Estrangement: What To Do When Your Kids Won’t Talk to You 

Im done too

@@chriscampbell9207 being done is not always a bad thing.

Agree 100% done being a punching bag.

Me too.. we all dealt with dysfunctional parenting but with a narcissistic child, they have no love for God, therefore these adults do not love their Creator or their parents. They do not forgive. They run negative stories about the parent forever, keep the parent in a space that does not honor. Narcissistic children are guided by darkness.

Grown up child, sorry you are angry, but I can't undo the past.

How beautiful

God's time is not our time well done. I bet those tears were the joy kind and probably all 10 years were healed in that first hearing your son's beautiful love for you. My son left at 15 and I prayed, he ended up telling me he lived at a Mormon friend's home, they modeled family and respect but most of all unconditional love only God gives. That was when he was 18, and ever since I have gone into humble scceptance that he got treated badly and needs weren't met and as a single parent it was stressful but he still deserved better and I really did everything including consequences for negative behavior, wouldn't let him quit a sport when he felt like it, so he is now a compassionate coach who relates to the solo parented by mom boys the best, gets in there where noone else understands their struggle and he has made the biggest family that bonded by them becoming free to show emotion, passion. They've exceeded the kids who don't suffer financially and he reflects beauty back to each boy. He just made himself a tribe for life, they are really seen and heard and will be there for each other I am sure. Its small pebble in the pond but significant.

I am crying 😢. I wish I could get that call ❤.

I am impressed with your power to be honest and humble in front of God. You told HIM words from your heart without lying yourself or lying HIM. And God did HIS job with both you and your son. ♥

@@lidia6552 thank you much and yes he told me he became a Christian after much prayer!!! That really made me happy!!! I think maybe the Lord gets bored with our same over and over prayers but when I changed course he activated prayers. Lol. Good luck to you

Just read the comments and you'll find plenty of narcassitic parents tho

My name is Peter and I am a targeted parent and victim of parental alienation. As much as I want to get along with mom, she doesn't want that. Look for your father, he may be thinking about you and miss you. Talk to him if you can.

@@petert9311 your comment is exactly why I understand parents like you won’t understand anything. My father is emotionally abusive and anytime I talk with my father, it makes me sad. So according to you, altho my father is a piece of shit, I should still maintain relationship DESPITE being miserable every time. So I am asking sincerely, WHY would I contact someone who belittles me, ignores my problems, and make me something to be “fixed” while he is perfect. Why would I contact him? To torture myself. Like really. Tell me why?

@RU-vid Style Sure I could reply, but you may not like the answer. In most cases the targeted parent gets bashed without them defending themselves? What happens honestly, when the other parent constantly bashes? You will eventually believe a delusion your dad is a piece of shit. Please know that your dad is also yourself. You shouldn't insult yourself as your father is part of you. We all do mistakes, he may not be such a bad guy if you open up to him? There are no sides in this matter. The child should spend time with both parents, there are no sides.

@@petert9311 My mom (who died) never spoke bad about my father. And they were together till the end. So since that’s out of the conversation, can you answer my question which is. “Why, would I talk to a person, who belittles me and makes me feel so small, who is disrespectful, and selfish?” This person makes me sad. Why would I talk to him? Would YOU talk with a person who belittles and disrespects you.? (You can’t possibly bring up parental alienation again. It’s not my case) so I am gonna ask again. WHY, would I speak with a person who has belittled me since forever. Would you?

thats what I am doing!

Wait... don't disturb my son again?

But a narc will continue to disturb, that’s the problem. And also on the other token, a loving parent would always continue to love and seek out their child. A narc will make it all about them, telling you all the abuse didn’t happen, or that you need to just get over it, and then they continue their abuse. Same old cycle.

Difficult when grandchildren are involved.

@Lorie Bennett Sally & Lorie, thanks for the advice. As you know, after our children block me off from their life, they always come back to me with simple verbal apology when they need me, then block me off again when they feel like it. It's been repeating for 13 yrs with my 29yr old child. I feel like I should just leave from his life

Have you tried calling ? Or only text? Straight question asked in good faith.

What does your daughter want or need from you in order to heal and mend your relationship? Find out, and no matter how hard it may be for you to do it, work on it.

Ditto! Living the same life as you, except it’s 2 out of 3 that will not speak or respond to me. I do have a mentor for the past year, and my oldest child out of the 3 came back to me. But I’ve had to work so hard on myself and it can be exhausting at times. I have to remember, they are on their journey too, to heal and I need to be patient for the day we will be reunited.

My daughter came through a broken family (divorce) and we are all paying the price for that! Just before I rocked her to sleep one night she said these words that have never stopped hurting! She said, daddy I want a family!!! I now know how she has gravitated to the lonely and sad place she is now in! As I study the scriptures, I see another loving father that is pretty upset that his children want little or nothing to do with him! We will have a real family one day not too far away! Love to all, don't give up!!!

@@everettepouncey4049 love your words (literally took my breath away) and the point you make. 🤟

@@lab4389 Ditto. Devastating is not too strong a word.

