Erotic Boredom: A Book Review of The Mister by E L James 

Bilingual people written by monolinguals: Deti! Deti! The sea! Oh I forgot to switch, hehe Actual bilingual people: Uhhh I forgot the word, what was it called in english? You know the,, hand shoe? GLOVE I MEANT GLOVE

Roasting Onision for 1 hour per video, that's great. Roasting E.L. James for 2 hours in a single video, that's more orgasmic than all of her bibliography combined.

"BITCH YOU DON"T EVEN KNOW IF SHE HAS FOOD ALLERGIES YET" is my new favorite reaction to absurdly fast-paced relationships in media

Can we just establish that TRAUMA IS NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT.

"I'm an American. We sustain our diets entirely on Coca-Cola and burgers, and sometimes... war!" Had me dying XD

“I’m An American, we sustain our diets entirely on Coca Cola and hamburgers. And sometimes war” 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I've never heard anybody say the words "Then he pulls a gun . . . And there's a fake pregnancy thing . . ." with so much boredom in his voice.

"The world's most financially successful fanfiction author." Most depressing words ever spoken. So many good fanfic writers, yet this dangerous garbage is what gets published and idolized just...depressing.

EL James did such a bad job depicting Albania that the Albanian ambassador to the UK yelled at her

I absolutely love that Onision’s book has become a benchmark of how awful a book can be

"Long story short, I am never welcome in Albania ever again." -Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz (and probably E. L. James too)

As someone who’s trying to put together a mystery crime thriller/werewolf erotica between a headstrong female character and a clueless but handsome multimillionaire, it’s really helpful to see what NOT to do to make an interesting thriller/erotica. I‘ve started by making my multimillionaire the CEO of a toilet paper company, with the unofficial motto of “There’s always going to be shit to deal with.” I think it’s coming along swimmingly.

The italicized thoughts represent his inner goddess, obviously.

'Erotic Boredom' Looks like EL James now has her own genre!

Every sane person: Noo! You can't just badly implement trauma and romanticize controlling and abusive behavior! EL James: Ha, ha, Maxim and Alessia go burrrrrrrr

How to pronounce Anatoli: 1:28:57 Anatalie 1:28:57 Anthony 1:29:34 Anatoli ✔️ 1:30:00 Antanoli 1:32:00 Antolini 1:31:04 Antolino 1:34:59 Analoni 1:39:22 Analonia 1:40:10 Antoine 1:40:46 Abernathy 1:42:24 Android 1:42:39 Abloid 1:42:58 Abalabathy 1:43:37 Abalabadingdong 1:43:51 Argon the Terrible 1:53:34 Anatoli ✔️ 1:54:22 Antoinette

“As an American, I don’t really understand that British Aristocracy does.” As a Brit, neither do I.

"Sunstone is basically 50 Shades of Grey done correctly, and with lesbians." Alright, well I'm hooked.

Suffering from hyper sexuality myself, I can tell you that it's terrible and can put you in a lot of bad situations if you don't know how to handle it. Also I'm letting my players know that you're the reason that they're going to have to deal with an NPC named Wrinklespank Upperbottom.

Oh boy, now this is interesting. Not only did E.L. James write another trash book but she decided to talk about the Balkans and specifically Albania. Well, I just so happen to be Albanian so I will update this post about the foolishness this book offers for your own enjoyment!

E L James inspired me to be a writer because I think I would do better than her.

I'm a simple gal, I see Krimson roasting E. L. James for 2 hours, I click

I love how French sounds fancy to other languages when "Les Jeux d'eaux à la Villa D'este" litteraly just means "Water games at D'este's Villa" In my French head, it basically means playing with water with the Bois at a fancy house.

You know, all this pining and back and forth would be alright if James had considered the trafficking: Maxium: "Oh, I like this girl, but I don't want to make a move because she's had bad experiences- what if I scare her?" Alessia: "I want to be with this guy- he seems so nice... But so did *he* before all this happened!" And boom. Pining and back and forth makes sense, Maxium is more sympathetic, trauma is acknowledged and not fetishised, could even put some good messages out on how to learn to love again if you do a little research on how people have done it and then have characters do it- thereby actually making a positive difference with your writing by providing a role model to readers. Really wasn't all that hard, James.

"Trees died for this." And I, too, am now deceased.

"The pacing in this book is like watching a snail trying to make his way through a lake of syrup after getting injected with a half-lethal dose of tranquilizer."

