Remember, sometimes when an abuser is confronted or corrected they become more severe in the abuse to prevent the abused spouse from ever speaking out again. Do not assume there will automatically be a good response.
They twist the truth and turn you into being the abuser and make you doubt your own reality. The church isn't trained in how to spot an abuser, to differentiate between who the abuser is in the relationship, they aren't trained to recognize manipulation. They try but don't understand that dealing with this takes a lot of wisdom, insight and discernment as well as education and training. The church will inadvertently empower the abuser and disempower the one is actually being psychologically abused. I have read enough information online from leaders who give advice as to what the biblical answer is and how to proceed. Encourage that it is God's will that you endure and you suffer for him like Christ suffered being mocked and abused on his way to the cross. In my view that is spiritual manipulation. I really believe that the only types of individuals with these qualities that can help are those who have lived through it themselves and understand the nuances.
It took me 12 years to leave with 4 kids and now I’m a single mom with a teenage son who is repeating the behavior and I can’t allow it to destroy all I have escaped and started to build. I am doing my best with involving my kids in church and youth group and living my life as dedicated to Jesus as possible but I need help. I have no family to help me and I guess I’ll reach out to the church more but please pray for us. I need something to change because I cannot live or have a home with abuse in it.
I have first hand experience with this. I am so so sorry for what you are suffering. I am praying for you and will be continuing to pray without ceasing. Sadly, often, our Son's choose the horrible abusive patterns of their fathers. My son has also. I know just how horrible this is. I pray that God will deliver you Sister, in the name of Jesus Christ and lead your Son to walk in the ways of the Lord.
I just left my home b/c severe anger and mental verbal abuse. The more I prayed and read the bible the worse it got, so I had to just leave and pray for the family member that was doing this to me.
You did the right thing. I wish I'd been that brave when I was young. I stayed. It harmed me and led to worse behavior in my Dad and in other family members. It's always better to stand up against evil than to try and fly under the radar.
I've been going through that for 3 years now and don't know what to do. My parents don't accept I'm a Christian, sometimes they act like they don't care, sometimes feels like they wanna fight all the time. I've thought about leaving (I'm 22) but my sister did it the minute she turned 18 and it just made things worse between them. I just wanted to make a difference and let the light of Christ shine through me, but it's also so hard 😢 They've hurted me so many times with words, I just listen and later cry to God in prayer. Still think if leaving is the right thing to do...
@@lifeinbrazil217 Hi sister, I sympathize with you and relate to what you are saying Will be praying for you, may God comfort you and lead your heart towards His truth always❤
I was verbally and emotionally abusive to my wife. I've sincerely asked God to forgive me and help me change. My wife left me 4 months ago and our divorce will be finalized soon. I'm so devastated when I think of the pain she has endured because of me. I will never forgive myself! Only God can forgive me. I have repented my sins. I have been working super hard on my personal development and relationship with Jesus christ. I have been attending counseling weekly for the past 4months and have been on meds for depression and anxiety for 4 months. I'm constantly listening to sermons on marriage and reading the Bible . I must be the man God wants me to be. GOD HAS SHOWN ME MY WRONGS. I WILL NEVER REMARRY. I PRAY FOR RECONCILIATION DAILY. I WANT GOD TO BE AT THE VERY HEART OF OUR MARRIAGE . I LOVE MY WIFE WITH MY HEART AND SOUL AND HOPE GOD WILL BLESS US TO RECONCILIATION SO I CAN SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE MAKING THINGS RIGHT WITH HER AND MAKING HER HAPPY.
I read this comment and am truly touched by it. How I wish my husband would write this. He is harsh with me, often ignores me and just makes me feel unwanted. It hard being in this situation. I will be praying for you brother.
How wonderful that you have repented! Maybe you could provide some insight as to what led to you being this way to your wife, so that others can learn from it. What were the underlying issues? If you can identify the problems, with God's help you can put strategies into place to avoid those triggers. And maybe correcting any imbalance in your life...ie. getting time out, doing things you enjoy, spending time with God in prayer, etc. I wish you well on your journey!
@@rosserscott4376 Oh, I am very sorry to hear that! That is very sad. Please be assured that your Dad is with you in spirit, and God is still with you and is guiding your path every day! Your journey is not finished yet! There is plenty more of life to enjoy, experience and learn from... Just keep close to God and you won't go wrong. 👍☀️☀️🙏
I’m healing from my parents relationship and the destruction from an abusive mother, and this is very helpful in trying to build a healthy space for my own relationships. Thank you for your wisdom!
All this happened and no repentance but vitriolic attack and arguementive gaslighting. He was on the prayer team of his church. He was careful with his money. He did voluntary work. I thought I was marrying a good man. I was SO stunned because he was not like this before we married. It started two weeks into the marriage when I accidentally put the forks into the knife drawer when wiping up!!!!.
I have a relative who stayed with her husband when the children suffered as a result, and there continued to be a codependency issue between the parents despite weekly church going. The Church did address the problem a couple of times once one of the kids was in her teens and finally asked for help, but nothing was ever enforced. One of the kids became a crack addict, and the other one suffered from debilitating anxiety and PTSD. The lasting effects of this abuse is very unfortunate. When it is found that the abuser does not intend to change, the church needs to direct the wife to leave the home for the sake of herself and for her children. .