@@lab4389 Kim D *and* LAB 7: At some point, you also have to forgive yourself. If you've made a genuine attempt at amends, and asked for forgiveness, and making changes... good for you. be sure to forgive yourself, too, whether your son has yet or not.

Same my daughter is 31 and it's been almost all 6yrs.

@@Teriyaki-vj8ny Give her time. Pray for her. It's important that you not continue to carry the guilt of mistakes made years ago, forever. That's not fair to you, either.

Thank you for letting myself & others I've met online realize we're many. It's a sad realization, but something about sharing it with others makes it hurt just a tiny bit less. My son's in CA & that's my top worry right now. I wish he'd call!! Hugs, ~ Covah

I do listen to my children and attempt to change accordingly. Still it can be too late. They rarely open up to me anymore.

@@justyrenson I'm so sorry. I hope things work out for you.. It sounds like you care and are trying..

without knowing Both sides of your story- and I don't know yours or your mother's ages- Just as a parent should always keep the 'door open' should a child want/ready to return, the same goes for an adult child; Your mother may not be ready, she may need professional counselling for whatever- as an adult depending on what your regular childhood/upbringing was, you could always express yourself via a letter to her or let her know that when she is ready, you may be willing to do counselling to heal or attempt to heal the past in order to move forward and only via counselling. One thing is for certain, there is no real moving forward unless there is healing, either together or separately- good luck.

@@margaretw5880 100% agree. If she would do counseling or even accept some responsibility, I would be more than willing to work it out. She would never.. it's always my fault. Always me that is flawed.. I can't live a happy, healthy, life like that. I was shamed and never made to feel like I was important to her at all.. at least I will never let my kids feel like that.. she also never protected me from my bully sister that beat up on me regularly. Still protects her over me. I don't feel safe emotionally with her, or my sister now. I feel sorry for good parents that have entitled children that do not appreciate them. Good luck to you as well ❣️🙏

@@margaretw5880 I'm 53

Denial/self-deception is the single greatest killer on the planet today and no one is teaching or talking about it...well, Byron Katie does but she calls it "the work." People don't want to know that she is helping them with their self-deception. I wish she would be direct with them and call it what it is...denial/self-deception work. That is why my whole program is based on confronting self-deception, calling things exactly what they are instead of finding manipulative soft words and finally, teaching people how to heal their self-deception. It is the single greatest skill a person needs to recover and the one we are all the most deficient in.

​@@kennyweiss Well said. It's the deeper meaning of a well known command : You shall not lie ! Pride makes us lie towards God and ourselves.

I think sociopaths who don't have a conscience are the only ones who behave badly and don't lie to themselves about what they're doing. Most people behaving badly aren't sociopaths and would feel too guilty if they were honest about how bad they're behaving.

There are parents that are honestly good people and they don’t deserve this destructive alienation . My daughter just made a lot of bad decisions as an adult.The past 23 years. The trauma she had is not from her childhood it’s from the mistakes she made as an adult. Blaming me for all her problems. Her choices started and ended up with her having multiple mug shots.

I made mistakes when they were teens. I have apologized a lot but there’s still a wall. I guess I blew it. 😢

Perfectly said. Thank you

That’s sad🙁 can’t imagine parents doing that, I feel for you, even adult children doing this to parents sickens me, it’s horrid that people always need things their way, no open mindless

I know exactly how you feel. Check out gaslighting and covert narcissism because it sounds like exactly what you have experienced. No one will ever understand the obliteration of you unless they experience it themselves....... 8t takes you to a very dark place.

Your apt description fits my family, I am cut out because my mom stole my inheritance and I said she was a bitch. I was 57 years old when I discovered her crime, but the smear campaign which started at birth is how I found out what she had done. No one talks to me, but if I try to work or socialize they talk plenty. Thanks for putting your story up.

I dont think you deserve them not speaking to you. A lot of parents these days are experiencing this and it's not just because of mistakes we made. I dont understand it myself but people are selfish today and no consideration for anyone else. Stay strong x

I pray for you and your family to be reunited 🙏 wishing you nothing but the best

I totally get you. I hope you can reconcile with yourself and reconcile with them. May be be courageous and contact them and just tell them you love them. Nothing more

I am happy what I teach is a help to you. ;-)

It definitely sounds like your daughter felt emotionally abandoned as a child and that doesn't come from nowhere. As Kenny said , children leave these all important relationships because they do not feel safe, and it's usually about emotional safety.

😢

do it for you, not her.

You had a very difficult situation with 2 daughters and it appears you were parenting alone the best you could. Give yourself a time to heal and find peace. When she returns, or if she returns you will be ready to dedicate more time with her.

Erica. I really understand your situation. I do think we need to give our adult kids space just as we wanted space to sort it out as young people...

I've asked 3 times for forgiveness with no response.

Or you apologize for one thing then they keep adding stuff on as they go…there are times that the adult child can’t apologize for their mistakes also…I’m tired of taking all the blame for stuff I don’t even know I did…they are not perfect either….AND the AC spouse can have a lot to do with it too!

