THIS is how to end your people-pleasing 

1. I am Safe to disappoint peaple 2. I can NOT be everything to everyone 3. I take Care of Me.

Sadly as a People Pleaser, I found out that if you "save the day" enough times. Others end up expecting you to "save the day" every time....... Thank You for the info!!

"The more you please them, the more they depend on you." I learned this the hard way. 😮‍💨

In childhood, I had to do all I could to please my mother, even at my own emotional expense. If I didn't, she could erupt in anger. So now, I struggle with thinking of myself and my own feelings. In every interaction, I feel a need to be who others want or need me to be.

“Let them feel whatever.”

No one talks about how lonely it is to say no. People expect you to sacrifice yourself for their gain and if you say no, they stop talking to you. Why does no one ever talk about this?!

I've learned that saying no to others when I used to say yes all the time has made me more enemies than friends. I get more grief trying to care for myself, which I was not allowed to do EVER, instead of dropping everything and helping someone work on their crisis -- knowing that I would not get that same respect back. Finished with that. People are just going to have to get mad and be disappointed. I'm working on not feeling intense shame and guilt for not helping. It's still really difficult. Thank you, Nicole.

❤❤❤ "How do I feel? What do I feel? What do I need?" THIS🎯🎯🎯

I was taught as a female in a large male family that the guys were patted on the back for setting boundaries. The female's were shamed for being selfish!! I grew up being a people pleaser. Now I know better.

I call it Captain Save a hoe. I’ve struggled with this for my whole life. I know it’s because I felt abandonment from my mom, but I hate that I always put all my energy to others, and never put that energy on myself. I’m learning thanks to you! ❤

'I am safe to disappoint people' made my mind exlode (in a good way 😊). THIS is exactly what my people pleasing tendency is rooted in. The negative impact people pleasing has had for me is that the resentment builds up until I have an episode of explosive anger and end up harming the relationships I am so afraid of losing. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom Dr. Nicole. ❤

Very helpful video. Thank you! People pleasing often overwhelms me, and to get relief I end up cutting people out of my life. Instead of having proper boundaries in the first place.

Over the past 20 years, I've been on a people-pleasing journey, constantly trying to gain approval from others. A massive change in my life forced me to self-reflect, and I realized some hard truths. No matter what you do for certain people, they will always hate you and never change their minds about you. People-pleasing often leads to tons of disrespect that you tolerate just because they are your friends and family. Just like in the story of the man and the donkey, sometimes over-caring leads to self-destruction or the destruction of something valuable.Just like Harvey said, "When they know you care, they will walk all over you".I'm not saying don't care but sometimes you should care enough for yourself to walk away from relationships that are not worth saving. When you don't matter to certain people, you try to give them more. Once they realize you're not going to leave no matter what they do, they will never change. "Some people are like anchors. If you are tied to them, you will drown." When you reach a point where you question whether a relationship or friendship is worth saving, it's a clear sign to ponder deeply. This question wouldn't arise if everything was fine. It will hurt, and the decision won’t be 100% beneficial, but if you don’t leave, you’ll always wonder what it would be like if you did. Being blessed with a soft heart doesn't mean you should place it on the road and let people walk all over it. Give some of the love to yourself that you are giving to others. Hope this helps perplexed people pleasers to their badass era.

Just what I needed to hear. I am not responsible to make sure others are doing oke, I am responsible to make sure I am oke. Sadly not all people in my life agree with that and throw the most hurtful remarks when I state my boundaries. Its absolutely heartbreaking, but if I dont respect my boundaries, who will? Not them aparently. Its hard to do whats right for yourself and to not feel selfish or like a bad person.

I can always tell if I've been over-people pleasing, when it starts to feel like a one-way street, especially when I start setting boundaries with clients or in relationships, and they give me a hard time about it!!

I was a massive people pleaser and a emotional thinker because I would put other people's feelings before mine. I kept getting conned and used by people. Because I was either to trusting and didn't realise people were using me. And I had to learn that people are thinking about themselves and will like to take from people to get what they want. A lot of people are self motivated and like being in the superior position. If they see someone have something they want they want to take it for themselves. I had to learn to say no to people because people kept trying to take things from me. I had to learn a lot of people are hypocrites they would take someone else's but they would not give away anything to other people . A lot of people like to see if people are stupid enough to give them something if people are talking about money or a opportunity they would like for themselves. That's why I have learned to not to overshare and notice peoples facial expressions and tone of voice to see if they are insincere. Putting our feelings first is the best thing to do. If people show disrespect they lack respect. I have learned to ignore arrogant big mouths types they are all the same type of people. They all love to make a fool out of people. The users .takers, sarcastic people,snobby people, backstabbers, preachy people. That's why it's best no to be to polite because people can use politeness against people. If people say no they can say that's not nice. Be kind. We should do what is in our interest and just walk away if we think people are using us. We should do what is good for us

