10 "Survival Lies" You May Tell If You Have CPTSD 

For me, it's not lying, but about avoiding communicating some sort of truth that might cause conflict. So yeah, you nailed it!

i don't think it's about lying so much as it is not being able to fully express yourself. Blocked emotions and thoughts cause suffering.

I think as a child, we simply don't know that we are being neglected or abused, because this is all we know and we have absolutely no comparison of how other "healthy" children grow up. So when a teacher asks us "if everything is okay at home", of course we say yes, because to us it is normal. It is only much later, often only in adult life, that we realize that we grew up in a dysfunctional home.

Lying to prevent abuse: a slap or an angry verbal outburst from a parent or violent spouse. That type of lying often ends once there is recovery from complex trauma. The most dangerous lie is the denial that abuse is happening. Please be safe. I went no contact with narcissistic, abusive family members and feel great peace, safety and freedom. I wish the same healing for you.

The 10 lies: 1) you are having a fawn response 2) you start lying from very young to become socially included 3) you have a self-story of yourself that is not actually true (it was crafted to adapt to parent environment for example) 4) you might have learned to lie to avoid loss (of caregivers) ---end of childhood--- 5) lying to secure resources/safety 6) you lie due to toxic shame 7) you find yourself in weirder scenarios (due to past trauma) where it becomes easier to just tell overt lies 8) you tell an overt lie after experiencing a trigger (that gives you emotional flashback) to give a simple explanation to your change of behaviour to others but you might not even be aware of the trauma behind that trigger-response-lie 9) you lie because you dont want to have to caretake the other person's feelings if you were to tell them the truth 10) you might lie because it feels nice to feel normal sometimes around others

24:51 had me BAWLING. I have self sabotaged my entire adult life. Not only do I think I’m not worthy, I am constantly berating myself for hurting others in my pursuit of unhappiness. My God, I have no clue how to stop and be the authentic me, whoever that is.

I did not shed a tear when my grandparent passed away. But I did when I heard you said "you deserve to be love". Thank you.

And let’s not forget how we observed the *adults and institutions* around us as kids CONSTANTLY LYING ABOUT EVERYTHING. I was a super smart kid and I KNEW they were lying, so I thought that was the thing to do- au contraire, lying was THEIR right but NOT mine, so then I learned all about the deep and unrelenting *hypocrisy* of the culture around me. Now I have concentric circles of intimacy between those I can actually, TRULY trust- and the degrees of everyone else. Lying kept me alive.

My personal recap: 📌 Because you are fawning (Agreing to things in the moment and realizing later you were just trying to please the other one) 📌 To socially blend in 📌 Because you don't really know what is true about you story (this happens to childs who were scapegoated. This gives a conflicted image of who you are. Desoriented sense of self) 📌 To avoid lost 📌 To keep someone else's secrets 📌 To secure resources (because you have to hide your history of unstable jobs, bad credit, unstable relationships, health issues, bad references) 📌 Because you think you're toxic to the core. (Goes with self-gaslighting. Whatever bad happened to you is because you are a bad person or you are overdrammatic) 📌 To avoid to see people feeling inconfortable hearing your story and unable to give you advises. 📌 To explain to people a reaction we had that din't fit the situation (Sometime, we don't even know this is trauma or emotional flashback) 📌 Because you don't want to put your problems on other people. "I have to make other people feel better about the fact that I have a problem" (stress, anxiety, depression, physical pain, etc.) 📌 Because it feels nice to feel normal (often in situations you feel you don't belong) ***English is not my first language, so you might see some basic grammar mistakes! 😅 Thank you so much Heidi!

This video made me start crying because of how called out I felt. I like thinking of myself as an honest person and I tell myself that I only I tell lies because of self preservation. I'm always ashamed. I've always thought I was inherently bad and wrong. I didn't know this was all a c-ptsd thing. I'm not just wrong and I'm not alone. Thank you.

I’ve always thought I’m a really honest person and terrible at lying but I definitely relate to this…I tend to be really good at leaving out information or twisting my story slightly to sound normal or acceptable. But I’ve realised from watching your videos that this just leaves me with more shame. I feel fake and awful and I’m actually self-sabotaging by not being my authentic self 😩

"Loyal to a fault". It seems loyalty means that we are supposed to allow someone to trample us while we agreeably tolerate it. In my experience at least. Once I speak up for my self I get the old disloyalty (or betrayal or whatever you want to call it) treatment.

