My mother has done this to me my whole life. I'm 44 years old and it hasn't gotten any better. I wanna say this for anyone who is younger (in your 20's or 30's) -- It DOES'T get better. GET OUT. Cut her off now! You will NEVER get her approval. She will NEVER get help. She will NEVER admit she even needs help. Cut her out of your life completely at all cost and learn to be the mother to yourself that you always longed for. Don't waste another day trying to improve yourself for her, or trying to improve your relationship with her. IT WILL NOT CHANGE. Best of luck to you. XO
Jea true I. Didn't know it until it was to late. Got sick of it I'm dead u can't do shit only thing is u can run for u self cuz it's no good.. She's evil
I'm 32, I discovered my mom. Is a covert narcissist few months ago. I haven't heard her voice since then (I physically can't), I just exchange a couple of messages every now and then just for pity. I live far and don't tell her anything about me anymore and keep conversation super short, on the practical. I'm very damaged, I'm a 32 year old man but have a lot of relationship issues. I suspect my homosexuality has to do with what she has done to me too.
I got my medical records from childhood and was shocked. My mother told me that I was bipolar and I was actually diagnosed with Parent Child Conflict and Scapegoating Disorder. My life is finally making sense. I'm not crazy or broken. 🙌🏾
This happened to me. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t pin it on her. She tells me either those things didn’t happen or she can’t remember or I am remembering wrong. How are we meant to deal with the horrible tearing feeling inside that these mothers will never believe they did that and basically no one can ever prove it. Then they act so normal you even question whether you are remembering it all correctly? 🤯
I am so sorry this happened to you! I know exactly what you mean in regards to questioning it & not being able to prove it! Narcissists are pros at 'selective amnesia'!
I’m sorry this happened to you. My mom did the same to me and I’m still trying to convince myself everyday there is nothing wrong with me. Im 46 And everyday im struggling doing mental gymnastics everyday trying to convince myself I didn’t imagine it. Now she seems like she has dementia but im not sure it’s not an act. Im im a panic everyday thinking feeling so guilty bc I want to be a normal person and care for her but the thought of having her around me everyday makes my heart feel like it’s coming out of my chest. And nobody gets the evil that’s been done unless they endured it. I thankfully moved from her house after several years of her speaking so bad about me in front of my son. I asked her several times to stop. She just wouldn’t. I didn’t know I was even being abused at that time. I remember I was trying to be respectful so I would only say something back every 10th insult and that would turn into a fight 3 or4 times a day. My son started repeating her insults to me.he even wrote it on his homework. I moved out but now after researching he’s a teenager and very timid . I cried yesterday thinking how I put him in harms way and didn’t know it. Now that o look back I think she was doing little stuff to him since he was a baby. I remember she used to hold him down when he was a baby until he stopped crying or trying to get away. She said she was toughening him up, but now I think it was her abuse. She had my son convinced he had jeuvinille arthritis and couldn’t walk. She had me convinced I was allergic to a long list of foods, mentally unstable and frail. She used to go on and on about how I was sick as a baby and then she even preached a sermon saying my son had cancer
@@Red-hot-sonic-fan oh my God, I am so sorry. Reading this is heartbreaking. I just wanted to comment to say none of this is your fault. She is very clearly a six sick woman. And you did not cause that. And you could not cure that. My mother did the same thing projecting her own mental illness, and physical sicknesses onto me. She was determined that I be as miserable as she is. She has lung cancer now and is dying. And still, she wants to manipulate me in the sickest of ways. It’s draining. and so impossible for people to understand that have never been through it.
I once, days after having my second child, overheard my mother calling one of her friends and telling her friend I was diagnosed with something that should prevent me from having more children. She was horrified when I walked in on her conversation but never apologized for lying . Much more recently--Mom’s now in her 80s-- she has had herself taken to the ER three times by me or someone else. She is notably healthy… confirmed by all docs and tests, and at least once admitted to the staff at her independent living home that she didn’t really want to go to the hospital…. It was all to get my attention (our relationship was/is strained … because i FINALLY got fed up bending over backwards to please her only to be told nothing was ever good enough.). Thank you for your video!
