It’s more than shiny new object, for them they are basically malfunctioning, short-circuiting humans on a fundamental level. They have zero insight into themselves as the problem in any relationship. So their facade comes down, their dating partner points out their alarming behavior, they feel attacked and then blame the victim, then abruptly discard and leave. And they find the next one in the hopes it will somehow go differently and that this one will meet their impossible expectations. The next one won’t and they will do the same thing again and reinforce their narrative that the problem is the other person and not possibly them. Some of them never break free from this pattern. They’re unlikely to heal. Way more hope for the anxious because at least they want attachment.
@@chris51385 BINGO. If they were not already working on another r/s when they"discarded", they jump on internet to find another victim. "They have zero insight into themselves as the problem in any relationship. So their facade comes down, their dating partner points out their alarming behavior, they feel attacked and then blame the victim, then abruptly discard and leave."
Regarding avodiants, due to their deep insecurities, i think an important variable is their social circle, and family memebers cheerleading them on for making the "right" choice. As they say misery loves company.
It's so ridiculous that I agree with this comment. It's true, my ghoster is avoidant and I know he will never reach out because his friends are so shitty and toxic, and I had to call him and them out before leaving, and the saddest part is that he's NEVER gonna reach out and make it right because he needs validation and lap dogs, and his friends probably hate me so much that they will fill his heads with things and he never listens to the voice of reason. It's Funny because when he was being confusing and ignoring my messages, avoiding answering questions, etc, they agreed and said that he was an asshole. Like you said, misery loves company. I even wrote that like 4 hours ago in my twitter profile. LOL. Good riddance, I guess.
The other side can also be applicable. Their family and friends might tell them they made the wrong choice to end the connection or not choose a deeper commitment.
It took 7 weeks of no contact for my avoidant ex to reach out. Made contact under the guise of wanting some music. Nothing was said that showed any introspection or shift in awareness. Felt just like to gain attention and talk about themselves. The further I get away from the relationship, the clearer I see how badly I allowed myself to be treated. I feel much more at peace now. I will not invite the disrespect and turmoil back into my life again. Unless I can see there has been significant change there's nothing to even begin to work with.
Yes take care of you that’s the most important. I’ve been exercising and doing other things for “ME” pamper yourself and love yourself as only you can do that better than anyone else
45-60 days is absolutely NOT enough for a true avoidant. Most people should be expecting 3-4 months MINIMUM for an avoidant ex to begin resurfacing. If they have anxious tendencies, that will completely throw off the whole timeline, as they will keep cycling btw the anxious & avoidant sides repeatedly. (Both my ex and I are BOTH avoidants so I speak from some personal experience.)
I agree for the most part. 3-4 months isn't very long for most people after long term relationships however I've known some highly emotionally intelligent avoidants who can process breakups like a securely attached person would so it's different for everyone I suppose. I tend to advise waiting longer (usually 6-8 months) before seriously discussing getting back together. The longer the better in most cases. Thanks for sharing your experience!
My sweet pain in the ass deeply avoidant goes from 2 week to 4 month cycles.... apparently I'm a little avoidant also and can now hang. Though also, non monogamous. I've got good people around
agree. had the same experience and they need A LOOOOOONG time to process. one came back after 1 year, another came back after 1 1/2 years. they really take their time while you wonder if you will ever hear from them again and hence - you already moved on
My avoidant girl cut contact for 4 months and came back suddenly a Saturday night from nowhere... Without any explication. Now we have contact every 3 days we went together for 4 days in Belgium. We are from Paris. ❤😂
I met her 6 months ago. We had a 3-month relationship. Now I've been in no-contact for 70 days since she broke up with me. Honestly, I doubt she'll come back because she got back with her ex-boyfriend. That's just how life is.
Just be thankful you didn’t i invest years of your life into her, like I did. The most devastating breakup imaginable - you’re incredibly lucky it was 3 months and not 3 years.
@@mattv2956 brother, I cannot even imagine that. Love is love isn’t it, that’s how much you’ll struggle for it, for them, their fears always conquer their love for you. They’ll run and hide rather than step out and move forward with you, it’s hard not to take it personally.
It took 9 months last time. I don’t think he will come back again but if he does I can’t fall back into the madness anymore. I have realized my values matter more than the temporary highs I get from seeing him when he decides I can. I am standing by my personal integrity
Anxious attacher here, unresolved trauma pushed my avoidant ex away. Was painful to say the least but showed me what i need to change in order to lead a healthy life and find love again one day. Part of me wants him to reach out but it would be on his terms and i know i cant hold onto hope alls it will destroy me.
Hi ! I’m going through the exact same thing. I hope you choose you and you find a way to heal. I’m in that process that also wanting him back still to prove to him how great I am, but reality is he doesn’t deserve that. Stay strong
My ex has both childhood trauma and is a widow. I was her first "serious" partner two years post her husbands death and boy did i pay a heavy emotional price for getting into that relationship. I love her, but i won't be inviting that hurt back into my life.
@@gayleneflower398 That’s not always true. I had a really healthy, good childhood. There was not a single thing that I was traumatized by when I met my ex. But he had a really awful childhood. I think they’re attracted by something that they don’t have, and try to take advantage of it. And they just end up ruining you : )
it really variates a lot. as long as the connection was deep, and even if it was short, they could come back. on the other hand, if they are good at soothing themselves with substances or rebound-relationships, i think it gets more difficult. never impossible - but so much more difficult. and who wants that...
This! I was so angry when she took drugs behind my back while i was one day gone to a friend of mine. Just talk about your feelings instead of avoiding it smh
Ours fizzled out overtime. Said she doesn't know who she is anymore and wanted to focus on being a mother for awhile. Didn't part on bad terms. Truly hope she realizes I would love her through it all and comes back. But if not, I'll be ok.
Also through a similar situation except we were set to be married in 8 months she was a single mother before. Now she has moved partially back to her moms and we are co parenting atm only time will tell. I really do recommend working on yourself I found recently I’m a anxious attached style person
as much as i hate to admit, there's still a part of me that is still hoping my avoidant ex would message me. just a simple "hey, how are you? how are things?" would mean the world to me. its almost 4 months (this coming june 4 to be exact) since he broke up with me which was also the start of no contact. but sometimes the other part of my brain would say just move on cause he's never coming back and that he probably already forgot my existence haha.
