CPTSD: Breaking The Toxic Shame/Procrastination Cycle With Self-Compassion 

In complex trauma you often learn that reaching out for comfort is dangerous

I get this overwhelming sense of doom and hopelessness when facing significant stressors. I honestly feel it in my body. Even when I clicked on this video.

This is me. I was diagnosed last year at the age of 53. It was an amazing eye opener when I was told, “nope, you’re not a loser and failure, but a victim of an emotionally abusive father and an emotionally neglectful mother. I was never told I love you, never hugged, never had my hand held, never supported, never asked how I was doing, etc. With therapy and medication, I just hope the rest of my life will be happier.

"Humans need comfort everyday." This is as shocking as when I heard "The 'normal' amount of su**dal thoughts is zero."

When this is combined with ADHD (in which the brain is already wired with deficits of executive functioning and emotional dysregulation), it could become more severe and is often experienced as what the adhd community refers to as "rejection sensitivity dysphoria" and pain that can exacerbate procrastination and avoidance. RSD isn't shown to have research validity in the DSM yet though, so it's just a concept to think about for now.

I struggled my whole life with procrastination. It cost me so many missed opportunities, affected my grades at University. My Masters degree took so much longer than it should and I had countless extensions for my coursework. I think it affects my self esteem in a bad way because I don’t want to start things I am perfectly capable of doing because I know it will be a pain as I will end up procrastinating. I feel so overwhelmed with everything. Sometimes at work I spend hours just zoning out and not being focused and then I am so behind with my work. I had counselling to address this. I was given helpful strategies. I have so many books on productivity and being more efficient but I am still the same. I feel like I am battling against something to achieve the simplest things and I am working against myself- sabotaging. I had lots of trauma, lifetime of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse, going through a war. I wish life was more simple and slower pace and that people are less evil and exploitative

This makes so much sense as to why I struggled in school as a child. I didn’t have parents that I could go to for comfort when I faced certain difficulties as a child. Now it’s even harder to cope as an adult after being trained my whole life that I don’t have anyone to go to and just getting overwhelmed trying to do it all by myself.

"People need a reasonable amount of comfort every single day." This is so true. I have CPTSD. I don't ask for comfort for myself unless I am in extreme pain. In the past, I have had partners who needed comfort for small issues, and I thought that they were just weak for it. I was so wrong! We all need a little hug, an "it's ok", a "you are strong" even for minor struggles. It keeps us from spiraling into shame and loneliness and makes us stronger to handle the major stressors!

It's amazing how powerful we become when we feel properly supported.

Why does it feel gross to tell myself I deserve comfort or am valuable?

I started crying a little before the 15 minute mark. She explained my whole situation in a way I’ve never been able to formulate. I’m fucking 43. Better late than never I guess.

Thank you so much. And a compassionate shout-out to all the other people struggling with the toxic shame and guilt of long term self-isolation and self-neglect. ❤

It's not that we don't recognize the need for comfort we know damn well that someone ( family, partner or friend ) should hug us, it's that if we show this to people, they will think something is wrong with us, or find it clingy. We need forever people in our lives and consistent communication, we need community not casual bullshit friendships or casual bullshit relationships. But nobody wants to give

Its even worse when you have no friends at all and your family doesnt understand your situation

C-PTSD makes one feel lonely, and makes them believe there's no way out. This video felt like a warm hug. Thankyou!

I feel so sad listening to all this because it is true. It has been so hard all my life and the worst thing is never having any support - emotional, financial or otherwise. I had to do everything alone. But I have accomplished a lot: 2 college degrees, my small business where I like working, nice friends, I've never had any addictions and I've never done anything illegal/immoral. I've lived my life the best way I could. Even though I live in a poor country/region with few opportunities, I managed well what little money I had. But everything seems so overwhelming sometimes... like the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Could you please make a video on "what is comfort" and "giving and receiving comfort"? I'm sure, I'm not the only one who struggles to reach out for it partly because I don't understand what I'm asking for -> so people struggle to give it -> I get even more upset -> I don't reach out anymore, even if I have great friends. Thank you for this video so much. It was very helpful

