Enneagram Type 4 & 9 | In Relationships - four & nine 

The level of depth in this video is unbelievable.

i'm a 4 and my boyfriend is a 9. he's the nicest person i know and he helps me a lot to find inner peace . we're happy together!😊

As a 9w1, I feel like I just got called out for an hour straight.

I’m with a 9 as a 4 and we’re helping one another grow so much. He’s helping me by being a safe space for me to express myself freely, I’m helping him express his needs more. It’s not okay to keep the peace and abandon his needs for the sake of others... and it’s okay to express your needs even if it brings about conflict. Thank you so much for this video!!!

I agree!! I'm a nine and I tend to get along with 4s very well because I feel they tend to bring out my adventurous side, I love the directness of 4's as well, even though it may be uncomfortable at times for me because I don't like conflict but I really value sincerity and honesty in relationships, I would rather have someone be honest with me rather than someone who candy coats everything.Also, I can relate to the picking up on the energy when I enter a room, sometimes it can be intense, but it also helps me in my job, (I'm also a psychologist) I read people easily. Thanks for sharing!! I really enjoyed this video!

As a 9, I get along best with 4’s than all other types. I think growing up my friends were usually 4’s, I naturally gravitate towards and like people who are set apart with their uniqueness.

Hey! I'm a 9w1. This was eye-opening for me. I do love 4s. I love when people are sure of themselves, creative, and genuine/real. My husband is a 4. I always say I love how he is the same crazy, unique person no matter where he is. He has no filter. Sometimes it does scare me, but I love it 😆 I think we help each other a lot. Same for my friends who are 4s. Thank you for this! Edit: Also, the part about 4 sensing the anger of the 9! Man, that was on-the-nose

I’m a 4 and my wife is a 9, this should be amusing to watch.

LOVE! This is so good! My husband is a 9 and my beloved Grandma is a 9. I LOVE 9s as a 4.

I love this - I remember i told you once when we were talking about 9s that i literally got a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about them. What a great feeling. I love the calming effect they have on our chaos while still making us feel like we can go to them with anything.

My type 9 best friend, when asked what she didn’t like about my (type 4) relationship with my type 9 ex: “I just wish he saw you as an opportunity and not an obstacle.” So it can go either way depending on the outlying factors present in each type. Type 9s either love me or really don’t. Typically the less healthy they are, the less they like me.

Oh god, three years ago my girlfriend (9) and I (4) had to go separate ways due to a severe episode of depression on my side. We weren't yet concious enough to see and communicate properly. I have since been able to reflect so much about the two of us and our capabilities at that time of life, also based on the enneagram dynamics of our numbers. So for me it is so nourishing and validating to hear you talking about "it/the nature of a 4 and 9 connection" and also enlightening to gain new information/revelations and to add (or rather take away) yet another layer. She was my first real and authentic and healthy love I have experienced so far and I have this feeling of "this is a once in a lifetime kind of love" - I kind of came to the conclusion that it is because of the enneagram nature of this combination, so now knowing what you said it just makes a lot of sense to me and yeah... feels validating that this "once in a lifetime"-thing is not just in my head - though that may also be the case. I don't know. ANYHOW: My actual question is if you could explain the Jonah Syndrome a little more and its psychological inflictions/reactions. I would be so thankful - and AM thankful for all of your videos! :-)

I’m a 4 and my husband is a 9. We’ve been married for 13 years!

Greatest description of 4-9 I’ve ever heard! So eye opening !! Thank you!!

Thank you so much for this!! I've been studying the enneagram for years, and I so appreciate your DEPTH!. I'm a self-pres 4. When I was a kid, I had a VERY important adult in my life, a coach for all 4 years of high school. Thirty years later, I now know for sure he is a 9, and appreciate him so much! As a type 4 athlete, I always wanted to practice longer and harder, be better, win more, feel the victories and losses more intensely. He would literally tell me he couldn't understand me, or how seriously I took practice, or the sport in general. I couldn't understand how passive, easy-going, and laid back HE was. But when I was performing extra intensely and especially well in a big game, I could SEE and FEEL him get excited! I KNOW he loved it! It was like I finally sparked him into passion! I also was not the easiest teenager for him to coach. I was melancholic, depressed, dramatic, complicated, and overly emotional. He was kind, steady, patient, always tried to listen and talk, and yes, he was like a xanax. My teachers wanted me to see a therapist, and I said, "I don't need one, I have coach.!" We also had some conflicts, misunderstandings, and falling outs. He would retaliate with passive aggressive actions and comments and petty remarks. But all the while, we had this palpable connection. Thirty years later, I am even more grateful for him.

