How to Avoid the Narcissist's Trap! 

Being married to a covert narcissist is a private hell like no other. People outside the marriage cannot even fathom what we experience. This is not just “marriage is hard” that I was told for almost 30 years. There is literally no way to explain this form of abuse to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. The only way to heal is to get out. This video is one of the best concise explanations I’ve seen. Everything is spot on. Watch out Christian women. We are taught to be exactly who the narc wants. The Christian church is a perfect place for these wolves to hide. Trust me.

I know many many many people like this. People will be absolutely shocked at how they really are when others aren’t watching

My ex had enough self awareness to be afraid others would think he abused me when we were together. Then I left him. Soon after came the self-centered website about his good deeds for everyone to see. Feeding the homeless, starting a benefit for children’s cancer, pictures of him being surrounded by orphans that he paid to send to school. Yep, one way in public - the complete opposite in private.

Truth

My mother was always extremely careful to only scream at me in private or in front of my father. It took years for it to finally happen with my spouse as a witness.

RIGHT

@LeMiao: Agreed

Exactly. Well said.

Word

Bars bars barsss!!!!

That body response of panic and fear over a "simple" conversation of me setting boundaries really surprised me and I still didn't understand it...until this part of the video, 19:39. Thank you for that clarification!

yea that was a good one but the whole segment was important (with the context). Which would also be one of my biggest complaints about this video and any other: "true narcissists"

@@Dawnarow what? what? whhhhaaattt??? I do not think we are not making cognitive leap here decoding your comment above in relation to the mic drop comment.

💯

😢 true

When I started realizing the problems I was having were only ones my sister had with me, I was able to start imagining a future in which I was not anyone's problem. Breakthrough! I don't fault myself for the decades I saw myself through that lens. Earliest memories in my childhood I was the little train that couldn't, lucky to have a "caring" family willing to put up with me inadequate me. Wow!

Yes! It's that thing about j being joyful or happy. They can't share in that love and excitement, have to beat you down til you feel miserable, then grateful to feel a little better...

It became clockwork for me where when it was about that time, I can sense it’s about to happen again. I start to get PTSD and boom. Out of no where. The whole thing resets. It was every few weeks.

Yes!!!Every 3-4 days ! He explodes for any reason .as if his mask could not hold more time . Why !?

You’ve just literally explained my entire marriage with my husband for the last 34 years. Exact! I use to be so fun loving and full of life. I’ve lost all of my zest for life. I feel robbed of “me”. I have developed over the years horrible fears, anxiety and depression because I could never cope but always tried. I have been in survival mode for so long. I don’t even know how to live normally anymore. I want to leave him so much but I’m so full of fear as to how to financially afford it. He has been so controlling that I don’t even know how to do anything for myself anymore. I feel like I’m drowning everyday and don’t know how to save myself. Going to be 60 years old and I’m so ashamed that I stayed. I want to have some kind of happiness before I die. I’m so scared!

You perfectly described my ex as wel. Block him otherwise he will weasel his way back in.

If you are financially able it is best to value yourself & the universe will send someone kind to you. Just go slow so you can vet that they aren’t another narcissist bc we seem to attract them over and over! You are SO strong & brave. You are SO valued and respected by the universe. You deserve all positive treatment. If possible I highly recommend therapy or self help books to break the cycle of new behaviors etc you have learned as coping mechanisms so next relationship has less baggage. After 25 yrs with my second husband I recently began to be self aware what I project on him & change some of my behaviors. Like often asking “are you mad at me?” So I can prepare and not have it dropped on me Ike a bomb. Even though he doesn’t display any narcissistic traits I keep on guard from past abuse. All my love & positive energies to you!

