My grandma on my mother’s side was great at standing up for me. Whenever I told her about someone who had hurt me, she’d get agitated and tell me, “Oooh, I could just bumble them up!” I remember that fondly now when I need to stand up for myself.
Love this for you! Imagine never having that though and having no point of reference for how to stick up for yourself 🙃 that’s what people with really negligent parents deal with. That’s how it is for me. Really difficult.
I found that it wasn't as easy as just deciding. There was a point when shame and unresolved trauma told me that I was unworthy of boundaries, that it was "selfish" to prioritize myself over others (even my needs over their wants), that I was inherently flawed, and that I "should" be someone other than who I was. When I began to learn about trauma, I began to understand those were trauma symptoms. I started working on loving myself. I started to understand, on a cognitive level, that my needs were relevant and that I didn't owe anyone the sacrifice of my well-being. But that knowledge didn't empower me to say no or to advocate for myself. The over-accommodation was literally compulsive. I couldn't say no. I couldn't draw limits. I couldn't communicate boundaries, or enforce them. I attracted wounded people who would take advantage in the most egregious, blatant ways. And who could I blame? I was the one that agreed to it (regardless of the manipulation that was involved). It was my responsibility to advocate for myself, and I wasn't doing it. I finally isolated. It was the only way I could protect myself. I immersed myself in learning about C-PTSD. My life was finally making sense. I finally had validation. That's when I found the information that would change my life. I discovered Polyvagal theory (Stephen Porges) and learned about the Fawn response (Pete Walker). I was constantly triggered. My body was in fight/flight and my dominant protective response was Fawning. It's a valid human response to perceived danger, and especially common in those who've experienced abuse in childhood. The child learns that cooperation and accommodation is the means to safety. It becomes ingrained. I couldn't say no because I felt unsafe (I was hypervigilant and my nervous system was hyper aroused. I was constantly triggered. It was my default state) and my unconscious attempt to keep myself safe was to keep the other person happy. I learned about Fawning and hypervigilance 3 years ago. I've slowly been teaching my body that I'm safe. It's not been a quick process. I'm super careful with the people that I allow into my experience. If they have any sense of entitlement, I don't even want them around. I'm learning (with my very few safe and loyal friends) how to speak up for myself and to communicate my needs. Understanding what was happening and learning about our physiological responses to stress and trauma has been a game changer for me. If you struggle with self abandonment and can't figure out why you can't say no, establish boundaries, or advocate for yourself, please learn about polyvagal theory and Fawning. These were the missing puzzle pieces for me. The information didn't give me the skills, but did give me the understanding, which was what I needed to learn the skills. You can do it. You're worthy and you matter. I'm so glad you're on this healing journey. I know it's not easy, but you're doing it. Be proud of yourself. I love you 💗 I came back to edit this comment: I didn't expect it to get the response that it did. If you're on Facebook, please check out a group that I admin for: "Wholeness Remembered". It's not specific to healing, but we frequently share resources and insights from the healing path (I've shared more than one of Heidi's videos). However, we do also discuss self-awareness, spirituality, and expressing from the heart and one's authentic Self. If it resonates, please join us.
im having such a hard time when my mum starts blaming me again and i have to choose to not Fawn. im only able to physically leave the situation but i dont know where to go from there because i want her in my life
@@nirgunawish have you heard of the channel "Patrick Teahan"? His content is primarily about healing from Complex PTSD and navigating relationships with dysfunctional parents. He does a lot of role plays, which have been really helpful for me (even in my relationship with my adult children). I recognize I never had healthy modeling so what's "normal" to me isn't always healthy. I'm trying to learn and grow. My Mom passed away 5 years ago. I really wish I would have known about multigenerational and complex trauma when she was alive. Our relationship wasn't always healthy (there was a lot of generational trauma in our family) and I didn't have the emotional intelligence, skills, or understanding to navigate it in a loving way (sadly, neither did she). But my daughters and I are breaking the cycle. Is she receptive to learning about these topics? If so, maybe using a video on Fawning as a way to introduce the conversation? I understand the struggle. Close relationships aren't always easy, especially when dynamics are uneven (like parent/child) and codependency is involved. Kudos to you for trying to find a way to continue the relationship. I truly hope you both are able to find the healing you need.
thank you for your hopeful words yeah i hope we can make it work. she has been a bit defensive when i have framed it as a responsibility of personal growth but i think slowly but surely we will start properly talking things through. its already much better than it once was, there used to be periods of multiple weeks where we wouldnt say a single word to each other and now everytime we have a fight we can at least still hug and say we love each other. i commented that after a verbal altercation actually and i was feeling quite down, but now we have plans for the weekend and next week im hoping to trying something new toward healing. i will check out patrick teahan, thanks !! about multigenerational stuff, i found out recently through "dr gabor mate" on joe rogan experience that since a 100 yrs doctors are telling new mothers to not pick up babies when they cry. if it goes against your instincts, i think it is highly likely to be a bad idea and new age doctors can shut up about it. i hope you spread the word, because i think this is quite a big part of multigenerational trauma. we need more interpersonal closeness in this western world. also you should know that unfinished business will still have a chance. she may be gone for now but you will find each other again, i truly believe that
The part where you said think of a 10 year old child 🤯 I am SUPER strict when it comes to standing up for my children! My children know it and take pride in it! I don't tolerate disrespect toward my children from anyone, not my mother, not their father, not a teacher, not a police officer, not even myself! If they tell me I am being disrespectful I will check myself right then and there and apologize, then if their behavior is unacceptable I will explain it to them in a more respectful tone and manner. Yet, I don't do that for myself.
