Can a Narcissist Change? 

Just read a book on narcissism written by a psychiatrist in my country (I'm from Hungary). He's been treating narcissistic and NPD patients for decades. It was an extremely triggering as well as educating read to me. His experiences, sadly, show that even those "mature" narcs who seek therapy are extremely difficult to improve. It takes several years and a very professional, resilient therapist. Even then, the majority of the cases are failures. This personality style, mostly if pathological, is massively rigid. I've seen it with my Dad. Lost cause, I'd suggest you guys run for the hills, and find a healthy person. Seriously.

Intentions don’t mean a thing especially when the narcissistic person gets a kick out of being hurtful.

Narcissists DON'T change, certainly not to any significant degree. If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, get out of there FAST as it will just be a matter of time before they gradually destroy your soul, your self-esteem, your confidence, your self of self etc etc.

One can have Narcissistic behavior as a trauma response of their own without ACTUALLY being a narcissist and those people can get better.

I left The process was slow, I was always tired, always in a bad mood and I could barely function. When my thoughts got in a really dark place I went to therapy and I think it saved my life. I didn't know I was in a mentally abusive relationship for 10 years. I was hard to realize, the manipulation was subtle but continous. When he thought he trapped me financially (house) and I learned with the help of my therapist to set boundaries and get in touch with my feelings, everything got worse. I tried for nearly one year by changing my bahavior. In 11 years not one sorry for anyhting he did. no step forward... Juste make sure when you leave to understand what was your part in the story, it will help so much for the future. I hope he will be able one day to reflect his behavior, but not with me at his side anymore. Now living my best life, no regrets. I have lot of energy. I lost my dreamhouse, some friends, the village I loved, but nothing of this was worth staying and I managed to replace them quickly. Being alone (when you're really alone) is not as hard as beeing alone when your partner is around.

Narcissists don't change but a person who was raised by a narc and therefore adopted their behavior, that person can change

Fiance left me around Thanksgiving, and now Im watching her repeat the cycle with a new guy. The worst part is knowing all I did for 5 years was try to help her grow at the cost of my own progress and growth, only to have her leave because I got jealous and miserable for being ignored and belittled. If anyone else is struggling please remember: You deserve better.

I had to finally decide that it was more important to not allow my children to think this was an acceptable way to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, it put my life at risk and landed him in jail. Be safe out there everyone who is ready to leave a toxic relationship! Thank you for these videos!

Someone with narcissistic trait in theory change. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder. Run! Recognise the signs and leave!

I was so upset that my responses were not who I am. Silent treatment to an abuser is called gray rock. Reactive abuse is not our fault; it's survival.

Didn’t wait around for that change - emotional abuse is not an optional now, today … not tomorrow !

For the person reading this, who is trying to get themselves out of one of these relationships...or maybe you're just starting to realise what you're dealing with... It has taken around 3 years of healing, but finally I feel relief and freedom instead of sadness at 'losing' this imaginary character who repeatedly reinforced my own thoughts... that I didn't matter. These people can utterly destroy your self worth, and nothing you can ever do or say will ever change them. Nothing. Keep the faith and give yourself time to heal.

Apologies? Huh? In my experience, the one who is abused is the one who apologizes. The abuser tells you that you made it up or you're too sensitive. Or it was your fault that it happened at all. In my experience, they do not apologize. Ever.

I know this is meant for romantic relationships, but as a child of a narcissistic parent, this has helped me with knowing how to set boundaries. Thank you, Jimmy!

My 20 year anniversary is next month. I, and my children, sleep at our new place tonight. I finally have had enough. I've cried a lot this last month. He said he's finally seen the light and can totally change and be present in our relationship and family. My question is, if it was so easy, why didn't he do it 15 years ago when I first started saying he wasn't participating in our life. Such a waste of time...all those years.

It doesnt matter what label you put on a toxic person, they will continue to be toxic no matter what the other partner does. I showed him I'd leave and he doubled down on the toxic and became even worse. So I left. Hes back to hoovering. I'm not buying it.

My ex is a narcissist, but he was like that due to a survival trait related to the negative environment he had growing up according to research. He is a better human now. Not for everyone, and it's a slow process, it seems. Accountability is huge, but how Jimmy taught me to approach telling him about my needs properly, with respect. Anyways since then, he watches Jimmys videos and is growing. Have hope, but dont waste yourself, I only really found peace once I started to heal myself and hold us both accountable. ❤️ Jimmy changed our life! Many blessings 🙏🏽

Thank you Jimmy for the end where you reach out to those who aren't narcissists but are being called that even though they want to build actual real connection with their significant other and are willing to put in the work.

they have to face there pain instead of suppressing and face their fears. MOST aren’t going to change until they hit rock bottom! Sometimes not even then. My dad lost two children to death and me who don’t speak to them again. He had a severe back surgery and he still hasn’t changed at 73. He is now alone and single.