This didn't happen to me, but listening to you describe it, I recognized the dynamic so deeply that it almost felt like it did happen to me. It's getting close to some very painful memories. When I was growing up, the person with the medical/psychological problems was always my mother: she demanded to be catered to for her problems at all times, and she used her experience in the medical and mental health system to reinforce that reality. I couldn't live up to her expectations for care, so in her eyes I was usually defective in some way, but she did not pursue attempts to get me diagnosed very strongly. I think she would have seen that as a distraction from the pity she demanded for herself. Instead I was uncaring, unloving, "just like your father" (i.e., the worst person in her life), selfish, lazy, etc. And she certainly used that evaluation to garner pity for herself by making others think there was something wrong with me. It's hard to say how well that worked. Sometimes it did, but I think most people in her life knew she was a basket case and had learned not to believe most of what she said. But still, it's not clear to me. When she died, a couple of her sisters (who, like everyone in her family, also had mental health problems) told me they knew how bad she was. They made it sound like they had felt sorry for me, which of course had never helped me at all when I was a kid.
1. My mother used to say I was on drugs when literally everyone else around her said "noooo, it's puberty and teenage hormones". My mother apparently had never been around people before or something. 2. My mother to this day uses her illnesses for sympathy. There is forever something physically wrong with her and it's been like this for decades. Her latest husband found this out the hard way because she would tell me that he gets mad at her sitting around and watching TV all day. They go places. But if it's not running errands, she's anchored in front of that TV, which is how I grew up seeing her. And as they say, use it or lose it. She chose not to do much physical activity in her life, so her muscles said "buh bye".
ps, I think my mother has the opposite of munchausens by proxy though. She is so triggered by any of us being ill. We're all adults, the ''children'' are middle aged but even now if we were ill, we'd be told we were hypochondriacs. When I was a teenager, she threw out a box of feminax I'd bought for period pain as they're bad for you. She didn't care that I was in pain. Nobody BUT HER can ever have an ailment. And if she is sick I must show her a lot of sympathy. I'm not trying to fix things anymore. Mother's day here in Ireland. She doesn't miss me I don't think.
Oh, you are my age. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm telling you what to do. My heart just goes out to you. The reason some of them can't stand that others are sick is because it takes away from the attention she will receive and or if you or your dad are sick, who's gonna take care of her. Either way they feel so alone and vulnerable if it's not about them. At least that's been my experience.
Nobody BUT HER can ever have an ailment. THIS. when i was diagnosed with MS, i had other family members saying, 'there's so such thing as MS really, sure there's not? doctors just say that when they dunno what else to say.' i ignore mother's day now.
My mother has labelled me excessively and incessantly but not physical illness. She hasn't told people I have bi=polar I don't think, but she's told everybody I'm angry, sensitive, paranoid, entitled, ungrateful, detached from reality. You name it. I just tried to ask her to stop labelling me, and she was so hurt, she gave me the silent treatment. She has put so much energy in to *discrediting* me and no effort in to listening to me. She's talked about me but not me. and it is a horrible situation!!! Interestingly (?) my dad is not allowed to be ill. It really annoys her if he has a headache or whatever, she mocks him for taking a nurofen but he still backs her up 100%.
Arh... I'm so sorry. That is so hard. It's taking me SO long to realize my mom's manipulation tactics... Nothing will work. The only thing that has helped me is for me to SEE it and KNOW she is wrong because the worst was believing the things she said. I'm still uncovering what else I've believed that is not true but that she says to get what she wants. About other people... I don't know how old you are, but if you have "private" conversations with them and tell them what's going on, you might be surprised how much it will help and you might even get some support. Your dad is probably in deeper than you, so I would be careful what you say to him. I don't know if you are young and might get punished, but telling others what's going on will help you. Don't let it be a family secret. As long as you are kind and good to others, they'll see that you are not what your mom says. I flat out now say to mine "no, there's nothing wrong with me, you gotta deal with your feelings" and I keep doing what I was going to do (which breaks my heart), but she's older and depends on me now so she's had to accept that. The most important thing is to pray. Never underestimate God. I hope you don't get to be my age before you find peace with this. My heart goes out to you. 💓
Thank you so much for these video. Yes I was put on anti depressants and medication at a young age, taken for mental health assessments etc. Mother had an abusive childhood, my sister and I isolated with her as she was a single parent. Sister and I both coming to terms with our super strange childhood that has impacted our whole lives. She's not able to admit or talk about the fact that she needs / needed help and is has no self awareness at all. I feel empathy for her as it was not her fault this childhood. But at the same time am putting off calling her as its such a negative and mind warping experience! She doesn't really want to be alone but at the same time has cut herself off socially, even absolutely furious a neighbour knocked on the door and invited her to a street party "Why would they think I want to sit with THEM!". Determined to keep working on myself to be the best possible parent for my children , better me for their wonderful Dad , and for myself to experience a more joyous life and be fully present with others .
