Compartmentalization and narcissistic relationships 

It is the compartmentalization that helps the narcissist move on so fast after the relationship is over. He puts you in a box and locks it up. Next.

The ability the narcissist has to shut feelings and emotions off is mind blowing especially for the victim. Before I knew he was narcissistic I would say its not normal to shut love on and off, you can disagree and be upset with your loved one but you don't just stop loving them......the problem with narcissists is that they never loved you in the first place, it was all an illusion. I lived in constance confusion and fear.

My wife was the master of maintaining her Street Angel image..loved by all...but when the door closed welcome home the house devil...This used to exhaust me and blow my mind.

Narcissists have different purposes for different sources. One to look after the home/stability and security, one for sex, one to go to dinner with. They compartmentalise their relationships.

You know what always amazed me, how they can have a screaming fit for an hour and boom go straight to sleep like a baby. That was my first clue of how messed up these individuals truly are, it is un fathomable!

A narcissist might have separate ‘compartments’ for you, his girlfriend(s), his work relationships, his family life, his guy friends, his time at the gym or in the band or at the bar or home alone at his apartment. Then, when it’s convenient, he just moves in and out of the little rooms like a snake, carefully closing the door behind him when he arrives and also locking it tight when he leaves. He might be giving you the silent treatment while hanging out in the compartment next door and you won’t even know it. Or he can be having a regular sex life with three different women who all think that they’re his only girlfriend. When a person is a pathological liar and has no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse, compartmentalization is the way to go!

I learnt to compartmentalize as a way of survival in my narcissistic marriage. It is something I find hard to break even now that I'm out. I don't trust people around me enough not to compartmentalize.

It amazes me as I learn what I've been dealing with all these years.😏🥴😔

It is such a disturbing feeling to wake up and realize that you chose to live in an illusion for so long. I am still having trouble wrapping my head around how I got to that place. The crazy thing is too that I grew up seeing that kind stuff all around and always thought that I would never be the kind of person that would choose to stay in a bad relationship or be so blinded and in denial and yet here I am wtf.

The compartmentalization of narcissists is in my opinion one of the main reasons for cognitive dissonance. I remember when I was slowly realizing that my mother is a malignant narcissist and the first warning sign I noticed was the compartmentalization. I was baffled at how she is so good at remembering all the things I have done wrong down to the details, then say she can not recall her own mistakes. Then I started noticing the complete lack of deeper empathy and being able to be in other people's shoes. Then suddenly I started noticing she would often smile with very cold eyes and that still gives me chills at night. The more I noticed the signs of narcissism, the more scared I got. So a few years ago I cut her off. I do not talk to her or have any sort of contact with her. I have also ghosted the family from her side and I usually shut off people who are generally associated with her. Unfortunate, but it has been one of the best decisions for my mental well-being.

Wow! And all that time I thought something was wrong with ME!

When I broke up with my partner he filed a lawsuit against me claiming I owed him money. While we were in court waiting to be heard he dropped me a note over the bench I was sitting in that said, "win or lose, wanna have breakfast afterwards?" I kept that note as a reminder of the torment I felt throughout 4.5 years with him. Thank You for your work!

“Emotion does not just turn off”. If I’ve said this to my mother once I’ve said it a hundred times. She could never understand why I couldn’t flip a switch like her

OMG yes! It goes along with the Jeckyl and Hyde part of narcissism. They are all charming and funny in public, everyone loves them, but demons behind closed doors. He once trapped me in a room and screamed and berated me for hours to the point I almost shut down completely. My peripheral vision was actually closing in on me. Then, he decided we should get something to eat. We went to a fast food place, and he happily ate his food while I sat there almost catatonic. I'm sure people walking past me wondered what my problem was because he appeared to be thoroughly enjoying his food while I was trying not to cry. He actually asked me if something was wrong because I wasn't eating. I actually managed to say "are you kidding me?!" He just went back to eating like nothing ever happened.

I did this compartmentalization as a survival mechanism during my 18 years marriage to a narcissist. I divorced when I realised that I live in denial and decided to give myself the chance to experience a healthy love relationship.