I relate to the fawning symptom. And sometimes it takes me longer to process how I feel than the amount of time I have to respond, which makes it really hard to be honest in the face of conflict. You get so used to taking abuse that the fawning kicks in on autopilot and you don’t realize you should actually be angry or stand up for yourself until a day later. The irony is that telling someone the truth often causes more conflict, even when you go out of your way to say it diplomatically and fairly. A lot of people don’t actually want your honesty-which means someone who fawns needs two things to tell the truth: speedier processing and the ability to stay untriggered in the face of people who rage at hearing your honesty.

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

I have the fawn response in relationships and I hate it. Stems from childhood issues and was solidified by an abusive marriage to a point that I legitimately have no idea what I want (only when I'm in a relationship, otherwise I'm thankfully fine). I also subconsciously micro analyze the other person and adapt (even though I don't want to!). I then feel like I'm not alone in my brain. This is why I steer clear of relationships atm. I hate not feeling like myself and being in a relationship triggers me way too much, still.😭

I recognized that I was in full fawn response in a phone call recently. I was so anxious I was agreeing to and suggesting things I did not want and couldn’t stop myself.

I’m a psychologist. I really appreciate hearing your story. Despite working with people with trauma, I had not put together the connection with chronic lying.

I am a senior citizen and I have struggled all my life with this . Thank you for all the valuable information, its never too late.

I am 60, a survivor of child abuse, a recovering addict (17 years sober) and someone who lied all the time because of toxic shame. Rough edges still remain so my healing journey continues. This video was awesome, there is so much to relate to. For those who are starting their journey or in the heat of healing I want to share that there is light in truth. Persevere. It is worth it.

At 47, I only recently joined the dots and came to the realisation that I must have been so afraid of my father's unpredictable temper, that I have fawned my way through most of my life. People think I'm this smiley, agreeable, mild person, but I'm not. He gave me the impression that I was difficult, and I believed it, and I think it made me imagine that great danger lay in authenticity, when someone who loved me could be provoked to out of control levels of rage over almost nothing. I've been a prisoner of this behaviour, and it's made me so sad not to be known. By the way you are soooo on the money with your observation about automatic covering-up (lying). I notice that even when I'm ill, I'm more likely to say that my car's broken down as to why I can't be somewhere. It's a feeling that I won't be excused.

I could remember several years ago, I suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Was actually diagnosed with cptsd. Not until my husband recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 8 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.

I am 50 years old and have been through a ton of healing. Yet, it has been rare to hear voices like yours that are understanding of the trauma that I have endured as a child (and adult). Years of hearing that I was not normal for not being able to do what other could and how they did them... I cannot tell you how relieving to hear, even just one voice that says: It is okay, there is nothing wrong with you. It is okay to do life your way. You are worthy of love. I have told and do tell myself these things. Often. But to hear it from someone else... it is like a salve for my wounds.

in tears because i didn't realize the extent of what i have been living life like until now. this is such an eye opening video especially to people like me who don't have a support system and this video is the only one where i feel valid and actually seen and heard. I havent been able to say these things out loud let alone told anyone else any of this. im so glad you were able to put my emotions and experiences into words i feel likes im going to watch this video every day to remind myself that there another way. thank you so much heidi. ive been non stop watchin your videos and just enrolled in your course. i usually dont talk alot online but this one stopped me dead in my tracks. that you so much for allowing me to be here as myself.

"I'm fine". Masking the abuse at school or around other adults so I wouldn't be separated from my sister (who I was raising) or worse. To this day, I can't let people know I'm not ok, or that I need help, because I fear some unseen threat or judgment from abusers who died decades ago.

Definitely Fawning. Ties in with my late diagnosed autism. Self shaming/hating is a big thing with autistics in general.

