Not to sound dramatic but this video actually changed my life. I've consumed probably hundreds of hours of productivity content, self-help books, etc. and never felt like they could fully address why I never managed to follow through on my goals, and this video felt like it flipped the switch I've been trying to find for years! I could listen to you talk about this for hours thank you for sharing your expertise 🙏
Oh, so true! A FOUNDATIONAL problem My lightswicth just flipped too! I recognized how deep this is in my coping skills! Subconsious Fantasy Futures immediately Soothe me and JUST NOW I assessed my entire past behavior of "rescue thinking" and realized what is truly happening. Going forward, this awareness is wired into me now! Fantastic!
Me too! My dysfunctional family never taught these things to me! So now I'm teaching my children what I didn't know! It only took me some 35 or so years to figure out from one amazing video from Heidi! Now I think about what actionable steps I need to take. I hope you are finding success!
5 signs 1. You are constantly in the ideation phase but rarely execute on your plans 2. Your vision of success is highlight reel, not a day-to-day reality 3. You get defensive when talking about yours plans for the future 4. The older you get, more regret you experience about the life you didn't lead 5. You identified more with your future self than your with your present self
And how many times did I hear from dozens of coaches and influencers about casting a clear vision of what the dream life is. This is the first time someone has taught me why I'm not even close to that dreamlife yet. I feel seen.
@@meghan4884this video single handedly exposed how self help gurus play on your psych to sell you dreams, but never teach you how to hike up the mountain.
When I was younger I was told I was so talented and bright, I felt there were so many things I could do, it was paralysing. Now I'm in my mid 30s and I feel like everyone I know has surpassed me in terms of occupation. I've never had much direction in my life, I was never taught how to set goals or work towards them, really. So I struggle with indecision and knowing how to take that first step. It's terrifying and I feel like no one around me gets that. The shame and regret you talked about really hit home for me. I blame myself mercilessly for my lack of direction and feel palpable resentment towards people, even friends, who have achieved things that I wish I could do for myself. I'm glad this video popped up when it did.
Hey, this is me too, but I read some books about Human Design and how some people don't have "defined" head centers or other energetic centers. Maybe this will help you to refocus since I know how difficult it is not to have a direction.
Me too! I was a chronic daydreamer most of my life and struggled a lot in school and social situations. I was also not taught how to stay consistent and truly feel out what I really liked or wanted for myself. Once I left my family I've been kind of trying to figure it out ever since and this past year I started college again and realized how much work and effort it will take to get what I want and I decided to move forward with it anyway. Even though I've started college twice and left, I came back a third time because I didn't want to give up on the immense potential that exists in me. One thing I have to say that really helped me was learning to control my tendency to think about what I need to do and just doing instead. You will never figure out how to enjoy being in the consistent present until you get out of your mind. No amount of thought will bring you back down to earth. One little step at a time, be kind and patient with yourself, but be real as well. Believe that you can make it through, believe you're smart enough and capable enough to gain mastery over your problems, because you are. ❤ If you have any questions I'm here to help😊
Yes! This me! I'm turning 33 in December and I'm feeling like I can hit a wall at any moment. I've been working on understanding myself and why I'm like this, where that came from and how it developed. It's been a painful road to walk on but necessary and I'm learning a lot. Implementing @boyera23 said it has helped me a lot too. We need to work on creating new connections in our brains so that we can see things possible for us too, neuroplasticity is everything.
"Learned helplessness" is a real and oppressive thing. It's a relief to recognize it, but forever afterwards you wonder if it has caught up with you again.
I do not, for one moment, believe that learned helplessness need hamper anyone for a long time. I know and feel this way because I myself have had to admit to a bit of that condition, due to narcissistic individuals in my family trying to make me feel like I can't do things myself, like fight my own battles, for example. Yes, it's nice to have backup, but sometimes, a person has to face down their foes themselves in order to grow. Someone who wants to keep you under their control gets in your head like that, and yeah, it can be tough climbing out of that hole. I admit, I am a fairly strong-willed soul -- to where I am glad, for my mom's sake, that I was not twins! (I am an Aries with a warrior streak a mile wide and she's a conflict phobe beyond the beyond!) 😅 But I also still struggle with some things from growing-up years. It's a process, and though I get impatient with myself, I have to remind myself of this. But I have faith that you, and others here can rise up against the stuff that holds you back. My chief piece of advice, should you wish to take it on board, is: don't beat yourself up if you don't feel like you're meeting your own "benchmarks." Emotional healing, as I have learned, is not -- and does not have to be -- a race. Healing on any capacity is a win against those who try to break us. That is what I've come to believe. And as I love to say, all Jedi-like: The Force will be with you...always. 🙏🏻🧙
I've been writing songs for about 4 1/2 years now-as a passion, as a hobby, and as a secret hope. I've been reluctant to share my songs with people over the years-even when I don't doubt their quality-because it would open up the possibility of realistic criticism, which I've feared. However, as the years progressed, I've received positive feedback from friends and family on the select songs that I've shared. An ex even wanted a song I wrote to be played at our future wedding (yeah… that's not happening anymore lol). Despite positive feedback, passion, and drive-my songwriting has been entirely materially fruitless so far because I haven't played anything for crowds or really done anything much to promote myself. Again, I was much more comfortable in the fantasy of being an underrated, under-confident singer in the shadows-all the while resenting the success of others my age in that I viewed as less talented musicians but more skilled marketers. Then I watched this video last Friday. The next day, I signed up for an open mic the following week. Fast forward to now, and a few hours ago I accomplished three firsts: the first time I've publicly sang (solo), the first time I've publicly played guitar, and the first public performance of my original songs. And it went well!! I'm going to sign up to go back next week at the same place, and expand to try out other venues as time ticks by. So thanks, immensely, for this video. You never know what little piece of media can be catalytic for positive change in your life… but this definitely was for me.
Very excited for you. I did open mic once (with a musician that was more seasoned than I was, so that helped), and it's a hard thing to get up on a stage and just go for it. Good luck on your journey. Being in front of an audience and sharing creative works gets easier the more you do it.
@@shoneycreation3313 I've now done 3 open mics at 2 different venues, and I've found that exactly what you said-I just have to get used to being up there lol. My fantasies about my songwriting have been shattered, but that's actually for the best-now I can realistically assess where I'm at and how to improve. But I've really been enjoying expressing myself in public & trying to be more grounded in the reality of what the craft requires :) very grateful for this video, still.
well done!! i’m currently in a 3 year hiatus of no performances and just living in the fantasy you described. i hope i get my act together and do the same
This woman just flayed me open and shattered several aspects of my self-perception in 26 minutes. This is so overwhelmingly true for me that it's almost ridiculous that I've just randomly been recommended a video from a channel I don't know about a topic I never really considered before. I've been to therapy and I feel like I've just had more lightbulb moments through the course of this video than all the face-to-face sessions. I'm..... I'm gonna need to rewatch this a few times and note down the main points and some hard hitting quotes. Damn. I feel ... Splayed wide open. Very good video, obviously
Same exactly. It didn’t even dawn on me that this is a actually thing, until just now seeing this video. Thought I was the only one who actually does this but I deeply felt my fantasies can and will come true.