My goodness. I can’t tell you how many times the narcissist scolded me for having appropriate emotions, and belittled my concerns about unresolved issues between us when time had passed. Even after raging at me threateningly and attempting to embarrass me in public without apology, they’d say, “You’re STILL talking about that? I’ve already moved on.” It used to wound and infuriate me. Now that I understand their pathology, I don’t even care anymore. Thanks Dr. Ramani!

What saved me and helped me get out the emotional abusive marriage hurts me now that I am out of it. I have to relearn how to feel again, I have to learn how to slowly open my boxes again. My mind is telling me “it works, why change?” but I crave to genuinely feel again rather than suppress it. I want to be emotionally healthy again. I want to feel the positive emotions even if it also means feels the negative ones too.

I was always hit with the comment "Why do you always exaggerate things?" when I would react with an appropriate emotion to being hurt. I always felt like there were two people I was in a relationship with, the person who would disparage me with comments like that and another who could be kind long enough to get what they wanted

Dr. Ramani you’ve helped me so much. Raised by a narcissistic mom and three failed marriages- I’m finally making sense of it all.

My ex narc would tell me at night “ you think you are smart, but you ain’t shit” and in the morning he would kiss me and say I love you. This caused a lot of confusion in my life

It was devastating when my husband just fell fast asleep after degrading me. I used to cry so quiet just staring at his back wanting him to love me, or at least care that he hurt me. I used to snuggle into him or hold his hand when he fell asleep and just cry silently. Education triggers so many painful memories. 💔

This was my dad. Explains all the affairs, abuse. Double standards and “do as I do and not as I say.” Mom was a narcissist too. Fooled all my teachers and wrath was behind closed doors. This is the worst form of abuse.

I understand now why my childhood was so difficult. All the incidents affected me for quite some time, whilst my parents were over it within minutes.

I always had on my happy face in public and at home. But when I was at home and exhausted from dealing with her manic need for attention, I would get quiet and withdraw. Then she'd be mad because I was being fake happy around her or too quiet. But if I expressed my true feelings, she'd whip around and get angry at me or mock my depression and anxiety. I learned it was best to never show my vulnerability. So I became masterful at faking happy better, fawning over her more to keep her manageable. It was a miserable 20 years. Near the end while she was cheating, I ran out of steam and couldn't keep the fake happy going or the intense praise flowing. Blessed in many ways she discarded me.

When I was a kid, I had a nightmare where my mother was acting in two polar opposite ways, as if she were two people. One would yell and scream and nitpick over small things that didn't matter, then she would leave the room. When she returned, she was kind and happy and had no memory of her previous behavior. I think this might have been the two compartments that my brain created for my narcissistic mother. One for the person she wanted me to see, and one for her dark side. It's taken me a while to realize that the dark side is the only one that was true in any practical sense.

This woman is part of the reason I am still alive and am healing! This stuff is so true and real, I understand so much more and better. Please pass this on to someone else that needs to hear this and help others that need to hear this too!!

This brought to mind when my Father passed away. After a 2 week period of mourning~my Narcissistic (former) spouse said, "Are you over it yet?" I guess he thought I'd be able to compartmentalize like he does.🙄

As an oldest sibling of a lot of kids and 3 divorces, I became extremely good at this due to my military, correction officer father always asking what we wanted and then throwing a tantrum because it wasn’t the answer he had pre-decided. We were always being yelled at for things that made no sense, so we had to compartmentalize in order to function in our lives. This ability translates extremely well to the entertainment industry. I believe any person in this industry comes from trauma and is just acting out their role in a different environment, where you get paid to function as narcissists and co-dependents. I was so overly used to my parents’ rage and tantrums that I became really good at tuning it out, mocking them, ignoring them, solving problems in the midst of a crisis when others are melting down, etc. I didn’t ever have any desire to be a property master but that’s where I ended up for a whole decade because of my ability to compartmentalize. People liked me to be their boss because I never lost my temper, as I knew it would only waste time and make people slower at doing the thing that I needed. I didn’t want to be a department head. I wanted less responsibility and less people communicating with me and I got the exact opposite of that. I didn’t know I was allowed to say no to people and everyone made me their friend to make sure I wouldn’t. Compartmentalizing comes in handy when you’re dealing with a Narcissist, as I have had to fire them. They will try to manipulate you by using the friendship to guilt you into pretending their erratic, untrustworthy behavior never happened and you can’t risk the production for one moron. Sometimes you have to Trump (apologies for the expression) a narcissist by being a psychopath and it ISN’T personal. You just figured out they’re a manipulator and could sabotage an entire production. If anyone is interested in the most perfect depiction of Narcissism, watch “Behind Her Eyes” on Netflix. *warning : it is extremely triggering.