I can’t get over how extraordinary this video is. I’d like to write a sort of summary of it and publish it to direct more people to it. One thing you say in it is extremely important to my mind: how important it is to find people you can be authentic with. I believe if you come from a background where there was substance abuse and emotional abuse etc. gaslighting etc. and being programmed not to trust your instinct etc. you may feel like the right people to try to get approval from and have relationships with are people who behave in the same way as the people from past situations. In ever-repeating situations, you try to repeat the old situation(s) because it is what you subconsciously feel is how it should be and you are trying to get a new chance at being sufficiently acceptable and lovable. It’s just so immensely hard sometimes to change this patterning. But then suddenly someone who you vaguely know has struggled with something similar asks you how you are and you notice yourself being honest. It may not even be that what you say is so different. I seem to have moved from denying everything and revealing nothing to regressing into a childlike state, answering any question no matter how inappropriate or invasive truthfully and in detail. The difference seems to be at least to me that there is this odd feeling if not feeling separate and hateful with the person who have similar experiences or who for some other reason can emotionally attune to what I feel. For me, this other feeling (of being attuned to, of feeling accepted and understood, etc.) has often felt unbearable and wrong, like it made me feel disgusted and want to get away from the person as quickly as possible. I’ve done anything my whole life it seems to make sure I return to the situations where people treat me disrespectfully and unkindly and where I am constantly preoccupied with trying to figure out how to be for them to approve of me. I can’t express how sad it makes me to think of this. It almost feels sometimes like this big part of my conscious self doesn’t even want to change and move forward to try to see if it could be true that there is another way to feel and live. It makes me so sad that I have wasted all this time and for some reason instead of this making me want to quickly move toward a healthier and better situation in every respect, it is like I can’t get over how bad it has been. This makes me feel self-critical and I feel ashamed, and then immediately I begin feeling like I am just exaggerating anyway and the things that happened to me weren’t that bad, and, all the bad things that have happened are not evidence of C-PTSD, attachment wounding, and complex trauma, but they were just things that happened because I am inherently bad and selfish, etc. and that is why I have kept ruining things and am not able to get things to work. And that the fact that I watch videos like this is just further evidence of my bad nature: I’m just trying to blame it on other things, even to the point of diagnosing myself with C-ptsd. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a bit like if you have walked your entire life in these immensely uncomfortable shoes that were too small and hurt your feet with every step because you didn’t know there were shoes that were your size and that we’re comfortable to wear, that didn’t give you blisters, that even didn’t have to feel like you were wearing shoes, or that could give you extra support and cushioning, and enable you to go for long walks and even run marathons. And then one day someone tells you that there are shoes like this and instead of doing anything you can to try to change into shoes like this, you find yourself stubbornly holding onto the shoes that hurts you. It feels like this for me.

"Doesn't mean you have to do anything about it, it's just information." Wow! This was the most liberating thing for me to hear. Thank you for sharing these insights in a really blameless way.

It is not so much lying but not being able to speak up for myself and operate within healthy boundaries.

Wow. This has me in tears. This is absolutely so incredible, so eye opening. Thank you so much.

You just explained my relationship and substance use in a way that didn't make me feel bad about it. If only the world could see things that way

Kind of disassociating right now because you just explained me in ways that I didn't even realize about myself and it's emotionally overwhelming to me. I'm 43 and only learned what CPTSD was earlier this year. I eliminated a large portion of my lying in my twenties because it all caught up with me. Naturally I assumed that I was just a terrible person and that lying was just another sign of what a terrible person I am. I still cannot bring myself to say out loud that I am a good person, it's too deeply ingrained into me that I'm nothing but a reject of a human being. But I'll get there one day. Especially with the help of videos like yours. Thank you, liked and subscribed.

This video is so healing as an autistic CPTSD sufferer. Growing up different in that way you get told everything about you isnt normal, the way you move the way you speak the way you think the way you interact with everything. So you lie to others and yourself about all of those things. The lies run so deep into every part of who you are. And then the guilt of that lie is so much to bear. Thank you for this video it’s helping me learn to untangle the lies.

I didn't realize how much I was lying until I moved and asked my psychiatrist for a print out of my documents. Reading through his observations of me throughout the years we worked together completely changed my life. Even at times where I was at my lowest lows, I still presented as "okay", constantly claiming I was doing well and distracting from my bigger issues by focusing on much smaller ones. I didn't even realize I was doing that. I was so used to always presenting as "normal" and doing my best to please people, that I made it impossible for others to help me. As you said in this video, it's complex and I'm far from untangling this mess, but at least now I'm aware of it. Looking back, it's insane how much I did this throughout my whole life, always pretending to be okay when I wasn't, answering people to their satisfaction rather than mine. I just wanted everything to be okay and normal, to avoid the painful truth. Now I tell people that dkemtiems it can take me months to realize what I actually want, but they're still surprised when I come to them and say how I feel, getting mad that I didn't tell them earlier - but I genuinely do not know earlier, it takes me so long to process everything. My hope is that at least I can use this knowledge now to get more appropriate professional help.