Christy Hunt: I agree with you completely. Not addressing this issue correctly can lead to devastation for the recipients of abuse. I lived this in my home, where both my parents were emotionally and psychologically abusive. Noone saw or believed the abuse. When I tried to get help, people called me ungrateful and told me to value the good life my parents gave me. None of them witnessed the abuse like I did, so they had no idea what really happened in our home. My mother in particular would use the scriptures to justify herself and condemn me. The result was anxiety, depression, PTSD and a distorted idea of God and the Gospel. Blessed be the Lord for finding me, redirecting my life, for healing me and teaching me the Gospel as God intented it to be taught.
I agree. I say that any sign of abuse is reason for seeking help and safety. There are sad true stories of those who were abused and went back and never lived to get a chance to tell anyone the next time. We had someone connected to our family that had a very tragic end to an abusive relationship. It is too horrible to even share here. That is why we need to be very careful and very prayerful about telling someone to stay in a relationship that has even a hint that there could be abuse. I say go to safety dear beloved ones ...go to safety. Our Lord Jesus would never abuse on of His children.
I agree correction by the elders and or ex-communication is a highly unlikely way to change the abuser. While Christian friends and church leadership could help, mostly it is the one who is being abused that could benefit. The abuser needs professional counseling for years to start a change in their behavior. The idea of a couple going to trusted friends (friends that have been vetted by the abuser), would not be advised by any professional counselor. John Piper is a leader, pastor, and teacher but that does not make him an expert in all things. He is dangerously ignorant in this subject.
Over 20 years the pattern is me believing his apology only to watch him return to the same horrible behavior 😫 I feel like I'm on a roller coster ride of his severe ups and downs ⚠ (I hate roller coasters, will never ride them) He's never been happy with status quo, he's very critical of everything and everyone and wears his work title and his Christianity as a badge of honor 😞 He is so entrenched in his abusive ways that it's a lifestyle almost! I don't think he wants to be that way but doesn't know any other way to respond appropriately, esp if he has to "cope" with a difficult situation at home but NEVER at work or in public. It's an automatic outburst of word vomit yelling putdowns, and cursing ... never if ever, 'listening to understand then responding appropriately' the way it should be IF you've sincerely apologized! BTW....the church (3 to be exact) has failed us/him/me by disregarding or dismissing the severity, b/c he won't come clean. Keeping myself centered on The Lord wrapped in His care trying to believe and hope for the best is sooo hard. I used to have lots of friends and family always around... now barely a few left 💔 I'm not much fun to be around. If you understand this dilemma ~ Pray
Thank-full, I feel your hurt and understand your struggle... This video helped me; I hope it can help you too: ru-vid.com/video/%D0%B2%D0%B8%D0%B4%D0%B5%D0%BE-P9zOqdpFR48.html You are beautiful, you are precious, you deserve to be loved and respected. Your worth does not come from the love or approval of any human being but God. Be blessed.
You are speaking about me and my marriage... I am not living anymore , I am surviving day by day, it is very sad because I have a 6 years old and my whole family is back home in Africa, I feel so ashamed to even try to make an effort of having friends around because I know it will not last... the verbal and emotional abuse is so much and frequently that I don’t even have time to recover and put myself together to be a normal human being. 😥
The church failed me too and my children. Keep seeking the Lord. Heal and love yourself. I live in the same situation. It is so hard. I’m down fo just a few really good friends. Between the Lord, my friends and my kids I feel blessed. I’m praying for you!
@@reflections4me It's strange isn't it continent's seperate us i'm in America. But marriages man n women can suffer the same ISOLATION of a unhealthy relationship... I share ur pain, & after 26yrs i'm guilty of this NEGATIVE behavior thinking & anger, despair & pain..too. idk what to do but to give him what he wants. To be free of me we are prisoner's of this marriage.. That's what I think he is feeling. idk i'm feeling it
The patterns described sounds like you are dealing with a narcissistic passive aggressive personality which is an emotional abuser. For me, just knowing what i was dealing with has helped me tremendously. Those personalities are harmful and destructive bcuz they are evil. Best thing to do is arm yourself with Gods wisdom, know His Word, know who you are in Christ and know yor authority in Christ. Research so u know what you are up against and pray and ask God to give you a battle plan. Personally, i believe the person is oppressed or posessed by demon(s)
You mentioned long-term damage done to children due to verbal/emotional abuse. Are there any videos wherein Pastor Piper addresses how someone who grew up from a child in such an environment might walk through healing? I am forty and have only really begun to be honest with myself about what I endured when I was a child. Even so, I have been hurting for a long time. I even had a season of seven years where I thought I was all better and then something took place which brought everything back. My experience in the church is that most folks are unwilling or unable to help anyone who has been truly wounded. There's this expectation that the person just be fine. "You're a Christian aren't you? You're saved aren't you? Why can't you be happy and normal like everyone else?" I've even had plenty of folks, even folks I didn't know, get upset with me and insist that my situation wasn't so bad. It's almost always turned around and put on me, that my pain is my own fault or that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. What I've put together is this: 1. You can't pretend. If you're hurt, be honest with yourself and everyone else. Pretending only exacerbates the situation. 2. You can't make yourself better. Healing will happen when it happens. You can arrange yourself, to varying degrees, in such a way as to be the most conducive to healing, but you cannot actually force it to happen. 3. The most conducive thing you can do to heal is to draw nearer to Christ. As you gaze upon Him, the pain and the wound don't necessarily go away. They likely won't. But they will be dwarfed by God's greatness and love. I just don't hear many Christian preachers speak helpfully on this subject. Has Dr. Piper addressed emotional healing and dealing with soul wounds? This is just really hard.
