Feeling overwhelmed? || For Highly Sensitive People 

One of the biggest boundaries I've noticed is corporations that don't respect the personal time of their employees. My company, as do a great many others, has been allowed to get away with understaffing and overworking its employees. I now refuse to work at a breakneck speed and if the work isn't done by the time I'm scheduled to leave then I go home anyway. A sustainable speed is a speed at which I can work continuously and still have energy left over to use for my own projects when I get home. Others have seen how happy this has made me, having my personal time and energy back to myself, and they followed suit. The company has now been forced to hire a full staff of people to do the required amount of work in the required amount of time. As it should have been all along.

A non-negotiable for me is that I need time alone. Being around people, even if I enjoy very much their company, it's draining and stressing. I need time on my own to recharge and keep my sanity.

i need a podcast of you just talking us through more topics like this.

What my partner and I call hermit time. Complete alone time with no judgment or interruption. We both use it and will sometimes ask the other if they need it. Especially important during lockdowns...

I love the idea of "non-negotiables" and "inner authority." I struggle with both and this framing is very helpful.

As a mental health counselor, I meet a lot of clients who use "busyness" as a coping mechanism. They learned to deal with their emotions by distracting themselves with endless things to do and always being on the go. Then when something happens to slow them down (unemployment, retirement, burnout, an injury or illness, kids leaving home, etc.) all those emotions hit them hard and they can really struggle to cope. This is 100% not a judgment! Everybody has their own "go to" response to stress. Just as some people numb, avoid, or shut down under stress, others throw themselves into overwork. My point here is that the people you see who seem to be doing everything at once without breaking a sweat are not necessarily more self-disciplined or even more healthy. They might just have a different coping style.

Thank you for this brilliant gift. Tomorrow’s my 70th birthday and I’ve decided that being a grownup was so overrated and now I’m going to aim for ‘a dotage filled with my personal best efforts and it will be quite adequate…thank you’. As for personal boundary formation, decades ago I adopted a fairly regulated (some people said it was restricting) lifestyle. Im Jewish so it was easy to keep a Sabbath, there’s dietary and behavior rules too; but I had to learn the hard way to say no to a lot of requests and to give myself permission to feel good about it. As women raised in the mid 20th century in a hyper-social extrovert dominant culture, we were still trained to be nice to everyone, to say yes with a smile to so much and to label ourselves as selfish if we found our needs included personal non-social down time…yes, even with the Sabbath, it can be socially burdensome, but I’m happier now than I was when younger.

“Sensitive & Overwhelmed” oh look it’s the title of my autobiography!

Your voice has always been a kind and gentle inspiration to reveal the beauty and the quiet power within the human spirit for many (specially us: the more introverted sort), and so I'm very very happy that now, you are able to find that power within your own voice. Thank you for all the inspiration and beauty that you have continuously provided us. It is only within finding community that one can feel a sense of acceptance, and it was within this one, that I found mine. Thank you.

Years ago, before COVID and even now, I noticed that some businesses would have voicemail messages that said: leave a message and we'll get back to you within 24-48 hours. ... So I started doing the same. I am no longer a slave to my phone. I'm no longer at the outside world's beck and call girl. Let them wait until I'm good and ready to interact with them. Truthfully, I call them back if my energy is high. If it's low, they wait until I can be intelligent and speak coherently. 💖🌞🌵😷

My main non-negotiable is to give up all "entertainment" that contains graphic violence, graphic sex, frightening images, dark themes, etc. Period. This of course means that I'm hopelessly out of touch with popular culture because I don't watch TV or movies (at all), and my reading material is pretty limited. My family and friends understand this, and if one of them are reading the latest thriller, there is a good chance that they may say "you'd hate this, Chris." I'm completely good with that.

I literally cried listening to this letter. I constantly feel like a failure for not being a normal person. I just can’t get it together. The pain is real

i think your voice is beautiful no matter what, but your progress and excitement around it is pure and lovely and makes me proud. i feel like a child watching their mother bloom on her own.

I love that you take time to adress these issues. So much is garbage online and adds to stress. You are a haven Cathy. Thank you for being you

Oh, happy! So glad you are getting your voice back! Oh WOW! This person sounds JUST LIKE ME! 😲 non-negotiables… I need two recovery days for any day that includes social activities, be it meetings, lunch, or kids to the park; I do best if all public interactions are scheduled in the mornings, giving me all afternoon and evening to reset for the next morning, and I MUST eat on my proper diet!

When I was at university, some semesters I took 4 classes instead of the usual 5 because I was feeling overwhelmed with the homeworks and my student job. My cousin was on the other end of the spectrum as she had like 8 classes each semester while working lots of hours. It made me feel inadequate at first, but I realized we have different personalities and to each its rythm.