Wow...June 4 will be four months for me. I hate to admit it too. I only broke no contact once in that time. I still wish she was in my life. But honestly I feel sad for her because she won't open up to have a real relationship. Her past relationships did damage her. So she justs avoids to protect herself. She doesn't realize she could have had a healthy relationship with me.
It's completely normal to want them to reach out. Speaking from other avoidants, many of them want to reach out during those initial months but for various reasons unique to them they often don't. While it's great to have some recognition from an ex that you still exist, I've learned the best option is to move on. He may come back, but you'll be in a far better position if you moved on assuming he won't. I wouldn't go as far to say they forget you exist, many avoidants intermittently ruminate about their exes for an extended period of time after the breakup
@@carlrav5660 same here. even if they have love right in front of them, they cant see it. its sad, but at some point, i have to protect myself from these damaging behaviours and actually find someone who appreciates what i have to offer.
Charlie just found out about you, ive been hearing you for 45 minutes on deep focus. Im finding your ways of unveiling information soo soothing and eye opening! Keep going you are doing great man. Anxious avoidant here, its been two weeks since i broke up with her, currently starting to regret it. But imma hold back and try to be a better me first, and regain balance. I cannot be wrong, ill get clarity over it all, and if it happens i truly regret it, i can present myself to her as a healtier partner. Your content really resonated with everything im feeling rightnow. Thank you for posting, Manuel
I agree! As a former fearful avoidant (secure now), no contact and breakups were difficult for me no matter if I was the one asking for it or on the receiving end of it
It’s almost if they psychically sense the purpose of no contact. They’ll know if it’s a tactic and you’re obsessing every waking moment or if you’re genuinely using the time to heal and grow.
10 months nc and i still miss her, I could not handle it anymore and broke the thing we hath. I want her back but not like it was before, I can’t get over her
So basically, the other persons "need" for space is more important than being open and communicating? isn't that putting someone else's need BEFORE yours?. It's the same thing as if someone is not respecting your requests for communication. So it does sound like one persons feelings are being put above "being more important" than the other persons feelings. That what they NEED is more important than what you NEED, even though both people have needs and a relationship should be a partnership, not putting one person before or above the other but having mutual respect. So one person is literally FORCED to give into the demands of the other which is not healthy.
That's an interesting perspective, thanks for sharing! I can understand how it can be seen as putting the other person's feelings above another's, but it's improtant to keep context in mind when talking about no contact: assuming someone is directly asking for no contact, it's to be interpreted as a boundary and therefore should be respected. Continuing to push for communication after no contact has been requested is an indirect way of saying communication is more important than that person's request for space I'm certainly not referring to when people ghost or go silent as that's not a communicated boundary. It can also be interpreted that the need to refrain from seeking communication from someone that's clearly not reciprocating that communication is not necessarily putting their needs above yours, but prioritizing your needs for peace and safety over someone that clearly is unable to give you what you need in that type of situation
@@healingwithcharlie I feel it is very immature and unhealthy to ghost someone else. It shows a lack of wanting to resolve problems or to explain the other persons perspective for "why" they do not wish to communicate or continue a relationship. So no, I do not agree with ghosting or using the silent treatment. I do interpret it as a sort of avoidance of problem solving and can even be used as manipulation when someone has done wrong and does not want to own up to their errors, and Why would someone be unable to give you what you want?. Think about it, everything we decide in life is a choice. So if I choose to support someone for example I am making a conscious choice. If I choose not to be kind, I am making a choice. So someone can always choose that yes, they want to do for the other.
@@kitty2doggyMeow i think the same way like you. and i think, communication is key and mature. so if you stand for these values, its actually a good thing and i also think if you really stand behind your own values, and you think you are in the right, its even ok to break no contact, if its for a birthday wish or just asking how things are, to show that you can stand above these games and show your appreciation. and if they still act like emotionally immature people and ignore you or block you, then we have our answer, and look for people who are actually on the same level.
I’m feeling really despondent right now. It’s been 5 weeks since he told me to go away and that he never wanted to speak to me again. He had completely blindsided me, we were great and thriving one minute, cold for a few days and then bam, it’s over. No real explanation. I tried to talk to him about what happened, but when I got no replies, I just let him be. Then I ran in to him and he was really nice. Asked to meet up for coffee after he’d finished doing what he had to do. I went to the meet up place he suggested, and waited and waited. He never came. When I later asked why, he said he’d run in to friends and was busy catching up with them. I was upset and angry at the disrespect - not even a message to say he wasn’t coming. I told him it was a rotten thing to do and called him out for it. Worst thing I could have done, because he used my anger as a reason for pushing me away completely. He made me the villain. I was doing okay, but now going through a rough patch again. I know it’s still early days, but he seems like he’s out there living high again as though we never even happened. 😞
Sorry to hear about your recent experience. Although I can understand and rationalize why something like this can happen, I certainly wouldn't excuse it. I believe you're right though, it is possible he's used your anger as a means to an end. Sort of like an indirect way to self-sabotage what remained. You'll have good days and bad days, but over time I hope you're able to find a balance once again
he played with you and he didnt appreciate what you feel or have to give. hes not on your level. you have the right intentions, he doesnt. you aim up, he aims down. you look for the right thing, in the wrong person. trust in your values, you are on a good way, its just not him, hes an idiot. and karma will catch up with him for this behaviour. trust me. because i was like him once! truth and lie / false behaviour are not just words, they are deep rooted rules of life. life will give justice to everyone, and he will get there at some point. you will just not be around him when it hits him, but it will for sure. best regards =)
don't let him stay rent free in your head! I got discarded in april after my dad went into the hospital and an ex got into my computer and phone on two separate occasions. told a one time close friend of what had happened throught both text and a letter, and she has completely ghosted me and is making it out like i was stalking her and a liar. I was very upset about how she's treated me, but let them. she's going to be learning the hard way now with the new group of much younger friends she has (*she's almost 50, her friend group is 20-30's.). Whatever they have put into her head about me, she believes them over me, even when i did nothing wrong. but she's got to learn the hard way and get the rug pulled from under her. love her, but it's never going to be the same anymore.