I like that you mentioned the phrase "It's not personal it's just business" phrases like that being said often signal a narcissist, other phrases like "I don't take no for an answer" or "Everyone has their price" are other narcissistic phrases to look out for, you could do a whole series on narcissistic phrases that could raise a red flag. I've seen the compartmentalization in a female narcissist, it seems she was doing it at a time where she may have been feeling anxious or nervous and wanted to project that sense of instability on to me, by attacking me verbally right before we walked into some big event or important meeting, because I was unaware my mood would be affected at first, but she did it often enough that I started to become aware and kept my cool. It's as if the compartmentalization is apart of the emotional regulation... push unwanted feelings on to someone else, so they don't have to be experienced in the moment.

You explain things so elegantly without sugar coating, without shaming us for being around narcissists. Your education I know is saving lives and reviving self confidence that I never thought could ever exist. Bless you!

Whats really funny is when you catch them lying and think you are going to leave so they bring out the "nice box" and love bomb you. Then a day or so later dangle the nice box out in front of you and rip it away. This cycle has been going on for a while.

I call it the "Gemini Syndrome". I know one part is apologizing for bad behavior and the look on their face tells me that they are apologizing because they were caught red handed and they resent you and hate you for catching them in the act...

When the Narcissist is in their bad days, I know they are a Narcissist. But then they start having good days, and I'm flooded with self-doubt and confusion. It's because I compartmentalize.

"It is nothing personal, it's just business" was the first rule in my family. Everything was on a balance sheet, but only if you were willing to play the game. If you didn't play, you always paid.

In my opinión, it is always better to confront the truth as soon as posible, and being aware of the reality.

“Can feel like they are in two diff relationships...” so true.

When I found out he had been living a double life, all I could say was "but how can someone do this to their family?" I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. He said "I compartmentalize it all." OMG!

"the compartments are a manifestation of the denial that being in a narcissistic relationship seems to require" (9:14). at 47, I'm still breaking through my internal denial of just how awful my narcissistic father was. I know it intellectually, but its hard for me to let in emotionally, the enormity of his psychopathy. my child self still wants to hold onto the 'good dad' who was also a part of the complex whole. though I've been NC for decades, there are still contradictions I can't resolve, and compartments that are nowhere close to touching in my mind and heart.

In my humble research.. and deep diving in memories.. I discover two things most narcissists do or have or whatever you wanna label that: *First.. They sleep faster than others if they have nothing to stay busy with like a cellphone or a TV, etc.. It takes them around twenty minutes to be in a state of deep sleep. *second.. In an argument when they start to get angry and mad.. They will start repeating some of your sentences in a childish funny way.. For example, in the argument if you said don't talk with me.. They will repeat it like DOUNTT DOUK WIDT MEEE. It just the real child in them comes out if they start losing control of the argument. Thanks for the likes.

I don't compartmentalize anymore. While I no longer swing between feelings of utter despair and hope there is still the grief to deal with. I know that radical acceptance doesn't mean there won't be any pain ever but I am the most peaceful I have ever been in my life.

My mother would be yelling at me looking like an angry dog and the phone would ring and she would answer it in her everything's wonderful angel voice. Something about seeing that blatant falseness helped me years later when I set boundaries and she tried love bombing to control me. Both my parents had many faces. Lies substance abuse and several kinds of child abuse were in some of their secret boxes. I wouldn't be surprised if there were literal bones in others.

Someone I know has BPD and she does very well in public, so when she has been asking for help psychologically, they don’t believe her. This reminds me that a psychologist named Formica stated that someone with BPD can function well in certain types of situations and suck at others, so that the problems surface. Somehow like a patchwork. Thanks for explaining the ease narcissists move from one to another patch. It is important so we are not fooled by it to think that they are the masters of every difficulty and that they know how to do the miraculous «moving on».