I raised my hand! At 56 years of age, I still struggle with this. I often feel like a failure, am easily overwhelmed, struggle with paperwork and bureaucratic responsibilities. It is reassuring to know that I am not alone. Your suggestions of boundaries are something I can employ and should help.

I raised my hand quickly! A non-negotiable for me is to participate in my hobby which brings me joy. Thank you, Cathy, for this brilliant insight and comforting message.

Thank you so much Cathy

Is it strange that l cried when Cathy happily said “I’m finally getting my voice back” at 0:16 ?

Edit: Oh yes, I certainly put my hand up. My non-negotiables: I absolutely do not look at work emails or take work calls outside of work hours. I need at least 90 minutes walk - preferably alone, preferably passing a body of water - every other day, minimum. I need 95% of my social time to have purpose, as I get very stressed in "just show up and chat" situations like parties, dinners, coffee mornings. I much prefer games nights, rehearsals, exercise classes, cinema, museum visits etc where there's a "point", as that gives me a central focus to stabilise around rather than flailing aimlessly before commenting on the weather for the hundredth time. I need all social activity to end several hours before bed, as otherwise the flailing adrenaline causes problems. I need control over my diet 75% of the time - to cook or at least know the nutrition, as I have been both an overeater and food averse in the past, and get anxious that I'll fall back into old habits otherwise.

I raised my middle finger to the idea of criteria for being a normal human being. We are each unique - be you!

One of my biggest non-negotiables is that my children's non-negotiables are met (meaning time with parents, routine, bedtimes, the things that they need to be relatively sane). This is because that once I get my children squared away, I then have time for my decompression so that I can be a relatively sane functioning adult and mother. This means that my work stops at the same time every day, and any deviations from that get scheduled in advance so we can adjust as a family. A reason why I can "hustle and suck things up" throughout the day is that I know that I have that downtime in the evenings.

I raised both hands! If you are in the comments here looking for validation, HERE YOU GO! One of my big non-negotiables is that I do not put myself into situations where I will be enabled to fall into my addictions. I quit smoking about 13 weeks ago. I will not put myself in a position to jeopardize that. I have decided to take an extended break from drinking as well and so I will not go out with people who drink. I won't go to bars or clubs or comedy shows or anywhere that imbibing is a casual or expected part of the experience. Sobriety is a personal rule for my life and is non-negotiable.

As someone who has always been pretty good about inner authority, there's one really important thing I feel like everyone should know as they begin their journey with it -- you cannot ever expect other people to respect your non-negotiables. As amazing as it would be for your own inner authority to be immediately recognized and respected by others, not only is that unlikely to happen, but it also defeats the purpose. That is not to say that you aren't allowed to want validation, but rather that you can go around looking for it and come up empty OR you can create it for yourself. Be your own authority figure, your own loved one, your own support system, that way you won't need, but will still enjoy, receiving those things from others.

I've only just started figuring out my non-negotiables. - I have to get eight hours of sleep every night and I will not let anything interfere with that because of mental health. - I need at least two days off from work a week to re-charge, socially and mentally. - I try to make time, every single day to relax for at least an hour, whether it's though playing animal crossing, painting, or just sitting and talking to my friends on social media.

When i was a freshman in high school i got literally physically sick from stress - a few years later in my first go at college, i entered a deep, crippling depression trying to meet expectations and do what i was supposed to. Almost 10 years later, I can't exactly say I'm exactly who I want to be, but I'm definitely getting there and keeping myself great company through the journey. It's hard, but it's worth being proud of who you are, even if you relate to the world differently than people around you

Thank you for addressing this with such straightforward compassion. Humanizing being human is rare these days. My non-negotiables are 9 hours of sleep and silencing my phone from 10pm to 7am. I had begun to feel like one of “Pavlov’s Dogs.” The bell rang and i was jumping. Not okay.

Again, hitting me right in the heart. Thank you for your wisdom and authenticity. Watching this, I realize I don’t have non-negotiables! So that’s my homework and explains a lot of why I feel like I’m always giving with nothing left for myself. Cheers to finding my inner authority!

Cathy: there will be people commenting that they raised both hands, that they raised both hands and feet Me; *levitating* uuh yep

One of my non-negotiables is around family time; if my relatives are getting together for an all-day party, I've started telling them I can be there for 2-3 hours, not the whole day. I used to get so stressed over these because they drained me so badly, but having a time limit means I can actually enjoy and look forward to it.

This is where spoon theory really helped me. My family used to push me to "suck it up" and keep going. I would tell them that I needed to stop, but they struggled to understand why I needed to stop and why it was important to let me stop. After educating them about spoon theory, it became easier to communicate my needs and for them to respect my boundaries.

