Disciplining Children: East vs.West 

i am a white american, i grew up with an INCREDIBLY abusive father, and a mother who turned the other cheek. i moved out on my own at age 15 for my own safety. my mother felt so bad, and did so much to try to make it up to me once i was 19. it was because of this that we were able to mend our relationship alittle, and now we have a stronger relationship than we ever had when i was a child. my birthfather was just an awful person in general, who took his pain out on others. any contact with him would be so bad that i chose to cut him out completely- and my life has gotten much better as a result. to put things im perspective, if i accidently lost an 80c plastic waterbottle, i would get the shit beaten out of me. nobody is perfect, including pur parents. but i think there is a BIG difference in trying to discipline, and just being a negative/awful abusive person in general.

Asian parents arent afraid to beat the hell out of kids.

I don't care what anyone says, there is a difference between discipline and abuse. Getting a wooping for raising your voice at an adult or doing something you have no business is a parent's disciplinary right. They don't beat you to the point where you're black and blue or bleeding. That is abuse. People just need to stop being so sensitive. When a child knows the consequence is a meeting with the good ol wooden paddle or leather belt, they'll make better decisions. I'm 15 and I have had a total of 8 woopings in my life and so have others and they are fine. Not saying you should but if a parent decides to do so, it is in their rights.

I agree with Yi that making mistakes having experiences is the best way to learn. It's better to get curiosities out of your system rather than growing up wondering if pursuits would have worked out but never knowing because you never tried. What works / doesn't work for one person could be and usually is completely different for another person.

Hugging can actually make your brain release hormones that calm you down and can even reduce your chances of getting mental disorders such as depression and social anxiety. If your parents never or rarely hold you and stuff, they're basically neglecting you of mental health.

why is Dan in his underwear?

I used to get hit too, but I don't think my parents ever pulled the "it's for your own good" deal. At one point, my dad admitted that he got frustrated and let his anger get the better of him, and he wouldn't apologize outright, but would do so with gestures, by like taking me somewhere cool or buying me junk food I normally don't get. They only did the "it's for your own good" thing when it came to stuff like school, but even then, they came to realize that pushing me too hard did NOT do me any good (probably because whenever I came home for the weekend during my undergrad, I looked like a zombie).

"If I did not love you and worry about you, I would not take the trouble to scold you"

This episode is totally different than what I expect it, because I thought that would be the funny video, but it's episode is kind of sad (not in the bad way) It's sad because it's so real...

I appreciate my mom so much more. I think she has an appropriate amount of discipline and a huge buttload of loving and caring. She would never beat me she just gave me the silent treatment.

I feel like for a lot of Korean parents, they tend to baby their kids (sometimes a bit too much) even when the kids have all grown up. I'm 24 and my mom still calls me princess and wouldn't let me do anything hard/tough/strenuous. She wants to do everything for me. It's like she can't help herself. And I see the same thing in my roommate's family. Her dad tells her your highness princess.

Parenting has changed soooo rapidly in the US and Europe, and in different ways for different racial groups, different social classes and in different regions that it's hard to say their is any single 'western' style of parenting. I think their is a universal pattern that over time physical discipline is in decline globally and smaller family size leads to more 'bonding' activities, in the west when family sizes were larger the discipline was more like classic Asian discipline, smaller family sizes in Asian are causing changes in parenting style. Also note that Southern European cultures, Spanish and Italian notably follow the pattern of the parents living with the married children, the children moving out very late or never from the household. The separation of the child at 'coming of age' was a Northern European tradition. The availability of housing has a strong effect on this and current housing costs are moving the US towards this Asian/Southern Europe model.

I myself a Burmese male from South East Asia. I live in United States now, I can totally relate to all of you guys are sharing.

Thank you so much for opening up about this and bring so authentic and honest. It's fascinating to hear about your culture and your perspective on it.

