You need to actually think about it yourself instead of getting told what to do by a youtube short. You know for a fact that no one likes getting asked how are you today and you know no one likes to be made to explain themselves so why can't you put two and two together to understand that the solution to this problem is literally what you would already be doing with good friends?
My best friend finally stopped asking-she knew I would say no-and started just showing up with coffee and food. She knew I wouldn’t eat anything otherwise. It really helped.
@sebaschan-uwu I like being asked how I'm doing when I'm doing really well. It gives me an excuse to talk about what's making me happy. Sometimes you have to ask how someone is doing and then read between the lines too. If my friend says she's fine several hours after I originally texted, and I know for fact that she's just sitting at home, then you best bet I'm gonna be sending her cat pics and memes. If I ask to come over, and she says that's ok but she doesn't want to bother me, I immediately head over with a bag of mcdonald's and just hang out for an hour. Some people haven't experienced depression so they don't know how to help and it's not like they can ask. Most people think how can I fix this/I don't know how to fix this, instead of what can I do to comfort them while they get through this. Depression has never been known for being intuitive or easy to deal with.
I’ve made it a point to not lie anymore. Which doesn’t help when people ask me how I am and I’m suffering from clinical depression. Most people don’t ask me anymore, and as lonely as it is, at least I don’t have to lie.
@@theradiantdehd3997always have integrity never lie, when someone knows the truth you will know wither they will choose to stick with you❤️don't give up , think about what you love to do what you like, think about your heart's desire, stay away from lust porn any sin that will make someone feel bad and empty, keep going keep pushing don't lie and don't feel like you have to lie to keep others happy or not worried tell the truth always, if you have no one with Ahayah Almighty you have everything you need, cars money wife house riches? he blesses people with but that shouldn't be first place in your heart have him in your heart first he wants your heart don't let anything or anyone stop you from accepting him you don't got to get clean to go to him he will clean you and make you new ❤️all these cars and stuff people need but ask for wisdom and to get better understanding and to get knowledge and to do that is to go in the Bible and get better understanding that way when you do get cars and riches you will know exactly what to do with it with your wisdom and knowledge, love everyone show kindness let Ahayah change you for the better he knows he got scattered sheep's he wants you close to him meditate in prayer prayer is communication, how you start your morning will affect your day, start every morning by thanking Ahayah for life and the plans he already planned for you and to guide you to the path of righteousness. I love you but Ahayah loves you more blessings and healings and lovings to you and your family in Ahayah name ❤
BINGO!! That's me 100%! No, I'm not fine. I'm NEVER fine, and you know this, so why even bother asking me how I'm feeling/doing? OF COURSE I'M GOING TO LIE!!! I already feel like a worthless burden, a drain on everyone around me, so I'm going to lie, put on that fake smile that I've perfected over all these years, and say that I'm doing well and everything is ok so as not to burden anyone further, make anyone worry about me more than they already do, or just bring anyone/the mood down in general.
Exactly. It takes more energy to explain, and you have to figure out what to say without having it cause issues. We don't want more issues, we want peace!
Well, it starts with a "can i come over" and I'm like *NOPE* because my apartment is a mess when I feel depressed. Then, that one time, you have the courage and the *trust* to let them in, only to hear "Whoah, HOW BAD does it look like in here?? Do you ever clean up? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH STUFF?" Someone who shames me and makes me feel even more uncomfortable in my own home than I already do can leave again and close the door behind them.
I feel like since I’m still really young, I just wish I had friends or family who would do this before I go back into isolation again. This explains me perfectly!
Philippians 4:4-7 ESV Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. [5] Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; [6] do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. [7] And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ❤✝️
@@happy9110So we should all just stay alone and isolated and depressed rather than care for the people we love because we can throw money at the therapists to do it instead?
What I love is as you were explaining the first part, I was thinking in my mind, "Just call them and tell them that you really want some company today. Tell them you want yo order some pizza and watch a movie." Depressed people will feel so comforted knowing youre CHOOSING them to spend time with.
I particularly like how he mentioned "You have that fireplace. I don't have a fireplace," as if the depressed friend would be doing him a bit of a favor by allowing him to use it. We don't want our friends to pity us, and we always feel like we're a burden. Subtly conveying the idea that the depressed friend would actually be helping him out is genius.
I don't know how to respond to this, it is a lot lot of work for the healthy friend. Also, the depressed friend might fix themselves. I don' t know how to accept help, what do you need back, can I give back even?
What I really like is when someone is texting or calling and we can just talk about a topic, any topic but not my depression. Politics, music, weather, movies, hobbies, whatever! It distracts me, makes me feel not quite so hollow because I can think and converse, and feel connection instead of loneliness.
This is my favorite advice. And then if the responses are “off” or concerning, you can ask questions about how they are doing. It is a social check if they are having a better day, and it can be a safety check if they are having a difficult day ❤
and isn't that just a little bit healing? For me, it helps me realize that my whole entire world isn't depression! Because some of my depression is from living alone being alone too much.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
This like almost rendered me to tears because all through my depression, I would’ve appreciated this… so much. Instead I lived out the last several years alone having to explain myself and make decisions I didn’t want to make
Wow! This is the real advice I’ve been looking for! When I lost my infant daughter, so many people wanted to fix me. So few wanted to actually be with me. I didn’t need to be fixed, I just needed to know I was still worth being on this earth.
