Communication: Learning from the BDSM Community - Esther Perel & Margie Nichols 

BDSM also has a concept of Checking-in during play, and the use of a Safeword if anything gets too much for the submissive to take, to stop the activity or the play. There is also the provision of After-Care, of debriefing at a time after play, a continuation of the idea of Checking-In with that person. So I would add all those concepts to those discussed here (which I agree with) about Communication, Negotiation, Self-Awareness, and Shared Ethics and Respect for the preferences and limits of the Other. (Anne O Nomis, Author of 'The History & Arts of the Dominatrix')

I LOVE consent and consciously exploring sexuality. That's one reason I admire the BDSM community. But consent is a paradox because just because someone said yes, doesn't always mean they genuinely want it. There's the whole idea of grooming and manufacturing consent. Going to war, giving up your freedom of speech or right to bear arms. Most people would say no to those things, but under certain circumstances they will agree (problem-reaction-solution method for manufacturing consent). Not to mention the entire practice of pick-up is based on seduction - getting a person from a no to a yes through charisma, touch, suggestion, etc. And there's a romantic aspect to flirting, sexual tension, arousal, and the mystery of not-knowing what will happen next. The most common argument people have against this fetishization of consent is that it spoils the mating dance and makes sex transactional. I argue that the BDSM style consent methods can actually increase intimacy and create deep authentic relationships. It does require more self awareness and communication skills. Then there's the push for lowering the age of consent. With children being considered capable enough to decide their gender, get reassignment surgery, advocate for strict gun laws or even abolishing the second amendment, we're giving children more and more "power" to influence society. The push to lower the age of consent assumes that children have enough agency that they should be able to decide have sex with an adult if they want to. What if the sex they have is consensual? Pedophiles or sexual predators are known for saying that their victims enjoyed it. And many victims later come out to say they did consent at the time and thought it was fine because that's what the perpetrator told them. Is it appropriate for a 16 year old to consent to sex with a 40 year old? 12 year old? I think this push for consent is an honorable thing, and it certainly does make sexual relationships with mature adults a lot better. But I am aware that other agendas are being "trojan horsed" into the discussion. What does consent actually mean? And what are the consequences for violating consent? I agree to things all the time that I might not genuinely want (like terms of service, or some hidden clause in a contract I signed). Can I later take back my consent if I feel regretful of my decision to sign up for something I wanted at the time but not anymore? Again, I'd like to reiterate what a wonderful asset the BDSM and sex-positive communities have been for my own sexual healing. Learning how to say no, not take a no personally, learn what I genuinely like vs what I don't, boundaries, etc. And with the right person, it certainly doesn't make things any less erotic. As with anything though, liars and manipulators can convince a weak person to consent to their own abuse and trick them into thinking they liked it, so it's important to recognize red flags and to become strong against coercion/manipulation.

The general population needs to learn about consent from the BDSM community. They really have it down.

Wooow!!! That's so powerful! We as women need to start taking responsabilty for our own sexuality, to get to know and own our likes and dislikes, and start talking about it to our partner, no matter how "uncomfortable" it gets! I believe we as women, we've been indocrinated since birth to make people feel comfortable and that's part of the reason why we don't talk about our sexual preferences and needs, but also part of the reason we give in to doing stuff we don't actually want to...

Love how articulate Esther is...

This is an excellent, yet brief discussion of consent. Thank you for sharing it with the world, especially those who are not or just beginning to explore this lifestyle, community.

Excellent conversation. Important topic. Intelligently discussed and analyzed.

Learning about bdsm from people within the community has helped prepare me for relationships I think, and not just sexual and romantic relationships, but relationships in general. Having communication and consent at the forefront of your mind when interacting with people in general ensures much healthier and safer relationships in general.

Consent is a moment by moment experience, communication and responsibility.

This is huge. The best gift I ever gave myself it was time to explore the BDSM community and myself and inner fantasies. I have carried the consent part with me and incorporated into the foundation of every relationship. It is the cornerstone.

There is so much to be learned about consent, thank you Esther for the insigth

I love that you two were here and discussing this. Margie, I am an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist too! Esther, I loved your questions.

Negotiating and coming to an understanding of each other....sounds like a healthy relationship

Thank you, Esther.

As always, loving the enlightenment provided in every one of your videos. Thank you very much for always sharing practical knowledge like the one presented here, putting it into practice has changed my life :) Please, keep up the good work! ❤

Those chairs though!!! I want in my office

Fantastic talk. Even before you rounded up, I was thinking about how important and relevant this the ideas in this talk is in terms of creating a culture of consent in overall terms in society. Major thumps up!