My avoidant ex offered me a "beautiful friendship" after we broke up because he felt like he liked his independence and he didn't know how to reciprocate my love. I tried to do it but found out he wasn't even asking about me and we were barely communicating, and it was too much effort to grieve the relationship for almost nothing as a friendship. So I decided to block him.. it was starting to affect my mental health I still wish he would reach out but I am aware I need to block him to heal.. so I'm putting myself first now
Similar story here. She claimed that she was better at friendship but she was actually so much worse at it. I suppose her definition of "being better" was feeling free from the obligation of reciprocation (which is obviously not a true friendship). You are incredibly beautiful by the way. I pray you find peace with someone who appreciates you and your efforts. Namaste. 🙏
@@vettie I’m sorry you had to go through that 😞 I have to agree that choosing the friendship takes away a lot of commitment and responsibility out of them🫂 thank you! 💗 and same for you
My goal with no contact with an DA at the moment is self reflect on whether we “really compatible.” and not compromise my routines that continue to make my life positive and fulfilling.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
My avoidant blocked me and moved to another country, he was so reserved with his job opportunity. He doesn't know he is avoidant and I have just discovered we were in an anxious -avoidant dinamic "situationship". I went through a difficult time when a relative was diagnosed with a tumor.He couldn't handle me being so anxious and ghosted me when I needed emotional support. All he was able to say is that he didn't want to hurt me...Is there any possibility he would try to reach out again after blocking?? I understand he has childhood traumas..I know now he didn't do things on porpose. But is important to have in life somebody who cares for you... Just leaving people who loves you will make you be alone in your 50s!!!!!...I would have given him the purest love ...I just need to speak things..I won't judge him!!! You still won't reach out your ex after this??? WHAT IF I TRY TO REACH OUT TO HIM AFTER 1 YEAR OR SO FROM ANOTHER MOBILE?? WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR EX TRIES TO REACH OUT AFTER 1 or 1,5 YEARS ?? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?? It would help me if you answer to me.
@eulabarredo5186 My avoidant blocked me and moved to another country.He doesn't know he is avoidant and I have just discovered we were in an anxious -avoidant dinamic "situationship". I went through a difficult time when a relative was diagnosed with a tumor.He couldn't handle me being so anxious and ghosted me when I asked for emotional support. All he was able to say is that he didn't want to hurt me.. Now I understand he has childhood traumas..I know he didn't do things on porpose. But is important to have in life somebody who care for you... Just leaving people who loves you will make you be alone in your 50s...I would have given him the purest love ...I just need to speak things..I won't judge him!!! We have so much in common and it took me 10 years to find him and I know it took him 5 years to meet me... WHAT IF I REACH OUT AFTER 1 YEAR OR SO FROM ANOTHER MOBILE ?? HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF AN EX REACHES OUT TO YOU AFTER SOME TIME?? I appreciate if you could answer me. It would really help me. Thank
For those that are uncertain. Listen carefully to the advice. I have been in this cycle for 28 years. Breakup 5 now I believe. Outside stressors for lead to me dropping the ball this time. Also I worked and learned huge amounts at last one, this is now refreshing to re learn and there is far more great advice available now than 6 years ago. Learn about your partner but absolutely understand yourself 1st. Have faith, have diligence and all will become clearer and easier. Love yourself and you will begin to understand. When you heal. Then decide what is best for you. See what they have work they have done and move forward together or start a different new journey.
@jasonshilcock998, why WHY did you waste 28 years of your life and go through 5 (!!) breakups with your avoidant? That is no kind of relationship to have. It's blindingly obvious that you have avoidant issues yourself because you chose to stay in a non-relationship for decades instead of breaking it off and looking for something better. This is the opposite of a healthy, secure attachment.
I've been in a connection with my DA for 6 years. I walked because we weren't on the same page about marriage. His family has been rooting for us to get married for 3 years. He started posting declarations of his love for me within 3 weeks of NC, once he had updated his family and friends about the situation. But knowing him and also what external stressors he faces with work and finance, I reckon it will take anywhere between 3-6 months. He will feel that making his feelings for me public that this holds him accountable, but he will also have to pass through a trial to upgrade himself in a sense which will take time. I am not going to "wait" the whole time, as it would just be like holding myself hostage. But I also consider him someone who takes promises quite seriously, so there is a chance he'll be back with the ring and the proposal.
What about "no contact" when there was never a break up, just a long-term partner disappearing/ghosting on the day we were supposed to have a "serious" talk? They read 2 of my messages in the week after they ghosted me. The ghosting started at 11th of May 2024. Is there a chance this is some form of "deactivation" or is this just breaking up?
The one thing that stands out to me with attachment coaches I come across, (aside from the soundness of suggesting for us to strategize in war games fashion to get someone back who is unhealed and can’t meet our needs), is that if you read through the billions of comments in any of these posts, the overwhelming majority suggest that it doesn’t work and can’t work and it doesn’t work and can’t work when you get back together. I know there are outliers and I did have one who came back and we stayed together for many great years so I know it does happen. But one wouldn’t think it ever does when we stay in the comments section lol 😢
Good point, you win lol. Comments are the space to vent over the pain of how it went, not the hope for what it could be. Notice a lot of avoidants on here tryna learn about themselves (though they won’t admit it 😂)
@@chris51385 look up a attachment councillor and RU-vidr called Ken Reid, as far as I can see he presents a more realistic take on avoidant attachers and says it how it is, rather than most others who promote unrealistic messages about exes coming back. He keeps it very real, he says that from all his many years counselling in attachment and breakups he’s never seen a dismissive avoidant return to a relationship and have it work out. Not without years of therapy where they are serious about doing the work. So yeah, I think the reality is less positive than these other coaches lead ua to believe. Look him up, he’s extremely knowledgable on attachment theory.
Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Cmon. NC is the MOST painful "healing" method ever!!! One of my ex gf did it to me and I got more and more angrier. Years later she answered to me finally and gave some reasonable explanations but I just wrote her heavy condemnations and said I`ll hate her forever. Which I do. Really do. My ex-wife filed divorce and I was pretty confused at first. But we kept contact and I got peace soon and saw the reasons why the divorce was inevitable.
