Emotional Neglect: Lack of Self-Discipline? It might be Self Neglect Instead | Dr. Jonice Webb 

I spent almost every morning in high school cranking through homework I should’ve done the night before. To this day I crank though work assignments an hour before they’re due. It’s very tiring.

I don’t lean into regret because it doesn’t feel helpful but I regret not learning about myself and my childhood before I had kids. My heart breaks when I see how I’ve perpetuated it.

My mother often neglected herself as she managed our household of six children and our father. I have definitely followed her patterns. In this chapter of my life (73 and widowed), I want to repair the damage.

Internalized "tough love" never helped me, but self-compassion has. : - ) Being subjected to shaming messages about what I now know were developmentally inappropriate expectations as part of childhood abuse had profoundly damaging longterm effects on me, so the wording about taking ownership at 7:57 and the *intensity* and repetition of the "take responsibility" section at 9:02 were triggering for me. 1) Recognizing the ways we weren't taught important skills for success in life is hugely helpful, and something I'm grateful for in Dr. Webb's work. It reduces shame and provides clues about how we can give ourselves a better life now. 2) *MOST people (even healthy, well-adjusted ones) living in "modern" societies find it challenging to consistently do all the things mentioned in this video.* That's just being human. The *depth* of difficulty can certainly be worsened by lack of adequate nurturing in childhood, but pathologizing such commonly shared issues with a label like Self-Neglect runs the risk of DEmotivating and disempowering people: "I must be impossibly far from healing if I can't make myself stop _______." 3) In reality, there are researchers who devote their entire careers to studying habit change because it's so tricky to sustain for most people. And that's especially true with things like food, alcohol, and drugs. (The disheartening statistics on sustained weight loss or abstinence from drugs and alcohol bear this out.) It IS possible to change with the right knowledge and supports in place. But a blanket admonition to Take Responsibility that doesn't acknowledge this kind of complexity evokes the parental Expectations without Guidance that caused many of us to develop internalized shame about our supposed "lack of self-discipline" in the first place. 4) For many childhood trauma survivors, things like prioritizing others' needs, not enforcing boundaries, or engaging in addictions are deep-rooted COPING STRATEGIES. Learning about the dysfunctional family dynamics that contribute to them, developing insight about how they *serve* as well as harm us, and practicing better coping skills *before* trying to eliminate them are often important first steps (and deeply healing in their own right regardless of whether the target behavior changes). 5) It's a MYTH often perpetuated in our self-improvement obsessed culture that achieving some ever-elusive standard of self-care is the key to happiness and virtue. But the truth is *you can live a wonderful, meaningful life and heal from childhood neglect without ever going for a jog or improving your diet!* It's also important to be aware that the illusion of control provided by rigid beliefs about diet, exercise, weight, and self-discipline can be a distraction from the deeper work of authentic healing. 6) The reality is, changing any habit takes sustained energy and effort, and sometimes it's just not a priority. That's OKAY. It doesn't necessarily mean we're Self-Neglectful if the behavior isn't causing significant harm. *We* get to decide what gives us the most return on investment in our lives, and where to focus our energy. In my experience, self-care behaviors *naturally* increase when we work on psychological healing and self-acceptance. And it's also true that nudging our self-care in a healthier direction can improve psychological wellbeing, sometimes dramatically. For me, swapping the phrase "self-discipline" for Self-Love and Self-Care, removing "should," and practicing radical self-acceptance that I'm okay even if I *never* change has helped far more than "tough love" ever did. Some other things that have helped me find the missing HOW: - Atomic Habits by James Clear; - Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving; - John Bradshaw's Homecoming about reparenting our inner child.