Thank goodness for such a clear insight into my life. I cried all the way through with the relief that this is a thing, and has happened to others, and it is not just me.
My mum would get me worked up & raised as a kid and teenager then say why are you speaking like that when I tried to stick up for myself. I would try to mentally & emotionally escape through self destructive behavior all before I was 18 then went to Australia when I was 19 she still phoned me drunk there was no escaping her. That's only the pinhead of a needle of the stuff she did over the years. All these years later she is still at it. I brought the doctor to her home as she is refusing to put on heat and refusing medical attention. She tried to shame & discredit me in front of the doctor and was verbally abusive. I am done. Time to heal. ❤
This is happening to a member in our family. The person that is being said that she is mentally ill it's actually the reverse. It's the mother who is mentally ill. It's awful. I came here looking for some answers and you nailed it on the head. That is exactly what's happening and giving this person an excuse to neglect and abuse her child. It's cruel and so unfair. The grown child has really unhealthy responses to the manipulation. I am not willing to play those games. I was able to get out of it myself and get healing in the Lord Jesus and I'm not going to buy back into those games.
I was labeled mentally ill as an excuse not to treat birth defects and a neurological disorder. I was supposedly walking funny as an act for attention because I was just crazy
This is exactly what my mother did to me my whole life and still even now she still tries to convince any and everyone things that make no sense are wrong with me that don’t even closely match reality the irony is only things I’m diagnosed with is CPtsd (well ptsd bc cptsd isn’t a diagnosis yet but my dr is sure that’s what I have after treating me for a decade )and substance use disorder (which I’m in my 7th year of recovery from) and I’m positive those are from being raised by a covert narc mom she did the same to my son which I’m working on getting him healed as best I can! I am currently halfway through school for mental health and substance use recovery hoping to specialize in narcissism so I can help others!!
Well done for being in recovery Christina! CPTSD is an actual diagnosis in the ICD 11. Shame it isn't in the DSM 5 yet. Keep going, you are doing great!
My mother has Munchaussen's and everything you are saying is accurate. It's so crazy-making. The jealousy is very intense and they convince everyone there is something wrong with you. it destroys your reputation, self-respect, relationships and your health. Believe your gut instinct on ths and do what you need to do for your own wellbeing.
I work with many mothers like this in the school system, who want their children to have special education services. Many of these children don’t really have disabilities, but the mom will push hard and even threaten to sue the school system if they are not found eligible for special education and put in a low functioning classroom.
Have a sibling version. She arrives late to family functions and then takes 15 minutes to hobble inside. Poor her! Hours later she realized she was going to be late to watch Game Of Thrones...and then literally sprinted her 300 lb self out to her car,running past a dozen witnesses. She later said that never happened and it's a conspiracy of 12. Sad,her husband and adult children are trained flying monkeys--always serving her needs at their own risk.
Yes, this is my mother things are making more sense. I am trying to leave my family home and get away. Its taking some time but I am trying not to give up. Most likely no contact but start with ow contact is the plan. She used my mental heath issues as an excuse to continue to abuse and control me and get away with it all. I cannot believe there are mothers like this, but now I do! Really only those who have been with a person or raised by one can fully and truly understand.
