Creating Loving Discipline 

#selfhealers, I'm interested, what is your own personal relationship to discipline? What struggles do you have? -Nicole

Creating Loving discipline is the key. Without structure and organization it’s hard to feel free.

I was hardly beaten multiple times by my brother and my parents were not saying anything because as an African, my household was finding it normal of him « protecting » me as he was the big brother. I finally understand how hard it made me in my relationships... I am growing, still need to speak to my family about it and understanding that I can’t wait my entire life for their apologies but for me to grow and understand my trauma and then theirs...thanks for this video Ps:We need to break the cycle of agressivity in African households and big brothers beating sisters as a normality....

I found this helpful. Thank you. I’m realizing that I was so neglected that I made myself SO small! I never got into any trouble because I stayed quiet and “good”. Nonetheless, I do have a lot of shameful inner thoughts.

Thank you for this. Community played a significant role in my disciplinary experience. I grew up in a name and shame community, where everybody's knee-jerk reaction was to shame "wrong" behaviour that they didn't understand. You couldn't escape it. It was especially hard as the first openly gay person in my community. This followed me into adulthood where I eventually struggled with constant paranoia around my own thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and behaviours. I was labelled all sorts of things in my teenage years for intentionally and unintentionally challenging the status quo. This lead to spending much of my early 20's trying to "prove" to my community that I could be like them, even when I had already moved away and gone off to university. All of my disciplinary behaviour was centered around gaining their approval-- and my own approach became the name and shame approach in the process in every aspect of my life. I now understand that I grew up in a community that did not value diversity of opinion or difference. My early 20s were miserable because I disciplined myself in a way that denied me of my true self. I whipped myself into silence, conformity, and heteronormativity; and I can still hear the sound of disapproval in my head sometimes. Fortunately, now, my loving discipline practice is evolving and is centered around holding my thoughts and behaviours accountable to my true self rather than holding my true self accountable to my thoughts and behaviours-- many of which are sometimes still automatic, knee-jerk reactions of self-shame that have been deeply ingrained over the years. By staying true to myself as an act of discipline, I tapped into those inherent loving qualities that were already with-in me: acceptance, compassion, patience, etc. and these reactions now fill the space of what was once shame.

Coming from an abusive family. Abuse was often rationalised as discipline. Food and water was withheld from me apart from yelling and screaming and constant rejection as a form of punishment. By the time I learned something was deeply wrong with my household, I had already turned into a rebel and almost cringe at the idea of discipline. I couldn’t see the true value of discipline because it was used as a form of abuse by my mother. Though she herself wasn’t a disciplined woman. Now that I have moved to another country and I’m all by myself, there are certain skills that I lack and I don’t understand why m having hard time disciplining myself and learn those skills. I’m struggling at college and afraid of people. This video made an important distinction between loving discipline and disciplinary abuse. It’s been helpful a lot. Thanks.

I shame myself for migraines and panic attacks because I was punished for those things when I was a kid (my parents thought I was making them up or throwing fits). So when I miss work or social plans for a migraine, I first doubt my own pain then I feel the urge to punish myself by restricting myself from doing things even when I am feeling better.

Discipline is where I have struggled the most. Currently my discipline is almost non-existent. Even keeping one small promise a day feels like a mountain right now. Thank you, I appreciate you Nicole.

Had a really large lack of discipline both from and modeled by my parents as well as within my school (I was sort of a 'lazy genius' type that regularly was late with assignments, but submitted stellar work). I've grappled with a great deal of shame surrounding the fact that this was the case. I certainly knew better, but got into the habit of simply knowing better being enough. I shamed myself for feeling like I should just be able to turn on a switch and be disciplined, which as an adult I now know there are significant barriers to me doing that at scale (I have MDD/PDD and ADHD). But this shame was debilitating in allowing me to do the actual work of rectifying these behaviors and habits. The first step was letting go of the shame, and then moving towards better habits gradually and stepwise. Thank you for this video.

I am really looking forward to reading your book😊

Future-self journaling has been a game-changer and I am getting my children involved as well. My therapist references your videos and I truly appreciate the work you do for all of us.

That's what my mother used to do when she was really angry with me as well - she withdrew her affection and wouldn't speak to me. And since she was a single mother and I had no siblings I didn't have anyone else to go to when this happened.

