myself back up has been that now I have no issue getting a date with a woman. You also gotta let go of attachment to outcome and keep doing you and it really does work.
@@TyrTheConqueror all good Brian. I don't take offense. I don't think I could pin it to one particular thing to be honest and emotional awareness and regulation isn't something you can just do. I didn't even know there was an entire world until I went through a divorce and started to go inward to work on myself. I am also not by any means "healed" bro. The work is constant. A lot of reading, RU-vid like Courtney Ryan here or Stephanie Lyn or Brene Brown, therapy, lots of exersize and sports and finding what you like to do and go do it (skiing, cosplay, watching formula 1, whatever that is). All I know is that once I started doing all these things my life leaped. My business exploded. My relationship with my children is new and amazing. I've lost 70lbs over the last year. Most of all I've met some amazing men and women along the way who continue to talk and coach me. Who you hang around with and the content you consume makes all the difference. Instagram and RU-vid can be your biggest resource for growth. Even the caliber and quality of women I'm dating now is far beyond what I thought possible for myself. This was huge but I hope something helped you or if you have any kind of feedback I'd love to hear it Brian!
And at the root of relationship and being better men is respect. So if you put up boundaries and show how you want to be treated it shows others the level of respec, which in turn shows attractiveness for the things Courtney said. Great video.
Wow, young LADY! You knocked that one out of the park! I have yet to hear such a smooth and succinct summation on “boundaries”. You’re getting even better!
Boundaries are important and I know women like it when men set boundaries because it adds a level of comfort and security as well as knowing what to expect
@@tko_5 you got that right! I don't think I started to enforce boundaries until my mid-twenties which made stepping into my 30s a lot more fun and with a lot more freedom
@@LatimusChadimus I just turned 30. And I just learned about boundaries probably the last two years. Going into my 30s I feel so much better. Keep doing what you're doing man.
@@tko_5 well happy belated birthday! Don't forget to raise yourself so you may raise your standards and expect the girls to be held to them, and if they don't put in the work then don't give your time attention and energy away for free. Soon I will be 33 and I can't tell you how much better life is once you really establish who you are and never stop seeking to improve
Regarding boundaries, i have a co-worker in my accounting team who said a foul word to me 2 weeks ago. She sensed my anger and i set clear boundaries as a gentleman and ever since then, she's been acting well and she's being a good girl. She does me some small favors that i find cute. For example, when we drink coffee together on our coffee break and she wants to wash her mug, she offers to wash my mug, along with other little favors... She acts sweet and feminine in my presence and never does anything that i might not like.. We have great chemistry now and we don't have shallow conversations at all. Stuff like emotional intelligence, psychology, mentalities and other valuable things are some of the topics we talk about and we share a lot of commonalities. I definitely haven't told her about myself as much as she told me about herself, because girls like mystery ofc. I got some chocolate last Friday to satisfy my sweet tooth after lunch and i thought that it would be a nice way to get into a convo where i ask her out. We chatted and i, on 3 or 4 occasions, intentionally placed the piece of chocolate in her mouth just as for example, a guy would give his gf a bite of his pizza and she accepted my gesture very happily. When i asked her about going for drinks on Friday night, she told me she had pre-planned things with her close friends and she offered an alternative idea where we go for lunch together on lunch break. I told her we'll see for next week. I was thinking about taking her out next weekend for brunch together. Should i go for it or is it a sign of disinterest and not wanting to go out?
Hi Courtney. Speaking as a 50 something divorced man, I couldn’t agree more about setting boundaries. In my 20’s, I definitely was a people pleaser. I used to think that was expected of me having been raised to be “good boy” later a nice guy. If I could travel back in time, I would counsel my young self to love and respect myself and don’t compromise the beliefs I hold dear just to save a relationship. You’re right that if significant other tries to influence you to compromise your values, then that is someone not to be in a relationship with. Red flag them. It took me quite a while to set those boundaries, and now I feel emotionally healthier for it. But let me clear. I still have a you do you attitude, as long as you let me do me.
I used to be that bad boy/bachelor and then I fell in love and became wayyy too nice to someone who didn’t respect me as a man. Verbal and physically. I never thought I would end up watching these videos lol. But thank you! You’re doing a marvelous job with these videos. Hope nothing but blessings for you and everyone watching this video.
Another tip I've found to work in this vein is switching how you signal availability I used to say "I'm free whenever", and it basically never worked but now I specifically have Friday evenings and Saturdays as tentative. I go out to bars on Wednesdays but that's Me Time.