Charlie's ex came back after she saw him blowing up on social media? Yea.... if that happened to me, I wouldn't want her back. You didn't want me before but you want me now that I'm glowing up? NO THANKS
Amazing coach. Thank you so much for this video. I like how deep you went in regards to the factors of the break up in the first place and about how the relationship was prior break up. These are things coaches don’t really dive deep into. All of these definitely play a role. Subscribed and liked
Been 2 years in NC. 3 year relationship, no abuse, small fight which they instigated that lead to the end. Days before she was talking marriage. Never heard from her again.
I agree with everything except they should learn to express themselves and say "I need space". Not just disappear. How was I suppose to respect his boundaries, when he just said "Will you be friends with me" (we were already in a relationship). I felt so hurt. I didn't understand he just wanted less of texting or more space. I didn't see it was him pulling away already until he yelled at me (in a text message) "Shut up! Just Shut up! Why don't you go and do your life and I do mine? I am not against you, I am with you." I was so confused. His communication skills were jaw-dropping low.
The no contact journey has its good days and bad days. Milestone dates like anniversaries and birthdays can be especially challenging. I'd recommend making plans with friends or family during these times to help work through these days with support from others
I know the feeling, it sucks especially around the holidays. I broke NC after the 2 month mark with her and told her how I'd been feeling since the break up; however, I recognize now it was just the loneliness of the Christmas season.
why dont you just congratulate? just to express your truth? and if there is no answer, then you just move on. i dont understand why to hold back, for what? they express their side, you express yours. it about being honest to yourself and your emotions
Its been 120 days after a painful, complicated breakup. I was gaslit and lied to, but ultimately I acted embarrassing in the very end. Will probably never hear from her again.
My relationship ended a month ago. Our wedding was scheduled for August. She did the dumping. Oh well, I am back to dating now and living my life. Oh and, on her WhatsApp profile, she posted something which read: I can be replaced, but there won't be any like me. 🤭🤭🤭
It’s kinda intimidating to comment since I’ve seen some negative comments that are about this topic when it comes to avoidants in general. It seems like there’s a lot of anxious types that resent a connection with an Avoidant. So the funny thing is what Charlie said about his experience is similar to mine rn. This was my first serious relationship. I really still do love & care for her. In my life so far, I’ve had a lot of people fall in love with me easily but I’ve never fallen in love until I met her and even then it caught me so off guard. The thing is, during this no contact which technically has been months but also a couple of days since we last spoke.. I’ve learned a lot. I didn’t know about attachment types. I ended up learning that I’m an anxious attachment and that she’s a fearful avoidant attachment. I’m hoping that by commenting this that I’ll have a sense of community of people that hear me out and respect what I have to say or think. As I said I really still care for her. I’m really confused since genuinely it was a 180 from her first response to the most recent one. It left me confused. In all honesty our relationship has been pretty healthy & good. It had lasted over 2 years. Hence why I feel so confused about what happened. During this time I learned that I can trust my gut.. what I feel and think most of the time. Which this is the part where I’m glad Charlie said it’s okay to want someone back. I knew already awhile ago what I feel should be valid and not rejected simply because it doesn’t align with what another person may experience. But it was good to hear it from another person than my own sometimes. It seems like I’m on a good path right now. But it isn’t easy since I have anxiety and these thoughts really can have a chokehold on me at times. That’s why I’m planning to talk to my therapist about this. My plan is to further heal from this insecure attachment to a more secure one. The good thing is it seems I already have some traits of a more secure attachment but I’m not where I want to be for myself. I’ll admit I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m probably figuring this out as we go like the most of you. Back to my now ex, I genuinely have this pure & unconditional love that I didn’t even know I could experience. It feels so genuine & natural to me. It’s surprising since I’ve never been in love prior to this relationship. I genuinely want her back because I really just wanted to share my life with her. I wanted to support her, make her laugh and heal with me. I guess in a way we did get to do that. I told her that I think it was just a bad situation with two good people involved. I still strongly believe that. For me, I do miss her rn. I do ask myself if she’ll come back. I wonder what happened on her end that she couldn’t ever tell me when I tried to ask her what happened exactly. What I learned is as an anxious person, to just leave it. Give her that space. Focus more on myself. I did everything that I could do to help while we were still somewhat communicating. That’s okay. I did enough. Now it’s my time to step back and let her fight her own battles. I trust that if she needs help that she’ll go to people she trusts. I let her know that if for whatever reason she wants to just pop up & chat with me for a bit that, that’s fine too. There’s a lot I have to say because there’s a lot I’ve observed & learned. My advice to anyone who is going through this same boat as me is this. - go talk to a therapist if you can - have a support group - hang out with your friends - do what you love for yourself - express yourself so you don’t bottle up those emotions. - get to learn about yourself & be honest with yourself. Whether she comes back or not is on her, that’s her choice. But what we’re in control of is how we respond and what we do with that information that is presented to us. It’s best for me at this time to move on from her. However I am allowed to still hold space for her if I want to do so. But it is also important to hold my boundaries as well. I was hoping we could at least be friends since I would’ve been happy with that too.. only time will tell what will become out of this relationship. One last thing. I saw this on a reddit post. It helped me a lot when I was trying to figuring out what to do after her last message. Someone said along the lines of “Don’t worry about them, focus on yourself. Sometimes what the case is when you’re going to therapy you’ll realize if it’s a battle worth fighting for. It’ll give you an answer on whether to keep trying or to just let the relationship end.” The way I took this is, lingering onto them will only make matters worse yourself than necessary. The best way to know if you either outgrew the relationship or just simply for a period of time drifted apart for a bit. Is to understand & heal yourself. Because only then you’ll understand what you value, what your boundaries are and what your priorities are. When you get there, you’ve healed a bit and understand a bit better of what you truly want. If you realized that this won’t work then move on entirely. If you realized you still want to hold space for them then don’t give up hope. In neither of these scenarios are you giving up on somebody. The reality is you can’t fix what the other doesn’t want to fix when it comes to a party of 2 or more. You can only heal yourself. Which in return you’ll have more secure responses. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you leave the relationship or no longer to pursue it. Especially if you were genuinely trying to mend what has been broken. It’s not on you if the other person doesn’t want to. It sounds awful. Even I still have a hard time digesting that pill but it’s the truth. You can’t change what has happened, but you can sure take control of your destiny. Recognize your feelings. Understand your emotions. Respect your boundaries. Do with that truly resonates with you. Don’t let all that noise of other people become mixed up as your own thoughts when they aren’t. At least in my case it only confused me more on what I truly wanted. Like I resonated with this channel.. it doesn’t feel like I’m being shoved down statements down my throat or told what is right or wrong. I’m being acknowledged and accepted on how I may feel. It’s just simply presenting me information so I can therefore make myself an educated decision.
