Therapist Reacts to THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER 

My favorite quote isn’t “We accept the love we think we deserve”, it’s “You can’t just sit there and put everyone’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.” They’re both incredible advice, but the second one always resonated with me more. Hit me like a ton of bricks when I rewatched this movie after a breakup some years ago.

When you realize Sam's manic pixie dream girl trope here is really her just trying to navigate and cope through her own trauma; it seems much less of a trope and much more of a real human being portrayed on screen.

"victims go after the same relationships to recreate that scenario, but this time they win." Holy shit, that explains so much. I always wondered why I would see my friends get into relationships they knew were bad for them, and even they didn't know. Trying to regain that sense of control and power makes perfect sense.

"You will have people who reject you. You will have people who aren't interested in your company. You will have people who are judgemental of what you are. But you do it long enough and you'll find your people." I wish I'd heard this when I was a kid.

The sequence of Charlie's repressed memories of his aunt sexually abusing him was so chilling, complete with jump cuts, the lingering shots of the knife, and Charlie's sister's mounting terror after he asks her "I killed Aunt Helen, didn't I?" Since Helen was abused by someone she trusted, it's horrifying that she repeated the same cycle with Charlie. The poor guy blamed himself for her death for years.

Brilliant acting from Emma in the scene when Sam confesses to Charlie that her first kiss was from her father's boss when she was eleven. She's obviously still torn up about this, so ensures that Charlie's first kiss will be from someone who genuinely cares about him.

As someone who was sexually assaulted as a child, this movie means the world to me. No other film has been able to portray the pain and turmoil one endures after being abused. Easily one of my favorite films.

This movie, specifically the scene with the doctor telling his parents what the aunt did, is the thing that made me realize I want to go to into child psychology to help little kids understand what they've been through. I have also experienced sexual abuse from my older brother and it was one of the most difficult things in my life to understand and heal from and I'm still healing

Never clicked so fast. This movie, this book, changed my whole life. I never felt so seen by a piece of media. Thanks for reviewing this one, guys.

“despite the absolute chaos that is Ezra Miller” lmaooooo Well played. Totally agree, their character in this movie is pretty rad.

I think it's easy to forget this was a book written in '99 and the movie was directed by the author who didn't have much directing experience but he definitely had a beautiful story to convey that has touched many lives.

I greatly remember carrying this book with me everywhere like a bible, even after graduating. I related so hard because it was like a journal I wrote myself. Eventually overtime I did find my people, I did overcome and faced my trauma, and healed on my own. The day I stopped carrying it around was the day I felt the weight of my trauma lift off my shoulders. That was my "We Are Infinite" moment.

This movie spoke to me in terms of panic/anxiety attack. I've never gone through sexual abuse but seeing those scenes of Charlie panicking, gets me because of how real it is. It's almost exactly like how I do them.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." That's my favorite line in the movie, and it says so much in that one sentence! Thank you for covering one of my favorite movies. "We are infinite."

The scene that hits me the most is when Charlie is sitting at his desk and crying as he whispers to himself “stop crying.” I had a similar situation when I was a kid-it was in the morning before school started and I couldn’t stop sobbing. I paced around my room trying to ignore my parents fighting downstairs and I begged myself to stop crying. This movie is just…so painstakingly relatable. Everything is just filmed so perfectly, it hurts.

the walking home scene where he “multiplies” into a bunch of charlies made a lot of sense to me because i’ve had lived through a similar experience. walking home from class and having a panic or anxiety attack (not really sure of what it was) and suddenly the way home felt endless. like it took so much effort and it felt like the road would never end and this is kind of portrayed here in my opinion. you see 3 charlies walking as if it was 3 times longer than it actually was. it also mimics how time passes very weirdly in those moments and you can’t tell how far along the road you actually are. we don’t know which charlie we’re supposed to look at because we don’t know how far along he actually is there.

When I was in my 20's, I didn't call it "Manic Pixie Dream Girl". One of my besties and I called it. "Being the dancing bear". When in public we were both wild, crazy and loving. We made people laugh and were always doing crazy things and telling crazier stories. When we met...we both stopped. We bonded over how exhausting it was to try to live up to that. We felt like we always had to perform. We had both been abused and didn't want anyone else to feel pain. So we over compensated when around 'people'. And we never let anyone see us in pain. I'm with Alan. I hate the trope. Because we were supporting characters in our own lives and have had to learn how to put ourselves out there as three dimensional main characters. And that's not a story that's ever told. We didn't get a roadmap and couldn't afford therapy. She and I figured it out together. We could have done with a sassy talking dog.