I realized long ago that I compartmentalized. It felt safe. In 2011, I was diagnosed with DID and C-PTSD. (Going strong with the same therapist still!) So I don’t know if it’s compartments or alters. But I do know that I’ve learned so much and have progressed. And at the same time, I’ve learned a lot about my husband’s behavioral patterns. And while I can’t diagnose him, and he refuses to commit to any long-term therapy, his patterns are NPD/sociopathic heavy. And I’ve learned so much from your channel, Dr. Ramani. I truly appreciate your kind yet to-the-point approach.

My ex told me she tends to compartmentalize b4 I knew she was a narc. She believed because our marriage wasn't happy she could could go be happy outside of it w/o saying she was cheating but I soon found out. Our life together was just 1 square on her tile floor SMH.

The longer you know a narcissist, you will eventually see the compartments slowly eroding until the narc does themselves in. Hopefully, you can get out of this farce before the final implosion. The worst thing to happen to a narc is to be totally alone.

The survivor compartmentalization (denial, fantasy and endless tolerance and benefit of the doubts for the narcissist partner ) I bet was conditioning from childhood. A lifetime of compartmentalizations. Waking up after leaving the toxic relationship to the love fraud put me flat on my back into the stickiest deepest most dark searing grief. After climbing out - you bet I’m awake and see all shades of reality

Yes!!! more videos on compartmentalisation and dealing with high conflict relationships 👏🏽

This woman is saving my soul

This has been me for years with my family, particularly my brother. I endure & deal with his vile, vile, vile behaviour and then as soon as he decides to behave with a wee bit more humanity then I would suddenly shut down one compartment and open another and just accept it and go with it without a blink of an eye. It is well trained and well ingrained family behaviour. But after many years of this ABUSE I have had enough and I have made the difficult, family dividing decision to walk away. My heart and body just couldn't take it any more.

Due to abuse we faces when we were kids, my brother compartmentalizes. He tend to have his moments when he'll rip off his happy mask and cry as soon as we're in a room together. Or he'll forget important memories of our childhood and create a completely different memory in his head. He's such a sweet person, and I feel bad that he still idolizes our abuser because he doesn't want to admit the truth. I'm really even sure what to do because he doesn't even realize he's doing it. So I just play along, because I got scared correcting him. Last time I corrected him he started crying.

Dear dr Ramani, thank you for this. I see exactly this pattern with a dear family member and a friend, being sucked into their respective narcissistic relationships for many years, decades in fact, by now. It is also becoming increasingly difficult for us, family members, friends to bear their compartmentalised lives, full of denials, obvious lies and toxicity spill overs towards, into their larger social circles. This brings me to proverb, in German: “Wer sich unter die Kleie mengt, den fressen die Schweine”, and translated into English: “he who mixes with the bran, will be eaten by the pigs.”

Thank for this one!!! I mentioned an ex would act like two different people. My mom is famous for patting herself on the back as a beloved teacher and yet would flip out at home. She looooves to say how loyal and family oriented she is, but that is only a one way street for her. I call her out on things, she acts like a petty child. In a way, you help me to try to reparent myself.

Excellent piece. Compartmentalizing isn't talked about enough in narcs/psychopaths, much less in those being traumatized. STBX is a psychopath...led a double life for 30 yrs. Did the same with his first family. I have no clue how he did it. Again, excellent gold nuggets.

Wow. One of the first things my husband ever told me about himself is that he has the ability and is excellent at compartmentalization. I had no idea what he was talking about and I thought it was an odd thing to even mention. It took me years to understand exactly what he meant.

Imagine children that must compartmentalize with shared custody parents that are polar opposites

I would appreciate a version of this video geared especially towards those who grew up with narc. parents and how that affects them.

Boy she sure as heck said exactly what I have been doing all those years!!! Pretending like all those bad times are separate from the good times! Not wanting to open my eyes completely and admit to myself that the relationship is toxic and so unhealthy!!! I’m now learning all of this and now I know I have to leave!!!

Did that until my girls were gone; not under her control. Honesty is key 🔑

Dr. Ramani, Thank you so much for all you do for us. You don't have to share your life's work in this manner. I appreciate and respect what you are doing. You don't charge for these videos. You could at any point. You are reaching so many people, me included. The words, thank you, doesn't seem enough. You are an amazing person.

