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“The only way to break the habit of codependency is when you learn that you can get comfort and protection from people other than their person who hurt you.” I felt that in my stomach.
This was such an interesting point because (as very dismissive avoidant) I literally had to learn that I *can* get comfort and protection from people who have hurt me
I think that basic human need for love and connection gets met in different ways for different people and for me, close intimate friendships don't really do it for me. I need that from a partner
My ex is fearful avoidant. Your videos have helped me understand why it ended and it’s the closure I needed. I wish her well and thank you for the lessons!
My experience, too. It takes too much energy to commit in helping these individuals & have a relationship at the same time. You can loose yourself in doing so, that’s how it affected me. I am totally secure on my own, I don’t need or want anything from anybody, either do I want to control anyone in order to have a relationship. I am just happy to be. I came from a place of love to release her & hope that she finds the help she needs.
@@speciallion1135 Ty for both these shares. Put 3 years of my life into setting up and supporting my partner to get a job healthy friends etc, then as I pivot back to myself she cheats and blindsides and goes to travel the world with some dude she hardly knows. It's been 8 months and as AP I'm much closer to secure attachment than I've been.
@speciallion1135 As a fearful avoidant, I don't think this is a fair assumption. You remove the legitimacy of someone's healing that way. Don't forget...the persons whose videos you're watching & finding your own healing from (Heidi) was once a deep FA
Being with an anxious person triggers my avoidant side. Being with an avoidant person triggers my fearful side. I would also latch onto a seemingly secure partner who turned out to be emotionally unavailable at the end which eventually triggers my anxious parts again. Growing up in an unpredictable and dysfunctional household and thinking it was normal really reveal the true damage in my relationships and friendships as an adult. I grew up believing all kinds of love are conditioned, so I unconsciously change my behavior with whomever I’m with, then I become resentful because no one truly knows who I am. I hide my true self, thinking that if I let myself be seen, they would leave, and it destroys me when I opened up to my avoidant partner who made me feel like my emotions were absolutely disgusting.
relatable. wicked reality to deal with. but it gives people like us a sense of purpose. to heal and strive towards a higher self that breaks through maladaptive patterns of ego
Seeing this comment makes me feel my thoughts and experiences are coming back from another person 🫂 whenever someone was anxious with me, I’d get irritated and pull away before there was any relationship, if that person was dismissive I’d get anxious but display manipulative behaviours😢I really want to have a healthy relationship
I'm painfully FA because I come from a long history of generational trauma, and I'm coming to terms with the fact I have to spend the rest of my life coping with this neural wiring. The way that my body physically reacts to any sense of unpredictability or misguided sense of danger from other people is so fucking exhausting. I've ruined so many of my relationships - and myself. I've historically become codependent with intensely abusive people because I just "can't tell" when something is abusive anymore - because all intimate relationships feel like they're supposed to hurt, like I need to cling because nobody else would care about me that well ever again even if a person is actively ruining me. Or slamming the door on people who in hindsight I COULD have worked through issues with, but my body was screaming so loudly I had to run or risk my physical health wearing down. I really needed this video. I've been working on this for years and frankly there's always relapses. I've been working with a therapist and I just realized I've probably been hiding this wound because I still have that inherent fear of revealing these parts of me even to the professional who's supposed to help me. What if they realize I'm a monster inside, what if they tell me they can't help me because it feels like nobody can help me, what if they reject this part of me too? It's a nonstop tug of war. It's going to be a challenge building different intimacies but anything is better than living like this.
Just in case no one else tells you, you're super brave for doing this and I applaud you. It's difficult. It's repetitive. It's enormous at times but it is worth it. I wish you all the best, internet stranger. You deserve to feel better and safer in your own body and in your own life & relationships.
Hey why don’t you try Hypno therapy? The trauma was caused in childhood when you were still running on theta brainwaves and that’s exactly the brainwave Hypno therapy works in. It goes straight to your subconscious, which is where your shadow sits. I’m a fa and have read all the books and watched all the videos and whilst that still really helped me to understand and become less reactive, it didn’t help me end that endless cycle. I’ve got two kids with two dads and am still single because of poor choices that are hardwired into me 😂 I started Hypno therapy about two months ago and I am literally being born again. Beautiful feeling. It’s like a healing shortcut. Highly recommend. ❤
@@annalimpert4605 Could you share a link or something so that we can find a reliable therapist who does this type of hypnosis therapy online? Thank you for sharing.
Hey I am doing an in-person-therapy with a woman in Berlin, where I live. She recommended me about 5-6 sessions á 2-3 hours. Her name on google is “Hypnosetherapie & -coaching Vesna Stipanovic Berlin”. Not sure whether her homepage offers any English information though. :)
Intentional vs. accidental intimacy 🔥🔥 I'm slowly realising that I also need to vet who I a intentionally intimate with. Some friends unfortunately do not have the holding capacity I need. Through no fault of their own
I think you are BY FAR the best at unpacking these subjects, at least on RU-vid. And yet, it seems more realistic for me to attempt to walk to Hawaii than it is to attempt this.