As a sexual trauma survivor, I loved this film because it's very accurate protrayl of remembering the trauma for the first time. I remembered my trauma right when I started puberty at 12. I used to have dreams but it never showed it clearly until that night, and since then my life took a turn. I became depressed and went to therapy. I justified my abusers actions because they did have a terrible life, and I've come to realize that just like I got help, they could've too. As the result of this trauma, I've made horrible decisions due to the subconsious effects of having this trauma, and I work towards unlearning that everyday. This movie is great at handling these delicate topics without glorifying them. This movie is close to my heart because I felt understood.

“People who are generally good can do terrible sh*t” As someone who was on the receiving end of abuse by someone who was exactly like that, I still struggle with those thoughts about that person. Like Charlie, I have so many good memories of that person, and then there’s the singular memory that just tarnishes all the good. It’s so complicated to reconcile. Thank you for touching on this.

I was molested my mother not so long ago, and for months I would invalidate me feeling like I was "actually assaulted" because it was done by a woman. I make myself rationalize her behavior and deffend it. My friends would call me out on it as well, but I never heard them out. That was all before I watched this movie. This movie made me realize that what happened to me and my feelings about it ARE valid. And that her having a bad childhood didn't mean she could do that stuff to me. This movie quite literally saved my life when I was having alot of victim blaming thoughts and was thinking of attempting again. It made me realize that it wasn't my fault, and that I COULD blame her for what she did to me.

I didn’t fully grasp the whole abuse angle when I saw this originally, I had no frame of reference for that sort of thing. What spoke to me was the self-hatred, Charlie’s self harm, and the feeling that you’re not living your own life and merely looking at everyone else’s.

On the note of people needing therapy because they've *done* terrible things, that's something that doesn't get talked about much, because we generally think of people who do terrible things as being deserving of suffering. And that might be true, to a degree. I think we need to understand that we are all capable of doing terrible things

"victims of abuse often try and even subconsciously, recreate what they've been through" left me absolutely speechless. winded even. that sentence like opened my eyes to why i have such a hard time moving on from my abuser and unhealthy situations. this channel is my saving grace i swear to god

When she kisses him and looks at him and says "I love you Charlie" ... it kinda reminds me of "Heal from having your parents before having children so you're children don't have to heal from having YOU as a parent"....I think she's trying to give him what she would've liked to have for her first kiss. And I think that's why she even put aside the fact that she has a boyfriend and even after clarifying it to him,she still wants that for him. "Enough about my problems and failures, let's instead try to prevent someone else from going through that"

I read the book in my junior year of high school and mailed a letter to the author because I was so moved by it. During my freshman year at college, my mom forwarded to me a handwritten response from Stephen Chbosky. Such a treat.

I watched this movie when it came out, my brother ended his life that summer, the scene he confesses that his friend died by suicide broke my heart and what Emma Watson's and Ezra Miller's characters did next absolutely destroyed me. It was so kind, so sweet. I related so hard to Charlie in many ways and as pretentious it can be, it's probably my favourite film because I felt seen for the first time.

I absolutely loved this movie, I really need to read the book. While "we are infinite" may be cheesy it does encapsulate the hope/optimism of our teenage years.

See, I feel Charlie’s psychological struggle of “there are good people…like my aunt.” I always believed that my parents were good people. They guided me through life, raised me, and let me live in their house. That is good, don’t get me wrong, it is. But taking a step back from everything and moving out of my home made me see that I was believing in only their example of what life should be, rather than what it actually was. My mother is a narcissist who believes everything should be done her way only; and my father is, in his words, “a husband before a father”. That is what I had to realize and it hurt when I had to recognize that. It still hurts. Believing in a role model is a double edged sword; knowing there is no perfect human being, while at the same time seeing someone be a good person to those around them is reassuring of moral righteousness in the world. Find moral truth in your own life, but don’t live by another’s example unless it is a healthy one.

Thank you Alan for commenting on representation that more black women desperately deserve. Couldn't have said it better.