I *f i n a l l y decided six days ago to finally walk away from a man who ultimately made me feel sad. Due to childhood and past trauma, he had fearful avoidant attachment style and I finally realized he was a covert narcissist. When you truly love someoneyou want to help them but in the end it’s also important to know when to walk away or they only end up dragging you down. Loving someone should never require you to lose your own sense of self-worth or happiness. The last straw was he forgot my birthday and when I finally admitted to him that it hurt my feelings, he shut down and didn’t even reply. I realized everything would always be about HIM, HIS feelings, his fears, his fragile ego. No one should put up with this. There’s no way to have a happy, balanced relationship with a partner like this. The sad thing is, I know he really DID love me. And I loved him, too. That is what is heartbreaking. But his feelings/words and his actions never aligned. And I came to the sad realization he was incapable of seeing how selfish his actions and choices were. Everyone can heal and change…but they have to WANT it and put in the hard work. Not everyone is capable of that. I don’t feel anger towards him. But I wish I had never met him and lost 13 months of my life with him that I can never get back.

@@thakurpriyankarana if you are the one who broke it off, there is prob a 100% chance that they will come back. (unless they have found another supply). So it's super important to 100% ignore. If you get a text - don't respond, not even to say "leave me alone". Just ignore the text. If you get a call, don't answer if you recognize his number. If you don't recognize the number and it turns out to be him, don't engage. If he shows up where you live, don't open the door. Don't talk to him through the door. As I saw in another youtube video. If the narc can't make you love him, he'd just be just as happy to make you hate him. So be boring and he will move on.

Yepp. My husband may have thought this way without even realizing it, now he's kicking himself because I'm half his age and turned out to be smarter than I ever should have been, honestly.. I see everything now and he can't stand it, I'm also too strong now and that doesn't benefit him= more tantrums and withdraw

No wonder startups and corporates love hiring young people

I, sadly, am the opposite. My fiance, and mother of my only child, is 11 years younger than I am, and shes the narcissist. Ive spent 5 years trying to help her grow, encourage positive change and self improvement, only to have her leave me 3 seperate times after crying my eyes out and telling her I feel like there's no room for my emotions in our relationship. And worse is being smart enough to see all the red flags, but feeling like shes actually my soulmate.. I can predict her words, I can feel her emotions even across the phone, I can accurately tell her exactly what shes feeling, tell her what the outcome of her actions will be, and I full-well know that this will sound absolutely self absorbed and nutso, but I can actually predict the future with her. All of that is so ephemeral, and supernatural, and theres no words to describe how sure I am I was supposed to be with her. But everything is a fight. Theres no accountability. Its always my fault. My therapist recently told me that based off everything I told her, I was being 'reactively abusive' for years, and despite her trying to calm me down and reassure me that it being reactive means its normally uncharacteristic behavior, I could only latch on to me being abusive *at all*. Ive spent 5 years not setting healthy boundaries and becoming co-dependant on someone who Im not fully convinced loves herself anymore. So please, if you respect yourselves, please dont do what I did. You are a wonderful person, if youre reading this, and you deserve someone who helps your spirit soar instead of casting it down to the earth.

​@@BatshtPassionate I hope this is true it brings me joy and make me laugh.

​@@TraehderettahSOmg unreal, poor you.

And they’re concentrated in the single population. Healthy individuals are usually in healthy relationships.

​@@teachertraceeMany of the narcissists I know are in long term marriages. Either their partner is oblivious or else not prepared to go through divorce after 30 years.

and it is stil - probably - a very low number, given how they are rarely formally diagnosed since they never think they are the problem so they dont seek mental health professionals, I shiver thinking how big the number could actually be

Truly frightening. They're too smart.

​@@Shweta_beewhat makes them too smart?

Spot on, run as fast as you can.

They are under diagnosed b/c they do not seek treatment.

Same. I've always thought that same sentiment. I 100% don't think it's over used. Tons are narcissists, but, few are getting a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis from a licensed medical professional.