This channel's gonna be very popular some day.

It's so interesting to observe the similarities between the two... I am a 4, and my twin brother is a 9. I imagine our shared upbringing largely shaped us into both into these types.

Thank you for this insightful & eerily accurate insight on the 9&4s relationship(that’s my wife and i😅) You should make more videos exploring the 4s relationships with the other enneagrams

OH, you are so right! I love my nines. They're so accepting.

I would LOVE to hear a video about 4’s and 5’s in relationship 😊

im a sx/sp 4! my best friend of 12 years is a sp/sx 9 with an 8 wing. And i find myself being draw to 9w8s quite often

I’m a nine and I am genuinely so happy that I got into Enneagram I found out about it well mbti in health class and didn’t care then I found out about so muchhh and realized how disconnected from myself I am :> like a lil robot suffering but didn’t know just with the flow and now im happy I found my one and only friend that’s a 4 exactly what we both needed was each other that’s so cool really makes me wanna build more connections with people I’m at 0

Both are mostly infps or infj which is very compatible

My sister is 9, I am 4. I have to give her a time out after too much of me...lol...she says her spirit animal is a sloth...but, she is my comfort.

I love this (and almost edited those words because everyone else wrote the same thing and I wanted to be different...LOL...I'm such a 4). My life-long best friend is a 9 and all of this is so, so accurate. The Half Obscurity section particularly spoke to me. Being a creative with my own biz, I needed to hear that part loud and clear. Love your content and depth - thank you.

9w1 SP/SO chiming in here married to a 4w5 SX/SP. This commentary is so right on the money and make so much sense! I love some 4's, but since we both usually have each other's numbers, it can get really spicy sometimes for sure! The part about the 9 living vicariously through the inspiration of the 4 at the expense of our need to/avoidance of inspiring STUNG! 🦂Love your content!

9w8 SP here, really resonated with the last point of half obscurity. Good stuff

Nice, Drew! One of my biz partners and I are using this video to refine our relationship (I'm a 4SP, she's a 9SO). Very insightful and useful for both of us. Thanks!

My ex is an unconscious 9 and although our dynamic was toxic AF we both cannot forget each other nor let go. Its painful because i am emotionally mature and he’s a closed book. Although I’m an unhealthy 4 i still wanted to be emotionally connected but his passivity bordered on emotional abuse and abandonment… so i was out. Too bad because he really is a kind, giving and supportive person. Childhood trauma and his inability to communicate and express his anger killed our relationship; trauma bonded and massively filled each others core wounds, thus the magnetic pull. I frequently felt he was inauthentic, passive aggressive, SUPER AVOIDANT, lacked ambition and his flat affect felt boring, off putting and resulted in me feeling misunderstood and disconnected. I need an open book. No guessing whats up. Honesty. Speaking up about your wants, needs, likes, dislikes. I felt like he was my project and i needed a grown man, not a grown boy. Ouch- We are polar opposites so in ways we even each out but only when both are healthy. We found an unspoken comfort in one another that nobody else understands. We are drawn to each other as both desire TONS of freedom, unconditional love; to be seen, have low self worth, identity disturbance, emotionally neglected and feel like misunderstood abandoned and rejected loners. We are scared children yearning for love, attention and to have our feelings and ideas validated. Please stop telling us how to live, think and feel! Accept us as we are and make an effort to listen and understand.

YES you really got out some good stuff..this fits nearly 100%...

Excellent!! I just found you & I’m obsessed. Spoken like only another sexual 4 could say!! Lol my husband is a 9 & everything you shared here is very spot on.

this is so accurate. you're amazing Drew!!