Can we acknowledge how perfect David Bowie's "Heroes" is for this movie? It perfectly encapsulates that feeling, that feeling that you could do anything, at least for one day, and how even if you're not a hero, you're allowed to feel like one every now and then. I know Landslide by Fleetwood Mac was the tunnel song in the book, but as gorgeous as that song is, I don't think it would give me butterflies in this movie quite like "Heroes" does.

I saw this movie in theaters when I was going through a dark depression. I don’t know why or how I ended up there, but it ended up saving my life. Seeing Charlie’s journey start with deep rooted anxiety and ending on such a positive note filled me with intense hope. Definitely one of the best coming of age movies of all time.

My biggest lesson after high school was that in social situations, most people don't care what you say as long as you say something. I was terrified of talking to most people as a teen, then at about 22/23 I started actually started trying and realized everyone's putting in the effort to find common ground

The moment I connected the most was when Charlie's repressed memories resurfaced. It happened to me. I was almost kidnapped when I was around 10. At the time I had the stranger danger talk, but didn't really know why strangers are dangerous. I left my school bus and waved to my grandma from the balcony. She saw me enter the building and all I had to do was climb up the stairs and enter my house on the first floor. In that short time...... I was approached by this creep. Luckily the guy tried hiding me in a corner which happened to be right next to my front door. After I escaped it was like it never even happened. Until I was in my teens and I faced a scary incident where I was stalked when I just went out grocery shopping. I went home, acted normally, went to the bathroom and locked myself in there for an hour or 2, just scrubbing my body clean and crying. I didn't have my dinner that day and just went to sleep. But I couldn't. I kept replaying the moment in my head, trying to find what I could have done and all of a sudden I remembered. I remembered the incident I had as a kid. I was so shocked I got out of my bed and I was just pacing around my room until my legs got tired and I couldnt hold it anymore. I cried and just holding my head and hitting myself because I could not stop crying and I felt like I could no longer breathe. I just felt scared now that I know and remembered what happened, I knew what happened when I didn't even know it as a child and that scared me. I became very paranoid and a recluse. I'm trying work on it now since I need to go out and work but, I've never felt safe anywhere except for my home. I was always on edge, even with friends I would find myself checking my surroundings, taking precautions, declining to go anywhere where my parents wasn't informed of. The awful thing was even though I'm so careful, shit like this continued to happen to me, but less now that I'm an adult that looks like an adult. I had more incidents like this as a child or a teen, and that scares and enraged me at the same time. Its like a stain that's hard to remove. And I worry if I ever have children, if they were to share the same fate as countless others like me.

Your comments about assigning archetypes to different people made me realize that I'd love for you guys to discuss Cabin in the Woods. I felt that was such a great exploration of the horror movie archetypes being shifted around to different people than you'd expect. Every character in the main cast of that movie is set up to be a different trope from classic teen horror movies, but not the trope you'd expect from first glance.

Did you know that this story is autobiographical? Charlie = Stephen Chbosky. And yes-Stephen Chbosky is definitely from Pittsburgh. There is no manic pixie girl trope in this story. Sam is real. Emma did a great job, and Logan's performance is devastating and real and infinite.

“In some cases the bridge is burned. I hope you get your shit together and that you become a better person and the people around you in your life will be able to trust you. I can’t. I can’t go there and that is the natural consequences of the choices you made and that’s going to have to be a part of the accountability process” is just so powerful and hit me on such a deep level after a lot of horrible personal experiences I’ve had throughout my life. From 21:30-22:30 was just so perfectly spoken and thank you for taking the time to talk about all of this 💗

“we need more bland black women” - Alan Seawright Has me DEAD

I would love to see you talk more about the manic pixie dream girl and how that relates to women with ADHD. As a woman with adhd, my symptoms have been romanticized to fit this trope.

This movie made me feel so much less alone. Charlie is so much like how I was at that age. I dealt with PTSD, sexual abuse and the struggles of making friends and making well intentioned mistakes. He saw his aunt how I saw my abuser. I watch this movie to remind myself that there's a story after the story after the story. I watch this movie to help me process my trauma. The only other person I met that had an idea what I went through hurt me deeply, so to see someone, even a character go through that and handle it like I did made me feel like it was okay to have this trauma and it didn't make me a bad person.