They don't seek treatment because NoThInG iS wRoNg WiTh ThEm. (🤮) According to professionals, they have a DISORDER if they realize something they're doing is having a negative impact on their lives. You can ABSOLUTELY be a narcissist without having a disorder because you can do all the horrible things without them and/or you believing those horrible things are having a negative impact on your life. This guy is flat wrong, respectfully. And we absolutely can be calling people narcissists because that doesn't mean they have a disorder.

I would say 20% or more are narcissists

Lundy Bancroft goes over the entire playbook in Why Does He Do That? If anyone is interested. I love that book, super helpful ❤ oh and its free to read online too

NPD don't *value* anyone's separateness, wants or needs.

Wow. Pray for her ❤️🙏

❤

She is very happy now in heaven. May she R.I.P. I have gone through the same thing but thank God I learned it was not me. The happiest day of my life will be when I leave this nasty world.

And it never ends! Constant chipping away at your self-esteem under the guise of joking.

I told him I am uptight about his stupid jokes and walked away from him.

Exactly!

I'm not laughing at you babe I'm laughing with you I finally shut that one down by answering its impossible to be laughing with me you pr!ck because IM NOT LAUGHING of course that only gave me small comfort the only thing that really worked was running for my life

Just as nerve wrecking as the other person saying “every joke has a truth in it” when it was just a joke 😂

Me too!😢

So.... have you left?

When you know you know 💯

You are so good!🎉

I knew DURING the honeymoon. God I'm glad that marriage is over. This is why parents need to love and care for their children. So they grow up to choose good partners.

I hope you've found peace. 37 years for me. I've detached, I don't spend more than 5 minutes a day in their presence while I plan my exit. Stay safe.

Grace for them the law and no grace for you

It’s so hard!!!

Yes, this is what makes me feel so unsure for 30 years. 7 of those years I was happy. I need someone to watch when we are together to see if he is or not. He can be so lovelyy, kind and thoughtful. Yet he doesn't want to do anything with me and has sabotaged relationships, we don't socialise yet he loves being loved by everyone? He always wants to take the credit for everything. I do call him out though. Universe give me strength to see the truth. I don't think I can tell anyone as they wouldn't believe me.

​@@jenniferrbh8252in the end the only opinion that matters is yours. I have been there, and it is isolating when no one understands. You will find others who have been through the same experience

​@@jenniferrbh8252No, people will not believe you. Narcs are MASTERS OF MANIPULATION. They know how to manipulate other people with their flattery. I never realized how insecure most people are to fall for all that false flattery.

It is amazing when that puzzle piece clicks in and you can finally see the true picture. My Mother is covert narc. So much damage. So much shame -- for just existing. 😢 Free now but wow...

I had someone say to me "does the label really matter? Look at their actions, whether they're a narcissist, Cluster B, or just an assh*le, they're still toxic and abusive"

​@@danyellemilligan690exactly dont waste time trying to label the toxin just get away from it

My story is the same. I have left an abusive narcissistic 32 year marriage. I felt confused and anxious all of the time. Then, I had health problems. One horrible day, I curled up in a fetal position and cried out to God, for help. When I awakened, my computer was turned on and the subject matter was covert narcissism. I had never heard of it. As I read it, I cried. It was reassuring to know, that I wasn’t crazy. There was a problem.

Have you heard of grey rocking A podcast a couple gives examples of how to deal with this it is excellent also

Feel you.

Same

Yeaa I won’t deal with dishonesty, especially at that level and also being in a marriage while not being in a marriage. As you said, it’s a hard life and no where, incl the Bible, does it purport to withstand that.

@@Lee345Jeamen and I lost everything but so worth it!

Thank God for those types who move on if you're not submissive. I've met the types that will do anything to bully me into submission.

Yes me too. I actually tend to frame it more as a power dynamic. I’ve asserted myself plenty of times to no avail or to only escalate the abuse.. Looking back, it’s important to assess the power dynamic. If they clearly have alot more power & have power over you. The best thing is to pretend to be submissive, while you quietly work on getting the hell away from them.

