Emotional affairs of the narcissist 

If they put this much time and energy into their own marriage or relationship it wouldn’t be in shambles. 🤬

What makes that the most difficult is that he had no to little emotional energy for me, and was neglecting our relationship, yet he had it to give to someone else. That really hurt. I thought it was because I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough or whatever.

So so so true. And even after over a year of no contact from a two year relationship I am still finding out more and more emotional affairs he had. It was far far worse than I even thought I knew. He has everyone fooled including his family of origin.

Emotional affairs happen when they're friends with their exes (they go back to what's familiar to emotionally dump, but might not go back to a physical relationship). The affairs will happen even if you're friends with those same exes. It's like dealing with a bottomless pit where nothing will be enough.

My ex didn't classify his emotional affairs as affairs. His 'apology' was "well, if you feel like it's an affair, then I'm sorry." He just could not understand why betraying my emotions cut so much more deeply than him physically cheating. It was simply beyond his comprehension, or even his desire to comprehend.

His emotional affairs hurt in the beginning, but as time passed, they gave me breathing room to plan and make my getaway. He keeps trying to come back because they don't meet all his needs. No matter what, I'm no contact, hoping his pain is as bad as what he did to me.

He took away the intimacy in our marriage, gave it to multiple coworker women who his job required him to "support." I'm not sure he can repair the damage he did to my soul or our marriage.

The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way. You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives. Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be. Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating spouse; send a request to: Metaspyhub@gmail. com

This is exactly what my husband has been doing for years… he has created a harem online he keeps going back to despite saying he will stop. He claims it’s not cheating because it’s not physical (thiugh I feel in my gut it has been at some point). I almost feel dumb if it hasn’t like I’m making too big a deal but if his “entertainment “ ad he calls it is replacing me, it just absolutely guts me to my core. Especially the fact I keep catching him at it. I just don’t understand- I always tell him if he’s so unhappy then he should leave and we can move on with our lives but he refuses. It just makes me feel sick and worthless and defeated, knowing he’s basically picking this entertainment over his actual marriage and knowing how badly it betrays me.

My experience is narcissists don’t have positive emotions. If they are connecting with someone it’s because they want something. My ex has no friends and I don’t know if he actually ever had one.

My narc did this to a younger woman on FB but I kept telling her via HIS phone that he was lying to her! They did meet & he tried to sleep with her but she still didn’t get it 🤦‍♀️ finally I risked my own safety to get her to disconnect & see that he was lying to her… it was so scary for me because he’s physically abusive but I never blamed a naive person 20 years his junior for his sick behavior

The best revenge is them actually seeing u happy with someone else trust they cant handle that shit .

Wow finally clarification ❤ no one ever talks about emotional affairs with a narcissist. The other woman stays so broken too

My ex-husband comes home with a dog one day. Told me his coworker's mother couldn't handle the dog. Dog was literally the devil; I should have known then! He decided to have an emotional affair with the coworker's mother who is over 70! Both of us at the time were early 30's. After I decided to leave and file for divorce, I found out from my then "best friend" (we're no longer friends) that indeed slept together and she was feeding him narcotics. That took a really long time for me to get over and honestly, I still get angry about it, but I know now, it wasn't me. I was not telling him he was the best husband, worker, friend because he absolutely was not!! I tried for many years to get us back on track, but the track was never true from the start, just an illusion!

It sure does hurt! It happened to me many times. Now I see it for what it is. He always said I never slept with anyone and that was supposed to make it alright I guess lol

Narcissists' emotions in emotional affairs are like the emotions of actors who really get into their roles. As it is with everyone else, they never truly connect. Even if there seems to be a greater degree of vulnerability and intimacy, it's calculated, deceptive, and manipulative.

So many silent treatments because I did not give him enough "attention"...as time passed I resented him and would physically stay away from him.(A drinker as well)....eventually he had SM emotional connections with other women....It IS confusing because I was blamed for his actions in the end.

Thank you!! You answered my burning question… WHY my narc husband had an emotional affair with a woman who was age of his mother. He kept saying that she understood him so well, only age difference. And how smart and wise, and unique she was. Then I heard their conversation on the phone… she pored him with compliments and admiration messages. I was feeling like a looser, who was unable to provide my husband with what needed. I tried harder and harder… It was weird , uncomfortable and confusing Thank you! It all made sense to me.