Wow, I'm not even sure what to say other than thank you for your thoughtful comment! I certainly can't match your level of energy and thoughtfulness in my reply, and I wouldn't want to overshadow it so I appreciate your kind response. I'm glad you've found a home in my content and wish you all the best with your healing journey :)
Genuine question. I am not sure if we're dealing with avoidants or narcissist? Whichever there seems to be a cruel, selfish element in no contact. There's not an end from which you can both move on. The resurfacing when they choose or feel ready shows no empathy or acknowledgement of the other person's needs in the relationship or closure of the relationship. This, i don't think, is coming from a place of anger or resentment. It is genuinely a desire to understand. Something i recognise, ironically, keep me kinda stuck.
Often a hot topic as both are loosely applied interchangeably. First, a narcissist can have an avoidant attachment style but not all avoidants are narcissists. Given recent data, NPD is still considered a rare diagnosis. Can your avoidant person have narcissistic traits? They sure can but so do all humans even if they aren't malicious people. Narcissistic traits are just inherently human traits at the end of the day so it's important to make the distinction between narcissistic traits and NPD as a diagnosis. While I won't deny elements of cruelty or selfishness within no contact can exist, often those can be traced back to feelings from deep within that are usually associated with an abandonment wound (but not always). I try not to rationalize when someone "chooses to do something", or "feels ready", because avoidants are people like everyone else simply operating based on emotional reactions to their nervous system that determines between safe and unsafe choices, actions and decisions. Naturally, after some time has passed and once emotions have cooled, one would feel comfortable initiating contact again as the fear of conflict has subsided. I typically find in my work with anxious attachers or other people who've experienced intense anxiety from a breakup with someone avoidant, is that they often feel invalidated and unappreciated from the limited opportunity for discourse during a breakup or when no contact is requested which can leave no contact interpreted as a selfish attempt to push others away. When it comes to no contact, it can be interpreted as a personal boundary. When we look at it this way, naturally it's on the other person to dictate how flexible that boundary is, and when and how it can be asserted. Understanding no contact in this way helped me become "unstuck" and ultimately move on because even though someone else was asking me for no contact, I would've wanted the same boundary to be respected and understood by them if I were in their shoes.
@@healingwithcharlie Thank you for taking the time to give such a full response. I have no idea why but in this relationship I became aware that I have some kind of abandonment fear, a strong one. Despite knowing from experience I am more than capable of 'go it alone'. He has never asked for no contact, though his ability to communicate has always been an issue. He certainly avoids anything that he interprets as conflict by shutting down or leaving. That clearly is from trauma, I believe from childhood. His actions, it seems, are communicating no contact unless on his terms. Regardless the intention, it has been and is painful for me. Though I'm strangely grateful as it has forced me to respond in a different way, which may ultimately be better for me. I am focusing on myself, my own learning, growth and to identify what my needs really are. I can't blame anyone else for not meeting my needs when it was me who routinely shelved them in order to accommodate others desires. Your posts certainly generate conversation in your comments. So be very proud of that xx
As a fearful avoidant who got dumped by an avoidant, it sucks. I still miss him but i know that he needs his space, just like me. I hope we can rekindle as I'm working on myself and have made progress. He admitted when he was wrong so I'm sure he's done work separately before i came into the picture
Thanks for sharing your story, I hope you’re both able to work through things and find a way to rekindle. Either way, it’s good you’ve both done so work during this time :)
After almost 3 years my ex blindsided me one day saying he realised I look and sound like his ex and his feelings were gone! I went no contact and he hasn't tried to reconnect...10 months and for the best.
I dated an avoidant three months went into no contact and it’s been two years no contact. Its was pure bliss and a highly energetic experience. I did nothing wrong. He ghosted me. He had put me on a pedestal. The love was and is still there from both sides. He went into healing is childhood trauma. I been healing too. We both work together but we stay on our sides of the building. What happens in that case? I hope he comes back around healed. Its been a long time with little contact.😢
Suppose it depends how you would differentiate how each attachment style experience's time. Given avoidant attachment and fearful avoidant attachment can be related to other mental health conditions such as CPTSD and personality disorders, they could impact how people experience time based on their overall symptoms, especially if dissociation or depersonalization is ever present
Mine told me they “couldn’t be in a relationship right now” as “closure I deserve” lol and is now on the exact dating app I met them on. Laughable. Good luck
Always believe they relationship before you if you listen to what they say then you will know how it will turn out with you people don’t change they just change the person they gonna hurt in the long run once they get what they came for and it’s not love if a person say I love fast believe him he don’t love you
Sometimes they will never reach out because they may have physical abused you and after you tried to take your own life so they are fearful of your emotions.
They cheat and find someone else. I agree with others. This was a 6 yr relationship. He was toxic and unstable. I couldn't handle it. Now I know why so many people hate FAs.
It’s been more than 3 months, is that a sign that the avoidant is not coming back? During these 3 month this person gave me a lot of mixed signals, like watching my stories even after I removed him as my follower, liking my stories, posts, TikTok reposts etc. it’s all kind of messy, I just need to understand what is going on 😭😭😭
Thank you for the content of your video. I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, on and off for over 10 years and through content like yours I have now discovered the term dissmissive avoidant. I initiated no contact about a month ago and have not looked back since, using the time to understand what had gone on over the past decade of our so called relationship. He tried to reach out one time through a mutual friend but has not done so since. Will he ever consider returning since it was me who walked away? All I want is an acknowledgment that he knows we have wasted each other’s lives and that it can’t go on 😢
I stopped dealing with anyone romantically period. Unhealed confusing people are not worth the mess they bring. They are annoying as hell. I have friends but I don't let anyone get past that. I am not guarding anything but my mental peace. 😂
My ex that left me asked for no contact, and it’s been a week. Now he's watching all my stories, liking posts, and posting my favorite songs in his notes. I'm not sure how to take it, but for now, I'm still going to try no contact for a while. If anyone has some insight or went through something similar, do you know how i should proceed? Thanks for the videos 🥰
I have been in no contact for almost two months now and have no plan of contacting her. Unless, she initiates that as she was the one to end the relationship. Actually, I told her that it was fine, if she doesn't want the relationship because I was tired of her finding excuses not to meet after she had constantly became cold and warm. Then she said, I have already told you that I didn't want the relationship anymore. She thinks, it is better we become friends but I didn't response to that.