I find that I erase myself a lot so I don't feel left out in social situations. I become smaller and get nervous to express myself so end up feeling empty. It checks out though because I never really expressed myself growing up. I felt out of place at home and at school for a long time. I hid my interests and stayed in my room a lot because I was scared of people due to being bullied. So I was usually alone and sad. Now I just turn into this aloof person who tries to make people laugh so I don't get anxious. It's hard trying to be myself when what I care about and who I am doesn't match many of my friendships.
Everything you described here about self-abandonment in a work environment really resonated with me. I spent two years as a high school teacher and quickly realized that I needed to hide or change pretty much every aspect of myself in order to get through each day. Quitting and moving on to teaching adults is the single best thing I've ever done for my mental health.
I am finding these videos really helpful in a working environment. I've also already done a lot of work. Self help and learning for 10 years and 5 years of counselling and I still was struggling at work. I'm stuck between carrying on, as it's good money and job. But I know I need time to work on my inner needs. So I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I need to eject from current workplace. But it's hard 😢
21:00 "If I'm chronically dissociating from my own needs for comfort, care, support and relaxation I'm going to start having parts of my inner child coming up screaming and protesting and I'm going to have a hard time paying attention at work, I'm going to burn out and stop feeling creative and inspired and not know why" THIS WAS SUCH A BIG AHA MOMENT for me, Heidi! I've been struggling with issues relating to a complete lack of energy among other things for at least the last couple of years and now when I think about it the reason was probably that I've kind of shut down when my most deep and comforting relationship ended and immediately I went into some kind of "why bother?" mode. And I am a fearful avoidant so it makes sense. She's a dismissive avoidant and the relationship was one-sided. As an avoidant myself I was triggered into ignoring my emotional needs altogether after this sort of "break up" which then caused my inner child to protest like "Don't you see I'm hurt and you're ignoring me!" kind of way I guess by shutting down my energy to essentially fully live life 😅 You're truly a life saver, your videos have helped so much! 💚 (fyi English isn't my first language, so I hope my comment made sense lol)
Envisioning myself *as* my inner child being defended and stood-up-for by my adult self is going to be a game changer for me. I'm 41 years old and I've been in therapy most of my life, and I have never heard this suggestion before.
Same, even in my most people pleasing /fawn stages in life I would turn into a monster to defend other people. The idea of using that same energy to stand up for myself is really intriguing.
I recently realized I abandon myself from watching Jimmy on Relationships videos... he said, 'as long as I'm begging to be a priority in someone's life I am abandoning myself.' I've tolerated abandonment and neglect from others, but I definitely don't want to abandon myself!! I'm glad you're explaining more about this 😀
Heidi, in a RU-vid world full of helpful and not-that-helpful psychology and other gurus you are such a shining star. I’ve felt “aware yet stuck” for a long time and your relaxed, intelligent clarity just goes right to the heart of the matter in such a helpful way. More videos, please! (but only if it doesn’t cause you to self abandon of course 😊)
I self abandoned when I followed my ex husband on his constant career quest. I did it for our family but was threatened when I spoke up about my unhappiness. I stopped being MYSELF. It ended up causing resentment. He eventually left me with no warning. What a wasted life I had.
When I was a kid I had this 'friend' that I would always hang out with. I would come over to his house so often that I was kind of considered part of the family. In reality I hated being over there, but I didn't really have any other friends. Him and most of his family considered me to be the weird kid. That kind of image of me gave them free reign to mistreat me. I would get hit pretty regularly by his dad or uncles for doing something wrong and would also get humiliated constantly. One time when I was like 11 or 12 I had forgotten to flush the toilet so his dad grabbed me by the hair, mashed my face into a bowl of dog food, and made me open my mouth. Many times I've had my pants/shorts and underwear pulled down. It got to the point that I thought this was normal and that I deserved it. It was fine because I wasn't an actual person. I didn't have any boundaries; no one would stick up for me so neither would I. Deep down I knew it was wrong and it took its toll on me mentally. These experiences still haunt me and have set me back emotionally and socially. Self-abandonment seems helps to describe the general mentality that I have. Most of the time I feel like I can't be authentic and vulnerable or that I have to put myself down. I don't want to feel this way and I've been making progress little by little recently, but the fear to put myself out there more can be intensely overwhelming. I hope by putting this out here I can accept what happened and be more accepting and forgiving of myself.
Hectic. I am happy you are finding answers you need. You've gone through pretty horrific experiences my friend. Kudos for putting this out in to the world my guy ❤
Those people weren't normal. As in, there was something deeply wrong with that kid's entire family and here you come with no boundaries for them to pour their sickness all over. I hope you came to realize this.
Based on this video, my whole life sounds like self-abandonment. I always have to change my energy, talk myself into it, or hype myself up, for every situation. This is especially true when I have to go in public!
My whole life and Iam 64 years always never expressed what I want in social situations and abondaned myself and tried to be what is expected of me by others and that has caused internally to feel less of myself and always feel a sense of loss I don’t know what it is that I lost .I search for what it is that I lost and what Iam I supposed to find in that search.this has become daily theme now.I have regular dreams of getting lost somewhere and trying to get back kind of sense of loss.it’s always disturbing to think of the dream in the morning!