You said that very well. Been living the same thing for 60 years. I feel safe only when I am with my Jesus and I hear His precious love through His sacrifice.
Hi, I am a Christian and since childhood I've been suffering from emotional and verbal abuse from my dad. Sometimes, involves physical abuse.. (to the point that they would send me to the hospital to see if there is an internal bleeding in my head). I won't go into details but I've been suffering too much that I can't stand it anymore. Through the years, I kept on forgiving everything that he is doing because I know that it honors the Lord. That I must forgive no matter what. I also hoped back then that through my response, my dad would repent of his ways and come to know the Lord. Unfortunately, that didnt happen. I am already 25 years old, but he still treats me the same way. I am in so much pain and I don't know what to do. Because of what I am going through, it has affected my relationship with God because all I feel is hatred and anger towards my Dad.. I fully know that this does not please the Lord. But still, I can no longer bear my dad's treatment towards me.. 😔😔😔 I can't think properly. What should I do???? Please help and pray for me. Thank you...
I don't know fully your pain but God does and He won't leave you, even through this. I pray that you may be filled with His Holy Spirit for comfort, wisdom, strength, confidence and that God enlightens your way, helps you and send people to help you. You light talk to a pastor/elder in your area or a pastor's wife to obtain help. Be strong, the Lord has not forget you, He can mean for good what the devil meant for evil just like Joseph
@Jane Dela Cruz I am so sorry for what you have experienced and continue to suffer through. While I don't know that I'm qualified to give you advice, I do want you to know that you can forgive from a distance. I'm not sure if you live with or near your father, but it is good and ok to put physical and relationship boundaries in place. Remove yourself from his access if at all possible. Books like Boundaries by Henry Cloud & John Townsend or Toxic People by Lillian Glass help explain how and why healthy boundaries must be established. They can change everything. We honor the Lord when we don't allow sin to continue, even sin against us. Common church practice is to pat you on the back and encourage you to suffer well. This is NOT what you will find in the Bible. Yes, we must face trials and persecution at times and honor the Lord through it. Abuse at the hands of your father is an abomination that you must not allow to continue. If you can remove yourself from the equation, you can begin to heal and you can give your father an opportunity to repent. If you cannot remove yourself from the situation, seek wisdom and practical help from trustworthy friends, family, or local domestic violence shelters. Saying a prayer for you and for your father now
I'm so sorry for the pain you've suffered in your life. Your 25 year old now, and it is true God want us to have a forgiving heart and show forgiveness but that doesn't mean God wants us to be in an environment harmful to us. God doesn't want you to be subjected to this violence. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to allow this in your life. You can remove yourself from that environment and have a minimised relationship with your father and have forgiveness in your heart towards him and pray he changes. Pray ask God to help your situation and to take you out of the environment if it's Gods will. You are strong and we don't always realise why God puts us with the families we have but he always have a purpose. You need to remove yourself from your father,draw close to Jesus and ask him to direct you. I'll pray for you. God loves you dnt let this effect your relationship with God. The enemy would want nothing else. In Jesus name, God bring you peace. 🙏
Jane Dela Cruz Same . I’m also born in a terrible family ... it is always physical ... but I’ve never been taken to the hospital though . I’m so sorry for you sister . God sees us and our pain . I know that . 1 Peter 5:7 NKJV 7 casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
You are a truly remarkable woman who deserves to be in a relationship where you feel safe, respected, appreciated, and trusted on a daily basis. You deserve to have your emotional needs and wants to meet consistently. You wholeheartedly deserve to be surprised with random romantic gestures which make you feel sincerely cherished and loved. You deserve to come home each and every day, knowing that you are always safe and appreciated. You will be able to discuss what’s going in your mind with your partner without worrying about what his reaction might be. You will be once in a while showered with physical affection in the form of reassuring hugs and sweet kisses. You will be able to know that he will be there for you, no matter what happens and vice versa. You will share spontaneous laughs with him as well as find him to be a shelter where you can share unspoken tears. ❤ Stay extraordinary, my lovelies!
This broke my heart because I don't have this and it tells me that this is supposed to be what a marriage is about.I tell my husband this and he tells me that this kind of love is a "fairytale".It's just another abusive lie.I know this kind of love is out there.
Abuse is a pattern developed, often from being raised in an abusive situation. It may not only be from families but from society, education, etc. as well. I am dealing with this living in a different culture. It's an abusive culture and very shocking for me. Hard to overturn this.
This describes my home. My husband is the senior pastor. His leadership is aware and refuses to disciple him or speak with us. He even speaks at conferences about marriage. I was told to not come back to the church if I told what was going on. I attend another bible believing church. Many people have talked to him about his heart issue but he refuses to listen. So I have to let him go to the far country and allow God to disciple him. The hard part is maintaining peace in my home because he causes lots of confusion, disorder and negative feelings in the environment by his antagonist ways . There is no accountability. I never know when to expect him home. I can not leave voice messages on his phone. He goes out of town and I have no flight, hotel information. If I ask, I am told he does not have to tell me anything. What do I do?