I love this channel. I always feel like in in a really cool class. haha

Yes African Americans do spank their children too. I was spanked and sent to my room. Later I got the do you understand why you were spanked talk along with hugs. I've never heard of calling parents before visiting. You just go. If they aren't home use your key go inside raid the fridge or whatever. My grandmother got a curtesy call because she had a three story row house and needed the extra time to come to the first floor. As for being independent my parents said stay until you absolutely know that you're able to take care of your self. The only person I know of who was forced out at 18 was a foster child. I still don't get how you can raise a child for 18 years and then say times up. My 34 year old daughter still lives with me. We do things together and I love her dearly but she's not my best friend she's my daughter. Sorry for the book.

I love when you guys talk about these issues, I think it can help some people understand more the situation they are in, and learn to look at it from another perspective. Thumbs up! :)

Love learning from yall

Wow. I really like this series of talks you guys are doing, I feel like you are offering great new perspectives and explaining things that I have always kind of wondered about in terms of differences between east and west, and also just perspectives on identity and image in general through Vids like this one, and the trends, Ms. Japan video, Asian identity, so on. This is a great quality series of Vids you guys have done with these, keep up the good work, I'm a huge fan of the channel! Looking forward to more great discussions!

Really interesting video! I too experience the shaming tactic throughout my childhood. My parents were from Mexico and never any affection shown. But this all change when I got accepted to med school, so my parents saw that I am going some where in life (even though I've always made straight A's since kindergarten, never a bad kid) So they started to respect me and begin to show affection and the shaming decreased drastically! So now instead of having a relationship with my parents that was respectful and distant I am now very close with them.

Am I the only one who signed my own report card so I don''t get beaten?

I didn't become best friends with my parents until after I had graduated from college, and had worked for a while. Then I became addicted to their friendship; a friendship that comes with so much knowledge and advice.

Having grown up with an ultra-conservative Chinese grandparents, I have seen all my unmarried uncles and aunts lived under one roof. And all of them were already professionals that time! And even when one of my uncles got married, he decided to live there along with his wife and kids until he died. Affections were rarely given, so when I was a kid, any person outside of the family who tried to give me any form of affection, a buzz on the cheek, or even a weak hug sent me into shivers of discomfort. Affections mainly came from my grandma's cooking. Every meal should have at least five different courses and every time I do well in school, entitled me for a treat and/or a prize. Praises were not given in front of you but I often overheard them regaling my exploits and achievements to their friends/acquaintances. Respect, discipline and not sullying the family name are the virtues that I remembered even as a child. And the worst night terrors that I have until this day(other than involving zombies who are chasing me) will be showing up in a class on a Chinese exam day, unprepared.

I'm a few years late to the show, but your video is great! Thanks for spending the time to make it.

Great video! My wife is from China and I'm from Spain, and we always compare our childhood and the different experiences we had. It helps understand each other better and why we act differently if face with the same situation. Since we known each other for 15yrs and living with her family in China for some time, I understand her family very well and know that they love in their own way. Which is much different from my family, but there is no right or wrong way to love. As long as there is love. ^_^

Very insightful. Thank you for sharing.

Not sure how to make this short lol but will do my best. I was adopted at almost 8yrs old. Western parents, but man, they might as well have been Eastern. I'm now married to an Islander, their beliefs are mixed EvsW. We now have 2 daughters and after watching this video, I realized that we (now) as parents are the same. We've mixed the E. & W. styles of not just love but discipline as well. I could go on, but like I said long story short. Great video! Would love to see more like this and the foodies!! Hugs (got yourselves another sub)

Lol just rewatched this and i like how Mike starts with *it's good to have the ladies back* gotta love the ladies ;)

Wow... First off, thanks OTGW, I love all your videos! Second, Dan said exactly everything I felt but didn't know how to express. This is such a well-worded and genuine video that a lot of Asian kids can identify with. Like you guys said, sometimes it's difficult and damaging to navigate growing up with Asian parents, but gradually I realized, that even though they're the "parentals," they're humans who make mistakes too, and are just navigating their world the best way they know how. Sometimes the most important thing to remember is that you really ARE loved, even when it seems least like it :p

Preach!!! Westerners are like that! I'm Hispanic but I feel like I relate to the easterners disciplines. My parents don't like saying "I love you" unless it's a super precious moment. But....that rarely happens. Tough love is kinda accurate for me xD But preach this video!!!