@@annastone5624precisely how I finally got out.

My husband hasn’t moved on. I’m not submissive and call him out but he drains me running in circles

@@kellycarter6940well if you are married, you’re beyond the initial relationship phase. I guess it’s those early stages where they might decide it’s not worth the effort. But Control is a form of dominance, control can be exerted in a variety of ways including covertly

Thank you so very much for your comment! It is exactly what I need to do after 42 years of being broken. I’m so thankful for messages like this. ❤

@@shereemcmahon2285 thank you for taking time reading my words, I am in glad if ot was even a little bit helpful. English is not my native language,so I apologize in advance if something I may say sounds not correct or incorrect in manners. It has been a month since my previous comment. My ex partner tried to contact me, but I have gray rocked him.Just answer politely but unemotionally, it worked. The idea of him coming back for dévotion, admiration, sex or whatever he was milking from me used to make me anxious. Now I know I simply have to Not engage, be blind and deaf like Ulisses with the mermaids. I am doing fine,making new friends,visiting beautiful places, earning good money because I am more focused, being healthy because I make time to take care of myself. I hope you will find peace and serenity, I promise you it is possible. Start with small things. Buy yourself a plant and keep it alive, my grandma said it is a good way to take care of ourselves :-) Blessing and hugs from Italy. If you feel like,let us know how you are doing.

Bam! Right on.

It so hard to not link for that underlying agenda isn't it but with therapy and time I finally found someone who just wants to love me and be loved its still hard not to ovetthink every word he says but he knows of my past and.....glory be....he wants to help me heal just take your time, heal love will find you. You are not crazy you are strong you can make it on your own you are not alone there are many many of us on this boat. ❤🎉

An "actual" doctor probably struck a cord lol

My ex husband wouldn't let me go to the doctor alone because he was afraid I'd tell them he was abusing me or that they would see the damage he'd inflicted on me. Never let a man tell you that you can't see a doctor. You can go without telling him. You don't need his permission.

Similar story. My life had too many narcissists. I’m moving on, creating boundaries whenever I can. 😊

Sorry to hear that. Growing up with them sets you up for future narcs bc it feels 'normal'. 😢 Deeply grateful for the knowledge that sets us free. ❤

Divorce!

Having been through the love bombing phase too, can see it for what it is. Pretend! But back then to my wounded child parts the lure of a narc’s attention seemed real and desirable. Healing helps see the hooks they/ we/I use. ❤

Denial is choice too

My husband sounds exactly the same as you described yours. I left mine 5 months ago after 37 years of marriage. I found out that most narcissists are unaware of their narcissism and that's why most of them never get diagnosed because it's always everyone else's fault and never their problem. They are unaware of their behaviour and how it hurts others. I discovered that my husband is probably a middle mid range narcissist and that type is unaware it's only the higher greater narcs that are fully aware of themselves and what their horrible behaviour does to others.

You are a kind person. You give people the benefit of the doubt. But does it matter why? What really matters is how they treat you not why this mistreat you.

I have been practicing for 4 decades. Your understanding is perfect. More often, it is an instinctive reaction; they are blind and lacking self awareness; constantly striving to fill a void.

This is a refreshing perspective. Narcissists want a companion in their suffering. You don’t have to accompany them. That’s the choice.

Take some time, grab water and tea. Watch some good movie or show clear things off.

I'm 8 years single after marriage to a narcissist. I'm so afraid to choose badly again.