You can file a legal separation. Don’t let the church or your husband intimidate you. If you want email me at Tinkerginamama@gmail.com. I am studying to become a counselor for narcissistic abuse. I will talk to you by phone and help you. I have a very similar experience. You can get out of this situation. I will pray for you! I am a born again believer and survivor of abuse! Sending you and your children love in Christ and lifting you up in prayer. Stay strong sister! 🙏🏻😇
Have you spoken to Pastors or Counselors in the church that you are now attending? If not, that is a suggestion. If that is not an option get in touch with Focus on The Family. They have good Counselors and sound advice or find The Christian Counselor Association. Watch the videos on You Tube The Emotionally Destructive Marriage Leslie Vernik. Hoping for all the best for you.
am in an abusive relationship 23 years now and i kept taking abuse til i get anxiety and panic attacks now i am so afraid and i want a way out but afraid he keeps moving like he mentally ill comes with a pity voice and behaviour and even my big son have anger issues things are terrible can you help me how to get out in a mentally strong way i always loved my family more than myself
If you didn't leave already, call the police to help you and your children get to a domestic violence shelter safely. They cannot tell your husband where you are. I left the whole state to get away from someone abusive. A shelter in San Diego . California will help put you in a nice home of your own if you do their program ...3 -6 months time.
Get out but but be silent about it to them & I really ( from my own experience & many many similar stories of others : don’t call the police unless you have at the least, evidence of enough abuse that they see very clearly no doubt in their mind to arrest him -honestly I don’t recommend it as your first resort. ESPECIALLY if the abuser shows no signs of being dangerous & IF HE IS ANY TYPE OF COVERT MANIPULATOR , the police WILL believe him and sadly most people including the church leaders, and the justice system , etc. I pray you are safe and free as I see this is from a year ago I pray that you will find healing & safety and ultimately freedom from all the trauma & scars : Gods Providence in my life led me to HIMself & everything , everyone, every resource, church, sisters in Christ, therapy , etc that I needed & guarded me & saved me from all things & in the hurt, the injustice, the bitterness, and all the lingering long lasting effects : God has either delivered me from completely, is still healing me slowly yet progressively so over time in significant ways that I never could find in any type of therapy (i pray you find therapy that is qualified & even more so, a follower of Christ who is well educated and has empathy & validated every bit of what you’ve went through & helps, never hurts. Be wise and discerning who you choose ) I still have a long way to go & though I don’t know the how when and how long of complete healing if ever ( mostly brain trauma from extreme psychological manipulation gaslighting & brainwashing is what bothers me the most & seems to not improve as fast as my heart and emotions & other triggers ) HE truly does give joy in the suffering & teaching me even more about lament , & desire to give it all to HIM in prayer as many times a day as soon as I feel or notice it , & I know in the end, God is the one who I can trust & He satisfies and restores my soul Seek HIM & trust HIM -ask HIM to help you see HIS Providence & know HE seeks us even more sometimes as HE did me He sought me out, picked me up, stopped me in my delusions to stay ,in my own road to destruction of how I began to cope , & he led me to HIMSELF, saved me, from not just the situation, but from my own self destruction , led me to the truth of the gospel, the truth of Who HE is, carried me through the deepest darkest valleys & injustice , as well as he also delivered my children from abuse & restored our hurt from separation anxiety , and from emotional trauma and all of its effects -It’s not perfect and I know I need more help and healing but HE DID ultimately bring justice and peace as far as it can be with the abuser( not reconciliation in which I have any relationship with except to co parent effectively for our children -God giving me discernment in knowing I can’t ultimately trust the abuser but freedom in forgiveness & no bitterness, no more crazy stalking from him, no more court, no threats , no violence, no more PTSD or triggers that result in hurting others & falling into his snares like I did before -God did it all & stills does God will save you. I pray he will comfort you in all your affliction , deliver you into safety , heal you & provide all that you could need and more
I went to my pastor, he sided with my husband, who apparently had had many conversations with the pastor that I was not a part of. I believe that he lied to and manipulated the pastor to diminish/erase his sins against me, and list my reactions to his ongoing, 12 years of abuse towards me, as the only”sin” in the picture. Then, I watched him (in out last meeting with that pastor)!lie to that pastor’s face, and put on a tear-filled ACT of saying he loved me. I told that pastor in that meeting that my spouse was guilty of gross sin, that had to be dealt with, and that pastor told me “I know what gross sin is, and he is not doing that.” So I not only had to leave my husband, I had to leave that church in order to get help.
Greetings. I hope everyone's reading this in peaceful spirits. I do not know if this will reach anyone yet but I'd really need advices from my fellow Christians. So I've been living in an abusive household with little to no happiness at all, although I do admit that God provided me with enough food, clothes, knowledge and so on! I am truly grateful that he's still looking after me. It's sad though that everytime he brightens up my day, it has to be ruined by one and only parent. My father's the cause of our family's state. He's been emotionally abusing me and my mother. I do not know.. if he has been physical with her but there's a chance.. Everytime he's back home we feel more tense, literally anything we do could be a trigger to his anger issues. We both do our best to fulfill our role as a good wife and a good child, but it's been too much.. She cant visit her own family without his permission just because he doesnt like them. And that for no reason, even i cant visit them. He'd only allow me to visit his. Me and my mom cant talk freely to eachother because he gets jealous and immediatly tells me to leave at some point. Everytime he has the chance, he insults us, forcing his opinions on us. Like- if I dont behave the way he wants, ill be a bad wife in the future and ill be insulted by my husband and his family. That ill be an awful woman for him, which I know, is false, because God wont allow that, but it hurts. I cant even visit my mother's workplace even though her coworkers said it was okey and loved me back. Even when they invited me for events, dad would say no. Its been going on for more than 10 years. And because of that i've grown to have depression, social anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I do not know what to do anymore...im struggling between God's will and the urge to to leave the house with my mother. Please tell me, how to stop this unbearable cycle filled with pain and misery?