huge call out, I just journaled about this two days ago and then this video comes out. I definitely live in the fantasy life. I am a huge daydreamer (maladaptive) and I spend hours glorifying the life I wish to live. The people, career just the glamorised lifestyle. I want to make music and have had a passion for singing and I have been executing my plans for music but I have been so unaware of my complete dissociation from reality and how telling myself or imagining all my "goals" and dreams accomplished gives me a high almost and allows me to exist more eased when I have that to hold onto. I am now noticing the full body reset I get when I live in the fantasy and how much more bearable things feel. Lordy lord. the discomfort of the present is something I didn't realise effected me this much
Wow thanks for sharing that, I didn’t know how to word it but I feel the same way! Reality is hard but it’s where we are, and that can be a beautiful thing
It wasn't until I heard this message when I realized I was using fantasy during my childhood and young adult life to escape my reality. I knew it was sabotaging me, but still defaulted to it bc it was familiar and felt much better than the realization of the failure I was currently in. I would set unrealistic expectations of myself getting out of failures, instead of realistic strategies to build my self up step by step. I really appreciate this video
I hear you, 100%. To find solutions in fantasyland and watch that version of yourself triumph.. it's empowering, even if it's at the expense of triumphing in reality. Ooof, I have some journaling to do today! I wish you whatever it is you need to start carving a real path to your goals and dreams.
@@thesweetprinceThank you :) After this video I wrote two affirmations and put them on my wall about rebuilding the life I want only comes from stepping into my current reality. It helps me do quick checks of my mental state throughout the day and I think it has been helpful
This is an eye opener for sure. I could never understand why others around me didn’t dissociate, I used to think it was normal, but unfortunately not. This video also made me realise why I don’t have much past memories, probably because I didn’t really “live” them
I think this is why my life feels so hollow and empty. I really haven't lived it. I've conducted so much of it in my head--my thought, imaginings and daydreams--alone, and not out loud, in the arena of "real life." I think this is why I always feel like a child standing next to my siblings and peers: I haven't done, I've DAYDREAMED . . . I feel sad, and relieved, at the same time. Sad that I didn't understand what I was doing, and how it undercut my opportunities to enter the fray, and do something real; and relieved that I understand the problem, now, AND the solution. It's not too late to recalibrate my thinking and act in the direction of my dreams. Not simply dream . . .
Every person who watches “manifesting” videos should be REQUIRED to watch this as well 😂 Love this practical approach as opposed to “just sit there and think hard enough about your dreams, and they’ll come true!”
You bring up a good point. I myself walk an intense spiritual path, including the concept of manifesting. But there are many misconceptions people have about walking such a path, **especially** concerning manifestation. The misconception you addressed is one. Even when I was first studying and exploring this whole thing, the authors I was being guided to most definitely laid it out there that while conceptualizing your desired outcome, you still have to take practical steps to get to your goal. How the unknown, behind-the-scenes process of those steps bearing fruit is going to be on the Spirit level. That's where the trust and faith comes in. Our job is to take action on something smaller while our request to Spirit for assistance with the Big Stuff is being handled. That's the practical, "in-between" stuff most people don't quite understand. Keep in mind that I am condensing down what I have experienced into smaller, bite-sized ideas. My actual path, steps etc that I took to get to where I am now was a boatload of tough inner work that is not for the faint of heart. It's do-able -- just not easy. And too many people want easy. 😅😜
@@a.katherinesuetterlin3028Fun fact. Manifesting comes from magick. To help magick work, the recipient must make themselves enchantable, which means they need to put themselves in the best circumstances to make that magick happen. If I do magick to find romance, but I never leave the house, it's gonna be a lot harder for that magick to work.
@@LoveJungle420 I know that. 😅 I was attempting to refrain from using the word "magick." I have had way too many run-ins with overly triggered people, both on and offline, who think it's still okay to bash anything that's not conservative Christianity. These individuals are, in my experience, of darker energies, with whom I have had run-ins in previous lifetimes, not just this one. Call it psychic self-preservation and just not wanting to waste my breath with spiritual Neanderthals. 😅
@@R.P.-hw2rq I think the general perception of “metaphysical woo-woo” probably comes from the presumption that the universe consciously gives a shit what you want or that you are capable of “signalling” anything to it, and the fact that you literally just described plain old visualization, prudent planning, hard work, and dedication.
One thing I'll say re: being defensive if someone pokes holes in your dreams. I transitioned into software engineering from a nontraditional background, and have been working in the field for over 15 years now. I had a lot of people poke holes in what I was trying to do, especially when I was starting out. I'd feel very defensive, but it was due to low self-esteem from childhood emotional abuse, along with being undiagnosed neurodivergent. I was able to do the thing people felt that I couldn't, but I just had to take a different path.
I remember when I was in school and in my 20s, that I would enjoy the feeling of proving people who thought I could not do something. That became the fuel for my goals more than most other rewards. 😆 Now, I'm too tired to even care. 😁
@@Julez- independent studying, and taking as many contract gigs as I could take to build up a portfolio before an actual company would hire me. It was hard and not glamorous at all, but it worked for my particular situation.
@@gojump7 THIS. I was so productive and achieved so much when I tried to prove something to people - now I just don't care, and I'm desesperate for recovering that again, it was the only fuel that worked for me.
It's incredible that youtube just recommended me my life in a video. I've listened to every word you've said with chills. Since childhood I was spending hours of a day just day-dreaming. I've ruined my life and I have nothing at age 31. Sad part is everyone around me always called me smart, capable and talented at everything I did. Yet I have no job, no partner(I never had), living with my parents and my friends moved away to other countries and cities that I cannot afford to visit. I try everyday to fix everything and I fall short. I hope this video can remind me to be in the now everyday when my mind wonders to the future. I took notes. Thank you Heidi.
@@Lisa_Fernandezhomeandlifestyle not good honestly. It's definitely not a good time to be dealing with this stuff in terms of finding a job to start fixing things. Economy is really bad where I am from. Different jobs and huge gaps in my resume is like a death sentence. I don't know what to do.
@@salla7760 maybe there’s a chance to start at some experiences? Volunteering is kinda icky with no money but it’s a sure way start to build up a portfolio. Next would be getting entry level jobs, then internships or mentorship’s. I totally recommend places that are really related to your interests or see yourself doing more so after retirement? It’s never to late to start I’ve seen all ages of volunteers and interns and it’s only a good foot hold to get yourself out there! I personally like Looking for things that are free to do BUT you know that will get your resume going… Good luuuck~!
@@zekibebe3138 thank you for your comment. Everything you've said is true. Any time I have some hope I think exactly like that. Then comes catastrophizing every step like nobody would even give me a chance. Economy is so bad even new graduates cannot find internships here let alone paying jobs. If I go abroad I'm a foreigner with no money trying to steal their jobs. So on and so forth. I need to get out of my head and realize everybody somehow manages to live so I can too. Thanks again for caring enough to write a comment. Take care.
@@salla7760I second the idea of volunteering, if you have the time. At the very least, it gets you out of your own head for the time you are doing it, and it’s been proven that altruistic actions improve our mental health. Beyond that, you could make connections that are valuable. Maybe you’ll meet another volunteer who can give you great job leads or refer you, or even one who is just really encouraging and builds you up. Maybe you’ll meet someone using the service who helps you recognize your own strengths that you can be grateful for and build up. At the very least, you will get an entry on your resume and probably a reference from your supervisor. Maybe you’ll discover a new kind of work.