I am 50 years old and have NEVER heard the connection you have made with abused people who often times recreate situations in their lives so that they can feel like they have finally won... Wow... My mind is blown. How often do we blame someone who has struggled with their lives, who might be in a cycle of trying to gain victory over repeated, uninvited abuses they have endured. I have to go pick my jaw up off the door. Thank you for this video...

I hadnt truly realized I was a victim of s*xual abuse until those last minutes of this movie. I started questioning why it was effecting me so much and why I could see myself so clearly in what happened to Charlie and the way that pain is just shoved down so deeply its hard to even remember its there and that its the cause of so much. It was the first pull from the well and it felt so weirdly carthartic evem though it made cry so hard

I'm a little surprised that Alan really didn't seem to connect to this movie. Yes, movies like this have been done before, but I feel like they made a real effort to ground this movie and make it feel realistic and not just it's 1990 setting. Everyone felt real and not just there for Charlie's story as Alan seems to indicate. Sam has her own problems and her own journey we see a part of and I think to this day it's Emma's best performance to date.

I love Emma’s attempt at an American accent. Her British accent still comes through in various moments, but I think it makes her [movie] “accent” more interesting

sam is a great example of a MPDG being humanized, breaking the stereotype and showing her dimensions, i love her so much

As someone who used to hit myself impulsively when I was emotionally overwhelmed, and never understood why- the explanation at 16:55 was cathartic- all I came here for was interesting movie commentary and I end up having a paradigm shift😭 thank you cinema therapy🥺

"We need movies about bland black woman being woken up by manic pixie dream non-binary" Y-yes... Yes!! We DO need that!!

I always felt ashamed for causing myself pain during a trigger.. but the way you guys explained it is soo true, that’s exactly how it feels. How do you deal with family who is abusive when you are stuck with no where else to go? To set boundaries with those who aim to oppress another to the point that you almost need permission to breathe.

As a native Pittsburgher, I love how they used the city and the Fort Pitt Tunnel as a means of symbolizing a new birth for Charlie. Our city is so beautiful, and coming out of that tunnel is breathtaking and I try to never forget that. People don't often think of beauty and Pittsburgh, and I hope someone else got to see it bc of this film.

The only male "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" that I can think of is Jack from Titanic

I was sexually abused by two relatives as a child and I attempted suicide when I was 15 because of it. It shaped my life in a terrible way for a long time, and this book/movie was just one of many things that have helped me learn to love and empower myself again. Along with y’all’s channel. So, thank you. Really 🙏🏽✨

For me the moment of the Multiple Charlie’s during the breakdown, it shows his mental state fracturing. As he decompensates and disassociates, we get to see various Charlie’s and he also goes through different memories and even remembers them slightly differently as they look at him with judgement. It’s done so beautifully.

Coming from a life that was quite mired in abuse, as in it felt like everywhere I turned I could see it, the scene where Charlie speaks of it and how overwhelmed he is to see so much pain spoke to me. Like, the world sucks I know, but sometimes it's like you're almost feeling everyone's share of pain and you wish you could change things or turn it around or make it stop or make it that it never happened but you can't and it's overwhelming I love this book/movie so much

The best therapist I've come across was a man who interrupted me in the middle of my explanation in how my abusive ex had a horrible childhood, as if that explained his behaviour. The therapist stopped me and explained around 19:40. That basically I'm allowed to feel hurt, feel angry and feel unhappy with certain actions done to me no matter of the perpetrators potential terrible life. What a complete eye opener for me.

That sequence of Charlie being triggered then contemplating and planning the 's' word we're not allowed to say on RU-vid was so well acted and produced it took me straight back to the times I've felt the same way. The moment the police broke through the door the floodgates opened and I started sobbing hysterically. I've never heard noises like that come out of me before, it caught me completely off-guard. I'm just so glad I was at home and not in the cinema!

My therapist taught me that boundaries are the way I can love you (whoever you are) AND love myself. I think that’s really beautiful.

This move, especially as a SA survivor, really hit home in a lot of ways. It was beautifully done and, no matter how many times I watch it, I always ball my eyes out.