You are such a lovely and intelligent human being Drew!

This wholly resonated with me. Thank you, Drew.

Awesome video! Thanks! I’m gonna share this with my 9w1 sister (if she ever has the time to watch it). She’s always been my closest sibling (out of 8 😮‍💨🤪) and this video describes our relationship really well.

Yay!!! I love this, My Best friend is a 9, and I really love the gut triad. Thanks for sharing.

Pls do video on 2 and 4 enegram relationship

I am a 4w5 who has been married to a 9w1 for 10 years now...we have each allowed each other to sleep to ourselves in our own way for a long time and are kind of waking up and taking action now, it is exciting and scary and beautiful and difficult and painful. We've each believed and internalized so many inaccurate messages from each other over the years.

The 4th note is absolutely on point. My boyfriend (9sp) and I (4so) have been struggling with that all the while 🤭

Drew, I’m a 64-year-old male that is a 9 and I am married to a 4. We are going to a separation, so I have to try to understand where I have failed. I have been listening to you for about two weeks now I am amazed at the insight you have given me. Wish there was a way that I could have one on one. If there is, let me know how I can reach out to you. I want to save our marriage he’s wanting to end it. I cannot believe I didn’t find this earlier and I do believe my marriage would not be in the hard place. We are now keep up the amazing work. It’s been a blessing to me.

One of my partners is a 9 and the other one is a 7 and I definitely go to the 9 for understanding and compassion because he takes me as I am and finds my rambling interesting. Lol

4s are most common and 9s second common INFPs

4w5 here. That Initial 4-9 attraction has in my case become a repulsion. The passivity, refusal to engage, inability to hold an opinion, and the constant forgetting has become sickening.

i do feel like i attract 9s thats why im here. i love and hate them at the same time. love coz theyre comfortable, easy to vent to, and yeah they dont feel like theyre gonna betray u. hate coz of the same thing probs, like maybe the reason why they seem like that is because theyre just rlly indifferent,cowardly or empty. and me, a 4 and an sx4, is FULL like full of emotions and opinions while they maybe hide it so much that its practically gone. and most often i try to get their individuality out which they kinda do but it needs a lot of forcing and i dont like doing that coz it feels like im saving them from their boring miserable life when i want to be the one saved or motivated. i even chose a college degree for a 9 because he didnt know what to choose, and even if i didnt, he said he would've picked what most of his friends picked like wtf. i just rlly hate how empty and chameleon they seem, coz even if they think its a good thing and it is in someway, people just like them coz theyre easy to take advantage of. but theyre always just background characters and cant stand up for themselves let alone others. but yk whatever. theyre ok as friends but anything more serious than that would be in vain. or maybe i just havent met a healthy 9.

An you one on 4 and 2 (I have a difficult relationship with a 2), and 4 and 3 (married to a possible 3).

I am 98% nine and 96% four, and I feel some of these things within myself.

Very helpful - thank you so much❣

Fascinating dynamic. This makes me think my sister is a 9 although she's undecided, which makes her a 9 right?

What about 4 and 4 in a relationship? Sounds disastrous lol I have been diagnosed bipolar twice and i just want to scream at my shrink. Nobody understands the depth of my emotions!!! HSP needs help please. I am not bipolar

Merci beaucoup!

Thanks again Drew!

Hey Drew, really good video! The best one I have ever seen on the deep connection between 4s and 9s! I honestly think that I am mixture of a 4 and 9. Yeah, that's right. I don't believe everyone is just one type. For me, I am so very 4 that I break out of the 4 box and claim some 9ness (differentiating myself from other 4s). And I am so very 9 that I have merged with 4ness in an inextricable way. I went along to get along on the outside for many years and looked like a 9, but deep down I knew was uniquely tragically flawed. Does anyone resonate with this? Does wanting to have someone resonate with this make me more of a 9?

Are you planning on making videos for the 4 and each of the other numbers? Especially 2,6,& even 4’s with other 4’s?

Hey Drew- by chance do you know what your best friend’s MBTI is? I’m a 9w8 INTP. I would think there also would be some major differences in a relationship with a feeler vs. a thinker

yep