I don't think we "confuse" fantasy from reality as much as we just hate our living conditions, and see no way out (sometimes there si no way out), whatever those are and the only way to make living tolerable is imagining we aren't in those situations. I think it's tied in with trauma and more than that, probably the accumulation of too much trauma and no breaks from it. Personally I do fantasize a lot about the things I probably will never achieve since they are practically physically impossible, with the resources I have or might have in a best case scenario realistically speaking. I also work hard in the things I can do so they aren't mutually exclusive, you can do both and be both.
22:48 - "I have to take who I am with me on this journey if I ever want to get anywhere. So who I am right now in this moment is not a mistake or an accident that I can correct by dissociating into a fantasy about the future..." wow, this hits so hard. Thank you very much for this video, helped me a lot! All the best to you!
I had a breakthrough watching this video. I realized that when I watch self help videos, I am very quick to fully identify with the "problem". It comes from the old habit of toxic shame. I say, "Oh yeah that is me, I'm still messed up, I still have so much healing to do." ....This time though, I was able to stay in reality. This time, my inner dialogue in response to this video said, "While there are some similarities between your behavior and this future escapism Heidi is talking about, and while you should examine these behaviors in yourself, you are still taking action in the present day and laying down brick and mortar to where this concept she is explaining may not 100% apply to you. Thank you!
I was identifying with the problems to the point of tears at the beginning but found myself move out of that by the end. Thank you for articulating your experience 🙏🏾
@@TheBeccasol1 I understand and share your experience... for me, having someone bring to light what it is that's blocking my happiness and potential is ..a sobering and cathartic experience. But we are here because we are READY to know.
This video really hit home for me. I check so many of the boxes. When I was younger I would imagine whole stories of a different reality (where I was a different person, in a different place, older, and enjoying my life). Even as an adult I think about it sometimes. I was abused as a child and I believed it helped me to cope. I always tell people I have trouble with follow through. Even though I am great a making a plan. I just keep pushing it back hoping I am someone else tomorrow. Or I take action and eventually quit from disappointment. I would love to actually start where I am and enjoy my days more day to day. I appreciate the actionable steps mentioned in this video.
Same! I mostly survived my adolesence through daydreaming, and while I managed to get a degree and a master's later, and work, I always feel like I'm not hitting my true potential, maybe because it's just too scary.
Oh, my dear. 😢🫂 I'm so sorry little girl you was abused. She deserved to be protected and cherished. You are inherently valuable, and I know from experiencing neglect it can be hard to believe that. I could've written most of your post myself. Let's keep at it.
I am the same... I'm also a "Renee" too lol. I grew up in very traumatic circumstances and my escape was always to imagine a life that was different from the one I had. For years I've been struggling with feeling like I can't stick to anything or I am just too lazy sometimes. What's crazy is that I only struggle with showing up and following through for myself but I would move heaven and earth to show up for my job. This random recommendation was EXACTLY what I needed. I hope you find the will inside to break through... praying that for you as I pray it over myself and also find more strategies to overcome and really start living
@@iamreneestewart Thank you for sharing. And thank you for the prayers too. I have the exact same experience with my job and family. I know in my heart I can do it because I do it for them. We are not lazy. Amen, Sis.
I recently embraced the idea of letting go of this obsession to manifest a particular life. I decided to stop focusing on anything but the present moment. It’s made everything so much better. I’m so happy. I still have my goals. I still have work to do to be able to travel with ease. I just feel so much more peace and gratitude throughout my day. It’s helping me so much. I believe it’s the main thing we are meant to do, being present for each of the moments that make up my life in the end. Thanks for the straight forward message.
@@itsclauds7554 I call it a 360 check or a five senses check. I just try to stop where I am as much as I can, and take in everything about the present moment I possibly can with my five senses, sometimes that involves turning in a circle very deliberately.
The timing of your video is serendipitous. I’ve been struggling with this problem most of my life and only recently been able to name it and admit it in therapy. It’s been difficult not to digress into feeling frustrated, damaged, broken, and hopeless. But then I have to constantly remind myself that this is a path of fantasy also. Thanks for your video - very helpful and encouraging
I’ve been dealing with this a lot too and reminding myself the negative thoughts are fantasy has been helping me get through this. I like to think of myself as pragmatic and realistic but I definitely get way too boggled down in depressive thoughts because I think that makes me more “realistic” about my world around me. But it’s not. The super low lows are from the same fantasy as the super high hopes. You gotta find a spot in the middle and stay grounded.
I had no idea I was doing this but as you were talking it was like you were reading my mail haha. Thanks Heidi! Time to start thinking about what I can do now and learning to love who I am more and not fantasizing about a perfect future with no problems and no pain that makes up for all the failures of the past.
@@FeyPax this opposite fantasy is an interesting thought. Kinda new to me even though I’ve been in therapy several times before for major depressive swing/ bipolar .. haha, never have found a therapist that stuck- they kept leaving. Hard not to feel as though it’s not just another confirmation of my insignificance in life and that it’s better to be realistic and accept whatever happens or comes to me. I’ve accepted that in spite of the feeling that I could possibly change or actually steer my life in my more manic moments, if I just wait a minute those thoughts/ feelings will subside and my true reality/ apparent destiny will come back into focus. I’m am really nothing more than a stand in for other people’s scripts. I’ve been using this strategy for the past two decades to keep from feeling broken, ineffectual, and unworthy.
I absolutely loved the part where you said "you cannot personal develop your way out of those things". Because trying to change everything I've experienced in order to get to my future vision of self is holding me back❤
I also have to join in on the positive comments and tell you that this was probably one of the most important videos I could’ve ever watched. I realized I have been fantasizing since childhood to keep myself safe and self soothe. Now as a 29 year old, it’s not so cute/helpful. I really want to make these dreams a reality. This video helped bring me back to reality in a grounded and inspired way. It was actually soothing to watch and gave me hope. Thank you so so much. Also, can you make a video on being present and how to do that for those of us who feel that’s it’s too scary or painful? I’m practicing being present but it’s def a challenge after so long of dissociation.