I don’t think I agree with Sam being labeled a manic pixie dream girl in this movie. She very much has a fleshed out personality and acts as a three dimensional person, she’s just not the protagonist. We do need more movies that focus on anything but straight white men and boys, but labeling unconventional female side characters as manic pixie dream girls conflates two different issues imo. Sam isn’t just a plot device that changes Charlie, she acts like a real person might and has a semblance of a life outside of Charlie with her own motivations and interests. A manic pixie dream girl exists for the protagonist, to change them, to help them find themselves. While she undoubtedly does that, there’s so much more.

This movie captures the emotional weight of reliving trauma so well. The jump cuts, the self-blame. Wanting to find a way out but constantly being swamped by wave after wave of so many emotions: grief, anger, sadness, low self-esteem. Charlie is such an embodiment of hope and empathy, as well as the difficulty in spiraling from not knowing how to help oneself.

I hated this movie when I first watched it. Mostly because it triggered me. I didn't realize that was why at the time though. It just felt super depressing. It just brought up too many raw feelings and it hurt a lot to watch. It is still hard to watch. But the ending is encouraging and lovely because that really can be how it is when you start healing from trauma. You start participating in your own life again and letting go of what happened. It's so hard to break out of that black and white thinking too of people either being all good or all bad. People are more complicated than that. And healthy boundaries can be hard to learn, but they're so necessary. I'm still learning as I go, but my life has gotten so much better and happier since the last time I saw this movie at least 5 or more years ago. It's so empowering to realize that you can let go of what you went through and it doesn't have to define your life and make you fearful going forward.

This movie means a lot to me. Now that I think about it, this movie is basically my life. I lost my first best friend at 16 to a car accident. I have BPD. I am a writer. And feel exactly like Charlie. Never seen depression shown so well. The part where he's walking back and forth and keeps rubbing his face... exactly what it's like to have a manic moment.

I’ve always been impressed by the fact that the author wrote the screen play, directed the movie and cast the characters, it is SO much like the book

"Replacing emotional pain with physical pain." Yes. Exactly. I used to self harm (5 years clean!!) and it was because the wound was something I could "fix", something I could watch heal, when I couldn't do the same for the emotional wounds

The start in this video gave me goosebumps, and Logan Lerman is such a good actor. I really adore him in this movie even though I've only seen it once. I feel like crying and give him lots of love, just by watching this video. It's a really good movie! Stuff you guys did that killed me: 1. 1:11, The introduction. 2. 3:01, The look Jonathan gave Alan while country music's going on. 3. 03:46, "It's Hermione. Krum won't leave her alone". 4. 06:50, Innocent danger, still doesn't work, lmao! 5. 07:36, Jonathan singing "I kissed a girl and I liked it". 6. 08:31, where Jono says "okay", lmao! 7. 10:24, Been there, buddy! *dead* 8. 25:33, Speed, lmao! I actually want to do that! 9. 26:47: Al - infinite, but I was just a sack of meat and I'm gonna die, lmao! 10. 29:34, Jono, lmao! Feel like crying: 4:33, Why do you feel like this is what you deserve? Best quote: 3:34, "We accept the love we think we deserve". I was actually disappointed with "We can try", but then you guys explained that it was a mild correction that we can't make others do anything, but try. Thank you! 9:28: Shite, I'm Manic Pixie Dream Girl to my bf, lol.

You should do The Parent Trap. I was watching it yesterday and kept telling myself "All of the adults in this movie need serious therapy" lol

I have the head smashing tendency and I've never told anybody about it because it sounds like such a strange, "crazy" thing to do; this is the first time I've heard anybody talk about it openly and explained it so well. Thanks for relieving that stigma a bit, guys.

"So much of counseling isn't counseling. It's asking. Especially because people are struggling to organize their thoughts or because they're not giving themselves permission to ask certain questions. And so implicitly give them that,"

I have avoided this movie, and this youtube video, like the plague. Ever since i read the plot of this movie years ago, i just could never ever bring myself to watch this film. I have repressed memories too, related to a parent. Watching the scene of Charlie remembering and sobbing and hitting his head on the door made me feel so sick to my stomach. Just the mention of this movie makes me shake and shallow-breathed. Watching him with Joan Cusack Therapist was like watching me all over. I cant handle this movie. I relate too hard but it sounds like a beautiful film. I hope one day im strong enough to finally watch.

