Ep. 26 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer 

Cyxz 😂😂😂😂

Haha, that's the perfect analysis of Burt!

OMG!😂 It's sad how on point that is.

That's so true. Well said

His brain is pickled with Xanax. He’ll be boozing in no time. It’s a shame.

Holy shit dude you have TWO kids?!

@Jonata when he got* it was *

Burnt is Tom’s best friend, but I have a feeling everyone in this thread knows much more about Tom’s life than Burnt Khrystler does.

Except Tom couldn't do that because every time Tom tries to tell his life story, Bert interrupts him and starts to tell his own

He’s Narcissistic

And that's why we love him/them

The intros r fuckin class 😂😂😂😂

dudemaister96 totally! I love him but he lets Bill Burr talk, he is pissing me off. Tommy can tell stories too

And Tom's Dad met his mother while Awol from Vietnam.

@@scottharvey2852 nah that's a trait I hate in anyone I know and see

Bert would never have been friends with Tom if he knew

Tom Segura is very cultured and bilingual.

At first I was like Bert grew up in Tampa, there is a huge Cuban population there and its a pretty multicultural city. But then I read that he went to private school and it all made sense.

Blehdi 😂😂😂

DRINK

@Rational Viking when you decided to sober up, is that when you put the rational in rational viking? Good luck brotha! Good on ya

The dude will interrupt with half a dozen stories about himself, then sit there stammering and stuttering for 30 seconds because he cant decide which one to tell. Hes so fucking self centered that the second the topic is NOT about him, he panics internally and starts scrambling for a way to make it so. Bert genuinely cannot handle people talking highly about others.

@@devansnider7793 "Quick bert, make up a story about yourself!"

Then he continues to interrupt for the rest of the interview, Bert loves Podcasting because people have to be nice and listen if camera was off I bet it's different no1 would put up with it

thefirebuilds I love how he knows and still does it every time

The dolphins are definitely smarter though lol

Dolphins can't see their penis either.

They both laugh the same - "EeeeeeEeEeEEe EEEEEEEEE eeeeeeEE"

They also release their fecal matter wherever, whenever.

@@djleblanc1612 I can't believe nobody got to the squeaking laugh joke faster than this. Nice job though. It's accurate.

Was this before or after the 5 minute white privilege speech?

But he is

Not so fast...everyone knows that if you acknowledge someone's race, you are a racist.

Tom paid me to find you and pay you to say bert paid you to say this

I would believe it

to be fair, most people probably wouldn't

Evan K lmao!

Did you guys see that Adam Sandler movie? Precious white privilege

it thought it was cocaine

@Roland Deschain dont forget educated

What's funny is he practically picked the perfect year to be born to see the most change lmao. He might be the dumbest person but I can't stop listening to his idiocy.

@@futbolplaya07 100 percent! I'm a fan of Tom, but I guess we gotta put up with Bert's pig laugh.

Bert is the most lovable version of Florida Man. For better or worse.

He is a comic I can almost guarantee it's all a character

A lot of my coworkers didn't know that either. Most of them didn't lol even after explaining that korean to chinese is the same as french is to english and nope. Does not click in their heads.

I'm in the exact same boat 😂

That one left a dent

What's this in reference to?

Head ass dude I was like uhhhohhhj

I had the same thought. Wonder how that conversation went lmao

not even a minute he cut Tom off right away

i know more about tom's life & i've never met him. its fucking nuts. i'm not even trying to remember this shit.

4 minutes? Did you even listen... it’s was less than 5 seconds 😂

Uhhh hundred percent.

He probably thinks they're both cities in China.

@Zah Hall Well Thailand is a country, and Taiwan is real China.

@@Ryuzakku Don't Tell that to someone from Taiwan.

@@duinthadope420 Taiwan knows they are the real China, and they try to have other countries back them on that. I think it'd be "Don't tell that to someone from mainland China"

walked not jogged

sat not walked

looked at the treadmill and pictured himself jogging on it then felt that was enough

Fell asleep on the toilet and dreamt he thought about getting on the treadmill.