"Nothing we will ever get from the external world will ever EVER be enough to fix the wound we inflict upon ourselves when we reject our inner children." Thank you Heidi as always for your words of wisdom 🙏 This is such a powerful reminder, especially for those of us who have been shamed for being ourselves ever since we were small. I'm taking it as a call to action to defend my inner child and stand behind her even when (especially when) no one else will. She deserves someone who finally will look out for her. ❤
I’ve watched this 3 times over the last few days - it’s so true but I’m so guilty of doing this for the last 50 plus years that it’s taking to process. So grateful for this message 💜
I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I had the opportunity to choose just exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted my Son, and I didn't want to get married to my high school sweetheart, I knew I was willing to be judged, shamed, blamed, and allow my body to grow another human being. I listen to your video today and remember this as my most powerful parenting of not only myself and the well-being of my Son. As my life unfolded I recognized how self abanding I became, with work, relationships, and social circle. Since I had the skill I know how to love my inner child and I can re-group and gather building this once-practiced skill. When sharing about having a child so young I have said time and time again that was the #1 proudest I have ever been about myself. By the way, he is wonderful. Bless your wisdom and clarity
Heidi, I've been experiencing a lot of healing in the past several months by tuning into your videos. I think this one may be the most important one yet. It challenges me to listen to that long-ignored inner child, and to be true to my authentic self. Now this is not an easy ask. I am an actor - have been since very early in life - pretending my needs were met by my narcissistic mother, absent father, and abusive older brothers. I know - it wasn't really me. But it was the adaptive me. Throughout my life, people outside the family have asked to speak to my authentic self. I didn't know what they meant. So I made up a self I thought they might approve. But I am 75 now, I have to be real. It's really, really hard. I'm tired. I'll try again tomorrow - OK?
I can totally relate to what you’re going through I’m 77, and still feel like the neglected chid who’s fear of abandonment has become a reality, so I do self abandonment because I don’t feel worthy, oh all I wish is to wake up calm, I hope you get where you need to be, stay safe🙏
Often times it's the parents that cause the trauma which leads to the issues as an adult. Parents are just people and most people have no idea what they are doing. Parents are also people that we are forced into a connection with. That makes it much harder to cut them out of our lives...even when they are the most toxic people in our lives.
This is the kind of stuff I didn’t know I didn’t know until I was an adult, because my parents didn’t know that they didn’t know, because their parents didn’t know what they didn’t know, because… If you’re a new parent, or a soon-to-be-parent, or thinking about becoming a parent, some of this may have to start with you.
Asking vulnerable parts of self what they need or want… does not work most of the time. These parts just don’t know themselves. They can’t advocate for themselves. They are like children before language. They need someone who “knows” what a child needs, and to just do it.
I understand what you are saying. Does it help to reinterpret what she said as the first step taken is awareness by the adult that their is a part of them that is vulnerable and needs something.
I wish you could talk about this forever. This just turned my entire morning around. I just had to set boundaries with a family member who was not happy about it and threw some insults at me that made me feel pretty bad. After your video I feel so much better about my decision to set boundaries. I’m more confident in setting future boundaries.
Thank you! Never thought that seeking validation comes from the believe that I deserve praise for masking / adapting my behavior! I thought it came from being insecure. But this makes so much sense! Bc I don't need any outside validation for things I do naturally, even if they don't go very well. Mind.Blown. 🤯 ❤💛💚💙
Heidi, this really is it!!! Says it all. If we only need to get one thing, its this!!. I learnt about 5 years ago how to stop abandoning myself through the work of Dr Margaret Paul, Inner Bonding. Before that I really didnt know what showing up for myself looked like. It really is an ongoing practice, its such a young coping strategy to abandon yourself to be acceptable to others.
Yeh, about 3 years ago my parents glossed over decades of projection. My pain was a grudge but the pain I caused them asking not to label me paranoid sensitive etc proved I was cold-hearted... they martyred up, attacked me,shamed me, but I stood firm in my own interpretation of events and would not back down. I miss them in some ways but I feel I've finally got somebody in my corner. This didn't happen til I was in my forties. I should have done it earlier but I have somebody strong in my corner at last. My parents cannot manipulate me and that *hurts* them. What they need from me is that I'm manipulat-able. So, impasse. But I feel more peace.
@@shasmeen remember that manipulation and abuse comes from those actions that you experienced but you held on to instead of letting go and your inner child is crying out for you to acknowledge and accept your woundedness which is represented in your wounded inner child as an issue of abuse or manipulation when that comes up again in your moment do not suppress the feeling , if you're triggered welcome it and acknowledge it and accept it embrace it with value love and kindness and give it as much space as it needs feel what it brings because it's representing an issue of abuse it may be even abandonment or betrayal rejection any of those things that come up welcome them and don't run from them because those issues represent your feelings that require processing as well representing your wounded inner child who needs a parent which is you ,you are not your feelings but the parent of them, so love on them even if they are uncomfortable feelings, and so treat them with love and kindness and then what you're going to find is that issue that comes up as you impart acceptance and love upon it and value it's going to transform into healing and as that happens you will be able to accept others outside of yourself much easier and if you continue imparting that acknowledgment and acceptance whenever that or other issues come up you're going to transform your personality into healing and then it's going to come out in your actions and it's going to be fully authentic there's so much to this and it's so exciting I've been doing this for about a year now and this has been such a great life- and personality changing experience that i would not change it for the world. Blessings!