Also, took responsibility, apologized but they won’t accept it

Some things that are broken cannot be mended. Use it as a lesson to treat people better. We all have to live the the consequences of our actions.

@@no-ic5gw ya, works both ways..,my apology was or the emotional abuse I was receiving and I reacted in a manner I never have or would have, but no apology from the other side….everyones story is different…

This for sure.

He isnt talking about parents who were dysfunctional and did things obviously wrong, he's talking about the responsibility for your own reactions which are codependent and feed into the narcissistic adult kid. I swear the ' kids' who comment on these estranged child videos sure seem hostile and angry in an infantile way.

I totally agree. Who in the hell do they think they are? They are millennials with zero empathy. That’s ok it’ll all come back to bite em

​@@deborahdean8867it's really sad, isn't it? It's going to take a lot more life for him to figure it out. Big hugs!

Mums should always protect their Children from abuse and bullying, no wonder you fled at 18, I think it's unforgivable, but maybe that's just me.

You CANNOT work through abusive dynamics with bullies until they stop.

I moved thousands of miles away from my mom and stayed there for 2 decades. And, when I moved back home to be near her, there was no healing to be had. The stepfather was still there and died 5 days after my mom died. There was never any time with her away from him. It is just so sad. I know the feelings of aloneness that the absence of a bond causes. I will give you one piece of unsolicited advice, because this is what I wish I had done before my mom died... 'communicate the harsh reality of your life that has been caused by this mean stepfather' to your mom, ASAP. And, do it in whatever form that you think best, whether by letter, email, phone call, or in person. I believe that this is important for you to do for yourself before she dies. Chances are that it will not make any difference, but I believe that it will help you. If you let her know that you would like to feel closer to her, but cannot heal the relationship from your side only, perhaps it will have an effect. And, at least you will know that she knows the truth, whether she does anything about it or not. Don't leave her in the dark so that you are left to have to question whether she knows what is impairing your relationship. Although this may not make any difference, you will know that when she dies, she knew the truth. Best wishes,

It's irresponsible to promote "working through" an abusive relationship. It's not health or even safe to really try. Especially if there's no bond/natural and mutual desire to "fix the relationship". If there was never a healthy or happy foundation to begin with. Sharing DNA doesn't mean a relationship is necessary or deserved. And it doesn't mean there's any obligation to it or shame in rejecting the abuse/people who don't have your best interests at heart. I will absolutely never again visit my mother so long as the evil stepfather is anywhere nearby. And i will never forgive her for choosing him over me. I doubt she has any real interest in repsiring the relationship despite constantly saying she "just wants to know you're doing okay" and wishes I'd visit/talk to her more. But she never wants to talk about anything serious, and her idea of casual discussion is insulting and putting me or my siblings down, being condescending, and giving tons of opinions that she doesn't like how I'm living my life (she was grooming me to become some kind of a stemlord. Preferably marine biologist or doctor but she'd take programmer or engineer too. i always hated stem, failed 3 years of high school math, and don't see any of that as practical. She also likes marriage, reproduction, and regular careers/full time jobs with max security and benefits. I value non hierarchical environments, working when i feel up to it, and doing all kinds of different things as my interests or abilities shift.) I like working freelance and doing all kinds of jack of all trades stuff. I love traveling. I love variety and not feeling trapped or hopeless either in the work i do, or the environment i do it in (power tripping shitty managers are also very triggering and bring me right back to my stepdad. Absolutely no interest in that, but they no longer bother me so much now that i realized they have no actual power over me unless i give it to them. Which i never will.. Would rather die.) I'll take on regular jobs at times for a quick and decent paycheck. The minute a manager tries to pull an ultimatum, intimidate me, or bully me into doing them a favor, i quit on the spot and just laugh at the schadenfreude of it all. Sometimes with a reference for how sometimes at will employment doesn't just benefit a company trying to get away with illegal discrimination. Considering also quitting with loud verbal statement next time any manager tries to do a wage theft or other blatantly illegal thing to me or others since they're so sure no one will ever do anything about it. That they can just call it a "family" and guilt people into working off the clock to "be a team player/part of the family" and everyone will just feel too much obligation to say "fuck that idea of family. Try competent scheduling next time. I'm out". So i do think i should start doing that too instead of just rolling my eyes and ensuring i do extremely poor work (especially costumer facing) when working off the clock. My mother considers that to be irresponsible, lazy, lacking in commitment, and immature. Funny I think the same about her insistence on keeping a teaching job in Oklahoma that makes her miserable, that she says higher ups won't let her do effectively, is severely underpaid, and may even be doing more harm than good due to state standards and obsessions over rule following (like incessant practices for lining up perfectly straight and silently in kindergarten) compared to time spent on actual educational subjects like letter recognition. Hell she doesn't even really believe in teachers strikes because "too essential" (missing the ENTIRE point of strikes to begin with) and basically had to be bullied into joining the strikes (well she has string opinions against crossing picket lines so a strike existing made her feel bullied into going along with it) a while back for all the issues she always whines about constantly while refusing to do anything to even try to change it (also demanded complete adoration for eventually joining and thus "being a labor leader" and a strong advocate for education, children, and labor. *Rolls eyes*) It's an immature, lazy, irresponsible person that sticks to a job they know they hate everything about, just because it feels more "secure" /it's too scary to look or try for anything else. Even after I've handed her several avenues to make money as a private tutor charging whatever she wants for whoever she wants and working whatever hours are best for her and her medical needs. Possibly even moving to a better state that cares about education and/or healthcare so the public school options might not be so demoralizing. Plus she blatantly regrets having kids and both of her marriages. Why would I repeat those mistakes? I already know I don't like kids and have done more than my part in raising 4 younger siblings while she locks herself in her classroom until the kids are in bed most days. For 10 years. And I don't like feeling trapped (and also I think marriage destroys romance and intimacy by introducing that whole trapped aspect vs knowing day to day you're choosing to be with someone because you both genuinely care about and enjoy being together. ) I'm supposed to just respect her life choices without comments or suggestions, and not question whether they're really for the best, but she can judge and give unsolicited "advice" and basically treat me like I haven't "actually" grown up "yet"??? And it's not at all appropriate for me to tell her to stfu and mind her own business/life?? Because my life doesn't look exactly like hers and isn't half as miserable? When I've been living with NO support from her or any one else from the family of origin at all and with very little contact for over 10 years already? Fuck that. All old pains and unwillingness to actively condemn stepdad aside, that's why I don't call or otherwise try anymore. Not the old issues, but how she treats and talks to me to this day and the things she is and isn't actually interested in. And why I gave up on trying to communicate with, reach, or connect with her (also her refusal of joint therapy). It's always miserable and pointless. She never listens. She doesn't know or care about who I am or what my needs or interests even are. She's hypocritical and has this self superior attitude. And talking to her tanks my productivity for several weeks as those jabs and judgements make it nearly impossible to not remember past issues that she feels victimized by me even acknowledging happened at all because she's "so much better now, the past is the past. Stop wanting me to live in guilt". So yeah, fuck her and her faux concern for the vague concept of a child she wishes she had and likes to project onto me.