I always felt there were certain compartment of topics where in I was supposed to say anything at all.That area was not be voiced,no opinions,only ignore

This makes me laugh now. Before I knew what I was dealing with, I was trying to convince my ex-wife that she couldn’t work on saving our marriage whilst continuing her latest affair, her response “yes I can I’m very good at compartmentalising things”. She sold it as though it was a special skill rather than the dysfunction it is.

I love the fact you also spoke about how survivors can often do this themselves, I've been trying to practice better self awareness because I'm sure I do this more often then I can admit to myself. It was difficult as a child experiencing one parent putting on a "show" to hide the narc abuse that was occurring at home. But it makes sense, at the time it feels "easier"... but then decades of your life quickly disappear.

Good info, especially re: how the compartments open up and the rage spills out. Narcs can classify people as not even human to do what they do, while acting pretty normal with others. It’s so hard to convince those people of their real selves, especially if no one believes you or helps. Thank you for these videos every day.

Yes, it's never safe to exhale when dealing with a narc. Every time you think things might be okay you must stay vigilant.

This makes so much sense. I used to chalk it up to him feeling guilty...um no. This is exactly what he would do. One minute tearing your head off and calling you down to the lowest, the next asking where would you like to eat like nothing ever happened. Of course never saying he was sorry. Just switching from one mode to another. I would still be simmering and hurt and processing what just happened, the next he was on to something else. At the time he would say I was dramatic or too sensitive or misunderstood or even that I couldn't let things go because I would still be upset/scared/angry/hurt. Terribly confusing. I could never make my emotions just get with the program -- his program. Your explanation of the court was spot on too. He would level horrible accusations in court, ask for the most outrageous things, accuse me and my lawyer of all manner of evil things, then walk out and talk to both of us like we were friends. I used to tell myself, at some point, you need to stop being shocked by the shocking things he does.

Once again, you have answered a lifelong question. I knew it was weird to be in trauma one minute and “happy” family the next, but I had no description, no nomenclature, to make sense of it or understand it. Thank you for making me feel like a normal person again. And thank you for helping me realize that I still do this and why. I’m not crazy. Awareness is the first step to healing.

I was just flabbergasted about the different stories my narc kept talking about to different people - but luckily he was not intelligent enough to keep track of all his lies; and of course he never thought people would start exchanging stories.... it was quite enlightening to me when I finally started doing that

A brilliant video, Dr. Ramani. I had a chance to observe a narcissistic man who had just lost his girlfriend. He was heartbroken and "dying" but he recovered instantly when a new woman appeared on the horizon. It was like watching a fire in one compartment of a space station. The door opens and the vacuum of space puts the fire out noiselessly. Watching him, I wondered where did the great fire go? Now I understand why - it's the narcissist's amazing ability to compartmentalize.

I'm sooooo grateful to this channel for the validation.

I lived like this for years. Now going through the truth makes me physically sick.

This is so true! I finally faced up to the truth of my marriage many years ago and made the decision to stay. Speaking from experience, hard as it is, it's much better to be truthful to yourself, face reality and figure out how to live the life you want. As usual Dr. Ramini you hit the nail on the head! 😘

Oh damn!!! Ding, ding, ding. Why haven't I heard this before? God lord, this explains so much that had confused me. How we could be in the midst of our breakup but her flying off to go on stage at a major event and not have it shake her in the least. I was asking myself, 'how can you do that while I'm torn into a million pieces?' Now I get it.

This resonates with me. Dec 22, 2020, my estranged husband came to my house to drop off our eldest. He brought pizza. The kids wanted him to help decorate the tree. I was getting ready to eat when suddenly he found out that a mutual friend had come to the house that day and he flipped a switch. He accused me of talking "sh*t" about him. He called me all manner of names. Yelled. Got in my face. Took ALL of my clothes out of the closet and threw them outside. All in front of our kids (ages 8 and 2). We fought for over an hour. Then, suddenly, it was like he was finished. I was sufficiently petrified and he went into the living room, ate pizza, talked to me about sports and helped decorate the tree like NOTHING had gone on. I, on the other hand, was shaking and could barely breathe. The more I watch these, the more convinced I am that he has narcissistic tendencies.

In a text, he once wondered why I wasn't "compartmentalizing"? English is my second language, so I googled the word later and stumbled over an article "sociopaths & compartmentalization". There he told on himself.