It makes sense absolutely! To my dispair 100%. Thanks Ben for confirming what my feelings told me many years! 🙏🏻⚘ My Ex had multiple emotional affairs with old and young patients of him and now I understand what you mean with his "highs". Sometimes he came home and even talked about one or the other overmentioning how great they were, until I could tell that something was not okay! He hurt me and laughed me out by saying I was too jealous. The truth is that he did it, not only because of his craving and showing himself as the perfect guy but on top he loved to triangulate so that I got unsettled🥴 I confronted him many times until I was exhausted and every time he devalidated my arguments. What I couldn't understand at that time was why he could tell me he loved me so much and at the same time could be so mean to me. And then I saw a video from Dr.Ramani for the very first time and I started to realize that he was a Covert Narzissist!

I feel like this applies to most people who engage in emotional affairs outside of the relationship. Not just poeple who are narcissistic. Everyone who engages in an emotional affair are looking for some sort of supply or validation.

I have just broken off with a 7 year relationship with a Covert Narcissist. I am ruminating over all the hurt he has caused. He has emotional affairs with two of his exes and also female work colleagues. He put memories & photos on FB and has snuck off to their birthday party excluding me and Lying about it

In the case of my Ex it started off with a physical affair and then became an emotional one which lasted for a year till it fizzled out.

Because they're constantly on the prowl. It doesn't matter who or what you are. These people are predators. Don't let them fool you. I lived it and it won't work. Find a good man!

Yep, and sometimes multiple pieces of cake! Watch out!

This is exactly how I realized that my husband's personality is on the narcissistic scale. When I found his conversations and interactions with multiple women online and confronted him about what he was doing, explained that it is an emotional affair and betrayal of our relationship he turns the blame onto me, I don't pay attention to him! He does not take any accountability and denies that his actions are cheating or any form of infidelity because it's not physical. He shows no empathy towards me when I explained how his actions and what he is doing breaks my heart and my trust. He continues to try and hide his phone and message, his chats are heavily based around sex fantasies, sending other women money online, going to lunch with them, and even being intimate with one of his ex's at a hotel room. The emotional interactions turned into physical when the opportunity was available. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me realize that I am not the reason for his behaviour!

He was totally destroyed when she went back with her husband, left the company and moved away. He cried about her leaving for weeks, if not months! He assured me they had never had sex. He is clueless as to why that hurt and upset me then and still does.

That was exactly the story of my life when I was married to my ex narcissist husband his emotional girlfriend called me and told me all about what he was doing with them. Finally after 24 years of a so call marriage he told me that his happy time and normal life was with someone else. So after all the abuse mentality, emotionally and physically l finally got my divorce. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ son of God for delivering me 🙏 from that evil spirit person who claims to be Christian??? I hope he gets to enjoy his happy time and normal life 😊😊😊. Because for me life is beautiful again 😍 praises to the most high God is the greatest 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Thank you as well for your concept about "Ego-Boost" and that it doesn't have to do with the person in the romantic relationship (me). It helps to heal the pain and disconfort that he created.

Was love bombed. Emotional affair. Big learning curve along with figuring out a narcissist. Didn’t realize at first. I see a lot signs,but you gotta know what to look for.They don’t even know they are not hiding their narcissistic self.

Nailed it!! Thank you! Full respect to you for helping people like me!

These people have issues

Over the years I have found many messages of conversations & flirting with ex's..... but the usual claim is they are just friends. Like seriously how stupid does he think I am. I suspect he is still doing it but haven't seen any proof of it lately.

Yes ! This is the unfortunate reality and took me a while to wrap my mind around but thankful I am on the other side of this bs and can now predict his next move on a daily basis

He would give her money, flowers and gifts. She would treat me badly and had expectations that his loyalty should be with her over me - his partner! She thinks he can do no wrong! When confronted I set boundary I was gaslit, told I was jealous and trying to place a wedge between their relationship..! No surprise I was stonewalled and eventually discarded

A very strong connection to people he didn't know by watching them on p0rn channels even though he said that he never did

So is it really not an emotional affair for the narcissist/serial cheater. It’s manufacturing a false reality for his supply. He knows it’s not real because he knows what he is doing.

So the narcissist does not really care about the person who is in his primary relationship OR the ones he has emotional affairs with? Is that what you mean?

Yep, was horrible.

She was drinking and got into gambling. I caught her texting different men. Always drunk at 1am. She had so many reasons from convincing the man to take covid vaccine, to just wanting to talk to people because we had issues. Since there was no sex talk it was ok to her. Then it was my fault because I think she's like my ex wife who cheated.