Dreams, goals, visions, and feelings of “unexpressed potential” are coping mechanisms. They can be healthy emotional regulation tools when you can distinguish reality from fantasy. However, when you genuinely want them but don't actualize them, you go towards disappointment. Things that prevent actualization: - a lack of resources, - a lack of planning skills, - a lack of emotional regulation skills… - *failure to distinguish reality from fantasy*. How to assess whether it's a life that you genuinely want or it's just pure fantasy: - Are most of your thoughts and actions oriented toward what you are doing in the present, today, tomorrow, and the next day or rather where you imagine yourself to be in five years (although it can run in the background of your mind as a way to keep you motivated)? - Are you willing to trade the set of problems that come with it with those that you currently have? Are they the type of challenge, work, questions, and discomfort that you want to struggle and get frustrated with on a daily basis? It's not going to be a life where you'll feel purpose and direction at all times and all of your problems are solved. - Can you hear other people tell you why they think your plan won't work? You welcome and feel enthusiastic about good feedbacks when you actually are looking for a way to advance. How to get out of fantasy and into getting to your goal: Be present and aware by seeing how your life actually is and ask yourself what in your life is incompatible with the goal that you have for the future. This is your roadmap for getting there. A goal and its plan start with the present moment and get built continuously out of that. Instead of starting at the end of the process, start now. What can you do in the next 24 hours that brings you closer to the future you actually want? A plan for what they are going to be doing within the next 24 to 72 hours to get there is what separates you from the type of people who are out there who are currently working towards their dreams and are actually going to get to where they want to get. the more we live 19:20 our life in the present moment the more 19:22 wonderful memories we end up with because we're actually paying attention 19:27 to our lives as they're happening and 19:29 we're actually noticing the really 19:31 beautiful moments when they arrived to 19:33 us often completely unexpectedly if we 19:36 are always zoned out and dreaming about 19:38 a different life it's really hard to 19:41 make meaningful memories inside of the 19:43 present moment and so it's much more 19:45 likely that we'll be left with a sense 19:47 of emptiness and regret when we look 19:49 back on our lives if we spent the whole 19:51 time dissociated into some fantasy about 19:54 things being different in the future in 19:56 order to feel thankful and grateful and 19:59 happy and satiated looking back on our 20:01 lives we have to be willing to show up 20:04 to the present moment and actually 20:06 notice what's happening inside of that 20:08 moment and learn to love and appreciate 20:10 what's happening so this idea of 20:12 focusing on the next 24 hours is really 20:15 in large part about bringing our 20:17 attention back to the only thing that's 20:19 ever real which is the present moment 20:21 and if we are living inside of the part 20:24 of our lives that is real we're going to 20:26 naturally at the end of our Lives end up 20:28 with a plethora of experience chances 20:31 and memories that we feel really 20:33 grateful to have had that sense of 20:35 emptiness looking back on our lives 20:37 won't even be a possibility because we 20:39 want to spend our lives sleepwalking 20:41 we'll have spent them living and chances 20:44 are if you stay really committed to the 20:46 act of living in the moment which can 20:48 very much include taking consistent 20:50 concrete action towards your goals 20:52 you're going to find that what happens 20:53 on Route is a lot more meaningful than 20:56 what happens at the top of the mountain 20:57 anyways there's a million cliches about 21:00 that so I will spare you them in this 21:01 video but there are a million cliches 21:04 about that for a reason what happens to 21:06 us on the way towards our goals is where 21:08 the story of our life actually unfolds 21:11 and we are robbing ourselves of the 21:13 opportunity to have a life story at all 21:15 if we are spending our entire lives 21:17 avoiding the present moment in favor of 21:19 dreaming about a distant future and the
This explains what I experience so much more than the typical idea of "maladaptive daydreaming" although the label still fits. Especially resonate with identifying more with some good future version of me, than me now. Also, About 9 months ago I wondered why nobody ever teaches anyone to anticipate that THERE WILL BE PROBLEMS in your life (I'm 54). The idea of choosing fave problems is an amazing paradigm shift.
::blinks:: i have a HARD time believing no one in your life ever told you life was gonna be hard. thats the ONE thing i thought was clear to every human being with a pulse. What are you talking about? I legitimately dont know a single person that this happened to. Everyone says “your health deteriorates”, “have a good retirement, tou dont want to be working when your old” or “im at that age where i read the Obits every morning.” I am flabbergasted that anyone would think no one is warning people life is hard.
@@threestans9096 When you put it like that, I feel rather invalidated. 172 other people already related to my comment, so maybe your experience isn't universal. Nobody ever told me to wake up and wonder, "I wonder what things -- big or small -- will go wrong today? I wonder which of my plans will get thwarted? I wonder what little frustrations I will encounter? What tasks that seem easy will actually be 10x harder than expected? I wonder how many people will say things that hurt my feelings today?" What was modeled for me by my parents was to freak out and or get angry when things don't go as expected. I actually am in healthcare and do constantly teach my patients to take care of themselves as they age. You don't have to put people down if you don't agree, you know... you can just move on by. Honestly this is the least supportive comment I've ever seen on one of Heidi's videos.
I have spent most/all of my life in self-soothing fantasy. Became addicted to marijuana to stay up in my head. The shame of not being able to show up compounded the generational shame programmed in to my childhood. I’m exercising more and have joined a 12 step group focused on being present (UnderEarners Anonymous - time indifference is the first sign…). Thanks Heidi and all commenters. We can heal and grow.
While the comment seemed harsh and unnecessary, I’m thankful it was made because your response explained it so very clearly and made it more relatable. I somehow developed a belief that hard work in and doing the right thing and living ethically equated to good things happening in life but that hasn’t been my actual experience which has been quite devastating.
This video has absolutely upended my world. Over a decade of trying to figure out whether I was lazy, depressed, unwilling or whatever the reason I couldn't achieve my goals while still dreaming about them... and this comes along. You have made me realise what therapy couldn't for the past decade. I feel seen, I feel heard and I finally feel like I might not be as helpless as I imagined. Thank you, thank you, thank you 💖
She really deconstructed my 20s in minutes here. All these nice daydreams to self regulate myself and make me feel stronger all the while feeling like shit in the now. I always felt guilty about it and now I know what to do with it. The shitty part is to accept it and let it be while knowing it won‘t define you, if you take massive action against the situation.
The part about knowing that one is capable of doing better and living in alignment with one’s true self while not currently living up to what one senses to be their true potential hit me so hard that I started crying. Facing reality and the cold hard facts about one’s life situation and true motivations can be extremely challenging. It requires so much patience and self compassion which can be difficult. I’m beginning to see how there is so much shame rooted in this feeling that I am inherently unworthy of actualising my dreams yet knowing from some place deep within that I am capable. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience Heidi, this is exactly what I needed today.
Dang. Years of watching self-help and motivational videos on YT and tbh this is the first video that I felt like *actually* hit the core of my problems, as well as provided an answer to it. Color me impressed. 👏
I totally get that. I used to be like that most of my childhood and then into my adulthood. Also the tension between my future vision and the present moment created such a high "skill gap" that I felt unable to take action. It's a bit like perfectionism, where you don't star a project because you are afraid it won't turn out the way you imagine it.
The "problems that you might like" part is mindblowing, not to mentiom how well structured and clear the whole message was brought about in this video. Thank God this was recommended to me! Thank you for your work Heidi!
Heidi, your channel and a few others have genuinely made a life-changing difference for me. I quit my job where I had been severely limiting myself and making myself small. And two months later I've been hired in a much better position with an environment that's infinitely better for my health.
congratulations, that's amazing! If you don't mind sharing, what other channels have helped you as well? Heidi is incredible and I'm keen to know more people like her. :)
@@erincarter1113 I'd say Irene Lyon, Elizabeth Ferreira and My Crappy Childhood Fairy all have been tremendously invaluable. Something finally clicked for me and I started to dive deeper into CPTSD and found a specialist too.
I'd never heard of this before seeing your video, but reading the title I immediately recognised it! Learned helplessness is definitely a problem... I look back on times where I had goals I wanted to achieve and realise I was waiting for the right person to tell me I could, for the "mentor" figure to finally notice my potential etc. Choosing the small steps towards my goals has had much greater success than simply imagining the perfect future has. I realised as well that I wasn't imagining those first 5 steps because I was embarrassed about how "behind" I was. I also think a lot of us who've gone through life with undiagnosed neurodivergence and being told we should "be more organised" or "be less lazy" assume that we can somehow *decide* to suddenly be disciplined and organised one day. In truth, we're better off building skills step by step and also playing to our strengths rather than constantly trying to make up for things perceived as weaknesses.