Just found your channel. Going to relisten and jot down notes. I'm 67 years old, and while my material needs were met growing up, there were many things lacking. One highlight of my childhood was I needed glasses. After many months of complaining I couldn't see far away, even my school teacher asked me if was against our religion to go to the doctor, my parents FINALLY took me to the eye doctor. Fast forward to my wedding - my Mom wanted me to get married without my glasses on! I said NO. Mom was always telling me to take my glasses off growing up because they hid my beautiful blue eyes. I think I look beautiful with or without glasses today. Mom was neglecting my personal needs - having poor vision was no fault of my own. Today I find housework overwhelming. My kitchen sink is usually full of dishes for example. I clean up the kitchen and it looks nice for a few days, then I slide back into not daily cleaning the kitchen. I think your videos may answer some of my questions why I have lack of self discipline.

“Emotional attention and intentional structure” wow. ❤

I've really been struggling with what I thought was lack of discipline since 2020. Your video has given me insight into the belief that I don't matter. It's really hard to take care of myself when family and so-called friends don't care.

This triggered a lot of epiphanies. If emotional neglect leads to self neglect... How much of my "compassion" for others wasn't so much altruism as it was complete disregard for my own self? Avoiding jumping into a public conversation when I'm desperately lonely isn't respecting their time, it's valuing the mere *potential* of avoiding offense in another over my own needs. I would choose to be a little annoyed over letting someone else suffer... I need to start respecting myself as much as I respect strangers. What I've been doing isn't being respectful. It's being self destructive.

I was not neglected but I was subjected to “this is how one teaches that to children” and with all my allergies and probably adhd and stuff I needed a lot of customization that I didn’t get. And it was all somehow based on anxiety about doing the right thing. When i become a free adult my desire to alleviate the anxiety of doing anything and everything meant I thought “you don’t have to do that”. So I do nothing. Eventually fear that people will reject me makes me wash my hair. I think from the video I will try to change the mantra of “you matter” to “your health matters” “your home matters” “your presentation matters”. I think that might work better than what everyone else advises: “you deserve a nice home/health food etc” because my brain always thinks: you deserve to lie down and make no effort (rest and be free from pressure).

I've suffered emotional neglect, went thru unprocessed grief plus I am the underdiagnosed HSP of the family. I only diagnosed myself 5 years ago at my 30s and now am working on boundaries, discipline and flexible structure as I grew up with the core belief that I am not self-disciplined and I am a procrastinator. Thank you for this video. So spot on.

Thank you for taking the time to make these videos. I’ve binge-watched several of them but this one really lands home. By turning lack of self-discipline on its head by calling it self neglect changes the emotional tone for me. My parents did care but they were clueless about things like this as they did not get this themselves. This is not about blame but on assessing myself as to where I am at and figuring out how to move forward. You are providing the needed information to help me on this journey.

Thank you...very helpful.. I was the family slave by 14..no exaggeration.. I had to learn everything ..washing machine dig for something to cook for dinner..learn to sew and iron.. Get myself off to school on time..etc... Things that in THOSE days mother's did. And...pretend at school that she was normal... By 14 she had discovered Valium and Daddy gave her money for the house but we had no food or cleaning products, etc.. He cried when he asked me to take over.. So I had to get her up and dressed to drive me...he had arranged with a very understanding from er A CHECK CASHING CARD SO HE COULD GIVE ME A CHECK AND I SHOPPED FOR THE WEEK FOR 7 PEOPLE..I HAD TO PLAN ALL MEALS PREP PRODUCE FIX SNACKS EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY.. I would sit her in the pharmacy ( the only place with chairs ) and do it all and pick her up... All I got was criticism from her.."I don't like frozen peas.." "But everyone else does" "Get me canned peas" It almost sounds funny it was so crazy.. It ended when I was 22..and trying to finish college after she abused us all to the point my youngest sister was a narcotics addict in a mental hospital. Mother forced the sale of out lifetime home.. I barely could take care of myself but I did I had to work very hard responsible jobs for little money because I was a woman without a college degree.. I finally gave up after I tried many things to better my life...every door slammed.. I ended up getting married to a narc..and my sister became just like my mother..in the end they stole everything my father left us all... I KNEW my self neglect was related to the abuse and neglect by her... But have not been able to conquer it...

Was a kid in the 70s and 80s. My brothers and I basically raised ourselves. Narcissist for a father, Borderline Personality Disordered Mother. Total emotional neglect. Throw in undiagnosed ADHD and it’s no wonder I can barely function well today.