Idk if I’m in no contact with my person. We had a conflict, almost called it off but decided to work things out. They mentioned they needed space in general right now in their life, it’s only been 2 days of “no contact” lol sooooooo idk exactly where I land Update: From what I understood out of the conversation my partner and I had after conflict is that we were going to work towards repair. We didn’t get into the topic of what repair looks like for us. BUT the contact since has been minimal and I’ll be honest it has been me reaching out the entire time here and there. My partner does respond gently and kindly, but answers are via txt and very short, also days apart which has never been the case. Now idk where we stand and the fact that they needed space to begin with is leaving me feeling like I shouldn’t ask for a follow up conversation. It’s almost like I’m walking on eggshells. I kind of want some clarity
Might fall into the category of "limited contact". No quite as extreme as no contact, but still provides space for people to process what's going on, while still leaving the door open for further communcation down the line. Until one or both of you mutually agrees that no contact is the best solution, I'd take things one day at a time for now considering things still seem fresh :)
They don’t want contact yet don’t block you? Why? My ex ended the relationship because of unresolved trauma and something I did (because I cared) that triggered him and thought I was being malicious. Never had a convo on the phone for an explanation just decided I was being spiteful and ended it. Looking back he was aggressive and sometimes spoke to me horribly as soon as I became his gf. He has not blocked me despite my multiple calls that I’ve now stopped just put his phone on DND. He still checks my WhatsApp status. I would like to be with someone reliable and mentally stable.
I’m in the same boat. Still has my mom and G’ma on her Facebook. And she didn’t block me or take our photos down. Weird. We spent almost 4 years together
Sometimes a coping mechanism to deal with stress and reinforce intense feelings of freedom and independence, but it doesn’t usually last long for most relationships. Although, I’ve worked with others who’ve been in very longterm relationships with narcissists where this was truly what they needed to move on (not as common though). Another aspect to consider, for avoidants do feel they’re in relationships where they’re deeply invalidated and unfulfilled, they may move on to casual relationships soon after breaking up, partly because the breakup was grieved leading up to the breakup itself. Does all of this mean they can’t come back? Nope. Someone can always come back with time but depending on how strong their coping strategies are, and how good new friendships, relationships or flings are after the breakup may delay how soon they reach out (if at all). I don’t want to give them impression that they all come back or reach out, because many don’t but if they do it’ll be because enough time has passed for them to process the breakup and experience what life was like without you, both for good and bad.
@@healingwithcharlie thank you for explaining this in detail I’m so conflicted, she just threw everything we had out the window in a snap, there was this handwritten card I gave her, which was next to her bed, and I was literally shaking when I found out a slice of the condom wrapped on top of it, it cut me so deep
8 yrs and it was a sudden breakup by him and very traumatic for me. He replaced me within weeks of discarding me. I reached out several times and he was so cold and cruel. I finally went no contact in January and am finally started in to completely get over him. I won't lie, I loved him deeply.
3+ yrs together. He broke us up. Been NC for 95 days. Hes a FA more than DA. He was saying it was all feelings and i was setting triggers off at the end. His feelings for me will never change, but the feelings for the relationship has. No blocking. No mutual friends. No posting on social media. He still pays my phone which is odd ( he helped me out in a bad situation). So i don't know. 🤷♀️. Ive certainly went through the worst of it & knocked him off the pedestal. I will always be in love with him, so will my kids.
If I'm wrong I apologise but it sounds like you're still making allowances for his behaviours. Behaviours that ultimately hurt you. The 'good' they do is minimal, all on their terms, and helps keep you on hold. You and definitely your kids deserve better and a male role model who is a real adult.
@denimspear I'm good. I've done work on myself, workbooks, therapy when needing a boost of understanding what I was dealing with. I'm not perfect by any means. Had I known about attachment style, I would have been able to navigate better. But I can't save someone and sacrifice myself. He'd have to do a whole hell of a lot of work to come back. I'd be there if that was the case. But I'm just not waiting on it. Thank you for your comment.
@@felonious77-00 hi thank you for taking my comment. Based on your reply, I think we're in a similar situation and dealing with it in similar ways. I think you're further along than me. I am finding it hard and confusing. I'm happy in the moments I have inner peace. Sending love x
My situation is a bit special. I was in a relationship with a religious girl for almost 3 years. Their family never knew about it. She always thought her family will cut ties with her for dating me. We were perfect and all was great. She went to her home country to visit. Suddenly calls me and tells me she can't do with the guilt no more. And ask never to see again. I did what I shouldn't: I begged her to talk when she comes back. I thought at least I deserve a real conversation. She is now back in town and she is still not reaching out. I was more than her boyfriend, we were also best friends before starting dating. I just don't know what to think.
So I just went no contact with my LDR girlfriend of 3 years. I Have done everything to bridge our 1000 mile distance, I was gonna drive to see her she said don't in the beginning, so after a bit of time I bought her a plane ticket, she mysteriously went distant the day of flight and said she was sick, so we made up after all that and about a year ago I drove 1000 miles to see her and I ended up sitting in the hotel for 3 days before driving home cause she avoided me when I showed up. So its been a year since me going to see her and I finally said to her if she can figure out a way to see me let me know, but until then we are not gonna communicate. We have facetimed and never gave her any money so its not that type of situation I just think whenever I get close she avoids.
Not sure what it was. Something between friendship and situationship. No sex, but came close (I ended up leaving, long story). I was crazy about her. Ended badly. I forced myself into no contact, even though she was my next door neighbour, for my own mental and emotional well being. Had a few runs ins that I kept as brief as possible without completely ignoring her. She reached out after 4 or 5 months because I decided to move away. All of a sudden she came running (through text of course, no knock on the door) to maintain the connection, but by that point I'd had enough and with the months of no contact, I'd moved on. I haven't spoken to her since. That was 8 months ago.
