Depersonalization & Existential Thoughts: A Guide 

I had these crazy existential thoughts a lot. I couldn´t do or look at anything without questioning it. It felt like i had figured out a secret, which nobody knew expect me. I would think I was the only human alive, who got concious about everything. Really scary.

One thing I've learned is that the anxious brain WANTS ANSWERS to questions that cannot really be answered. When we're not in an anxious state, we don't care about not having the answers, we just take things as they are. As I'm slowly recovering, I am realising this.

Sir, I just want to tell you that you’ve likely saved my life. You are so helpful. You really helped me out in a very dark time of my life. I’ve always had some anxiety even as a kid. Then early this year I had a horrible panic attack and had no idea what was happening! Then came the anxiety, then the physical and mental symptoms, namely: fast heart rate, weight loss, sleep disturbances, and headaches. As for the mental side of things: worrying that others can somehow read my mind, or that I am reading theirs without realizing it and they know. I began to have crazy thoughts, really strange things. That outer space doesn’t really exist. That certain parts of the world are completely made up, some countries don’t really exist. I began to think I was reincarnated and wasn’t born, but actually woke up on earth somehow and am being punished and that when I die I will just be reincarnated AS THE SAME PERSON to suffer the same life all over again. That no one else is real. That it’s all a simulation meant to punish me for something I did, eternally. This caused such panic that I even began to have FALSE MEMORIES! I kid you not. My mind made up fake memories and I started to believe them! Then I realized what was happening, and began wondering if I had early onset dementia or some other degenerative brain disease, hence the false memories. Also had considered the idea that I fell asleep or that I DIED one day and just don’t realize it, and that I am currently just dreaming or am in a parallel universe right now. That nothing is the same or real and nothing matters because I died and don’t know it. I realized I can’t test these theories and that caused even more anxiety and panic. My panic and mental state deteriorated to the point that I wasn’t sleeping. I went days without sleep. I began slipping mentally and even had more slightly psychotic thoughts, such as believing (false memories again) that I had a lobotomy performed on me. To me at the time it made sense, yes! A lobotomy would explain it. Or when I watched a video about mental health from a doctor, I began to believe the video was made just to make fun of me. That it was made just to play a gag at my expense, because someone knows I’m suffering. It got really bad. The paranoia. And the videos and information online just intensified the negative feelings and strange thoughts. I began trying to “self-diagnose” myself in a way. And realizing I likely didn’t have schizophrenia, as I KNEW this was all crazy and that it wasn’t a normal way of thinking, just delusions likely. That I probably didn’t have dementia. That it’s highly unlikely a HUGE simulation was made just to punish me eternally… I actually became depressed. Because I saw no end in sight. AND because if I don’t have schizophrenia, or another well-known disease, then what is wrong with me??? If I don’t know, then the doctors won’t know. And they can’t just treat it with medicines like a more common mental disease! This made me so depressed. Then I saw your channel!! And it all made sense. I didn’t feel alone or crazy anymore. I saw comments on your channel also describing similar symptoms to mine and it just blew my mind. I finally was able to put a name to the condition. And it isn’t a death sentence! I began just accepting these thoughts and feelings, however strange, and moving on with my life. Like you suggested. It helped TREMENDOUSLY. I began having fewer and fewer symptoms, fewer negative thoughts. I was even able to stop the SSRI I was on! Three months later and still feeling great. I haven’t had ANY strange thoughts, feelings, and thankfully ZERO psychotic type symptoms like the ones I had at the height of the ordeal. Long post I know. I just wanted to thank you. You did what no one else could. I hope some of what I wrote (however embarrassing it was to write) helps whoever is reading this, and maybe having similar symptoms or thoughts. It gets BETTER!

Anxiety makes us forget how crazy our dark conclusions are and makes it feel very real. Before anxiety, I watched the movie 'matrix' and got interested about life and philosophy and read a lot of books, Then anxiety hit me and I could not even go near the books, just looking at those books would give me full blown panic attack. But now after a bit of recovery, on the advanced level, I can read about those concepts just fine. It still gives me anxiety, but It's not like before. Recovery is possible, 100%

The part where you said you used to enjoy deep thinking and talking about philosophy / spirituality but the anxiety cycle made it terrifying to think about is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. I also have a hard time looking up at the sky and I haven't been able to watch true crime or any of my usual stuff because I've been sooo scared of it inducing psychosis or another panic attack. It's such a relief to know I can get through this, thank you!! ❤

This is the one right here. Marijuana induced panic attack that lead to some serious existential crisis. It is fun to think what it’s all about but when I’m anxious about it, nothing is worse.