Great conversation and definitely a very important topic. I think it would be also important to remark that consent can be withdrawn at any moment, even during a session and it would be important to extrapolate it to non BDSM interactions.

I love your talks Ester! Always so professional

Thank you Esther, always love your videos.

I liked the video very much as it puts consent central and right up front in the conversation. However prior to this video I had found Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent on youtube to be much more informative and useful. She clearly charts the give-receive dynamic as well as the take-allow dynamic that can be established with consent between adults, of which the latter is more uncommon and requires much more integrity on the doers part and surrender to the pleasure on the person being done to. But in BDSM though there is consent, pleasure is not necessarily the outcome. It is pain or humiliation that is the outcome.

Thank you! This video was so educational for me.

Interesting. Thank you.

Major opportunity for further discussion: how to teach the rest of society about the “less personal” aspect. What does it mean? How is it achieved? Why is it (or not) helpful?

Any more of these videos? Would love to learn more.

You are so smart woman Esther😊

As someone in the BDSM community I agree with her on so many levels BUT the BDSM community is as diverse as humanity itself. There are people who don't like to communicate, people who take advantage of others and disrespect others boundaries. In my opinion this happens at least as often if not more so in the BDSM community. The space attracts sadists and people who love power and putting others down and many of them have no interest in real consent, which of course is a very bad combination. On top of that are the roles in the BDSM community very unevenly distributed, for example there are many more submissive men then dominant women and so women who are not dominant at all come in from the outside and take advantage, financially and otherwise. It's a real issue, even though the culture of consent is known to everyone in the space, but not adapted.

Very interesting topic on consent and communication.

As in general community, BDSM community contains people of all walks of life. Some respect the rules, others not. Consent is not unique to the BDSM community, it's just more prevalent because of the depth of exploration it potentially brings. Bringing BDSM education out releases the taboo around it and uncovers its rules including written consent.

Lovely video!

So smart

So true...

I don't think that consent is really a fetish within the BDSM community, it's more of a necessity. It helps with safety, is considered respectful especially if you are in contact with someone that belongs to another & it helps match u to people who have the same fetishes you do. Since there are so many fetishes & titles, it's possible you might not match with everyone and that's okay, so yes rejection isn't always personalized. However sex/play can be very personal depending on who it's with & what type of dynamic you have. A person who is looking for pick up play is not going to make it personal, but if there is a long term dom/sub or other type of relationships you can bet it's very personal.

This is a good discussion but the rejection example was not good- Esther was presumably talking about a monogamous marriage, not a polyamorous BDSM situation. Rejection from your one and only is a much stickier wicket, particularly if you are in a long dry spell.

2 intelligent women on here. Very different from the new millennium therapists 😂 I find the newer ones are just full of BS.. amateurs craving for attention on social media! Just unhappy ppl on their own!!

Excuse my ignorance what is BDSMC?

Such a sad world we live in.

You need to start debating people with differing viewpoints to put your arguments to the test.

why is this in my recommendation ?... Dnt even know what is BDSM 👾

I would say, not the consent, but the responsibility is the fetish. Consent isn't solid during the act, but the responsibility is. You won't do anything you can't take full responsibility for, both the dom and the sub. But if course there are mishaps.

since it is court findings on consent that carry criminal penalties, better refer to possible convictions occurring despite even recorded consent, rather than just a discussion of some fringe opinions.

Sorry to be naive but what is BDSM community???..

Yes consent is a cornerstone of BDSM. However, there is more to BDSM than sex. There is a whole other part of the dynamic.

1. You do not assume anything about your partner's sexual likes dislikes or mood in that particular moment. 2. I'm not a fan of the idea of consent actually in the moment. In BDSM it's not done in the moment. It' done ahead of time. That is some contradiction.

So I disagree a little. I have asked to kiss someone many times (in the context of a first or 2nd date, at a party or event) It more times they have accepted it and it doesn't ruin the moment.) You can make it sexy, make it fun.

Consent comes with being responsibility.... so no consent is possible

I want to explore fantasy with my partner but she point blank refused. I just wanted to share a erotic fiction I had written. There are always two sides to every story.

It is a Godlessness that scares me.

🧐...LUST Unhinged🧐🤮BDSM is a variety of often erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other related interpersonal dynamics🤮🤑🤢