Even if they weren't important I'd still recommend getting them back if that's what you wanted. Bear in mind, requesting these items back can be interpreted in a few ways depending on the circumstances surrounding no contact: 1) You're ready to move on 2) You've fully detached 3) You no longer have feelings for them Even if those are untrue, they can still be interpreted by the other person in that way. I'd recommend keeping the interaction small, direct and to the point. Focus on getting your things back. Possibly ask a friend to be the one to gather your items if necessary. Ask them to mail your things back. There are still other methods of getting items back without breaking no contact
One of mine came back after 4 month. An other one after 11 years. Generally they almost all came back at a certain point, anywhere betweek 9 month - 3 yeras
@@aristark559 Its not a problem, I never hoped and never waited. Usually by the time they wanted to come back I either already had a new girlfriend, or was dating a few new where she was just a 4th one...
@@aristark559 There was only a few aightforward, most never opened up about that, but it was clear. Really different on everyone, but the main ones: 1: Started a new relationship, missed me, but wanted to give a shot to the new guy 2: (common by the way) rebounded/monkeybranched was not working out and I was the second/third option and safety net 3: wronged me (cheated, also common), and genuinely felt disgusted and shamed by herself, and took several years to come clear with herself 4: avoidant / stubborn/willfull: felt like she needed to stick with her decision despite the feelings 5: figured I leveled up (money,looks, body, personality, etc) heavily in life and hypergamy kicked in, suddenly I became a high challenge (dont trust theese women) 6: she thought I gonna fight for her and start to chase/persuade. Since it not happened (why would it? She left me so therefore she needs to chase 100% from now on), she thought she was not important for me (NEVER chase woman) Eventually I am with a new woman now. The last one came back after 11 month now (she monkeybranched), however I told her nope, because I am giving a chance to the new lady. If it fails, then, and only then we can be FWB, but not a couple anymore because of the monkeybranch.
1 week after I told her not to contact me she sent me a message saying she unblocked me and she was so sorry we didn’t workout and what she did to me. Also that I’m such an amazing man. Told her it was time for me to move on. Told her she needs to go seek help. It’s been 2 weeks and crickets. 8 year relationship.
This is one of the challenging aspects of no contact, sometimes people can come back but it still not be the right time to reconnect. Hopefully she can find the helps she needs and perhaps can bring you both together again if it's meant to be. Otherwise, I wish you all the best regardless :)
Well jesus, if you were that blunt about it I’m not surprised you’ve got crickets. You know you only typically get a few reach outs before they give up, letting her know it’s safe to reach out is important, if you want her back that is.
@@norswil8763 she knows! I told her not to contact me until she was ready to talk. Then a week later I got that text. But I felt it was a closure not a “I want to talk”. I told her it she should get some help and wasn’t the same girl I fell in love with.
This is true for most! Many content creators and coaches will swear by no contact as a means to bring an avoidant ex back, but this simply isn't the case for most. True dismissive avoidants often feel safer in their independence, and won't be so quick to leave that for a relationship until they're ready. The fear of conflict if they were to return can also be a motivating factor to stay away which is why I recommend using no contact for yourself, rather than trying to "win" someone back
My ex initiated the breakup. I asked for some time and a talk that was supposed to be about a week later. He agreed and even texted me the day befor and asked at what time he should come over, i know that he did it for me because i always tried to handle it secure. During that week i realised that he is in his deactivated phase and there is no point in talking to him cause the decision was made on his side that it is over. I said i am no longer interested in a talk and i dont want to have contact atm. He respects my decision. He has been on my tiktok account 3 weeks after that tho. Since i said i dont want contact I feel like the ball is in my court but i dont know what to do :(
He left me and got with somone else straight away we was together 2 year had a baby and his relationship before me was his first ever and it lasted 20 he got with me and always said he never felt love like it I gave him confidence in how he acted and his looks we was amazing or so I thought we hardly ever argued either but our last week together he kept pushing and pushing me so I think he had her before he left me but I'm so heartbroken he was everything to me I'm doing no contact I don't see him when he comes for our son 3 times a week my elder son takes him to the door but he dosent even do a random message I get nothing from him 3 months and counting
I think avoidants are just not deep soul searching type people. Just go on thinking they are okay. I know one that is an addict (6th OWI and daily MJ use for many, many years) but AA, does not work if you don't open up. Likes very superficial type TV shows, that type of person. Oh, nothing is wrong here. Thinks with the right person the relationship will be easy and just fall into place.😅
I Don't know how to share my experience with an avoidant 😑 But i like to keep it real. 😅 I've been in a none committeed relationship with an avoidant for 9 long years... We use to fight a lot ( like in evey month) but yeah he always come back. But emotionally very detached. Don't like physical touch ( hugs) One fine day he told me this is our last meet b'coz he move to orher area ( a bit far than my city) A month we Don't talk to each other, than he started contacting me. After 5 month we started dated Again. But i always accusing him of heaving an affair with others. Sometime he explained to me and says It's not real ( my accusations) and sometimes he says yes yes whatever you Think is right okay I'm with my girlfriend now so bye. And all that. Oh he tried to make me joules as well. (so often) but last time I accusing him and we had fight and It's 35days we are in no contact. I'm not expecting him to come back. B'coz i know if i call him now he will be fine Again. But i Have Trust issue 😅 so what's the point to start Things again, and It's been 9 years still he Doesn't want to committee so It's clear he will never gonna committee to me. So again no point. I'm Sharing my experience with you guyz to just make young people aware of it. I was 15 when i meet him and he was 21 so at that age It's easy to make mistake and when you get older but still It's hard to end things b'coz of attachment. So be very careful in life. Don't waste your beautiful years on something like that. ❤
do you think its helpful to send them a message to initiate no contact? to show that yourself and them that you have standard and boundaries. and not just ghost them after they send a breakup text message...I feel bad not letting them know why I haven't responded to the breakup text to me. I feel we both have anxious and avoidant tendencies. thanks !
This backfired on me big time. I asked for 30 days no contact, and he broke up with me. He said "if you don't want to talk to me for 30 days, we're already over". And he hasn't contacted me since.
I would just say something like, "I respect your decision. It's not what I want, I think we have something special and worth fighting for. Let me know if you change your mind." Then go directly into no contact.