Really liked this video!!! So good! Thank you!!!

This is soooooo interesting!

Its not only Asian parents that does these disciplinary measures, I grew in the caribbean and the discipline is exactly the same and we are in the west.

I could totally relate to some of this! My parents are Rssian and they're sort of inbetween what you guys described.

I can say that way they described the discipline in Asia is very similar to mexico.

...support your parent's life guidance and continue your dream by adding on more study in the area of your interest. At 21 years old you should be able to guide a 12-year-old. Therefore, your parent's guidance is SPOT On!

Everything you all said is damn true! My people are exactly the same as you all said about Asian Parents! Each and every word came out of your mouth fits for my people as well! I got a lot of beating and now I'm 25 and my mother still scolds me and Sometimes beats me when I go back home late night! 👍👍

This is so true...I am Indian and my parents and siblings still live with my grandparents

Yea Hispanic u_u I got beat with the great ol Leather Belt my dad usually did the hitting and what makes it worse he's like "so you learn" -.- I think it happened until I was 15. I'm sure he meant no harm but everyone has different teachings.

You guys rock, keep working hard I love you channel. YAY! ^.^ 😄😄😄

Your right, in my culture it's very common for the parents to move in with the children after they move in( mostly the mom ) so that they can help you take care of your kids. My parents are immigrants and they got beaten when they misbehaved and they did that to me multiple times.

my parents used to be that way when i was little, and i do have to be honest - it did have a lasting impact, both positively and negatively. i never really got to understand my parents, and it seemed more like they were just authorities looming ahead than the friends that my non-asian friends' parents were. it did teach me a lot of discipline, and i do think twice when i do things now, though sometimes i feel like it's for the wrong reason. if my parents were gone, i feel like i'd slowly kind of lose that discipline, which was mostly rooted in tough respect and almost a sort of fear.

For me, the biggest problem was that,map until I was 10,,my parents raised me like that, to the point where I viewed my parents as simply an avenue to get money and food. Once they realized that I would literally flinch when they preached me, they decided to change their parenting style, turns it a full 180 to western style. Problem is, my personality already formed, so at this point, I just find incredibly annoying when they try to comfort me, or spend time with me, even though I know it's from a genuine feeling of kindness towards me

When I was little and asked what I want to be when I grow up I said artist and my dad always told me that I'm gonna live in a cardboard box and no one will buy my work until after I die It was pretty discouraging but now 10 yrs later I am still like I do still want to be an artist after all

I think a lot of the difference comes because in the east, people are taught to treat elders with respect. In the west, there isn't a lot of respect for older people. I know this first hand working in a retirement community. The kids would never visit their mothers or fathers. And the grandchildren would also rarely visit. It was really sad.

I think the whole idea of treating your children as more of a friend is a fairly new concept. My parents, and those of most if not all of my friends growing up, did not look at us like peers or equals. They may not have been as heavy-handed as the Asian parents you are describing, although some certainty were, but the line between parent and child was very clear.

my mom is my best friend and her dad is her best friend. That is why we are taking care of my grandparents. When I get married I will be moving my parents to the other side of the house and caring for them just like my mom did with her parents.

I used to be spanked when I was younger if I did something wrong but now my mum just explains what I did wrong and suggest ways to make sure that doesn't happen again. I prefer it now.

.I love off the Great Wall

I'm from Germany and I got beaten by my mother a few times, but only when I really messed things up. When I was a kid, I sometimes got jealous of my friends whose parents made them their favorite food, bought them stuff or went to places they chose, because I felt like my parents would never show any affection to me. But to be honest, now that I moved out to study, I couldn't be more thankfull towards my parents. They may have been not my "friends" and they raised me and my siblings in a strict way, but I genuinely love them for what they sacrificed for me and I'm convinced that they raised me exactly the right way. Some people may see things different, but in my opinion a stereotypical chinese parent is a better example of a parent than a stereotypical western parent: It is not our parents job to be our friend, it is their job to raise and educate us right! That's how you learn responsibility and become a decent grown-up. And despite my mother beating and scolding me, I still know that she loves me.

