Agree so much with that childhood part! All my childhood I couldn't wait to be a grown up so no one can tell me what to do and to live alone. I never get it when people say they miss being a carefree child, I'm happy to work and pay bills and do all the boring responsible adulting stuff because it gives me full control over my life :)
When I first saw the series with the blindspots, I thought „There are no blindspots to 8s“ 😇😉 After watching, I think „there are no blind spots, just spots we do not bother to watch“ 🤣
Oh yes....well if no one else is gonna do it, I’m just going to have to do it even if I don’t really want to. There is a need and so I will try and do it.
I'm married to an 8w7 (28yrs). I'm watching these videos at the recommendation of our marriage counselor so that I can better understand and speak to him well even though I feel hurt by many of the behaviors described here. As I come to understand that loving an 8 the way he needs, the flare-ups happen less often as I speak to and encourage his strength when he uses it in a balanced way. As a 6w5, it goes against my nature to set aside the hurts and do this. Yet, I can only hope he will, one day, do the same for me. Thank you for this great resource!
Blind spots: 1. Cannot to be soft, weak or vulnerable, trust issues, too independent 2. Reacting vs Responding 3. Less empathy towards others 4. Expecting too much from others 5. Protecting the weak & vulnerable as you project your vulnerabilities onto others 6. Unable to forgive & move on, seeking revenge
Maybe you don’t need to fight all the battles. Maybe you need to see both sides. But when there is complacency it drives me nuts. Someone please do something. I don’t wanna be the one doing it all or being the martyr all the time but waiting for someone else to tackle the problem is hard. 🤣
yup. I had to quit my job at a preschool for kids with disabilities when the pandemic hit because nobody in administration cared enough to enforce basic hygiene practices in addition to enforcing covid guidelines and I talked to every higher up that I could to ask why they weren't doing their part to keep these immunocompromised high risk kids from getting sick and why I felt like I was the only one telling teachers shit they should already know, like don't take your mask down to kiss a child with a fever who isn't even in your classroom because you could cross-contaminate and bring covid into your classroom of kids too young to wear masks. The complacency and ignorance broke me and I got super unhealthy and stressed the fuck out and tried to control every tiny variable and paint that picture to every boss and administrator and eventually, I just had to peace out and quit. When nobody else is trying to protect an at risk group, 8s do everything in their power to protect them. And yeah I'm disabled so yes I was in a way trying to fight for them as a way of fighting for myself when others didn't, but not consciously. It just pisses me off when others don't care to act. We take on the group project because others don't care enough to do it right.
I am an 8 and I am tied with type 5 .... I constantly live in the eye of a hurricane. This gives the illusion that I am a type 9. A laid back easy going person. I really am not, but there is a cost/benefit scale that says if you use intensity right now it will not benefit anyone one. Be careful. The sensitive types do not easily see the difference between anger and intensity. Something I find interesting is that many people think of 8s as angry 😠 . Internally, however, I don't usually experience anger, I feel intense. 8s don't have to feel angry to go after something. That idea comes from people who have to work up anger in order to speak up. 8 have no need to do that. Speaking up is default for us. If I go to lift something heavy it takes a lot of energy, force. That effort is intense. It's power. That kind of psychological effort is a default to an 8. What does make an 8 angry is the transference that other types do because they can't experience intensity outside of the emotion of anger. I'll explain. The difference between intensity and anger is that intensity is not centered in emotions. It's centered in need, desire, and potential. The electrons need the protons, and a lightning bolt was created. Recognized potential automatically fulfills it. To an 8: If the tire leaks... FIX IT... Don't cry about... don't go theropy about it, don't have committees to discuss it... don't philosophize about it. FIX IT. And please don't say I am angry because I don't want to participate in a group think every time there is a problem. The existence of a problem is the potential to solve the problem. Obviously this can't work all of the time, but I am not trying to sell this as a virtue. I am showing how intensity isn't anger Intensity is potential. Some circles call this lust, which it is. But that's such a messy term. The word Desire is almost fitting. But the word Need is a better word. Desire implies a psychological context that does not apply to the word Need. Potential is the best word. This is the constant state of mind that an 8 lives in. It's where the problem creates the solution. Tire broken/Fix Tire In my experience it isn't anger. It isn't a feeling at all. It's living in a constant state of outward connection. I feel it manifested in something as simple as most of the time, being completely aware of my surroundings. 8s are often confused when asked why they are angry. And though I am sure there are angery 8s. Many are experiencing our potential state as anger, not realizing that potential is intense but unemotional.
This is extremely accurate. I only really get angry and express it when people aren't listening to me when I say "the tire is flat, it needs air." People like to internalize and ignore problems until it's too late. Or they act as if acknowledging a problem or assigning blame solves the problem. But only doing solves. I think also that so many people live their life doing nothing but mindless chatter. Saying words for the sake of saying words. When a type 8 comes in and shows authenticity, that must mean they are angry because why aren't they following the chitter chatter script? Only angry people deviate from shallow talk in their eyes.