It can be helpful to do this! I'd recommend it just to simply acknowledge their breakup text. Even though it's a text, not everyone gets a breakup text at all and it's still far better than being ghosted by them so it's worth acknowledging. I'd also include some details about respecting their need for space during this time, and that you'll have to limit interaction and contact with each other moving forward. Might also want to give them a heads up that you may need to mute/remove them from social media if you follow each other. Not all breakups have to be toxic or abusive, sometimes it can be direct and clear on what each person can expect next. May not hurt to leave a little detail about how you're still open to communicate should they decide they want to catch up for whatever reason, just to set the tone for friendly future interactions if you're both ending on friendly/amicable terms. Wish you luck!
Wait, so Ive been in a relationship that was between 2 and 3 months, it moved very fast and was very intense, then suddenly she said it wasnt enough. I went straight to no contact. She smokes weed on a daily basis, so I think shes good at soothing herself. Also, Ive seen her on a dating app a few weeks ago. Its been 15 weeks now. What are the chances in my case? Just curious, bc Im almost over it and am seeing someone else now.
Thanks. Im pretty much over it. Doing my own thing, not constantly thinking abou her anymore. Things are going well with my current date. But Im very cautious. Dont want to go through that again, taking it slow now.
it’s truly sick. Twisted. Then they aren’t capable of having a relationship then because relationships require 'emotional intimacy, emotional connection, emotional vulnerability’ to exist at all. It’s a true wonder why they try to have a relationship at all when they’re consummately averse to what a relationship even is. Malfunctioning people at its best.
Hey Charlie, im in no contact since 8 weeks, but 2 weeks ago my avoidant ex started to seeing my tiktok, which im growing, but then he stopped following me. What does it mean? Is this part of any fase of the no contact like curiosity and then running again?
It certainly could be but personally I wouldn't recommend looking into it too much (you might drive yourself crazy like I did in the past haha). Anything less than direct outreach and clarification from them isn't worth speculating over. I will say though, the fact he's unfollowed you could be an attempt to move on, as remaining connected on social media might be too hard for them (emotionally speaking). Especially if they lack certain impulse control, it could be an attempt to remove possible triggers
@@healingwithcharlieafter one month of break and no contact my ex reached out to me on WhatsApp, that "hi , I hope you're fabulously well" after 3hrs hours I replied "hi, am doing well." Then he said lovely, I didn't reply again, it's now a week, I don't know what was his intention did he just want to check on me or something else?
What if you stayed friends for months after the break up because you were their main friend and they really missed having you in there life. It was like it became a situationship, no sex, just cuddling and sharing a bed. Then after a good few months, you’re the one that told them you felt the situationship didn’t feel good as they were telling you there was no reason for the break up, it was just not the right time but they were secretly pursuing other guys. So you pushed them away and they were very angry and hurt by that. Will they ever get over that? Even though you were the most important and significant person in their life?
That's a unique situation for sure. It's difficult to say but chances are time will help them move on. Does that mean they'll forget about you? Doubtful. In the end, I think you made the right decision to prioritize your needs, rather than prolonging your pain by remaining in a situationship as they were persuing other people. It may take them some time to break no contact if they do, due to the delayed nature of the break up, but also dependent on how quickly they process their anger and pain from you pushing them away and whether or not they're dating someone else at the time. All of this can delay emotional processing and how soon they'll reach out
@@healingwithcharlie does age difference play a part and make a difference? It was his first relationship, really started to open up, but said his parents wouldn’t understand our 20 year age gap let alone accept his sexuality.
About 2 months into no contact, Probably a little less. Unfortunately I don't think she is coming back. She dumped my ass because of differences in religion and family from both our sides. And family and religious being important to both of us. But for me she was the most important. But I guess for her, those two things trump's me
Can these principles work with a friend with benefits I betrayed my female friend we've been friends for four years talked on the phone every single day there was a tug-of-war between us. She feels as though I'll betrayed her and I did by making a fake page contacting her new boyfriend I deeply miss her I deeply apologize. She blocked me on all social media and allmedia sites we've had sex a couple of times but I was never nothing more just a friend is there a way I can get her back into my life
My avoidant best friend has a hard time admitting how much he cares about me so - First time it took him 4 years to reach out.... second time 6 months .. last time i saw him and said bye i said "ok, talk to you in 5 years".. meaning he will contact me then... It has been 2,5 years now i think .. i trully wonder if he will ever contact ne again at this point its sad to say but i want him to reach out just so i "win" the game of him admitting that he misses me coz he never contacts anyone but always comes back... .. he is a joke.. years?? What a waste of life and time 😮😮😮🤷
Hey Charlie, I suspect there’s a good chance there’s a lot of love and connection, compatibility etc. and feeling there with my now ex who’s a DA. Started No Contact recently, I get breadcrumb signs still - my question is: since DA’s typically don’t reach out on their own, when is a good time or signs to look for that it’s time for me to break no contact and reach out? Also, any tips of where to start the conversation since allowing there to be positive connection initially before having the serious talk? Ps for everyone else, yeah I’m already doing my thing and working on getting to the next personal stages past distress. I’ll move on when I know it’s truly time.
Might I add a few details to illuminate my situation; I’ve known her 17 years, we got together romantically about 3 1/2 months ago. Hit it off QUICK, extreme compatibility, attraction, views/goals/interests, etc. a lot of love shared and we moved very fast, but naturally. We began talking about potential marriage soon, for reasons I won’t get into, but we became an extreme part of each others lives and completely involved. I know this is unusual for avoidants, which is why I point it out. (I’ll delete these comments later, haha). Problems arose more recently, maybe a month ago when she began taking a temp job out of state and would start visiting. The problems we faced were more so and I can boil down to triggers regarding our attachment styles; which comes to communication despite our communication otherwise being fantastic. (I’m an anxious, go figure) I add all this to paint the picture so you can possibly answer the initial question of when to reach out on my own a bit more accurate. Thanks a ton.
This would depend on your partcular ex, and the set of behaviours they had in the relationship. Determining if they're avoidant can be open to interpretation whereas someone to be deemed a narcissist must be diagnosed by psychiatrist or psychologist. Until they seek an assessment for NPD, you're only left to assume based on any narcissistic behaviours but keep in mind, narcissistic behaviours are inherently human behaviours we all possess. What qualifies someone for NPD is the pervasive nature of their narcissistic traits in their broader life, not just within romantic relationships