The first time I saw this movie I was about 15 or 16. I was silently dealing with horrible anxiety and panic, along with ADHD and some depression. My extended family disapproved of my mom finally putting me on anxiety medicine, so I felt very ashamed of my mental illness and repressed a lot of my emotions. This movie was the first time I’d seen a panic attack, anxiety, or depression depicted the way I experienced it. I remember sitting up in my seat and staring wide-eyed in awe at the screen - they had actually captured what I felt like. I felt so seen. I suddenly didn’t feel so alone. This movie gave me hope when I needed it most.

I cackled at the Ezra Miller disclaimer. I hate that I love their characters so much when they make themselves so difficult to stand behind

Once I read about how the author wrote the book based on his personal experince while growing up. The thought that he was the only one that was fealling like Charlie, but he was suprised of how many of us felt like Charlie once. To me also means the world, because as I was growing up and re-reading the book I wasn´t alone, Charlie was by my side. For the time that I was reading it was Charlie and me against the world

Watching this movie and reading this book in middle school messed me up bc I had a lot of repressed memories at the time that I wasn’t aware I was repressing. This movie was certainly a trigger but I’m grateful for it. I felt less alone bc I thought “if there’s a movie about it I can’t be the only one experiencing this” I also felt like I could maybe one day open up and tell ppl what happened, and it could even be beneficial for me to do so. Now I’m 23 and this movie still sticks with me, kind of as a reminder of when mentally everything changed, I now realize it changed for the better.

This movie came out the year my life fell apart: Lost my job, lost my apartment, boyfriend dumped me, all but one of my friends dumped me, and lost my health for about a year. It was brutal but this film was something to hang on to and gave me hope. The old friends never came back, the one friend that stayed got married and we don't talk much anymore. Besides my job, I volunteer a lot and help abused and abandoned animals. It's been 10 years but I'm in a life that is a lot different than I thought I'd be living. And I'm okay with it.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." I didn't love this movie, it just wasn't what I love. But this is one of the most memorable lines of any movie. Ever.

I can never express my gratitude to Stephen Chbosky for writing this story. I have never seen myself more in a character than with Charlie. The book is what made me, at 14, want to become a psychologist, because it was when I realized I wasn’t the only one going through this kind of stuff, and that maybe, even if it’s just by understanding and letting them know they’re seen, maybe I can help. This story is so, so important. We aren’t just crazy, abused, autistic, empathetic, gay, students, siblings… we are everything and we are nothing at all and it’s ok. It’s ok to be infinite.

I love this RU-vid channel so much. I love psychology. I love movies. I love humor. This is so perfect

I just went through a terrible suicidal period after finally telling my mom about my csa and she called me a liar and said therapy is making me believe things that are not true. I got lost in this headspace of “but they had terrible lives” just like Charlie did. Hearing you guys explain how bad people can have humanity really helped me. I feel the positive memories I have with my abusers actually bring up more pain and suffering than the negative memories because they leave me so confused. They make me feel like I can’t trust any form of love, goodness, and positive memories. I wish more people brought awareness to the nuance of abusive people because I truly feel I’ve almost lost my life multiple times because of the pure HELL it is to constantly question whether or not what happened to me was actually abuse. Thank you guys so much for being a light in my life💜

After being through two rounds of therapy I now know why this film hit me so much. I was always a spectator because I had to behave. Be the good child. Have no needs or wants. And never be infinite.

"As long as you´re trying and you´re making this effort you will find your people." exactly!

Logan made a beautiful performance in this movie. I read the book before the movie came out and I cried a lot with both things. It's one of my favourite movies ever and it has a special place in my soul.

I watched this movie with my dad and he cried and said, that this movie reminded him of his youth and how he lost friends and gained friends

"You do it long enough and you find your people." More people need to hear that, over and over again. Especially young people still trying to find their place in the world. It can feel so lonely and hopeless, they just need to keep looking because their people are out there, also looking for THEIR people.

I felt like "We accept love we think we deserve" was so profound, kind of didn't expect this kind of depth from this movie. But I also think that there is a flip side to this, when people get to be with someone they think they don't deserve they then either jeopardize the relationship or try and bring the person down to their level, provoking them to be or act worst than they are, so then it starts making sense.

