Breaking the Cycle of Abuse | The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

Me too. That line has stayed with me ever since I read the passage in the book, and I realized how valid it is. We tend to gravitate towards people who remind us of our parents, or anyone else who may have treated us badly, and justify to ourselves that this is what love is, and so we deserve to be treated poorly.

@@trinaq exactly. our childhood/environment affects our perception of love. i found myself falling in abusive relationships because it was familiar and comforting. this is why we need to become aware of our generational traumas and try to heal from it so we don’t pass it along. the cycle ends with me.

I love that quote so much.. almost brings tears to my eyes.

I agree. I identified with this book so deeply while I was in middle school, but it wasn't until I got in touch with my trauma that I really understood that. Like reaaaaalllyyy understood.

@Irridessa Amore it's 3 am right now and as I finished watching this video because I love this movie and book on an infinite level, I stumbled across your comment! I want to say how utterly proud I am of you for breaking that cycle of settling for abusive relationships because that's all you've ever "known". You are worth EVERYTHING because you're a human being with feelings, emotions, a thought process, and consciousness! We accept the love we think we deserve, and don't look for more or less than this! The Bible says love is patient, and kind, not envy or boast. It also says love can be suffered. I'm not here to push my beliefs I just wanted to share this so you or anyone reading this can find comfort in it! God loves us all💜! And if you don't hear it often, or haven't heard it in awhile, I love you too, and I'm proud of your growth! You deserve everything good in this world. Never drop or fold your crown Queen! I send much love, positive vibes, and blessings your way!🙏🏻💙

I think that criticism is missing the point and that is upsetting since that’s the entire point of the book! That’s the point of Charlie. Sam calls him out on it. He’s supposed to be passive, he doesn’t have a strong sense of self, he’s just .. floating by and observing. He eventually comes to realize he has to actively participate in life and have wants and needs.

@@etherd.859 Exactly! Plus add to the fact that people do not empathize as much with male victims of sexual abuse. Ironically most of the criticism were from adult men that reviewed the book and film adaptation.

@@witchplease9695 that’s so sad. Charlie is one of the most innocent characters I’ve ever had the pleasure of having a point of view from. I literally bawled like a baby when the sexual abuse was revealed. I think a lot of those criticisms stem from simply being uncomfortable with a boy having such a wide range of emotions, who has no concept of how they can be bad. Because they aren’t. He wasn’t raised to be tough, he was raised to be Charlie. Someone who struggled with their own emotional capacity/was beat on the head by everyone to be as emotionless as possible would definitely project. Hit dogs holler.

@@witchplease9695 Men end up hurting other men including themselves, because it's so ingrained in most cultures that men can't show weakness. Weakness is feminine which is the worst thing a man can be. This book is so important because it's written by a man and features several male characters dealing with abuse and the consequences. Women aren't exactly believed about abuse, but we've worked for so long to normalize it that it's somewhat acceptable for us to be open and discuss trauma. Men still don't have that, and it's unfortunate for all of us.

i thought the fact that he was so passive was really relatable. people that complain that missed the point.

God, I remember reading that and realizing how many couples I knew had those same dynamics in high school.

currently reading the book and ikr :// i think it’s another example of “we accept the love we think we deserve”

what page?

hi what page

​@@towel1636somewhere in the first section of the book

It broke my heart to read that reveal in the book. I was afraid they were gonna sugar coat it in the movie, but I thought that they did it justice.

@@reikun86 having the author direct and write the screenplay was such a good move

@@Evar0se Agreed. Chbosky knew these characters better than anybody, and he was able to capture the same care and sensitivity on the big screen.

@@reikun86 That's why I love the book and film equally. He did a very good job.

So im currently working on the book for a oral exam and i feel like i completely missed the part where he says this to his sister ?? can you tell me when that happen ?

this is so true

stephen sounds like such a nice guy, what an incredible author.

that's why their are people who have multiple personalities disorders, they can't handle the trauma so they create personality to take the full force

The brain you had as a child is your greatest friend

Precisely, almost a decade later, this film is incredibly important and heartfelt, and major kudos for Chbosky for managing to direct the adaptation of his own novel, which is almost a rarity in the entertainment industry.