I can't say that he is a narcissist, I can say I had to leave. UGH! the hardest thing I had to do. And I can say, I am more true to myself then I have ever been. Another sad, but satisfying statement.

I don't think so. It's formed deeply in childhood and may have rewired the brain. We can hope, but be realistic. They really don't feel love for anyone, especially for themselves. Good luck to all those who endure the narcissist. ❤

I saw my narcissistic ex following you on instagram. It was like a slap in the face. Having to go through so much with my ex just to see her following an account like this on instagram didn’t feel good. I’m glad that putting me through hell has helped her want to change 🙃

Howry cwap after hearing this information. I can Identify as a covert narcissist in a relationship with a covert narcissist. I may not be much but I'm all I think about. While believing I do everything for everybody. This gives me some hope hearing your perspective on narcissist having a chance at relationship success

My parents are narcissists and I had to walk away from those relationships. It was messy and their behavior was disgusting. Every day I mourn my lack of properly caring birth parents.

Lundy Bancroft says only 1-3% ever change. And they only 'change' if they stay in therapy several times every single week for the rest of their lives. He says that, even after years of therapy for many, many hours, if they stop they'll go right back to old behaviours. So that brings it down to 0%. I believe that people can have a Damascus road experience, or a Nebuchadnezzar eating grass...but those are few and far between

Everyone can change. Narcissists can change, murderers can change, cheaters can change, but why waste our precious life on them? In adult relationships no one has the right to intentionally hurt anyone in the first place.

I truly love the way you present serious subjects…most people here are struggling and hinging on depression or worse so it’s so wonderful to hear true difficult facts in very good way! God bless you!

This is beautiful, helpful and balanced. There is so much information out there about narcissists that view them, and relationships, from a 'toxic' perspective. Thank you, Jimmy. You have given us some great ways to nurture our relationships (if indeed they are safe) that are kind, respectful and mature 🙏🏾❤️

That is actually the best video on this specific topic I have ever seen. And I swear, I saw a lot of them. My best friend has many of these narcissistic treits. We have known each other for almost a lifetime and she did hurt me many times in my life. Left scars. Impacted all of my realitionships. But now we are trying to work it out together and I am starting to heal. And this video was talking about it as well. It was not just labeling someone as narcissist, but actually doing something for that realitionship. Doing something for yourself and your self-validation as well. Especially the last part about how protecting yourself from harm can actually demage your life and realitionships. This one hits really hard. Thanks for this video.

Thank you so much for this excellent message! I feel so supported and encouraged. You kindly illustrate useful methods to deal with this difficult situation. This is exactly the point that I am at with someone I love dearly.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! They don’t admit - they just destroy! Run

Thank you for the video!!! Keep on raising awareness: narcissistic abuse creates so much damage in society and leads to huge beautiful human potential loss (or even suicide) 🙏

So so right!! It’s hard but thank you for saying it clear 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Amazing Video Thanks!! 🎉🙏🙏🙏 I’m the “narcissist” in the relationship and I don’t want to be doomed like everyone else seem to say about that narcissists can’t heal. I believe I can do anything I put my mind to but this has really made me doubt when everyone says it’s impossible. You gave me a boost of more hope! Thank you 🙏 Loved the video!!!! ❤

This was very encouraging! Healing and change is possible.

Amen! Thank you for verbalizing my whole life and especially the last 10 years.

This is the best video I've seen yet on relationships with Narcissists. This is making me feel like it's time to line up where I'm going to go the next time things go sideways.

Problem is, when you start identifying and calling out the toxic behavior, it makes things a thousand times worse because of the way it inflames the deep shame that already exists for the narcissist. People with narcissistic traits can change. People with NPD cannot, because they simply cannot take accountability for their wrongdoings.

