1st step: Recognizing when you are emotionally sober. Being able to perceive the world clearly, being present, not being activated or hyper-vigilant. Love that you brought up that addiction can include limerence and hyper-independence. 2nd step: Knowing and naming your triggers. Mapping out the information from step 1 to be able to predict situations you will not be emotionally sober in. Sit down and write a list of 5 types of situations where you might be likely to be triggered or emotionally intoxicated. 3rd step: Develop an action plan for how you will behave during these responses. What is important to you and what things do you definitely not want to do when you are emotionally sober. Develop rules/boundaries/guidelines. Use basic if/else statements a 4 y.o. can understand. 4th step: Work on being able to tolerate the emotions that lead you to an emotionally intoxicated response. If shame, practice self compassion, think of all the other people who feel this way too. If anger, practice assertive sample scripts so you don't choose between only blowing up or self-abandoning. As an aside, cus this is what I'm also learning as part of my life wisdom thing. "Work on your relationship to uncertainty and vulnerability. If you grow up securely attached a big part of what you learn is that life is in constant motion and that everything is always changing and that to be alive means to feel fairly vulnerable and exposed and to have to grieve things that you've lost on a regular basis." 5th step: Surround yourself with people who are emotionally sober who won't affirm thought distortions when it comes to decision making or conflicts with others in your life. Make peace with your expectations. Shit won't happen overnight. You will not feel suddenly better. You will however feel your true feelings.
Heidi can find obscure concepts in psychology and put a modern, easy to digest spin to it to make it accessible to all of us. So grateful I found this channel ❤️
As anyone with long-term addiction recovery knows, emotional sobriety is crucial to physical sobriety. After all, if it doesn't feel good to be sober, there's no reason to stay that way. I'm glad others find this an accessible concept as well.
"it doesn't feel good to be sober" haha, so true. another one i enjoy: "being asked for what purpose he thought men were born, he laughingly replied: to realize how much better it were not to be born"
That's not what they said, they said "IF It doesn't feel good to be sober". Meaning, if you're miserable being sober internally, you're not going to want to physically stay sober. You will want to escape your mental landscape. @@gordo6908
I have heard the term "dry drunk" to describe a person who is committed to abstaining from drugs and alcohol, but is still struggling with behaviors that are dysregulated.
@@dr5290even if they're getting hooked,this is the right kind because they're learning and educating themselves which is the biggest form of self love
I agree I find it comforting too. Also Heidi please feel free to take breaks from posting if you need it to tend to your mental health ❤ we don’t want you to work yourself so hard to the point of detriment
I love the concept of emotional sobriety. I realised I'd been aware of the fact I can become 'drunk' with emotion and make decisions that were impulsive at certain times particularly at night. I made a rule for myself that I will not make big or important decisions when I am particularly negatively emotionally activated or at night time because these are times when I tend to make impulsive decisions that I regret later. There is nothing restrictive about putting rules like this in place, you're just acknowledging that there are predictable states where you're less likely to make a balanced decision and times when you are more likely to do so.
I just figured out how to manage to go to bed earlier. 🙏🏻 My emotionally sober self has to decide for my less emotionally sober self to stick to a routine, even if she doesn't feel like it and thinks binge-watching Heidi's videos is more fun than going to bed early! 💜 Goodnight everyone...
It's been three days since I watched and I just had to come back and tell you that this concept is immensely useful. It's one thing to recognize I'm dysregulated, but in those moments it's so much more intuitive to tell myself, "I'm emotionally drunk right now, I can't trust anything I'm thinking, I need to do whatever it is to get sober before I make any decisions." Videos to your past self 💯 thank you very much!
Do people really not live ‘in story’? This is my first time hearing this term (and finding your videos) and I’m realizing that I’m constantly in this state. It’s so hard to fathom being able to just live and not constantly have some interpretation or narrative of what’s happening going on in your head.
I’m 32, and my time feeling calm and safe has been so rare, I’m only just now learning to identify when I feel elevated. I have lived in the story all my life, and I’m having periods of sobriety for the first time.
To anyone reading this. The quickest way for me to get into a secure state was to allow myself to feel all the feelings from when I was disregulated and become aware that I was purging these feelings out of my body. I’m not a psychiatrist just sharing my experience after struggling for years to “just do the right thing/make the conscious choice ” mentally. Your body needs to be able to do it to.