Thank you for clearing this out. I myself always had this habit to make everyone feel good and encourage them but I sometimes decided not to be sincere since I did not want to hurt the other side but mostly to please them. It effect my authenticity even so that I am very direct It could show weakness and lack of backbone. In short be sincere, don't be a jerk. be nice and honest and whoever value you will value your true self. thank you once again Courtney.
Big issue I’ve had in my life is that I enforce my boundaries by just cutting people out. Not because I’m afraid of confrontation or a people pleaser but actually the opposite, I just always viewed people as not worth the time and told many to fuck off throughout my life until meeting my first actually high quality friend last year that I also don’t exactly want to just toss out. But I suck at this whole communicating boundaries thing from all those years of not doing it. Apparently I just come across aggressive or angry in the moment even if I’m not. So what do you do to actually convey boundaries without overkill too because I don’t even know what I’m doing
You have to calmly explain to people what behavior you will not tolerate when that behavior arises. It will feel very clinical at first having these conversations, but you will get more comfortable with it. People will be taken aback at first because they're so used to people not having boundaries, but as long as you articulate yourself well they should be able to understand after they give it some thought. For example: before I got with my current girlfriend she would occasionally smoke pot and I wasn't cool with her smoking so I told her that I would not date her unless she quit. She did and we're together 4 years later. Another thing I told her was that I expect that she keeps herself in shape (forever), as I will do the same. Sexual attraction is critical in a relationship otherwise you're just roommates. Most other boundaries within a relationship are understood as the norm so they usually don't get talked about. You also have to understand that friendships and boundaries are reciprocal. You have to respect other peoples boundaries otherwise they have no reason to respect yours.
Thank you so much Courtney this video came at the perfect time. I started a new job and I have a coworker that was flirty and wouldn't respect my professional boundaries. Had to have a slightly awkward discussion asking her to be more professional and thereby she was offended and now almost ignores me completely. This is after she had the nicest things to say about me as we got to know each other smh. Any ounce of doubt I had in that decision has been washed away thanks to you, keep up your amazing videos! 😁
Getting a woman to respect you is the #1 key to her sticking around. Absolutely spot on. In addition to what Courtney said on how to do this, you also need to make sure you handle her s**t tests in the beginning with grace, humor, and showing her you're un-phased. As soon as you do that a few times, you've passed, and she will stop doing it, as long as you never let your guard down after that. Think of this as similar to not letting a child walk all over you.
Great tips! Women like a man who knows what he wants - so don’t be indecisive! I set boundaries with a woman right at the beginning of the relationship, I don’t wait long. Because, if you don’t let her know what types of behavior you will accept, and what types you will not - then it will be too late when you do let her know. Most guys will not do this because, they’ll be too afraid to lose the girl, and that’s what makes them lose her eventually in more ways the one! Anyway, that’s my two cents. -Carlos Verde - Dating Tips
Yep, if you wait too long then you get the "but I did that when we got together and you were fine with it!" argument. She will resent you because she will feel like you are taking something away from her instead of feeling like she is willingly giving up something for the privilege of being with you. The same action is occurring, but the psychology is entirely different based on the context. You have to set your boundaries within weeks of seeing her so you don't complicate things months down the line.
Great advice that wasn't taught to many when the focus was on working hard to please the boss and others. The focus was on being expendable utilities (military, marriage, sacrifice). Sadly, this was learned in childhood and is hard for nice guys to break. To illustrate this, see how hard it is for people to change their childhood religion. Peace.
A major boundary for me involves punctuality. If you’re constantly late to dates it just shows that you don’t respect my time or me. Therefore, I’m not afraid to cut them off. It also tells me that they don’t have a handle on their life
I've Been keeping my boundaries way higher than the clouds but no ego in my life. Just keeping myself real for the next relationship 💯 😌 thank you my friend 🙏
This could be the most important video and topic you've ever done. Hit on so many great points that are at the forefront and the foundation of everything else in life, which everything comes AFTER these lessons are learned. Great job Courtney!