As a FA, the term “intimacy desert” really describes me well. Being a people pleaser and a fawner (due to my mother who was my primary caregiver but also unpredictable and was scary to me at times) I have always put other people first even though it is to my detriment. I have very few close friends and rarely get involved in romantic relationships due to my internal mess. I would like to widen my circle of friends and be more comfortable when dating or in a romantic relationship but it kind of scares the hell out of me. I have some deep attachment wounds that resulted in codependency, enmeshment, and parentification. I’m working with a professional to work through and process this stuff but it is really hard, painful work. Thank you once again for another great video!
Exactly this, although I am building deeper connections, it is very common for me to actually forget what a deep intimate relationship looks like (esp the romantic version) and that I even want or need one.
You can do it! Your story sounds so similar to mine, but I feel like I am finally healing. I've been going to addiction recovery groups and men's groups and really sharing. Just like is suggested here, and it works!
This topic/ attachment style really hits home with me. I thought I had an anxious attachment style beneath my avoidant style but now I know it was only in situations where loss was threatened and I had nowhere else to go for intimacy. This attachment style explains so much of my existential agony, including my suffering around my True Self not being seen in my public life but above all in my art. I have lately moved to a new country and made a conscious effort to build my warm outside world of friends and community before building my love life. Additionally, I have started performing stand up comedy and challenging myself to be seen fully in front of audiences without requiring applause or validation from the crowd. This has been oddly and powerfully transformative and healing, but I still feel it taking time for my true self to appear everywhere, especially my feelings and emotions. I went from being a people pleaser at a young age to very “calm” and “centered” and “stoic” as an adult. Neither allows me to display my full range of feelings in a safe and secure way. Thank you for a highly informative video.
This is so well done. A big piece for me was to change why I shared. I don’t have any expectations when I do so. I do it for me, not to get something from them. It doesn’t matter then whether they “let me down” with their reaction. I made myself proud by choosing to show myself. And that’s the main take away.
"Surround yourself with emotionally intelligent people who have a high functioning compassion " is easier said than done. The only place I get this is from my therapist. I am from India, we don't have any support groups etc. Since I come from an abusive childhood and used to seeking comfort from those who hurt me has made me attract similar partners and close friends. It's been a huge struggle to find emotionally safe people to relate to. In India one can't even share that one is in therapy without being stigmatised.
About that quote: I've always thought that as a corollary this means that if you don't have these properties, you are one of those people that should be avoided if the advice was followed by everybody else. If you're unhappy and are advised to surround yourself with happy people (because happy people have a positive effect), then surely happy people, following the same advice, would not choose you to have around.
@@jarredstone1795 hahaha sounds like a catch 22 doesn't it! 😊 I do feel I have been naturally emotionally intelligent and compassionate though, but have had trouble attracting the same, possibly due to being a 'people fixer' which was developed as a coping mechanism which I am trying to heal.
I never realized these patterns in myself, but your take on the "cold outside world" made me realize this is exactly how I feel life and relate to intimacy. It's so easy to craft this persona of invulnerability, but deep down, I'm just afraid the world will reject me if they get to know the "real" me. Thanks for the video, you are a fundamental piece in the journey of self-awareness and healing for many people, including myself.