Thats a nice topic +1

Hi :) will you guys be sharing Journey to the East episode 2? I LOVED the first one!

I know that for the majority of people I know plus me and my siblings we got whoopings for doing bad things. It was not just the regular like 'I'm going to beat you just cause'. It was always because we did something wrong like talking back to an adult or messing with siblings or being disrespectful in public. Nice video. I like learning about other cultures other than my one.

Broomstick? LOL I got the belt. The metal parts hurt!

I'm Asian living in South East Asia, Borneo Island to be exact. My Parents very open and let me and my siblings do whatever we want. If they found out we made a mistake instead of lecturing us. They just smile, gave 2 thumbs up and say "That's reality, you did mistake. Serve you right!".

I think my childhood more closely resembles Mike. There was no sorry even a hitting would be followed by you are "worthless". Took me years to overcome that emotional damage.

Yup... I'm a middle eastern (Half Kuwaiti, half Moroccon) & both cultures discipline in a similar way + Might live with parents + Have their kids live with their parents until they get married!

Im western and my parents totally are/were like you discribe asian parents! Youst spot on 😆

my dad always dicipline me use west style while my mom east style xD

my parents definitely influenced my career decisions. They did it in a certain way though, like: "you can pick whatever you want, but if you pick this thing you wanna do, and you regret it, don't come crying to me"

Me & my broomstick are pretty close :v

Wow this is HELL SURPRISING 😱

This episode reminded me when I was beaten by a bamboo stick sometimes a ruler by my teacher back when I was in elementary for having 7/10 mark because it was shameful since I was in section 1. It was harsh but I think it mold me who I am today in a good way. 😊

Lol my dad tried to bond with me when I was 4 tried to teach me to ride a bike, I fell down he walked away scowling said if I wanted to go home I would have to learn to ride my bike home by myself. I was probably about a mile or two from my house so for a four year old that was a lot of fun =D

It will come full circle once you become a parent.

I'm not asian, but I got to experience the exact same thing, I can totally relate to the East side, and this is very interesting because both styles have their own pros and cons

A lot of the things they talked about not only applied to East Asian parents, but South Asian parents to. My family is from India and a lot of the things they spoke about like physical and mental discipline and the hitting applies to myself and my other south asian friends

Dang Yi is so young!

this became deep

First off, I love your vids. Always really interesting and thought provoking with just the right amount of good, clean humour. In regard to the topic, this may sound weird but I've often said I wish my parents smacked me more. I did a lot of stupid things in my teen years that I honestly think I wouldn't have done if my parents had done more than just told me "they didn't approve but it was my choice". As a pre-teen I had it really easy, so as a teen I always thought if I did something my parents didn't like they weren't going to do anything anyway so I just walked all over them. And it was true. No matter what junk I did or how many trashy girls I brought home or how lazy I was, they always basically said "aww don't do that, darling". Sure I turned out ok, but it was a long, hard road that could have been easier and shorter had my parents used the spoon and some scolding.

You guys are amazing. I so much appreciate your videos. Makes me appreciate more the Chinese culture. Thanks,

Yea my asian parents pretty much wanted me to go a certain direction. Although, they were never too strict. I asked my father once if it'd be okay for me to do whatever I want, and he said he just wants me to have a happy life. I still ended up following their advice :P but now I realize after trying their advice, it isn't what I personally want. So I am now trying to achieve what I want. Also, yes when I was younger, I got beat.