Big battle. Good on you for standing up n not backing down on defending yourself. Sad to not have such important people close in relationship. Ty for sharing your experience 🙌🏽
I have to say, amazing video. I learned about the word "self abandoning" since i was looking into attachment styles and this video had helped me answer quite a few questions I've always had with myself. My personal notes, and timestamps: 2:45 "there is no such thing as self sabotage" - it's rather a part of ourselves that is screaming for attention, trying to be heard, about a "need" you have 3:30 A rule of thumb to know if you are self abandoning or if it's just a temporary thing: ask yourself - if I take on this favour, or do this, am I going to hate myself? 4:50 Situation 1 for when we self abandon: we put ourselves in situations where we are not truly comfortable with ourselves, and we seek comfort in unhealthy ways. Ex: taking on a job you hate. 7:20 Situation 2 for when we self abandon: we decide in our heads who people want us to be, so we push aside our own needs in order to be loved/accepted/validated by others. Ask yourself: the actions you're taking right now, and the things you feel like you "should" be doing, who is it for? Who is "telling" you to do this? Is it really for yourself, or for someone else? 8:00 - "I killed off parts of myself to be accepted by people, so people owe me love and attention now, because I don't give it to myself. So where is it?" 10:30 - Heal the relationship with yourself in order to fix this. This is the first step. "I do not need to hide. I do not need to lie about who I am. I'm going to show up in the world as I actually am, and if that triggers things in other people, so long as I am being respectful of them, I'm going to leave them to deal with that in the themselves." 11:38 - Situation 3 for when we self abandon: when we fail to stand up for ourselves when we are being mistreated 13:38 - Part 2: how to stop self abandoning 12:48 - Step 1: start telling the truth (what you ACTUALLY think) as much as humanly possible. Note down what situations FORCE you to NOT tell the truth 100% (i.e. at ur job). Then, question these situations and see what you can discard (i.e. yeet urself out of those situations bro). Ex: at work, in social circles, with a partner, etc. Telling the truth will let you be more aligned with yourself, and stop telling yourself that you have to HIDE what you truly think to be ACCEPTED by others. 15:50 - Step 2: Ask yourself what is the most vulnerable (and in need) part of you right now, and what does it need? Ensure you don't abandon this part of you as these parts are at the highest risk for protest behaviour (inner parent vibes) 19:19 - Step 3: Start to really appreciate what you get out of NOT self abandoning 22:32 - Banger therapist question on drawing boundaries and "cutting" people out of your life. "This is how I, as your parent, will tolerate and not tolerate when it comes to other people treating you. Because I believe you are worthy of being treated well."
I so needed this today. I have been beating myself up and ruminating over a friendship I ended, missing her because of the fun we used to have together. "If your social circle (this woman) is comprised of people who want you to behave differently in order for them to feel comfortable around you, is that really the social circle you want to be putting yourself in?" What broke our friendship was when she repeatedly silenced me because she and some of her other friends didn't agree with my positions on a certain topic. I spent seven years not discussing it in her presence to make her comfortable. I now realize that she didn't care if it made me uncomfortable to swallow such a big part of myself. I think I need to repeat what you said: "If your social circle (this person) is comprised of people who want you to behave differently in order for them to feel comfortable around you, is that really the social circle you want to be putting yourself in?" And I need to keep repeating it until I stop missing that lopsided friendship. Thank you for this.
"There's another way to live life which is way, way better." This hit me really hard. I can't believe how simple words soothes me like from the inside out. Thank you for letting us take another footstep in the right direction :)
Heidi, more of this please. What impacted me was your examples of watching my own child or grandchild of being verbally abused and how readily I would step in on it, but not for my inner child. I need to listen to this a couple more times. I need to forward it to my niece as well. Thank you
So helpful, as always. I always recommend your videos to people I encounter who’ve experienced childhood neglect/trauma. It’s odd- one thing I did like about my mom was how she went to bat for her kids. One time a pastor made me cry at a youth car wash, and my mother chewed him out. That meant a lot to me- unfortunately, she couldn’t defend me from herself.
This makes a lot of sense. I feel like I need a lot of guidance on how to do this while living in a collectivist culture/family, where self-sacrifice is a basic requirement for having any kind of support.
Hello! I’m not a professional or anything and it’s been a month but- the number one piece of advice I’d give off the cuff is to seek out relationships with people who will respect your needs when you say no, even if that means finding support outside your current community/family. Having any kind of support network can give you the confidence that you won’t loose everything by challenging the status quo and can operate as a real safety net. Please don’t dismiss and instead address your worries before stepping out in ways that feel unsafe. Have backup plans, cope-ahead, build confidence that you are capable to support yourself. This is another part of standing up for your inner child and not abandoning parts of yourself. Good luck!
This was so helpful. I just broke up with someone who didn't respect me, my preferences, and our plans. Seeing this video made me wish I'd done it sooner, but this was much-needed confirmation that it was the right choice. A good parent would never have let things get so out of hand. Thank you.
I needed this today. I have a family member who is speaking to me in a disrespectful way. Then when I stood up for myself they told me that is my interpretation rather than acknowledging that how and what they where saying didn’t feel good to me. We have been texting back and forth. I feel gaslit. I have done what I can to speak my truth and my experience. I felt like not speaking up was self abandonment. 💔💔💔
one thing I've noticed is that emotions don't come from a vacuum. Our self identity is part of our inherited nature and part of the environment we live in. No one feels something out of nothing, it's already there.
Thank you very much for this Heidi. I wish I have listened to this a long long time ago. I did not realize that is what I have been doing by default. I am retired now and only "working" to get myself back. I may be old now but I am still learning about myself and needed this talk. I know it will be a difficult journey for me but I am determined to be mindful to find myself and be a trustworthy person. My childhood has been extremely tough but fortunately, I have done well all my working life (for others' successes) but unfortunately all my life I have been giving in to others and being an extreme "People pleaser" at the expense of losing myself and sacrificing my loved one. I am determined to make it right for myself and my loved ones.
Unfortunately, our society demands that we do this all the time. I have been talked to about my exuberance, my joy, my wonder, my love of life and asked to shut that off more times than I can count, and if I don't, I lose my job, and if I lose my job, I lose everything. Knowing full well I was not showing up for myself, I did it anyway because in the moment, the cost to Be myself was too high. I have done that for so many years that I am a mess now. I was far healthier about all this when I was younger. I know you talk a lot about one on one relationships, and what you are saying is Brilliant, and I am learning a ton. But what if what you are abandoning in yourself are Good things that simply don't fit in the workplace or cause embarassment because of a culture that wants to downplay joy? How does someone in poverty be their authentic selves if it means they lose the roof over their heads? "Please put your personality in a smaller box; it's really bright." "It is embarassing to me when you have to stop and excitedly smell flowers planted by the city on the sidewalk, please stop doing that, everyone is looking at us." "Your work ethic is excellent, and your attention to detail is amazing. You have the highest score of any employee for output. We would prefer you to have a more average approach to things. It makes my job harder if you excell to this extent." These are real things said to me. When we abandon ourselves, we start asking others to abandon themselves, and in a world in which those people are in charge.... what does one do to hold on?