I never realized the term "learned helplessness" 😮 I knew there was a reason, like I didn't feel worthy enough to do things for myself, but yes, this makes complete sense.
yes! it makes me happy to hear the input from another neurodivergent person. i have that exact feeling, where im just waiting around for the day i feel good enough to decide to be productive, hoping thatll start some chain reaction of productivity somehow. have you done any work on building your skills and playing your strengths? have you had any progress with that so far? i just have no idea what that looks like and cant even imagine it for myself. i feel like i have no strengths that would be useful for getting me out of this hole :(
Heidi. You have a brilliant mind and exceptional clarity in delivering knowledge & insight in your videos. Thank you so much for sharing in such an effective way. X
This felt like a punch to the gut but made so much sense. I do this all the time. Today I stopped and began thinking about ways to stay in the present with my goals. I’ve wondered the last few days why I can jog for an hour and a half straight but can’t sit down to code or design a level for my game without day dreaming. As I was breaking it down I realized that when I jog I find myself busy with things in the present: breathing, form, stride, and heart rate - all these distract me as I jog and suddenly it doesn’t feel like jogging, it feels like I’m trying to keep my breathing and heart rate under control. I ran a half marathon and did it just thinking about the present things and not the finish line. Today I realized I needed to find that very thing for my other tasks and goals. This video was very insightful and eye opening.
This video changed my life. I just wanted to come back and say thank you. Following the "what can I do in the next 24 hours to follow my dreams" rule, I have bought a notebook and it is now full! 😊 And I am so happy! I am still afraid of success, and to show people my work. But babysteps of actually doing this is lifechanging. ❤
Everything in this video felt like a personal punch to the gut, which is what I really need right now considering how much unresolved plans I have. Truly enlightening. Thank you for sharing. I'm gonna try looking at my current life situation as it is and making my plans more present-oriented. Gonna go back to this comment if there's any improvement, wish me luck! Edit: These past 2 weeks have been AMAZING. A lot of unrelated things currently happening in my life contributied to that, but this video was definitely one of them. Throughout the week, I cleaned up things from the past that are no longer relevant and plans for the future that are too grand to even think about at this stage. Focused more on the present and the little things that are currently happening. Letting go hurts a little, but it's mind-blowing how clear everything has become now. Nice and simple. Problems are still there, but they don't feel like they suck. Progress is very slow, but it's moving. Feels nice. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing these things with us. It means a lot.
@@mprosiles improvement's pretty alright. nowadays i've settled into a nice calm rhythm with a few occasional hiccups. as for what i did, i took what the video said and applied it to my own life. the most prominent changes in my personal life thus far: - started hitting up friends i always wanted to talk to again - put away things i don't really need and added the decorations i always wanted in my room - resolved unresolved project plans by either cancelling them or going through with them ASAP. - started actually selling things instead of just dwelling on business plans and theory. it's not much, but it's a start. - got laid - happier life in general with less procrastination My life's still far from perfect but gotta say this video was some solid advice
This completely changed my life, I’ve never had the awareness that this was what I have been doing but it truly is. Hard pill to swallow but I’m 46 and have started to feel the regret and bitterness of nothing coming to fruition. It was even difficult for me not to dissociate while watching this but I wrote it all down. I’m looking forward to viewing your other videos. Thank you.
I'm right there with u pal. Maybe reality is not as bleak as it seems though. It got you to the present and it got you past some real hardships. You and I are both survivors. We got here somehow and we're still trying . We're still moving towards the future but now we have a sense that what we want cannot be a fantasy. It has to start with who we are today and the next 24 hours. Good luck my friend. I've started this journey right here beside you. ❤
@@thersten what a beautiful reply to receive. Thank you. There is a reason for it all, isn't there? Perhaps contrast is necessary to propel us in the intended direction. I've since reassigned my fantasy to imagination to create reality rather than escape or override it. Conscious working with unconscious. I think it just might work. It is truly endearing how you use "us". How beautiful. That essence of connection is surely not fantasy but very much real and what the world is needing. And, it warmed my heart. Thank you.
@@bennyton2560 thank you, for the encouragement! For sure, might as well. I actually just turned 47 and quite certain it will be a great new start. No such thing as too late.
@@holyguano3608 I think that connection between all of us can be helpful. We're not alone and we're not as lost as we may feel sometimes. In my case Ive been able to overcome and make positive life changes several times , but then the rest of the time I found ways to just be content with what I have and fantasize about how things could be in the future without actually trying to change anything. I've found real reasons, excuses , sometimes just became indecisive of what I wanted to do or try and just ended up doing very little. And then some life event comes up and shakes me to the core about what I haven't done and how I've wasted so much time or focus on what seems trivial today. It's crazy how just 5 months ago I had very little to look forward too and today I'm in a pretty good place. I actually realized it at the time bc I've done it before. Had nothing and then reached a difficult goal in a matter of weeks. But I have to keep going. I can't stop and wait for another life event to spur me on. I know that in another 2 months I can make serious posit8 changes again. I just have to get more comfortable with getting uncomfortable. I have to make changes a priority. I have to focus on getting inspired by people like yourself who I feel I have so much in common with. Email me if u want to connect and support each other. Therstenhowl at Gmail.
This video resonated with me deeply. This is some of the best life advice I have ever received in all my 41 years. I used fantasy to disassociate for years, including a lot of 'future fantasy'. I have known for some time that I have an issue with disassociative fantasy and obsessing, but it was only while watching this video that I understood the full implications and impact this has had on my past, as well as how to start moving beyond this type of behaviour on an emotional level. At 41, I constantly feel a sense of grief for the lives I dreamed about but never lived - I feel very empty when I look back on my life, and I feel as if I have accomplished very little comparative to others in my age group, because I spent so much time living in fantasy rather than reality, sometimes without even realising it. I feel as if I have only started to truly live in the present over the past 2 years or so. I made attempts in the past, but did not have the financial education or support networks necessary to achieve my goals. My partner is much more financially aware and educated than I am, and with his help over the last 6 years I have slowly started to understand how to work towards the future in practical terms - because most of the things I wanted (stable housing, an education, a family) require a certain level of financial security. I am now living 'in the present' more than I ever have before, because each day is an opportunity to take practical steps towards our future goals. But I still struggle with feelings of shame and an inability to accept myself, and feeling like I need to be 'someone else' in the future in order for that to happen. Although I try harder to live in the present, I don't necessarily enjoy living with my present self, if that makes sense. After watching this video, I feel like this may be the last piece of the puzzle for me - to accept that who I am now is the basis of who I will become. Thank you for putting things into such clear, compassionate, and honest terms.