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
I am so sorry for the abuse you and your mom have suffered at the hands of your father. Please call the DV helpline for support. Emotional abuse is very real and yes living with an abuser often causes significant and severe illness in those living with and interacting with the abuser.
Please look up on youtube or their websites... Gretchen Baskerville, Natalie Hoffman, Leslie Vernick, Sarah McDougal or Joy Forrest... the names of advocates and women supporting Christian women in or who have escaped destructive (abusive) relationships.
@@Ruby-du8qu hello, I am sorry for the late reply.. I just noticed since I once again was looking for some advice on the internet. I am honestly of calling any source of help since I am a minor and it might cause problems for me and my mother.. I don't know what happens after this. I am scared.
My father is a selfish pig. He teaches us to idolize him and fear him as if he were God. He thinks that he's better than everyone else because he owns a nice house and makes more money than others. He thinks that I'm ungrateful because I happen to see his arrogance. He thinks that his rage and foolishness is my fault. He thinks I'm the one that causes problems when it's all his fault. He thinks that me and my siblings are his slaves because we happen to have been born by him. He says that I don't have gratitude when it's him who doesn't. It's him who doesn't appreciate us. I doubt he doesn't appreciate anything. And he's a liar for trying to convince us that he's God. He's a liar for making us be afraid.
I was this abusive husband. And I profess to be a Christian but I was incapable of compromise and would just bear down on my family because I thought I was doing what was right. I thought I was leading in a godly way even if I had to yell about it. I destroyed my wife’s confidence, self esteem and happiness and she divorced me without a conversation about it. I hated myself and my behavior but I had no idea how to stop. Had I given my behavior the thought I have now, with substantial corrective counseling I would have NEVER continued to do it. I regret what I did every single day of my life since the separation and divorce (it’s been 2 years) and I will never be able to forgive myself for tearing my family apart. I’ve since stopped hating myself and being horrible to myself and that has helped me control my anger. I haven’t yet learned how to forgive myself and I’m praying God shows that to me in time.
My husband is actually a verbal abuser, he criticize everything, call me idiot, put me down, breaking down my confidence, I have reach a point where I don't react to him, I don't show him love just don't care about him anymore. We are both christian, when I want to sanctify myself he just pull me back. I feel like his my greatest stumbling block in my walk with God. When I am fasting he would make me angry, and I would just feel bitter, sad and cannot continue fasting with such feelings on my heart as it is sin it's just horrible, The anger makes me rebellious and unsubmissive and this marriage is destroying my spiritual life...i want to live separately but I fear God.
@@christiancommunityclub762 look after yourself, Little Dove! Of course you don't feel close to your husband..by criticizing and putting you down,he has destroyed any bond between you. That is his fault! Surround yourself with nice things... flowers from your garden, play soft music..he can't come near you now,as he has lost those privileges. That is for him to deal with. It's not your problem! And if he did want to make amends,he is more than capable of doing so. Walk with God, and stay close to Him instead. Be pleasant and polite to your husband,as much as you can. Speak up if you need to. And then go on with your life, and look to God to provide for your needs.
Thank you for owning up to your behaviour, Aaron! It is unfortunate that it quite often takes hitting rock bottom before we change our ways. And sometimes it's only at this point, that men who abuse will realize that they went too far. At least now you have the chance to become the person that God called you to be. Blessings to you on your journey!
@@christiancommunityclub762 God sees and he loves you very much; you are his daughter. I am sorry for what you are experiencing. I just said a prayer for you. God bless.
@desiringgod where is your topic extending this into physical and sexual abuse in marriage? I'm noticing more and more how much we as evangelicals are not bold in speaking on this.
My soon To be ex husband of 26 years was much smarter than to show obvious external evil. No bad words. He did however use the scriptures to control, oppress and manipulate me until my mental and physical health has began to fail me. I had to Run
My father a pastor, *is* the emotionally and verbally abusive one. My older brother successfully ran away at 16 because of him and doesn’t have much of anything to do with him. My younger brother (who doesn’t live at home) won’t tolerate any verbal abuse from him & will tell him off. I’ve seen him being verbally abusive to my mother & I had to tell him off a couple of years ago after I realized that he has a pattern of abuse with me. He treats the members of his church & others very well though. I am being asked by him to move back into the home to take care of he & my mother. Hopefully his behaviour will change because if not he *will* suffer the consequences. Is this man going to heaven? Probably not. 🇨🇦
I am sorry for the emotional and verbal abuse you and your family experienced by your father. Abusers rarely change, usually because they cannot or choose not to the extremely hard work required to become healthy. If you return to your family home, please have a safety plan in place (for your emotional and verbal safety as well as physical safety).