As a shamebound person with CPTSD who has been dissociating pretty much her whole life, these videos speak to my soul in a way that I didn't think was possible until finding Pete Walker's CPTSD book. Thank you so much for overcoming hell in order to be able to help me do the same, your content makes life seem possible.

To this day I can not not understand why a parent would repeat thousands of times to a 5 year old child that they are a worthless piece of trash who will never amount to anything, will never do anything right, and can't do anything without first being verbally abused. But my father did that. He told me that from the age of 4 or 5 until I cut contact with him when I was 30. I don't understand it and I probably never will, why a parent would do that to their own child. All I know is that I am still struggling so hard with the consequences its had on my life, it has taken away years and years of my life, made it impossible to survive without constantly being in a crisis, made it feel impossible to love or be loved by anyone. This video clarified a lot for me. Thank you.

Yesterday, for the first time in my 36 years of living on this planet, I went to see a Clinical Psychologist because the pain in my mind and body are unbearable. I finally gave up and asked for help, the psychologist told me I've been suffering from PTSD and the roots go back as old as my childhood (I chose not to mention the "events of trauma" here). Next week I'm going to have some screenings, Psychopathy test and whatnot to determine the severity of my PTSD and to provide ways to get me to mental recovery. I just found out that asking for help is not a weakness, asking for help is also you being strong and brave. I love you all..

Thank you so much for this video. I'm crying alone in my room right now because despite truly believing that I've done a lot of work to understand and heal, there are so many aspects of myself that I'm STILL unaware of and don't have under control... this is also the first time I've ever really felt "seen". I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, insomnia, disassociation... and I feel like a fraud. I know that I've gone through many things that others may have not, but I also know that I am blessed in countless ways... it's hard for me to reconcile with myself and escape from constantly feeling like an imposter. Thank you so much for an honest video that's so full of grace. I hope you are healthy and happy as well!

to anyone that has survived SA please do not beat yourself up over not being able to conjure anger and fawning in the moments you are threatened. i have been SA'd three times and while ive gotten better at disengaging and critical thinking I still fawn in threatening situations. its our bodies trying to help us. The last thing we need after this is to blame ourselves for things we couldve done better.

The chronic pain piece is really important. Being shamed as a kid for being inconveniently in pain from migraines was a core experience for me. I still struggle to inform employers and friends about my migraines.

This is probably the most relatable video I’ve ever seen on c-PTSD. Thank you for sharing so honestly. My brain is amazed every time I find ppl who understand because they’ve lived it, too.

I was told during childhood that I was a hypochondriac when I would say I had stomach pain. I was also told that I wasn't having panic attacks in high school when I clearly was. Even now, I feel bad pointing out or speaking up when I'm having a medical issue because I feel that I'm going to be discounted/dismissed.

Thanks! Wow I’m 57 and your words may as well come from my mouth. I’ve begun the journey. Thanks for breaking this down in a very real way.

The biggest lies I told were to myself that I was doing okay despite everything that happened. You can never outrun it. It's always there.

I am 62 yrs old and have lived with cptsd my whole life. It feels too late to alter the course of my life. I feel so much shame and cannot stop seeing myself as a failure. In deep despair -helpless and hopeless like a bottomless pit. Deep psychic pain. It’s exhausting. Thank you.

I suffered the borderline disorder for over 23 years. With so much anxiety Not until I came across psilocybin mushrooms treatmentPsilocybin treatment actually saved my life honestly. 6 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms

Being honest with myself is what brought me here. I feel safe enough and tired of my addictions now to actually be humble enough to see myself & hear my own thoughts. I got bitter and very negative during 2020-2023. So happy to see the shame and guilt I hid now I am starting fresh like a baby 😅

Amazing insight. I have made it so far that I've been able to say that "I prefer talking to strangers over letting people get close, because this way, I have the opportunity to leave out all the messy chaotic, negative and unsavory medical AND life garbage that I've lived through". I have a chance to feel..."normal".

Perfectly chosen EVERY WORD!! I finally realized at age 55 that I had learned from infancy that love meant loyalty to the lies and secrets of caregivers. The day I realized it was the day I finally broke free from that compulsive loyalty to all kinds of other people. I saw that I had a free will as an adult and did not want to be loyal on that level. Rather than blaming others I finally saw that my loyalty was my own choice.

I burst into tears when you said “You are worthy of trying and failing” ❤️‍🩹

Toxic manipulators blur loyalty with putting up with. Keep your tolerance for mistreatment low and your boundaries for self respect high.