Hi Jonice, Personal care and hygiene could be added to that list. Neither my mum or dad attended to personal care, both had issues in this area. I only learned to wash daily when I holidayed with my aunt and cousin when I was about 11. Thought I’d worked through most of my CEN but these questions are encouraging a deeper dive into the specifics. Very interesting, thank you.

Every single point applies to me. I self sabotage as if I am working against myself. I am my own worst enemy. I have been abused and exploited by narcissists and psychopaths my entire life. I isolate as that is the only way to avoid toxic people and dysfunctional relationships. I have major issue with procrastination my entire life. I feel like things are possible for other people but not for me as only bad things happen to me . I don’t feel there is a relationship for me or there is a job promotion for me. Life is just a series of bad things happening to me and I am just trying to survive

Thank you SO much for highlighting this issue. I am starting to realise that I can turn my life around and I’m not beyond hope. I’m understanding from a deeper level why I binge eat and self-sabotage; why my house is a mess, why I dress in a uniform of t-shirts and leggings despite having a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes. Why I don’t visit the hairdressers more than once a year yet I’ll pay for my adult daughter to go..so many ways of not loving myself. I have ordered your books and am looking forward to learning more x

I grew up with no structure. My mom grew up with too much structure I think, because my grandmother is completely structured, so I think my mom had an aversion to any kind of structure. I even wanted structure as a child and asked for it, but it was just not possible. It was very chaotic. No matter how hard I want to build structure in my life now, it seems I don’t have the mental ability to do it. Maybe I have ADD. My life is built around doing things I need to as soon as the “mode” hits me. It’s amazing I can function like this. 😅 I know others that don’t seem to have these challenges. I can ultra focus on getting something done if I am doing it “perfectly”, however, this is a “mode” I must be in. People that have meal times and regular times they do things and then they can shut that off when they are not doing it, I struggle with.

Thank you so much for this wonderful video. During primary and high school, I was regarded as a top achiever. Very smart, I started school a year earlier than my class mates. I achieved accolades that I felt I never deserved because I thought I wasn't doing much, rather simply existing. I passed my grades without having to study hard because I paid attention in class and understanding the questions was never difficult. I did not have a solid study plan, I relied on my memory. My mom is emotional unavailable, and she was always tired and stressed from work and so I internalised never wanting to burden her even if I had a problem because if I did, she wouldn't show up the way I needed her to because she was exhausted and didn't have the capacity to. And because of this, she assumed that I was good on my own and she never needed to check up on me (it's as though I was forced into independence, I had to figure things out myself). She supports me financially, and that's pretty much it (she is a single parent, with many responsibilities as she was also brought up by an emotional unavailable mother. She doesn't take care of herself as much as she takes care of others. She even regards the needs of other people more than the needs of me and my older sister on the guise of having to be “selfless”). I am now 21, in my fourth year of a 3 year degree in university and I am not pleased with the marks I produce and it's because I tend to neglect myself. I feel behind academically. I do not start my assignments on time. I rush through them, get a good mark and wonder why I put myself under so much stress to complete them in a time crunch when I could've started earlier. I know I am not slow, but my final mark always disappoints me because of the lack of time I spend on academics. Studying last minute only because there is an upcoming test/exam. My acedamic performance is simply due to the fact that I do not know how to cope in this space. I have attended therapy since 2021 because I assumed my behavior was due to the fact that I am not sure of what career field I want to embark on. My therapist and I also spoke on my family structure, how I was raised, and how I feel (we've noted the results of an assessment I took that I have symptoms of depression). Recently, I stopped going to therapy because I feel as though we talk about the same thing, and she does not really help me with coping mechanisms on how to sooth myself, how to set a strategy plan etc. Not to say that therapy hasn't been useful, however I am tired of just talking about how frustrating it is to be me. I cope with dissociating and I want to be more present and intimate with myself but I don't know how. Walking, meditating and journaling have been helpful to a certain extent but I don't know how forster a deeper connection with myself, these things feel superficial to me.