Your mom chose, and is still choosing, that relationship over you. Your bond with her will never get stronger. In due time, I hope your forgive her (because you need it for yourself) and move on, maybe no contact. Let go or be dragged.

Allow yourself to heal and get over what happened. It will only make you stronger. Journal a lot. Get a therapist. Do what you need to do but you have to get over the shame, guilt and sadness and this video is not going to help you achieve this. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s the world that’s changing and the human kind is getting more and more fragile with each generation. You’re not on your own. In actual fact this is happening to all parents but some are keeping it secret or putting up with abuse. So don’t be shamed. You don’t deserve to feel this way.

That breaks my heart to hear

Your loss

@@UglyBikeling you make me want to say things that will get my account deleted

@@torkgems I have to bite my tongue a lot as well. I wish some a**holes would grasp that when you come from abuse and dysfunction you are in an ever losing situation. Everything is crappy and painful. All that changes is what form it takes. Stay and have to continue to swallow being abused and mistreated. Leave and be alone and seen as the 'bad guy' for not tolerating further abuse by being present. The only win is when everyone owns reality and works to make the relationships better. And if people could do that then estrangement wouldn't be an epidemic...

@@UglyBikeling Not everyone are willing to do anything for money

Yeppers. The old, "I'm the most horrible parent ever!" said to guilt child into saying, "Oh no mommy/daddy you're wonderful!" Well, I grew up and got therapy and now my answer is, "If you feel that way then do something different. Don't bitch about being awful. Don't moan about feeling bad about how you behave. Stop your unhealthy behavior and improve your attitude."

I’m sure your the problem. They probably feel better without your winey ass.

@@deloreslate4028 Wow. Abusers will side with other abusers even when they don't know them. Charming...

@@ellyk8834she’s right!

@@skr8674 I totally agree with @AstroBaby. My comment was to someone who criticized them and sided with the parents even without knowing them. Survivors need to stick together.

Totally understood. God bless you and may you find true love with God in your life and others who DO hear and love you

Well said. My mom is the same. She's unhappy I will no longer tolerate her unhealthy/dysfunctional/abusive behavior but not so unhappy as to make the changes necessary to have a relationship. She has no idea what healthy and unhealthy is and instead of contemplating that my feelings are valid she'd rather just see them as the problem. Never mind that I only have the negative feelings I do as a reaction to how I am treated and that only she can change how she behaves. She doesn't see the co-relation between her behavior and her not having what she claims she wants. I guess it's better to think they are 'right' and be seen as the victim of a horrible, ungrateful and entitled child then admit their child is justified in keeping their distance.

WELL SAID ,you are the victim of enmeshed parenting !

My mom is the same way.