Okay so i know this video is old but can i just say that this video just blew my mind… I thought I was AUTISTIC. I did recently get dx with ADHD which makes SO MUCH SENSE for how my brain works…. but this video alone explains 75% of the time i’ve been on earth. my adhd is just what’s made the cptsd harder to see. i thought i was a failure my whole life and had to try to blend in. i thought i was about to be ready to be out of therapy… i’m about to come up on three years in therapy. yaaaaaay there’s always more to unpack lol. but thank you SO MUCH for your honesty in this and your integrity with it. this changed my life. i’m not autistic, i have adhd and i really do have c-ptsd. (i know autism and ptsd are hard to separate because of how neurodivergent people are treated but for me, this personally helped me distinguish)

I remember my mom got my sister and I a therapist because she sensed something was wrong with us, but didn't know precisely what it was. We'd both been abused in different ways (a live in guardian was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I won't speak on my sister's abuse), but I literally had nightmares of being separated from my mom and sis and never seeing them again. So I never said anything to the therapist. She told mom "they just won't open up. I agree there's something, but they won't tell." And I am loyal,to my own detriment. It ended up dating a narcissistic, emotionally and verbally abusive ex but the story I told made him amazing. Ugh....I want help....I can only circle the drain but for so long.

I recently came to realize the depth of the trauma I experienced as a child. I’ve spent most of my life convincing myself that everything is okay. It’s really not- but I learned to cope young (appeasing, fawning, escaping and yes-lying) I think the main reason I feel like I have to lie, is because trying to cope with my anxiety is not something I feel I can explain to others (or confront honestly) so it comes out as “I don’t feel good” and then I go curl into a ball until I have to get up and deal again. It was a weird revelation that I’ve spent my life doing this sort of thing, without seeing it for what it is. I just want to be left alone and for no one to worry or think about me. It’s actually being a parent that has caused me to address any of this

“Lying to fit in”, that’s why so many people think they know me when they couldn’t be any further off

The way you framed the fawn response/people pleasing is SO helpful! I struggled with those terms because they're often described as denying what we want in the moment, but for me it was always more like you described- in the moment I internally "want" what the other person wants or whatever will make them feel satisfied. And sometimes in the moment I CAN'T even pinpoint what I want. I'll know I have a preference but won't be able to access it in my brain.

Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families along with yoga Nidra has helped me get into my body and regulating my nervous system. I realized that I was in such desperate need of creating a safe space where I could give myself the space to know what my true feelings are. Meditation and deep breath work has continued to bring peace to my inner trauma.

I have CPTSD and I can’t remember the first 12 years of my life. We seemed like a very normal middle class family, but I was the Scapegoat. I don’t know who I am because I was probably “rewritten” at a young age. When I was 22 I broke my kneecap and my GC sister who is an NP started calling me a drama Queen, and my BPD mother followed suit. They made fun of me for two months until I finally had to get it seen. The surgeon couldn’t believe I had been working in a restaurant for two months and only just keeping it wrapped and iced. When I went to my parents, my mother was taking a video for my GC sister and started laughing when I came in. She kept laughing while telling me to tell my sister Hi and made a joke about my knee appointment. I told them they had to reconstruct my knee first thing Monday and walked away.

Thank you so much. This feels so compassionate and healing. I've never heard the hellscape of CPTSD so well explained. I hate lying and feel guilty about it, so I tend to freeze and procrastinate when at a loss for what to do/how to be honest in a way that people will understand, but then I know I'll be judged for my lengthy absence/inaction and end up making up a lie about THAT anyway to not seem lazy and uncaring after having inexplicably gone incommunicado. It's so disheartening sometimes 😭🤯☹️

Soo...this is a lot to process but it's also everything I've always needed to understand and I'm appreciative.

Thank you Darling 🙏 To all my trauma siblings: Hold on. Practice makes Perfect and if we are all here, it means we started to practice. We will get there! 💚💗💚

I'm 43 years old, a 79' model, I am just learning about CPTSD, scapegoating, neglect and the chaotic home this year. I knew my childhood was deeply unhappy, but I didn't realize how much it had affected me in my adult life expressed in the depressions, relationships, and dysfunctions of those relationships until now. The sense of validation these videos give me is such a relief! I'm not too sensitive, I didn't imagine it, I'm not making up stories, I'm not crazy. I WAS mistreated by the very people that should have been nurturing me and protecting me from harm. Even as an adult it's hard to believe that I will never get an admission of guilt from my parent/parents, let alone an apology - but I will NEVER stop wanting one because it was my parents. But I won't ever get it,. It even on deathbed because narcissists hide from themselves. I'm sending out a healing prayer for everyone that had bad parents. We have to love ourselves hard enough that we don't need them anymore. 💕