Honestly same here. I feel like this tends to happen a lot which things that become popular, especially things that are popular amongst young people and young girls. Good on you for giving your younger self compassion and validating their opinions as an adult 😊

same here. i reread it in my last year of highschool and was like "holy shit, no wonder this sat with me so deeply". every few years i reread it and add more annotations- theres hardly any white space left in my copy anymore. im not really big into reading anymore (was as a kid, but doing college classes at 14 years old killed that hobby pretty quick) but that is one book i can get through in just a day or 2, no problem. i discover something new about myself every time i read it. if theres any book ive read in my life that i could see being taught in my future grandkids' english classes one day, this is the one

@@somedude172 are there any other books that you would recommend? Random question but you seem like you would have good recommendations despite not reading much anymore.

This may not mean much but I’m sending you love and light. I’m so sorry that happened to you

I hope you’re doing ok. I’m sorry that happened ❤️

I hope you are doing alright.

I hope you’re doing better and that you are healing your beautiful soul❤️‍🩹💕✨

I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone friend, you have survived and gotten this far, that is something to hold on to 🌸

Me neither. I was about 13 the first time I read the book, and I didn't realize that his aunt sexually abused him. It wasn't until I watched the movie, and reread the book years later, that I understood the horrifying situation.

Same, I was too young when I read it and I didn't understand it

I first read it at 12 and didn't completely get what happened with his aunt either. I finally got it a few years later in high school and it made me cry even more than when I first read it.

Same here

The same thing happened to me. While I never read the book as a kid, but i watched the movie. It took until i watched the movie with my friend, when it finally clicked for me that he had been abused by aunt helen. I vividly remember shouting “holy shit!” I felt so oblivious.

i had a similar experience. i didn't end up in a hospital, but there was still boatloads of sexual trauma to deal with that i endured as a young girl. reading this book as a teen, also on the cusp of college and "adulthood" like charlie was, i stayed up the whole night to finish it. and like you, i cried and cried.

I also had a similar experience. I first read this book in a psychiatric ward, I was there because of severe depression/panic disorders and other trauma. This book made me feel so understood, especially when I just felt numb.

How did it make you feel?

That was the same year I read it. I was 12 and going to yet another new school and had no friends. I found it on the shelf in the middle school library where I ate lunch everyday, and no one else had checked it out before. I walked around with this book like a shield. It was pretty much my only friend, and it will always have a special place in my heart. It still holds up for me, but I see new things every time I read it.

thats beautiful thank you♡

Hol’up y’all got to teach y’all selves!?

I was the same age when I saw the movie, and strangely the first issue I related to was Sam and everyone's struggle with college admission. It was a time capsule for me. You sound like a great mom!

It's sad that we don't get more awareness to the situation....... I come from a irish background and the sexual abuse that we all around go through and have gone through since our being conquered by the English and probably before as well is never brought up. It's tragic because my ancestors had absolutely horrid acts of sexual abuse done to them! Then those same people turned around and committed it to their children and so on. Yet we don't understand why this is still happening in our communities simply because we don't know where it comes from and why it's there, the lack of education is what's driving these things forward because they are actively hidden by alcoholism and bad education.

@@justinallen2408 so sorry to hear that my friend! Forgive my vague knowledge on what happened between the English and Irish, all I really know is the discrimination and potato famine, and this as well, vaguely! If I may ask, what exactly has caused for this generational trauma to keep happening? I'm Cuban/Honduran so latino, and the topic of r*** or m********** is always swept under the rug or never spoken about! Sexual a**** is also prevalent in our communities, as well as alcoholism, drug consumption, and trauma. I often wonder if this too is due to colonization and white supremacy, and slavery. Would love to hear your incite on all this. I find myself wondering why these traumas keeping happing in our society to this day but as you said it's hard to understand why it's still happening bc we don't know where it started, came, or originated from!

you should still watch the movie tho! it's deeper than other teen flicks

@@justinallen2408 hi I'm also Irish so this is extremely relatable for me

What are you doing here then? Go experience this movie for yourself.