Maybe. Maybe your mom is unhappy. Maybe she is the entire reason you have left the relationship, I don’t know either of you to say. But your mom is just human. Maybe there is depression she deals with? Maybe you are a bit harsh because you believe you see the problem. Sad because it’s all her fault.

@@suevesely4531 So what if our mothers are human and potentially depressed?

I can much relate. I'm the oldest "daughter" (non binary) in a mixed but mostly Latine family (stepdad and all siblings are mexican). I was always the scapegoat. Blamed for stepdad breaking my bones and choking me and my mom. Blamed for my oldest brothers violent tendencies (mostly towards me). Blamed for being too white (and thus too sensitive to "normal Latino parenting" and "basic realities of life". Or that's what was said whenever i called out and condemned the abuse). I wasn't exactly blamed for being sexually abused, but my mom did refuse to do anything about it because she didn't want to "cause issues with the family/neighbors/school". But when my oldest brother was molested by the younger brother of a cousin who had molested me, well it was at least a soft "my fault" for not telling/warning my mom so she could keep the kids safe. Because i knew it was easier to dodge sexual abuse from 1-2 people who almost never actually do it and who have no authority than to avoid abusive parents who are violent multiple times a day at home. And yeah at most all she'd do is keep me locked up in that house even more. I'd take the CSA any day of the week.

@@Lbhacksaw there's always a lot of dysfunction and terrible nonsense in any kind of family dynamic that includes roles such as scapegoat (also golden child, peace maker, enabler, or trouble maker. Peopel can take on multiple roles and often the roles overlap , shift around, or have multiple individuals who vaguely fill certain aspects of one or more of them. Within dysfunction it tends to be fairly obvious when these tropes pop up, at least from the outside/outsider scapegoat perspective. In this RU-vid comment essay i will evaluate how encanto helps to normalize toxic family dynamics and discourage proper healing and otherwise share absolutely terrible morals that only add more pain, confusion, and alienation for scapegoats and other abuse victims particularly within poor, immigrant, and Latino families with a history of family/generational trauma.../hj). And that's disturbingly common. And a lot of people don't even recognize it as anything other than normal Scapegoat are the most likely to be the truth teller (haha even encanto depicted that, and they made Bruno WAAAAAY too forgiving and eager to lick their boots with really no proper apology let alone any indication of a long term effort to break old patterns and habits and just magically enter into a happy ever after. But that's me "not really being Latine" again, i guess) and they're the most likely to see, acknowledge, and reject the dysfunction. To break the cycles. To go no contact and find effective therapies and chosen family. (queer individuals are, especially historically, very likely to be the scapegoats if not disowned outright. Sometimes even when in the closet but not quite able to live up the gendered expectations or with a knowledge that if they did come out, their parents would hate them. So that's a large contribution to the chosen family culture/history and also part of why it's super easy and not at all "problematic" or "erasing his issues/trauma" to read Bruno or others in his position as being queer and the victim of bigotries from the family, especially older generations) (Meanwhile golden children, like Isabela, have it perhaps the worst in the long run and are most likely to repeat the patterns. They are prone to developing NPD or similar such dysfunctions themselves. They often can't understand or comprehend the issue or any faults within the family/those that praise and validate them, and so internalize they did something vaguely wrong or imperfect and that's why their life falls apart like that. They end up with A need to at least be seen as perfect and ideal and get praised, mixed with the harsh realities that the narcassitic abusers don't actually care at all about them, just their ability to reflect positively on them. once they're no longer filling the role they were. especially if they ever challenge or question the parents. or they get kicked out and lose much support and praise upon becoming an adult that can't easily be controlled and the parents might not want to keep paying to support or really ever validate when they're outside of the family dynamic/house. Hence abandonment and trust issues plus issues with anyone seeing them as flawed, incapable, or lacking in value. And a tendency to identify with and want to protect, coddle, and support the children they have that they can relate to the most or wish they were more like, often making excuses and enabling them even if they then into bullies or the like. Mixed with a strong need for control/people to recognize them as great parents with amazingly behaved "nature for their age" children with little concern given to said children's mental health or sense of security. After all "i turned out fine, they won't be coddled forever anyway". Etc) Peacemakers are caught in between the two. They don't usually get hate but might sometimes take on a golden child role (haha encanto depicted the inverse in Mirabel being mostly the peacemaker but also new scapegoat) But they're "mature for their age" (at least as children. Tends to reverse in adulthood. Cause being mature for your age, repeat it with me,is a sign of shitty parenting and childhood trauma and absolutely should never be an area of praise for child or parent, but if skepticism and compassion for the child) and tend to, on at some level, understand and dislike the dysfunction, but internalize that it's their responsibility to try to "fix it" and keep people from "fighting". It can create anxiety, depression, PTSD, stunted development (especially socially/emotionally/ability to tolerate conflict. They know how to appease and try to stay safe with unhealthy adults, but not how navigate healthy dynamics, act their age/actual development level, or really anything to do with peers), or anger issues later in life..as well as a tendency to stay with and try to fix abusive partners and the like and to feel like no one really cares or helps with their issues and they they have to help keep everything together all the time often on their own or it will all fall apart (this would largely be Luisa within the overall dynamic especially regarding the town at large, obviously. But the plot largely follows Mirabel taking those stresses on and trying to save the house/family/miracle, so it's kinda both of them) It's all a mess. It sucks for literally everyone. Yet few people want to have public discussions, PSAs, or anything else that challenges the parts of culture that promote dysfunction and abuse. And the few times anyone DOES actually explore that they decide to have re message be "just say sorry, hug it out, and remember that family is always the most important thing and the abusers were just trying their best and had their own traumas anyway so just try to be understanding of them kids. Uwu long term damage doesn't exist except for the abusers you aren't allowed to call abusers cause it might hurt their feelings, lmao get wrecked traumatized kids". Fuck encanto btw. So so much.