Did that Happen to you ??? Thats terrible!!! Im so sorry If you went through that! Please know that These people Prob did have a digust Response due to their own incapacity to aknowledge their Feelings/ fear the intimacy of it. judgment sometimes is Just a Defense mechanism to not Connect, to Not feel oneself, and to leave before the other can for the Same reasons - this has nothing to do with you. It is painful to find Out people Just Loved the mask, the pseudo Connection and we're only there for it- But its better you know now- there are people who will Love you as you are and vice versa- having Had such a Situation for me enforced More clearly: i need to get closer to myself, Foster self-intimacy, Fall Out of Love with my own mask, create More authentic Expression, BECAUSE it will Very much Filter the people who are attracted to a specific Version (which can be lovely parts of you but Not at all your whole Being) Out of your social circle right away and More determined- so there is Not the lingering fear of the Showdown Moment, the big reveal, the great Striptease exposing you there with nothing but the bare vunerable, shaking, helpless and scared Version of yourself in dire need to be Held right there, right now and the Feeling of Life or death depending on it. Longterm Being real with yourself and others will disepate the paranoia and the fear of reaching the Point of (having to, accidently) unravelling the mask, because there is Non (or a socially adaptive one that you can Pick and Put off consciously and decisevly for as Heidi Said: you dont owe you innerst self to strangers and deserve self Space/boundaries too), and it will make Space for those who do want to genuily Connect, would Love and feel grateful, honoured and safer too for you showing your human/vunerable side- These people are Out there (you yourself Might be one of them yourself, so ..:) Oii Wish you Well 🍀✨🙌🏾
@@laskaaksala1712aaw thank you 🏵️ it's not really as bad as it might seem. It's mainly about one friend who's probably disgusted by her own emotions as well, so I didn't really take it personally, but it did make me angry. It always seems hypocritical when people invalidate you. As if their urge to invalidate isn't a sign that they themselves are having a similar issue. And she didn't say, it was disgusting, it was more like, written on her face and body language. In my friends' defence, I did mess up, I have an unfortunate tendency to say everything that comes to my mind and I offended many of them without knowing while going through some problems. So the conclusion was, I stopped sharing with most of them the stuff that I was going through and I am trying to handle it online, which is how I discovered this channel, so it's cool ☃️✨
Heidi you truly are a gift from the universe for everyone that listens and understands. You really get to the core of everything when you explain. You have the gift of the word and I hope you'll be able to reach as many people as humanly possible with your knowledge. Thank you 💗
I just got abruptly dumped by someone who fits this description nearly exactly and this is helping so much. It’s not something wrong with me, I’m just an emotionally transparent person who people tend to open up to, and even though I wouldn’t talk about other people’s trauma, he was probably triggered by what he shared with me and too afraid to continue the relationship.
Woww this was so helpful for me. I've been super insecure and kept feelings secret from everyone for as long as I can remember, until my first serious relationship when I was 19. Became 1000% codependent. I've noticed that one strategy I've developed over time is to almost create these alternate personas for myself, which I will happily share deep feelings with just about anyone, but it doesn't quite feel like the REAL me I'm sharing about so it's okay. Maybe I'm imagining talking about someone else, or like I'm creating a character in a story, giving people this illusion of intimacy, but deep down I am able to stay guarded from people knowing the truth. I do this even with therapists, and at this point, I sometimes don't know where the characters end and real me starts....
And it's so odd because I don't even know what I'm worried about people finding out. It's like a weird compulsion that's been trained into me. I'll even lie about my feelings or an event, only to wonder later, why the hell did I say that?? I also spend a lot of time talking to myself and sharing deep feelings with either real or imagined people inside my own head, which really helps meet my immediate needs for intimacy but also I think is a crutch that prevents me from reaching out and making real friendships.
This deeply resonated w/me - very profound truths. I always understood (& felt personally) that FAs have a deep need to be seen, heard, understood (coming from a lifetime of invalidation, childhood neglect & shame for having needs/expressing strong emotions.) I desire to be fully seen, heard, validated & understood. I realize that I must first do this in the relationship to myself!
My ex FA finally started to open up after 3 years but it was short lived...a few weeks later he abruptly ended it and went stone cold. So hard to see someone you love walk away when it could be worked on within the relationship if they could talk to you 😢
Same here, 3 years. We had one insignificant fight that could be solved within an hour. She didn’t wanted the relationship anymore. Stone cold “, just a whishy-washy text message and no closure.
The nuance in your work is truly exceptional, Heidi. I have received a profound understanding of self-intimacy from your work and I’m happy with my development. Book resources that have helped me: 1. Healing the Shame that Binds You - John Bradshaw(plus his PBS series here on RU-vid) 2. Healing the Child Within- Charles Whitfield 3. Self-compassion work - really enjoy Tara Brach’s work 4. The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
I just broke up a situationship where I was bradcrumbed until they moved on to someone else, and I keep on coming mentally back to them, and wanting a repair from them, and I was so frustrated, because I didn't intellectually understand why I did so (I'm aware that it makes no sense for me to expect someone that's been so dismissive of me to show any care!) Now I understand why. Thankfully I have some good friends around to come to.
Thank you so much, Heidi. You always provide such deep & useful insight into how we FAs operate in relationships. I agree with getting your intimacy needs met with other people/groups, but highly suggest doing this one group at a time. It's terrifying to do. I was actually in a group like this for year and I found that I was able to be vulnerable at first, but then as the membership of the group changed, I started clamming up again. It is definitely a process. But I strongly encourage anyone who's doing this to NEVER, EVER GIVE UP, even if you suffer a setback. Doing the work is really tough, but doing without it is even worse. Living without intimacy is hell on earth.