I’m crying because I keep telling my husband that I have a distorted view of myself and I don’t understand why. I need him to tell me how I really am because I get so confused. This is crazy, thank you for validating this experience

“You might feel compelled to keep that secret because you have this response in your mind that telling the truth results in incalculable loss.” Wow. That was so, so accurate. I haven’t been able to tell the full truth to my mother about what was done to me as a child, because in my mind, it would mean the destruction of her whole world. So instead, I’ve told her the truth in bits and pieces, leading her to believe that I’m gradually conjuring up additional details as time goes on. I’m hurting my own credibility because I’ve been in fawn mode my entire life.

Wow! The fawn response has landed me in a lot of trouble over the years.

I've come to realize the things I'm most ashamed of are due to me not being able to open and honest with my family by asking for help out of a situation that was over my head. Let your children talk to you. 💚

I lied because if I told the truth I was beaten, slapped or screamed at.

I was abused for years as a child and adolescent. This definitely resonates with me. I both omit and lie in situations where I am dealing with confrontational people or I feel threatened mostly.

This is one of the most profound things I have learned just now as a 41 year old, also a psychology student. Thank you so much 🙏

This video of yours dear girl is such a blessing, it made me cry and think of myself, and my daughters. I recognized the "loyal to a fault" to the abuser. I recognized as the "scapegoat" child, how much trouble telling the truth could get me into. I recognized the inability to caretake my physical self, because it was drilled into me that my pain didn't matter. It was not only minimized, but made fun of. I had the most raging case of endometriosis from the age of 15 to 19, it was ignored, minimized, and I was shamed for it. By the time I got to college, a Doctor put me on Darvocet and Demerol, drugs so potent that they are no longer manufactured. During my sophomore year I was finally able to go on the pill and fined physical resolution. Growing up dealing with a Communal Narcissist mother, an Absentee father, childhood sexual abuse that was swept under the rug, and a fractured multi generational family dynamic, created my initial CPTSD. To spite learning disabilities that were again ignored, ostracized, or belittled, (I'm Dyslexic) I managed to get into AP classes by my senior year, and go to the college of my mother's choice. While other freshman were seeking out dates, parties and classes I sought out the Psychologist I knew I was a mess and that there was a lot to unpack. I left school after two years to get as far away as humanly possible. Fast forward now in my early 60's, I and many other women in my age range, are finally understanding, "Trauma Bonding", "Narcissistic Personality" disorders, and the how and why we ended up battered wives, and the patterns we couldn't help to not perpetuate. The veil has been lifted. Many of us ended up with Auto Immune diseases and we again were told, "it's all in your head". It angered us, but we prevailed to raise our children as single mothers, often with no child support and society looking down us. But we survived! Unraveling our own CPTSD continues. I used to say Parenting is about Protecting your kids, nurturing your kids and Damage control. Trying to not damage them in the ways we were..... 20/20 Hind sight clears up much of the confusion, but it doesn't undo the trauma I caused to my own children, from my being married to an abuser for 4 years, (who turned into a stalker after the Divorce) or their trauma caused by my own CPTSD, physical illness, trauma causing natural disasters , (hurricanes and floods), Bullies at school, all the moving, to stay "safe" and so forth. I will get that book, and send a copy to each daughter, so Thank you. My young women are strong and resilient and I got a lot right. They are thriving in many aspects. But we are not as close as we once were, and there are many wounds to be healed still. I don't want them to have this come back on them later, because of the "I'm fine syndrome", which they unfortunately they learned that from me. We as women of the 70's, were brainwashed to buy into the notion that "love means never having to say you're sorry" and Nothing could be further from the truth. None of us can undo the damage but perhaps we can shine our inner light on the issues as you have, and make just one facet at a time better.

“they have this fragmented and disoriented sense of who they are, Because their true self was not mirrored back properly to them” Hit the nail on the head there. One roadblock to my healing is that I gaslight myself into doubting my trauma, all because because the nature of it consisted of mostly POSITIVE language - just used in extremely inappropriate contexts. In a nutshell, getting positive feedback and "love" during the times I felt most uncomfortable. Both my family members and my school bullies did this in a variety of ways. Thank you for this quote. I will start using it to validate myself whenever I find myself doubting the seriousness of my experience.