*hugs myself* toxic shame needs comfort. That blew my mind. I’m 34 and i’ve been on survival mood till this day. You have no idea how much value your videos are adding to my life right now. Lighting up a candle every Saturday for all people who are in the same boat as me. 🕯️ we’ll make it 🙏 Thanks again Heidi so grateful for the awareness

My life has been one of procrastination and deregulation with my whole life due to having a mother with all the traits of narcissistic personality disorder. I do have all the symptoms of cpstd , including depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia. Tried drugs never took to them, I probably drank to much alcohol for my health now due to fibromyalgia I’ve had to cut back. While I never developed a serious eating disorder, I was calorie counting. Somehow I got to the age of 67 and my horrible mother will be 90 in 2 weeks. No contact with her once again, seeing a Counselor and trying to be grateful for good things in my life.

If you self sabotage or procrastinate, rebel against yourself, you need to deeply understand that that habit served you to not become a slave in your childhood. But a dysfunctional family is isolated. You were living in a very tiny, fake world. The real world is much bigger, much more important, you don't need those defenses anymore. You can not be taken away from you by "acting right".

Much love to all my friends out there with CPTSD. You are NOT alone ❤❤❤

I am 71 with C-PTSD id’d just 15 years ago and you are spot-on! I’ve never heard anyone explain this dysfunction with such logic and clarity. I can now relate to my successful moments of self love and my unsuccessful moments of dis regulation. Therefore I will now lean into comfort (even if overdone at first) and self tolerance. It has been a journey and I am apparently quite strong and cherished. I will believe it more and more. Thank you.

Never wrote a comment before, but this was surreal to watch. Out of the blue someone describing the issues I've dealt with all my life without understanding it myself. Growing up in a family where all their problems outweighed my own 10 fold (how I felt). Learning the problems of others are more important than your own. Sacrificing yourself for the benefit of those around you only works for so long. I've gotten myself into a dark place. Thank you Heidi for illuminating a part of myself I haven't understood. Self hatred is like the air I breath, I hope to be easier on myself and improve for me and those around me.

From an obsessive researcher on how to manage my CPTSD, ADHD, RSD...this is the SINGLE most helpful piece of information I have found to soothe my frantic mind that berates me for feeling so much shame. This is gold. Will listen to it again and again! TJANK YOU!

I'm an adult now, but she reminds me of my kinder garden teacher who greeted us with delight and love. It's those gestures and delight that'll make me feel safe, feel loved. Which rarely was the case at home. ) 💔

Wow... Just Wow. Mind blown. You just described my entire life in a way no one ever has before. Literally. Thank you for sharing this information. I have researched and read and watched hundreds if not thousands of hours of content as well as see a therapist and have never heard it presented in this way before. I guess I was finally ready to hear it. During this video towards the end when you spoke about recognizing the feeling of "Toxic shame" and relabeling it, I was able to do on the spot. The pit in my chest where it lives has never been met with compassion before. Just that first moment of thinking and feeling that, loosened the grip that shame I place on myself. No, I am not cured and this is not selling snake oil, but to label that emotion rather than escape it, felt better than the alternative. Thank you for sharing. Learning something new and not feeling so alone in this fight, is incredibly comforting and I appreciate it.

I find that society, and certain communities prioritize the “push through it” approach so that people with cptsd who may need that extra comfort to regulate just get told to “try harder” or they get tough love rather than comfort which often deepens the toxic shame. It’s so crucial to find safe people when you have cptsd but also so difficult!

So much pain in the world, I hope everyone here is able to move through all their traumas and live a healthy, happy life.

Bawled my eyes out listening to this. Thank you. The best, simplest, most succinct explanation of CPTSD and toxic shame I've heard 🙏🏻

Superb video. I feel really seen, especially the "a normal person wouldn't have let all these problems spiral out so badly" part. I've thought that exact thing to myself so many times. And the cycle of shame about reaching out for support when your problems are anything less than life-or-death...

I've been circling around "what's wrong with me" for years now. I am now at my lowest point ever, where even though I can see a way out at least from the financial difficulties, I am terrified that I won't be able to move forward because of the toxic cycle I experience as everyday for as long as I can remember. Your video switched on a light in my head, I am shaking with tears. Thank you so much for this, for giving me a little glimpse of hope.