Thank you, Heidi. "Warming the outside world," huh? Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I don't know why I felt I needed permission to seek connections outside my emotionally barren primary partnership. This shows me more clearly that I am actively preventing intimacy in all my relationships. I can try to build some new bridges. And strengthen others. You have such a clear way of explaining the path to healthier ways of being. This video hits the nail on the head. I did have a scary parent. I did need to help her regulate. My empathy with others and desire to perform emotional heroics with others is all to increase my safety and connection. So again, I ask, how much empathy is too much? My feelers are almost always out. My feet are trying to be in everyone else's shoes. How do i stop? Should I stop? Where is the value in this? Is there none? My over empathizing and desire to help is beginning to seem patronizing and intrusive, maybe, now that I am taking a step back. Especially since i am still looking at the world with my own lense of misconceptions. You've done so much research and self work, that what you say here is like the Cliff Notes of all of that. I get really greedy to learn more. Thank you for making these videos. They really help. I am grateful to you.
One thing I heard that’s stuck with me is if you are kind because you are trying to gain a sense of safety, validation or acceptance/love from someone else that is people pleasing but if you are kind to someone bc it makes YOU feel good, that is authentic love. As we learning to live outside of survival mode slowly, I’ve found that authentic love starts coming up far more often and people pleasing starts fading
I am tired. Watching all those RU-vid videos on attachement, relations and why things go wrong, are a very good content. The bad part is that is constantly giving me the feeling I am dysfunctional, not lovable, have to work on tons of issues and that probably no one should chose me for a relation cause I am a disaster . I am a good person and I try to good. I don’t explode, I don’t manipulate people, I don’t do anything bad to anyone but myself. I am self destructive. I want someone to love me just like this and love me and help me become normal, someone that is like a catalyser. I can’t fix myself on my own
I’m not even halfway through the video but this is already explaining me perfectly. I thought I was an anxious attacher during my last two emotionally chaotic relationships with avoidants, but after taking a quiz and learning more, I am realizing I am definitely a FA. I’m so happy to have this information, it feels so much more empowering now that I understand myself more. Thank you for this.
Can you please talk about how to heal sex and intimacy for us dealing with fearful-avoidant attachment? It’s been a deeply painful challenge within my relationship and creating a major strain on it. I think a lot of people with this style of attachment could probably relate 🙏🏽
Thankyou so much for this video. I was feeling so lonely & isolated. My relationship is going through what you've currently mentioned, I feel like I've lost everything, since I'm just not able to relate with my partner or see any future with them. I feel like I'm damaged or that there's something so fundamentally wrong with me. I have a business, i would love to have a mentor, I'm so broke I can't afford a therapist. I have one friend, and i feel so ashamed to unpack what's going on with me. I don't have a deep enough relationship with my family, where I share what's going on with me or how i feel. I just feel numb, restless, unhappy etc. Please make more fearful avoidant content
I am sorry youre experience this right now. That Sounds incredible harsh and exhausting. I Hope you lent yourself a Lot of compassion and tenderness whilst trying to heal and search for Tools, that in itself is powerful and brave of you to do and a crucial step to keep making, especially when Feeling Set back. Be Kind to yourself. I can recommend Pauline timmer- Healing the fearful avoidant Attachment Style as another source Here, she is incredible compassionate, detailed and wise. Good luck to you 🍀✨
@@laskaaksala1712 Thankyou so much for reaching out. I really really appreciate it. Your kindness has reached me. Uum it's tough right now, cz I literally feel as though even if I didn't exist it wouldn't really matter that much to others, other than my mother of course. I'm hoping I can work past the immense cloud of emotion(I'm not even sure what emotion it is that I'm feeling) but I'm hoping I can work past it. I appreciate the resource you've suggested, I'll dig into it and explore it
I really like the term "accidental intimacy" seems very characteristic of my social history. I'm going to try and remember this term and find excuses to use it!
@@magdalenagutierrez3072 "Hey, you know when I cried at work the other day and you gave me a hug? That was accidental intimacy. So if we could take that and turn it into intentional intimacy, that'd be great." (gets called in to HR)
My experience is with coworkers and how on Monday’s I tend to share way more than their bargain for with the conventional “how was your weekend”. Or the other extreme: I have one coworker that I avoided for about 5 years not even stopping at her door to say “how are you today”… until after the pandemic when I laid down my guard. I opened up and started sharing super deep existential stuff. Thank God she’s very artistic/teacher type and did not automatically discard “the material “. We are friends now and I’m understanding better appropriate intimacy so I’m pretty sure our dynamic will improve 🥳
I watched your video this morning and it's been rolling around in my head all day. I felt drawn to watch it again and now I can't stop crying, it has brought up so much. I have much to contemplate. You have a great gift, Heidi. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences and your ongoing journey of healing. I have learned so much from your videos. I have been in an ongoing relationship with a fearful avoidant for nearly five years. Your experiences and wisdom have answered so many questions for me. I try each day to help her on her path of healing and the insights you have shared have been eye opening and helping me with how to better address her needs. Thank you for explaining so much and for providing these videos. I also am thankful that you've helped to validate a lot of the journey that I have been going on through all of this and your encouragement has meant so much.