I love this and love your work. ❤️ I do, however, disagree with the notion of self-sabotage. I'm a certified hypnotherapist and I have to explain to my clients who wish to make changes, such as that to stop smoking or release weight, etc. our connected behaviors at certain times (coffee & a cigarette, eating due to stress) are responses that become habits. Habits create an entanglement of neuropathways in our brains, much like a cord braiding itself. When we begin responding differently those pathways have to begin to pull apart and reconnect which is the biological process of creating new habits. Cortisol (our stress hormone) is released in this process, which creates a resistance to this new change, even change for the better. This is our Primitive Mind, solely based on survival instinct, working to keep us safe. As our P.M. doesn't have the ability to reason it only knows existing habits keep us safe and there is potential "danger" in the unknown. So this biological process is perfect for us except in cases of positive change. But if we recognize it when it's happening, we can literally THANK ourselves for trying to keep us safe but say "that no longer serves me well. I am SAFE to choose this instead...and back up the thought with positive emotion toward the new decision and that will quickly quiet the anxiety our brains produce to try to resist change for our own good. But this is an actual event in our physical bodies that causes resistance to change, even change for the better, that we refer to as "self-sabotage" . But I think, like anything, if we recognize what is happening behind the scenes, where it's coming from, we realize it isn't sabotage, it's our beautiful design to keep us ALIVE. We can bless it and continue the change to new and better habits. God bless ❤️ keep up the beautiful work you do Heidi girl ❤️
Thank you for posting this. I have recently been reading about habits and the process of changing them, how it physically feels in the body and it has made such a difference in actualising my desire to change myself by paying attention to my body, in addition to the mind.
My entire high school, college and the majority of my adult life thus far has been to make sure everyone else is okay. I severely abandoned myself because it was unsafe to be honest. Not just physically unsafe, but unsafe because of being rejected by my family of origin, ridiculed by 'friends,' and being generally thought of poorly by others. So I placated. I dated lowlifes to be the 'wingman' to my friends. I held on to people and defended people who did nothing but exploit me. I became afraid of abandonment. I was fearful of letting other people go. So I purposely tried to force them to break up with me. I married two men I didn't want to marry, because they met the superficial criteria that my n-mom and e-dad decided was right for me. They both treated me horribly. So therefore, I accepted that I was flawed and defective.
Oh man so many good points! The piece that really clicked that I hadn't encountered elsewhere which you've brought up in other videos - differentiating between adaptive vs healthy. It's a such a clear way to notice your behaviors to ask yourself - "where am I lying bc it's adaptive?" And like, adding that adaptive piece really allows it to not be a shame based question where we have to immediately force ourselves to start telling the truth if it might, to your point, get you fired or badly hurt in some way. But it's totally something important to notice and strategize around.
This is such a wonderful message, and exactly what I needed! I've realized recently in therapy that self-abandonment has been a major pattern of my life, especially in romantic relationships, but also in others. I think a lot of queer people struggle with self abandonment, since for many of us, we felt that we had to pretend we were something other than ourselves to survive, be loved, or socially accepted. This pattern for me I think extends all the way back to my childhood, where I felt increasing pressure to be feminine (I'm a trans man). I got attention and love for fulfilling a binary expectation, but it conditioned me to the pattern of feeling like I'd never be loved for who I truly was. I developed codependent habits and threw my own needs away to give whatever I could to others to receive affection. This anxiety over never feeling 'good enough to love' was, I think, because I never felt I was ever free to be authentically myself. I couldn't be what I thought others wanted me to be. This concept of being responsible for the protection of the child inside of us is so powerful for me, because when I was a child I felt completely hopeless, alone, and unlovable. If I could know that child now and hold him and tell him, "you are so darling to this world, so precious and good, and you are worthy of wonder and love in your life. Never ever accept anything less. I will always be with you and I will never let you feel alone again. I will never let anyone be cruel to you again. I will celebrate all that you are. Every strength of yours and every weakness is lovable. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. You don't have to be what others want you to be. You just have to be kind."
this is beautifully written. as a fellow trans man, I needed to read this. loving that self is hard not bc they're unlovable but you really have to leave behind so much doubt fed to you from an early age.
So true, depending on who raised you, being ostracized, oppressed by even a gambling addictive family will leave you shook all because that addiction is the same as a crack head in behavior. They will gas light you to protect their own confidence and compete and suppress the inner righteous child in you, blowing your inner light out. This truth of awareness she speaks of will allow you to stay Lit🔥🔥🔥 and Grow into Truth! Just Beautiful💚📶🔋
Bloody hell, your therapist is good. I love the examples you provided about the adult and inner child. I look back on a situation last year where i struggled to express my needs and long story short, that probably accelerated the demise of a relationship. Time and time sgain, ive looked back on the situation and how i should have handled it but without being entirely sure i wouldn't repeat the same mistake. But the dialectical approach where you consider the voice of the inner child and of the adult, but opt to nurture the most vulnerable part of you, finally gives me a method for how i could resolve this in the future. Orherwise i can be stuck in a dilemma of being unsure whether expressing my needs is being needy, but then feeling increasingly anxious because i dont. So thanks, another great video. And much respect for how open and vulnerable youre prepared to be.
Compelled to say how much I appreciate Heidi's frequent acknowledgments of how tough all of these issues/attempts-to-make-change/challenges/etc. are. I know I need to have that underlined & highlighted for me. Imagine I'm not the only one. Observation: as my inner-critic currently tugs at me to stop writing this and opines that I "should" have been able to do this by myself years ago, I'm quite certain I will need reminders many more times that this is hard, hard work. 🙏 Heidi!