Relatable even though I am a 5. My husband is an 8 and he's worn off on me, plus the 5's path of integration is towards the 8. If I'm speaking intensely about something, that means it's important information. I'm putting it in italics because I want these words to have an effect and get the point across if at all possible. I do want these words to be actionable. "Take this information and use it to improve your life." Occasionally there is some frustration but for me, as a 5, that's because I don't like feeling cornered into spewing all this research on someone who insisted on a verbal duel that I knew they were about to lose, if they had enough sense to recognize when someone else has studied a topic more than they have and should be listened to. I would have rather been left alone.
The hardest lesson life dealt is when I came across the expression "you get more bees with honey than vinegar".. from caustic relationships to.. less stress etc...
Now Camouflage in my gen X case. Think Paul Numan in Hombre ! "Russell where you going you can't leave all these people back here"? " I got a question for you" ? "How you going to get back down that Hill" Pretty much sums it up
My therapist suggested I find out my enneagram number and here I am 😁😅...I'm so happy I've come across your channel. I'm an 8 INFJ...are all INFJs 8s? I'm so fricken intrigued 🤔. Thank you for these videos ✨️💖
Good stuff Dr Tom. I feel excused by nature. :) Thanks for the tips, my sledgehammer is not always needed. I will try to see if there's a door instead of breaking through the wall.
The problem with being softer is that there are so many people that blatantly ignore their problems/reality and internalize everything. Some people literally only acknowledge reality when they are yelled at and these same people can cause serious problems for their families.
ENFJ 8w7 social 💪😁 So for all there, out there, we are not all so scary as it’s sounds. 👀😜I looked like 2 so much, but I know I am not. So , we are all different! And btw ‘justice’ is my favourite word 🙋♀️🤝🙏👌😃
Thank you, soooooo much for really explaining what's going on inside my brain. You really get me lol. I really appreciate you. I am like the hulk; and I want to manage all that RAGE to have healthier relationships with everyone around me lol. 😤😡😅🙃☺️🙏🏼
As an 8, I believe that you are more bringing unhealthy but also immature ones. I would like to hear more about the transformation the healthy 8. Not that we should not hear about our "negatives" side but still. I also want to say that from my point of you, 2 and 4 are annoying to people but we tend act with them like little fragile things that are going to break and so no one tells them the truth but people have no problem bashing on 8 sometimes for less important things.
Unhealthy 8s unfortunately are also likely to be punching at their child and/or spouse to feel puffed up and strong (physically, verbally, emotionally), not just a metaphorical punching bag. A big unhealthy type 8 blindspot is denial - they cannot see themselves clearly and put the blame on others to avoid taking personal responsibility, which would mean being vulnerable to admitting their mistakes. My dad literally once was shouting at the top of his lungs, "ASK ANYONE IF I'M AN ANGRY PERSON!" while in his normal rage mode for the next 20 minutes or so. It's always someone else's fault for not understanding them (even their own small child!!) and not doing what they want them to do, or not seeing them as the heroically perfect person they believe themselves to be. They change the rules as it suits them and expect that you know. They challenge you on everything, even reasonable, healthy feedback on how their behavior is hurting you. They go into rage mode over tiny normal things in life. Another blindspot is conveniently forgetting their abusive actions and/or insisting it's your fault, or that they did it "for your own good." Another blindspot is that they don't realize they express all their emotions as anger. You're right about not thinking about how they affect others...like, AT ALL. And, then they don't understand why the people they've abused hate them, and again act like it's those people's fault and THOSE people are the traitors/betrayers. So, they're blind to how others perceive them and how others feel - they honestly do NOT care about these things until they're literally losing their loved ones, and then blame them for being ungrateful - anything to not take the blame. I stay away from anyone who seems like an even remotely unhealthy 8...I've had more than enough of that. I'm sorry if this comment offends anyone who is a healthier 8 - I'm sure there are many 8s doing their inner work and who DO embody the protector rather than the bully/sadist - but the unhealthy side of this type is what I've known and dealt with, and gave me C-PTSD. I don't think it's talked about seriously enough. It's not just "oh he's puffing himself up" - it's literally an abusive, highly defended person with whom it's impossible to have a real relationship. Others did not see this side of my father except me and my mom. Just be careful and know this person will not change just because you love them. They do not care about your feelings or your views, they want obedience at all costs. Again, not hating on the healthy 8s but lets get real about what an unhealthy 8 truly looks like.
@@Melitta-zx4sf Yes, their conditioning and trauma responses complement each other perfectly. He has mellowed a lot in the past few years (in his old age) and my mom considers their relationship good, even if it's toxic in a lot of ways. I just want to make sure people understand that unhealthy 8s can be actually abusive, physically and/or verbally and emotionally. All types can be, but I feel like it's possibly more common with 8s. I feel like a lot of Enneagram educators tiptoe around just how destructive their constant unpredictable anger can be and make it sound like they're still 'protectors' etc. and this feeds into the 8s strong denial mechanism. As a child growing up with a caretaker like that, it was traumatic, period.