My husband of 30 years of marriage is getting worse, he controls all the money even disability pension. Everything is in his name. He has chased me out of the house at night me in my nightly shouting at me. He has told me to get out many times. If l bring things up he turns it back on me. Ten years ago he just packed up everything of his and moved into the other bedroom. He has been so nasty l have left the house and driven around till dark then got up the next day early and then the next ...for days. He is an elder in our church. I only just told my son.....the thing is he believed me. My christain doctor told me to leave.
I just remind my mom how evil she’s speaking to me and that she’s not right, it feels good saying it out-loud and really it’s just to keep me calm cause she doesn’t care 💀
Thank you for explaining so clearly, pastor John, how you don't understand abuse at all. Abusers isolate their victims first and foremost. The ignorance on this topic is unnacceptable. The problem is that most pastors don't know the difference between a demonic Pharisee and a Christian. When I meet abused women now, I tell them to stay away from church and read their Bibles because the suffering caused by the church makes abuse way worse and it is only the truth that can set them free. On the other hand, abusers love church. There will be a day of reckoning for all those men who refuse to protect the oppressed and vulnerable because of their worship of their marriage idol. God's soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.
This sounds all well and good, but when you have a spouse who is an expert manipulator and liar, and who has been talking bad about you to everyone behind your back that by the time you figure out you are in an emotionally damaging marriage that spouse has already turned everyone has turned against you…. Yeah.
What about the kids? Wouldn't it be great to address the issues of severe emotional, physical, and mental neglect, gender abuse, physical abuse, older sibling physical and sexual abuse, parental sexual abuse, emotional abuse , abandonment, and verbal abuse all compounded in one childhood. For those of us who have had to live the gamut of these constant experiences, there is no help whatsoever. Just the two is just scratching the surface as far as I am concerned. My experience with what I referred to as "hateful christians" is nothing but cold, callous, disregard. I don't believe in christians or that they have the capacity to care for anyone beyond their own families. I've never seen or experienced one ounce of compassion from a "christian" and they just make the Lord look bad in comparing themselves with what they cannot even remotely emulate by calling themselves "christians". And of course no pastors will even address these subjects other than to say forgive. They are great at telling you what you've already read in the bible but can't tell you the "how" of forgiveness in these extreme instances because they haven't a clue from personal experience and are void of the Holy Spirit's input or leading and therefore engage in utter disregard for lack of empathy or compassion. They haven't a care how decimated you are by these experiences and ignore you in the hope you will go away. They are experts at throwing back the fish which have jumped into their boat, so my final conclusion is, don't call yourself a christian if you can't act like Him. Written by sincerely, not a christian cause I'm not a wanna be pretender.
Incorporate information from Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" Super, super important. Women statistically are more likely to be suicidal with verbal abuse than physical abuse.
Hmmm, this seems more directed towards husbands and wives. How about from parent to child. The child is dependent on the parent for food and shelter and to leave this abusive r/s, he or she has nowhere to go. And in front of friends, the parent says good things but at home, she changes her attitude and becomes mean. I do understand that it seems that the parent is living in brokenness, not experiencing the true transformation and forgiveness of God and lashing out on the child that perhaps remind her of her terrible ex-husband. But thanks for the Bible verses that have brought comfort. :)
Joy Loke. I understand what you say. That is my story. Both my parents are emotional and psychologically abusive. Just like you said, there was nowhere to go... Until I met Jesus. He has been healing me, filling me with his joy and even through my parents are still behaving the same way, the Lord has given me peace and has taught me wisdom to deal with their behavior and protect myself from harm. There is a way. He can make victims of this type of abuse heal and lead good lives.
@@paulagonzalez1721 My mom never pursued a proper relationship with me. When she and Dad had a good marriage, she was displeased with me. Saw me as Dad 2.0 for educational choices for college, for starters. Neither of my parents acknowledges ruining the marriage. Neither has repented, either. Mom has refused multiple times in the past year to apologize for sin as my mom. I finally got out of her home in November 2018 and just recently made the painful decision to do as she has long wanted: let her be. Spiritual, verbal, and emotional abuse by both of my parents, and by Dad toward all of us. Only God knows the full scale of everyone's responsibility.
Daniel, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It is a very ubique kind of pain. I'm glad you're out of the home. That is the only way we can keep our sanity. May God have mercy on them for their behavior. We can only wish them well.
If you are in an emotional abusive relationship, please get out.there are so many dynamics that are in play you cannot begin to change this person. Please save yourself a lot of pain and your emotional pain. you must realize that you cannot change this person. Look forward to more communication with you and all who are on this forum. In Christ Lisa
@@lisamcmanamay8436 : I thought my ex was changing ...then he developed a bad habit of cussing at my son and I. Why didn't he do this the first week I met him? He waited until I was emotionally invested and after I did kind things for him. It just shows that abusers and narcissists can control their bad , mean , evil ... manipulative behavior
Most every woman I know has been abused or is being abused. Unfortunately some men just don't understand that it's not acceptable to treat one's wife poorly.
I am wondering if it is a generational thing... Many men between the ages of 50- 70, seem to be highly narcissistic . I am wondering if it is the TV programmes and popular music of the 70s and 80s that contributed to this trend... the alpha male action heroes, such as James Bond and their shallow treatment of women. The gentlemanly manners of previous generations seemed to go out the window.(Not that everything was always rosy in earlier times.)
That is a shameful state of affairs, don't you think? TBH, I am learning that they DO know it's not right to be abusive... that's exactly why they do it behind closed doors! But "the truth shall set us free." More education, awareness and a zero-tolerance policy for abuse, will effect the change that's needed!