This explains so much. Like why I’ll buy something expensive for someone else but cheap out for myself.

Teenage pregnancy, drug use, abusive boyfriends, abusive Co workers, bosses, not being able to make decent money, repeating the cycle with your own children. These are the result of not feeling worthy and self neglect. I would take eating bad foods and not getting enough sunshine over those any day.

Your videos are incredibly helpful and you're so good at explaining these concepts. It would only make sense that my "self-discipline" issues are actually self-neglect, because neglect was what I knew. I was left to my own devices while growing up, with almost no structure or oversight from a parent. Some of us never built the habits of keeping a schedule, getting things done, and taking care of ourselves, and have had to learn in adulthood. Being an adult is difficult enough under ideal circumstances, let alone when you're forced teach yourself everything parents should have taught you during your upbringing. Talk about not being prepared for life!

When I was a kid, I developed an “empathic” peraonality, making sure everyone "felt right" and was functioning in their "rightful position,” within the family structure. So in other words, on an emotional level, I learned to value, “how others feel” more than how I feel. I also remember needing to be vigilant in my duty to manage how others felt toward me, which was not my responsibility to manage at all. I’m grateful to now recognize that it’s actually impossible to manage other people’s emotions effectively and that I need to focus on managing my own emotions. It’s good to be on this path and thank you for your assistance! 🙂

This is eye opening. I do self neglect and I was emotionally neglected. Everyone else’s happiness comes before mine. I need therapy!

I like the living room setting in this particular video. The topic of childhood neglect is fascinating to me because it's like connecting some dots to why of self neglect.... and is bringing clarity into the unseen. Thank you for your passion to help people .

Thank you this all makes perfect sense. Self discipline is often interpreted as needing punishment for doing something wrong or not doing something. Many of us get caught in negatively reinforced loop of shame guilt and self defeating behavior. If we look at the word disipline in the clasical meaning of learning we can begin to weave compassionate learning to take care of ourselves.

I journaled about the question "What did I learn about self care and self discipline growing up? I learned that someone will do "it" for me, think for me, make my decisions for me, clean up after me. (as an adult I asked my mom why she didn't have us do more to ease her load and help around the house, and she said, "it was just easier to do it myself.") She had 10 children, the first 5 under age 3-1/2. At the end of my senior year, she had the tenth child. I learned that I can get away with a messy cluttered room because my mother won't do anything about it except yell at me and that didn't bother me. Perhaps it was a solution to my feelings of resentment. I learned that I don't need to clean my room because I can hide the clutter and there were no consequences. I learned that I'm not able to get good grades. I don't know how. Other than one time in 5th grade my parents never asked me about my grades. They never knew I failed in Geometry. And my dad was an educator. He taught math, then became an assistant principal and then a principal. If it weren't for an 8th grade math teacher taking an interest in me and seeing my potential, I wouldn't have been in Algebra in 9th grade. I got an "A" in Algebra. I wish I had taken Geometry from him. I had the choice and didn't. They never knew I switched my english class so that I had an easier class. They never knew I did the minimal requirements to graduate. They never asked for my report card. They never asked about school. They had ten kids. I have a twin brother. All of my siblings except my brother and I, graduated with honors or high honors. I learned that I could easily hide my neglect because my parents didn't follow up. I could hide because they just didn't ask. A few years ago, my mother said, "it didn't occur to me to ask about your grades." I learned that I didn't matter to my parents, that my siblings mattered to them, just not me. I just didn't matter.

As a kid my hero was Mr. Spock from Star Trek and I wasn't the only one.

Thank you for this insightful video. Part of my healing has involved learning I have a core belief from childhood that my needs come last. I felt responsible for other people's moods when in reality I wasn't. I now understand my needs don't always have to come last, they won't always come first but they definitely don't always have to come last.

Learned heaps, didn't learn much as a kid on these, emotionally neglected and overlooked but extremely grateful to discover this video. Struggled with self love, lack of discipline, emotional dysregulation only till right now, other issues but worst were always self sabotage and self love. Just learned to get by over the decades as quite high functioning (i tricked em!) So exhausting though. Learned more in this video than countless books etc. ❤❤❤ LOVE !!!