This is definitely a root of my addiction. In counciling the have helped me identify triggers and origins, but never the process between the two. I identify with everything said here and it helps make things so much clearer. To all of you struggling, I feel for you, love you and wish you well. A part of my soul will be there with you when you struggle.

Wow. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of therapy in a half hour YT video. Thank you Heidi ❤❤❤👏💕🌻

In 2018, after a decade of trying to change / heal / transform myself through various methods, I began intermittent fasting. This was the ~2865th step in my "healing" journey and it kickstarted a sea change in myself that continues today. One thing I discovered is that I am an exceedingly average human being. Strange, I know. But I never considered myself "normal" or "average." I always thought of myself as exceptional or horrible. Lately , what happens often is that a challenge will present itself and I will act / react however I do and feel ashamed or judgmental immediately. Then I will remember that I am just a human being and that is how human beings think / act / react / feel / experience life / etc. Somehow, that helps immensely. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I've suffered for almost 20 years from insane levels of things going wrong, after being a highly productive person in my early life. All your words make sense to me. I still don't know what to do, but at least I can say I will not be mindlessly critical of myself in the future. Thanks for making this.

I'm in my third year of survival after being diagnosed with a glio blastoma (terminal brain cancer) and I was DEEEEP in toxic shame over financial mismanagement lately over being on a new fixed income and bouncing checks (clutch da pearls! With BRAIN CANCER?! hOW DARE YOU?!). Seeing this wonderful video was the first time I've been able to crack open my defenses and actually allow for some self-compassion. Thank you, Heidi! You just SAVED me!

I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD at the age of 37. I was nearly 30 before I even realized I was abused and started recognizing I had trauma. Until that time, I thought I was just broken and that I needed to fix myself. I haven't really started exploring this yet, with my therapist, and this video opened wounds I hadn't even realized were there. I am ugly crying, snot and tears everywhere. But I'm inspired by what you've said about needing comfort and so I've reached out to people. I am AuDHD, as well, and I've been working on my RSD for nearly a decade, but I still need reminders.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression and CPTSD recently and I didn’t know some of these symptoms/behaviors were part of it. I know I have a tendency to self isolate and have extreme negative self talk when I’m going through a depressive episode. I just don’t want people to see me being “weak” and I don’t want people to figure out how sad or vulnerable I am because I feel like they wouldn’t like me then. I’m currently in therapy trying to work on how to deal with my negativity and self loathing.

Procrastination is a form of self soothing originating from the lack of empathy during past events. Wonderful The answers & explanation I've been searching for. Thank you so much. Finally gets to the root of the problem. Carried so much toxic shame guilt & overwhelm thinking I was broken & it was a all my fault & I deserved to be insulted. The 1st step to get myself unstuck & hopefully able to move forward. Thank you so much. Just what I needed to hear.

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

Wow - I've never heard anyone explain with such clarity the constant cycle of perfect storms that I keep finding myself in -- that is financial stress + lack of emotional support + difficulty with maintaining relationship + unable to finish a project. This video has been a revelation! 💖

So incredibly insightful. I felt like you were speaking directly to me about my life. Shame is the driver of addiction for me. I have that out-of-body disassociation when I get triggered. I have learned to sense the feeling when it happens but sometimes the only thing that brings me back is to make a drink, or eat a pint of ice cream, or maybe drive to Target and spend money on pretty things. Then I get jolted back into my body by the shame of my behavior. I blame myself for repeating the cycle because “I know better”. Just typing this out feels like I am being ridiculous and dramatic. I am grateful for your channel and your honesty. Thank you for sharing. Sending you love 💗

When you said "...because you probably have been in a constant state of disregulation for as long as you can remember..." I broke down crying. Just the exhaustion of what seems to be daily life can be overwhelming. And sometimes you just want the time to stop for a while. I want to say, thank you for these videos. I've been in therapy for a while, so some of these I've already noticed, but to hear it as a complete story of cause and effect gives a different sense of understanding and clarity. Thank you.

"A secure attachment system gets built up when you are able to feel compassion (even for one minute) in the moments when you once used to feel only shame and self-hatred" 🙏💛

This is purely some form of ‘divine intervention’ in the collective consciousness! ❤☺️

I'm coming out of having cptsd. I'm growing but I definitely relate to the issues. But I'm becoming the man who is slowly becoming confident and secure.