Me too! I never married him thank god (rip next victim because I’m willing to bet he’ll marry them pretty fast so it’s harder to leave). I do not want another relationship, and I’m certainly not ready for one. But I’d love to actually feel loved for once. To have a relationship where someone doesn’t look me in the face and tell me “if you died, I’d only wait about a month to start sleeping around again.” And then when I got upset he would say “what, were you expecting me to just stay sad the rest of my life?” 7 years of hell. He was so sweet when we met (in high school) and I was struggling badly with my mental health. I was a cutter for years. He asked me out 3 years into our friendship and I felt like he was a safe, funny, respectful guy. I said yes. The red flags showed up pretty soon. Staring at other girls while we were on dates together, bad friends (drugs/alcohol), an abusive father and a mother who abandoned him for drugs but would come around when she needed money. I tried to feel secure but he was always flirting with other girls and I would catch him talking to them. It spiraled my mental health even further and I relapsed. But he was so kind, he listened to me, watched my stupid shows with me. Did a ton with me. Then the abuse started happening. He would hold me down during fights and yell at me. He’d abuse my cat. But he’d turn around and tell me because I was so stressful, it was my fault. I believed him for a very long time. I felt guilty for cutting. I cut because I felt like I deserved it. If I felt like I let someone down, I’d hurt myself. I was a cutter before we met, during our entire friendship, and was one when he asked me out and he knew this. I told him “you know I was diagnosed with borderline pd, mdd, and anxiety right?”. He knew I had major trust issues, he knew I had a severe fear of abandonment. He knew I had no self-esteem and crippling self-worth issues. But he would turn around and do things that would trigger my abandonment fears (he cheated for years, openly or secretly and I’d find hidden accounts). He looked me in the face for years and told me “if I was cheating you’d never find out”. Of course if he comes home and tells me that he got a girls number but not to worry that would make me upset. But if I got upset he would tell me “wow, your so sensitive. If you’re so unhappy then leave. You’re the reason I treat you bad. You over react. You’re crazy. It was just a joke. Wow, you can’t take a single joke can you.” Etc. etc. He r*ped me, tortured my pets, and cheated while I was pregnant with our child. He pushed and pushed me, then when I finally exploded. He would sit back and just act so calm and cold. He’d stonewall me. Tell me I’m insane and no one else would love me. I’d then cry and beg for him to please forgive me. Finally he would start being a bit kinder for a day or two. Then he would start being shady and saying nasty, perverted jokes, and telling me about all the girls he’d sleep with that we knew. He always pushed me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with. If I refused then it was just a joke, sometimes he wouldn’t listen to me if I said no or fought back. I wasn’t perfect. But I haven’t cut for the last 3 years. I tried so hard to not react. I really tried my best. I truly believed if I could just be prettier, if I could loose weight, if I could be the cool girlfriend who let him do whatever he wanted, I’d I let him sexually degrade me, then he’d love me and start being nice again. I took my cat and our toddler and left. I had to call the police. He confessed and is facing 5 felonies. I haven’t felt like I have BPD since then. I haven’t felt hopeless. I don’t have wild mood swings. I’m in therapy and my therapist says I’d have to be rediagnosed with BPD and so far she doesn’t think I qualify for it! Now it’s just the abandonment issues that is our only concern! The other thing I need to work on is accepting I was abused. It’s like I’m brainwashed. I read my journals and Reddit posts on all he said and did to me, I read all the replies telling me I was severely abused and r*ped. But it’s hard to accept that it happened and that I did not deserve it. I had really bad memory problems. I think I lived in a fog or dissociation of some kind for so long that I have problems even remembering things. I opened up to my therapist that I felt like I didn’t have the right to call what he did to me, how he abused me, abuse because he never hit or cursed at me. Edit: he would whistle or make that noise you do at cats to call for me. When I’d answer him, he’d laugh. He always told his friends when he did this in front of them, “see, you just have to learn how to train your women like I did mine.” It would make me feel so little.

@@littlepip4014:( I’m so sorry. Sending you all the healing and I’m so so so proud of you for getting away.

​@@Mmmmkaaay Sam Vaknin's videos will help you.

Good for you. It’s easy to look at the flip side and not have empathy for every party. You also deserve dignity and fair treatment and your desire to be better is so admirable and good.

@tenniey... Great to hear!