Watch what they do. Are they worldly professing Christians or do they love God and feel miserable when it comes to sin. Most of these abusive husbands rely on wordly definitions of leadership
How i need to do if the one that verbally abusive is my own mother? She's constantly swift between anger, guilt tripping me sorry and sometimes physical violence. I tired to always understanding her
I have an abusive father as well, when I was a child he was physically abusive, when I grew up he became verbally abusive.He never hesitates to curse and use foul language, he is cunning and greedy, and had even cheated on my mother before yet she was quiet and did not want to end the marriage, he hit my mother many times, he often starts the fights, he had even beaten my mother when she was pregnant with me, and he admitted that just recently during a fight, I remember one day he threw a jar of pickle at my mother and she bled near her nose but he continued to attack her, just a few days ago he crossed all the limits yelling at me and my mother calling us filthy names and threatened to kill her 3 times by cutting her to pieces and throwing her off the balcony and he even persecuted us for praying to Jesus calling us hypocrites, we have decided to leave his house which he asked us to do many times, we were with him for over 30 years through thick and thin, we just can't take it anymore because its painful and distressing 😔
Im sorry Reginald. Nobody should have to go through that type of stuff. Hes probably demonized and possessed. Id say get out of the situation and pray for him from afar.
Same, My father beat my mother when she was pregnant to my big brother. My mother was bleeding to the point where her whole face is full of blood. My mother call the cops on him. And he got arrest. After he got out of Jail. My father ask forgiveness to my mother. My mother forgave him. But still he always say “Shut up or I’ll beat break your nose if you don’t do want I say”. My father try’s to make drama that are not serious. He try to amuse or make an excuse what my mother does that way he has a reason to beat her. I do not know why my mother is still with him but my brother and I swear to keep my father hands away from my mother at all time. It’s hard, he even claims that he is Christian but still wants to beat my mother. I do not know if he truly has Jesus in his heart. But I forgive my father, but I will not allow him to touch mother. Forgive me lord if I put my hands on my father. I will try my best not to.
We are of Light. I say give permission to your husband or wife to tell anyone any true thing of you. Sure, ask to be spared embarrassments but ask not to, by secrecy, be spared shame. Let our love lived in Christ Jesus spare us shame; let us do rightfullness in His eyes. If our shame is spared by secrets and darkness, such shame is in Truth not spared at all; it is additional shame covering the first. Let's not be deaf to Jesus, let us not fall so short. Do right, in Light; I believe this is the only choice. I believe in Jesus Christ.
Am at my witts end my husband has isolated me from everyone that cares about me or would be my friend. (only allowed to be friends with those he is friends with. Have lived the last 9 years off grid with him and my sons as the only female. I have felt that I must remain in my room outside of cooking and the once or twice a month going into town. Thing is that I am trying to retain my commitment of marriage to him. My middle son is the only child still living in our home and does not allow any moment for I and husband to be alone or to ever speak just amoung ourselves. I live with all of this not happy but surivive it. Then well trapped on the freeway in a vechile they both stayed again with the vebal abuse which although hurtful am use too. Till my son out and out punched me and hubby blamed be for insighting him. What am I to do plz?
kind of annoyed at your older video about abuse Pastor. You said a woman should endure verbal abuse for a season?? How is an abusive man a christian man?? She should really be helped to leave not be helped to endure!!! There are many men in church who take their “authority” as dictatorship, and this includes church leaders.
An abusive man is not a Christian man, we know them by their fruits. This is heartbreaking. So called Christian abusive men that continually abuse, are showing that they are unrepentant and practically should be separated from the home. If truly repentant come back with Fruit worthy of repentance. The problem is these men don't want to leave, take accountability , acknowledge that they are being an abuser and thus continuing the abuse AND not seeking to change. This is worse than an unbeliever because they carry the name of a Christian but blaspheme the word of God vs. an unbeliever who is abusive but also doesn't know the word at all.
I need help, if anyone has the time and willingness to... help please. My female cousin has been married for almost 20 years. She’s married to a non believer and together they share 4 children. Husband wanted wife to stay home and take care of the kids, she has done so. He is very controlling, emotionally abusive and very verbally cruel. He’s not hit her physically, yet she feels beat up on the inside. He also refuses to correct the children and they show serious disrespect to their Mother. He’s unwilling to listen to any of her ideas about budgeting or saving money. He has worked and financially taken care of the family all these years, he has not cheated, done drugs, or anything like that. She feels as if God is calling her to grow closer with Him. She finally separated from her husband, yet doesn’t want to displease God. We talk daily and I feel terrible for her and the situation she’s in. I’m still new in my walk with Christ, so idk what to tell her. She’s looking for help in what to do. Anyone have any thoughts? They’d be very much appreciated. Thank you so very much!
First, let me say I am praying for you all! I hope that that is your first course of action as well!!! It is amazing she was willing to separate, hopefully the husband will then see that there are serious consequences for his actions! Does she have access to Biblical counseling? Fast and seek the Lord in His Word: meditate on who God is: All-Powerful, All-Knowing, yet Loving Father, Provider, Protector, etc. As we Magnify God, then we can better see our issues through His perspective! Affirm God's goodness and care to her and the children! Pray with them, and even pray for God to work in the melting the husband's "heart of stone". If you are on FB, you can send me message on Messenger. I look forward to hearing from you.