Pretty much any time something bad happens. I just had to put back groceries in the checkout aisle because I didn't have enough money. Embarrassment leads to sadness, guilt, and shame. Then I sit for minutes to hours to days, weeks or more blaming myself for yet another mistake I allowed to happen. I'm 41, married, a mom- shouldn't I have this figured out? And it goes from not having enough money for the groceries to why don't I have enough money to live? I basically question all my life choices and remember why all of them was wrong. The way I can get out of it sometimes is by "making a plan" to not let it happen again. It's a bandaid. I wish I didn't blame myself for everything. I'm so scared of people being mad or mean to me OR scared of myself feeling angry or sad emotions- I search instantly for "why/how this is going to be ok?" Bandaid over bandaid over bandaid. I'm very sad. I'm 41. I won't hurt others so I constantly allow myself to be hurt. I wonder if I'll have the strength when my kids are grown so I won't feel so much responsibility to hold it all together all the time?

I wish I would have heard this message 50 years ago. At 62, it feels like this cycle is unbreakable. ☹

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. It makes so much sense. For the longest time I’ve heard the “think of others in your place” as an actual way to shame (“Get over yourself, people have it much worse than you”). But your perspective (think of others with compassion, & give yourself that same compassion) is a game changer for me.

I just don't understand how to proceed if my body is locked in a desperate need for comfort but I don't have any source for comfort. I feel like, even if I had a source of comfort in my life, I'm just totally unable to feel their comfort in the moment. The only thing I feel anymore is stress and shame.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD from my teenage. Also suffered severe depression for over 8 years. Not until my mom recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 2 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.

I have felt this since I was small and was neglected when I was scared and in distress. As I got older, it became like “oh no, I cant handle going to a new school, thats too scary, I cant do this” to “I’m not smart enough to make it through highschool, I wont make it through this” to me now, at 24, cant drive, barely graduated, and I avoid all my problems. I have started reaching out to my friends more, but I’m still scared of being vulnerable and its still hard. I’ve been avoiding my job because my doctor stopped prescribing my adhd medication that I’ve been on for almost 10 years. I’m so dysregulated and I cant get the meds that I’m supposed to take. I dont know how much longer I can do this.

This is the clearest explanation of C-PTSD and toxic shame that I have ever heard from anyone. You are an amazing communicator. I also love the idea of holding EVERYONE with C-PTSD in your heart/mind as a way of letting that compassion find its way to ourselves, because being told to have compassion for yourself, cut yourself some slack, etc., is nearly impossible when self-loathing has been programmed into you and reinforced by toxic shame for years. Thank you so much @ Heidi Priebe for this gift. I finally get it.❤

“Learned helplessness”. @8:30. I recall visiting a therapist (MCSW) for help and having her criticize me for my “helplessness” and saying she couldn’t help me. When it comes to counselors it’s: let the buyer beware.

Not only does this video resonate with my experience deeply, but reading these comments and seeing just how many people struggle with what I struggle with makes me feel less alone than I’ve felt in a while. Our problems are not insurmountable and we can get the help and comfort we need to break out of our cycle🤧

This really helped me further hack my habit of procrastinating work tasks. It's often the biggest source of stress day to day and I often just push that down once 5 PM hits and tell myself that the day is over - I'm fine. Also, to those of you with CPTSD, you're normal. We're all normal human beings who need comfort. I still have to catch myself questioning if I'm normal and correct it. It can kick off a shame spiral if you're not careful.

I am in tears....stuck in a toxic shame cycle for years. Never knew it had a name.

I've been locked into toxic shame and procrastination for most of my life with a big list of problems and habits to get over and break and things to learn. I've come so far now in the last few years. No more toxic shame, on top financially. Got a decent job. No more getting depressed. Or not knowing how I feel and why. I'm actually happy with my life now. And theres still so much more to go to make my life better. I also believe that the first tiny step (to change a thought process, that starts the process of solving a problem that needs doing, clean 1 window, wash up 1 spoon or do 1 rep or 2 minutes of calming and relaxing thoughts in the heat of a problem) is the hardest step.