Incredible info. Just started my journey about a month ago, I heard someone on TikTok refer to this as “self erasure” which I really enjoyed. Nonetheless, when your attention turns to the times that you abandon yourself and start to take stock of those moments in real time, it’s Amazing the amount of times/time I’ve found I’ve been doing this.. here’s to moving forward. Grace and peace friends 🖤😎
I think you should go on forever about this! As you say, it is particularly relevant for healing attachment wounding. I can’t begin to describe how much I feel I need guidance and book titles on this subject. Last week I had a situation that is typical in how lost I feel. I was working in the reception area of a church nearby, trying to read. A woman I have spoken to briefly one or two times invited me to join a yoga class that was to be held inside the church. She was very enthusiastic and although I didn’t accept the invitation explicitly I didn’t say no either. I was aware that I wasn’t being super clear about my not wanting to participate, but I was trying to be polite and it was so nice of her to invite me and make the effort. I felt I would disappoint her and hurt her feelings if I said no. But besides not wanting to join the class when I was in the middle of reading and being focused, I also didn’t want to join because the woman teaching it was someone whom I dislike and did not want to interact with. At that moment I was so confused because I had no idea if I was being avoidant, impolite, or antisocial by not taking the opportunity to increase my social circle, etc., or if I was succeeding in listening to my inner child and setting some kind of boundary albeit incredibly imperfectly. Eventually, when the woman who had invited me went to change into yoga clothes, I took my things and left. I thought about it during the weekend and felt I must have done the wrong thing. But I also felt a little resentful toward the woman who invited me for putting me in that situation and not listening to me when I tried to convey that I had had a difficult and sensitive situation with the teacher leading the class. Today when I met the woman who extended the invitation, I had no idea whether to apologize or not, or whether to mention what happened or not. I feel like a securely attached person would have felt entirely comfortable saying no and would not have apologized after the fact or felt guilt. Maybe the problem was that I didn’t communicate properly my needs and if I had, things would have been fine. But how can I articulate my needs in a situation like this that is unexpected, and when I don’t feel like I can tell if my needs are real and valid, or if I am just coming up with excuses to avoid new social situations?
I’m sobbing. You did it. You put it into words for me. Finally. I remember telling my mom a couple of times in my childhood that I just wanted to be myself. She kept saying what do you mean 😪
You blowed my mind twice in this video. The metaphor of 4 year old and 10 year old child solved my biggest confusing these days. THANK YOU SO MUCH Heidi!!!
SO helpful...thank you... I have not been taking care of myself for a LONG time...I am abusing myself FOR THEM....since I grew up as the scapegoat... But finally walked away from the ACTUAL abusers... and did not start taking care of myself like I used to take good care of the demanding abusers.
I am at a place where I struggle to be present and somehow always end up freezing because of it, resorting to pain, depression, use, just an overall disconnection from what I can do right now. So I always end up running away from self-love and smoking, eating, binging content, all to throw smoke at my inner child, dumb and numb myself down because I'm scared, constantly in a state of CPTSD alertness. Fortunately I am also at a place right now where that is not the only part of me, where I can recognize that is just an endless loop of energy dispersion, and at least say I know there are better ways to function, ways that are not Mal-adaptive. That said as we say in Italian "tra il dire e il fare c'è di mezzo il mare", - there is a sea between saying something and actually doing it -, but every day at least is starting to hold a chance to be me in my perception. I can love myself, respect myself, and do all the fine things you talked about in this video, but it's like I forget most other times. It's a process, and my addictive personality and masochistic side sure don't help because my comfort is pain in a way so that is taking its due time being processed through therapy and trying to just live and look for life instead of isolation ecc... I definitely just used this video and comment section as a reminder of what I have to do for myself, plus today my therapist wrote to me saying she can't be there so I'm glad to have seen this video, hopefully I can be more productive today and remember to resist that initial discomfort a little more every day, because I want to heal.
I'm so impressed by how succinctly you are sharing information in a way that's giving me multiple "ahHah" moments. I have read hundreds of books and taught classes on boundaries and inner child healing. I absolutely love your style and way of sharing information. It is perfect for me. Thank you so much!
The best and most cohesive presentation I’ve yet seen on this family of related topics, boundaries, self knowledge and self-respect, self-care, parenting, inner-parenting, need acknowledgement, respect for others, centeredness, inner flow states, creativity, basic human kindness, acting with and from integrity, heck even world peace, it’s all related…it’s brilliant how you tied them all together. Thank you Heidi, this kind of integration is just what I’m working on right now and feeling it in my own way, but seeing it all connected in this way, especially as a big picture person who needs this kind of integration, this is just perfect for me and will definitely speed up my inner work. Much joy and aloha to you. Subscribed.