Marti Gresham thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate your advice. I’ve been praying for them both and it actually looks like things are beginning to turn around for them. They have found very nice biblical counselors and it’s looking promising. I’m still praying that Matt (the husband) will be saved, that his heart will be softened and eyes will be open. The more I speak with Misty (the wife) the more she’s willing to see where she can make changes as well. Our God is so amazing! I do not have Facebook, but I can send you a friend request on RU-vid. I’ve seen the power God has, He has helped me get & stay clean from heroin for three years now. I truly appreciate your advice and your prayers & encouragement! Thank you so much. May God bless you and your family. 😊
@@nunyabidnazz2311, this may not be the best way to get help, but I'm sure it is always good to gain another voice of encouragement in your walk with the Lord through this trying world! I've adding you and their names to my prayer book and I know God will wonderful things in your lives! I'm not sure how to use Youtude friends, but if your invite notice gets to me - I will try to reply🙏😆😊. Love and prayers!!!
My wife had an affair , she’s 47 and we have a 12 yo daughter.. she’s become angry and cursed and breaks things and hates me ... All because I tell her I forgive her and want to save our marriage ... we are both Christians and I can’t understand how she fell into this darkness - I’m praying a lot as I think it’s demonic influence to always be angry and hate me and it for affair partner over a Marriage and family and her home She says I hope I die, mommas boy, pussy, dick, fucker , just horrible things to me ..
My ex did the same to me. He started calling my son pansy , slapped my child in the face , called me a female dog , especially after I was nice to him. Let mentally ill people go. Only God can turn their hearts around. The children don't need to be exposed to it.
I JUST NEED REAL CHRISTIAN HELP RIGHT NOW!! I WASNT RAISED IN CHURCH MY PARENT WERE AND MY HUSBAND OF 22/18 YRS HAS BEEN. I JUST KNOW OF GOD FROM GOD HIMSELF I GUESS. IVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MYSELF CLOSER TO GOD EVERYDAY THRU RESEARCH...I WAS BORN IN 1982 IN CHRISTIAN COUNTY ON ANGEL ROAD...DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK THIS IS WAY MORE THAN JUST COINCIDENTAL?! SOMEONE PLEASE READ THIS AND PLEASE HELP ME😭😭😭
Are you ok Stacy? If you are being abused ...get up and leave. No-one has the right to verbally, mentally or emotionally abuse you or your kids. God will give you the internal strength! Pray first and take a leap of faith..you can protect yourself from someone trying to attack you as well. There are domestic violence shelters you can go to while you figure out your next step. Sometimes the shelter will put you in permanent housing and help you get on your feet.
What if loyalty to the spouse is defined as suffer under my sinful behaviors as do nothing to address them. "It is your job as a wife to cover my sin, because that is what love does."
That end speech about being able to talk to someone about your marriage is so incredibly sick twisted and dark. That's terrible advice, your and marriage should not be that bleak, dear God get help.
I don’t understand the women are to be treated as Christ treats the church. Try to understand each other ? Not get angry cause they are not saying what you want, just ask in a nice way. How can men women pray together or best friends , but kill be jellous name call be little , yet go to church as nothings happened. Where’s the best friends fit in, or Christian fit in, it dont
I think God just wants us to die to self and endure it. A lot of the time you can’t leave the home. God doesn’t help until you obey him and suffer through. He doesn’t care about your feelings unless you obey Him.
I totally disagree with you. I'm not siding with living in disobedience to God at all but He cares about our feelings ALWAYS. Remember, we were still sinners when Jesus died for us. I don't understand the "suffer through" message. God is love. He surely won't feel comfortable watching us "suffer through" abuse. That's why He makes a way of escape. The escape can be God breaking the abuser and turning him/her around. Or any other way He sees fit.
Aniedoabasi Blessing Umana amen, I do believe He provides an answer or way of escape however that is after we have already suffered a little while. God allows every season for a purpose.
The ignorance, your advice couldn’t be any more unbiblical. Please get into Scripture before you decided to give any kind of advice on this topic and with your mindset I would go as far to say any topic.
GamingWithChrisYt I believe that He makes himself available for us to cast our anxieties on Him and seek Him as our refuge in hard times but He doesn’t necessarily take the cause of our pain away as soon as we want. Usually He allows us to be put in those situations because there is something deeper He is trying to reveal to us. There is a purpose for our pain but He doesn’t change the situation because we don’t like it, He May change the situation after we have learned what He has tried to show us.
Aniedoabasi Blessing Umana also, God ORDAINED the abuse. Supposedly for His good and perfect will. He ordained satanic ritual abuse, child abuse, abusive relationships, rape, all of it.
That approach is the first one… after that boundaries are the next with an exit out the door. That behavior is not a marriage. One is usually the rational one the other needs to be disciplined and counseled.
John Piper, you are dangerously ignorant on the subject of abuse. You may be highly qualified to teach/speak on numerous things. But your teaching on abuse exhibits a horrendous lack of understanding. Dangerous and harmful. Just bad teaching, not God's heart, it's yours. Stop it! Ask counselors who are qualified in this, they will tell you the same.
Anger in moderation is better than weak, passive fathers and husbands. My dad beat me excessively, but it did more good than harm. Cowards and wimps are bad. Children need paddling