I really appreciate you Heidi, the way you approach conversations around insecure attachment whatever kind is so helpful, you look at it from the perspective of a lack of skill, a lack of knowledge & understanding, a lack of correct modelling all of which can be attained once we bring awareness to it. Your channel has been truly transformational and yes, please keep tslimg about the shame that binds us, it is now becoming more and more apparent that shame has no room if we are to heal past our arrested development and become our secure, contended, healthy selves
Thank you to you too for articulating your comment as you have. I felt an instant sense of connection to the idea that insecure attachment is due to a lack of skill, a lack of knowledge, understanding and proper modelling. I don’t think I’ve quite seen it framed this way and it is incredibly helpful.
I thought I was more Anxiously Attached up until today. I hadn’t looked into Fearful Avoidant because when I would hear about it, seemed like you had to have one of three examples from your childhood like someone that was an alcoholic, drug addict, SA, etc in order to have that style. but after learning that chaos is a factor in that and actually learning about the FA it is scary spot on to me and honestly, although I’m super bummed that this is who I am right now, I feel validated. I feel validated that maybe this is partly why maintaining friendships has been hard for me and why I act so surface level with friends and my true self in a relationship. I was always on high alert of my parents moods, especially my moms. The heat example was scary accurate for me and my last relationship. You explained how I feel almost too well that it’s scary but again extremely validating. I have work to do, thank you so much for your channel.
I swear Heidi you somehow manage to make the most perfectly timed videos 😅 I haven't felt so understood in this matter for a very very very long time. I'll be trying to make this change 👍
Excellent ideas that as a FA that I never learned or received in my 10+ years of therapy. At 68, I wish I had the hopeful optimism necessary to embark on the healing journey you describe so eloquently. However and sadly, I am perfectly content hiding my deepest areas of shame from others and I have no desire for deeper intimacy and connection with others.
Thank you! You explain everything so well. I went through this with joining groups and then feeling so triggered and like I wanted to run and hide. I would take the time I needed and skipped sometimes but kept going back and sitting with the discomfort. The joy I feel from connecting is such an amazing feeling that it makes it all worth it to keep putting myself out there.
You are so talented and practical about your knowledge. No theory story. I just felt everything real and happening with me. ❤❤❤❤❤❤thank you so much. ❤❤God bless your soul.i m so happy that I found you here.
An interesting related topic to explore in a future video might be to explore why dismissive avoidants generally do not like common signs of extended physical affection with a romantic partner - kissing, holding hands, embracing - which are key to developing a secure, stable and safe bond.
Thank you heidi, I really needed this Could you do a video about experiencing joy and fun with others? Specifically strangers. It is difficult for me to have fun with others, I know its related to a fear of rejection, being judged, and being vulnerable. Most people want to have fun first, then deeper stuff. I like the opposite but I know its a trauma response bc I want to know its safe to be fun/joyful. But I'd like more friends, this is blocking me. Thank you ❤ As an example, I do ecstatic dancing for healing and fun. Lots of people want to dance with me but I'm afraid to dance with them, don't know how to dance with them, hard to be spontaneous and improv and just have fun and let go with them. It's nice to dance "in the collective blob" lol but hard to connect one on one with a partner 🫤
Well this is refreshing. I’ve been stumbling upon too many of these think pieces lately that say “your wife should be the only one that you confide in” and questioning if I’m some kind of piece of shit because there are some conversations I simply do not want to have with her that I can have with other friends.
There is also the self sabotage and abuse from an FA who expects kind reading and explodes and projects their fear of abandonment on healthy others. … that re-creates the shame, but they do it to themselves. Even in the earnest, safest house, they burn it down.
Heidi, today I felt called to return to your content and express gratitude. You helped be through a very chaotic time in my journey with the ENFP survival guide and typology information. I am so proud of how you have blossomed and grown over the years, and all the people you support on a daily basis. You go gurl, keep up the amazing work and endless gratitude for all that you do ❤️❤️❤️
Excellent video. I started implementing a lot of these methods once I started consistently going to therapy. And it changed my life tremendously with my friendships & close family. I, however still struggle with vulnerability in my romantic relationships with a partner.
Hi Heidi, I love your videos. They are major part of my self healing journey. I have many childhood trauma because of my parents. But I know my parents also had very difficult childhood. They both were neglected as a child and were living in a dysfunctional family. My father has people pleasing behavior, he also shows trait of dependency. He was emotionally neglected as a child My mother avoids emotional conflicts and she has a trait of rejection. She denies whatever she doesn't like or want to hear even when she herself did that thing to me and others. She can't connect with others at emotional level. My childhood was a mess. Now I understood myself and how helpless, lost,sad I was as a kid. Now I am adult. I am dealing with my trauma and working on them. But I am not able to blame my parents for the trauma they gave to me because I know they had difficult childhood too. This causes me to feel frustrated, confused and angry. I don't want to dissociate because of this anymore. How can I tackle this? How can I deal with this? Please help. Thank you.❤❤❤❤
I was wondering why your videos resonated with me so much and I realized its because I have the same attachment style so maybe its because of that! Also you're just really good at explaining deeper things. top notch emotional education right here.