I love what you had to say about being the people pleaser. That was always me and I never understood why I wasn't attractive to people because I felt like I was a "nice guy". I would always do whatever people wanted, and I thought that was a good thing to do, but you're right that what makes people attractive is being authentic and unique.
there wouldnt be a need to set boundaries if the person you want to or try to set boundaries with is unempathetic, doesnt consider your feelings, isnt aware of u or themselves, etc if u know, you probably know. its a matter of if they already respected u by default from the start. but i get that boundaries are for people who dont get it, dont understand or comprehend of the other in the relationship
if you value yourself, your time and you have strong opinions without being rude... women love that. women want a man to be in charge, tell them what to do and take care of them. now why the hell am i still single?
I hate to admit it, I am a people pleaser. Over the years, it's wreaked havoc on my relationships. Recently, on a second date, my date blurted out, "I know what's wrong with you...you're too nice." That's been the story of my life. However, try as I will, I have not been able to stop my "pleasing behavior". Just like so many other dating/relationship channels, Courtney says, "Don't be a people pleaser." Easy to say, difficult to implement. I only wish that all these relationship gurus would give us some actual tools to overcome "pleasing" behavior.
Setting boundaries is so important and healthy, as it sets the tone of our friendships and relationships. 💙RU-vidr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
I’m a people pleaser but I have high self esteem What I see is the position on people pleasing = low self esteem, that’s one of them toxic perspectives kinda like how women think working vry hard makes them attractive to men (generally speaking of course)
This something that is often a struggle in relationships especially with men trying to be pleasing to the girl they love and sacrificing a lot for that girl forgetting our own values, integrity and likes for hers and end up be disappointed because she takes advantage of it. Setting boundaries is just to important especially with us men. Thanks so much for sharing Courtney, it's going to help me personally🤗🙏🏻
Men, who are genuinely nice, do the opposite what you think a women wants. Don't go out of your way for her too much. It's so unattractive. The less the better but don't totally ignore her where she totally feels neglected.
Yeah it's like going out to an event with people and not following them around all night but also not forgetting to keep an eye out so that everybody can make it back to the car at night. Balance.
Having a respect for what you will tolerate and also just having a set standard and an identity of your own. The "nice guy" never sets any standard and is so afraid of any tension, that he acquieseces to everything. Women don't like that at all.
Good man > bad boy > nice guy. It is sad that women don't know what a good man is anymore and they automatically assume anybody that's not a dick is a nice guy and they wonder why they can't find a guy who has self-respect, boundaries, goals, self worth, and a whole other list of qualities that I won't have room for down here but you get the picture that there are phenomenal traits that men can possess but work girls will never notice because they automatically assume a good man is a nice guy although a good man is not a doormat, he is not a pair of money boots, he is the kind of guy that will build an indoor porch so that nobody has to bring shoes inside of the house that the woman tries to make as beautiful as she sees fit when she can be fully feminine. Women don't get to see quality men on television for at home or even in school or the workplace because they are becoming more and more rare and a lot of them won't even give their time away to women because we are smart enough to notice red flags before even talking to a girl which is why I wish a lot more females watched this channel as men aren't the only ones that need to improve overall
Yes, this is so true! If I may add, boundaries are attractive to the RIGHT women. I learned this the hard way. I dated a girl a few years back. First date went really well. We went out to dinner then went ice skating. Second date, she invited me over to her place for dinner and a movie. Not even five minutes into the movie, we started making out hot and heavy. We then ended up in her bedroom. She clearly wanted to hook up but my boundary is to only have sex while in a committed relationship so I stopped it from going any further. I then looked her in the eyes and whispered “I’m not saying no, just not yet.” I left shortly after. Next day I texted her saying “good morning, I had a really nice time last night. Hope to see you again soon. Have a great day at work.” She texts back and says “Yes, it was nice. But unfortunately, I don’t think this is going to work. You’re wonderful and you deserve someone better.” Tried texting back but she ghosted me after that. It was strange. I was just trying to be kind and respectful and she just ran away. Oh well.
I concur, like so many of our neighbors on here have expressed, having boundaries attracts the right girls and, might I add, repels the wrong ones. I know I have been given a miss at least a few times when I have laid down boundaries, especially regarding sex. You’ve taken away the best tool in their operation.
@@josesantana770 I guess you have a point in saying that he should not have gone there first place if he didn’t want to have sex, but then again I think he’s also right to investigate what’s behind the whole thing first. I think it’s tricky to handle this red flag business by immediately blocking things off before investigating. she would’ve handled the boundary he established better if she was higher quality. By provoking the reaction he got he figured out what he needed to know. After all it’s his boundary that he set 👌🏻
You weren't being kind and respectful. That's a weird mental framing you might want to think about. You rejected her after being invited over to her place in the evening as a second date. What did you think was going to happen? How is rejecting her sexual advance being "kind and respectful"? It suggests you think sex is unkind and disrespectful. That lack of game plus Trad Con thinking was likely unattractive to her, plus women HATE outright rejection. Major blow to her ego.