His wife ran on the treadmill

Nobody knew

The wind didn’t stand a chance

Well, that sounds like anxiety talk, I have had it too. Your brain works so fast, you want to tell all the ideas you have. First you say that you like to run a lot and then the next thought is about how dolphins are really agile and fast, and move a lot. You say out things and they end up sounding wrong or funny, which is good for a comedian.

@@Belznis Either his brain is working so fast...or his brain just isnt working xD

Bark Mallwerg

Wark ballferd

chaka souffle?

Muk Wogerg?

Dipocamatic community.

Glad it’s not just me... it’s great

Yep

E K LOL, he also prefers his favorite nickname “the grand dragon”

I feel im missing outon ajoke as I keep seeing people say stuff like this.

@@hawfcut2394 Bert is "racist" is the joke

I went to his show a few months ago, he started his set by saying "no coloreds allowed"

@@hawfcut2394 he's the fattest, most racist comic working today

as long as the lyrics are provided, he will always "freestyle"

Marcus Price why man? That was really good

"Ok, here's some freestyles I wrote." -Bert

@@benwaldsax7659 un-BEAR-able I see what you did there.

aaa jajaja

How is nobody else freaking out about this?? That is a crazy coincidence

This is literally why I started looking through the comments. Why isn’t anyone making fun of this????

To be fair, Bert does say he shouldn't be talking about it :D

I was about to write this comment, thank you for saving me the trouble

yes da fuq it was ...and thanks for callin it ...cuz i was about to do a paragraph... preciate U

If you don't like Bert why do you watch this podcast

I literally cringed and shuddered: thinking if I were actually in the room when he said that garbage.

50:56

Hahahaha thank you, came to the comments just for that quote.

"100 percent"

this quote needs to be on a t shirt with Bert's face on it

Fucking same lol I was like well this podcast didn’t age well

And they're literally like "we should have delia message the girls" 😬😬

they laughed pretty hard when tom said they should have delia message berts girls.....they at least heard something

This.

And it appears physically drunker throughout the podcast

Nadav do it!

It would be so much work lol

agreed

He is a dolphin though, a beautiful flipping dolphin in its prime.

So true and he’s done everything

@@cybertree yo dolphins f*ck people!

@@cybertree more like a disgusting elephant seal, bert is as entertaining as drying paint

Gustavacres Acres the first part of that comment was funny the second part was like a disgusting elephant seal

Yes.... yes it is unbelievable.

Noah Martin seriously where could we go after smart phones? Smart people?

It really sucks that Tom can't speak

Take a shot

Tom just kicks back and lets Bert go. Co-hosting a podcast with Bert looks easy... you say two words, Bert jumps in and talks for 5 minutes.

Thats what makes the show great.

Andrew Crawford you have eyes and ears. Cool.

@Landon Lee I think he thinks anyone before 1950 just sat around and did nothing

they're both smarter than bert

And he calls them stupid 😂😂😂

1 YR later watching this again……

@@MsSonnyR still waiting on this party!

ejcrafton84 I was wondering if anyone else caught it

Bert is American Ricky.

peachmelba1000 haha! you nailed it

Brent christeler is definitely spiecist

Bert is probably celebrating the birthday of his favorite Führer.

@@johnathonklinedinst5889 i lmao'ed

I wish mommies would drop a pod today

Least selfaware and the most racist comic working today!

I know, when I heard that I was thinking, there was a literal industrial revolution, factories became a thing.

Yeah um...trains.

Although it is true that technology advances a lot quicker now. I think that's kinda what he meant.

💯 percent

Bert: Spends 5 minutes talking about how Patrice went to jail for sexual assault, follows it up with "I wont talk about it."

He didn't even get the story right fat drunk. Lol

Made Patrice sound well suspect, he didn't assault anyone (according to his take, which I believe). He tells the story well on O&A.

@@tberwick1 I expect a large percentage of people who go to prison for sexual assault say they didn't assault anyone.....