Had DR after drug induced psychosis. Fully healed now, I had to take lamotrigine (100mg) and psychotherpay. But you just have to stop freaking out and begin accepting these thoughts little by little. Don't try to run away from them because you will just freak out and make it worse. Accept them and slowly they will be gone (at least this thinking has helped me, a lot). My thinking was whenever I think "is real life?" and instead of freaking out - I just think OK, cool thought and just accept it. In three months I was a new man. Good luck and stay strong! I know that DR sucks.

Currently going through my third anxiety cycle in a year and this depersonalisation is the most terrifying part out of all the symptoms, with me it got to the point of having suicidal thoughts but your videos are really help full and when i archieve being healhy again i want to be able to help anyone with this problem

This! This is what I experience. In 2019 I just had to know the truth of why we are here. I went down this crazy spiritual rabbit hole and was obsessed. But it started giving me more anxiety and I felt confused. I feel better not trying to figure it out, we are here, I no longer care why.

WOW, I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME. I SMOKED WEED ONE TIME AND MY BRAIN HAVEN'T THOUGHT THE SAME SINCE. THIS MAN UNDERSTANDS.

It’s been a wild ride these past three months. I know everyone says this, but I literally had a taste test for every symptom lol. August was nothing but physical symptoms, If you saw me, you would see in front of you an utter mess. I looked like Syd Barrett: Black eyes, messy hair, reclusive, and paranoid. Back story: I’ve always been an anxious dude and had my bouts with panic attacks. But I never seemed to fall into the cycle until of recent. I’m an extremely creative and driven guy with aspirations of having a successful career in writing and directing. I’m also in a band that’s doing pretty well, especially in the LA scene. In July I got the opportunity to write for a producer from WB. I finished the first draft and he had his notes and gave me a two week deadline for the second draft. During that time I randomly decided to try out shrooms. I don’t know if it was the shrooms but after that I started to feel apathetic towards life. Even though I would go walking around silver lake during my “trips” lol and find everything beautiful. But after that, everything was bleh to me. And that feeling was weird to me… so back to the writing.. i was a week into my two week deadline and I was putting myself under so much pressure and stress. I remember having a panic attack at a Costco parking lot and telling my dad I can’t go in. I eventually did after a few minutes. And that was the start of just feeling completely “weird” . I eventually finished the script and turned it in. The producer fell in love with the script and gave me the green light! But I felt an enormous amount of fear and dread and that even made me feel more weird! “This is what you want! And now you’re filled with fear! WTF?!” But soon after that, within a week, I got laid off from my studio job due to the strikes, got my car stolen, got it back, then immediately got in a bad accident after I got my car back, and gotten all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. This was all within a month. Losing my job caused me to lose a my grip of routine and and a sense of structure for my days. Then BOOM! I had fallen into the pit. As I mentioned earlier, august was nothing but physical symptoms. You name it. I had it all. Palpitations, shaking, lack of sleep, no appetite!!! I would vomit after I ate. And I lovveeeeee food. Then September was DP/DR. It was so hard man. Especially to look at my parents and feel nothing and to have no connection. And I have a very strong relationship with my parents. To look at them and think “do I know these people? Who are they?” Was sooooo uncomfortable!! And now October… intrusive thoughts, catastrophizing, existential thoughts. I’m afraid to write now, afraid to watch a movie, and even think about films. And that thought puts me further in. “I have no purpose.” “I am now afraid of the thing I loved all my life” “what’s my purpose in this world” “I don’t know what else to do” “I’m unemployed and im a deadbeat” Butttttt here’s the deal!! All that junk is under the umbrella of anxiety. I haven’t fully recovered, maybe I’m at 62% . But I’m going on about my life even though it feels suppppeerrr uncomfortable. And the funny thing is, these past two months i have been in the circles of artists I have looked up to. Wether it was being backstage, going to restaurants, or house parties. But I felt nothing lol . The universe is putting me in places that I’ve always envisioned. And now that’s here, the DP/DR just makes things uncomfortable hahah. Anyway. This is all a paradox. We will all get through this. WE WILL!!! We just need ti live, even if it feeeeeeeelssss soooo damnnnnn uncomfortable!! We got to be here for each other. I wish everyone luck. I never comment on yt. Sorry this was long.

This is actually how my anxiety started in 2020 after a fat head rush and derealization.... been panicking ever since! Not constantly but def havent mastered it yet... doing much better now than before! Responding moment to moment towards freedom is my best weapon against anxiety/ocd 😊

This might actually be my #1 favorite video so far on my journey but of course it’s been because it’s one of my BIGGEST struggles! This just validates that these thoughts are to be thrown into the anxiety umbrella and I need to stop entertaining the ideas..