Christ, she's setting up a 50 Shades Cinematic Universe. If this is where the Earth is going, I'll get off now please.

You know, E L James writes books that would be better as WARNINGS rather than romance. 50 shades? Great warning for abuse. This book? Great for warning predatory behavior. As romances? THESE BOOKS ARE POTENTIALLY HARMFUL. Who sees this as romantic? It's disturbing!!

Hello, yes, Albanian person here! Kind of embarrassed that my country would be brought up in this goddamn awful book, but I just wanted to say a couple of things. 1. Ah yes, when I look at the sea, I go "Deti! Deti!". In the same way, when I saw this book, I went "Mbeturinë! Mbeturinë! Na faltë Zoti për këtë harxhim të kotë të pemëve!" No bilingual person ever randomly starts speaking their mother tongue if no one in the group speaks it. 2. Human sex trafficking is a really big deal in Albania. I'm not one to get upset at most things, but it pisses me off a bit how badly it's portrayed in this book. This book can't do fun and sexy scenes right, and it definitely can't do dark and serious topics any justice. ESPECIALLY when a lesser known culture is involved. Why would the author even try? It's ignorant.

I love James' writings because she talks about EVERYONE'S favorite things! Abusing trafficking victims and dehumanizing women into complicit vessels for sex. Amazing how we can so clearly see the author's fetish for submission turn itself into a sick envy of sexual victims and traumatized dependents.

The raging about how he’s ring shopping while his soon-to-be fiancé is kidnapped was gold.

OK but what confuses me the most is... She's Albanian and has never seen the sea? The author knows that Albania's left border is basically only a coastline right? I mean OK maybe she never left the house, but hell even I've seen at least the north sea before and I'm German.

Krimson is like the English teacher/professor I wish I'd had. If he were to do a tour and it ended up simply being a literary analysis course I'd be there in a heartbeat. The man starts with "holy shit this is the most boring thing ever" and churns out two hours of riveting content. That is a hell of a skill.

I love the recurring theme of “EL James thinks abuse and brainwashing is love”, cause she did the EXACT same thing in 50 Shades

A few notes about writing multilingual people: - we don't generally mix languages within a single statement. At least in my case, the languages are so different it would actually be harder for me to switch into my mother tongue for a phrase I don't remember than to either figure it out or describe it in the "foreign" one - a common thing is forgetting completely mundane words - also translating idioms that don't really make sense in the language - *not whatever el James did in this book*

I worked at a bookstore when this book was announced, I misread the title of the bad black and white photocopy of the cover I was given as 'The Miser' and I briefly thought EL James wrote an erotic story of a woman falling for a modern day Ebenezer Scrooge and changing his cold heart through love and mostly sex.

"I felt more thrills the last time I misplaced my keys"

So, she had Netflix and HBO, but has never seen a credit card.

krimson's a cute guy who has cats, owns a thousand books, and has no problems with tearing apart the plots of shitty books. he's basically the best man alive.

For those of you still wondering whether Alessia's sharpshooting skills are believable or not... Annie Oakley's targets were at 60 feet (or 18,288 meters) at most and she didn't miss a single one of those. For Alessia to get 50% of her targets at a 100 meter distance, when mathematically, it would be more than what Annie Oakley would be able to get (it would be less than 25% versus her 100% at 18,288 meters)... unless Alessia is an expert sharpshooter and not a first timer, it's literally impossible. That would mean she'd be better than a child prodigy who made an entire career out of it through her entire life and still practiced every day like Annie.

"Don't worry, I will be quick" Literally no one wants to hear that on bed, James.

I have synesthesia and I kinna hate when (fanfic) writers use it to make their characters "interesting". It is hard for me to explain how music looks/feels to someone who doesn't have it, so someone who doesn't have it is trying to describe it, it's very irritating to me. Something isn't just "Orange", it's "Orange in a spicy way that also makes me think of certain flowers, and it moves like oil mixed into water, and it has the texture of a woven rug." Having synesthesia is a complicated experience....

While im not a traffic victim, I am a CSA survivor with multiple instances of abuse. And while i personally am AroAce, i guarantee us trauma victims dont wanna have our trauma sexualized with the intention of it being a ego boost for the male lead 🙄

I love the "krimson is a professional moron" message, like its such a little thing but it just made me giggle a lot

E L James has always been an inspiration to me because when I was around 15, I said “I can write better smut than this” and so I started writing fanfic Five years later, and I’m still writing, but I’ve moved onto my own characters and am currently in the process of writing a book, so... Thanks E L James!