Heidi- as someone who has, in retrospect, felt anxiety and depression (a sense of alienation and disassociation) from a young age, I started working on mindfulness in my late 20s - and it momentarily blew me away that I could use all my senses to be in the present moment. Since then I have run the gamut of psychological self help and tools though my own research. But, at age 42, your clear, concise, and LUCID! -videos have clicked for me in a way that nothing else has. They’ve made my relationships stronger and more authentic- after realizing what boundaries actually are (not telling someone what to do or where to go) and how to recognize them. You’ve taught me what attachment systems are and which I use in most of my relationships (at first I thought anxious- but now I realize fearful avoidant (the most fun system of all!😜)). I have learned though listening to you that although I can co-regulate with another person when we are mutually in agreement to do so, I don’t have to rely on others to self regulate. I can rely on myself. And just having that knowledge somehow stops me from pining for the other person to so something I “need” them to do. I have become aware of when my responses to situations or people are bringing me to a place of neurological activation. I don’t suppress anger as much. I use it as a tool.. along with shame. Another gem you have given me the moment to consider what feeling I am trying to avoid when I’m going to have an edible or a drink of alcohol. This curiosity has made it so that I am not just saying blindly to myself “you’ve been drinking too much, stop/slow down/you promised yourself…”. I don’t actually feel the desire nearly as often because the reward for getting in touch with my authentic self is far to rich. I have recommended you to numerous people in my life- and the ones who listen seem to resonate deeply with your coherent, accessible, laser focused delivery. I think you are onto something and you should keep going with it. You are an inspiration and have a natural talent that mixed with your education can continue to have far reaching affects on people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Brian
The show 'The Bear' has very good demonstrations of various emotional intoxications referenced in this video and has each person learn to regulate and find respect for themselves and each other. Would recommend it to anyone who wants to see things from the outside a bit
Something I don't think is talked about enogh is the role of community, a sponsor, and group therapy in sobriety. When you can help someone else with the same problem it expands your mind. Also, the regular exposure to other people who are also aware and working on the same issues as you can help you build a truly healthy support system.
Im noticing Ive been having big feelings around grief and loss of limerant connections, and have begun to see my lack of emotional sobriety in so many of my relationships. Ive been feeling extra depressed but I also feel like Im starting to process years of pain. Thank you for another great video Heidi!! Im so grateful for content like this.
Love you too Heidi. Another sobering video. I actually came up with my own definition of sober many years ago while I was on my journey of self-reflection. " Sobriety is understanding the difference between need and want and being able to live absolutely content with only what you need. Only then will you find true joy in your life". Not to say you can't have the things you want. But it's learning to be grateful even in the moments when you don't have the things that you want. And another saying that I've always used when talking to people is... "Want what you need. Don't need what you want". Only because it goes hand in hand with my previous statement. 💁
Dear Heidi, you just keep knocking it ouf the park, one helpful video to my healing journey after the other. And each time, I'm elated to find comments from so many others whose lives you help improving. Thank you, wholeheartedly
WOW my mind was just blown. This fills in SO many blanks as to what went wrong in past relationships...lack of emotional sobriety! Thank you so much for this.
So good! Thanks for posting. To me this explains the polarization in politics, people have been manipulated to be triggered all the time, so they are now addicted to being drunk on emotions, whether it’s anger or the self righteous virtue warrior, it’s all addiction.
I feel emotionally intoxicated with anxiety and anticipatory grief every time I see my mom. I love her so much and she was my first and primary attachment figure and I don't want her to die. She has almost died twice in the past 4 years, has permanent lung damage and other chronic health issues. She is not well and the last time I saw her several days ago she gave me 6 pages of stuff to do after she dies since I will be in charge of funeral planning and her estate. I've already lost 4 relatives and 3 pets within the past 8 years and don't want to go through any more grief and loss. I know I just need to suck it up and deal with it because no one lives forever though. I am trying to be emotionally sober and take good care of myself but this is hard. Thanks for the tips.