This is the second time I listened to this video. My knowledge base has increased so significantly that while I listened the second time I was able to observe the difference from the first time I listened. I was able to really tune in and understand the processes you were explaining in a very present and engaged manner. I got chills listening to the part where you imagined having your parent stand up for you and not allow anyone to be abusive or disrespectful. I recently cut the fee remaining ties to my family of origin. One was with my adult son which is not an easy thing to do considering I'm estranged from my two daughters. Now I have no kids at all. Which Ii now realise is a blessing at this time. My son wouldn't stop being disrespectful and abusive and I'm happy to say I didn't shed any tears over creating boundaries and when u shared that story at the end I got chills and I felt a rush of admiration for standing up for that little girl that nobody had been able to stand up for. That's why I got chills. I also cut off my relationship with my sister. I have a large family and she is the only one who speaks to me which highligts the fact that I've been excommunicated by a bunch of generationally traumatized and dysfunctional people. I would like to continue to have my sister in my life because of the comfort of familiarity however it is also hurtful to communicate with her and listen to stories of the family I've been cast out of. That mixed with needing to avoid most of what I'm familiar with so that I can let go of my unconscious habits and beliefs more easily. Since they are unconscious I am unaware of them until i become aware of them and this has been possible because I am consciously choosing to do nothing at all so that my familiar patterns end. (I'm in my own apartment for a year after being homeless for 8 years). I have spent this year isolated from everything n everyone. It's been painfully lonely so I was able to practice self compassion and show myself love and gratitude and to demonstrate to myself that I find myself worthy of sitting with for as long as it takes to allow me to discover what I like and to allow myself to choose what I will or won't do. I'm not putting on a show to get external validation. I still crave validation and I crave high approval ratings for everything I do so I am giving myself high approval ratings and I have turned myself into the source of my own validation. It doesn't have the same intoxicating feeling as I get from public approval and that makes me know it's a healthier source of validation. When anything is intoxicating I can know that it's a behaviour I practiced to help myself cope with my state of disconnected loneliness that had fueled the need for me to self medicate with substances and behaviours. Learning about these things had helped me to really accept myself as well as develop a strong pride in mysf because I know how difficult it was to get to where I am today. I don't think I know many people thatcould accomplish what I've accomplished. I have so much self confidence and I have uncovered an strength I possess that I had been blind to. My gratitude for you and a handful of other content providers is so profound I cannot even do justice with words trying to describe how much I appreciate you taking your time to share your knowledge. If it weren't for you and a few other people I would still be homeless and I'd still be in a miserable relationship that wasn't even a relationship crying over my needs not being met but unable to leave the person who couldn't meet my needs LOL. Oh my God. I was stuck in unhealthy attachments for over 50 years! I' feel like I got out of prison and I'm in a halfway house getting ready for reentry into the world. This time I'll be entering the world as an autonomous capable functioning adult. When I left the world I was a 47 year old 13 year old 11 year old unless I was tired or freaked out at which point had the emotional control of an infant and would cry hysterically until my husband displayed the appropriate amount of love and concern for me. At times I think of him as very abusive and times I see a man with the patients of a saint. It's painful to see how I treated the people I loved most. My genuine love and sincere regret for the pain my ignorance and dysfunction caused the people that loved me the most fuels my ability to overcome thos cycle. It's not enough to say I broke a cycle of abuse or whatever cycle one might break. It's relatively easy to break a cycle. Creating a new cycle that propels me outta that loop I was stuck inis what's nessecsry to prevent that cycle from repeating itself. I take the decision to bring life into this world very seriously and I feel that I am Responsible for doing everything in my power to undue the bad example I had been setting for my children by setting a new example. My children didn't ask to be brought to this planet. I chose to create life while I was completely ignorant as to what life is. When I became aware of my ignorance and when I realized my complete lack of parenting skills it became my obligation to correct myself. What started out as a way to try n erase the poor example I had made and to give my children an example that if they followed in my footsteps I would have no worries blossomed me into a confident autonomous adult. I no longer feel like I have to make excuses for myself and I no longer feel I have to apologise for being here. I am so confident and driven by my internal goals and selfish motivations which is unbelievable. I had neglected myself for so long I pretty much ceased to exist. It's reflected in the absence of my entire family. My ability to understand why I had to endure very difficult and challenging experiences had helped me let go of my anger at whoever had attached me. Now I see the attack as being rescued. I'm so very grateful for acquiring the experience and knowledge that allows me to accept things I don't understand and REALISE that my lack of understanding or even my disagreeing with something does not make something wrong. So I've become much more adaptable and flexible which in the height of my ignorance was not at all possible. You will never meet anyone who knows more facts than an ignorant person. I'm very proud that I was able to get enough knowledge to allow me to let go of all my facts and as I create this new cycle it will be one that is filled with a theme of taking time to introspect on things I feel averse to and REALISE that this aversion is stemming from missing knowledge or false beliefs. I want a cycle that leads my entire family to a new timeline where our authentic self, our pretrauma selves are actively engaged and have strong influence over social issues. For example ending the practice of criminalizing ignorance and making real knowledge accessible to everyone. I see a world where autonomy is always encouraged and rescuing and care taking have swift interventions. I could go on and on LOL Anyhow thank you for helping bring me back to life.
Thankyou. This video has brought together other people I listen too. I am very capable physically and other people have huge expectations of me. Being a kind person has its downside
This was very enlightening. I had realized that I had tendencies to think negatively about myself, but this whole inner child concept really made me realize how I was hurting myself, and I can use this to not abandon myself to automatic negative thinking. I’m going to treat myself as if I was my own son, I would fight the kiss army for that kid.
Probably the best video Ive watched on this topic❤For me it’s being a single mom barely having time to breathe. Time management and setting aside time for myself took about 6 months to learn and fully implement
Thank you Heidi. I grew up in a home where we had no say in anything and have struggled to set my boundaries and stand up for what is important to me. The encouragement is important for me to continue to stand up in areas I still struggle with. Thanks!
I found your channel one week ago and wish to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the incredible healing and comprehension you are giving. So grateful Heidi
This video reminds me of a feeling I don’t really get anymore, when I was in highschool. And all my friends were social, and up to grades. I was social too, but sometimes I’d just be see as weird and I would feel shock to the point of tears when people would show genuine care for me. I would take breaks to cry in the bathroom asking myself what was wrong with me, why can’t I focus, why don’t I get it, why can’t I be “normal” around people. My mom would often call simple behaviors weird when I was little such as crying or being too angry when standing up for myself. Now I can see, from her perspective and background, why she’d maybe want me to grow up not sensitive but sometimes it was just telling me to conform to other peoples expectations. This video made me realize I have a lot of work to do, which is why it probably made me feel such a significant feeling again. Actually, I’ve been feeling this a lot, I just haven’t been able to identify until now. I watched another video on this but I didn’t really understand until now, Thank you so much ❤
I feel cared about when I listen to you. You acknowledge and validate my struggles, going as far as providing guidance and insights. Thank you for showing up for yourself and for us. You are indeed a cool person to be around with and I appreciate you. 😁
I happened to scroll on your video and immediately pressed play! I’ve been struggle with this and I could be doing better at honoring my needs. Even something simple as taking myself to that coffee shop I’ve been wanting to try is hard for me to do. Now I understand why: it’s learned behavior and I need to keep working on new behavior. I have seen some progress in this area, I feel like I easily slip into the old behavior if I don’t make it a point to honor time spent on myself. If I take care of myself I’ll draw better friends, which I see happening already but I need encouragement to keep working through the moments when I don’t feel motivated. So thank you for this video and sharing your therapist’s tip with the internet ❤
You go, Heidi!! You are such a gift! Love how you are standing up for & empowering the vulnerable parts of yourself & teaching others to do the same! You are an inspiration, Heidi. Time for me to stand up & protect the vulnerable parts of me! Thank you, Heidi!