As a survivor of child abuse, this hit home. Thank you so much for the care you put into this movie and this topic♥️

There's also a phenomenon where a person that has gone through abuse may unintentionally project things like having low self esteem through body language/subtle cues. People who have abusive traits may subconsciously pick up on vulnerability and proceed to put their best foot forward with the vulnerable person and show few signs of abuse when "courting"(the image the person puts on is actually love bombing and not healthy/genuine courting). A person who has been abused can be swept away by the initial persona and completely miss red flags due to not having a calibration for what is considered warning signs for abuse; especially when abusive behavior has been normalized. So re-enacting situations to gain control can be a thing, but sometimes it's the opposite. Where an abusive person is the one "seeking" out vulnerable people, and the vulnerable person is tricked by a lovely mask. Edited to clarify that the lovebombing isn't healthy courting

As someone who survived CSA this film (and the book) wrecked me. I read the book before getting therapy for that trauma and reading Charlie's journey hurt so much. I didn't understand why until I realized I was looking at myself, if I could face what was done to me. It hurt, but it was so healing for me.

I never read this book or saw this movie, but when it was really popular I came across this quote from it. The words carried my heart through a very dark time because it put into words my simultaneous grief and hope: “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”

instantly saw this notification and said "OH NO" because this is a comfort film of mine that makes me cry so hard every time and i relate a lot to charlie. let's see how much this episode makes me cry edit: i've had conversations with my mum about my past experiences that she knows i've gone through (losing best friends because they didn't want to be friends anymore, romantic partners that maybe weren't great) and specifically said to her the line "we accept the love we think we deserve". i know it was kinda blown up into a massive 2014 era tumblr quote along with the fault in our stars and other media like that, but it's true. when i was in my last relationship i thought i'd have to end my life in order to get out of it because i just couldn't see an end, because i was so scared of the repercussions of me breaking up with that person on their mental health (but obviously that wouldn't have done me or the other person any favours). also love the discussion about how more diversity is needed in films like this, because you're both right. i do love this film but there are issues of the entire cast being white and it all kind of just being one demographic lmao. with charlie's breakdown scene, as soon as the music kicks in i'm always in tears. it's incredible but it's like a kick in the gut because i've had breakdowns like that where i haven't been able to stop thinking about things that happened in my past and it just keeps on coming. i also really related to him saying "there is so much pain, and i don't know how to not notice it" because i'm overwhelmed with stuff that happened to me, and the things happening to the people i love. and i think i too find it hard to blame the people that have hurt me in the past. and like you said, as cheeseball as that moment is, moments like those really do make life worth living. just thank you for covering this movie, it means a lot to me. for a lot of my life (and even now), i've been terrified of making connections, but connections have also been the thing to have saved me. also love how the surfshark deal link is cinematheray lmao

This movie and the book it’s based on mean so much to me because they’re so relatable. I struggle with depression and anxiety and PTSD, I’ve been sexually abused, I’ve been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, I was the shy, awkward teen and am still shy and awkward, but more confident after the lessons and connections I’ve learned and made

I really like what you guys said about how good people are capable of doing horrible things, and vice versa. People are so much more complicated than just good guys and bad guys. That really hit home.

my theory is that I think that the walking home scene depicted multiple charlies as he was remembering multiple memories of abuse because although he is the same person now, each individual experience of abuse split him into a distinct sense of reality. from all of the memories he retrieved, each version of him feels like an entirely separate entity that is still connected to who he is. visually it implies the personal dissociation that allows memories to be repressed or suppressed. like it wasn’t charlie #1 who experienced that, it was charlie #2 and charlie #3. disassociating from the versions of himself that experienced the abuse helped him compartmentalize and psychologically survive.

Summer, Ramona Flowers, and Clementine aren’t really Manic Pixie Dream Girls. MPDGs are weak writing tools that help the protagonist of a story feel alive and they their self have seemingly no strife in their life. Summer has her own experiences, and makes it clear to Tom that she’s not looking for a relationship but he still perpetuates his thoughts on her. Ramona Flowers is not perfect, and in fact kind of terrible with the way she treated her exes and dumped them, and Scott Pilgrim fails to initially recognize this about her. Clementine already knows she’s a concept to men, attracting them with her colorful hair and quirky behavior, but she’s fully aware that she has her own shit to sort out in her own life, not serve as a tool for some guy to feel better about himself. In the movie Elizabethtown, Claire is a prime example of MPDG because she helps Drew, a suicidal white guy, overcome his woes through her quirky behavior and larger than life views, while she herself seems to have no internal or external conflicts of her own. She only serves Drew’s needs in the story to help him progress and overcome his conflict, and absolutely nothing more. THAT’S a MPDG.