@@Lbhacksaw I'm not the only one that takes these kinds of issues with encanto either btw. Even psychology today has an article going more in depth about the issues with encanto and what it actually promotes. It basically concludes by showing how the ending of the movie perfectly reflects cycles of abuse. especially the gaslighting honeymoon phase in which the abuser seemingly learns that were wrong and learns to value their victims more and care about the pain. For maybe 2 weeks until there's any kind of stress or trying of that commitment. Hence abuse victims feeling trapped in the cycle and being pulled back in repeatedly, even after trying to or actually leaving (or at least recognizing the abuse). Again fuck encanto. But mostly fuck people who claim it's wrong, bad, white, selfish etc to say Bruno should have stayed gone amd told alma to go fuck herself or that "only white people" would care call alma abusive since she "tried her best and had trauma of her own". Okay well news flash about the vast majority of abusive parents, you abuse enabling/glorifying assholes. Fuck this idea that modern Disney "has no actual villains, just complex relationships" Bitch alma ain't less abusive or villainous than mother gothel, full stop. They're even both obsessed with selfishnessly clinging to the "miracle" that manifests as powers dor her "family" that she can exploit and take credit for. And i doubt gothel and her issues came out of a vacuum, even if they weren't explored in canon. Fuck that noise. (On mother gothel. That was a natural flower she had no interest in harming and only kept kinda secret to avoid others trying to destroy it or keep it just for themselves. Some rich assholes decided to immediately kill it and use it all up for one person the minute they did find it. Literally condemning gothel to death. Because they refused to even try to find a way to work with or learn from nature in a non destructive way. That's about as "unjust" as your husband dying in a battle to protect the kids. And depending on past experiences before that, can have the same level of being screwed over and routinely harmed by those with power or a will to impose their demands on the local population.) Both responded to being put in danger by isolating from the larger society (with a tower or small town enclosed by mountains) in which those with that power can't really find or get to them and those they want power over/admiration from can't realistically escape from (very easily anyway). Clinging to the power their child(ren) have to maintain their power and status and sense of security. And both developed heavy narcissistic characteristics as a result that really only seemed to worsen with the isolation and obsession with these Powers of others that she can exploit because of matriarchal status over them. But you know monarchy can be kinda cute and fun to imagine being part of and the "good" and "rightful" kind of privilege and rule. Vs colonizers that simply wish to establish their own monarchy/system of rule that will empower them to excert their power over those living in the area (who they already feel entitled to anyway, but pre war/genocide it's not really legitimized yet by the larger population). So completely different. APPARENTLY. Also brown people totally can't be abusers/narcassitic so stfu and Blame the colonizers exclusively as well as any ("not") abuse victims who hold a grudge or otherwise aren't thriving in life as much as some people think they should. Uwu Uwu Uwu. Also if we're looking at encanto as an abuse metaphor (which is very thinly veiled) they absolutely should NOT have gotten miracles back. Or not the same ones anyway. Those miracles PERFECTLY track with pressures and roles they have within a dysfunctional family. Losing those coping mechanisms that once worked is a core essential part of healing and moving on. Finding new and healthier ways to cope and resolve issues, and letting those things that once protected you to fall away now that they are no longer needed. Giving the miracles back completely undermines that as well as any potential for actual long term changes. So again. Fuck encanto. And fuck anyone who thinks it's at all good or appropriate for children to consume pro abuser propaganda from a young age (perhaps while even living within a similar dynamic). It's like Steven universe. I want to like it. And i want it to be good and cute and comforting for kids. But it's way too pro abuser/actual genocidal Nazis (all in the name of being "pro family". Cause somehow the gayest "kids" show was created by focus on the family or something) Fuck everything about that and these tendencies within media (especially aimed at literal children that don't know better and cannot analyze and critique media as effectively as me or any other adult)

I relate to this. I wasn’t good to my daughter. And I know this. But I took responsibility for my actions.

Im so proud that u can actually break the generational trauma

Is it not rare for one narcissist to marry another narcissist???

Amen but better late than never 👍🏽

Mine very similar... now 2 of my 3 kids dont speak to me from old family stuff my older sister generated to them to keep me shunned.. its very debilatating overall

@@conniesmith5350 Definitely not. Both of my parents are narcissists too.