Mind-blowing. I think that the supposed "epidemic of narcissistic abuse" actually has its roots in this sort of thing. We're all alone and hurting. Love is the answer!

I sure appreciate this video! I was so frustrated and confused with myself why I would lie in certain situations

I don't think I have complex PTSD, but I can relate to some of these. I think in this country, we're told to suck it up if we're in pain or not feeling well. I remember being a kid in school and my teacher saying I was faking it when I had a cough. That was obviously something that stuck with me to this day and I still feel like I have to explain myself when I take a day off from work.

I LOVE you and the crappy childhood fairy, she makes videos about CPTSD! So glad you decided to make this :)

I’ve suspected it recently, but after hearing you speak and identifying with much of it… now I’m sure. Instability, parental lies of convenience, confusion, disassociation. It’s complex.

I am 73 and have actively sought mental health help. For 40 years I weekly saw some MSW or PhD. This video! It's me!! More than anything else in all these years.❤ Can I contact Heidi? ? Many thanks😊

Yes, I have Childhood PTSD, raised by a narcissist and experienced neglect and severe emotional abandonment. I was drawn to this video because I remember when I started lying, how surprised and embarrassed I was. It completely baffled me. I had spent grades 2-4 as one of the 2 or 3 white girls in an all Mexican-American school. The teasing and ridiculing was almost daily- I was made fun of for being a "gringa" (white girl), and severely shamed for crying (which I did often). I'm sure I unconsciously became convinced that there was something inherently wrong with me. Parents moved me into a new school for grade 5, first day of school, and a friendly 6th grade boy starts asking me innocent questions about myself. I think I froze, and then the lies started coming from my mouth- stupid lies, meaningless lies. It made zero sense to me at the time. It seemed like further proof that something was "wrong with me." But now I can see that this was the very first interaction I'd ever had with someone who was truly trying to get to know me and I couldn't handle it. The lies were there to keep me safe because I felt threatened. Because I believed if he knew the real me, he wouldn't like me, and I so desperately wanted to be liked and have friends.

"constantly triaging the next great emergency in your life" literally my life the past 5 years ever since i had to withdraw from university bc my mental health finally crashed after working every fri, sat, sun while going to school full time, bc i didn't have that financial support from family. and now i've been running on the constant "what's the next emergency" for the past 5 years.

I loved, "Nobody on this planet, nobody, is more resourceful than a Complex PTSD survivor." laughed out loud.

I very much relate to everything you said, but especially about keeping my chronic pain struggles to myself

You're making a positive difference in the world, Heidi.

When you talk about the deep rooted toxic shame and the chronic pain. I constantly edit my words in work emails trying to make sure it doesn’t “sound” like I’m lying no matter what I’m talking about but most especially if I’m in a place where most people would ask for help. I was called a liar for most of my life no matter what I said and now I just think everyone thinks I’m always lying.

WOW YES. Saying I'm sick ( physically) rather than the truth of being literally physically and mentally paralyzed, in somatic shut down and not even knowing what the trigger was!

Thank you beyond measure...in 44 minutes, you gave me the most insightful, succinct, and (most importantly) actionable summary of my 48 years of struggle. Maybe I will see 49, now.

I'm almost 60 and just recently started therapy. I grew up that you don't talk about your problems or "air the dirty laundry". A life time of lying by omission to others and project that "perfect family" is a hard thing to overcome. Glad I found this.

I live with chronic complex PTSD due directly to a very abusive & traumatic childhood. I was the family scapegoat and at same time as eldest of 6 children, expected to care for younger siblings, babysit, cook, clean and shop from as young as age 4. Everything you describe completely resonates. I have learned to recognise the patterns - I give myself days off when physical & emotional health is impacted - lethargy is the worst and frustration with myself for not being a "proper" person. Splitting is often an issue until we learn to recognise that it's happening. Chronic lying was the survival strategy for the first 30 years of my life - I felt people just wouldn't understand and those I disclosed to previously, said they didn't believe me and that impacted me very badly. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you, Heidi for your channel. Pete Walker's book was a huge blessing for me. I'm an over-achieving lawyer with both CPTSD and ADHD (narcissistic mama, growing up in a doomsday cult) and didn't really understand my behaviors until I read Pete Walker's book. This is a great video. So many of us are people-pleasing, wearing whatever mask we need to get through the moment.