Wow! Right on point, great content, and perfectly articulated, this definitely needs to be said , I don’t hear anyone else talking about this , and ladies really need to create these boundaries as this will help you in your journey, men appreciate and respect a woman’s boundaries…..
Informative home run I think my boundaries are too much but I have them I do notice even if attraction signs fly over my head how I some people and women notice thanks for a the reminder Courtney
Amazing video Courtney your advice has helped me alot I'm looking for a girlfriend and your videos have been a huge help you've inspired me to do better thank you so much
I grew up thinking people-pleasing was a good thing and that people would like you more as a people-pleaser. Honestly, I didn't even know what people-pleasing was as a kid. I'm so past the idea that it attracts people. If you want to be invisible, be a people-pleaser. Nobody will care about you as a people-pleaser. It amazes me how much people respect you when you have healthy boundaries. I've had them compliment me on having boundaries about gossip and drama. I don't do gossip and drama. If you want to talk about those topics, move on to someone else. Lol
"That might be the opposite of what you'd expect" This tends to be a trend with women. As a "nice guy" our first thought on what to do/say, will be wrong, 99% of the time, do/say the opposite… 😎
Dear Ms. Coutney Ryan... Fantastic episode... I am so glad that I don't and cannot be bothered to please people... My boundaries are because of my Spectrum Disorder, which at least I am aware of Spectrum Disorder when far too many MEN won't acknowledge they may have "not a blind spot" but a Spectrum Disorder which is a Specific Type of Boundary... Hopefully, that makes sense... the end.... Always in Good Taste... CHEERS!...
It’s so freeing to say NO it was very bad for me to establish boundaries with family and friends but it is freeing saying yes is an obligation saying no is a decision.
This video alone should get Courtney up to 325,000 subscribers. If she grew 2,000 in the last 3 days, she could definitely grow 5,000 in the next 13 hours. Share this video, everybody. Do it
Question for thought: Why do some women then choose to walk all over men (which is self centered and game playing) as opposed to being conscientous and considerate of an otherwise "good guy" and simply not try to walk all over him? What does that say about the woman? Games are for children.
Yes, don't be a doormat and don't be a muddy pair of boots, be the good man that women forget exists that is the happy medium between Bad Boy and Ice guy because the good man will build the outdoor porch without being asked to do it so that none of the carpet gets muddy inside
Truth be told: I hear a play on words, with ( good men verses nice men).... But I know for a fact, that, A good man, is a nice man, and a nice man, is a good man!!!!! 👍 Real talk... So it needs to stop, with the manipulation of words, for whatever purpose you are trying to achieve!!!!!
Great video as always Courtney and yes i'm unfortunately one of those nice guys but even worse then that i truly hate myself and i know the world and my family would be so much better off without me, i just don't have the guts to end it though so i just keep going.
At 47, divorced and happily single, I learned along time ago that dating and trying to find the right woman is harder than Adamantium coated diamonds, so I stopped looking, and now I’ve been single for 7 years and I’ve never been happier :)
I think it depends on your expereince of life , you know yourself , being able to comunciate effectiveley and have the confidence to express your opinion
There seems to be a lot of misunderstanding of people pleasers or as Courtney puts it "nice guys" everyone should find a dark place and meditate and seriously question themselves who they would want to be with. People who establish boundaries are more likely to be selfish, self-centered, lack the ability to forgive because if someone breaks their boundaries then they are afraid of being a "nice guy." While on the other hand people pleasers are more likely to be self-less, concerned for the suffering of others, most often acting with benevolence and altruism... Courtney says it's bad to rely on other for your emotions, what if this is wrong? People who establish "boundaries" only receive any form of happiness when they are selfish, and only do things that are to their own gain (not having to rely on others for ones emotions) while on the other hand, people pleasers receive happiness and joy when helping others by performing benevolence and altruism for sake of helping others who are suffering or hurting or by merely just being naturally good. Ask yourself would you rather be with a selfish, self-centered individual who only focuses on themself? or someone who is more concerned about the well-being of others than themself?