Every word u z wer true. I'm An Indian, you literally explained my parent's attitude

I was raised by my dad as a single parent. My punishments always depended on what I did wrong. They would range from grounding to timeout to a spanking and after I calmed down enough to talk to we would discuss why I was punished. The only reason I called to visit was because I needed to be picked from the airport. Also pretty much every phone conversation was if you need any help let me know and if you want to come back we will figure out a way to get you back here. I would ask to borrow money but wasn't ever allowed to pay it back. He wasn't my friend until he knew he could trust me and I had proved to be a capable person. Though we always had lots of bonding time and affection as well as respect. I also was never forced out... Most of my friends were allowed to stay at home as well... My dad wouldn't always agree with my choices but he did support me usually with an, "I don't think that's a good idea but you can make your own choices. Though talk to these people that support what I'm telling you."

The dreaded feather duster! I remember hiding it from my mom when I was younger.

Dan's point of "tough love" reminds me of what my Chinese teacher said at the beginning of the corner. She told us that her and the TAs will be strict in correcting our pronunciation (important though), just like how our "parents spanked us because they love us." They discipline us because they love us . . .

Great video! I can totally relate as a Korean growing up under confuscious settings. Can you do a segment about what happened during Chinese cultural revolution?

We just had this conversation last night. I'm white, my partner is a immigrant (born in Shanghai moved to the U.S. At 13). Our 8 year old son experiences the push and pull between western values (mine) and eastern values (his).. It's a struggle we combat in our household all the time. Our son thinks dad is "mean" and mom is "nice" and trying to explain to him the cultural differences creates a weird dichotomy in parenting.

most of the points you made about the east also apply to a lot of slavic (east european) countries. our relationship with our parents is quite similar to what you described.

I'm italian and I got beaten A LOT when I was a kid, especially by my grandmother, but her and my parents always said " I beat you because you have to understand that what you did was wrong, and I'm sorry because I didn't want to do it" so it's not that they shamed me, but I know a lot of friends whose parents went like "Shame on you! You have to be ashamed for what you did, that was a bad thing and you are a bad person!" in my opinion this tecnique is not the best, but it works with really bad kids. By the way, great video!!

Mistakes, and the accompanying experiences, are what define one's identity and life. If one is shielded from mistakes and pain, then one is shielded from life. Whether that's good or not, I'll let you decide.

Yup.... my siblings and I got the belt.... We would hear the jingling of the belt buckle coming down the hall and immediately each of us would try to remember if there was something that we forgot to do.... My parents did the job that they needed to do to train us in the right way... all part of growing up. We laugh about it now.... We were very lucky to have parents that acted like parents.

Both parents would "spank" us as children. We didn't call it "beating", that sounds really harsh. They didn't hit hard to hurt, just to sting to teach a lesson. IT WORKED. It is NOT child abuse. Of course as soon as we got old enough to understand the basis behind moral concepts it stopped. And we as Asian children love and respect them completely. It's respect PLUS the affection. And they also gave us alone time, bonding time. I guess the "hybrid" that was mentioned during the vid. Thanks for the discussion Off the Great Wall :)

I got that tough love too..well it's always at the end that I realize that it's my fault. My parents would physically discipline if I answer them back. When I was a kid I really wanted to go play with my neighbors but I was told not to so one time I did went out and they found out so scolded me then I answered back. My mom would pinch me before, I even knelt down on mung beans, standing with books on both hands. And a lot of words. After that incident of escaping I would always asked my parents to let me play outside of the house , they would let me but not all the time coz I have to study

I am a much younger generation but my mom does let me do what i want most of the time but she did beat me when i was younger but i will admit that i was really stubborn.

when tutoring a Chinese mom, she told me a story that her son in elementary school was bad one day (not respectful to her) so the Dad came home from work and told him he wasn’t allowed to go to school the next day. That would never happen in an American household.