First off I want to say thank you so much for being so vulnerable by sharing this very intimate thought and self view of yourself. I resonate with you as I too feel this sort of grief for not living "my life" I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man who is so kind, smart, and financially literate whom I become defensive towards when I share my business ideas with. I am projecting my own insecurities while he is coming from a genuine place of curiosity and willing to help with the logistics. But hey you and I are becoming self aware AND being proactive by taking the steps to accepting ourselves Lots of hugs to you friend 💕
I’m 41 years old, almost 42, and you have just helped me to see and understand a big part of my paralysis and regrets in life AND helped me understand how to begin to remedy that! I can’t tell you how grateful I feel that I clicked on this video! Thank you for this wonderful video!❤
THANK YOU for "pointing out" that hedonism shouldn't be wholesale vilified because some of it is absolutely an aspect of being present in the moment / grounded / mindful. Sin-centered religions should admit this, it's part of why I think they're more toxic than constructive
ive been aware that i have a problem with fantasizing and escaping for the past few years (im 25). but this year when i came back home from a long shitty travel experience i decided i wasnt going to wait on anybody or anything to do the things i want. i started going out by myself, dressing how i want to, which is a huge step in the right direction for me. I definitly still struggle with "follow through" on my creative goals because of this future oriented mindset, instead of being in the present. im trying to fix that now. i think another part of why it may be hard for me to do things is that i am so aware of time running out. the only way out of this is to focus on today, and maybe tomorrow. i really hope i can fix this and do things i want to do creatively. i think your channel is going to be a big help, you hit the nail on the head with this one!
That time running out feeling doesn't go away, even late into future you'll still feel it. So take solace in that every thing takes longer to do, but staying in the present building your path each day/week will get you there faster than fretting of the clock ticking.
Wow…I’ve been struggling with this my whole life. Someone else that I follow called it “resistance”. The ideas and life that I want are so big that it leaves me overwhelmed and immobile. Your presentation narrows it down. I had quite a few savior fantasies as a kid and just journaled about not remembering good moments with my few friends as a kid-but they remembered. I can relate to every step…but instead of getting defensive, I feel stupid and childish when telling people what I want to do. This one woman looked at me like I was a nervous 15 year old asking for my first job when I am 38 and looking for a career change. Your insight is right on time and gives me a lot to reflect on. 🙏🙏🙏
10 years ago, I had ideas and aspirations of who I wanted to be and what I wanted to accomplish. As the years have slid by, I've noticed that my way of coping with the lack of follow-through is to stop fantasizing about my future. To me, not HAVING aspirations is somehow scarier than fantastical thinking. I've been in therapy for years trying to figure out why I am the way I am and how to move forward, but there's definitely a part of me that is refusing to let go of the familiarity of my current life. To me, that's my biggest hurdle right now. Your video was very helpful in clarifying some thought processes and it has raised further questions that I will continue to explore.
Mind blown...that one hit me in a way I didn't expect. The whole idea of choosing the right problems for you, and the signal that you're on the right path if you're enjoying all the steps without being overly focused on the perceived goal, is something I really needed to hear lately. Right now, the pull of the past is really stronger than the future because of regrets, but it's really been on my mind to try to get back on a creative path and focus on something to keep me present. My Dad spent a lot of his retirement on the "problem" of figuring out how differently-shaped chunks of wood could become interesting things to look at and generated a lot of enjoyment for not only himself but a lot of people around him in the process. I don't know if he ever realized how much people appreciated it (and still do), but I could see it from my vantage point (and still do)--he wasn't focused on making people pay attention to what he was doing, or "getting his name out there". He just did it because it was fun and relaxing, and the more he did it, the better they were, and the more fun it was. His stuff is all over town, and some of it is even hundreds of miles away.
I have searched and searched for the solution to my piss-poor follow-thru! This is it and as I have come to the realization that I am full of viable ideas but when it comes to bringing the to fruition, I commonly stop at the 40% mark. This has been so frustrating and the lack of motivation that descends is suffocating! Learning to discern fact from fantasy is a worthwhile pursuit and a possible solution to this ongoing and recurring issue. I know I am not living up to my potential and if I do not make the effort now, then when?
WOW!!! A lifetime of pain and self hate and shame and within a few minutes you identified what I could never see. I'm going to watch and listen and then I'm going to seek help. I guess the old saying is true..when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I'm putting everything on hold until I have dealt with this once and for all. Thank you.
Wow...this was truly jarring and so real and SO helpful. I'm about to turn 29 and I've been spiraling with regret and beating myself up about all the fantasies I had that never came true because I just "couldn't" make them happen. I have always struggled with mental illness and in a way sort of just accepted that I "can't" do certain things. I have always felt like I was wasting my life and that it was "too late" to start XYZ but it's not! I can start now. Taking real steps. Being present. Thank you so much for this. This has really made a difference for me.
I have followed your journey since you were a student. In recent months I have listened to most of your presentations. I have to congratulate you on the value and clarity of your learning and the empowerment you give me. You helped me through a difficult emotional period, after the loss of my wife. This episode has been monumental helping me see the steps I have to take to move forward. Thank you
I don't know what to say. I'm floored. This brought out so much in me that I've been struggling with for so many years. I've been in therapy since March and I've learned so much about myself, but this? I didn't realize I've been doing this all of my life. I feel such shame towards where I am in my life, and the things I haven't done. I have had so many ideas of what I want to do, but never had any real goals in mind or steps laid out to get there. I've been living in my head for so long it's taken me out of the present as a default. Thank you for this eye-opening revelation, Heidi, I really appreciate what you do.
Geez. So I started watching this and thought "Oh, that seems like how I used to be," until I got to 3 and 4. That's when it really started to hit, haha. This was an eye-opener.
I actually love living in the present moment, discovering new things that I like to do and new people that I like to meet. I kind of wish I had larger, bigger goals.
Same here ;) but remember you are living someonelses dream. Some jus't cant be crestive, sleep around, just jump on a bike and go.. socialize tec etc. My sollution now is to decimate the things I own. Not to minimsl but I'm selling a lot of stuff cluttering my life.Snd I'm fuckn finishing a book.
Stop blowing holes in my ship! Heidi, you are so good at showing me things about myself that I wasn't ready to see. But it's hitting so good, I can't stop listening to these sessions. I'm really building a deeper understanding of how I should be treating myself.
I have constantly failed to follow through in a lot of my endeavors lol, and i actually didn't realise something until I watched this video (and I have consumed so much self-help it's not even funny at this point) and that is the reason why I was constantly fantasizing was because I had to protect myself form my environment growing up, and as such I developed these "dreams" and "goals" that I would spend HOURS dreaming about just to escape form the reality I was in. And I mean I knew I had anxiety and been in therapy on and off for about three years now so of course I know that it has affected my life, but somehow I never saw this aspect: that it was younger me trying to protect me. Of course I wouldn't have been able to understand where you were coming from without all of this work I've put into myself and my mental health, but you are the first person I've sen who's made it THIS clear. Thank you so much for sharing this with us and in such a way that I actually don't feel bad, but I understand it so much better now.
Heide is the GOAT for these videos. The ideas are communicated extremely clearly and she also provides us with the next actionable step for us to take towards becoming "normal." Really appreciate all the hard work she puts into sharing her knowledge.
What you describe here hit home for me. When life is so miserable that you can't stand to think about how to change things or when you do the answer is that you have to grow up first, you learn very quickly to create future fantasies. This is especially true when you have a parent that does the same thing. In my family it probably goes back at least 4 generations. I am the one that stopped passing it down to my kids. (even though I still do this) One of the factors that (I feel) plays a large role in this is poverty. When you couple that with poor mental health, it creates or keeps this cycle going. I appreciate your insights about this and find your guidance very useful.