Wow! Thank you for this, because this is me. You broke down some of my processes 100% this is very insightful for me I took many notes and you have given me a view of myself that I so needed to now be able to brake down and now make a plan to change and combat it. Thank you so much for this i hope you have a wonderful day 👋🙂
Likely because you started with FA, everything you say about it is so eerily relatable. Among all the hate for avoidants, it's so helpful to hear my own shameful struggles said out loud by someone else. Everything is so accurate and precise and just makes sense. Maybe it's also because it's been quite a While since i got into AT and back then, maybe i was dumber, but now i am understanding things so much more clearly. ♡
Wow Heidi what an incredible video! Thank you so much! This really affirms for me just how helpful Al anon meetings have been. It also inspires me to really dig in and keep going! Thank you!!!
Really great counsel! Thx Heidi. All intimacy starts w the emergence of self-intimacy. Otherwise i'm only offering a false projection of myself which I'm detached from. That places me in the crowd just watching the scripted movie....feeling like the ultimate, unintentioned, unaware imposter. That makes TRUE intimacy impossible, & surely the goal of my fearful inner child. But that was unsustainable, and finding the way out has been critical. This took too long to discover, & was the dragon guarding the solution--which is self love, honesty & compassion.
The guy I am seeing intermittently is FA and the reason it’s intermittently is because everytime we speak or see each other he ends up deactivating. Sometimes in a weeks time and sometimes if we have deep conversations then he immediately deactivates the next day. We have never had any arguments or negative components to our relationship except for his constant deactivating. It’s exhausting for me and I have pulled away a couple times because he isn’t in a place he is self aware enough to be working to improve. I am trying to improve myself and have been for over 3 years. He keeps coming back even when I tell him I can’t keep going with the hot and cold. I seriously care about him and wish we could just have a normal relationship without all the time dealing with him needing so much space. I try to understand all this but really don’t when we don’t have any fights!
Please do yourself a favor and continue to work on your own healing, which includes understanding why you continue to give chance after chance, when he has proven his inconsistency. Until those with insecure attachment styles endeavor to change and truly commit to doing so, you will be caught in the same vicious cycle of pain again and again. Set firm boundaries with him and stick to them.
So you know that face to face interaction and intensity disrupts his peace of mind, and gets him overstimulated to the point of being dysfunctional, but you keep doing it?
@@rachelbartlett1970 I will agree with you, except probably in a different way than you meant what you said. It sounds to me like she was trying to normalize a dysfunctional relationship by doing the normal things couples do. Interact, talk, spend time together. He can't deal with the closeness, so he shuts down. So the fact she keeps setting herself up for more pain by continuing to pursue the relationship is proof positive that she needs to work on her anxious attachment in order to let go of people unwilling to heal their own shit.
@@thisdivinefeminine632 yes this is probably pretty accurate but please realize I have cut things off with him a few times now and he keeps returning. I am not healed enough from my anxious attachment to ignore him when he comes back because yes I want it to work out and unfortunately he is not yet working on healing himself. I’m thankfully healed enough I am in zero way chasing him which is a relief!
@@rachelbartlett1970 you probably mean to be helpful here but you sound like I am intentionally causing him issues???? That’s not the case. In all interactions with him he has initiated contact and in all interactions he is telling me he wants a relationship with me including marriage, living together ect. It is unfortunate he can not fulfill what he himself would like to have happen. I have been loving and understanding to him in all interactions despite the pain he causes with his inconsistency. Mainly because I know he isn’t trying to hurt me. On the other hand I have stopped our communications on 3 separate occasions and in all 3 times he has come back to me. Once after 7 months another after 3 months and again after 5-6 weeks. No I have not yet reached a point of ignoring him when he reaches back out to me. Probably that time will be coming sooner than later unfortunately because it is too painful to go through and it is not getting anywhere with the long term relationship I desire.
Had a disturbance in a personal relationship this weekend due to my trust issues/collision of our traumas, and this video is right on time. Thankful for all the videos you’ve posted because it was something that likely would have caused me to run even a few months ago, but we’re taking the space to regulate you spoke of here and will return to discuss. ETA: Meant to add my support circle has also grown thanks to your advice which has made a GREAT difference
Helping to explain part of why I've been solo since 2013. Between trauma of being raised by an abusive parent that didn't know i was autistic, finding out I'm asexual after forcing myself to be intimate for many years... it's been too overwhelming to even think about dating, much less being in a relationship.
Thank you for making these videos. I find your way of explaing concepts to be very digestible. I feel like I am starting to have an understanding of what is going on in my head.