Listening to your message right now was perfect timing and just what I needed to hear. Thank you from the fullness of my heart for having a RU-vid presence. Thank you! 🙏

Well, in my 30's I had this inspired insight (at least PARTIALLY) that there was SOMETHING WRONG...After reflection on it, I went to my father (in his late 60s)"Dad, why am I so undisciplined?" He was SUPER defensive, "Ok, Ok tell me how I screwed you up!!" You can guess, that not much more was said 😢

Does it come down to self worth? I'm wondering if emotional neglect brews a basic disbelief of one's own value. Neither parent was able to nurture us growing up and I've always had something in me that has never strived very hard. By the way, great haircut!

Gosh, 45 and still struggling...but determined to change once and for all, so my daughter doesn't follow in my footsteps. I was fed and clothed, given music lessons and could play out with my friends, but that was it when it came to parental guidance and support. As for feelings, they were not allowed! Only my mother's. I vowed to end the generational toxic patterns and I have in most areas, but my self-discipline is still lacking...or yes, it's self-neglect.

You matter, and you're worthy! ❤❤

This one is complicated. Growing up in a home with one functional alcoholic parent and one chronically depressed parent, I learned to look after my own physical needs so that I did not further burden my parents with my existence. My self-care was mostly about keeping up my appearance because that was what was rewarded, and so it was at best patchy. I was also expected to act as the emotional support animal/punching bag of my older sibling (my mother told me she had BPD), and along with everyone else, of my very critical and controlling father. If I expressed my emotions, my mother told me my feelings were wrong. If I repressed my emotions (and eventually blew up), she told me that it is wrong to bottle up my emotions. No explanations provided. Emotions were the ground of confusing double binds. Years of therapy, starting in my teens, and layers of trauma because I do feel things deeply. A long process of grieving and releasing.

I have self-discipline in some areas but can't seem to transfer it into more than one or two areas of my life. I seem to be the stereo typical all or nothing person, become obsessive about things, but then a few days later drop it only to cycle back to it later. I studied and work hard - because I get rewarded for those things. Somewhere along the way I seem to have picked up the thinking that if I try to be 'good' everywhere, that I will spread myself too thin. That it somehow works on a compensatory system, if I were to have a good marriage then I couldn't also have a successful career. I had a neglectful mother, I didn't know you were supposed to brush your teeth twice a day until I went to high school. And there were lots of other things I didn't know as a female growing up. Self-care is my biggest challenge. Literally, if I brush my teeth twice a day and wash my hair more than twice a week I am doing well. I must seem a real odd one to the outside world; (but mostly to myself) I have so many things worked out, but sometimes I am wearing week old clothes, wont leave the house, won't drink water when I need it, allow myself to get too cold, burn myself in the sun, make myself overtired. I had previously linked the childhood neglect with my current self-neglect, which almost makes it worse as I still struggle to do anything about it. I don't know if I am being stubborn, resistant, silly, lazy, but I will try some of your techniques. Thanks all.xx

Well, this explains a lot...while leading to more questions. Thank you for this video and others on this topic. Today is the first time I've heard about a link between self-discipline issues and emotional neglect. This merits some pondering... Looking forward to more info about how to help myself. I'm 64 but my whole family suffers from some form of this. My husband and I passed it down to our children without even knowing what "it" was. You seem to indicate that there is hope to heal so I'll be watching for more videos. 😊

I so needed to hear this. I went down a rabbit hole on how poverty affects self discipline. It turns out that not only doesn’t scarcity and instability contribute to this but also parents that are to over worked and busy to provide the training needed for self regulation, that and being g physically and sexually abused as a kid. Please clarify how to train myself with the structure I needed to make myself do things I want to do, like exercise and get bto places on time and get to bed at a reasonable hour. Thanks doctor.