There's no growth in compartmentalising. That which delivers our shortcomings onto a plate in front of us does so out of the momentum of nature. Life and learning are what give rise to seeing through the illusion of division and separation, and that only comes from inclusion and integrity; from real-ising the bigger picture and higher purpose - The peace of Be-ing, with all things. Negativity has a mechanism - it takes One, and makes it in to many. Positivity takes the many, and becomes the one.

This hits home-how i managed (&was blinded to) the narcs in my family, & abusive sexual relationships, & other organizations. Self-gaslighting all my life!

Thank you for the reassurance that I'm taking the right steps to remember I don't need old coping mechanisms now I'm out xx

I always knew my partner had found compartmentalisation as a form of carrying on in his abusive marriage, his ex wife was an expert at doing this and it was very frustrating and confusing for him. It took years for me to understand that he had adapted a milder form in order to function through daily life, to get to work and keep things together for the sake of the children. When you hear of this abuse, you often ponder on how victims cope or carry on for so long, and this is obviously one of the coping mechanisms. I always thought this could be the case, but to hear it from Dr Ramani, explained so perfectly as usual is so validating. His children that we have brought up also exhibit this coping mechanism.. It has taken me 14 years to help him relearn how to deal with life's ups and downs in a more proactive way, its been difficult as I didnt have the education, and at times felt that he was just brilliant at ignoring problems! 14 years in a loving, real relationship after 12 years of a narcissistic abusive marriage, and we still have a long way to go. I don't know what I'd do without these videos and also the community of viewers, every comment I read astounds me at how many people just get it!

After I was quickly discarded by my narcissistic ex, after seven years of relationship, I asked where was that love that was so big and that existed until a few months earlier, and she said: “I put in a little box.” Not only the idea of being able to put such a strong feeling aside, but one that was once so big inside a “little box” made me astonished. Of course, now I understand that she never really loved me, once I learned about narcissistic personality disorder, but her words still astonish me.

I think a lot of narc survivors are not in denial...they were just uneducated about it. With information and education, a huge shift takes place for that survivor.. You feel understood, empowered and things that never made sense before, suddenly do. That knowledge in itself, is enough,I believe! We don't need to take the next step... often it leads to even more trauma...we can learn to manage and grow from where we are. We can't escape all negative situations or people in our lives. I would leave that to God,as He knows us completely and what we need. Thank you Dr Ramani for your videos.. They help enormously,on our paths to healing.

Dr. R you are so right on all of this! So glad I found this channel. I've learned that people do not like the brutal honesty. 😆 I love brutal honesty and the ones that do not like it are red flags for me so I keep my distance from them.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother whom I loved, so I developed a survival tactic of compartmentalising the good times (when she was sober) and the bad times (during a period of binge drinking), but never treating these two versions of the same person as the same; one I loved and the other I deeply resented for stealing away the mother I loved. I never confronted the person I loved with the misdeeds of person I disliked. I did the same with my Narc husband. I loved the fun loving and affectionate person I fell in love with and disliked the rage filled self entitled drunken person who said mean and hateful things to me; but I never said anything to the sober version! I stayed in a very toxic relationship pretending to myself for a decade that I liked this awful man! His son described him as a silk tongued snake! I was blinded by the walls of those compartments! I’m wiser now thanks to Dr Ramani’ great insights. Thanks so much. I’m divorcing him now 🙏

It really supports your being gaslighted especially after an attack.

OMGosh!! I used to call him Jekyll and Heyd! One day I actually worked up the nerve and asked him who he was that day. (Lol) Thank you Dr. Ramani for your videos. And you are a beautiful woman inside and out.

This is where psychopathy comes in. My dad had up to 6 gfs and a wife at the same time. Anyone around them is supposed to live a double life and lie to themselves. Once he was out of my life I experienced huge personal growth. You cannot grow around inauthentic people. Reminds me of the sevendust denial song that was popular around that time lol

The best advice for survivors. Really wonderful message from Dr Ramani for a healthy future for survivors recovered flying monkeys and victims friends and relatives who can’t get grasp of this abuse

If there's no type of resolution, that compartment stays open. Everything may not have an immediate answer but ignoring your problems always turns out bad.

