As an unfaithful partner and female, this viewpoint almost makes it sound 'ok' or you a get free pass because of these life factors. I disagree wholeheartedly.. everyone has a life story or perhaps has had trauma or other life struggles as we evolved. I have certainly had mine. It certainly doesn't warrant blatant hurt and trauma being dished up to your husband in any way shape or form. We all have choices.
I was the unfaithful spouse, and I do not believe in any justification for my actions!!! I do believe life events influenced the choices I made, but it's not justification. I betrayed my spouse because I couldn't woman up and tell him how unhappy I was. I should have never tried to find happiness somewhere else, in the end it has left us both damaged beyond repair. The hate for myself is non stop and the shame feels like a death sentence. Ladies do not try to justify your actions, own up to your mistakes and my God fix them!!! Delete Facebook, Snapchat is a den for sins, don't leave any avenue open for cheating!! Change your whole life and win that amazing man back!!!
Wow you are actually really sorry of what you did. Sad for you, that you lost the love of your life like that. But great to see you are not making any excuses for your sins. Yeah cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice. It's also not easy to cheat, but very hard to kick it off, once you cheated.
Thank you for your thoughts and words, I believe what you said about the cheating spouse needs to go to the spouse and be honest...Say I am so unhapppy, etc and tell them you are tempted
My wife not only habitually cheated but she did it with people that were close to my family including my children’s friends fathers, little league coaches and even someone I thought was my best friend. I’m old fashion and got married for life unfortunately her unquenchable desire to feel that new relationship buzz it turned into an addiction for affairs. In the end there was no way out and her inner guilt made her turn what could have been an amicable divorce into a nasty battle where she brainwashed my children against me and she was the one that cheated. It really damaged my ability to ever trust women in general. I’ve been alone for over 7 years.
Women and men stray for any number of reasons. Emotional or physical neglect, depression, disdain for the marriage partner, no conversation, lack of respect, no intimacy etc. Accepting the reasons are the beginning of healing but it DOES NOT in any way ever make cheating okay! Infidelity destroys lives. Period.
I was cheated on by my first wife - the affair I could understand and I accepted some responsibility because I was suffering depression at the time - it was an awful marriage. However, the reason i decided to leave was less to do with the affair and more to do with the fact that she would manipulate me to do the things she wanted to do or she would go to her lover, a fellow teacher at the school in which she taught. I have never seen such heartless manipulation. I left !!!! She married several times again.....
None of her affair was your fault. She had other options but she chose to cheat. You’re not responsible for someone else’s decision to become a dishonest person.
It seems we could all have 'justifications' and they'd all fall into a limited number of classifications. But, the 'reason' boils down to the fact that one partner, male or female ignores the vows they've taken and have looked for intimacy, whether sexual or not, outside of a marriage. One marriage partner very likely has embraced the vows and the other has discarded them.
Im the betrayed and when we first went to counciling everyone thought bcause of my childhood and how my husband treated me that should have had an affair. Every thing said here i could have used to act out. It didnt even cross my mind. Now even as my husband has gotten worse after being caught its still not an option to have an affair. It's all choices about who you want to be? Who you want to be remembered as? Just because you are lonely, or treated poorly, lose of love doesn't give any reason to play the field. I didnt get help or counciling to understand you are hurting people with your actions. I didnt want to be the monster of my past rape, molestation or even my family's anger and adultery. I more over don't want to be known as the person who broke the family for sex or feelings. Your past should influence you to be a better person not and excuse to become what hurt you.