I am so sorry for your loss. 😢 Being a mother I know this is the worst challenge one could face and I empathize with you so deeply. Know that if this happened, there is a spiritual reason for it, your pain will not be in vain. In time you will find a reason to go on living. Maybe you will have a mission to help others who go through the same thing? You will find strength in you, and eventually, acceptance, but take as long as you need to get there. Don't pressure yourself, feel your pain, be compassionate and patient with yourself. You will be in my prayers and if you need someone to talk, I am here. ❤
@@solus8685You cannot in good faith support their coping mechanisms if it is bad. If they are harming themselves, showing support of that is not a good thing.
One of my favorite memories from one of the darkest times in my life: My friend wanted to hang out and go shopping. I slept through my alarms and wasn't awake when he showed up. He broke into my house (wasn't that hard lol) and woke me up with a coffee he brought me. He was patient with me as I got ready and we went out. I felt so awful about sleeping in (going to bed at 'normal times' is one of my biggest struggles) and he cringes about breaking in but I treasure that day. Being out in his car on a sunny day, going thrift shopping, with a coffee that I only have because of his determination to hang out. I was in such a dark spot and needed that light and connection so badly. Not recommending breaking into your friend's homes, but make sure they know you treasure their presence 💖
Oh mannn that sounds so sweet though, I get it. Like, obviously I'd have to already be close to this person, and I'd be worried about just how easy it was for someone to break in... but a huge thing that I (and I think a lot of depressed and mentally ill folks) deal with is feeling like my friends don't actually like me that much, which makes it extra hard for me to initiate hang outs. Knowing that one of my friends was so determined to hang out with me they BROKE INTO MY HOME would also be a highlight of that friendship for me and make me more comfortable in that friendship. Which is bizarre to admit. But yeah, probably best to show that sort of love in less potentially invasive ways LMAO
Yes. You don't address a depressed person with a load of questions, demands or recipes. You help by showing up, just connecting and running things on your own battery. Very well explained and great examples.
Running things on your own battery? For a little while, if your own battery happens to be fully charged just when you need it to be? Sure. Longterm? Running two people on your one battery, accepting a relationship where one person overtly demands that only one person be responsible for making connection happen, in a way that requires nothing from the other? It's an excellent way to make yourself depressed. You know what you get when 48% of young Americans report symptoms of depression or anxiety, *and* people believe that when depressed, they can check out of their relationships and ask their friends to run the relationship solo [48% of whom, statistically speaking, do not have a fully charged battery going into this]? A loneliness epidemic. Pour into the people who pour into you. Don't accept a one-way street relationship as anything but a stopgap, and only if the other person shows awareness that you're indeed a person with her own needs - not their emotional support squirrel.
@@br3669 Well, depressed people don't demand this effort from others; they usually demand nothing. What we're talking about here, is how to better help if you already want to, if you're feeling you want to give it a go. Of course, you're not expected to continuously overtake for his lack of effort. These are just examples of short interventions that work, as opposed to things that don't. It's a way to give a little back if you have the time and energy, because you care enough for that person or just because you know that we are all sort of connected, giving, taking, and sharing according to our possibilities and needs in different stages of our lives. Of course you are not to deplete your batteries trying to save another. These are things you do when you feel your vitality can uplift a friend, to give him a taste of how worthwhile life can be. As in the examples the video gave. You don't adopt him or his problems, but you are just ready to run on your own battery for a little while, just to entice him into action and awaken his appetite again, at least for a few hours. It might shake him up positively.
This is a much better idea than anything I've ever been told. Also, if tou go over to your friend's house, please make sure to leave it as you found it, or even better than you found it. Wash your cup. Throw the trash you made in the trash can. Fold your blanket you used. Put things back where you found it. One reason your anxious and depressed friends don't want company is because people keep messing up their house and they end up playing host when they were already exhausted. They don't recover from the messes you leave behind for days if they're lucky, weeks if they aren't coping at all.
Yes when u have chronic health issues .. n depression.. why would they think that you going to wash all they used from the kitchen.. or pick up all the toys the kids played with. 😮 then look at u as if you mad to mention tidy after selves.. not a clue rolling in their 40 year old heads.
Indeed! When I was an exhausted family carer, my extended family came over and expected me to serve them. It would have been so nice if they'd offered to help rather than be 'visitors"
From someone who has experienced depression, this is GREAT advice. From someone who has tried to love friends through depression… I want to impress on you that not all people with depression want to help themselves. They are allowed to say no, they are allowed to wallow. You do not have any obligation to burn yourself out trying to fix someone you love who does not have the desire to help themselves. Offer the help, but don’t over-extend yourself for someone who doesn’t care.
This is a great point. I will say to your last few sentences, it’s not necessarily that the person doesn’t have a desire to help themselves or doesn’t care. As someone who has dealt with severe clinical depression for over 15 years, it has nothing to do with a lack of desire or care to feel better. I’d give anything to not feel this way. But it isn’t my friends and family’s duty to try to fix what I’m fighting. It’s a disease just like any other, and not everything can be wished away by a desire to make it so. You as a support person can love in the capacity you are able to and that will be more than enough for the person going through it to know someone cares. Just thought I’d share my two cents on that aspect. ❤
The fact you consider depression "wallowing" is interestingly enough reason for me to believe you're not very supportive and judgmental and they know this about you.
@@nayjavu I feel like this goes a bit deeper. As someone that has had fairly strong depression their entire lives.. sometimes wallowing is accurate. There is safety in not trying. When life weighs you down so often, the worst part of your life starts to feel like home. A toxic, destructive and incredibly bad home for yourself - but home nontheless. Sometimes stepping into that home, seeking comfort knowing that it will not get worse than this worst point of your life is just that.. I consider those moments to be wallowing, because I go into it knowing it's not the best, knowing its bad for me and others, - it's just egoistical relief.