Thank you, Nicole. You words, reflections and depth of understanding a person with CPTSD are truly astounding. It's like you are rummaging around in my brain, touching all the broken bits and showing a way to heal them. My BIGGEST hurdle has been and always will be not know what "healthy" looks like. I can't tell you the times I've sat here thinking "ok, I see that I developed this particular behavior as a way to feel safe, to cope, and can see how it is actually harmful to me (and to others) . So, now that I see this pattern, how do I do it differently? How do I respond, resolve conflict, & state my needs in a healthy way as I was never taught how growing up. How to view the world from the inside out instead of the outside in." That is where your work in invaluable beyond measure. It has become my North Star, my compass heading me in the right direction. Learning what healthy and whole looks like is the secret to sucess. Thanks again for leading by example.

"We cannot be everything to everyone. We will disappoint the ones we love the most. This is part of being human."

First 30s is the best description of this I've heard so far I think. We betray ourselves.

The journaling thing is what I do in the form of a text in which I write and say EVERYTHING I’m thinking. Then, I’ve LEARNED to not send it immediately, but saving it and editing the next day, or not sending it at all.

Appreciate how you sight examples in your videos and shorts. Stop, Look, Listen.

Yay! Love this topic and your words. As a card-carrying former People Pleaser, I have changed. It wasn't easy and I lost some relationships along the way, but I know if they were based on what I did for someone else, they weren't real or healthy relationships -- they were transactions.

O.M.G. I had to go through my history to find this video so I could say Thank You!!! because these words just came out of MY mouth: "I am sorry, I don't think I can do that right now."

Can totally resonate.❤.. The person I had to disappoint did not accept the boundary and became verbally abusive..and offended that I had stood up for myself, but I realised I was just appeasing them to keep the peace, I didn't feel like myself etc.. In the end I had to walk away, causing further guilt, but continuing working on myself now.

This is so helpful. I’m just realizing how much I was affected by my childhood and how to love myself by respecting my feelings and creating healthy boundaries. Thank you!

This has been the best lesson on people pleasing I have seen. Never too late, thankyou 💓

I am hearing that song by "Linkin Park" called "Breaking the Habit" right now!! I'm breaking the habit of people pleasing!

I’ve suffered from this most of my life! But I’m excited to try this going forward! Thank you! Many blessings.

To bond or emesh?.. that is the question!

Thank you for taking the time to make this RU-vid. I recently realized that I'm a codependent people pleaser. I've been living like this for 50 years. It hasn't been fun thanks to you and other people that have made RU-vid. I now am living a life of peace and love and joy and it started with me having a relationship with God.

Thank you❤ very precious helpful advice. Hope I remember to pause first and affirm I am safe to disappoint people. I take care of me.I admit it is indeed difficult to not want to escape this uncomfortable situation. Boundary setting still seems terrifying at times, still practicing. It seems like distancing and isolating is the only option left for many to avoid durther draining conflict and justification as to why your walls and red flag and bs detectors are flared up.Only animals and nature provide comfort as navigating any human interaction or worse group dynamics is becoming extremely difficult for hsp and neurodivergents and cptsd afflicted alike.

Thank you once again for a great, informative, and insightful video. It is extremely helpful and assists in filling my toolbox. I people pleased to the point of sacrificing my very being and giving away all the positive things I had in my life that I worked hard for and rightfully earned just to get anyone to care about me. Even if they treated me like shit and were blatantly using me, I just gave and did for anyone. It backfired. I ended up getting more abused and disrespected. I’ve come a long way but it took me a very large chunk of my life. This is one of the best tutorials on how to break that habit, deal with the negative emotions that go along with doing that, and put myself first for a change. I’ve done a lot of this work, like I said but this just added to it so much in 14 mins. People pleasing and fawning are very difficult survival mechanisms and behaviors to overcome. You spelled it out so well. ❤

Thankyou so much. I have done this my whole life and am know so drained that i cant even go to work. What happens at the highest level is that you loose everything. Your marriage, family etc. And they know you are struggling yet, the response is get on with it or they dont even check in that you are okay. Wow what a cruel set of people i have engaged with, not even an offer of there couch to sleep on or a can i help you. Thankyou for the visuals as i have your books and struggle to comprehend them at present. But these visuals help me so much. I am grateful. Blessings to you. 🙏🤗

I learned you have to love yourself as if your life depends on it! It took the death of my husband 2.5 years ago to take a long hard look at myself. I was a life long people pleaser…I made myself available to my whole family and answer ed yes all the time. I changed that at pattern…it was tough and I received a lot of push back. I did successfully set boundaries and I can report I feel so confident now that I created the space for me time.