I got your book, it just arrived!! Your videos are so helpful I can't wait to dig into the book. "I matter" saying this to myself every time I do something that's good for me..WOW forcing myself to do things that are good for me and framing it as a good thing, a self affirming positive act of self love ❤ I hate to say I was never taught this and I always struggled with EVERYTHING that was good for me because that foundation was never there. THANK YOU ❤ No joke this is life changing I feel like I can take on any task now without feeling trapped by it, if that makes any sense, my anxiety around demand avoidance issues has plagued me forever and I feel like I was just now given an olive branch .. or a ladder lol

Your fifth tip brought tears to my eyes.

That was so eye-opening for me! Now it will be easier to manage and heal the discipline problem for me, as I now understand the root of it! Thank you so much 💖☺️

I’ve known for a long time I tend to overextend myself, but lately I’m feeling it even more strongly. I’m about to turn 40 and am in the busiest season I’ve ever been in - I feel like I’m a robot going around accomplishing tasks 24/7. I’ve always been athletic and fairly fit but I’ve found myself slipping in my self discipline of working out and eating healthy and I don’t know why. I think I’m just running on fumes at this point. Really trying to make it a point to figure out what things I can get off my plate so I’ll have more margin in my life. But I have to get better at saying no and potentially disappointing people. I’ve gone through a ton of codependency recovery stuff but still have work to do.

I have improved in this area. I keep working on it. In this new 2024 my struggle is to start the gym.

Before my teen years I knew I needed to have more discipline. Things like being on time, follow through when things get hard, paying bills on time etc. My parents punished us but they didn't discipline. I even thought about joining the army or air force in order to become more disciplined and also have a sense of community. I now have a great opportunity at work. My ability to be a great leader but the childhood trauma has really done so much damage. Yet again another hurdle that a have to force myself to get over😢 I can do it

I am learning so much from this video series as it made me re-frame my whole childhood experience. I was depressed most of my childhood but it is only now that I understand why and that is because of the childhood emotional neglect in my family. I definitely did receive the message that my feelings didn't matter and in turn that I didn't matter. Looking back at my upbringing with the insight I now have, from your video series, I can understand that both of my parents are also products of childhood emotional neglect. Their response to being brought up with CEN is that both my sister and I were brought up in an extremely structured household which I now see as a prison, in a sense. None of the rules were negotiable so me and my sister had no voice and no real outlet for our emotions. So we learned that our emotions didn't matter to our parents and in turn we only mattered in the sense that we met our parents needs. Otherwise, we didn't matter in and upon ourselves. I ended up with disordered eating and serious depressions. For me during my depressions, I really did get the message that my life didn't matter. But after I had my children, I most likely got through my depressions because I knew my life mattered to my daughters. Needless to say, I'm still learning because I still have to work on showing myself more compassion and giving myself more slack. As someone else wrote in the comments, I have also worked on changing my eating habits by reading James Clear's book "Atomic Habbits : An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones". But for me I'd say the biggest eye-opener for me, is how you define " emptiness" because I never saw myself as "empty of emotions before" but I realize now it's more about that I haven't been listening to my emotions. I have been deaf to what messages they are sending because I have had the false core belief that I don't matter and therefore my emotions don't matter. So thank you for spreading this useful information and summarizing it in such an accessible way.

What I’m searching for are practical and tangible solutions to achieving this goal. I’m aware of the neglect and patterns and have been successful in breaking addiction and becomg conscious of cycles but need more practical tasks. I’m chronically ill now which impacts the ability to perform every day tasks in general. I think it would be helpful to have a forum for exercises to achieve goals. One I have found is the five minute rule. But I need other tangible, temporal goals.

Very informative. That is how I grew up. I am 60 now and I am at the wrong job and wrong relationship. They both take 100% of my time. I do to make everyone else important but me. What do you do when you don't feel anything anymore? I am just living and no joy. The one thing I know for sure I matter to God.

Got to put me first before anyone else cheers and thanks

I'm a brand new subscriber.. it's going to take me a while to get through even one of your videos. The points you make are very raw and expose old hidden wounds.

your work is amazing. This was very helpful. I haven't realized how one learned to have self discipline. Thank you.