My mom did both. Screaming yelling/distancing. Punishment was inconsistent and depended on her mood/situation. Which (as I’m typing this I realize) is exactly how her mother was with her.

This is so smart. I restrict and shame myself ALLLLLL the time. So much so I didnt realise just how much until I seen this video. Thank you 🌹❤🌹🎁

It seems that discipline leads to freedom. But I struggle with it. It seems that doing "the small things" might be a more productive approach with more lasting results. Thanks Dr Nicole!

You're the therapist I've always needed. 💜

This video is here because I’m not the only one This video is here because I’m not the only one This video is here because I’m not the only one

This video is amazing. I have gotten so much journaling an inner work from this talk. Thank you

Thank you Nicole, the last part to be wise parent to myself resonate the most with me. I'm going to practice that more. I'm not saying I'm not already doing it but I'm going to do more

Thank you so much for your videos, I have my clients watch them and they get so much from them, including myself! So grateful Doc🤍🤍🙏

This title reminded me of The Road Less Travelled 🧡 Thank you for this one Nicole

This is great advice and something I had been given as a download and have been practicing over the last few months. Thanks for sharing!

I didn't have much in the way of discipline and didn't require much, being neglected I shrunk myself and was low maintenance. Until puberty, then there was some yelling, continued emotional abandonment, and then they just let me do whatever I want. I have a great deal of shame and not a whole lot of self discipline. I'm not quite sure how to apply this to my circumstances but I'd really like to try.

Love you Nicole, thank you so much ❤️ You are playing such a fundamental part on my healing journey ♥️♥️♥️♥️

Siblings. So much damage can be done by them. My half sister told me over and over that it was my fault that my dad beat my mom. Nobody ever talks about that. I was punished for something I didn't do, but by a sibling

my inner child feel seen and heard through this video. thank you 🙏

Making a small promise to ourselves and keeping it in a loving way = loving discipline

Being mindful, respectful and caring to ourselves is key!

I just can't get enough of your videos. Specially when I feel super anxious and down like at this moment. Just listening to you speaking helps me getting calm. so thank you! 😊

Thank you so much for this!!

I needed this message today.

“Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist” ~ Pablo Picasso. And YES! Be kind to yourself! No “ double” punishment! ❤️

Thank you for sharing this 💚

Hi, THANK YOU SO MUCH !! 😮😮FOR THIS video!! Extremely important!!! 🎉🎉🎉 i / my brian needed this !!

This is so helpful! Thank you Nicole!💗

Thank you Nicole for everything you do, I appreciate you:)

Thank you so much for this video! It's really accurate, very careful and insightful! Thank you! You're a really good speaker! ❤ And you look gorgeous, by the way.

💖💖💖thank you Doc.

Hello, im a big fan, im a live in support worker in Calgary i love your content its helped alot in my work.

Brilliant!! 🙏💕✨

I preordered you book, can't wait for it 😊

beautiful, learnt a lot, thank you❤️

Love this Nicole!

Thankyou so much beautiful soul 💕

I’m very structured and disciplined but didn’t have that growing up. I must have learned somewhere along the way that it makes me happy. I never learned how to balance it with kindness to myself though and I always wonder if I’m overcompensating.

Thanks Nicole 😊

Great video, thank you 😊 🙏

Thanks 🙏

you look amazing! naturally beautiful I can't really describe how i feel.. i do love you just by looking at you peace 🧡🧡

Listening to this really triggered me ,only a few minutes in tears started to fall down my cheeks and. had an ache in my heart ,my mum never disciplined me as I child she told me I didn't really do anything wrong to make her have too ,I remember just loving my mother so much I wouldn't ever go against what she said .Then I remember my father coming into my life around the age of five ( he was in prison when I was little ) now he would shout and hit me ,rag me around ,throw me in my room .As an adult I don't allow myself any pleasure other than cannabis and coffee ,literally i hardly eat ,I wear shitty clothes ,don't take care of myself ,my hair ECT and I have an internal dialogue that sounds like my father ,telling me how fuking useless and pathetic I am ,iv been this way so long .....I actually feel broken inside .