One thing I have learned with lifelong CPTSD due in part to severe early childhood trauma is how to walk through the world on the edges of society, it has taught me to hustle and be creative, normal 9-5 day jobs are worse than prison to me, the schedule the people the boredom I truly can not live that way and trying to do so I was met with a nervous breakdown

I started weeping during your explanation of what you want to say to someone with CPTSD and toxic shame… I am that person. This entire video was illuminating, but that moment felt like a supernova.

I feel sad people have had to go through life like this. Best advice I ever heard is "you don't have explain yourself to anyone". If I am a certain way, I don't have to justify that to anyone.

I'm currently on a massive healing journey thanks to Complex PTSD and Late-diagnosed Autism. Made it a point to listen to this video while out running errands today. One of those errands is the book I bought, The Body Keeps Score. The book you mentioned I have to order, which I've also been recommended. When I say I cried because had finally felt heard and validated by your words, I cried. I BAWLED. Since 2017 I've been on an increasing journey of self-discovery. The first thing I realized and wanted to change was the fact I needed to be more honest with myself. This has in turn had me being more honest, even when painful, instead of lying. Because I deserve to Thrive, and it's not fair the world literally threw me in survival from birth. First thing I did for myself. Ever. At 27 years old. I'm crying again. Thank you for this video. I'm hoping this helps some folks understand theirs or their loved ones' trauma to better support them and help them recover.

This makes me so sad and angry because it IS me. The school found my scoliosis in a routine screening yet being the target of a toxic family, my back deteriorated and brought me to "internal tears" for decades. I kept the lie, continued to gaslight myself and to not be a bother, and now at 50--my back and all the body parts that compensated for the twists & turns are screaming out in agony. Bullied and teased for not walking "right", limping, needing to 'rest my spine' even on my free time. Of course, their health issues were excruciating painful and far worse than mine, medical neglect, denial...all for the sake of being kept a scapegoat growing up, in marriage, and unfortunately even as a parent, as my young adult sons model after their attention seeking father..

Wow! Such a clear representation of the inner workings of someone suffering from C-PTSD. I would also say that a common thing I've done for a long time is MINIMIZING a situation, a feeling, my interest, the impact, or the importance. A lot of my anxiety over the years came from magnification - I would take a mildly distressing thing and crank it up to 11. My therapist has helped me "right size" things. So grateful for good compassionate support. (which I finally feel I deserve!)

I agree with some of the comments here- “lying” is a bit harsh of a word to use when it is more about authenticity & self-realization

After years of being bullied and abused by my mother, teachers and neighborhood children (including S.A. by a babysitter and was not believed)...at the age of 10, my mantra became "What my mother doesn't know can't hurt me", so I learned how to tell just enough of the truth to my Covert Malignant Narcissist/ BPD / Alcohol and Drug addicted mother to be "safe in a covert lie" but not the whole truth which would bring further "punishment" on my head. I still do this, except it extrapolated to social and employment situations. In 2017 (age 63) I was diagnosed with CPTSD co-morbid with Dissociative Identity Disorder (with 14+ fully evolved alters ) and severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder, last year Autism was added which seems to explain so many of the "puzzles" in my past. This journey is enlightening and frightening as over time more of the abuses hidden in the shroud of D.I.D. become apparent.

I'm a PK was raised in an extreme evangelical home where my sister was kicked out at 15 for not conforming and I, as a 10 year old, took on the responsibility for my entire dad's ministry to not suffer this same fate myself. Curious how many of us had our trauma come from the church and these kinds of religious fundamentalist upbringings - can anyone relate?

I'm 31 years old. I have never been honest. You just described my entire life. I was absolutely tortured from 2-5 physically and psychologically by my stepdad for years. Even when my mom left him for abuse. She sent me to live with him for an additional years. My life has literally been robbed form me. I'm extremely intelligent ... which only makes my lying worse I have four felonies forgery and overall I'm pretty garbage person. I am extremely empathetic and sorry for what I did, but I cannot control myself.

Its not bad to to lie to landlords and bosses. Don't sweat that

Please keep making videos. After searching for years on the internet of what I'm truly experiencing, your videos and yours alone have truly given me insight of my experiences. I am so glad I found you. So so glad

The decisions & choices I've made have allowed me to survive. I understand me and accept all that i have done and why . I also recognize the greater world would not understand and would judge what allowed me to survive, increadibly harshly. This is an extraordinarily lonely place and way to live. Your abundant awareness of this has made me feel genuinely understood and not alone. Thank you 🙂