I have had a lot of symptoms like panic attacks derealization and like lots of things. I am just a teenager from India so here there is this huge stigma around mental health. But I just want to write a BIG THANK YOU to you Shaan for creating such meaningful videos in the channel. Your emotional story to anxiety really works with mine. My parents especially father can't fully support me, I sometimes do not like that my father rejects that I can ever have anxiety. But my mother has supported me through thick and thins. And I know I am there for myself and I can actually work on accepting anxiety to accept myself in a better way♥️♥️

Thank you Shaan. You're a blessing 🙏💚

"If you want to think about these things, think about it when you're in a better place." That is some great advice that I will try the next time I'm struggling. It seems that it will be easier to relax if I can know that I give myself permission to do that. Although I'm sure it will take practice.

This is so incredibly helpful and grounding. Thank you

I've always had general anxiety, and I've always loved to read psychology and spirituality books. Been to therapy for years. Then I must have been at my stress threshold while I read a book that said some things about existence and consciousness, and suddenly it made me feel like I was in a black hole. I started experiencing derealization immediately after, and for the past two weeks I have been trying to find "solutions" to the derealization, not knowing if I was having a negative spiritual experience or if I was having a nervous breakdown. Last night I had a full blown panic attack that I've only ever had once before, after a severe medical incident a year ago. This morning I found these videos and I'm already starting to feel a little better.

You're true blessing man, you've come to big help dealing with and fighting anxiety, and weird & intrusive thoughts. Much love

I’m a little over three months into my personal journey and I’ve hit one of my biggest set backs. your videos help me so much! not using them as a crutch ,but sometimes I need to be reminded and guided in the right direction. I’m so happy with my results so far. wishing all of you luck

"holding eachother crying, asking why were all here". 🤦🤦💯💯Its so ao true. Its crazy how rhoughts make you feel crazy and can trigger anxiety. Its EASIER to have theae thoughts when youre already tired and have digestive issues, you feel WEAK and its like your mind dieant have ANY DEFENSE...so all this crap comes tumbling in and over flooding the mind. They pop up when u dont want them there. When you least expect them..when youre sensitized, exhausted and stomach is turning the smallest thought is a threat. "Dark scary conclusions" is correct. Scariest feeling is when you don't recognize yourself or your own mind mid-panic whiile trying to tell yourself "hust let it happen, eont fight it ....this is normal" It takes a LOT of power to do this. A lot!!!! 🙏🙏I wish everyone recovery

I used to be afraid to look at the sky because I used to see like there is another world which I am not aware of beyond the sky and I used to wonder if there is God and I fail to realize if He exists or if He exists where is He. I couldn't also figure out what was going on with my life and didn't realize what was going on with it. I used to see that what I was experiencing was unique to me only and no one in the world has ever gone what I was going through and I couldn't be helped because the doctors could not know what is affecting me. When I could talk to people I felt like couldn't realize what I am saying and feeling something that I couldn't explain and weird things eg feeling like I was not even born I just appeared from some unknown realm, some countries are fake and I couldn't even concentrate. But now thanks to Shawn I am on my recovery journey and I am feeling better I am not feeling like I used to feel before although I have some set backs I know I will achieve long term freedom.

During my grandmother's funeral, I felt like the environment is strange. I had the fight or flight feelings. Like I could read other people's intentions by just staring at them. A had anxiety attacks. And existential thoughts. It was a scary experience and I was in deep paranoia

I have been having alot of anxiety symptoms like derelazation, depersonalazation, unbalanced, dizziness, light headed, muscle twitching, intrusive thoughts, and many more but now from watching you're videos I just don't feed into the symptoms and basically ignore them while they are happening and I feel like over time it'll just go away plus by me reacting to any symptoms or thoughts I myself create that into a habit so the symptoms will keep happening and depending on how I react to whatever is happening I myself can make it worse

It's ok to anchor yourself with the Bible, proverbs, psalms genesis, galatians etc.

May good bless you shann

do not feed the thoughts its there but live your life it will fade away i promise! i used to have dpdr 24 hour i didnt ignore it i accept i have anxiety and my thoughts is not mine even it feels unreal do everything it doesnt harm your body

Finally someone that understands me 💔

It's good to see the increase in the amount of content about existential anxiety today compared to 15 years ago. Back in high school, it consumed much of my time, same vastness of space and related stuff as you mentioned. I remember I didn't even want to discuss it with anyone, afraid I might spread it. I think more efforts are needed, starting with educational institutions and workplaces offering sessions to address this issue. Also the impact of a UN mission focused on global mental health, including existential anxiety would be beneficial.