Great video. The thing is for me, especially having ADHD and being American, is that as an adult, trying to reach out and build healthy realationships, trying to get help in general, even when you pay people, nearly always feels like a reflection of childhood. No one wants to help, everyone is too streesed or narsasistic to give you the time of day, and the systems we are told to rely on (healthcare/technology/economy/education) are continuously being desinged to exploit us and keep us frustrated, distracted, and poor. Looking outward for support has been futile as an adult so it's hard to accept that as a solution to these kinds of problems.

Amazing, I literally was just explaining how shame slows us down to someone, a problem I’ve had for a long time. I called it the “shame bind.” Can’t wait to watch :)

Finding your channel & content feels like the start of a breakthrough for healing. It's resonating with me deeper than other resources I have tried, which gives me at least some semblance of hope.Thank you, Heidi.

To whoever else crying while watching this - I'm crying with you. You're not alone. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are beautiful and worthy of love just the way you are. I wish I could hug you all

“Social support network” and “Childhood CPTSD” dont compute together do they? 😂 “Learned helplessness” - wow. All my life I’ve known something was wrong but I’ve never been able to recognize what it was, let alone name it. Thank you, this is an amazing video. ❤

I wish I'd gotten this help 20 years ago. After decades of therapy and multiple therapists, I finally found one that diagnosed me with C-PTSD and severe depression. You nailed every single point in my life, especially toxic shame and never asking for help. People have always called me stubborn and prideful for trying to do everything on my own. I believed them for a long time. But I realized way later on that I'm like this because when I was a kid, if I asked for help from my mom, there was a high chance that there'd be negative consequences, like anger, strings attached, or insults. She had good moments, but the risks involved with rolling the dice on that was too high. Mom had a terrible temper for most of her life. She only recently decided to take accountability for how she affected my childhood. I'm 41 and she's 73. Better late than never. I'm just glad that she's finally validating me. Thank you for making these C-PTSD vids. They are very helpful and incredibly triggering. You're helping so many people. ❤

I just realized maybe two months ago that a major cause of my problems is just the shame of merely existing. That me being alive is shameful bc I’m not built like everyone else and when problems come I isolate and breakdown hard. Sometimes it’s very toxic behavior that makes me look like a crazy person or a black out spell from being drunk bc I tend to drink when the pain is too much and I can not deal. I don’t really have a support system and often feel misunderstood.

Definitely locked in all my life--decades. A silver lining is that I've come to understand CPTSD sufferers like me are really, really efficient at maximizing even the smallest amount of genuine relating, support, and validation because we have had so little of it when it was so critical. We can make so little make a huge positive impact.

Nothing happened to me in the past 4years now and I feel extreme shame about it. I cried the whole time listening to this video while I was teaching myself new stuff....I know I need to reach out for comforr but Im so fearful and ashamed that theyre so tired of me at this point. I even pretended to be sick today just so i dont ignite a conversation with my family as it might spring that dreaded question of "what are you doing these days"

I am legit afraid to listen to this video because I need to hear it so badly. Gulp.

Holy shit. This is so spot on. I didn't know why I felt the way that I do and I didn't know not everyone feels this way. I completely understand it now. I have complex ptsd and adhd and I went through multiple traumas back to back as a child when I lost my mom in a car accident at ten years old, then my aunt died of cancer. Then my grandma died. Those were my 3 closest family members to me. I was only 15 when my mom, aunt, uncle and grandma died. By the time I was 19 I also lost my grandpa on both sides. 💔 I was too young to understand anything more. I've always internalized it. I've always felt like it was because I'm a bad person, or that I'm not as good as everyone else. I literally think when any big stressor happens that I'm a piece of shit, of course something bad is happening, there is no way out, and I should isolate and feel the pain because I brought it on myself. I never reach out to support because I don't want to be a burden. I don't have a big support system and the people I do have I don't want them to know "what a failure I am" so I don't open up, I don't accept support, I push people away in fear that they will eventually die or leave. Maybe if only my mom died I could have been OK eventually, but I relied on my moms mom and her sister in law and then they both died. It was one person a year almost in my smallish family dying suddenly without warning. It was horrible. And I never dealt with any of it because my only support is someone who is by no fault of his own not very open with his emotions and feelings. I was never encouraged to express my feelings. I was actually told many many many times that I worry too much, I need to stop getting so emotional, I need to calm down. I also felt like I was a burden to everyone because I had to be watched by my friends family's and always needed rides and things. But now I see that people didn't mind helping and my parent did the absolute best he could. Sorry for the rant but I'm in my early 30s and finally understand my low self worth, and my fear of being in any situation that I can't control the outcome. I'm not open to criticism even if it's constructive because I criticize myself for every thing already and my soul needs acceptance and I feel I cannot be loved or accepted with flaws or past trauma. I feel the need to be perfect in order to have love or friendships so I feel I'm unworthy of these things. Life has been really hard and now I think I know why. I've never understood it.