You have such a brilliant way of distilling such complex emotional realities into digestible sound bites. Your channel has helped me more than I can capture in words
I'm 25. I just started watching these videis and im definitely a fearful avoidant. Can you please make videos on how I, and others like me, can make friends? I'm alone. I don't let anyone see the real me.... I'm so sad and lonely tbh :/
I cannot thank you enough for these videos. I’ve healed so much & come so far but my FA attachment style continues to hurt me & hinder my progress. I had a freakout/breakthrough with my other FA friend the other night and it was so good and such a relief, but even though we both *know* we are FA, we both keep having moments where we don’t trust each other and start to pull back/fall back in avoidant behaviors. I’m definitely that bubbly cheerful person who is secretly avoidant and I think this round of healing is me recognizing that I have been and am being avoidant with a lot of people even though I’m being friendly with them and we’re laughing and having fun. I struggle to find that true intimacy with almost anyone. To be fair, my FA/trauma has led me to choose bad people over and over, so I’m still recovering from the latest round of betrayal and bs that happened to me (an indirect one happened recently and a direct one happened last year that was devastating to my sense of trust for a long time…and then that indirect one happened and I got triggered again). It sucks when the people you love the most are some of the most triggering and sometimes are the perpetrators too. I live with my family and I financially can’t afford to leave yet but also have avoided leaving bc I’m so codependent with them. I turn 27 next week & I am READY TO FINALLY LEAVE!!!! So I’m trying to work on letting go of that codependent behavior. It’s hard but so worth it. Thank you a million times over 💕💗💕💕
It's hard to find a good therapist. Ive never looked at myself in this light but it's so true. I was diagnosed later in life so it's a long road ahead. I always wondered why I got so emotional in relationships and ended up having to placate my partner to avoid any conflict which ended with me resenting them and feeling like I was constantly living someone else's life. Agghhh I could've chosen a less complicated disorder but no ,not me😂 CPTSD doesn't help either. I have learnt to be alone now, it just feels like a hill too hard to climb at my age.(44)
I love the concept of intentional intimacy. And I’ve been obsessed trying to repair my heating furnace for weeks all the while wondering why, if there was a deeper lesson to learn 🎉And there is! ❤️🔥Muchísimas gracias Heidi. 👩🏼🎤
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time and care you are taking in explaining this in such an insightful and profound way. Your videos are making a huge impact on the way I perceive and understand myself.
I absolutely love your channel. Thank you for letting me and so many other FA's feel seen, heard, and like there is hope of healing after all the trauma❤you have done more for me than any therapist❤
I can totally relate. Yet, even thought I have spent many years in recovery from addiction, adult children groups, codependency recovery, and therapy. I still find myself unconsciously going into “safe” relationships or groups with my armour up. Comes down to a safety/trust issue. Not completely shut down by any means, yet really only crumbs instead of a full seat at the table. This video has motivated me to begin trusting more with “safe” people or groups.
I think you described only one possible progression stage of fearful avoidant development road, and presented the "solution" as the final stone to solve the problem with intimacy, but my life experience demonstrates another optional scenerio, hear that out. I'm a fearful avoidant. As you said, my mother is very intimidating, and when she rages all you want is to make her stop, obsessively and anxiously. And this is how my first long term relationship with my anxious (age 30) type ex was like. we got into big fights, at least weekly, and after each fight he needed sometimes a whole day to cool down, and I obsessively always tried to make it faster because it destressed me and made it uncomfortable and impossible to be around him in this state. And here the similarities to the video ends. I was closed inside my internal world and had intimacy only with myself until I finished highschool, then I came out of the closet, and with that I slowly learnd how to build intimacy with people, I literally usually share everything about me, very fast, with people I admire, and it works wonderful ly. People describe me as authentic, interesting and charismatic. (Some can get intimidated by that but they are a minority) Because I have many "intimacy outlets" and I feel like I master it, it feels very convenient to shut those friendships down just when the firsts rages and big fightings arrive, I don't stay and turn down the fires, I just go. And I do so also with my mother nowadays, anyone who like fires can burn himself in it as much as he wants. In the long term relationship I described before, I tried to break up at least 3 times, and he just used all his power to prevent that, as expected from anxious, and that kept me in the vicious miserable cycle you described in the video. Even though at the end of it I learnd how to let him to get upset and calm himself down without taking it too hard on myself, it still made me feel like I suffer, I was inlove, and suffering at the same time. And to him, me not playing this dramatic game anymore, made him to worsening his act even more, to a point I needed to end it for good. So in conclusion, a fearful avoidant who master developing intimacy with others, work less harder through relationships crises, therefore their relationships can be too short, and therefor not satisfying enough. Relationships that will stay for very long time will be friendships with strict boundaries where those big fights and fires can only rarely happen in very specific circumstances. And even with the ones i can get together with for 10+ years, i always feel like im not in the top intimacy level possible with them. I spiculate that because all over my childhood I didn't have intimacy and desired it deeply, I glorified it with my imagination to a point I can't never be really get satisfied with any deep long intimate connection, I always feel others have it better than me, and that's a big big wound to carry, that's the real pain in my heart, I really couldn't care less about romantic desires, true intimacy, platonic, non sexual, not driven by romantic love, is the only thing occupies my mind.