@@エリーゼリー that is so on point. I've had depression since I was 9 (my depression ten year anniversary is coming up, yay! Lol) and to me, wallowing is when I simply choose to give up. Not in life in general and off myself, I can't do that and even when I get that low, I remind I myself I promised to my best friend not to do it, to my parents, because I know they care, even if they don't show me the support I need. I just... Let myself rot away in my bed because I don't have the strength to keep fighting life to be happy. I let myself hit the bottom, have a rest and pity myself before gathering some strength from heaven knows where to keep going
I don’t like people trying to force me to talk about my feelings during a depressive episode, but honestly i really prefer my friends to ask “how are you” at least once. even though i am not well, it reminds me that there are people out there who care
Same, I'd wish someone would ask me that during my lows, but I'm always the one that asks more, and it's like as a result no one notices when I'm spiraling and when I try to say something it's like they don't take it seriously
Maybe it's different in male and female friendships, but I don't even ask my friends what's wrong because when something is wrong with me I hate when I have to explain to someone who asked especially when it's likely they asked just to be polite. So I assume they wouldn't want me to ask that either. Instead I try to let the conversation go however they want and if they wanna talk about feelings I listen and be supportive and shit
@@sebaschan-uwu stuff like that is also why harm numbers for guys is up though...even if you're not into it it's good to let your guy friends know you have them
“How are you?” is more powerful than most people realize. I make it a point for it to be the first thing I say on a phone call. It always seems to a more open meaningful interconnected discussion; and I cherish those interactions and try to cultivate them as best I can.
i think its important to ask how someone is doing, but it has to come from a place of genuine concern and they have to be okay with an answer like "bad. very bad" without further explanation, for several days in a row. and still offer their depressed friend some way to connect thats low effort for them.
Man, I wish my parents heard this advice. It would’ve really helped me get over some tough times. There was a whole summer where I did nothing but sleep. I’d sleep all day, wake up and eat dinner, and then go back to sleep. My parents noticed and they sat me down at the dining room table, with my siblings in the other room. They asked me what was wrong, and I didn’t know what to say. I was lethargic and irritable, but I didn’t really have a reason for it, I just was. So after a few minutes of interrogation and a couple of “idk’s”, they gave me an ultimatum: either I told them what was going on or they’d beat it out of me (they were big believers in corporal punishment, so getting spanked or slapped was normal whenever we were being punished). I remember just sobbing there, unable to put my feelings into words. The put my anxiety *through the roof,* and the only thing it did was make me even more afraid to speak. And even after all that, I still ended up saying not a word about how I was feeling that night. Long story short, this is what I needed in that moment. A movie, a hug, a cookie… not a damn threat. This was just an extreme example, but you shouldn’t try to force the feelings out of someone. This is the best advice I’ve heard ever to help someone struggling with mental illness. Thank you for letting me rant.
It’s all fine now. I’m doing really well, I just had that one season where I felt out of it. It’s not really a core memory of mine until I’m reminded about it
I’m doing well, thank you for asking. My mental health has yet to take a decline and it’s been about two years. I appreciate the people willing to hear me out though, even if it just looks like a rant or vent comment.
As someone who's been chronically depressed for a very long time--one thing i actually love is just... getting kidnapped. I've had friends who'd just be like hey I'm coming over to steal u cause I'm going to [the mall, ren fest, etc] and want ur company. Not too often and like, don't rush them and be willing to take a no--but honestly it's so nice to just get out of the house and have fun. But also yeah i love just...a casual hangout!!! And I'm so grateful ppl care about me!!! But bro i do Not wanna talk about my feelings, all I've been thinking about is my feelings let's talk about something else 😂😂 ❤❤❤❤❤
I think that’s a wonderful advice because a person who is depressed can’t handle any more pressure. Just holding space being there watching TV together anything. Bringing dinner but certainly no pressure no huge big words of advice because they’re not in the space that they can hear it. It only makes them feel worse about themselves. They already know they’re depressed.
I thought I knew what depression was because of my abusive childhood. But now I am realizing that was nothing compared to how I feel as a lonely miserable grieving adult. I actually voluntarily went to a psych ward just because I know that idiot shrinks dole out drugs there like candy and you can safely and cheaply have a means of committing suicide by the time you leave and the facilities are generally so horrific you will be more than ready to too
My mom had depression and I made these mistakes waaay to many times. But I honestly didn’t know what could I do. This is a great explanation!! Thank you! Seriously!
This video is from the perspectives of someone who should and can be helping. When you start looking after other people you might have to do this, but not to your mom. (Sorry to push my “shoulds”) I hope you are both better now🙏
I don't know if my mom ever was or is in depression(probably was idk I was too young) but I always liked to just sit with her in the kitchen when she's cooking or doing the dishes and tell her whatever my curiosities, dreams, thoughts were or just anything amazing that I recently learned and I really felt that sometimes those were/are the things she enjoyed the most. (Sorry for my grammar mistakes, if I made some😅)
It's just that people seem to force themselves upon me, these days. I don't have to spend time with anyone. I choose who I spend my spare time with. We can choose our friends. 😊
As someone with MDD (major depressive disorder), this is incredible advice. Also, even if you can’t physically go to the person, just letting them know that you’re thinking of them and hoping things get better for them means a ton.
