I can really empathize, and I'm so sorry. Praying for you.

@@nathanielguttenberg8152B”H Thank you

I'm a 29 year old schizophrenic, so I sympathize, when I first snapped it was so bad I could barely eat or take a shower, I was literally lying on the floor thinking there would be a home invasion and my life was only spared by buying a tape recorder. I got one asap and then as I went to the lab to get blood drawn I turned it on both ways walking to the car, I played the audio, and it was as silent as a cave. Not even the rustling of the trees. It was so quiet. Something I hadn't heard in years. It got so bad that for about 2 years I never saw a full tree, just one bit of one from the high opening over the kitchen. That, my videos and audio through my noise cancelling headphones, along with my parents were my only human contact for years, along with my brother when he was on leave. I'm so glad to have him back, but he's long gone now, he's 31, he has a family, he served his country and may well again if there's war (he was a navy nuke, the man's incredibly smart, and he wants to be a doctor). My friends from high school and church youth-group have all moved on, they all have families and I'm pretty heavily avoided. On the upside I live on my own now, in a group home in Minnesota, and I'm doing much better. I can even go outside and get pizza, chill on the internet without creating drama and help my parents across town whenever they need something. This is after 12 years of struggle from prodrome through multiple crises, all will come with time, just wait and hold on a little longer. I can tell you that there is a warm line in some states like Minnesota twice a day that you can vent in, both go for 20 minutes max, but after a good 2 months of that and your compartmentalized sides of your mind will begin to fuse into one, which will likely cause a crisis and a hospitalization, have the non-emergency police line in your contacts under: "Police". When those snaps happen, every single one will make you feel better, even if there are things you can't admit to there are people you can confide in. Email me at melchiel@outlook.com I check it seldom, but I'll check it more often now for your sake. I can give you some advice on objective reasons to stay alive that don't involve a hell in the Christian and Muslim sense, simply logical arguments from the vantage point of an unaffiliated Theist, which our Noachide faith considers heretical as it contemplates the possibility of God being an orderer rather than a creator, but I assure you it works out to solidly prove a God's existence and then argues from that standpoint that a first cause cannot, by definition, have intelligent, truly free-willed company and the exchange implied in that is that God gives us at least neutral but finite justice in a permanent afterlife in exchange for our company, love and worship.

I’m sorry. I hope you feel better soon. Reading the Psalms is very comforting. ☀️

If i can share with you my experience, I'll tell you that my mother has been suffering from diabetes (the supposedly "incurable"-type) for about 40 years. I finally, one year ago - and about 5 years after having re-discovered HaShem - decided to give it a try to what the Rav Shalom Arush says, that the one who says "thank you" for his sufferings for 15 minutes and recites the psalm 100 eight times, his or her sufferings disappear. I did it. What had i to loose? Just saying thank you in your own words and - i think this is important - knowing (or trying to know) that everything HaShem does is for the good, even if we don't see or understand it yet. Giving the issue over to Him. Just a couple of days later a new insuline-pump arrived (she had already been using one for at least decade more or less), this new one has the great innovation that it calculates automatically the amount of insuline that has to be pumped and sends it, instead of having you yourself having to check it several times a day, calculate the amount and pump it. I never told my mother about the prayer, even until today, so no suggestion/placebo effect possible. A couple of days with this new machine and i heard my mother say more or less something like she can't believe it, she feels normal, it is as if she doesn't have the disease. I was shocked but not so much, as i had heard a lot of similar "miraculous" stories related to prayer in general and this 15 minute modality in particular. But yes i guess i still can't believe it. This is the first time i share this story. I am not saying this is kind of a "magic pill". I am just stating facts. One year approximately has passed since then. The truth is that she still has days where she struggles adjusting to this new reality but past week she told me exactly the same (it is as if she doesn't have the disease) and that she kind of scared, so to speak, because she doesn't want to believe she is cured, just in case this changes and ends up being a kind of "dream" that vanishes. Just say thank you for 15 minutes. If you can't, just say thank you Hashem for not being able to talk to you. If you can't even do that because you are filled with anger because of your situation, just try to say I'm angry with you Hashem for my situation. I don't know the sufferings you sre going through so i am nobody to give you advice. I just hope this helps you even if only a bit. I can only recommend you Rav Shalom Arush's books (specially "The garden of faith/Emuna" and "The garden of gratitude"). You must remember, we are all in this struggle together and even I don't know you i love you my brother.

I'm amazed that you think lots of help is available. That has not been my sad experience over the course of many years.

Some people can still be triggered by old trauma even when appropriately medicated...we must always be vigilant.