@@powderandpaint14 the way patrice told it on O and A. Him and some buddies ran a train on a 15 year old girl and they were all 15-17. He said everything was consensual and just a nice afternoon really. One of his buddies talks about it, some jerk hears, tries to blackmail the girl for a blowjob, she complies, runs outta the bathroom screaming in school that he raped her. She gets in an interview room and tells the whole story. Shes 15 so its open and shut. Decide for you What bugs me is that bert claims to "love" the guy and say all this shit about how he looked up to patrice, then that's the only fucking thing you can think of to say about him? Funny type of admiration. If you had a dead friend and you wanted people to know how great he was, i bet you wouldn't start there

Yes please!

He's just trying to get another view on his special. Brilliant.

I wanna see it

To be fair there’s a big difference between having 2 beers and driving home from dinner Andy’s having 15 shots and driving home from a bar. It’s not unsafe or illegal as long as you only have 1 or 2 drinks and you’re not driving right away. And it also depends on if you’re at a Bbq for 6 hours and have 3 beers or at a friends for 20 minuets and have 3 beers.

He hates the truth but desperately needs help.

ramie becker yeah I’m sure they say a lot of things that Bert says but you have to hand it to him, he has run a marathon and gets regular blood work done, he also has proved time after time that he can stop if he wants to... like he’s currently doing right now. He also happens to be a millionaire with a happy mariage and two kids off of the back of his drinking stories. He’s different to the people in your meetings.

Berts no exception, an alcoholic is an alcoholic even if you stop for periods of time, it still clearly consumes and affects him day to day. Mickey mantle gene isn’t real and if it was Mickey mantle spent time in rehab, had liver cancer, a heart attack and died of Cirrhosis of the liver at 63, so not really something to be proud of. Hope he figures it out

@@hugoj1129 That's called a functioning alcoholic. You can be an addict and still get stuff done.

@@ianhillgartner3471 You could literally say that everybody is an alcoholic if the that's the logic you're using. Because people drink and then they stop and then they drink again. Alcoholics don't stop drinking. That's why they end up at AA. It literally destroys their life. Bert is a heavy drinker but not an alcoholic.

He said 1870s but it's still ludicrous

@@ministevie8 Yeah, he was thinking of the fucking stone age, and it wasn't even true for that.

@@LukeGeoDude it is true lol, people didn't live long.

@@shenbeuv2616 on average people didn't live long but a lot of changes still occured over 40 years. Lol

I just died. Of alcohol poisoning.

He must be on the spectrum...

Hooking up the IV now...

How slow are you that you can't tell when Bert is playing "the dumb drunk" character. I guess it's tough because he acts dumber than he is for a living.

Imagine how cranky he is now that he can't attend the weekly meetings

ShadowT23 probably just getting more drunk and embarrassing his wife

It's the truth!!!!

Those laughs are recorded. Every time you hear that, someone is pushing a button, not actually laughing. Notice you hear it at the beginning of every episode before they've even said anything.

Anyone that tries to keep up with that game will get alcohol poisoning and a trip to the ER.

You could do that for anybody 🤣

@@Daniel-wv7lj Not true. Have you ever seen him analyze something, make an observation, or discuss a topic without talking strictly about himself? You haven't. He does this thing where he'll ask someone a question just so he can answer it himself to talk about himself. He's funny, but self-centered and annoying.

Based on the stories in this episode, I think we can include regular diarrhea as well.

Dysentery

He’s beyond that at this point it’s chronic irritable bowel syndrome of the mouth, irreversible toxic megacolon of the brain

So... A normal show.

I feel like that's already been done. But with molly.

Jefftheostrich real original

@@jeffstock7819 eh.. kinda lmao

I genuinely laughed at that. Lmao.

In the middle of the 405 freeway bruh. (spit)

Sherman Graves onna Fitzgerald

LOL perfection

Hell yea

Classic

I like Bert a lot more than some of the people in these comments sections, but he absolutely has a tendency to say "I am NOT the one that should be talking about this topic... Okay, here's five minutes of my uneducated, inarticulate take on it."

He and drew read the same flyer

He’s mentally declining because of the Xanax lol

@@RickR69 too soon