Appreciate you talking about this, Reed. As a bisexual trans man myself, it's a minefield navigating gender and sexuality when we were all raised with a completely different playbook. I think I struggle with the overthinking as well, knowing what dating as a woman felt like, but I also find that my gender is actually important to me, knowing me and understanding my perspective on life has a lot to do with my journey with sexuality and gender. Unfortunately, it can be hard to find someone who not only isn't a transphobe but also can engage on some level with the complexities of being a trans person. It's not everything about me, far from it, but it is an important part. Especially as someone who has been on T for nearly 4 years yet still hasn't had top surgery, I struggle with the physical interactions and intimacy aspects of dating because my dysphoria is a fickle beast. Anyway, there are many layers to dating while trans and I just appreciate hearing someone else speak on the subject.
can i just say that i hadn’t realized you posted this semi-new video, randomly visited your channel because i missed your content, and then was thrilled you had a video up that i hadn’t seen before? 💜 miss you, Reed!
Enby/questioning trans guy here. I also have a lot of dating anxiety that has kept me from "formally" dating (asking someone out for dinner where both of you are aware that what you're doing is going on a date). It seems like a lot of pressure to put onto an interaction with a stranger - neither of you know each other but you're there to assert whether there is enough mutual interest to pursue something romantic? It takes such a long time to truly get to know someone, be it platonically or romantically, that the idea that you're supposed to figure that out with a few dates is wild to me. You mentioned a lot that you overthink what role you are supposed to play in a date, but I wonder why you're thinking so much about that. There is no role you have to play other than yourself, which is a man but also so much more. It makes me wonder if you don't feel like you being you is enough for a stranger to be interested in. I guess the way I would go about it, which is how I try to approach any stranger in my life, is to meet the person with no expectations for where it's going. In your case, you're there on a date, but you're not there to impress them. You're just getting to know them, and they are getting to know you. If you think too much about who you're supposed to be, that's not giving them a chance to see who you really are, and it makes it awkward for you because you're spending a lot of energy not being yourself. Furthermore, dating isn't really about proving that you're good enough to go on another date with, but more about seeing if the other person is right for you to continue seeing. Ultimately, how they feel about you is completely out of your control and has zero bearing on your worth as a person, so perhaps paying more attention to your own feelings and wants regarding the other person will take some anxiety away. I've only seen a few of your videos, but you seem like a genuine and kind human being who has a lot of self-awareness and is interesting to listen to. Talk about the things you're passionate about and I bet you anything the anxieties about trying to fulfill some role will fade away. I am a very anxious person myself, so I know saying these things doesn't necessarily take the feelings away. It's hard. Another thing that has been helping me lately is just accepting that my anxieties are there instead of trying to chase them away. It's like saying, "Yes, in this moment I am feeling anxious, but who I am is not anxiety. I have anxiety, and many other feelings." Acceptance without judgement takes the focus out of the negative feelings, placing them in the context of everything I am feeling, which ironically makes the anxiety seem small. Anyway. Dating is tough. I hope I was not preachy - your video struck a chord with me because I am also trying to get back out there and so this has been on my mind. Good luck dude!
Really appreciated this video! I'm also a trans guy struggling to navigate manhood and to not be "that guy". I overthink things and get awkward too but I guess we'll figure it out eventually?? (i hope)
overthinking IS the problem. just do it. talking is the key. laughing too. so if you talk nonsense, you can both laugh about it. 😀 i guess it would be confusing to me to get to know the first thing about you is beeing trans. ?! really is that so important? i mean... dont get me wrong, its very important to talk about this, but i think it makes the start harder. ?! do you know what i mean? its such a dry subject to start with.
Good to see you again. I'm glad to see that you've been challenging yourself. Perhaps you could go more into the advice you get from the cis-gender friends and that from the trans guy friends. You stopped short regarding the advice you got from the trans friends. I'm curious in how the strategies differ.
Reed, you know yourself. Like you said, you know what kind of man and boyfriend you are/want to be. Lean into that. I'm a trans guy who is married. I'm still working on being okay with leaning into being myself especially when other people perceive me as too feminine or "soft". But that is who I am. I'm thoughtful and empathetic and I've found that people appreciate it. On a different note, I think we could be great friends if given the chance.
wow yea dating can be eerie at times for me I never dated outside my race my first time was awesome he never notes again different to me I changed my skin colour I am now black none of the new friends know my pasted life they just No me as a black normal black person is it does feel now I was black all my life now to.
It seems like these days no one wants to invest time in getting to know a person. You put yourself out there by signing up for dating apps in hopes to find someone, yet receive more disappointment than anything else.1. People don't reply to messages (nothing dirty). 2. They stop talking after a few messages (ghosting). It seems like if you don't fit into society's definition of hott then you're out of luck. Has anyone else ran into this?
Hey, it's good to see a post from you. I've had no direct experience with this (I'm a cis female) but in my line of work I've learned a lot about the psychology of relationships, generally speaking. It seems the awkwardness of dating (which is sooo common) mostly happens when we are trying to be an unrealistic perfect version of ourselves. I think you answered part of your dilemma yourself when you said that you already know what your morals and values are and what kind of boyfriend you want to be.....I'd run with that and the rest should fall into place when you meet someone who is a good fit for you. If you like be chivalrous, then you do it because it's an act of respect, not because you are a guy therefore it is expected. Hopefully whoever you end up dating appreciates the conventional and non conventional parts of you. 😁