I have also recently learned that a big sign of this, especially in goals that involve relationships with other people, is that you're only thinking about what YOU are going to get out of those experiences. You aren't really considering what you actually have to bring to the table.
This is what I needed : ) When my therapist asks me about my 'unrealized potential' goals I tend to list all the difficult and unpleasant things that hold me back. But I think that those really might be the 'difficulties I would enjoy dealing with'.
100% Heidi. I have friends that just talk about ideas and never get to first base. MAKE A PLAN with a ROADMAP PLUS WAYPOINTS and TIMESCALES and GET IT DONE.GOOD LUCK EVERYONE.
I loved the section on trading one set of problems for better problems. Ive definitely focused on the highlight reel to keep myself motivated because I've always been dissatisfied with the present. Ive always started out strong with my goals but then reached obstacles that made me rethink everything. Fearing success even... not feeling like I could be the person who was capable of keeping up with that "better life". Fearing that Id get overwhelmed and fail anyway.
This is amazing. I realised that, for over a decade, I've been getting intensely angry and frustrated when people question (not in a mean way) whether I've really tried diligently enough to lose weight or when they give me actual good advice for getting healthier - it's because deep down, I did not ever beleive that I would be able to commit to the actions I'd need to take to lose weight and stay healthy long term. I. Love. Sweets. I love cakes, cookies etc. literally just having snacks in the house makes me feel calm. And, on top of that, I despise the feeling of being hot, out of breath or sweaty - you know, all the things that happen when you actually exercise and move your body. The bigger I get, the worse it all becomes, and the shame of existing in this body also adds to my hesitancy to go to the gym or go 'run (flail about)' outside. These things are, of course, far deeper issues that probably need tackling at some point, but your video certainly explains the fury and defensive jabs I throw when anyone shows faith in my ability to achieve my dream of being healthy and comfortable in my body again. It's a fantasy - not because it isn't possible, but because I don't beleive in it, I don't beleive in my ability to achieve it. Not really. Not now, not ever. I am always waiting for my inevitable moment of failure when I miss a gym session or eat three cookies in a row and give up. Once I can get to the bottom of why I lack faith in myself (because this doesn't just affect my weight, it affects my ability to achieve basically any of my desires), perhaps I can finally start being honest with myself about what things I am actually willing to give up or change, and then create a new, realistic goal list and start making steps to smash them!
I believe in you. I would recommend starting to exercise instead of trying to come up with why you don't believe in yourself. Likely, you have a problem with confidence in yourself because you have yet to prove to yourself that you are capable. That you are worth the effort. That comes from taking the first step. Then the next, and continuing until you have a routine. A few weeks in, you'll feel better about yourself, simply because you valued yourself enough to not give up. Regarding food: Think about what you love about your guilty pleasure foods, and choose a healthy alternative. If it's the sugar, try fruits, for example. You can really just search the internet for "healthy food alternatives for X." After changing your diet for a few weeks, your body will adjust to thinking the foods you liked before have too much sugar or too much oil, and you will prefer the healthier things. I am on a similar path. Wish you luck. Remember, you deserve to change your life. Don't wait until tomorrow.
I applaud you for admitting this. I want to share a bit of my journey with you. I spent most of my life overweight. Due to a health crisis, I began limiting foods , trying to solve my issues. I did a lot of research and experimenting before settling in to a low carb diet with intermittent fasting. My issues began to improve and I began losing weight rapidly. I was shocked at the changes, especially improved energy. I realized I had spent my whole life not knowing how to eat to fuel my body. It has been about 2.5 years since I lost the weight (70+ pounds) and my body is now so used to being in ketosis (fat burning mode) that I bounce right back into it even after a carb rich meal. I am not often tempted by sweets anymore because I value how I feel without them and because I have come up with alternatives that are not high in sugars or carbs. There is a way of eating that you can enjoy and be well with. I never thought a low carb diet would work for me since I don't like meat, but it worked like magic. When you realize how good you can feel from the foods you eat, you will find the foods that work for you. I just wanted to reach out because I understand the comfort food can bring. I understand the pressure others bring to such a personal matter. I want to reassure you that when you decide to find your way to your healthier diet, you probably won't miss or crave the foods you rely on now. BTW, I did zero exercise while losing the weight. Now, I want to exercise! Best wishes for you and your wonderful body, at any weight!
I cant stress enough, how much clarity and introspection I derive through your content. If there is one reason that I didn't end my life, years ago is because of how much information and hope you put out that resonate to a lot of individuals. Keep up the divine work.
I love that you didn’t say the usual “I didn’t XYZ because of you/you saved my life,” which imo gives away our own personal power - but rather, you attributed it to the helpful information she puts out…which YOU then had the strength and self awareness to hear, assimilate, and thus save yourself 💖 So, today, I’m grateful for and proud of her AND you!
Brilliantly, succinctly well-put. Demolishes the delusional hope that many of the religious/self-help/motivational guru types sell. Hopefully The Algorithm recommends this to the people that need it.
This is absolutely gold! I'm just going through grief of my business failure and I'm recognising a lot of seemingly unrelated issues that deeply sabotaged my steps. Such as the way I take care of my body and how I feel about the way I look. My business idea requires for me to be seen but I hold a lot of shame around my body based in past trauma. The default coping mechanism I developed is to dissociate, shrink my presence and make myself invisible. My first step actually is to choose to look after myself so that I feel better in my body here and now. It is so simple but it feels extremely profound to address. I have a lot of passion for what I'm trying to do and the problems that come with it don't feel like an issue but I neglected myself along the journey and then had more and more insecurity and default coping mechanism going on. You reminded me that I lack follow through in taking good care of my physical self before any business. Thank you. Fantastic work Heidi. Much love. 🙏
I feel like a good antidote to some of this is accepting that even if you get your dreams it still won’t be a flawless image like your fantasy, so you can work toward it with less specific expectations
This was really helpful! I’m a chronic procrastinator struggling with mental health and grad school. I constantly create this fantasy that I can finish all my writing, research, and data in a second and never do it when I say I will. Accepting that this thought process is a fantasy honestly is so helpful
I am definitely a dreamer, when things get a bit dull I like to form “plans” and I will take them to wild conclusions without taking many of any of the first steps. I think many of these do have real potential but getting stuck in this fantasy stage is a major hurdle to be mindful of. Thank you for this
"What's coming up for me?" Your video is very appropriate for what I struggle with: decades of indecision in the area of career/income. I have allowed myself too many choices and I struggle with indecion. I think I cant decide often, but Im seeing that this is left over trauma that's connected to my childhood. I have spent alot of my life "fantasizing" even when I had potential to develop from. I need to look more closely and honestly based upon myself, at the problems I like solving (within the area of developing an income). Thank you for that strategy. Also, thank you for saying that no future is going to be without challenging emotions and that we have to learn to be present with these. That makes me feel less pressure to heal or as though these emotions can be dissolved. " We cannot personally develop our way out of these."
I cried. You touched on so many ideas that I've journalled about for years... Such a relief to finally have it laid out in front of me, in a clear (non judgmental) way. Thank you so much
Wow. This video feels made perfectly for me, but I know that's because there are so many of us out there. And to all of you, I wish everyone good luck, perseverance, support, understanding, and support.
One thing I do that contributes to this sort of cycle is setting up "quests" for myself. "I can't start my idea because I don't have the equipment." "Well now I need to take online courses on how to use the equipment." "Well, now I need more equipment for this particular scenario." Etc.etc.