WOW🤔. Emotional sobriety… that’s a helpful way to look at it. I’ll need to watch this video several times. It triggers a fear/deflection response right now but it resonates deep down. I will keep working at understanding it. I’ve been through DBT classes several times and “Wise mind” was always the hardest for me to understand… or maybe “claim” would be a better way to put it. Am I overly self indulgent of the traumatized inner child so avoid the need to strengthen my “wise mind”? Too much into supporting her deeply emotional response? IDK. My violent trauma came at 2 months old. Creating a sense of love and security for such a young “me” is a challenge but I’m getting better at identifying when she needs my love and support. To convince her that we no longer live in those nightmare three days. Thank you so much for your straightforward and supportive style when explaining these options for healing. Your videos pop up just when I seem to need to think about such things. 👍🏼👏🏼
I just watched Jonathan van Ness talking to dick schwarz the IFS guy and there was a great bit in it where JVN said that using the 'parent' Like voice - wise mind? - to parent himself wouldn't work, he has to make it a cheeky friend and get alongside the part or it'll just rebel. I don't know if this is what you're getting at but I liked the idea
@@laurah2831. My definition of wise mind… hmmm well in EMDR I chose Captain Jean Luke Picard from Star Trek Next Gen. to be my wise mind support personality. It has more to do with a perspective of calm balance. Not the dictator “Dad” voice that had to be replaced.
I wanted to thank you, not only for your incredible content, but also for referring us scapegoats to Rebecca Mandeville. The two of you have been better than all of my therapists put together.
With your example of the four drinks I will forever see the four of cups tarot card as emotional sobriety:) thank you for your content it’s been extremely supportive!!
Being given "silent treatment" is my biggest trigger, but is also my go-to unconscious response whenever I'm feeling uncomfortable, unable to communicate my emotions or needs, or shame-bound around others.
Heidi, I’ve been watching all your videos about dismissive avoidant attachment style and seeing a lot of myself in them. Recently I talked with my therapist about the things I’ve learned and am trying to internalize and she said I’m “kicking ass” at personal growth. Thank you for helping me to understand myself.
So important to be able to share a situation with a friend and have them see everyone's good, not just side with me. I value that. And I love the part about making rules for when we are feeling "off". Simple rules that a 4 year old can follow. :)
Emotional sobriety is something that’s new to me. This video, thank you so much for Elegantly distinguishing what it is and how to practice it. I have a feeling I’ll be watching this video over and over and over again and using this method for the rest of my life. Many blessings to you thank you. 🙏🏽💕
My goodness it's the missing concept or key that I've been overlooking repeatedly. I must re-study this lecture of yours Heidi. You've used the whack-a-mole analogy for our feelings and emotions. I've been trying to understand the root cause of my distortions these past few months and this feels totally relevant. I've made more progress on this path than ever before after finally gathering the courage to choose myself over others (fearful avoidant). I feel like Aladdin singing A Whole New World with the feelings and emotions that seem so overwhelmingly powerful. Even though they've been overwhelming, and every fibre of my being has been trying to get me to run away from my efforts, it's beginning to become much easier to simply be with the energies.
this was very eye opening for me i personally have experienced a sort of tunnel vision in moments of distress and emergencies, while it had saved me a couple of times, it had also caused me to act recklessly and I had suffered extreme consequences from being too reliant on that emotional response thank you for making the content that you do!
I've been watching so many of your videos these past few months and I just want to say: Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. Thank you for putting these videos out into the world so they can find people like me, on the brink of truly, once and for all, giving up on happiness, or even life itself, out of pure ignorance of my own inner world. Thank you so much. I'm not exaggerating when I say that you have saved my life. For the first time in my adult life, at the age of 34, I feel a true sense of hope about my future that is based purely on myself and my self growth, not on someone else coming along and "saving" me from myself. Thank you so much for everything you do.
Such wonderful content. My fawning days are long gone (for the most part, lol). Now it's getting triggered and then instantly filled with anger. Another RU-vidr put it: "You react as if they burnt you alive". That's how it feels, inside. I love your advice to keep "The Rules" very simple, as to what you are allowed "to do, to manifest" when this happens. Even if all alone, when triggered, I'd like to refrain from "exploding". A personal challenge, but if there is no witness, boy it's hard to just contain that energy.