Thank you for this. My narc has worked hard to change, and yes, it took the fear of losing me and the recognition of depression (not in that order). Do they still do narcissistic things... of course, and sometimes they slip up, but life is so much better now than it was. We are healing and a work in progress. Nothing I did or said made a difference for a long time, though, and there are lasting effects we both have to live with. It has to be their decision change. So I can see why many never change. I also had to recognize his attempts to change and get away from the label in order to see it and allow it. I'm glad I did. Not all narcissists are the same. Some are actually people with strong narcissistic tendencies that go full-blown as a response to something else (like depression), but that can be missed, and labels don't help.

I need to not give a damn anymore, I have no place to go and he knows it.

Wanting to share in a mutually fulfilling and honest relationship is a normal response. It's normal. Being in a power dynamic where they don't care about your feelings, aren't willing to listen, cut you off, shut you out, bring you in only to shut you out is NOT okay, it's dysfunctional. It will, over time, take from you and you will be like me, trying to find your way back to normal.

Jimmy, I love your voice!! Just listening to you makes my day so much better. Thank you for the insights...and your calm but lovely voice. Happy Spring !!!!❤❤❤

I think more people need to learn that Narcissism is an incurable disability, and look at narcissists with pity, rather than hatred and malice. It is actually possible to resent your ex-partner without hating on disabled people, All in all, it depends whether you're talking about actual narcissists or people who behave in a narcissistic way, for people with NPD it's not possible to "fix" and is incredibly difficult to make any meaningful difference, even through therapy. Of those I have met or known who've actually sought out help for their condition, the ones who manage to stick with it have to hold themselves back from even taking pride in anything they do as that can snowball their symptoms, and even then I can see it's like living in a straight jacket trying to mask their narcissistic traits.

I am watching for the third time!! Good knowledge delivered softly, as needed when revisiting painful memories ❤

Oh Jimmy… I need a hug. Thank you for understanding this pain. ❤

Much love for your empathetic and wiseness and logic and practicality on the subject. ❤❤ Thanks for providing a wiser direction.

I was waiting for this video. I love your skits and the way you show the problems of the narcissists. I see a lot of that in myself that I was doing without realizing it. I realized when my ex broke up with me because she didn't love me anymore and when I tried to figure out why, I identified these behaviours that with this channel I can now identify them as me being a narcissist and not really listening to her. But I hated how I am like the villain in the story. It's not like I chose to be like this. It's who I am and my childhood played a big part to being like this and it's not easy to just not be a narcissist. So sometimes I feel there is no hope for me. But this video made me realize that it's a journey to heal or at least limit the bad effects of narcissism behaviour. Even when I don't manage to fully heal, I'll make sure to let know my future partner of these issues so we can help each other. Thank you jimmy for your content

Wow. You explain things so well!!!

Thank you for your wonderful explanation. So much help and good advice. Thank you for your compassion 🙏💚

This is so true and enlightening. I see things so much more clearly now. I wish I had seen this 8 months ago.

Crazy. I was just preparing to start a list of things I need to work on. Thanks for the tip. 😊

0:20 You are awesome Jimmy Thank you so much for identifying the exact issue. I've been working on this for my first 19-year marriage and then on right now 8-year marriage get the nail on the head Thanks so much :-)

I really appreciate your devouring efforts to elevate our self awareness ❤

No coincidence that I am here! When the student is ready, the teacher will appear! I could relate to all you had to share! Your video was knowledgeable, enlightening and imho, so right on! Thank you!!

I remember explaining thinking errors (that we all do myself incuded!!!!) eg. Black and white thinking. My biggy is catastrophising. He interpreted it as criticism and got very cross with me and then made sure he pointed out when I engaged in the same. This reaction was the polar opposite of what I intended in sharing this with him. I went round in the same circular nonsense for years. (It was hard to leave on a practical level. Plus I loved him). Took me a long time to realise. I left in the end. If anyone manages to help their narcissist to do some work on themselves I congratulate you.

10:47 - This! Great feedback. Yes. Stop putting power back in their court. Yes, “narcissist” may not be the best word. “Deceivers” sounds more appropriate. Because they deceive everyone including themselves.

"The good days don't matter, you can't control them into connection" 😢

I just found your video about narcissism and it's eye-opening. Currently, I am healing from emotional abuse and neglect from narcs, I am an empath

Thank you soooooooooo much Jimmy!❤

Thank you Jimmy, for both the validation and the accountability

Thank you for this video. Thank you Jimmy

I’m not in a relationship but your video was so great that I had to watch it. Please continue with your awesome videos and have a good day!! :)

My ex used to say he is a better version of himself now after he had been dumped by his wife. He even said that I wouldnt have liked him if I had met him in his 30ths. Now, this kind of self-reflection was why I stayed almost 6 years with him. Unfortunatley the last year he slowly returned to his former version ... and he was right: i didn't like him so I am convinced there is no constant change of charakter possible. Only of behaviour.