I am soo grateful for you . Ever since I found that all I was doing was trying to make others feel happy, I’ve been berating myself so now I’m teaching myself to be kind and patient with myself while learning I come first and of course there is pushback but I’m sticking with the truth that I am a worthwhile person who deserves to also be made happy . Thank you Nicole❤

I have learned to think before answering and the delay has taught me more about myself and what I'm willing to give, and if what I get from it is worh it to me. People tend to manipulate you into doing things and once you're "in it" you feel stuck. Step out of the forest, look at all of the trees and remove any emotion from the situation. If this were someone else's problem and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them? Then....follow that advice.

My greatest gift in life is having 2 people in my life that are recovering people pleasers like me. It is a joy to hear....."If you can or want to and No is ok. Will you......." I can say No without even a gut feeling of guilt because they truely have consideration for who I am and how I feel. Generally their request is to watch the grandchild or grand dog which I can not refuse as that is a dose of fun and unconditional Love to fill me up. Who refuses pure organic medicine?

Dear Dr Nicole, 💖💐 You truly are blessed to know, having experienced or learnt in any other way, what you know & feel and be able to articulate it so well so any one who feels/acts this way or knows some one, can easily understand and learn to deal with it in their journey. In our part of the world, Sri Lanka, amidst all the suffering due to corruption & self serving policy, we would not be able to ever afford the luxury of having a one on one meeting with you so this is the next best thing & it is so helpful. Wishing you the best of health ❤ May you go from strength to strength You have the blessings of all the people you touch & assist in healing 🙏

Thank you Greetings from Germany

Love this format for sharing your teaching! Much easier to take in the information this way! Thanks so much for a fantastic video!

I can’t thank you enough for this useful practices 🙏💜💜💜

I love listening to you. You are so soothing haha

I would say yes or agree, then build resentment and cancel at last minute. Im not proud of that behaviour, Ive lost friends but Im working on my communication.

Learning different behavior is never easy! Great advice & helps you stay true to yourself!❤❤

🙏🏽Thank you! (Listen from Sweden)

I feel that if I do not want to watch the dog for any reason, offering to help them find someone that can, just might be trying to cover up guilt I should not be feeling because I said no.

I’ve had an issue with people pleasing my whole life and I’m finally starting to break out of it at the end of my 30s

Thank you Nicole! I am crying in a good way ❤

I love you and your work. You have helped me SO much. Thank you!!!

I needed this🙏😢

She is EXCELLENT

I was everything to every one..... Didn't work. Save your energy!

Great video!!!

Stop people pleasing cause people cant be pleased

Love your video class-type explanations so so helpful and easy to remember. I recpmend you everytime I can

Thank you ❤

Thanks for also using DBT skills as well.

I’m ready.

Thank you!

Problem is, my career in entertainment was based on that. And i loved it.

Thanks you from Portugal ❤!

Thank you

Thank you 🙏🌹

Thanks so much 😊

Does this extend beyond saying yes to stuff? Like I find it really hard to say anything to my cleaner, when she misses things / does a bad job / on her phone all the time etc 😑

"I am safe to disappoint people I cannot be everything to everyone I take care of me "

Hello my name is Ryanne and I am a recovering ❤️‍🩹 people pleaser

The problem is, I never know what I want to do

Wife here...Because of spiritual beliefs, I thought I had to do, pay or fix because he was my husband. He ended up brutally abandoning me in the woods. Took money. Broke all snow mobiles and other expensive items. Ran away with all I bought. Never looked back. Called me a narc. ..is when I started learning

How do you deal with the voice and the real feeling that after saying no and set a boundary, you have 'sinned' or done something terribly wrong? Like you're a bad person and the CONVINCING voice that you are; so that you can't even 'enjoy' the space from having said no, and wonder if you should've said 'yes' instead?

The hair.. Jennifer Anniston in Y2K. Outdated. I disappoint people daily with my bluntness but I'm ok with it now.

Why are people not able to listen without carrying the other person's heaviness???

How to procede when you say you need time and space to reflect and people start instantly to pressure you instead ?

Does liking feeling needed fall under the same category?

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3:11

Transmuted my empath skills into dark empathy and embraced my villain era. Never knew being an empath who predicted peoples needs and hold them hostage rather than myself could be so much fun 😈

I learned you have to love yourself as if your life depends on it! It took the death of my husband 2.5 years ago to take a long hard look at myself. I was a life long people pleaser…I made myself available to my whole family and answer ed yes all the time. I changed that at pattern…it was tough and I received a lot of push back. I did successfully set boundaries and I can report I feel so confident now that I created the space for me time.

Thank you ❤