This!! I try to send a little message to my online friends whenever I am randomly reminded of how much I appreciate them and care for them, instead of just letting it stay inside my head. It makes me happy to share, and makes them happy to get 🫶
Great comment! I have been diagnosed for many years with anxiety and depression and MDD!! I just watched a video from Carnivore Quest that "Carnivore cures depression!" and I could really relate to that!! I'm 72 and went keto then carnivore over 2 years ago, and my anxiety and depression are gone, and my chronic pain I have lived with for over 25 years with fibromyalgia is now minimal!! I love the mental clarity I have now!! I encourage you to check out the carnivore way of eating!! A close friend of mine is a Navy veteran and she has suffered with PTSD for many years, and nothing has helped her, not even shock therapy. When I texted her on Veteran's Day, she told me that she had also gone carnivore and that was the only thing that has helped her PTSD!! She has lost weight and says she is feeling so much better!! What do you have to lose by giving it a try!! I'm thankful that I did!! God bless you!! Don't give up hope!! ❤❤
It's just a simple kindness in a simple action. Depressed people almost always isolate because we just don't want to bother anyone OR have to explain anything. Baking cookies or muffins for an hour, going out for a quiet walk would change everything for an hour or day for seriously depressed people. These days though, reality is that no one has any time they're willing to give. Lots of time for RU-vid, FB, though. 😢
I think even with healthy activities like exercise and hobbies there are still various reasons for depression. For me no matter how much I do the healthy activities and get that life giving Sunshine and those wonderful endorphins, I just want my grandparents back. And I just want to love a man and be loved by one like they were toward each other. They were the only romantic marriage I ever saw or knew. They remind me of God though and that God is a romantic at heart. He loved Humanity sooo much He came to earth as a human man and died for me and everyone. Jesus is really the only dude I'd follow anywhere. But I think it's because I feel like He gets what it's like to experience the muck and mire of human misery but also know that God is always faithful. The God I believe in was there all those times I was alone. He saw every tear and He heard me and cared when no one else did. Ironically this post while it may not make much sense to anyone else was clearly helpful to me. I feel like it reminds me of the good stuff--my belief in my Jesus and what He can do. I know I am a sinner. Proudly so. We all are sinners lol. I am so thankful that God's love is not conditional or easily lost like human love. His love is the only thing I know is true ❤❤❤
This kinda started as one of the blanket statement videos that make me annoyed, but then it turned into a well articulated and backed up concept that is genuinely helpful. That made me smile.
Great advice, I had a friend do this for me when I was struggling, she used to just come over, cook me something to eat, wash the dishes and just basically be there for me. She’s still my best friend 20 years later ❤
I have chronic fatigue and pain, and I think this is great advice too! I’d love someone to come over and cook me dinner, or hang out with me when I’m too tired to go anywhere, not even my family would do that and they all live locally. Sadly most of my friends live all over the place and I don’t have many local friends. I have all the time in the world, but not the energy, and I find it really sad that certain people don’t have the time for me.
@@willowtree6487oh how I can relate to you! I'm 72 and was disabled at 50 with chronic pain from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, anxiety and depression, and MDD. Also have spinal issues and have had 5 spinal fusions that cause pain! Over 2 years ago I went keto then carnivore, and my biggest fear was that I would not have the energy, or the pain would be too bad, for me to cook meat and eggs. But I felt like I had to give it a try! So thankful I did!! Anxiety, depression, and MDD are gone, my pain is minimal, I am no longer type 2 diabetic, finally at my normal weight, and I am finally ENJOYING life again!! Please check out the carnivore way of eating!! It gave me my life back!! God bless you!! ❤🙏
my last therapist called this "holding space" and it made me realize I've always been doing this for others without ever getting it back.... I wish someone would hold space for me one day.
Yep that's my experience too. I know a lot of it is because my social circle was limited and controlled growing up so I'm lonely and poorly socialized, but it still hurts
Totally true. I know one guy who is depressed (at least I have the feeling that he is). And I see how hard it is for him to say how he feels, he gets angry, he always says everything is perfect, he just doesn't want to speak. When I just show him I am there for him, without any questions ir pressure, he reacts in absolutely different way. So you are right. Depressed people don't need any questions, any advice. They need connection, presence. And the weirdest thing is that they never tell it. They seem to be avoidant until you just show them everything is okay, you don't expect any explanation.
As a chronically depressed person, here's a couple of the reasons behind never saying what we actually need: The only thing worse than not getting what you need is asking for what you need and still not getting it. There is the also the worry that someone will only give you what you need out of obligation because you asked, and that it is an imposition. Depressed people are often very sensitive to rejection, whether it is real or only perceived.
appreciating the fact that im not the only one having this sort of reaction watching this. hope you have a good day with nothing specific dragging you down
@@jaredf6205What do you mean ? You don’t like your friends enough to take some time for them and try to help them to feel a little better ? Or do you mean something else that I missed ?
I get that many depressed people don't appreciate just a check up text but I do. It makes me feel better to know my loved ones care about how I am feeling even if it's in passing. Also can give me a chance to vent. Coming over directly and pulling me out of bed is definitely best, but I also appreciate a quick digital check up even if it doesn't hit the same.
Same. I appreciate a friend who takes the time to ask “How are you?” and really mean it, even if they already know the answer. It means that even if I answer “Still awful” every single time they ask, they aren’t sick of hearing it. It tells me my depression isn’t a burden to them, and they really care about my inner world.
A depressed person can rarely articulate this type of information. Friends and family will often feel frustration, anger and rejection because of it. I am so grateful for you and this simple yet powerful message. 😔
This is so true. I don’t want to be asked about how I feel, I don’t want to have to lie and say I’m doing well. And on the slight chance I do say I feel depressed, I certainly don’t want to be asked why or how they can make me feel better. Short answer, you can’t make me feel better. There’s no shortcut to being happy for me. I don’t want to go out places. I want to be at home. I of course appreciate when people visit me, but I don’t like leaving my home unless necessary.