You must understand that narcissist process as a child. They cannot understand adult concepts. At the age their development was arrested due to the abuse that sat them up to become a narcissist, that is their mental age. You are not dealing with an adult. You are dealing with a hurt child. This is a concept you must be aware of to not further complicate the relationship and cause infinite frustration for both partners. Applying adult therapy to a child does not work.

This has been so helpful thank you! I am at the beginning of a separation. You have confirmed that what I’m doing is the right thing to do. Thank you! 🙏

I think it’s actually dangerous to tell someone a narcissist will/can change because individuals can get stuck in these kind of relationships in the hope the narcissist will change. I saw my mum enduring a lot of suffering at the hands of my dad who was a violent narcissist. I am 53 I have dealt with plenty of narcissistic people ( I seem to be a magnet for them) and I never met one that wanted to change. In fact what I have seen they do get worse as they age. Sadly some of these people have perfected the art of being evil with the years.

Thank You! You do great work!

`Jimmy I think in reality, narcs not of them will Not change. They need heavy duty counseling from a counselor/therapist who is trained in narcissism. Most are not. I've been married to a narc for 32 yrs and went to 3 counselors. None of them ever caught his narcissism no matter what I said. I tried leaving him 4 times, this is my 5th. I'm leaving come hell or high water. I'm done!!!! Now he is so nice and so willing to work on the relationship. To late, I'm done, I'm out of here. Being vulnerable with a narc is like handing a pyromaniac gas and matches. To the narc its show time! Very, very few narcs recover.

So powerful and I live this perspective

Excellent advice. I just subscribed. Thanks for sharing!

Would love to see a video on ASD/ ND narcissists. Im aware ASD is often confused for narcissism, but it would be good to see the signs that aren't overlap♡

Thank you so much, really needed this

You enlighten me thank you so much you save me ! You clear everything in my mind ..the word that stick on me no one will save me I need to save me I often feel guilty because he wants to come back while thinking my life will be in danger makes realize this kind of relationship wasn't for me .he been try to kill me but the bond that's keeps me😢 to him ..I pray to God cut all the cord that binds me to him

The take away, for me, is to learn to spot the toxic traits before becoming involved but if already involved get help on setting healthy boundaries.

Completely off topic but seeing people shorten narcissist to narc in the comments has me rolling with laughter bc where I am, narc means someone who snitches on people breaking the law and the only image in my head now is someone with NPD completely unphased by the threats made due to their emotional disconnect and just ratting *everyone* out who annoys them

I agree that the Layperson's idea of what a narcissist is versus a diagnosed narcissist. A laymen's narcissist can change. A clinical diagnosed narcissist is unlikely

I am so grateful for this.

You know, a lot of these problems actually fall within the realms of an autistic, high functioning, individual who will struggle with mind blindness, empathy, deficits, and stuff like this at times although it’s a lot different than a narcissist but it’s very similar in a lot of aspects because most people can’t differentiate between the two differences of these issues the reasons for why and how, and what’s the difference a lot of autistic individuals end up getting considered narcissistic when in reality, they are lacking certain aspects that are not necessarily capable of growing in neurodivergent type of mindset, which you have to approach them in a very different way, the same as you have to approach a narcissist in a different way. They’re not similar in those aspects of approach, but they are similar and aspects on how people might find them a little cold or different I would like to see a video on this topic and I know this would be an extremely hard topic to do because you are not autistic very clearly by your understanding of emotions and feelings in the concepts in which people express themselves, but I would still like to see you do a video on this. It would be a very interesting topic because you’re missing a whole Nother group of individuals that simply want to be understood, like I know I have low empathy but I have high cognitive empathy and I am learning all the different aspects of empathy for years all because I genuinely love my partner, but it’s not something that’s naturally given from birth. It’s something you grow from an autistic person standpoint I would like to see a video on this. I don’t know if you’d be capable of doing it, or willing to even put yourself in a risky situation of trying to explain something that is so differently explained by so many different people, which, if I must be honest, most of the people out there, who do this type of stuff They don’t really describe autism in the correct manner, but there is many different variations of it so abroad, simple topic on the subject and how to handle and deal with someone who might be on the autism spectrum and trying to understand that they do actually feel they just don’t know what they’re feeling in that moment and they take time and a lot of people don’t have patience for those types of individuals or the empathy and understanding of compassion to be able to handle