I had a friend say she was addicted to people. She said she constantly needed to talk to someone, text, or listen to people on tv in order for her to feel safe. She said she taking 30 days to start recovering from her impulse to reach out to people when she has feelings. This impulse is much different than reaching out for help it was a inability for her to be lone with her self a not depend on a outside source.
That's absolutely me when I get triggered or feel abandoned or scared. It's very hard to do this. Even if it's just reaching out for a text you're still kind of using a crutch and you're not getting stronger. Thanks for sharing
Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. I get stuck on the action plan. I guess - keep trying, eh? Also, sometimes the universe steps in to help me, which is always such a gift (call gets cut off, person has to go, I get distracted by something else). And I like the sobriety model because it's truly the best way to describe me around my family - intoxicated. Sigh. Very, very helpful - thank you, Heidi!!
Thank you for this video. I recently began attending ACA meetings and have heard the term emotional sobriety but didn't really understand it. I have not been practicing it and now I can begin to. Your message is very clear and understandable. This video is very helpful to me :)
Hi Heidi. I think you should do a clip on what it is like to "write other people off," if you haven't already, that is. I haven't watched all your videos, but I am damiliar with the subject headings and I imagine "writing people off" falls under emotional bypassing, which is the next video I will be watching. If someone told me I would binge watch your content the way I did seasons 2 and 3 of Lost, then I would have told them not to lie about me. I cannot go so quickly through your material as I did the prolonged trauma-flashback sequence that is Lost because your videos hit much closer to home. I have to take your offerings in small pieces over the course of a few hours or I miss things. That's what my two favorite shows have in common. Both the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray and the TV Show Lost are drawn out flashback sequences portraying the remembered past of traumatized people. The anger experienced by Murray's weatherman induced an individual delusion, that he was living the same day over and over endlessly. In Lost, the delusions were multiple, but communal. The traumatic event, the plane crash, is experienced by a group of people who then indivdually and variously experience a series of flashbacks. Both of these are trauma stories. I always wondered why I never liked Seinfeld until I recognized the petty snarkiness of it all. Groundhog Day and Lost affected me similarly for different reasons. They both hit me too close to home is the reason. Now I know why.
This is such valuable advice ❤ I would reference feeling "sober" when single in my stream of consciousness journal entries, and after watching your vid I've gained so much insight into why i felt that way. Thanks Heidi!
I am playing this for my SUD clients for group therapy thank you so much for providing this information. I even learned a lot about my healing journey. Thank you for all you do!
Amazing video, thank you so much. now I realized I am emotionally sober and have been so for the last 7 or 8 months and have experienced so much pain Which I had been burying deep inside of me. I agree; facing the emotions and pain, letting it slowly fade away is the remedy. Thank you so much..
I do that rule making for myself too! I’m currently working through having broken a rule I’d made for myself in 2009- I broke my rule and after a 6-week I’m pulling myself back down to Earth. Thanks for this video. Excited to learn more.
Hi! Listening to you for the first time this morning, sounds like good stuff and applicable today! As I was listening I thought, you Heidi, sound like God might be reaching out to you 💜
Another gut punch right when I needed it, ouch! How do I even recognize when I'm emotionally sober? Fearful avoidant leaning avoidant, high (HIGH) in neuroticism; where is my support group? 🥺
This video came at the perfect time. I just started this healing journey three months ago… its been intense. Your insights are clear and you explain it so well. Thank you so much ❤
I just love your videos! My journey of healing led me to a 12 step program and it completely transformed my relationship to myself and others. I've been learning to apply this to all areas of struggle in my life and it helps a lot. I love this term of emotional sobriety.
Thanks for sharing this important message. We could have used this 30 years ago but I’m glad we’re becoming so much more aware because of media. Because of you.
Hey Heidi, listening to this I got really curious about my inability to feel joy without the meta-feeling of anxiety covering experiencing joy up. I understand where it comes from and I am aware when it happens but I am unable (yet) to work my way through it. Any thoughts on this "fear of joy"? Would love to hear what you know about this topic. 😊
Just found you after googling '10 signs of an avoidance attachment. Thank you 🙏 - you mentioned you'd be releasing future videos on how to develop skills for avoidants to move towards a relationship. I'm wondering which video it is?