This video is the best way to Explain how our Lord Jesus works in your life for better, that addiction, that constant rage over eveything, or simply the lack of desire to live can go all away with you just accepting that movie night invite, only that, he invites you to read the bible, to listen to what he has to say about you and figure out that youre really special as a human being and as a child of God, to experience true Joy and everlasting happiness is to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Saviour and accept his invite, even if you dont believe in God, just try, and if youre not convinced then you can just go back to being how you were before, but i really urge you to consider this invite to focus on Jesus and him alone, Stay blessed sister and brothers❤❤❤❤❤ He is coming soon and he want to take you home which is heaven, tomorrow is not promised so lets make every second count❤
Absolutely. I simply text them "I hope you're feeling a little better today ❤" - which I never expect a reply from bc I know how hard it can be, but I just want them to know that I am thinking about them.
yep. i hate it when people ask how i am because i either have to lie and say "fine", or i feel like i'm just being a downer all the time. i have to explain why i'm 'not fine' and i don't know why i always have to explain or justify. Isn't "life suffering" Lol. Most people take it as the default that one should feel 'fine'... but if you don't feel fine, then it's like oh, what happened? But sometimes, nothing's really happened per se... i just don't necessarily feel great most of the time. :| so... i don't know how to answer this question. hahahah yikes. :/ I guess i try to just say "same"? Most of the time I know they aren't asking for a real answer...
In general i find it really annoying when people can't just empathize with your struggles but always have to find a solution to everything. That feeling must be three doubled when you're depressed
Unless you’re like me and just want to be left alone. Always being around people is mentally exhausting but a lot of society doesn’t understand how anyone can be happy not talking and in solitude.
I didn't know they were mutually exclusive. I spend half of every year depressed and the last thing I need is the burden of somebody trying to spend time together. I'm good with showing care and making sure I know they're there for me if I felt like it, but spending time together with somebody drains me even more. Just because somebody else doesn't experience things like you do, it doesn't mean they don't know what they're talking about or that they're wrong.
@@aitzepeYes. I completely agree. What's with the "Oh. You must be feeling so lonely" talk? 😄 If I was feeling lonely, well I have friends phone numbers who I can phone. I can cope okay, though, even if I do spend time with myself. I'm out all day, at times, so once I go back to my flat, I like my own space, to rest and recuperate, to get my physical energy back. It isn't a big ask. People don't respect their other friend's needs for time and space, which makes the friendships feel mentally draining . It takes a lot for me, to want to talk, sometimes, but if anyone takes offence to that, then wow. I can only do so much in a day.
@@Humanoidfrenzzy depression is a disorder, not an emotion. You can be happy that you're alone while still being severely depressed. That wasn't a contradiction.
No...depression sufferer here, . We habe decision paralysis and when I say NO energy I mean it. Then when I cant answer that question from fatigue and paralysis, its compounded with shame. Know what they like, send out the idea and plan that has low pressure and just do it.
When I'm depressed because I don't have a romantic partner though, saying "what do you need" doesn't really make sense lmao. There are some situations where nothing can be done for somebody.
I finally understand that this is how my cousin helps me when I feel sick, anxious, or depressed. When I feel like shit she doesn’t try to fix me, she just says, hey wanna hang out, watch a movie with me, bake something? Instantly love her presence. Makes it even sadder that she’s moving to Alabama soon (we live in NJ) because her husband is doing residency there.
It's sad, so consider this a text from someone who understands. I much prefer a phone call, and I've tried to tell some of my friends this. It's fallen on deaf ears. They are happy and don't want to be interrupted in this. I have one friend locally that needs me and will be concerned. Another that is long distance and if I'm not calling enough or he knows I'm getting worse, he will just send comforting texts from work than I can wake up to. Mostly I'm ignored from family and other old friends and that's really haunting me and making it all the harder. They know, but just figure I'll get through it on my own, even though this is the longest one I've ever had. My mom thinks I can just snap out of it if I choose to.
@@saintejeannedarc9460Wow I really feel everything you just wrote… I’ve been feeling depressed this past year and it’s mainly because I’m realizing that my very close friends didn’t think we were that close. Hence why they’re not answering my texts or calls. 😢
Ask your depressed friend to do something productively together. Wanna catch a movie? Wanna play a game? If they say no respect they want to be alone, but the depressed friend really just wants someone to show they care, not someone who pretends to care. They don’t want to burden you with their problems because they’re already burdening themselves.
The thing is, that’s not true for everybody. When I was depressed, nobody would ask me how I was doing, and I wished they did. It’s different from one person to another! … Many people are actually scared of asking their depressed friend how they are doing because they don’t know what their reaction will be. So, my advice for you is that you should ask YOUR friend for advice! Ask them what you can do to help: do they want to talk about their feelings, do they want you to come over and give them a hug, do they want to just chill and watch a movie with you… Just show them you are open to whichever answer they may give you, so that they will be less worried about telling you when they aren’t doing well. 💕
Yeah depending on where I'm at with my depression, that changes what I need from people. The most valuable thing to me is consistency, because right now I can't be that for myself.
I think you're right. But for more deeply depressed people, and if those attempts at asking don't work, it may be necessary for the friend to make proactive yet low-pressure decisions in order to connect. Saying "Can I come over?" and making it for your own reasons and not because you are ""helping" them, can really take that guilt and pressure off. But I agree with you, I often really do just want somebody to ask how I'm doing.