@@Melitta-zx4sf She is a 6w7 SP. 6s like the authority of 8s, because she feels secure with his tough, loyal, masculine energy, and she even seems to enjoy over analyzing his behavior and staying in a state of confusion about the powerful, complicated man. To me he's not that complicated, just learn about 8. lol But she doesn't seem to want to have an answer, just to always been confused and analyzing which I guess has kept her intrigued for all these years. I am a 4w5 SP/SX. I think things could've been different if my mom had the guts to stand up to him and force him to go to therapy or anger management. The only way she could've done that though is by threatening to leave and possibly actually leaving for awhile, which as a 6 she was just not willing to do...plus he has supported both of us financially the entire time (still), so she didn't want to be a single mom...I can understand it, but yeah, extremely stressful as a highly sensitive, empathic, psychic sponge 4w5 child. I'm still healing my nervous system and learning it can be safe to be myself in the world (I'm in my mid-30s). If your husband/partner has any willingness to change his behavior, it could work with professional help. I'm learning a little about dog training at the moment preparing to adopt a dog, and honestly the same principles seem to apply to unhealthy 8s who are trying to dominate everyone. It's kind of like having a badly behaved dominant dog in the house biting everyone and barking all the time, doing whatever he wants when he wants. You have to assert your own authority and train him to respect you and your space. An unhealthy 8 who doesn't respect you will bully you and try to break you. He will keep pushing you to your limit and beyond to see what you're made of. If he respects you he will back down more easily. 8s respect people who stand up for themselves and don't let themselves be pushed around...maybe they smell fear? Anyway, an aggressive alpha in the house (as opposed to a healthy alpha leader) is no bueno. I'm sorry you're in that situation but at least you have awareness of it, as well as Enneagram as a tool!! My dad was actually very open to Enneagram and felt proud to be an 8. He even asked what he could do to grow as an 8!!!! That was the most growth-oriented comment he has ever made in his life (he's 77!) so...idk if your partner would be interested in reading about his type, that might be a door into some self-awareness.
@@aquarius1986 Interesting, your mom being a 6w7. I've heard about how some sixes can be blinded in relationships. My husband does know he's an 8 but he's not very open to the Enneagram. He's only slightly interested in it. He's very defended, so I have to keep it kind of short when I talk about it. I really liked the dog reference. I wish you the best in your healing process.
@@Melitta-zx4sf Ahh yes, the defendedness...I'm sorry to hear it. I hope you can work things out. Yes, my mom's main factor in relationship is loyalty. That's important but it's kind of a low bar to set. I think it's because she analyzes so much and just goes round and round without seeing things as they are. In any case, she says she's happy in the relationship now and I'm healing so, time to move forward. My dad is even letting my mom teach him some yoga lately...that's like some miracle. Although he's totally stubborn. LOL As a 4 it's hard to not dig in the graveyard of my past, so to speak. What is your type?
I am a 8 and married to a very un healthy seven we are having really bad problems as he will not feel any hurt that he causes or talk it through as he deflects and defends . I end up shouting as we have been married for 30 years and have tried the soft approach lets talk fleas by shouting and deflecting at my wits end Please help
My unhealthy 4 husband has it in his head that if he just keeps his mouth shut we’ll be ok. “I can’t win anyway”. He’s so proud of himself! I want to scream😄😏
Just discovered that my type is 8w7. My wife was like, "finally now you understand!" Now seeing the blind spots. But also lean ENFP on the MBTI. Do you know many ENFP 8w7? Feels contradictory.
@@justinbroady to me, this still isn't contradictionary. I don't like conflicts, but if the situation requires it, I enter into the conflict. When that's done and the air is clear, that's it. BTW: Are you Sure that you are not a 7 wing 8? The way you doubt doesn't seem 8ish to me. If I may say so- Just from that little glimpse you conveyed. .greetings from Germany!
@@ronjar.747 Yes. I am an 8w7, but I do have doubts about the ENFP. It could be that the Tertiary Te in ENFPs is stronger than normal in 8s due to the 8 orientation toward accomplishment. Do you consider yourself task oriented or people oriented?
@@ronjar.747 On the flipside, if you only go into conflict only when required, are you sure that's an 8 motivation? In my experience, confrontation is something I pursue. Not because I want to cause problems, but because I want to solve problems. In that way, confrontation isn't something to do when required, but something that must happen on regular basis. Now, that doesn't mean I'm always right. But that's how the 8 in me thinks. My doubts, then, are how accurate is that way of life as an ENFP? Not saying it's impossible. It's just making me rethink the MBTI possibilities.