Jolene Jolene Jolene Jolene I'm begging of you please don't take my man Jolene Jolene Jolene Jolene please don't take him just because you can Dolly Parton "Jolene" circa era 1973

I appreciate your channel because you explain common things that aren't mentioned and in a way that's easy to understand. Thank you.

Thank you this was so clear to me

Mine used his own stepdaughter weird af and he recycled his exes

Yes!😢

Why do narcissist have to have contact with his xs

This question I asked myself many times if my narc is not giving me emotional support where he is getting his emotional support?

My husband was doing this with one of his ex's he said she listened to me and asked what she could do to help me. U didn't so I let it go and filed for my divorce

What about men who are gay but still had my total devotion emotionally. He has turned his back on me. Now when we run into each other he doesn’t even look at me. It is constantly tearing me up. Help.

I need someone to talk to about this

Here’s a question ? Do the other supply’s … b grade supply etc know about A grade supply or does the narc hide all the affairs from each other ?

My husband always played the victim. My husband is 74 he is on medication so he can't have a physical affair. I can at the age of 72 and can and still be sexual active. But I don't demand or ask of him.

So when does my narcissist husband stop having emotional affairs behind my back?? Its been 17 years & he's still doing it.. Do they ever stop???

He hits on some key points but he repeats himself to much using the same approach but using different words(some) it’s almost like what a narcissist would do to convince someone that what they’re doing isn’t what they’re being accused of.. idk like I said.. some key points but he missed on some more important points

What happens inside the narcs mind if they were publicly exposed as a cheater by the ex they were cheating on, and then the ex completely disappears (changes number/address/no social media)? Do they go through a recovery phase? My narc ex said I was the worst thing ever to happen to her when I exposed her.

Fucking always as we are being treated like shit

I'm curious Ben about 1 thing you mentioned. When you said that a narcissist creates a false image to hide behind bc he doesn't like who he really is, why is that? Why doesn't he like who he really is? Is it bc he was belittled as a child, or he felt unloved as a child, or he didn't get the emotional validation he needed as a child growing up, or is it bc he knows he is not like most other people whether he knows that he may be narcissistic or not? I get that all of these could definitely be a cause if not more than 1. I'm just trying to understand why he would dislike who he really is so much that he would chose to pretend to be someone he isn't knowing that he would have to maintain that façade for the rest of his life. Why won't they just throw their hands up, get help to overcome their issues, so they can be "normal" and have a better more fulfilling life? I just can't understand why they would want to live the way they do when like in my case I have told my other half that life would be so much better for him (and me) if he would just grow, develop and become a better version of himself.

Like 💯 %

My covert Narcissist husband was/is having an emotional affair with another Narcissist. What are the chances of them living happily ever after?

Hi Ben I want to know are you talking here about affairs online with women he doesn't know or even see or this is another issue because my husband discarded me and his life now is about talking to women online and having phesical affairs with other multiple women .does emosional affairs means online with women who doesn't know him

He lived with a girl, for about a year. Then he moved her to another state. But he has contact with her.

I really appreciate Ben's insight, granularity of his info, and his directness. I really dislike, however, how he refers to all narcissists as "he." I understand that men are at least diagnosed more with NPD, but there is some data that suggests that men have a higher prevalence of the traits as well. But the numbers do not tilt so heavily in favor of men that the incidence of female narcissists is minimal nor inconsequential. It's like he isn't aware that women narcissists out there. Not saying that he ought to account for both sexes every single time he uses a pronoun, just that it would be good to mix it up some, so people do not get an incorrect impression that all narcissists are male. Because that's kind of how his videos come across, if one watches many of them and all refer to only male N's and female partners. Love the info , otherwise!

What is the course these emotional affairs take? You mentioned they usually become physical, how long do they tend to last, etc?

Do they go back to the same affair partner’s?

"I am so beautiful, and you're d**d, you just don't know it yet." *click* On the latest episode of co-parenting with a narcissist who can't even have family time without texting his new supply 😂

The worse time was when his son committed suicide. He turned to the Mother of one of his sons.

How did you wife find out about your infidelity? How did she approach you to get you to confess???

I have a emotional affair with God 😉. There is no such thing as emotional affairs it's more emotional closeness and support God wants us to have that with people . If you don't get it with people have a emotional affair with God he welcomes us with open arms . We as humans are made to emotionally connect to others you will feel it within. Yet sometimes people don't want to connect with you emotionally or want to grow with you in a beautiful way towards God then you put all your faith in God alone

Or the girlfriend too. You do a good job but girls can be narcissist too lol