@@BlinkinFirefly Yeah, I agree with you 100%! It really does just depend on the situation. In those cases, it can be super helpful and make us feel less like we are a burden to the other :’)…
Asking a depressed person what you should do is like pulling teeth at least in my experience. They don’t really know what they want so they definitely wouldn’t know what to tell me and if they did i don’t think they would because ,at least in my friend group, we all try to act stronger than we are. We’ve always helped each other through that by just inviting each other on late night drives or late night music sessions where we would just jam or vibe to music and it was strange because after a hour or so everything would just pour out as though we all knew our feelings and thoughts wouldn’t leave the car or the room. So I agree heavily with the video. Sometimes just having someone existing leads to enough comfort to share those dark thoughts we keep trapped in our heads.
I disagree with this. As someone who has BPD and CPTSD, and often experiences extreme highs and lows, you also have to understand that many people don't know how to have tough conversations, or they don't want to intrude or make things worse. I appreciate every message i get from my friends and family, even if it's the ones that simply says "How are you doing" Quite often I'll reply saying "I'm still feeling like shit, but thanks for checking in"
I've had depression since I was 8. The power of it kind of comes and goes. When I have an episode when it's really bad, my friends understand. They're just there and it helps me feel better rather than them trying to help me
"Don't" is a strong word. Asking how someone is could open up a whole nother dimension to a person. It takes a bit of learning and time to understand how someone would want to be approached, and it's unique for every person. Personally, if someone all of a sudden made some random plan that involved me I'd be stressed out! But that works for some people! I hope whoever is going through some hard times finds what gets them going in life ❤️
Just be glad someone cares about you and is taking an interest. When I was younger, I suffered years of suicidal depression and was on many meds and hospitalized multiple times. This was before texting existed, but if it did exist at the time it would have been nice to have people ask how I was.
I'm glad to hear you say this. Thank you. Friendship is a two-way street, and people need to understand that asking how someone is means that someone is investing energy into your relationship. Most people aren't fully charged at 100% when they reply they're "fine", which is probably why no one expects people to say, "I'm great." By definition, "fine" means getting by. It's a minimum. If you're just surviving, you're fine. It won't destroy your conscience to say it because it's not a lie. Getting by at a baseline is unique to people's specific circumstances. Friends who know you know what you mean. They understand your baseline.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a friend is simply be there and allow them to not be okay. Don't make them feel like they need to be anything. Let them mourn, and let them process their feelings. You allowing them to do that is validating for them.
Seriously! No one ever texts me! And my closest friends all live in other states, so they can't just *drop by*, and I can't just *go over* and make them s'mores...
. The thing is not being ungrateful someone cares. It's that sometimes when folks are deep in depression, the last thing they're going to do is reply what they're actually thinking. They're going to say they're fine and that's the end. Barker is saying if you suspect they're struggling and reach out in a specific way to just exist in the same physical space as them, you are much more likely to really connect meaningfully and help them through their depression. A lot of people have gotten so good at putting a face on that they habitually deflect and don't even consider sharing how they really feel. A lot of times it is because the depressed person doesn't want to be a burden to anyone by dumping their problems on them. But when spending time together is framed as a favor to the friend, the depressed person often will gladly accept the offer/ask because they will move themselves to do for others what they can't be motivated to do for themselves. It just makes me really sad to see people watch a clip like this and have the takeaway be that someone is being ungrateful for a text when the reality is that the person may be so glad to know someone cared to ask but still not be able to really connect in the way they need to. The video is offering how you can really reach your depressed friend if they aren't ready to be real yet. Sometimes they haven't even gotten real with themselves.
Hehe, this is so real. Every time my depression gets so bad that i can't fully mask it, my roommate just asks me if I want to watch something (in like, the softest voice ever like he's talking to a wounded animal). I burst into tears every time, and he doesn't comment on it or anything. He just sits down and waits for me to pick something. It just makes me feel so comforted and loved. I don't normally like feeling seen because i just feel so vulnerable and exposed, but there's something so nice about relaxing and letting down my guard enough to just stop pretending for a little while.
WOW! THIS IS REAL. Well done! Got emotional just thinking about this. Spending time with someone, without requiring anything from them, is brilliant!!! Putting the burden on yourself, instead of the person who’s troubled… Absolutely brilliant!
This is so good. Thank you. I lost everyone when I got seriously ill. They kept claiming they truly wanted to help me. All I had to do was tell them exactly what to do, not ask for things that were too big because they were busy but also not too small because those didn't seem important enough to remember, be easy to reach online, remind them I existed but not in a needy way, and understand they had busy (very regular) lives so they might not actually do anything and also forget I existed. When I tried to explain how all of this made me feel, they replied they were done defending themselves. I never asked them to defend themselves. I asked them to be in my life. To allow me to be in their lives. Apparently, that was too much to ask.
Thank you for saying this, very true. The things that always helped me most when I was down wasn’t adamant concern because it feels invasive and makes me feel pitied, it was the willingness to just be there OR to simply ignore it until I felt like bringing it up on my own.
Accurate way to support a depressed friend. I would appreciate this on my down days instead of a bunch of options or l having to be outside with a bunch of people. Just connect the energies for recharge, a comfort movie, some good food, a good shower and support can turn around a bad day or the beginning of the slope ❤
One of the things i appreciate the most about one of my friends is that if she asks how i am doing on an off day and i just reply 'breathing', she doesn’t panic, doesn't try to get me to explain where i am at mentally, doesn't offer empty promises about things getting better. She lets me be, and that is the most supported i feel at moments like that
@@Claire-tk4do i hope it helps. it's definitely not the kind of text i would send to my parents or even some of my other friends. it's not that I'm feeling suicidal or whatever in that moment, just that i barely have the energy to think and explaining that is too much effort, so it's nice to have at least one person who gets it
@@gayathriK2661 Cool, thanks for the further context! People work many different ways so it's always helpful to understand better in order to have more successful and helpful interactions.