Working my way through the playlist. CEN resonates. Listening. Then this video comes up. It's like you were in my childhood home!? "What was lacking"? OY!!!! The LACK, it seems, has affected every step of my way through this life. I'm 66 years old. One parent still living. 3 sibs, I'm the eldest, "the big girl". Married to the same man for 46 yrs. Four adult children. How I parented my kids!??... "I did the best I could with what I had." Repeat. Say it again....So, I have work to do.

I appreciate your sharing , you give tools so I can care for myself and Value. An added bonus to that ,is to do the work with you # layers and levels

I "checked out"(dissociate) at a very young age from a hospital experience. Fear of my parents was already in play before that. And I didn't bond with my mother. I have a twin brother. A lot going on, moving two weeks after birth of twins, unpacking, lack of support of father etc. My parents had 10 children. The first 5 under the age three and a half; oldest was three and a half, the youngest a newborn; sister a year older, my brother and I, then two more sisters. The next five were spread out more.In the hospital I thought they were leaving me there. My thinking set me up for great fear and I distant myself and"hid". They were emotionally, mentally, verbally, physically distant or not communicating at all, even though they were right there. It's what they brought into the marriage, their own childhood emotional neglect. I wouldn't have recognized emotional care if it was given because my fear walls was so strong from believing they took me to the hospital to leave me there. So I feared "building walls", froze, etc. We were fed, clothed, comfortable home. Yet, not talked to much, or held and cuddled, etc. Starting in my own recovery 35 years ago, I've known there was emotional neglect. I couldn't figure out whey I spent 35 years healing, yet seemed like nothing changed. Then I came across Dr Jonice Webbs youtubes and things started to really make sense. I signed up her program of "Fuel Up For Life". I have high hopes for myself now.

I grew up only getting out of bed when I knew I was already late for school. I needed that sense of panic to get moving. Which turned into quickly getting ready, eating something quick and unhealthy for breakfast. Then at nighttime I’d have to stay up late because I always procrastinated on homework (needed that sense of panic to set in before I’d start). Didn’t know how to have fun. Just worried and struggled with shame 24/7. I turned to food for comfort and disgusted myself with my lack of discipline in eating. Obsessed over food. Chronic shame, fatigue, social anxiety, IBS, depression, anxiety, and eventually gave up on everything. But God found me in that pit in 2019 and He gave me a sense of purpose and eternal hope! I’m a little healthier now emotionally, 10 years after first hearing about CPTSD. But I still neglect myself quite a lot. I’m glad I saw this video because I’ve felt like I haven’t been making a lot of progress lately, and learning about CEN is really opening my eyes to new areas of potential healing. Thank you! And God bless you!

Wow! Beautifully said.

I have been watching a number of your videos recently and feel I fit into this CEN. While I would say I have inherently known this for a very long time (I’m 62), your calm, compassionate non-blaming approach just feels helpful and respectful for helping anyone who is finally ‘really’ acknowledging this aspect of their lives - to move forward. It is your ‘compassion’ + ‘approach’ specifically that I am most grateful for and your videos are already starting to provide me with a focus so that I can move forward in my own self care. I can easily see the generational damage that has already occurred - but once acknowledged, the blame has to end + real healing work needs to begin. Thank you for bringing us the meaningful work you do. It is/will be very important to the healing that needs to take place in this ailing world. 😌♥️👍🏽✨🇨🇦🌎

thank you, Dr. Jonice!!! my mantra is: walking is for the rich and retired...going to give myself the gift of a walk much more often!!!

*Some things that have helped me find the missing HOW:* Atomic Habits by James Clear; Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving; John Bradshaw's Homecoming; swapping the phrase "self-discipline" for self-love and self-care; removing "should;" and practicing radical acceptance that I am OKAY even if I never change a thing!

Great recording. I would like to know how one goes about re-parenting one's self. I felt there was just so much to unpack before moving on to the next video.