Thank you very much! You helped a lot.

I had an episode of an existential depersonalisation but in a more spiritual way. I felt like i woke up from the Matrix, like I was the one with the Source and the Universe, I had a massive download out of nowhere but it was too scary… I somehow knew that we were just consciousness in bodies but the thought of what’s above and what’s after was giving me a massive anxiety. I think it may have been triggered by my fear of dying since it started with me seeing a dead cat by the road. I feel much more grounded now. The gym helped me.

Thoughts like "What makes life worth living?"

I experienced derealization for about six months after my dad died, eventually it left but the constant anxiety and existential thoughts that nothing matters since everything dies amd everything accomplished will amount to npthing upon my death has not gone away and its difficult if not impossible to experience joy since its always met with the though I'm going to die anyway which brings me back down instantly.

man I can't thank you enough

I have scary thoughts of what if I'm in a coma and my life is a delusion.

You are just simply amazing.

thanks for sharing the good information shaan ❤❤

I had a really bad panic attack after smoking marijuana. I think after that I started having episodes of derealization or deprerozaltion. My doctor wrote it down as disassociation. I was in a car wreck years ago. It put me in a state where I would sit still and feel like I was dizzy if leaned over to pick something up in the car.

Thank you so much for all your videos, I'm recovering and it helps a lot. I sometimes stil some have rush of anxiety when I medidate (like today) but it gets better. Thank you so much ❤️

Thanks shaan for sharing ❤️😭

Love from India... I am facing same problem like you...

Does anyone have the existential thought of self- realization? Like you become hyper aware of your own consciousness on your own body?

I still don’t understand what to do. Thst is a powerful story. I majored in philosophy

Thank you Shaan.

I have Panic attacks of: what is my body, what i am seeing and who i am, what is my brain and who thinks this thoughts. How can i get out of it when im afraid of who am i and what i am seeing. Its liked im disconnected to my body. Are These also existencial thoughts?

Rn I feel like I’m gonna die soon or something wrong with me nothing real I can’t sleep Ive really been loosing faith guys please give me advice idk what to do anymore I feel like things aren’t gonna get better I don’t feel like I’m here I wanna feel here and back like my normal self

The easiest way to beat it is by realising that there is actually nothing wrong with you. Seriously there is no disease or nothing it is just your thoughts. You are torturing yourself

another banger!

I've just started to make some progress with being able to invite most anxiety symptoms / not avoid them / continue doing what I'm doing / be process-oriented / thinking long term freedom over short term comfort. But the times when i feel derealisation are a different matter. Suddenly the possibility that the world's an illusion and there's an evil demon behind it seems eminently plausible and demoralising and frightening, and it seems impossible to invite derealisation and to continue with life regardless. And the feeling that i could get trapped in this state permanently. And the idea that life is impossible while experiencing it, really take hold. It feels like this derealisation is going to be really hard to get past. The physical feelings of derealisation are awful for me - everything feels really weird to touch so as long as I'm in contact with things it's constantly giving me horrible feedback. Gotta keep trying to respond well though..

I was so eager to learn about philosophy before I fell in to the cycle now it scares me

I need comfort about something does anyone else have the thought of whats the point in doing anything if i will die anyway?

Thanks

I smoked weed and went to my aunty house to help clean (her and my cousin live in the project and the house is in very bad condition) I went in the bathroom to fill up a bucket of water and as I was doing it I was thinking about what if I lived my cousin life and then I stopped to look around and thought to myself I seen all this before like me looking around and noticing stuff happened before then I got up and went to living room it go worst I felt like I was in a loop and me even knowing I was in a loop was part of it so what ever I did or said was part of what happened If yall wanna know everything I experienced I’ll type it under this comment.

Is it normal that some of the times that I workout I feel like having a panic attack and dizziness , ? By the way I been visiting doctors and they say everything looks normal

Existential thoughts are just access of higher consciousness and lucidity, but not many people can withstand this.

My depersonalization messes with my memory a little bit is this permanent or just temporary until it goes away? I hate this! Damn anxiety!!!

My biggest trigger is driving since i was a teenager ive had a bad feeling that i was gonna die in a car wreck and therefore thats my trigger when driving my other most biggest fear ever is death, ik its inevitable and its gonna happen regardless but i just cant shake these two biggest fears of mine. Im scared of not brearhing when i die. Here i am over 25 years later and im still struggling with it i also suffer with panic disorder and PTSD and EPD amongest a few others not to mention my physical things. Ive done everything from medicine to yoga.

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