You know what I love? That nowadays we recognize that we have trauma and that we try to understand and manage our difficulties, which was very hard and unavailable for previous generations. So kudos to us🎉

I was diagnosed with a add in 1989 and then went on with more behavior issues( stepdad issues /abuse) that my mom had me n my lil brother in children psychiatric centers since 11 years never did I admit I was sexually assaulted by her friends older brother at 5 years How to deny that for years I didn't get to tell herI didn't get to tell her until I was 38I decided to Take a break from myself Dependent people please pleasing perfect patty life It's getting worse as I get order to self regulate Getting harder to communicate Getting harder to manage composure Relationships are getting harder isolating and just regulated I'm a new mom at 42Take care of all these issues that I have with my CPTSD along with being a mom with adhd .I'm glad you put in comparison that people have problems all over the world I've always had the perception My mom I left home at 15 so I've always Had to live independently and survive so I've learned long the way how to do with problems because this isHad to live independently and survive so I've learned all the way how to deal with problems because it's all I've ever known And to be off the mystic about it because hey I've gone through the worst right it just affects me different as an adult.Specialty as a mother right now I need to make a change I know that I've grown out of my strategies I know I'm self aware now and I don't want to pass these Strategies in this custom of having all this problems now that I have the new world of being a mother I wanna provide her security attachment and environment and I need to learn this before she gets old enough to understand what's going on between me and her father and being between myself being this regulated now I'm pretty much depressed What do you advice for parents with this issue

You hit the nail right on the head. You totally get it far better than any psychologist or therapist or anyone Ive ever come across. I feel so seen, understood, validated, reassured for the first time in my 52 year long life. Thank you. This one video is a tool I can now use to explain to my one friend why I struggle so much. I have suffered severe scapegoating trauma, gaslighting, emotional torture in my family of origin, then married a Malignant narcissist who tried to destroy me and nearly did but somehow I saved myself. I am still healing and I am now a healer & meta-phys teacher & guide to others - they get excellent results from my healing. I do constant research and study to help myself and help others. You can absolutely call yourself an Expert on the topics in this video. Thank you endlessly for putting this video on you tube ❤❤❤ Btw I am the rare Female INTP which explains a lot about the additional challenges I face on top of my CPTSD struggles lol

I cried as I listened to this. This morning I felt as close to wanting to die as I ever have. This gave me hope. It so sums me up, and all those others who have CPTSD. Thanks

I’m absolutely bawling, ugly crying from the extreme validation from this video. Omg Heidi I’m a devout fan from gratitude for all your content, from attachment styles to Limerence, and just plain great advice and info…but this video is truly life-changing for me. Thank you so much for making this video. I’m diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, and PTSD, which is CPTSD from years of childhood abuse. So you can only imagine the hell…for real, you may have just literally saved my life.

As always, your timing and content are incredible! I've been overwhelmed in a shame and procrastination spiral for nearly a week (*my whole life* 😊). I'm missing rare time with family that I recently reunited with because I have school deadlines I've put off. I've been feeling like an absolute failure and disappointment to everyone and it has only made everything worse. I'm really trying to do the work on myself lately, but it's a grueling process. However, you effectively described my patterns, illuminated causes and correlations, and validated my feelings and struggles. I thank you from the depths of my heart for all you do. 💛

This video is so helpful. I've done therapy, meditation workshops, "medicine", and what I've taken away is that without looking at the toxic shame you describe so lovingly. In my childhood there was a lot of chaos, absent adults, a violent sibling, an unsafe neighborhood and the neighborhood kids were also products of their socioeconomic backgrounds. As an adult, I've struggled with the shame from my background, from the loneliness in which I tried to protect myself as a child. I have kept at this strategy since then, and it only causes trouble. Last year I decided to look at my life, and do the shadow work, and I started to slowly see my patterns. And the shame. I decided to show myself in my friendships and work situations, and now, I've met an amazing partner that understands me, soothes me, and chooses me. I never thought I'd meet anyone I would heal with. You're such a kind individual, making these videos and for explaining this complex subject seemingly effortlessly, which tells me you've really studied the matter.