This movie really meant a lot to me as a survivor of abuse. I struggled greatly with being overly forgiving and letting friends use and treat me like garbage cause I wanted so desperately to have people. I really appreciate the reaction; however, the joke about “bland white male” leads kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Charlie is severely socially stunted from trauma both old and recent. I get that it comes off as boring and unbelievable that Sam and Patrick would befriend him but people with trauma often group together. Idk, I would have just wanted to curl up and die if someone came up to me as a teenager and said that I came off as completely uninteresting because so much of my mental effort went into keeping myself alive everyday.

I always felt this was like a slightly darker and serious John Hughes movie. Also it spoke to me deeply. I felt a kinship with Charlie. I wish it was made many years before so it could have helped me understand myself more when I was a teenager. The outsider, the odd one out, the oversensitive one, often seen as weak. I see him as empathic, introvert and a hypersensitive personality with depression, anxiety, ptsd. I was always told to grow tougher skin, don't take it so seriously, but the environment and people around had such an impact. Feeling the pain and struggle felt by others and almost feeling guilty and failure if you are unable to make them feel better, because you know how aweful it is to struggle. You absorb that along with the voices in your head screaming for someone to help you, understand you, and care about you but thinking you don't deserve it. It is a paradox and contradiction that make you war with your self. It took until late 20s early 30s to start to understand that the ability to feel and emphasize is not a weakness. You just have to figure out how to understand and cope with it. Same goes with trauma. That I am still working on. This movie actually made me understand myself a little more and wish the discussion of mental health existed in my home and school as a teenager.

This movie had such an impression on me when I first saw it. When I saw the "we accept the love we think we deserve" scene I burst into tears because I was feeling stuck in a toxic, abusive relationship and it just really made my situation hit home and I began to see the relationship for what it was.

This is a hard episode for me. I dealt with something in the same vein from my dad- not physical, he made me read the CP he wrote when I was 10. There were a lot of other really messed up things he said or did, and for the longest time I just excused it as "stupid stuff." Like he was too much of an idiot to get what a creep he was being. I stopped speaking to him when I was 15, and when I was 23 my therapist caught me mentioning it and it was one of those record scratch moments you get in therapy. When I realized it was all wrong, the feelings came flooding through. I broke NC when I was 27 for a *week* and had to start it up again, because the feelings came flooding back. And anything he said was still steeped in the discomforting betrayal. But also, I've lived all over the US. When I left the hellhole environment of devaluing and being labeled The Family B%7@$ from the age of 10, I did research on where to rebuild. And Pittsburgh is where I now call home. That bridge is nothing. I've had commutes to work that are all river and mountains. It's the most wonderful and gorgeous place in the entire world. Pittsburgh is the home I made.

"We accept the love we think we deserve." So that's why I've never had, don't have and never will have a romantic relationship. Not completely sure if it's accurate to describe it as what I think I deserve. But it's what I've chosen at least. And I wager it's better than a dv, financially exploitative, gaslighting or a cheating partner relationship.

Shame the movie was taken so lightheartedly here. It's such an important film that deals with emotion and trauma in such a real way to connect to so so many people. This movie was a pivotal point in my life as a teen making me realise I wanted to be a therapist to be there for people like Charlie and all of his friends.

Having been a teen who struggled with deep depression and struggled to stay alive your commentary here was so refreshing and healing. Especially the sections of trauma and abuse. I never got a choice of any of my intimacy moments when I was young and was relentlessly shamed because of what was done to me. I ended up hating myself for keep talking to these bad people but was so desperate and felt like I could only be loved if they decided to respect me and see me. Insanely thankful that I am now married to potentially the kindest and most caring person I have ever met and continuing to heal.

For October coming up, "The Babadook" could be a cool look at grief. Love your channel!

As someone who was born and raised in Pittsburgh, I have always loved this book/film, and love that it was shot locally. So many of these places remind me of my life there! And yes, I have stuck myself out of a sunroof going through the Fort Pitt Tunnels.