Just increases the guilt that is already overwhelming. Depression is feeling like you're a burden to the world. Having people say to you that you're ungrateful for having people care about you is only increasing that.
Checking in with a friend shouldn't put that friend who is checking in under pressure to feel obligated to carve out hours of their day to watch movies or make you dinner. And be truly honest here - my depressed friends do NOT want me showing up at their door. That's the whole point of checking in with them first. It's etiquette, firstly, but plans need to be scheduled, especially with these friends, because if they say they'll meet me there's at least a 50% chance they're a no-show, and if I schedule to come to them, more than half the times they're not there or not answering their door. When someone asks how you are, just say you need space or something. You don't have to say you're fine if you're not, but if you want someone to hang out with, then say THAT. It's not everybody's job to "solve" you. Participate in your friendships. And say you need space when you can't fulfill that duty to them. Yes. Your duty to others. If you want to keep your friends, then show up and be a friend back. Ask them how they're doing. Show up and make them dinner.
so basically treat them like they’re paralyzed emotionally physically and spiritually & just be present with them with no pressure to have them do anything
Yes… a rather crude way of saying it, but yes. Depression has usually already shut down a person in all those ways. It’s called being a good friend and just BEING with that person in support. Sometimes just a person who actually cares, doesn’t need to be taken care of or entertained themselves at that moment, and can just quietly BE with the depressed person, can make a bigger impact by just being present.
Yes. And my question is, how does one do that long distance? I send gifts, but not sure if the person cares one way or the other. I know the gifts have to be sanitized once they are there so I try to keep that in mind.
This is pretty spot on. I hate being a burden, and I'm super used to people not actually listening or caring when they ask how I am, that even if I think they care, it's easier to deflect. Also, the last year has really sucked, so most people don't expect me to be perfectly fine. And the ones who've helped the most are the ones who just show up, do stuff to keep me from completely isolating, and distract me. Just showing up or being there really helps more than the platitudes or asking how your depressed friend is.
One of my best friends lives across the country from me. It lights me up when he sends me youtube videos or randomly reaches out. It's good to know that someone is out there, who cares. Incidentally, he doesn't have depression or any mental disorders. But over the years, he has taken more time to learn and understand it because of his friendship with me. He's a rare one.
Tell me about it. My best friend lives about three town's away from me. Just depended which flat became available for her, a few years ago, yet I wouldn't have anyone else being my best friend. I met her when I was age eighteen.
We don't wanna be cheered up ok we're tired of literally existing- and yeah Humans are social creatures and We have developed the habit to distance ourselves when we are not okay but Really only makes it worse so Just simple interaction will help (That's 1 of the reasons Hanging out with dogs and cats and other pets make people happy)
Thanks! I've always just told my mom and sister that "you can tell me that you're not okay when i ask how you're doing," since the general "expected" response for people is "oh i'm doing good" and I don't want them to feel obligated to say that. But your advice seems even better, I appreciate it!
Nope, as someone diagnosed with major depression, if someone says this during my episodes I'd cry of guilt for not wanting them to come over because of not having the energy to be "presentable" I'd rather they just send me memes and leave me be to heal on my own. Recharge on my own.
You hit the nail right on the head. When you are going through depression trying your best to get through to the other side, you feel like you just want to keep things simple. You don't want to hear about another person's problems because you are doing all that you can to keep yourself together.
Very good point. I went through a period of wanting to unalive myself. There were some friends that could do no more than ask how I was doing, and that was okay, they’re a thousand miles away and honestly it was good to know someone cared but it would have been great just to have someone come and do something with me.
Very true. I've used DND as a means of escape. I don't n't need people to fix me. That's was my job, I've gotten to a much healthier place now. But, during the dark times, it was nice to just stop being me for a while. And focus all thar negative energy into something positive.
Exactly. I've just joined a place where people who have Asperger's go to, like I do. It's a social club disco, for everyone who has Asperger's, and it makes such a difference. They're all very lovely people, and so is the other one that I go to, once every week. We all eventually find our people.
Just show that you are a good friend. Make some actions, not just words. As a last stage depressed person i will ignore 100% of friends messages, but i think i cant send them home if someone will show up.
For yourself perhaps. I hate it. I end up just shutting down. I feel prompted to evaluate my feelings and I get overwhelmed by it all and feel like a failure. So don’t ask how I’m doing. The answer is always bad.
This might be true for you. For me, I appreciate it the first time, maybe the second, but after a while I really get that feeling of guilt saying that I’m still not doing well or feeling compelled to lie and say I’m doing fine just to dispel that. For me it gets to a point where I end up pushing people away and not answering messages because of it. If I want help, I know I have friends that I can reach out to, but those friends are the ones who don’t always ask me how I am. They’re the ones who send me things to brighten my day a little or will start ranting about a TV show we both watch out of the blue.
I have been seriously struggling with depression for the past 8 years. I agree with everything he’s saying. Perhaps not for you but personally when I’m at my worst, I won’t have energy to complete basic tasks like getting dressed or shower, much less respond to my friends. Even if they’re asking about my well being or caring about me. I love my friends so much but yes just those messages can become a burden because my guilt about being unable to reply to them in my current state makes me loathe myself. And everyday I fail to reply makes the weight heavier until I feel like I can’t breathe.
@@zoefoster6750 Have you ever thought that your friends might ask "how are you today?" because they are unsure on how to start a conversation with you in your depressed state? Have you ever told them how you feel about being asked that question?