If you are looking to treat symptoms of a mental health condition I'd recommend psychedelics.

I have CPTSD AND GAD and for the first time in 54 years actually feel like I finally understand myself and how to handle it. My therapists - many of them- have not explained things to me. Thank you so much. 🙏🏼

The problem is so many of us just don’t have this support network you speak of…ppl that don’t understand how this exists or relate to that will give you all kinds of weird solutions to “solve” this, but I’m sorry especially the state of the world today a lot of those just don’t work or are very short sighted and unrealistic …some ppl are just blessed with ppl around them…you don’t have to be “close” but some of us LITERALLY don’t have anyone…I think this is honestly part of the reason we are seeing so much drug addiction! Not everyone falls that far down, but many are still suffering and until we collectively learn how to be there for each other..even strangers, things will just continue to get dark..the internet sure as hell isn’t helping! But I want to remind ppl there are sooo many ppl like myself that don’t have anyone to “ask for help or support” from -you can’t get blood from a stone…and a therapist is paid to listen..it’s not the same and doesn’t restore your hope in humanity whatsoever…so it’s almost like those of us cursed with toxic, dysregulated childhoods suffer more of the same as we navigate the world…

This video helped me a lot to understand what I tend to do when I get overwhelmed. The worst attack I had was last December, I isolated for almost a month. I felt miserable, I did a cruel test that I was repeating myself that “I’m not worth it and not needed if no one calls me”. Sadly, no one did and this just reinforced this toxic behavior. If there were not for the fact that I live with my parents, I would’ve been completely alone and I don’t want to imagine what would’ve happened.

Thank you, Heidi! Your clarity and thoughtfulness is really helpful. I’m 63, have had many years of therapy for CPTSD but I have never heard anyone spell it out so simply. Connecting toxic shame with procrastination and the need for self-compassion really helps me a lot!

Also this is why I am only able to now start dealing and healing with Jesus as my comforter. Thank you Lord Jesus!❤

This is so incredibly validating, thank you.

It’s a vicious circle for me, as someone who is going through a depressive episode and has CPTSD. I self sabotaged at my job and now I don’t have one. I think that being unhealed causes critical thinking to go down the drain. It makes me feel shame and guilt and suicidal hearing these videos because I feel like I should have comforted myself and remembered my positive affirmations instead of acting on impulse. I feel very useless and worthless and all I’ve ever wanted was to be desired and comforted. It’s hard to work on self-love when you keep doing things that make it look like you don’t give a damn about yourself. It’s hard to show myself compassion. I’m trying to stop the negative self-talk and just move on to another job.

This needs to be on a national broadcast emergency. I know I’m not the only one I was so lucky to be informed briefly before this video.

yeah, you really have this down. This is 100% what happened to me and how I struggle now. Yes, I first created a secure income (disability), then a safe and secure home, and had the incredible luck to find a great family doctor. I have one family member that I trust, yes, truly only one. Im working on trying to make more friendships but I find it really difficult. Im going back to school, which helps. Yes, the more that I can notice my thoughts, feelings, and deal with them reasonably, the better I feel

Damn girl! I have been in a long, painful journey for many years, peeling back layer after layer. I have a recently been realizing the trauma that I experienced growing up in a shitty, neglectful, emotionally abusive household. And I have been going down a rabbit hole of RU-vid videos looking for content with suggestions for getting past it. And this afternoon, the algorithm threw your video in front of me. It was as if you pulled me away from my desk, where I’ve been working through stressful tasks all week, and sat me down to talk to me. I mean me. Directly to me, knowing exactly what I was feeling and exactly what I needed. This entire video resonated with me. All I can say right now is “thank you”.

