I agree with most of what you said and I, like you desperately long for an afterlife and I'm crippled by fear at the idea of an eternity of nothingness once we die. Have you found ANY evidence of an afterlife?
I find no hard evidence for God and an afterlife. But I do find soft evidence by way of logic (“A More Credible God” 2007, “Why I Cannot Accept Jesus” 2023). So I believe in the probability of a general God and an afterlife. If asked what do I fear most, it would be: no God, no afterlife, no ultimate meaning to life. BUT I am not bothered by that, because there is nothing I can do about it. It is whichever it is, and we cannot KNOW which it is. It is sad to think that our loved ones (including ourselves) might simply no longer exist ultimately, but being stoic about that is, I think, the way to go. I live with the probability that there IS an ultimate meaning and resolution to life.
I have listened to many deconversion stories and they all lack something. They don't tell us the need they were seeking to satisfy that drove them to Christianity and now what has happened to that need. Having Christian parents is not the answer. Reading the Bible or engaging in apologetics, etc. likewise is not the answer. Wanting to be devoted to a religion is not the answer. I think that if someone just wandered into Christianity, then I think it fair to wonder if they ever were Christian.