This is the most comprehensive and easy to follow video about setting boundaries. This is a lot coming from a 43 year old woman with ADHD. Thank you so much for sharing this! ❤️👑
“I, as your parent , will tolerate and not tolerate when it comes to how other people treat you” “because i believe you’re worthy of being treated well” damn that part made me cry 😭 ❤
my dearest friend told me about you. Thank you for doing this work and then helping others to see their own issues, and putting it in a way that is easy to understand. I love learning about myself and I truly am one who self-abandons. This will not be easy for me to correct but I know the pay off is going to be so amazing. I start today! xo
Heidi You have nailed it again! This is a very full & comprehensive guide to self-abandonment, detailing where it begins to how it EXACTLY appears later on in life. Your words paint a vivid and clear picture.... "leaving our whole self at the door".... this helps so much in recognizing and taking action. It's so relatable and the advice can be immediately implemented by simply protecting and safeguarding your inner child. Thank you.... you have done a lot for me in this one video. Blessings
my problem is in relationships, I feel like I can't say if something is bothering me as if I do then my partner will leave or go off me. I think this then makes me become needy. I really want to stop this as it is ruining every relationship that I have.
These videos are so powerful in helping me understand in actual words the unhealthy mindset that I have been trying to overcome. Thank you, and keep these videos coming!
This information is SO PROFOUND. I will need to come back to this video so I can fully process all that is presented here. I will be able to take better care of myself once I understand these concepts. This IS EXCITING!!!🥳 Thank you Heidi for sharing this in such a clear way 🥰
Super helpful. Really appreciate the clarification of self abandonment, leaving yourself & best interests to placate external factors, relationships, cultural norms, job etc. Also, love the analogy about the parent needs to make sacrifices for the best interest for their children sometimes. So it's not bad to want to do certain things, it's realizing that the needs of our inner children need to come first in certain situations. I kept hoping that I would stop wanting certain things. Thanks again! 😍
22:33 that literally brought me to tears, in a very good way. for the first time in quite a while. thanks again, i really appreciate your work. and that of your therapist who is, through you, also helping us, folks from far away who neither of you will probably ever see.
I am STUCK in the resentment and burnout zone because I feel that I’ve sacrificed everything for people. I don’t care but at the same time I feel extremely guilty and don’t know how to handle it. I just want to close myself off from everyone and everything.
I have a tendency to shut down when I feel that inner tension. I like this about being honest with yourself. With my ADHD, it can be tough in particular to finish writing assignments, even if (maybe especially if) I am passionate about the topic or want something to be better. I guess the perfectionism is still strong, these things are tough where you feel like you've worked on it already so you should be good. Anyways, for me I'm thinking about how what I bring to the table means more than what I want to take away. It might be long and kind of confusing, but it's something I care about that needs to be synthesized and expressed. I think honoring that and following through would be good for me to do when I have thoughts that matter. Thanks for the video
Wow I’d never thought to frame it like that… if anyone spoke to my kids like that I would definitely speak up for them, so I need to imagine myself as one of them in order to reparent myself ❤
Thank you so much for this. I feel that self abandonment is praised though people may not be aware. It is like prioritising your needs is deemed "selfish". I am learning to let go of those opinions and beliefs.
This was good, but there's one part that really bothered me. I have had to abandon parts of myself in work for survival. I'm a single mom with two kids. My job choices aren't about seeking prestige or the like (as you mentioned in the video). I'm not abandoning bc I want to. I know it doesn't fit, and I've tried many different jobs/career paths, but there hasn't been anywhere I feel relaxed and authentic. So it's not just about ego. I need to keep going so my kids have food and shelter. There's a lot of context missing here!
I abounded huge part of myself my whoooole life and viewed that as a norm. Worked with outcomes for several years and started to open up for half of the year and that felt Soo good. That video summed it up so greatly and structured, thank u so much for that. I work without therapist so nobody could tell me what you told. Decided to make my twenties all about freedom and inner power, inner will (Ukrainian Vol'ya), not about struggling to get a degree abroad to be cool. Because building fake images is not cool. Being your vol'na self is a key. Now i see it with my whole inner work picture and wow. Just wow, I'm so right and i will not stop
Thank you for making this video Heidi. Last night I cried my eyes out again. I did not understand why - other than the fact that I am depressed and trying to really deal with it. But your video actually helps. As I listened to it I could see my mind bringing back flashbacks of all the times in which I betrayed myself. And that's the reason why for all this sadness, since the start. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Proposition to all: Couldn't we form a support goup in this together?! Those of us who aren't up to or able to do mit all alone. Structured, self-disciplinedly, but freely speaking our souls and work assignments and -results to each other. On a Zoom platform. Taking turns chairing /leading it, weekly or bi-weekly. An internationally good time. We might hear Heidi's fine video talks as inspiration and indirect support. Does it need considering? Let us do it ! Start healing and loving the precious abandoned child within. Let me hear what you think. - With love.