My wife of 23 years recently had an short affair she says because of childhood trauma she never dealt with. I understand the “escape” as she called it but it doesn’t hurt any less. We are working on it but it is not easy. Every day is a struggle
@@granthoover9045 it isnt a cop out because it doesnt absolve her of responsibility. Understanding childhood trauma will just help her move past it and correct the behavior
Somehow, it's always the man's fault that she did it, or some other lame excuse. When men do it, we're just dogs and no-good heartbreakers always chasing tail. Women typically are allowed to have an excuse; men aren't. Sounds like a double standard to me
Definitely not my best emotional response to a video. Wondering how in the hell my efforts and vocal efforts weren’t enough to keep her loyal and I was doing everything possible to be all anyone would dream of. What do you have to do for cheating to be viewed at badly enough by your spouse for them to stay loyal and not sacrifice life as we know it for their own selfish gains? He was married w kids too and they still work together. Every day is a challenge over 13 months out from d day and denial seems to be the most common interaction we can have about it. Best for me to just pretend it didn’t happen since that what it comes down to. I can send videos or share them trying to help even never to hear a word about it and no I’m not filling her box up to make her do it. If she wanted help or to help us she would do it on her damn own
Idk if this is gonna help at all, but several studies have been done and plenty of women who have cheated said they were actually in a happy relationship/marriage. People always think that when someone cheats, especially women, they aren't happy. In a lot of cases that's the cause, but sometimes there isnt a reason at all. They can be perfectly happy, but the thrill of being with someone else overcomes their judgement. I'm sorry that happened to you, especially knowing you were good to her. I have to ask, was she remorseful? Did she make excuses at all? Or was she genuinely sorry?
Kenneth, I just noticed this was 9 months ago. How are you now? I am where you were when you posted this and I can feel your words so deeply now. It is the story of my last year. I hope you are much better place.
@@cliftonjames785 See I don't know how to make peace with this statement you made.I am the betrayed husband 💔..Please tell me that there's more than such a just being that shallow in the sense of a womans mind to do such a thing as cheating or being unfaithful to your husband.My wife can't give me any answers and it drives me insane sometimes when the 1st of every month roles around 😑
Affairs hurt. From experience, Ive never seen 2 people more disconnected than my Ex and I were. Honestly I should have jumped ship but didn’t because of my dear kids. Bad decision because of how they internalized their parents unhealthy relationship. I needed mental health help but didn’t get it consistently. The psychologist I chose didn’t do his job. (hindsight). I regret recommending him to my friends. Folks, be careful out there. Change takes hard work and it’s easy to give up. So do it for yourself first. You deserve it!
Im speaking from the perspective of a woman who used to cheat and now believes in the circumstance of sexual addiction not just through my own betrayal trauma over addiction but through recognizing it as a problem that was in my life before also. Observing how my own sexual addictions were affecting my behaviour really helped in learning about his behavior because of his addiction. This shared journey has in NO WAY REPLACED the therapy needed for being betrayed. Even if you have experience as the unfaithful YOU DO DESERVE peace and resolution through real therapy.
Some women marry rich men, but they dont love them!! They loved the money. They stay in that relationship and they use that rich man's money on men outside their relationship. What do you call those kind of women???. Some married to rich men, and they have affairs with married men outside. What dibyiu call them??
I do have a question and I hope to please get an answer. My husband had an affair with 3 women I knew, however I didn’t know 2 of them before he started his affairs with them. They somewhat got inserted into my life after his affairs started with them. (They all worked out at a gym together, so once I started going after having my babies or to see him of course I would run into them)... well two of these women started coming to me to get their hair done (after they started their affairs with my husband ... I’m a hairstylist) so my question is, is it normal for women who have affairs with married men to want to know their wives? Is it like some sort of stalking method, cover up method, or what? I just don’t understand why they would both do this. To get to know me? Anyways I am wondering if this is normal behavior & seeking some sort of answer. Thank you. Also neither woman knew the other was having an affair with my husband, they only both found out after he confessed and then everyone knew. however they both acted out the same as in acting friendly towards me and inserting their lives into mine.
I think that’s common. I remember when I dated this guy in college some females became extra friendly and interested in me. I thought it was fishy when one added him as a friend on Facebook. Things began to decline shortly after that. I felt like they were involved but couldn’t prove it. I think it’s about making comparison. Lastly, to get information the man maybe withholding...