Jimmy ! Your presentation on the victims& behaviors of narcissistic abuse ,of which I am one of them,IZ the BEST I have ever heard ,bar none ! Your delivery / cadence compassion & empathy makes for easy understanding for application of core principals for surviving this malstrom " Get busy living in , Or get busy dying " Red . ' SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION ' Thank you so much. Sincerely Yours; Joseph'

Learning radical acceptance that they do not want to change is the only thing that can change (within ourselves). If they don’t put in the work in most other areas of their life, in most probability they won’t have the desire to put that energy into you or making anything better. If they can afford someone’s loyalty, that’s good enough for them.

It’s time for me to leave, and I don’t feel like I have anyone here for me

Before even watching the video I'd say the answer is no... I'm no expert but I realized a long time ago that unfortunately I married one, but of course, he will never admit it, which I think would be the first step, and not only that, he's gotten much worse over time 😬... anyway, love your content 👍

I was in the fog of confusion, hope and projecting my schemas regarding love that was never there for 30 years of marriage. At my age in my new journey, I only pray the emotional damage I’ve suffered hasn’t stained my heart and mind forever. I’m scared to find out. 😢

This was great, thank you ❤

Thank you Jimmy this was awesome, exactly what I needed to hear, all the ins and outs, both sides good and bad. No complete answers because every situation is different but really helpful to be advised to see a counsellor on your own first. It would be helpful to hear this video without the narcissist slant so it could be shared with someone who has those traits because it would immediately instigate feelings of blame rather than have a progressive goal ❤

Thank you so much for your videos 🙏🏻

I have been watching your videos for a few weeks and finally got the clarity to ask for a divorce. First i asked for what i needed (attention, validation and all the other things you mentioned).

Walking away was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. 😢

This is great. Spot on. ❤

I have learned is never about asking if someone else can change, but HOW CAN I CHANGE. that is the only way one I will bring peace, well-being and healing to my life.

Thank you for this video.

Facto NON Verba ....When actions consistently don't allign with words ...its 💯 time to leave and NEVER look back

It has been a one way relationship. I believe he may be a covert narcissist. Everything you said resonates with my situation. He took every advantage & loved bombed in the beginning to make me think he was “the one”. I went all in and didn’t notice he was taking advantage of my caring for him. Never once did he give me a gift. Not for birthday or Christmas or the one year we were together on Valentines Day. Totally neglectful to my need for even being acknowledged. This wasn’t even close to love yet I hung in there hoping to fix what was broken. I am a shell of what I once was. I do have some very grounded and wise Christian friends. Now I am trying to move on to start over.

Thank you for this. ❤

This was really well communicated. As a followup, In the description could you provide a link to the study you reference about sickness based on partner speak? References can provide an important foundation to your words and give them validity outside of subjective feels. Especially since this can be a risky topic. I imagine someone leaving their partner who is a narcicist could potentially be dangerous. If they're looking to youtube for help and find your video as an isolated incident it might also be helpful to put links or steps in the description for next steps on receiving help. Especially since they have probably also been isolated from any community.

I loved my narc ex more than I loved any woman romantically in my life. I had to walk away for my own sanity. After the love bombing phase, she repeatedly devalued me and discarded me multiple times. I couldn’t beg her to have me back anymore. If I stayed any longer, I’d have had a nervous breakdown. And she would have figuratively kicked me while I was down. I left, and she accused me of throwing her in the garbage, even when she was the one who broke up with me! I would hope my departure would inspire her to self reflect but at the very least, the constant presence of her adult kids will undoubtedly give her constant supply, so I’m not holding my breath for her to take a good look at herself.

Inquiring minds want to know!!! Let’s do this Jimmy!!

The narcissist in my life, is my mother. I cut her off almost a year ago. The way you have worded it, made me realize she will never change. Made me realize that all the blame is on me. My aunt's and uncles and mother all want ME to change, and be in contact with her again. They want me to push things aside, and invalidate me, simply because she is my mother...I cut contact because of how she was treating my kids, especially my oldest. I have maintained no contact, for myself as well. After I cut contact for them, I realized how much I deserved that peace as well.

And if you're looking at a 60+ yr commitment then separating for a year or three... that's a drop in the bucket to be better people for a chance to come back together. "Put your own self worth on to save yourself before you can help someone else put on their self worth

Thank you Jimmy❤