my version of notes: Step 1: emotional sobriety vs. not, how to tell difference. Emotionally intoxicated: regret is a sign of (story telling? long convoluted story about who this and that comparing greatly to one another intense emotions or dethatched emotions emotional sober: rational and respecting one another including self even if you dislike yourself or someone. it doesn't have to be more than that. step 2: Notice both and try to choose sobriety as much as possible notice and name triggers triggers: family, some types of girls, trading crypto, poker step 3:action plan to deal with emotional intoxication make them incredibly simple(if this, then that) ex: if in the presence of person x: only use i language rules: step 4: work and sit with difficult emotions(not doing this builds neuroticism) integrate shame, step 5 relationships seek comradery not savory from pain (were all in this together) lastly(stay realistic) the people you surround yourself with helps you stay or not emotionally sober
Heidi, your vids are spot on. Thank you. I watched one last night and today, a change was made. A breakthrough of sorts. Baby steps... But the direction has changed, for the better. Thank you!
Oh I'm DEFINITELY addicted to a freeze response now, and in the past i was highly addicted to a fawn response. I used to feel genuine highs from saying and doing exactly what other people needed or wanted, and receiving praise as a result. Led to some very insane time periods cuz I lacked my own internal compass to tell me what was right and relied solely on others' reactions to me. Even now, I still feel like I'm missing something to fill the gap that used to be other people's desires. I know I need to learn how to self direct, how to live in line with my own internal desires, but it's something I still struggle with. These days, instead of fawning, I tend to freeze, which while isolating has led to much better results since the fawning tended to bring lots of toxic and maladapted people into my life. The freezing lets me asses my options more and control who I let in. It's still not ideal because I'm not fully regulated or operating at full capacity enacting my dreams and desires, but I guess this period is like a transient phase between the fully unregulated, codependent person I was and the more regulated, emotionally intelligent, interdependent person I would like like to be. Thank you for making such thought provoking videos! I don't know if it's your own personal experiences or your delivery, but something about your psychology videos really connects with me compared to other youtubers, and I'm glad I found your channel!
I found out about attachment theory in 2019 and back then, there weren't many resources on it, especially on RU-vid. I remember watching Thais Gibson and understanding how I reacted anxiously and how it can also be hurtful, but I didn't understand how to heal. I also felt targeted in her videos... I took a break for a year from this to focus on my career, and now that I've made space for healing again, I've found your videos. They give me so much to think about and the path to becoming secure actually looks clearer! I feel so much compassion from you in your videos although you've previously struggled with avoidant attachment. You've also made me understand why my emotions are 5000% and why I have protest behaviours - to look 'big' and get my needs met! It showed me that it did work well with my parents. So I just want to let you know that you are doing amazing work. I honestly rewatch a lot of your videos to reflect on. It gives me tangible things that I can do to change, not just explaining what attachment is over and over! I'm excited to continue to work on myself with you!
A lot of people have this misconception that wise decisions are made with the mind! Mental decisions are based on a very limited set of information which often results in very short sighted and disempowering outcomes. The wise self can only be accessed through the body.
Thanks you for your content, it really helps me to process my feelings post-therapy. It is good to know that there are tools to open new perspectives into my psychoanalysis and further healing to take full responsibility of life choices in intimate relationships.
You're understanding of emotional discipline is undoubtably inspiring Heidi. I'm a sensitive and artistic man, and I have a tendency to express my love, and indignation emotionally. Honestly, I'd rather be hypersensitive than stoic and statuesque. However, to minimize hurt and hypocrisy we must learn to summon control of our responses to this world's wavelengths. You're right when you say that it's not good enough to just throw away irritation and trauma, that we cant't just cancel the source and effects of triggers. If want to be our best we must acknowledge and learn from our emotional linchpins. We cannot be healthy while denying the heat, or frigidness of our emotional selves, we must own our reaction and eschew self pity. The stronger I become emotionally the less inclined I am to blame the world for my ignorance and discomfort. Do you believe that emotions preceed rational thought, physiologically and or metaphysically? It seems very likely that all perception, and introspection must inevitablly, first pass through the gateway of the heart before our conscience/consciousness has an opportunity to evaluate and act on reality. You have made great investments into your real self Heidi, the proof is in your poise, however, a day will come when your heart will rebel against discipline and obey the primal pounce of love where only your instincts will suffice for satisfaction. You have a beautiful glow today.