People seem to have a knee-jerk reaction to always blame the unfaithful 100% and never think any further beyond that. However, if you really want to heal (or simply be a mindful individual), it is worth trying to understand what contributed to the unfaithful having an affair. They are still responsible for their behavior, yes, but if the affair happened because there is no love in the marriage, people are being treated badly, disrespected, ignored in one or more ways, etc, then simply blaming the unfaithful and calling it case closed is a very simple-minded and not very accurate perspective on the whole picture. Again, I'm not saying it's right or "okay" at all, but if a woman has a husband who is angry, neglects her, etc, and then she meets someone who treats her great and she feels good around, you can understand how these sorts of things develop sometimes. It is still "wrong," but it is worth thinking about both for people wanting to prevent infidelity from ever happening and for those looking to recover from infidelity and make things better.
But it's not always the betrayed who wasn't loving. Or maybe the unfaithful spouse has put up her walls and rejects his love. I agree with your premise that there is no love, or at least she "believes" or "feels" there is no love. That doesn't make this the truth. The reality can be they are loved, but are unwilling or unable to accept it. Anger is not bad by itself. If someone is hurtful in their anger, that's another thing. IE, their husband has been approaching her, but she has her walls up. He's mad, frustrated, exasperated because she cannot or will not be open and honest about what she wants or needs. Or even if she doesn't, then just say so. I recall being mad because my attempts to engage my now ex-wife were largely ignored. You know, things like me asking, "Was there ever a time where you felt loved by me? What was I doing then? If not, what is your ideal of what that would look like?" Or when I'd ask to just have an hour a day where it was just the two of us. No TV, no kids, no agenda, just time together like when we were dating. She would just be silent. And I'd get angry because here I was, pouring my heart out and I was just dismissed, ignored. Oh, she might say she would get back to me and we would talk about it. It NEVER happened. You go through years of where someone says they will do something and then they don't do it, it's not unreasonable for the one who hears those empty promises to become angry when another promise is offered, So is anger in general bad, or is there justified anger? Even Jesus got angry outside the temple when dealing with the money changers. I by no means claim to be like Jesus. I am simply demonstrating that anger is a logical response to recurrent broken promises and stonewalling. I simply chose to walk away. I would just say I'm angry or frustrated at going through the same thing again with no real hope of any different outcome and then I'd walk away. Odd thing, when I totally withdrew, no anger, just focused on hobbies and career is when she chose to have her affair. If it was my anger that drove her away (I doubt it) the lack of anger didn't draw her back in. Nope, sometimes, the person is angry because their spouse just kept pushing the buttons, or making promises she wouldn't keep, and so on. Hard to blame him for feeling how he feels. If he's not abusive, then anger isn't the problem. It's a signal that something is wrong. If you make a promise and don't keep it and he's angry, is the problem really his anger?
Personally AR has had great advice for me and my wife. But this video here sounds like women have all these reasons as to why they cheat but men's reasons are their internal failures, not because the wife doesn't pay attention to them, or she's not loving, or she doesn't want to have sex etc etc. I'm confused by this video. Seems like the same rules aren't being applied to both genders.
When you boil it all down, all you get is this: cheaters cheat because THEY ARE SELFISH. Narcissism is the bottom line. Everything else is mere rationalization.
*DISCLAIMER* As many betrayed spouses will attest to, two people can be in a bad marriage and only one will cheat. The betrayed spouse nor the marriage are never at fault for an affair. Before you watch, please understand the reasons mentioned are only the JUSTIFICATIONS of the wayward spouses and not the actual reasons why they had an affair. These do NOT justify an affair. Other choices are ALWAYS readily available.
@Paul Rice yes you can, the betrayed was not part of the decision process to have an affair. The betrayed is a co-contributor to the state of the relationship PRIOR to the affair. However, the responsibility for choosing to cheat is ALWAYS on the one who makes that choice. Finally, cheating is going nuclear in a conventional war. The cheater had the opportunity to take other actions before she chooses to betray her spouse. Once she's betrayed her spouse, that's the largest pole in the tent and must be dealt with first in a fashion that protects her betrayed from further abuse. Stop that trauma and then you can get into what she was missing. It's an important distinction. The betrayed is NEVER responsible for his unfaithful partner's choice to cheat.