Love this! I will say that I almost became codependent on my previous therapist. Just something to note that I'm sure happens. I've done best as of late nurturing my few intimate close friendships. Where we all have our own lives and workloads but are actively there to listen to each other or go do something together. I also find connections with my work team where we more so relate as well as support each other throughout the day. I've learned to say I'm overwhelmed and ask for help more. My husband is DA, and he's actually told me that he has been a bit jealous at my consistent plans with friends. Lol. The impact of consciously getting my needs met in healthy ways has been life altering.
I want to thank you Heidi for doing the hardwork and stepping out of your comfort to get to the place you are and sharing your understanding. I thought through all the psychological material I was learning about relational attachment that I am fearful/avoidant. But I don’t really know entirely after watching this. I think from all the characteristics of the different types that I am, but I am now after almost 4/5 years of trying to work through this on my own am now going to see a therapist who deals with people who have trauma.
My FA Ex rebounded 26-days later after ending our 3½ relationship out of the blue or in a triggered state. Went NC when I learned of the rebound. After a year she blew up messenger angrily demanding that I remove pictures of us before the breakup on facebook. I answered that those memories where precious to me, as our relationship was special. She got extremely angry and threatened me with the police, and told me that I had ben psychologically abuse towards her. I just ignored that and continued NC. Now a week ago, I learned that they were broken up. She sent me a message, deleted it and then deleted all the horribly shit she called me and then blocked me. Five days later she reconnected with the rebound. She have caused me more pain than anyone else in my life and she moved on with such ease.
These videos you've been uploading recently feel like a guide specifically made for me, it's almost scary! In the beginning of this one, you literally talk about my latest relationship and my inability to deal with the breakup. My attachment style has most likely developed because of the friction that my undiagnosed neurodevelopmental disorder has caused.
Heidi, your videos make me feel so seen and understood! But I also love how you explain everything so well. I’m always learning from your channel about my attachment style struggles. At least I haven’t found a therapist yet who has as much insight about attachment as you seem to!
I’ve listened to so many different coaches or therapy professionals on here and they all speech so much crap! But Heidi is the absolute best ! Wished I’d found her in the beginning 😊
Hey Heidi, I found your channel after reading "Attached" and identifying as the "rare" fearful avoidant... I've gotten so much out of your videos. I'm leaving this comment on the off-chance it'll be seen with this request in mind: You've spoken about Jungian theory and 12 step programs on numerous occasions and even mentioned Bill W. As someone who's been sober in AA for 4 years I find I have a hard time squaring acceptance of the "Shadow", boundaries, and 12 step's emphasis on selflessness. I would love to hear your take on the psychological mechanisms of the 12 steps as I feel that despite my sobriety, I'm still struggling with my own Dark Night... thank you for all you do.
I'm mostly anxious preoccupied, but I really relate to this intimacy desert concept. My on-again off-again relationship is on a one-month break right now I don't experience shame in the same way you're describing, but as a man trying to build intimate connections outside of a romantic relationship that will actually meet the need for intimacy is nearly impossible what is possible is to, as you say, warm up the world. I seem to be good at that. I would say that I'm a very happy person and also a very lonely person. It is what it is. She texted me yesterday to let me know that a medical procedure had gone well. I've resisted the urge to respond so far
It’s been 9 months and still crying over ex. I go back and forth between acceptance and anger, turning him into the villain to feel like I can move on. And then I question that and blame myself. I know logically that I was not ready for another serious relationship. I still had a lot of wounds and hadnt mastered quieting the voices that nudged me into bad habits. The other person also seemed to have unresolved wounds/trauma and I think same for him, we triggered eachother or he just shut down and left. I thought we had so much potential. The first relationship where we could talk. But the way he broke up with me felt so cold. It started fast and intense, and then sort of ended abruptbly and he refused to talk to me, just wanted it to be over. Then we talked months later and he still seemed to make it about me and not being able to get passed thibgs I had done to hurt him. and that feels so unfair. And so I feel like Im inching my way to peace, but still get triggered when I hear his name or songs that remind me of him.
I did let him see it and was vulnerable with him. We had been friends, or so I thought, for 25 years. The result? He boot-stomped my heart. Fortunately I had some good friends who stood by me, few though they are.
I've never had a video so thoroughly explain the way I've gone about life and relationships... The only thing is I don't remember any specific or grand chilhood trauma or abuse.