When I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism my mother's reaction was "this treatment isen't going to work because they are treating the consequences of the issue and not the issue itself which is your brain. I always knew you weren't normal/you're mental". Also, countless times sick at the hospital telling the doctors what I was feeeling and being interrupted by my mother describing horrible syntomps I did not had like "it started 2:00am" and she ould be like "Three days. She's just embarresed to admit that" and later on she would always explain to me that she had to do that because "if you don't make a scene you don't receive enough drugs to heal quickly and in your cause it's a must because it's umberable to deal with you sick, It's best to just take the drugs and go to sleep". Another point I would like to bring on is actually a question: does anyone with narcissistic mothers experiences emocional manipulation when they get sick? Could this be commun in the narcissist funtionality? I thought the video was about it LOL my experience with my mother is that if she has a cold it's like she has cancer and all the attention must be on her because she could die any minute and if not done so then nobody cares about her, to the point that she can convince anyone to do what she likes and pretend to be sick when totally fine. Over the last years this grew into suicide threats and hunger strikes like "I'm throwing myself down the window, this is too much for me to handle, no one ever does anything for me/I don't matter to anyone" and "I haven't eat anything all day because you went out to have lunch and dinner with friends/date and I don't have the will to eat alone." Also my mother unlearn how to cook, how to use an computer and how to take medication once I became an adult to demand me to take care of her. She looks me dead in the eyes and says "i don't know how to cook" even though she cooked for me as a child or "I don't know how to type on a keyboard" even when she was the one who taugh me that and so on... Does anyone else notices thoses fake needs and fake diseases on their narcissistic mom or this could be something else? Ps: it obvious became unberable to live with her so I went no contact. It's horrible because even though is unlikely that my mother kills herself I still feel like she could just fot the attention and final word. I'm on therapy to deal with the nonsense guilt over that and keep free from her influence.
@ Alexandra Kappke Yes, unfortunately many narcissistic mothers overly dramatise their own illnesses as well and come up with excuses to get their children to cater to their every whim.. I am sorry you have experienced this, as well as your mother not handling your own illnesses appropriately. Hugs to you
Hope so. My parents have said the same “it’s so sad that I made my child sad by staying with my partner, I’m fighting for them though” thing to me my whole life but…. funny it’s always been about them having a redemption/underdog story
It’s so sad and evil to have a mother that plays the victim. My mother persona is a saint and I’m the sick child. I feel nauseated when I think about her narration of me.
Question- do covert narcissist mothers ever use illness the other way around? My mom heavily identifies with the physical ailments she’s had in the past from an accident, and despite being recovered and living a normal life for decades, often brings it up to play the victim/justify bad behavior. Meanwhile, I have a food allergy and she has been known to contaminate my food “by mistake” especially on days that are important in my life. She didn’t step up to the plate and acknowledge my health issues as a child, and I’ve had to work on them myself in adulthood. So, kind of the reverse situation. Is that still covert narcissist behavior?
I'm gonna make my judgment okay? I'm gonna assume that your mom might be using YOUR HEALTH ISSUE as some sort of attention seeking or whatever for her benefits. She will never admit to whoever she's talking to that that "she contaminated your food by mistake". Why do I assume my judgment? If you look down you might see one of my comments from 2 weeks ago or so and if you read it you might understand. I have a disable down syndrome mentally r0tard(had to change the word)brother. He has gout foot attack. As his health care provider I learn and know what to feed him or not to feed him. Mom on the other hand..sometimes she purposely feed him the wrong food to increase or trigger the gout foot attack. Why? Why would mom do this? So she can gossip about it, play victim, get the attentions or whatever WHENEVER she is on the phone with her narc friends. Off topic: There were so many occasion that she "left the oven gas on by mistake" after cleaning the oven. When the house is "gas up" she might act all dramatic about it. Depending on the situation she will laugh it off, giggle, say that it's a mistake and because she's "too mental". Sometimes she will play victim and make it super dramatic. One time I caught her in the act as she was "cleaning the oven". I guess this time she needed her "attention supply" and she got reckless. I was busy washing the dishes and little niece was all over me,"Uncle! I want cookie and cake!". On my right side..the edges of my eye I can see mom looking at us believing that I'm not seeing anything and mom slowly turn on the stove..just to let the gas out. I quickly turn and saw her hand still on the turn. Mom got caught and she laughed..."HEHEHE. Oops" and turn off the stove.
Who is disabled, and trying everything he can to help his family. She has no sign of to help him as far as his family concern. They have a two bedroom apartment, my sister & my brother in law- is doing all they can yo help them.