As a volunteer for an anti Human Trafficking Organization I can honestly say without a doubt but Crimson is saying here is absolutely true there are more than 40 million people currently in human trafficking and its $150 billion industry so people he ain't lying.

What a cultured man; he reads erotica for the plot.

EL James has enough unresolved Chekov's guns to start an army.

I once saw "The mister" in a book store in between Shakespeare and Les miserables in the classical literature section, and I had never been more offended and choked with laughter in my life.

*The woman I love has been kidnapped by a abusive man* Better go shopping! 🛍️

Krimson: Having lots of sex is encouraged. Me, a 25-year-old virgin: Thanks. Good to know.

The Albanian text clearly is meant to be a quirky thing. Like an anime girl clumsily dropping a tray of cookies

You know it's bad when he opens with a defense of Onion Boi...

There's an audience for rape romance. There's an audience for erotic thrillers. There's an audience for anti-erotica. There's an audience for cautionary tales. ...This seems like it's trying to be one of those but can't decide which. Who's this for? Also: the idea of vampires originated in Albania. Stephanie Meyer's inspiration for writing Twilight was supposedly a dream about a perfect woman falling in love with a perfect vampire. 50 Shades of Grey was originally a Twilight fanfiction. That means James owes her entire writing career to Albania. With that in mind, she seems to have an extremely low opinion of Albania.

The fact that she bleeds the first time is incredibly alarming, if you are bleeding because of that then there is no lubrication and she would be in massive pain.

Love how the leading men of both books are related. Someone in this universe is selectively breeding terrible mem

One minor nitpick: The world's most successful fanfiction author is still Neil Gaiman.

Ahh, the words that every girl wants to hear from her father: "My daughter is your problem now." Seriously, E.L. James, this is not a good profession for you.

that bilingual mood when you just pause for 10 thousand years mid-sentence because you're trying to translate "chair" from chinese into english but you're stuck in the japanese one because you heard it in an anime once.

“Do not attempt this. Krimson is a professional moron.” Me, an elite moron: “That sounds like a challenge.”

"The song always reminded Alessia of her childhood. It was those early piano lessons that had led to the diagnosis of her synesthesia; like many children, she resisted lessons with a baseless but determined stubbornness, her fleeting attention span a bane to both herself and the stout, salty woman that taught her scales twice a week. But unlike other children, she would often complain about the nauseating yellows and browns each misfingered key produced, eventually leading to tedious doctor's appointments where adults would speak in hushed, serious tones, glancing at her over their shoulders as if she had done something awful. Alessia had never thought her condition abnormal, nor even thought about it at all, until it had a name, and suddenly the reality she had taken for granted became more of a curse. Something wrong, even ugly, even if it wasn't really hurting anyone. Her mother insisted she continue playing piano, but she became so obsessed with trying not to see the colors that her skills only deteriorated, leaving Alessia frustrated and sullen. But then one boring, cloudy Wednesday, as she crossed the threshold of her teacher's living room towards that dreaded piano, something changed. Rather than the usual silence, she was greeted by a teasing, lilting melody, wrapped in sharp, icy silvers and blues like fluttering sheets of ice, a river frozen yet flowing, pulling her towards the source. In all her eleven years of life, Alessia had never encountered a loveliness that made her very heart ache in her chest, a beauty that made her feel as if she might die were it to stop. Her teacher, a woman that had rarely spared so much as a kind word, seemed softer as she poured herself across the keys, drawing more of those wavering, wintry blues with every gentle press of ivory. The woman spared her a sideways glance and said, "I do not know what you see when you hear music, but judging by the look on your face, it must truly be wonderful." In that moment, Alessia realized that synesthesia was a gift--or it could be--and begged her teacher to let her play. She left that day smiling, humming that song and feeling sorry for all the people who would never be able to see the world as she did. Although her teacher still rarely said more than, "Wrong. Start again," since that day, whenever Alessia seemed particularly down or frustrated she would play that song again, Les jeux d'eaux à la Villa d'Este, and the magic would return." There. I haven't read the book, don't know dick about the character's actual history, but I've just established a genuine, emotional connection to the song AND two key plot points of her past.

Oh man, this shit is so reminiscent of bad wattpad erotica. I can't believe this is a published book. God truly is rapidly ceasing to exist

On the note of "british" names. I had an English prof named Chad Wrigglesworth once.