I want to point out that getting out of debt is sometimes phenomenally hard/impossible. It's important when we situated in the present that we are real about our conditions and what it truly means to solve them. Sometimes solutions aren't just with ourselves but must involve an engagement in the things beyond ourselves. Eg, unionizing.
That was amazing. I have at least 5 or 10 fantasy futures that probably fit into this category, and the signs really struck home, as well as the idea of having some kind of plan that involves working on things in the next 24-72 hours. Often I get sucked into indecision about the "right" way to move forward or worrying about a problem that would need to be solved much further down the road (e.g. "if I make this app for Android phones, what if it gets really successful but the best market was actually iPhones...", or "if I make a million quid, then I'd have to figure out how to pay tax on it" or other "problems of success"). Sometimes that "ah but what if" problem-detecting part of my brain is so powerful that it just shuts down any urge to act in the moment.
I am 50 and Im glad I heard this in my 50s. One of the most important and succinct, life changing therapy session summaries I’ve ever experienced. God bless you Heidi! Well done masterclass🙏🏾
As I listened to the video, I could feel the self-pity creeping in. I also knew that this was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. From the time I was very young, I used this fantasy world to escape my real life. I still find myself projecting into the future and ignoring my daily life. I wasted my whole life dreaming about the person I wished I could be because I didn’t believe my real self had any value. I was surrounded by gaslighters and flying monkeys. I no longer have contact with them(haven’t for years) but still have doubts about my worth. I will watch this video over and over. I think it can break the spell. You are BRILLIANT! Thank you.
How! Dare! You! How DARE you 1) call me out like this lmao, and 2) make one of the best, most insightful, most helpful RU-vid videos I’ve ever seen?! Anyways. Thank you, immensely.
I feel like my life has been explained to me in a video. Anxiety of ending up with a terrible life has definitely propelled me into movement, but I still struggle with future fantasies. Would LOVE a video on realistic techniques to become more present!!
I KNOW IM COMMENTING ALOT. It is because I'm watching this vid and I comment when what I hear hits home. At the 16 minute mark: this is where I'm at. 61 years old. A lifetime wasted. Those younger than me you do not know the pain... Take action now. It does not get better unless you face your demons now. A life of quiet desperation is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
It all comes down to what pains you are willing to deal with, and understanding the relationship said pain has with what you are trying to achieve. Lack of context around pain, mindless generalisation of pain as undesirable - lead to escape. Pain is as much of a part of our experience as anything else. Running away from it chronically and mindlessly can really f🪨ck you up. I'm still unlearning and relearning attitudes myself. Thank you for this video 🤝❤️.
What a wonderful video! I've been hiding in this fantasy world for the last 9 to 10 years.. I'm 44, up until 35 I was investing in my dreams, a few times reaping amazing things but many others just getting frustrated, up until I just felt tired... so I gave up, kept going on autopilot. During the pandemic I finally woke up, decided to retake that path, but it's hard! And one of the hardest things is to put our feet down from the fantasies we had and felt frustrated about.
"Find your hard" My mom shared this with me when I was upset about not losing weight I wanted. And that's a really easy one to compare: Do you want to eat what you want but possibly not feel good about your body, deal with issues being large, etc or do you want to have to calorie county and forego treats but maybe you get the body you want. Neither is technically correct, it's just picking YOUR hard. I picked a middle ground healthy enough...
good lord this might be the single most important video I've ever watched. Tears in my eyes, how have I never come across this information in all my years of searching.
I saw a psychologist this summer for problems related to this and other problems. It quickly turned out there was no conventional treatment plan available so my psychologist tried some unconventional things and it worked. Maybe if you find one who also is willing to try out things I think you can get there too.
Thank you! The past few days I've been trying to notice when I'm fantasizing and bringing my attention back to the present moment or to how I feel in my body and it seems to be helping @@bigbadlara5304
I feel attacked lol. This hits home in every way. I mean everything you said is stuff I basically know, but hearing you say it out loud and directly is pretty eye opening. I'm about to turn 36 this year and I've been this way for long as I can think. I've always had dreams of big and wonderful things I want to do in the future that I rarely follow through with. Now, at my age, the reality of how I've failed to follow through on so many things is very depressing. I also feel like I have no sense of identity. The biggest things I've failed at that I can think of are getting ingood physical shape at a weight I want to be at, becoming fluent in Japanese, learning guitar, cosplaying, and so on. One thing I am actually recently working on is growing my hair out. It's not much of a goal, but it's something I wanted to do again since I got out of the army but I have always backed out of when I got to the awkward stage. Currently it's the longest I've had it since high school. I also worked on losing weight after gaining so much during covid and I was doing alright for a while and even had a personal trainer, but I fell off the last couple months, so I am working on getting back on track. I feel I don't have the luxury of time any more and there is so much I want to do that the weight of it all can be too much at times. Living in that fantasy is so easy to fall back on. I'll take these words to heart and use them as a sort of mantra to never forget to stay in reality and take actionable steps towards the things I want
This was my 20s in a nutshell. Having kids made me have to switch gears, and i started therapy, and found new ways to disassociate. Just last night i realized ive been doing that again. I don't want that with my kids, but sometimes it feels like it creeps in when i don't even realize I'm getting to a bad spot. I am grateful for the knowledge my therapist has shared to recognize it though, and tools to redirect myself to a place i can take a step back and reassess. It makes all the difference.
Powerful video! Here are some questions/quotes stated throughout the video that resonated with me. Hope this will help someone else. 😊 *You don't ground yourself in the present enough to take action on your goals. *What about our lives as they are today is incompatible with the goal that we have for the future? *Are you thinking a lot about what you're going to be doing in the next 72 hours to work towards your goal? Or, when you think about your goal are you largely thinking WAYYY into the future without a lot of awareness of what's going to happen between now and then? *Which of my current problems do I want to trade in for different problems that I like better? *A good life is about having a life full of problems you like. *Nobody wakes up in the morning magically living the life they want. *Everyone has the capacity to do something in the next 24 hours of their life that brings them closer to the future they actually want. *To have an escapist's worldview means to hold tight to the belief that something we could do or figure out in the future will absolve us from pain forever, but that's not an option for any of us.
There's an almost comedic thing to the fact that my "future fantasies" are "having goals". I haven't had much in the way of goals because I never learned how to form goals, let alone plan towards them. What I internalized from everything I read and was taught was "Aim high and reach for the stars and you'll catch them" and also "there is a plan for you, follow God and you'll be happy" (except that it seems like this was just a convenient way to avoid teaching people long term planning and blaming them for 'not following God's plan' if things end up badly for them) But when it comes to things like... "I want to make this food for supper tonight", I can set up a plan and execute it fairly well. Right now, I think what I need to do is learn to be more in the present, more at home with myself, and more in tune with my desires so I can figure out what it is I really want, rather than what I was told to do because of my interests/talents.
You're dropping absolute bars. 26 minutes of point-blank-range BARS. My brain has finally skidded to a halt, I finally got my marching orders: what can I do in the next 24-72 hours? THIS keeps all my plans REAL. No more 10 years fantasies when my binoculars can only reach up to 72 hours max. Lady!! You've done more for me just now than you'll ever know!!