Instead of helping me after I finally got away from a narc sociopath man (took me 25-30 times) I ended up abused as well as my son (who became her project) by my narc mother. She became a “victim” of me. She gossiped about me constantly and just wanted me to make money at any job to give to her for bills and rent etc. and not actually succeed! she knew I wanted out on my own and had the means to help me but instead she got my son a car several times (he wrecked quite a few) all while driving me around like something was wrong with me. I had a nanny job and she drove me to the child’s practices etc. (I was 35) This is just one of hundreds of things. I know she didn’t owe me but I prob would have been better off not having her “help” I would have figured it out. She tried to convince me I should get on disability when I had/have so many abilities and potential. I once begged her for help to get a place and she paid rent and deposit and it was all because she decided to move “away from me” and closer to my brother. It was punishment. She would never admit that’s but I know what she was doing. She told everyone I abused her because once she kept screaming at me that “she loves me” in the middle of an argument and I slapped her because she NEVER told me that so it was crazy. She told everyone that I’m abusive and somethings wrong with me. I no longer talk to any of my family (except my son who now sees it all) because she has them in her pocket. It breaks my heart to think of all I’ve endured. I’ve had to repent for my own part because I got so bitter with her that I just quit life and “took advantage” I became UNABLE.. waiting hoping for change. Now I’m older and I can’t stand to be around her for long. It’s like we have one shadow . She copies everything I do and now says she can’t step up a curb or walk to trash etc so guess who is doing it all? I still feel like it’s not enough. I’ve spent my entire life trying to get away from her. I feel so isolated. I could go on and on with the shenanigans which she would vehemently deny. I know this is long but I’m sitting at a park because I don’t want to be around her. I’ve forgiven her completely but I am still around her too much. It’s too much. I look like a lowlife who can’t do anything for herself when it’s just not true. I keep hoping she won’t continue on this path where she “can’t walk” because I don’t want to have to take care of her. She talks constantly using examples of others about people’s low life kids who don’t do anything for their mother. She literally brings it up once a day. I’ve been indoctrinated and infiltrated with guilt and it just shuts me down. I want to live and I don’t want to be in her shadow or be responsible for her.
I’m dealing with this at age 48. it’s caused me so much problems many problems I mean I was labelled a difficult child and then now my mother is telling everybody that I am totally mentally ill, and has even written the book. She has said that I have ADH. And said that I was born broken.
Mine used my panic attacks when cornered and yelled at by her to frame me as BPD. I'm a lot of things, but borderline is definitely not one of them. I only recently accepted the fact my mom was this way because out of the two parents she was the far more sane and I owe her a lot, but I'm learning that doesn't negate the harm she's done.
I have 3 diagnosed autistic children and my youngest is awaiting an ADHD and Dyslexia assessment. I'm genuinely worried that anyone would think this is due to wanting attention or sympathy when in reality, their diagnosis has opened up access to help for them in education. I see many similar traits of Autism in myself (especially ones my Daughter shows) and I am awaiting assessment myself. Im worried that Neurodiversity can look like Narcissism
Sadly neurodiversity can be mistaken for narcissism sometimes..but once you get your diagnosis for autism, it will be okay! I wish you and your family all the best!
I am seeing the devastating effect of this disorder on my two beautiful stepsons whose mother continues to make up diagnoses for them - unfounded - for attention, sympathy, and government benefits. She has alienated everyone around her through her pathological lying, although continues to manipulate these poor boys. It is abuse of the worst kind.
so, this is me. im 25 years old and all my life i've been brainwashed and forced to go in therapy and psychiatrist (only me), and got a BPD diagnosis. now im feeling like awaking from a big lie. my mom was the problem, not me. moving out of their home was a battle, and she keep telling me that I was gonna die and got a overdose or something and that I had pills to take. when in reality there was nothing wrong going on, I just wanted to escape from the abuse. this is a hard trut but also freeing. because im not actually weak, problematic and drunk. I am a survivor, and that changes it all.
This is so interesting. My partner who has suspected ADHD (and I’m my opinion is covert NPD) is concerned about the mental well-being of our 6 year old daughter. My Partners buying books relating to child psychiatry and disorders and constantly suggesting the daughter is mentally unwell. I don’t agree at all with her and think the challenges my partner faces with the daughter are mainly due to the fact the partner is NPD and the daughter is starting to individuate and rebel.