@@conniesmith5350 they feed off each other

❤Resounds with actual truth.

I to have been doing the work It’s like a disease in my family I estranged my self from my mother for 25 years My daughters learned it from me an turned it on me Along with my many other failings as a father 1 year ago I rang my mother an that phone conversation went for 8 hrs I was at a emotional rock bottom No drink no drug We have a wonderful relationship now an as we progress with it we talk about whys an how’s an the picture gets clearer I love my mother an she has taught me strength of how to live with the pain of estranged children my sister will not speak to her still an has not to me for 12 years On an on the sick show goes I am doing the work it’s taken so long I fear I’ll be dead before it fruits I HAVE LEARNED TO FORGIVE MY SELF

@@rodneywells7820 I have begun to have actual happiness and joy.

@@rodneywells7820Praying for you and your family. I wish you nothing but the best, have faith and never give up 🙏❤️ many blessings

@@Lbhacksaw I totally disagree with this because I felt relieved when my extremely troubled parents finally got a divorce after 18 long years! I'd been advised to move out of the family home by a psychiatrist when I was about 15 years old after attempting to take my own life, due to immense pain, yet I still recall the feeling of relief. I usually felt better when one parent wasn't there while living with them too. In fact, it would've been best if they'd never met, let alone married and had not one, but three, children, who had to deal with the results of their own unhealed trauma wounds, which was and is the case for millions of other children too. 🙁

You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words. And yes, it’s sad for all of us that we weren’t taught these basic concepts and we all have to discover them later in life. What matters is that You did the work to discover them. That’s the sign of a great parent.

“I did fail her because of my upbringing “ is deflecting the blame. It wasn’t your fault how you were brought up, but it was your responsibility to deal with it and you didn’t. You can, but you’ll need to take responsibility

By saying this loud, means she is taking responsibility. You, on the other hand sounds judgemental.@@user-op6hm9tj5x

I am amazed how often I’m hearing this. The husband abandons and destroys his wife, and the kids suck up to the dad! EMDR with a good therapist helped. E heal from the past pain of 47 years of deception and helped me no longer feel like a victim and take charge of how God wanted me to go forward! It’s just the beautiful beginning of a new journey!

❤. I too am the shunned daughter ❤️

@@doricetimko332 You’re in luck, there’s a lot more awareness and support now. Happy new you.

Yes, alienators tell outright lies to the children and then we are expected to take accountability for outright lies and events that never happened.

Well said! My mother just passed away a few months ago. She was a functional alcoholic. She went through a lot of trauma growing up. She self medicated, but my sister and I always knew she loved us. She was a hard worker. We never alienated from her or kept her grandchildren away from her. She was ill the last 3 years. I cherished every moment we had. She apologized for what we went through, but we loved her unconditionally and forgave her a long time ago. I was kissing her precious face when she took her last breath. It's so hard and I miss her so much. I know she is now at peace, and I am so proud of us! ❤

@timb8652 I'm sorry you were physically abused. Verbal and emotional abuse hurts just as much. Don't have children or even own an animal. Eventually, you will say or do something that will wound their soul forever. You may never be aware. Hopefully, they will love you unconditionally despite your mistakes. Take good care~Agape love and peace. ❤️‍🩹❤️

Oh so true,my first son thought that way just because he had been given a better life of good education and went to university he looked down on his parents, we haven’t spoken for 7 years now, the hurt has finished I no longer cry,

Very well said!!

May God bless u ....so true

Thank you very much and I’m sad to hear that your childhood was so hurtful

And if one party (the parent) abused the other when they were helpless to get away from your abuse why are you acting like it's some failing on their part when they tell you to f**k off and stay gone? Maybe because you're still acting like a know-it-all and superior? Abusers don't get to play the mature and superior role. Mature and superior people don't abuse because they have better and healthier life and behavioral skills. Lower yourself and stop acting like you're better and *maybe* your adult off-spring will see your humility as a sign you have grown up and actually understand and are taking responsibility for being sub-par.

@Tim B Exactly. "I'm sorry you feel appropriately mad/sad/unhappy with the abuse I perpetrated on you. But... Your feelings are your problem." It's a definitely slap in the face to tell someone you're sorry they have negative feelings about their crappy behavior. If you just didn't feel crappy about being treated like crap then the problem would go away. No point in pointing out that the person's negative feelings would also go away if the abuser was actually sorry they hurt you and committed to ending the behavior. I guess victim blaming is easier...

Beautifully said

You’re welcome 😁

Thank you for sharing your story Jenn. Sending my best wishes for your journey :)

@@kennyweiss Thank you Kenny!

I’m sad to hear about your loss but happy to hear you’re finding solutions that are helping you😁

💜

Robin I too know your pain. Funny thing is I have 2 sons...one not speaking to me...And I aways thought maybe it would have been better if I had a daughter...I am seeing it happens a LOT!!! This is all very wrong. My parents were not perfect in anyway...but we just accepted them. This is a generational problem. And has a lot to do with who they marry. Hang in there!!!