As I have told my 3 children, "NORMAL" is just a setting on the dryer - be who and what you are and that is YOUR "normal". If someone doesn't like you as you are, it is their issue not yours and you do not need to conform or twist yourself around for anyone else's comfort. My set in stones are 1. must drink 32 oz. of water minimum every day, 2. put on clothes, even if I'm not leaving the house - getting out of PJs is when my day starts, and 3. clean in 3 - 10 minute bursts every day, more is fine, but it's amazing how much I can accomplish in 10 minutes = 30 total through out the day (un/load dishwasher, run laundry, tidy an area/room, sweep/dust a room).

For me, in addition to inner authority, knowing my boundaries, etc., I've been working hard to remind myself that my worth is not decided by my productivity. Since last March, I've been working remotely. It took some time to get used to the new way of doing things. Lots of feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, etc. because I wasn't as busy (although I was) as when I was in the office. Then I found out about a month or so ago that my remote working was going to be permanent. The feelings, surprisingly, returned again. And I had to fight through them...again. So that's my non-negotiable...my worth. Or at least I'm working on it.

I don't think I've every felt so happy about a person speaking louder. Congratulations Cathy 💖

Amen 🙏 Boundaries are super important! My non negotiable aren't terribly different to yours. -Sunday is a day of rest. Sometimes Saturday too, if needed. -no work communications before 9 or after 5pm (in my time zone) - no personal calls after 9 - there's no such thing as "normal" What you spoke to about victimhood in our lives is really important! I have been in that place and was fortunate enough to have someone in my life that reminded me that I had choices. I could leave the work environment that made me feel small and like a failure. I could move back, closer to my family. I could find a place where people valued me instead of feeling pity for myself. And I did! It was hard, taking responsibility and telling myself what to do, but it's the best thing I've ever done!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom 🙏🙂

One of my non negotiables is this: I listen to my body and allow that to guide me on what I will and will not do. For example, my father wanted me to go camping with him and go on a hike in the woods about a week after I had sprained my lower back in an accident. I knew I could _do_ it, but I also knew that it would set back my healing greatly and that I would pay for it for weeks. I told him I would go to the campsite with him and I would stay behind when they went on the hike. He was upset, but that wasn't negotiable. Another non negotiable I have is I listen to my intuition. With having a history of trauma and being a highly sensitive person, if someone is giving me a bad feeling, I will either try to talk it out with them or, depending on the situation, graciously remove myself from their company. It is possible and _necessary_ to keep firm your emotional boundaries. You can still be cordial (eg polite) but respect yourself enough to allow for that distance should you need it. My last non negotiable I can think of right now is: bodily autonomy. I do not feel guilty if I need to decline a hug or kiss if I am protecting my body or immune system. During the worst of covid, my parents were asking me to come to their house for the holidays. I live in a very snowy climate that gets bitterly cold, so outside gatherings were off the table then. I told them I would Skype with them (they're old school) or use discord or call, but we could not physically see each other. We had not been vaccinated and the cases were astounding in my area then. They were hurt, disappointed, a little angry. My dad and step mom especially took it personally. I kindly and gently explained why I was making this decision, and gave as much affirmation of love and affection as I could do and still respect my boundaries. You are not obligated to do anything that you do not feel comfortable doing. Including seeing family. I had to say no to hugs and presents and family gatherings because I am severely immunocompromised and knew it could result in permanent bodily injury or death. I have learned that maintaining my bodily autonomy, (when I hug/kiss, when I have sex, when I let someone touch my arm or back or shaking hands even,) is paramount to me feeling safe and being able to proceed with confidence. I'm working on so many of the feelings and seemingly failures the original commenter expressed. We do so often judge our inner life with the mask presented to us by either social media or the brief snippets we see of someone, but our worth isn't tied to how productive we are or how much money we make or how many degrees we earn. Our worth is how we love, how we care for one another, how we treat ourselves and each other and so many other things that don't fit neatly on corporate metrics. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. I will do the same.

Voice! Yayy!... In other news, I suspect this channel attracts the anxious and overwhelmed. We're here. So look around, gang - these are our people.

First... this OUTFIT! How COOL!

So good to hear your voice! I went to six months of therapy to set boundaries and stop being run over. I set my do not disturb on my phone and answered clients via email on my terms. I love your weekend idea -so much to review. Thank you for making this. I am sharing your video -so many people need this…thank you. ❤️

My non-negotiable is my drag career. It's a time I spend with friends and making new friends. It's a place where I can show off the outfits I have made. Importantly for me, it's a time when others can escape from their worries and enjoy themselves.