You don't get it. No woman wants to be with a man who "is more concerned about the well-being of others than themself". He's either going to pedestalize her, or threaten the relationship by giving too much of himself to others outside her. Having good boundaries and being one's own "mental point of origin" is not selfishness. Its a vital trait in navigating the world.
@@jleano609 If your desire is to be with these women who would rather be with a selfish Man who is not concerned of the well-being of others then I am afraid you do not understand and this is the result of these content creators that reinforce this ill-designed philosophy of promoting one self above others with the underlying belief that you should only do what will benefit you. We may disagree and that is fine but I will never encourage anyone to damage their character and morality in an irreputable way in hopes of achieving a Woman. For who can find a good wife?
Also what joe rogan suggested for productive time, it’s not worth it thinking what others do, think about you, etc. it’s just a waste of time. That’s why trying to be nice guy/girl and please it’s useless it even triggers a defensive state of what’s wrong with them. If you know the bad (bad guy prototype ) you know what to expect, which, in contrary, gives security. Nice guy is more dangerous than bad guy.and they run up the hills. Also there is a mathematical study in attraction about how people with flaws are more reachable attainable than those that exude perfection, seducing less.
He excepts who is. Won't change his political or religious beliefs. He won't let her walk over him. Confidence is a good point Courtney. He shouldn't need validation to have someone boost his ego. Yes man is too Beta or Simp for me. I like a man who will stand up for himself and won't let his woman challenge him. He would say like "Do you have an objections?" and won't back down. And he'll do his thing as long as he doesn't go around hurting someone. He appears stronger to me.
Yeah I've noticed over the years a really good way to prove that a woman is abusive is the stand up for myself and see how she reacts. It is a lot of fun to walk away. And yes we all should accept who we are without exceptions haha I had to be the spelling police 🙃
*A TIP* : Try to be a source of support for your spouse and not a source of criticism. Be the one who comforts them when they are sad, not the one who makes them sad in the first place.
Hey Courtney, I have a question in regard to boundaries. If you’d rather I contact you another way I’m happy to. My question is: after a girl and I have entered into a monogamous relationship, what are your thoughts on me requesting/setting the boundary that she not continue communicating one-to-one with other guys including via text, Snapchat, in-person, etc. (obviously this is excluding family and for business/professional/academic purposes) in order for me to stay committed to her. I’d never ask that she not talk to any guys, but I think any consistent communication with other guys online or in-person is grounds for me to break things off with her since I don’t think that is respectful to me. I expressed to her that I would be following the same rules on my end with regard to talking with other girls while she and I are together. I don’t really want to be paying for dates, taking her on trips, etc. just to have her talking to 5 other guys every day besides me. If you have any follow-up questions to better answer this just let me know. Thanks a lot for everything, you’ve helped me out a bunch.
Demonstrate don't explicate. There is no conversation worth having where you can tell a girl this. If a girl is doing that she's not super into you anyway. All you can do is give her less attention and not take her seriously until she gets the hint. Really you should be looking for this BEFORE the committed relationship. The only time to be having this conversation is before commitment - which should always be the girls ask, never the guys. Because that's the time to say "listen, if you want me to take the relationship seriously, you can't be talking to A, B, C, D, they'd sleep with you given half a chance". If she says OK, great. But obviously she has to live up to her end of the bargain. If not - return her to the Streets. And if she can't, why are you agreeing to commitment? Because she's not! Of course for this to work you have to have bargaining power. Are you attractive? Do you have other options? Are you willing to just walk. YOU MUST HAVE THESE. When a woman knows this she knows that your commitment actually has value and she's much more likely to take it seriously because now she has something to lose i.e. you if she misbehaves. But at the same time any decent woman will find this an attractive prospect.
Nice job sharing. I am a people pleaser. I just don’t get where and how the normals have changed ( divorce rate, better people, names my daughter used to think was cute( that I thought was denigrating)0. I am appalled at the way things have panned out in the many years I was married (15 years). It seems like mindset has changed in women from the 90’s till now. It would be interesting to make a comparison in what was attractive in the 1990s to 2015. What has happened and where is my confidence in what they were telling you then and now? Time and respect. I get the people pleasing pros and cons but the path chosen is the path chosen and maybe attributed to gaslighting and childhood trauma, or maybe just grasping for something here. Validation is a product of something and unconditional love can resolve. Shame could be set by gaslighting. Sad and my biggest question is where is the kindness?
I'd say you'd be even more attractive if the boundaries between us came down 😌 which I didn't think was possible for you to be even more attractive to me than you already are.