@theadster2702 I just saw your reply this morning. I have 6 children. I am now down to 2 who will speak to me. I just feel shattered. We all will have to just have enough love for them to weather this.

@@robinsmith1218 Please be brave and be strong. This generation is SO moved by their friends and online clicks. I KNOW this has a lot to do with who they marry and their closest friends. I always had a close relationship with both my sons. The younger one is not speaking to me now. The older one married a girl who hated her parents...so he started getting weird to me..she ended up cheating on him and they got a divorce. He came back to me saying she was poisoning his mind and he won't let that happen again.. We are GREAT now again. I have gone over the issues of my younger son and they are absurd....crap like Prince Harry (same age) is making mountains out of. Actually hearing about his book has has opened my mind to ....I AM DONE. What is horrible is the fact that time is always running out...we are losing relationships that could stop on the drop of a dime. (death). How sad for wasted years and causing so much pain. I have cried my tears and I am sure he has not!!! For my own mental health I have had to say, "enough....enough of this nonsense....I am done!!!". Of course all of this has been helped through lots of prayer.....Please do the same.

You definitely deserve respect. Keep your boundaries and your self-respect. Best of luck ❤.

Love her anyway

@@UglyBikeling she has my love but she doesn’t deserve my time. I don’t hate her. I feel sorry for her actually. I just refuse to be her human punching bag.

Love her because she is your Mom. But, you don"t take responsability for her and her needs. Live your life in peace as much as possible.

Then they want to be part of our lives when they are old and alone and act like everything they put us through is just a figment of our imagination. Yep, I know. Then they go on social media and their friends and complain. No child will estrange themselves from a good parent. It takes a lot of pain for a child to estrange themselves from a parent. Hope things work well for you Rach. Sending you hug 💘

@Happy Dog

I heard this put as Your Present is Your Children's Past. That's true. My "present" was a horrible nightmare. That is their past....I am so sorry. I know I did a lot wrong...trying to right ALL THAT WAS WRONG. I didn't have the power to make that happen. The X is dead and on a pedestal now. I asked my youngest why, she said "because he's dead." I can't compete with the dead.

My son knew how much I loved his first son and was there every time they needed me! When he didn’t need my services, he made a ridiculous accusation (I wanted him to marry his h.s girlfriend 😜)and hasn’t let me see my grandsons in 14 months!

I don’t even know what my 2nd grandson looks like!

Did you ask your daughter how you were as a parent? It might be hard to hear her truth but to me it doesn't seem like you are accountable.

Blocking people from loving others like their grandkids is a big sun in my book. One of the worst, most vicious things you can do for revenge and jealousy. One of my kids played that game on and off . You'll just have to cut your losses . Make christmas cards, birthday cards and such every year and save them in case one day when they're older you might be able to get in touch and they'll know you cared. It's just like today, women will use visitation to manipulate and punish their ex's. Its childish and sick.

Thank you for your kind words and support. I hope your father can hear you and lets you in.

@Tim B Yeppers. "I forgive myself. Why won't you forgive me?" Ummm... Well, because you're not sorry, didn't apologize or acknowledge your behavior and as usual only care about yourself and your feelings. Repulsive and will likely end with, "Well good for you forgiving yourself. Now f**k off."

You are so welcome!

It sounds like you were perfectly imperfect and just like everybody else we’re not taught how relationship dynamics work and so you were human. It also sounds like you’ve been trying to heal and grow since then and do the best you can. If it were me I would work on forgiving myself and continue my growth and who knows what the future brings

My heart goes out to you, been 7 months for me, can’t imagine 17 years, I’ll be dead by then. It’s time to heal yourself, that’s right. We r. It perfect but others have their expectations of us…seems it’s easier to walk away a few hurt someone than it is to work through issues by going to family counselling together, or talking to each other

Me too ✋️

Please don't beat yourself up further, abuse is never the victims fault, sorry but your kids should be ashamed, they should be grateful you got out and are ok. You didn't have twenty twenty hindsight and never would have married an abuser. Please don't carry guilt. You are and we're the vctim

🌸🌸🌸🌸

You may be right but when your child truly takes responsibilities then I was ready to forgive!! He has told me it was a miracle how I forgave him and repeats how cruel he was!! Ofcourse I don't start up a fight and just listen. I admit I use to call and tell that he needs to respond to my text faster and whine about about what he should do!! Now if it takes time and I don't hear from him in a few weeks I wait for him to call or text and don't lecture!! He seems to love it and respect me more when I say " ohh I realize ya got a wife child a demanding job and you need time for your free time to relax!! Lol

When one of our children walk away from us, the love should stay no matter what. It's called unconditional love and I think a lot of us have lost sight of that.

@@daisygirl1217 unconditional love is nonsense. Let a person go if they want.

I sure haven’t forgotten unconditional love towards my 2 daughters

You are so welcome

You got this!