Note to self: 1.)Enough Excercise, Sleep etc. to reregulate your body 2.) self-understanding and self-compassion to dissolve toxic shame 3.) Getting support and drawing on outside resources, asking for help 4.) Giving myself as much comfort and support as possible

# Toxic shame-procrastination cycle 1. Stress (need for comfort) 1. Give yourself self validation and acknowledge that you need a comfort. It legitimizes the problem. Stop shaming yourself for those problems. We are inherently valuable and not choosing those problems. 2. Dysregulation + Procrastination (maladaptive coping mechanisms) 1. Can you accept you feel dysregulated? What is it that I need? What is it that I need and is it possible to give it to myself? Can I make sure I am not creating new problems? 3. Problems intensifying (original and new) 1. Explain to yourself why you are having this problem. What happened so a worthwhile person like yourself did not find a way to solve this problem yet? 2. To be here means a certain sequence of events must have happened. You are not alone in having these problems and it is not shameful to have them, draw awareness to this fact. Try love and kindness meditation. 4. Toxic shame + inner critic (need for comfort) 1. Having a belief that you a having a problem because there is something inherently wrong with you is keeping you stuck. Is not true and you are not an exception to the rule. 2. Feeling shame does not mean you are shameful. Can you feel the shame in a body and recognize that shame is just a feeling and is not the truth about you. Treat yourself with self-compassion in this moment. You realize you problems are not personal -> you feel less dysregulated and more realistic what it takes to fix the problem and what recourses you need -> you feel more relaxed

"Feeling shame does not mean you are shameful." I love that line! ❤❤❤❤ im gonna hold that close to my heart.

OMG 😳 you explained this so clearly and I thank you 🙏 because I have never been able to explain to those around me, and they think I am making excuses

Thank you Heidi. At 60 years old, I continue to experience toxic shame. Recently, some mistakes at work have sent me on a weekend of mental torture trying to sort it out. Although I used to drink (10 years sober now), I can say my coping mechanisms are improving. I play guitar which helps immensely. I also meditate (6 years and counting) and that has saved me from myself! This weekend made me aware that I still have this shame issue and your video truly resonated with me. We are definitely works in progress! Thank you!

this has been in my watch later playlist for a while now, and i can’t explain just how much this video may have just changed my life

I’ve been in therapy six years- and have never gotten a quarter of the good information you give in five minutes. I have never even heard these terms from my therapists!!!

Social systems are not here to help me. That literally is what I've been trying to articulate how i feel vs. Fighting with myself knowing logically that isnt true. Thank you

Literally, the best thing that happened to me was last year around May, i would come across this youtube channel called how to ADHD. It has opened the door to audihd and C-ptsd, and answered my questions regarding sexuality, gender, productivity and consumption. I always knew i was different. Now i feel better than ever. I haven’t seen a therapist, but like you know what the entp-a does, he goes to research, and he is so happy finally knowing to be himself. That he is of unique breed.

Your content is super helpful for me. I came out of childhood with the message that if you have a problem, then you made bad choices, so don't expect any help unless you want to be analyzed and told how you are wrong. So, yeah, I never felt deserving of support or comfort. It took me til my 30's to realize I had a right to ask for boundaries, and I'm still not good at setting them smoothly. Many of your topics are important ones I can learn from, so I'll be watching more!

you can be a solid and self confident adult and suffer trauma from family rejection in the future, causing repeated trauma- family celebrations, newborns you cannot love, deep broken hart pain, loose of motivation, lost the spark

What comes up for me as l listened to you speak, is an urge to shout out compliments your way and say, “Bravo, Bravo, Bravo”, while giving a standing ovation. Agree, as you explain, every moment, every opportunity to stop, and glance at the wheels of time turning, advancing the challenges of the day, is an opportunity to sense an inner being, take a conscious breath, and acknowledge a moment of compassion, for a person bearing the load. Thanks so much for compassionately acknowledging others by citing their quotes and thanks so much for reading varying sources of information. Through out the course of the video, your abundant knowledge and understanding weave their way into the discourse with the audience adding a tangible element of authenticity to each explanation of concepts and summary of principles.

My first response to this was “this is completely true and understandable for other people, but I’m just making excuses for myself if I think like this” and boy does that just prove the point. Thank you for this video, I sent it to my mom too!