the respect less affection is true, my mom and my aunts and uncles on my mom's side was told to call my grandmother "ah sam阿嬸" which is one of the names for aunty bc my grandma didnt want them to call her mama or mummy bc the philosophy behind it is if you get too close with the kids, they might start to not listen misbehave. but its not a bad thing at all bc rn all my aunts and uncles and my mom have the best relationship with my grandma, they still have the same relationship of mother to children except they dont call her mama so they like know where they stand and respect and listen to her. and for disciplining, my grandpas and grandmas generation was BRUTAL to my mom and dad's generation. whenever i misbehave my aunts and uncles and my parents would tell me if they did that during their time they wouldve gotten beat all over the body and my grandpa/grandma wouldve thrown the wok across the room and they wouldve stfu immediately or stuff like that, ofc my parents dont throw woks now bc we dont have anything to use for cooking if they broke the wok. but ofc as an asian, i got beat and "shamed" but it pushed me further so im thankful that my parents did that to me. oh also it pushed me bc i was put in all these situations when i was young not only at home but in school too like the teacher beat and "shame" us so its smtn im very used to and is smtn that helped make me want to work harder. (im still a lazy ass tho)

In terms of sense of responsibility African parents (people who are from Africa), are a hybrid of East and West. When you have reached adulthood (18) they push to be independent (leave the house), but they will always keep tabs on you and pay you visits quite often.

My mom also has loads of different kinds of punishments. Eating the small hot chillies, the cane, the kneeling, etc

as a chinese growing up in traditional fmaily who is half strict your right . they will totally tell you this

I really like this video and its so true i would never to my parents in a home

I just remembered getting screamed at by my parents a lot growing up. I was always afraid that they'll start nagging me until I get extremely annoyed so I try to do what I need to do to avoid it. I'm Chinese but my parents don't normally spank me or anything unless i really screwed up, which is rare cause I want to avoid they're nagging. Really it's more my mom than my dad... Though I have realized my dad is more strict towards my brother and my mom towards me, why is that?

I live in the Philippines and some of this is true based on my personal experiences. My dad would make me kneel on the floor as punishment or make me feel bad/shame me, and use a stick for the "walis tingting" to hit me and on one rare occasion he would use a belt on me. Though my mom (before my dad died) would just pinch me really hard, shame me or give me the silent treatment till i say sorry, and on rare occasions slap me. The family thing is true and me and all my family (mother side) lived near each other and in my father side... we all lived under the same roof 😂😂 and my grannie (mom side) is living with us.

I'm Mexican and when my parents beat me they wouldn't apologize but they would say they were doing it for me it was for my own good I would learn from it and what not.. But before that they did verbally shame me a lot. I'm 20 now and there is a strain in our relationship.

My parents gave me a weird mix of eastern and western discipline. I received the beatings, tough love, scolding, and shaming in the early years; and then they tried to mimic western parents in the later years while still keeping the scolding and shaming.

Some of the characteristics you observe about the relationships between Western children and parents are actually fairly new. The habit of socializing only with age peers and breaking from parents to the degree that is now common has only become the norm since the middle of the last century. Especially in rural areas, it's still not unusual for elderly parents to move in with their children or for 2 or 3 generations of a family to live on the same property.

I'm European American and my parents were not abusive, but my parents basically treated me like Asian parents do, at least, as far as your examples go here. But they DID let me choose my major in college.

My case is that my parents raised me with the western style, like best friends thing, hugging, they allowing me to pursue anything i want or letting me or my sisters do mistakes. But the only thing that matters is that they seem not want to let me go. it's like "you're obligated to live in this house before you get married, if you go you're a bad bad kid." Idk, maybe that was what their parents taught them too. Basically people migrated from China leaving their families behind a hundred years ago and they're terrifying of people leaving the house. Thankfully though my parents very rarely hit me with anything. My dad said he knew what it's like to get hit so he doesn't like it at all.

when i was really young i would get beaten but as i grew older i become brave enough to actually run around until my mum was too exhausted to beat me anymore so from then on i did not get beaten

It's the same in the Middle East. 70% of my relatives are doctors, lawyers or engineers it's like their parents put them on paths and they tell us what to do and not to do so you never get to do the mistakes on your own. Actually there are so many things that are similar maybe it has to do with the long close relationship Asia Middle East had before because of all the trade.