Random goofy fact: The representation of Albania in this book is SO BAD, EVEN THE AMBASSADOR OF ALBANIA called E.L. James out on her shit.

*krimson:* slow build *me, a veteran fanfic reader:* _slow burn_

I saw this book on my mom’s desk and I was like “ah shit, here we go again.”

I have just sat through The Dom's 8 hour of torture and now I have nearly 2 hours of poor Krimson's torture. You poor, poor, men you have my sympathy x

"i'm gonna attempt to make this video family friendly" a few moments later "my daily comes every day. yeah i bet she does" we had a good run

Everyone: It isn't possible to write a more dull, unlikable, misogynistic pig than Christian Grey. E.L James: Hold my drink.

One of the best opening lines to a book I've read was something by Jim Butcher:"The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault."

The lead male in an erotica: "Are you ready? It'll be quick."

"I'll try my best to make it family friendly" "My daily comes everyday." 11:00 "Yeah I bet she does!"

My favourite scene from The Master is the one where Maxim gives her an umbrella and she’s so freaking happy! “Master gave Dobby an umbrella, Dobby can be dry now!” I quit after 101 pages. Fuck that book. Thank you for reading and reviewing this!

"why couldn't it have been more consensual?" consent is a nebulous idea in E.L.James writing. I see your Thames and raise you an Arkansas

It would have been interesting for Alessia to be the daughter of a well to do family that’s fallen into disgrace. Which would have given an explanation to her father’s debt and to her talents, she was being groomed into a perfect little trophy wife. Maybe her father was a communist politician and she was kept in a sheltered environment to stop her from finding out the atrocities that her father had allowed in her country. This would provide an extra layer of scandal, not only is she a foreigner in England illegally, she’s also the daughter of a former communist leader? That’s some prime drama for the tabloids. She has Netflix and HBO but she doesn’t know what a credit card is? What kind of b*llshit is that? It makes me feel offended on behalf of Albanians. It makes me want to rewrite the book from the start.

As an Albanian, Krimson was surprisingly good at pronouncing the Albanian words lol. Not perfectly but he didn’t butcher it

"I'm gonna lose so many subscribers" me: *after pressing the subscriber button* am i joke to you?

Whenever the name of Alessia's kidnapper changes I immediately imagine a switch out to an entirely different actor playing him with no warning whatsoever.

The real question is this: "Will E L James ever write anything...good?" No. No, she won't.

"At the end of this book, I don't have a clear idea of what the British aristocracy does." Don't worry, neither do any of us, mate. It's a genuine mystery.

I'm both concerned for and side-eyeing E.L. James' husband if this is how she sees literally all men she deems desirable.

If Onion Boy has written a more engaging book than you, then you have officially failed as a writer.

"I'm going to try to make this video as family-friendly as possible, so let's see how long I last" The truth is, the game was rigged from the start

Also, wow, accidentally seeing a woman's underwear, is the writer actually 9 years old?????

“Doink the Daily” Far better alternative title for this book

What really sucks is that I’ve actually read engaging and beautifully written fanfics that have actually made me cry... And then E L James comes in with her rewritten Twilight fanfic and it makes me sad.

God the ONE time us Albanians get representation, we get this. Loved the breakdown as always! 💜

"I'm calling him Bob" *SLAMS BOOK SHUT* We've peaked everyone. Literature is cancelled

Who keeps letting this woman near a publishing company

Krimson has stuffed animals on his bookcases Now that's soft boy energy

Bro I don’t care about books and shit, I just like watching dollar store Jesus lose his mind

Krimson says he can't tell if El liked Albania or not but with her misrepresentation of England (at times deliberate and she had to go out of her way to do it), I am very confident to say she hates England

Damn. I've seen better erotica on Wattpad and that's saying something

He should read The Troll. It's about a woman getting into a relationship with an internet troll. It's bad.

“Yee, Yi, Yili? I’m gonna call him Bob.”Probably one of my favorite parts outside of the what the Yanks enjoy for food, including the occasional war.

"Trees died for this." Probably the best line in the video!

Television?! In Albania?! Why, next you'll tell me there is internet in Tel Aviv! Most unorthodox!

I love when Krimson not only roasts bad books, but he spends 1-2 hours going into detail

Ah, yes, the elusive wrestler known only as El Jámes.

“I felt more thrills the last time I misplaced my keys.” 🤣