Fabulous

How to you reward and validate yourself? I didn't really feel validated and wasn't rewarded for anything so I don't know what that looks like. When it comes to being a child at school though, being rewarded was usually through a treat like candy or stickers or whatever but it doesn't really have the same effect as an adult and I feel like it could lead to eating candy to self soothe or something unhealthy if there's already a lack of discipline.

What are examples of small, daily promises? I always try to do too much and never feel like I did enough and sometimes do nothing to avoid feeling bad. What are some good starting points for a procrastinator

I have been following you for a while know and I have been learning so much about personal growth. I have been feeling very sad for a few days and watching some of your videos today has really helped me. Thank you 🙏 Do you offer any kind of online counselling?

I find that wise inner parent voice to allow myself to fall short because of whatever excuse (drained, change is hard etc) almost impossible to cultivate for myself. Is there a stepping stone to learn how to do that? You probably have a whole section on inner parenting i should look into...lol. Thanks!

Everything got worse and I became my worst version. Name thy evils and they "sharpen their knives".... shall I sheppard or expell them? What is the true healing that bears any end... and leads to freedom? Is it my ego clinging to hurt?

Can we get another person to "be a witness & give input when we as" to help get the stuck wrench out of the spokes while we are executing the small steps?

Hi great content. If due to bad childhood and narcissistic mom and family we have developed some self destructive addictive sabetoir pattern of escape from tense set up. Now we are grown up and want to get rid of it but body is wild beast. How to discipline and teach our body to leave survival strategy and live happily?

I still need some else to validate EVERYTHING I do.... I'm 59 and alone. If nobody knows or sees I cleaned the house, why do it? I need somany pats on my back, it's just not realistic. I just don't care unless someone else cares...

I read: restricting yourself of food and then all the rest and went like: all of the above ma'am, now what did I win?

Could anyone please share their tips on how to reward yourself? I do praise myself with warm words when I keep a promise, but sometimes it does not feel enough. My mom used to praise me as a child too, but it often had a negative undertone to it - that's why it's hard to believe my own words as well. I think an action would have more meaning to me - but what should it look like? The only thing I can think of is letting myself eat 'yummy' food, but I do not want to rely on that solely. :)

Oooh, my mother has ignoring, or removal. And Ive tried so much to acomplish so many things, and nothing could do the work. Not to say, that I dont know how to play, it is like you were never a child. And it is like you have restriction to enjoy in life. And I have a problem to keep the promise, because I dont know what would I like to do for myself. What I like, need. Like I dont have myself anymore. I wanted to ask one question if you see my coment. I started to do yoga practice and had instructor for. After doing yoga, sometimes I get owerwhelmed with anxiety. Instead of grounding myself, I get the opposite, disconnect. Can you please make some video, from youre perspective why could this thing happen. Sometimes this anxiety rise up hi, and keeps going for several days. Thank you🙏

I also remove and restrict. How to unlearn?

I have a question if we have had super disciplined parents who have punished us when we didn't achieve things or did something wrong, and then we have started the "healing" work... can we experience being in the opposite side of the spectrum (from being too much to be undisciplined)? I mean, in my own experience: I have been an extremely organized person, but two years ago when I started my healing work I really get so undisciplined but I didn't realize until now... nowadays I feel that I need to find that intermediate point on the spectrum. Does this make any sense for you?

Please put bigger captions. Too small to read😣♥️

Just my experience; Discipline became mixed up and confused with duty, obligation and obeying imposed rules (my parental modeling)... I certainly wanted the personal rewards of discipline but my subconscious aversion to duty, obligation and imposition stepped in and ‘discipline’ became unpleasant, something to avoid and procrastinate around and represented duty, obligation etc... both involve rules, boundaries and consequences but, to me, discipline is for self control, knowledge, empowerment, advancement and gain, while duty, obligation and imposed rules are for another’s control and gain.. often, if you don’t have the discipline to obey then the self consequences are negative .. the ‘reward without effort’ experienced by spoilt, entitled millennials, the instant gratification of social media, fast food and screens, along with other addictions and distractions, pushes discipline further into the background with a reputation of unnecessary ‘sanctimonious old man know it all’ baggage from a bygone era.

3:31

I was beaten as punishment

Nice tan,

Such a helpful video and an area I've not known how to approach without completely being harsh on myself. thank you so much these prompts are gold