This compartmentalization video was an eye opener. It is freeing to know that you can survive if we don't allow ourserlves to be overly concerned about what the narcissist is doing, because they're going to do it anyway. I've learned that the hard way all of my life. As I become stronger in knowing who I am and since I'm not being 'bothered' or 'supported', there have been baby steps to more self care, doing things I enjoy whether alone or with friends/people who share the common interests. Especially since there is no care of how I'm enjoying myself. It's o.k. because now I'm not saying "we never do anything!, because I am!" Nothing that would harm the relationship.

"It is the elaborate ways in which we turn away from pain through psychological defenses that leads to the increase and elaboration of pain" - Delia Kostner

Even when you cry about the relationship and your needs and wants they don't care.

I compementslice to enjoy my life despite the abuse. It is not denial anymore, just healing a bit before freedom.

Every video. I’ve lived it. She was screaming my head off. Crying. Endless tears. Aggressive finger pointing. One minute after she stopped. Her cousin calls and it’s cheerful laughing , joking and being ok. I had no idea how to react to this.

Dr Ramani you are the best !👏👏👏 Thanks ! A big hug from Brazil

Is this due to the fact that they (the narcissist) is fractured and split from trauma? I was like this after being abused and exploited by a psychopath. He pretended to be one thing for two years then immediately flipped the script when he thought he ‘had me’ because I fell in love with him after a few years of thinking I knew who he was. It was terrifying. In the last two years healing after the fact (and immediately going no contact when he dropped the mask) - I wondered if I ever knew him at all. And *I* felt split into two people. One person who was me, angry in disbelief, shock, requiring accountability, searching for accountability (self) est .....and the other that thought everything was real and really loved him with all my heart and wanted to believe that he was just in a bad place at the time. Thankfully I have done a lot of inner and spiritual work over the last 15 years, so I was able to witness this duality, these multiple aspects of my mind run in different directions. It was terrifying and the awareness didn’t save me from somatically experiencing PTSD. All the gaslighting and his very convincing act I totally believed and I’m not a person who’s easily fooled. I felt like I didn’t know who I was after the fact because of the double mind. Prior to I had a strong sense of self.

My tip: Journaling helps me to remember & not to get too hopeful when the good days fleetingly appear! I journal my observations, his bad behaviors, how his “fluffy” words don’t match his behaviors, his withholding of affection/conversation/emotion/kindness/attention etc., his lack of action to make amends/repair/to initiate conversations or show real remorse or compassion after betraying me. Journaling helps me to keep perspective of what’s real. Not what’s promised or rewritten by him! Journaling prevents cognitive dissonance. I fell in love with the “image” he presented. Now I see it & sadly, I realize, our whole 33 year marriage was just an illusion. What I put into it was real but not for him. I was nothing more than part of the “image” he was building for himself. Just window dressing for his success show!

Wow, it amazes me every time when you give an example that hits home. My ex took pride in compartmentalizing and shamed me for having big emotions. Now that I am single, I am having to completely relearning how to express my emotions, and even having to learn what actually is healthy and normal regarding my emotions, and how to not suppress them anymore.

I wish I knew you YEARS ago. You could have helped me understand what I needed to know.

Thank you for these videos. You’re paving a path of healing for us damaged souls (even if they are filled with baby steps). Somehow helps us be able to process emotions that’s safely tucked away cuz we didn’t know how to rationalize it. Born to a narcissistic mother. Married to a narcissist for the past 11 years. (Funny, she chose my husband.) And till now I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt like I was married to a male version of my mother. Two years of gray rocking. Staying only to protect the sweetest little girl who is left confused most days as to why her dad is giving her the silent treatment even when she’s nice to him. Thank you for what you do Dr Ramani!

Brilliantly articulated! Love your videos❤️👏🏽

I have had to learn to live in compartments in order to hide from my narcissistic father and from his enablers (siblings, extended family, family friends). I have had to go in hiding in order to study languages, graduate from college, etc. I can be open and honest about my life only in spaces where I feel safe (i.e. where my family is not present at all). In environments where family members are present, or where there are people who know my family, I have to hide, remain silent and compartmentalize. If my father learns ANYTHING about me, my life, my activities, he tries to control it, suppress it, and he won't leave me alone. It is very difficult to always have to live in hiding, clandestinely, as if I were an undercover agent. And always in fear and looking over my shoulder and assessing the risk of speaking to people depending on how close they are to my family, and how likely it is that they could "denounce" me to my father or his enablers, by telling him/them information about me.