My mom loves to use illness or some sort of health issue as some sort of attention seeking, seeking sympathy and victim. For her..Idk how to explain it. She doesn't fake cancer or fake any of those life threatening illness like everybody is saying down in the comments. She's more like...If she catches a fever, cold or you know..simple allergies she rather not take meds. She rather play victim, seeking out attention and sympathy. Now if the fever, cold or allergies are too severe she will take "part of the meds" but not the whole thing. Allergy tablets? She will break part of it and drop the smallest piece into the hot water and drink a little. The theraflu drink? She will open and pour a little. Maybe later she will open another new packet or tablet. Repeat it which wastes all the meds. Now she was to do regular health check up 99% of the time she...keeps her blood pressure gauge/level in the YELLOW or ORANGE level and..we all know how "doctors are". They love to ram pills down your ass 24/7 any chance they get. It doesn't matter if mom get pills or not she will seek out attention, sympathy and play victim whenever she gossip on the phone with her narc friends. The blood level chart at our local clinic say this...White = Blood pressure too low. Light green = A little low. Green = Normal. Healthy. Yellow = A little high. Orange = Moderate high. Dark Orange = High. Danger. Red = Too high. Danger. Dark Red = Extreme high. Danger. Bad.
I'm a 16 yo teen who has been performing really poor in test. I used to be suicidal because I felt like I couldn't improve in studies and I'll stay miserable for rest of my life. It is during my toughest time of life, I realised that my mom is a covert narcissist. When I was really depressed, too depressed to get out of bed. She used to ask me to take shower and work but I was depressed and hopeless. My mom used to beat me and sometimes kick me out of house, this happened lot of times. When I got a little better, I thought of forgiving my mom and trying to obey her. But it didn't work, they aren't ready to understand even small things and highly controlling. Sometimes, when it gets too much I fight back with her. She behaves like a victim in front of everyone, and tell everyone about my mistakes and that I'm the worst child, a sinner for hitting her. But a lot goes before I hit her, I don't like to hit anyone. Sometimes, I doubt if I'm a bad person.
I am so sorry to hear this! Your mother is abusive and you haven't done anything wrong. Hang in there! When you are finally able to leave home when you finish school, get yourself a job and distance yourself! You deserve better!
Was labeled and medicated for “bipolar disorder “ by my mom. Have been med free for four years and my therapist I’ve been working with for my cptsd coming from this toxic family system has confirmed I do not have that diagnosis.
I am so happy for you!In almost all cases, CPTSD is and should be the diagnosis because it explains most emotional difficulties caused by childhood trauma!
My mom tried convincing everyone I was a slut. She would tell strangers in the grocery line that I was sleeping with multiple people right in front of me. She paid one of my "friends" to pass a rumor around the school that I was a cocktease. She bought me in appropriate clothing. Also, she tried to convince everyone I was bipolar (and her doctor believed her) and got me put on lithium. She would complain to everyone about how she tried so hard to raise me right and yet I still sleep around and probably have STDS. It was her drug, to make her the victim for having to parent me.
She buys frozen pan cakes, waffle etc. Only food she cook,is rice & chicken curry. Which she likes to eat. Even, when I bought snacks, the children requested, Pistachios, cupcakes, donuts, roti.. or any other food.. she like rice, eat rice so- she uses as an excuse to feed the toddlers to eat it for herself. She can eat, whatever she likes. Does not need no one permission. However, she is always, in the house- ganging up against me , with her mother in law, who is my sister!!!??
Or they exaggerate their illness. And play poor me. I’m married to a husband of an 89 year-old narcissistic Mother. It seems like she’s always on the verge of death. Yeah, not.
I am so glad I created a giant gap between us, and she doesn’t know where I live, or the details of my extended family. She is a leech. She lied to the courts to have her ex husband pay her for support when I didn’t even live at home. She made me promise I would let her live in my house when she was old(when I was young). I don’t want her anywhere in my life. She only wants pity and to be taken care of. She is a compulsive liar!
I thought you were going to talk about mothers who are always ill, always demanding attention for their "special needs", and how they pick a member of the family to be their caregiver from a very young age or very early stage of the relationship.
@@CourageCoaching I'm guessing that the narc child/sibling thinks it's normal because they think it's normal behavior.as they never experienced anything else. That is kinda sad, for them. Well, also for the person who has to endure the abuse from people who got obvious serious mental issue's.
My hearts is almost bleeding now- watching my two toddler 5 & 4 years old ,gandniecees being deprived by their manipulative mother. Who is now pregnant also!!!