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I know right! the movie is realistic in the sense that trauma doesn't go away, but once you start healing, you can become a much more optimistic and empathetic person. I love how the movie feels like a never-ending story, with a life of its own. And the music!!

i also don't think the details ever matter, because inevitability other victims will rationalize their experiences as worse/not as bad as another.

Same

I'm glad you were able to get something out of this story that really helped you and made you want to keep trying.

it might be helpful to talk to a professional about it! it was really helpful for me to use that as a support system as i tried to decipher those memories. i wish you well.

It can be easy to feel like you’re doing it wrong, but there is no right or wrong way to experience or process trauma. Everyone experiences it differently, and however you experience it is valid regardless of what it seems like you “should” be thinking or feeling. Even numbness serves a purpose in trying to keep us safe. ❤️

Numbness can happen when you feel way too much, basically your body trying to shut down the feelings, just leaving it for any person who may read this in the future. You’re not broken, you’re not wrong, you deserve to take your time to figure this out and of course get support if possible, especially if you can find a good therapist that isn’t involved with the person that assaulted you so you can feel safer.

It’s also weird that Sam is a senior and Charlie is a freshman, but I digress

I'm so glad to read this. You should never have to suppress your feelings because you didn't suffer "real" trauma or as much as someone else might have.

*trigger warning* I had the same experience - predatory behaviour, grooming, some stuff happened but I always felt that I couldn't feel bad or sad as nothing "major" happened. I suffered insomnia for years because the person would come into my room, remove the covers and watch me sleep. I had my first kiss which was consensual with a boy around my age, so this person forced their tongue down my throat. Weird "minor" things happened over a long period of time with two separate individuals. When it came out, I was made to apologise to one of them for making them feel bad. When I am intimate with my husband, I sometimes leave my body. I know that for a long time I was not ok. I'm doing better now.

@@victoriaphillips9296 *trigger warning* Something similar happened to me. He used to stand in front of my bedroom door and stare while I was doing whatever. I would tell him to stop but he only did when I started to cry

I definitely felt alone in this too. I was harassed/ groomed for months by the mom of my crush i had at the church I grew up at and struggled with sever anxiety whenever I would see them there. The girl I had a crush on had mutual feelings, and I wanted the parents to like me so when her mom started texting me I went along with it because I wanted their assurance. I was too ashamed or embarrassed to tell anyone what she started texting me and telling me in person because I felt like I should’ve known better. I had never had a relationship at that point and I’ll always have to look back and remember that this was my first experience. This movie hits really hard because I felt so alone in what I was feeling. The day after watching I finally decided to seek therapy it had that big of an impact

Sounds like covert incest

Just in case you need to hear it: you do, and I'm glad you exist.

@@Anvandiel i love you 💛 thank you

@ Nicole You deserve to heal just as much as anyone else with a story like yours or similar, and in case you don't hear it often, or haven't heard it in awhile, I love you, and I'm beyond happy and grateful to God you are here existing this world! Much love, positive energy, and blessings sent your way from me🙏🏻💙

I know this is very late but I am just seeing your comment. I have the same story, I was 5 when it started and I wasn't scared and I didn't think anything was wrong because I knew the person and I was so young. I never used to say it was sexual abuse because I never felt like I suffered. It haunts me now because I'm an adult and I understand that it was wrong. I still in the back of my mind don't think I deserve to say it. I feel uncomfortable, like I'm being unfair to the people who have suffered.

@@moonchildyoushine2486even if you didn’t “suffer” back then, you were a child and children are meant to be protected. With all due respect, the other person should have known and acted better. Or if it was a very young person too, adults should have been present to prevent it. You absolutely survived SA, I’m glad it didn’t feel as bad to you back then but you’re a survivor like everyone else and deserve to tell your story. All of this also goes to the original poster.

Luv ur channel dood!

This young lady is a massively hidden gem of RU-vid, but I get the vibe she's OK with that. And for purely selfish reasons, so am I. 💕

I love your channel. Your Midsommar video is my favourite ❤️

That sounds awful, hope you’re doing better now

Yes!! Something that people never seem to talk about are the experiences of CSA survivors who have forgotten or very deeply suppressed their memories of the event. It makes me feel like I’m a liar, like I can’t trust my own reality even though I KNOW that something awful happened, I just can’t remember when or how or who. It’s terrifying to think that someone you love could have done it, but you just don’t know for sure.