This made me cry. A good friend of mine asked me how I am and I really didn't want to answer. I don't want to lie about how I am but I don't want to explain to her how shitty I feel. Your video is a very good advice for everyone struggling with depressed friends.
Absolutely. I simply text them "I hope you're feeling a little better today ❤" - which I never expect a reply from bc I know how hard it can be, but I just want them to know that I am thinking about them.
Well you also know they don't really want to know. So we say "fine", or "getting by". Which really doesn't scratch the surface. If we tell them we woke up dreading another day, w/ tears before we even got out of bed, then not knowing how we'll get through another endless day, they don't know what to say and either do we.
I think if she is a really good friend of yours, she will understand even if you answer her and tell her that you feel shitty. There is nothing wrong about telling about your day to a good friend, maybe she wont ask anymore questions and she will visit you with pizza and wine just to be there for you. Its also true a lot of ppl wont understand, but not bc they dont want to care about you, but bc everyone has their own struggle to fight with, and most of us are selfish little shits and we see our problems bigger. Maybe your friend also has depression, and she is the same as you telling you that she is fine. You can never know. Telling ppl that you are fine also makes you beleive that no one cares, there is no one beside you, you are alone etc. I think thats more dangerous than being a bit more open with someone you call a good friend.
@@louisajune21this This so much People take too much for granted, both in the good and the bad, sometimes with good reason too as sometimes, people really are assholes as seen in stories in these comments, but sometimes people really can be understanding of each person's needs. Just like how most people here seem to not want to talk with others when depressed there's others who want to, and just like there's people who wouldn't know what to asnwer to an "i feel like trash"* there's others who would. Seek the latter people to be your trusted friends. *Tbf as a sidenote, i feel this is mostly an american problem as while it's normal in Europe too to answer in an polite and dishonest way ("fine" even tho it's not fine), most people in europe wouldn't bat an eye if you responded seriously, yet I've seen americans, and only americans, be absolutely shocked beyond belief and claim you are "bold and honest" when you just answer that simple question with a "meh, could be better"
My friends either lure me to them with food and no expectations, or I graciously accept the “How are you today?” question. Specifically because no one would ask me that if they didn’t already know what was going on. Even if I don’t go outside or exercise or drink water like they suggest, even checking on me is helpful. Makes me feel wanted.
As the depressed friend when i was positve and had to bscly lie i felt terrible being "fake" but when i was more honest with these kinds of questions the so called "friends" at the time didn't like it and would call me too negative and behave diff towards me. We simply can't win. And that's why now I'm alone and also even more discouraged at making new friends, after a while the loneliness gets insufferable and even more depressing but it's always better to have no relationships than to have toxic ones.
This is so good. I've been there on both sides and even myself knowing how depression is, it's hard to know how best to be from the other side of things.
So true. I’m currently very depressed and I’m starting to push people away because I don’t wanna keep talking about my feelings. They haven’t changed, I don’t know when they will, it doesn’t help to keep talking about it. I don’t wanna talk, it’s hard to laugh. But when people just show up for you and don’t try to change how you feel and just meet you where you are, no explanation needed, it’s just the best.
Based on the comment section I think I might be an outlier to this specific situation. I'm severely depressed and I have anxiety and I like when my friends check up on me, I like talking to them about how it feels to feel so bad and the only time I hate answering "how are you doing" are from people like my mom who I know will feel bad abour me feeling bad and make a spectacle out of my feelings.
This is the best!! People have no idea how hard it is to have to explain and the more they inquire- the worse it gets. You need a little space and a lot of love and someone to “choose to be with you”. This advice is spot on. Well done. Brought tears to my eyes
@mhm77887 I'm not gonna stop telling people about Jesus because you don't believe in Him. I wouldn't tell you to stop sharing what helps you/what you believe in, so... if it bothers you that much, you might wanna just ignore it, cause someone else might want/need to hear it.
@@sabrinasusen7463It's okay to think of an advice. But somebody saying to me, for example, in general to believe, develop a whole new faith during depression just puts a lot of pressure. I need someone to sit with my state and feelings, without judgment. And do what this great guy in the video suggested. Not forcing strict opinions or belief on me.
You know when a person starts venting to you and you don't really have any good advice? This is like that. Sometimes, someone just wants an ear to listen. It's not always about a solution.
As someone who has experienced depression, this is not a good advice. It might be comforting for the depressed person, but it puts way too much responsibility for another human being on the side that reaches out. Depression is a bitch. It's okay to help, to reach out, to seek personal ways to connect with the person. Not everyone experiences depression the same way. Don't try to live another person's life, though.
How is any of what he said related to "living another person's life"? Sometimes, when you have a depressed friend, you have to take the initiative. If that's too much responsibility for you, then don't be friends with a depressed person. Obviously there are limits to how much you should extend yourself on another person's behalf, but being friends with someone means you will, SOMETIMES, inconvenience yourself for them. That's how interpersonal relationships work.
my favorite thing to see is just a simple “hey I love you” I love this advice so much because making responses and decisions is one of the hardest things
True!! I try to be very open about how much I love my friends (and always in the still-beginnings of friendships clarify it is platonic), and it makes me happy to share with them, and it makes them happy to hear. When my depressed online friend (who's like an older sibling to me 🥹🫶) doesn't have energy to talk, it's been nice to just still leave a little message to them whenever I have the thought of how much I appreciate them, rather than keep quiet about it.
@@sugoish9461a virtual hug requires nothing more than accepting the thought that someone cares enough to send it. Also, instead of hope you get better soon/however it's expressed, just wish them Nice Thoughts. Followed up by a hand on the shoulder or a platonic hug.