@sarita... I fully agree 👍

You do not need to control other people in order to be loved. Make this your mantra or sth. Remember that!!

maybe you are not a narcissist because it is almost impossible for a narcissist to feel that he is narcissistic, they build their false self since childhood as a self-defense mechanism, so it is impossible for them to destroy their self-defense (false self = their narcissistic personality)

Coverts are the worst! I miss the grandiose one bc he was so stuck on himself that it was humorous at times. Coverts will mind-screw you into oblivion. 😢

So glad you have a counsellor that actually gets and has knowledge of narcissistic people.

And then after all that chaos they sleep like a baby.

I couldn’t agree more….maybe even as high as 15% in USA

I don’t agree it’s sad. It’s a frequency that exists and that we came across personally to heal. I 💯 take responsibility for healing what attracted me to them. ❤

Agreed! Check out dr Sam Vaknin too.

Agreed!!

I thought so too!!!!!!

💯

😢

Praying to be discarded.

The discard is the biggest compliment!

I am thinking that too. If you are discarded by them, believe me, you are a fortunate. But it’s rare, Unless they get their another supply.

If my narcissist ex boyfriend didn't discard me I don't think I would have had the strength to leave him.

Yes unfortunately we will often allow ourselves to be in a relationship with someone who recreates our dysfunctional childhood chaos.

Don't be hard on yourself. There is trauma bond involved. This requires work to break.

I'm sorry you suffered that trauma and abuse. I hope you are doing better now, physically and mentally. You are absolutely worthy of being treated better, worthy of unconditional love, and you deserve to be reminded of that as often as you need to hear it ❤ Therapy / counseling can be helpful, if your insurance covers it.

You deserve better. You deserve better from yourself too. You are the one able to truly love yourself and not let others define you. Keep your locus of control internally focused not externally.

@mattrogers6646 thank you. I am making daily progress with God's help.

@KJ-lb4tj I have been working on that. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself, so we must love ourselves to do that. As I am finding myself, I am liking what I find for the most-part.

Were there any red flags while you were dating that you can see now?

There were a few points of skepticism, but nothing that stood out as a red flag.

@@rrobinson1776 sorry you went through that. I did as well. Some people are really good liars even to themselves which makes it hard to spot bc they fully feel justified. We have to test people to know the truth. Trust has to be earned.

Yep I had that said to me by my Dear Narc mother," you make your bed you lay in it" when I married a covert Narc and put up with his crap for way too long and I finally had enough and got the balls to leave and divorce him, I doubt I will ever marry again, you just don't know what your in until its too late sometimes. I'm sad to say I have many regrets about my past, biggest one was marry him!!😢 but at least now im free and enjoying that way. Keep safe out there. X

Listen...this video described my life for the past 3 years. Almost had me in tears. Video is depressing and comforting at the same time.

They impact you health in determental ways, they feel good if they can destroy you.

did you always get told, "24 yrs is a lot to waste, it's worth working through it" ? I have hit my limit, and that's what I get told.

I wanted to leave him a long time ago but it was impossible for many reasons. Sometimes you stay bc you don't have any other options. Basically you are trapped.

Going through the same atm, after 17 yrs.

Same...after 20 years. It just hit me and its so bloody obvious, HOW did I not see it ?

You stay single till you find that person even if it means staying single for the rest of your life.

@@SamStone1964 👍🥰

☝️ Sounds like you're trying to gaslight us. Hmm... 🤔

So agree with what you say. I have found it very difficult to face what it is in me that saw every red flag, and understood each one (mostly passive aggressive behaviour) yet stayed in the relationship. Abandoning him was the issue... I dreamed of rejecting someone who wanted me and how difficult it was

Yes this!!! In my experience a lot more dangerous and taxing to my mental health because supposedly “I’m free now”.

an effective way is to not interact with the narc. Surround yourself with friends who either have no connections with the narc or respect to not talk about you to the narc. Even better, don't post anything in social media under your name for the narc to follow for some months so they get bored and move on

This means so much!