Me too, it gave me ALL of the feels, and made me reevaluate Charlie's relationship with his aunt in a darker, more sinister, light.

Why are you still battling it if it's over?

i hope you’re okay now

@@icedcashewmilklatte I am doing unimaginably okay compared to then ❤️ Thank you!

So sorry that happened to you. But I hope this book/movie can you help you work through some of the feelings.

different things can impact/traumatise people differently. i think it may have been the culmination of all the touchy acts that pushed u over the edge. i had a similar experience with a family friend and i couldnt talk to her properly for over 4 years and i didnt know why. it feels like im overreacting but it is valid if it made u feel uncomfortable and triggered you, it is worth talking about to someone professional. we also couldnt go back to how we were before (very close friends) you try to repress it and push it down but it still freaks you out. it helps to talk to someone and to set clear boundaries, also to stop seeing them. time heals everything, i trust it and i trust you can heal too

Damn, I would hate to feel trapped and insecure in my own body. Must feel like hell, huh? While I was not sexually abused, I am familiar with the feeling of insecurity and discomfort in your own body, and it is hell, and the sudden disruption of your mood and rhythm and the awkwardness in the room.

Maybe you would need that if you are weak. It's best to not let someone have that power over you to the point you need emotional support from strangers. I would kill myself before I'd ever do that.

Acknowledging the pain is extremely important. In my experience, much of the pain is caused by everyone pretending nothing happened, and living in that dual reality. Acknowledging what happened, and then probably leaving whoever wants to be left alone, alone. And then consciously trying to always be a better person in the future. The fact that no one and nothing ever seems to change is part of the continuing pain.

@@sharkofjoy When my “abuser” abused me, I felt like I was in another plane of existence. When it was “over”, I was chasing that feeling cost me my life so many times over. Embarrassment after embarrassment. Regret after regret. I need to find safer outlets to numb my feelings towards my past. I just can’t find any right now. 😔

@@fragileguyguy7226 The in another plane of existence feeling that you felt is your brain disassociating. The situation was too much to handle so your brain just retreated and took you out of the present moment. The chasing of abuse after it ends is because, if abuse is all you know, you will seek that familiarity even though you may know it’s bad for you. Both these feelings/behaviors are really common in abused children:(.

Like the user above already commented, the only thing you can now do for yourself and your well-being is to take control of your narrative: acknowledge that what happened, happened, and acknowledge how it made you feel. Let yourself feel it, it may be shitty but at least you don’t repress it. Don’t expect anything from your abusers and accept that they are not going to change. If they actually would’ve wanted to, they would have taken responsibility a long time ago. So let go. Let go of those people that make you hurt over and over, no matter which role they play in your life. Then consciously work on recognizing healthy and unhealthy patterns in your feelings and behavior and of those around you. Learn by watching ‘healthy’ individuals how they react and disseminate which triggers from your past make you react differently when put in the same circumstances. In that way, you can understanding your triggers and rewire your brain to think and feel and behave healthily. Because the main crux for abuse survivors is that the events they went through are so traumatic for their brain that the brain thinks it’s living in ride-or-die uncertainty long after the abuse has ended. That’s why it’s so hard to recover from it. And the trick is to make your brain actively recognize that, no matter how shitty your past situation is, what happened is in the past, that the current situation is safe and that you can continue living and building a safe life for yourself. You don’t have to do this alone, in fact please do seek out a therapist who validates your trauma and who can think both with you and outside of you. It’s possible to get your life together even after surviving being treated for so long unlike you deserve. You deserve better, and I believe you can get there. The first step, to consciously acknowledge the abuse and recognize its impact on you, is the hardest and takes some their entire lifetime. Yet you already did so. So I believe in you:)

It’s kind of weird when you are the guy, since women and men respond differently to certain types of abuse. There’s just less evidence because certain types of abuse are wrapped in pain.

Wow, why did you feel like you couldn't have sex?