Oh I’m so glad you’ve started a RU-vid channel! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw your name in my recommendations. Thank you ❤

Your book and your videos have been invaluable information for me. My sense of identity blossoms when I realise I am understood and not alone. Hello everyone else who has suffered from CEN. Thank goodness you have found this too xx

... What about when "healthy lifestyle" (food, exercise, moderation) becomes a fixation, that then turns into binge-restrict instead (which you hate yourself for -- the lack of [absolute, perfect, rationality-driven] self-control), because you are so focused on NOT doing it?

There’s nothing wrong with taking a sip of water while shooting your videos 😁👍🏻

Thank you Miss Webb i do a lot for me ,but didnt See it.After today i will See it and feel 😄

Let’s just say… listening to your video was like you watched me as a child growing up. I’m 78 now and I always stayed busy taking care of everyone and everything…. Didn’t feel I deserved my own space or rest or even doing fun things. As I put it “ I’ve always taken me out of the equation and my self talk was you aren’t important.” It helped keep me from desiring those things I wanted for myself.

I am in tears. ❤️

This one is probably your best video in this series. Helps a lot.

Yeah I spent 40+ years doing alcohol and drugs.

Aha! This explains SO much! There IS a connection between what I thought was a lack of self-discipline and CEN. I think that it may be tricky to re-examine my childhood on a different tack (as regards what I learned about self-care while growing up), but it should be worth it. Thank you, Dr. Webb!

It seems that I have all of the above and it's gotten worse over the years, I have been putting myself down for not exercising lately not getting enough air I now understand why

♥️Dr. Webb! THANK YOU so very much for your insightful and well presented information on Childhood Emotional Neglect. Each time I listen, I sit down and take notes. So much is coming together in my understanding. I have been all around the block with the self discipline issue. I have felt inadequate, guilty, and I have felt doomed to a life of chaos simply because I don’t have the personality type or the natural giftings to accomplish healthy self discipline. And even though I have worked intensely on silencing and making friends with my inner critic, I have never heard it explained this way … that these two fundamental skills that I missed out on Learning in childhood can be learned today-like you said, I look at it as a problem to be solved (which I’ve solved many!) it’s so nice (and fitting) to hear this in conjunction with your message that my true self does matter, I am not inadequate and I am not to blame. Im reading your book and I’m looking forward to your next video! Thank you so much ! God bless you richly in every way ! ♥️

Thank you for sharing! The point about not having free time n feeling guilty about it really hit home! X

Thank you so much for taking the time to do this. Appreciate your knowledge.

Thank you for your short, structured, and concise videos- well done :)

Learn more about Childhood Emotional Neglect how to feel more confident and honor your own needs and feelings more in my FREE CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenchallenge8 To find out if you have CEN, take the free Emotional Neglect Test: bit.ly/entest To learn much more about how to recognize, accept, and express your emotional needs to others, check out my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.

Thank you. You helped me understand how to work through the guilt I feel when the expectations of others compete with self-care.

Thank you for your helpful videos.

thank you so much!

Thank you! ❤ Love both of your CEN books! Sooooo grateful!

Thank-you soo much for making us aware❤️

This is a tremendous video.

I think too many consequences and too much structure from a parent is also a negative because you learn that no matter what you do you'll probably fail and structure = misery.

Interesting. Thank you.

Great video. Subbed, and planning to start working for your playlists

Do you have any resources on intentional structure. Like what it looks like, how to do it and tips? lol anything

Helpful thank you!

Gr8 info, definite Food for thought, many thanks L&S 🙂

Great video...I need to start doing more for me!! I'm going to work on your tips, and try really hard to do better!!

🎯🥂 Thank you 😊❤️🤔🔥

Thank you. I've struggled with this my entire life and had no idea why. I am interested in learning how EN may have affected me into adulthood and will watch more.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR CHANNEL!!!!

Thank you!!

Thank you so much.I learned a lot

U r verry helpful tnx ❤

Thank you!

Thank you Jonice.

You matter! ❤it!

Thank you. This video gave me a new perspective for Discipline.

I learned indirectly that The only things that really matter are what show on the outside.

My parents were incredibly disciplined and still are. Idk what happened to me