The person in the email sounds like their describing me exactly before I was diagnosed with ADHD (And after tbh). A lot of people don't ever think of it because of the perception that it's just hyperactive young boys, but there's internal hyperactivity (too many thoughts that become overwhelming). A huge part of ADHD is not being able to do the things you want and need to do, so a lot of people who aren't diagnosed end up becoming depressed and anxious. Other things people don't talk about: Rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), when real or perceived rejection causes more emotional hurt than is necessarily warranted but the situation. Emotional Regulation issues: we often feel things more intensely than others would expect (getting very upset about supposedly minor things, or more excited over the things we are passionate about) Hyperfocus: there's a general perception of ADHD as not being able to focus, when really it's an inability to regulate focus. This means we can hyperfocus on an activity (eg.something we're passionate about, scrolling through social media, video games) for hours, becoming completely transfixed and forgetting everything outside of that activity.

My hand is raised! This world expects everyone to be the same person... if one person can do it, supposedly ALL people can do it... but we are all individuals and have different talents.

I raised my hand...my partner raised his hand from across the room. Thank you for this!!!

I needed this today’s. I’m disabled, autistic, and have other nuerodivergences and my home life has been so exceptionally overwhelming lately. Trying to start vlogging, learn how to run a farmers market booth, plan a wedding, keep My relationship afloat due to cheating (not me), keep my kiddo happy keep my spouse and pets happy..

My very first non-negotionable is gonna be every day for a week looking at what I need and getting some non-negotionables, cuz right now I can't even mention one.

It is nice to see someone else also use the "weekend is booked" and only plan things for one day. Even with chores on the weekends, i do them on one day and one day is just for myself - to do exactly what i feel like doing. If it's a nap in the middle of the day, fine. If it's just spending the entire day buried in a book, fine. Playing, dancing, having a sauna, shaving my legs, they're all fine. I feel a lot better when there is a dedicated day just for me. And a non negotiable is an hour of silent time after work. No music, no talking, no noise, just a cup of coffee and the quiet. Working in a hospital ward is quite heavy on your ears and the need to be "listening in" all the time, so silence is golden.

I raised both hands and couldn't have said it any better than they did! Non-negotiables for me: I 👏 need 👏 my 👏 full 👏 weekend 👏 to recharge and invest in relationships. I also refuse to go beyond my physical and mental limits at my job. Im not destroying my body anymore for a company that sees me as replaceable. Im thankful for having the privilege to be able to stand by these non-negotiables - it breaks my heart how some people don't have the option to take care of themselves bc they have to take care of their families or scrape to make a living. Hard to think that something like having boundaries is a privilege instead of what it should be: a human right.

Hello again, adopted mama! You look and sound lovely, no matter the pitch or tone. Love your video so much ❤

I feel like I could have written nearly every word of that. They're not alone! I'm not alone.

Hand raised! I learned several years ago through therapy to institute and enforce boundaries. I've not heard the term "inner authority" but it describes perfectly what I had to learn. Toxic relationships and situations were eliminated as quickly as possible, quiet time was instituted, self care became ritualistic. My non-negotiables are the "me-times," my personal, quiet time doing what I need to refill my soul. As a sensitive omni-vert, I've learned to recognize when to back off the social interactions and when I need to amp them up. I've also learned when to back off the social media. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

I have non-negociables for a year or so. It's not always easy but there they are: - I am not available on saturdays before 2-3pm. I sleep with no alarm clock and tend to sleep 10-12 hours in a row. So nope. I don't exist for anybody before i wake up and have breakfast (and chill after breakfast haha) - I decided recently that i just have time to read and sew, even during the week. I work morning shift and used to keep busy until the evening. But one does not easy keep doing things from 4:30am to 8pm. I have energy spent all day and if i don't have energy anymore at 4pm then my day is done and tasks left will wait for tomorrow. That's when i sit on the sofa and take a good book or needles. Really, you are inspiring Cathy. You show us that we are nothing but human beings. Thanks for what you do ! Also, congratulations on your voice !! \o/

I loved the way you said this, exactly what I needed. My non-negotiables include a particular diet, being alone in nature at least once a week, and not doing anything the first day of a vacation (by the time I get around to taking one I just need to sleep that first day 😆).

A non-negotiable for me is taking time an waiting for that gut feeling to decide on things. Love from Germany

One day of the weekend is a me day or a rest day. No errands, hobbies, rest.

The bit about not letting victim thinking be part of my character is good. It's what I have been working on. I used to think if others only understood my challenges, they'd support me. I need to accept that I am solo.

My non-negotiables are: setting aside time for my spiritual practice every day and telling my cat I love him like a million times

So good to hear you're getting your voice back! As always, I love your words, regardless of the voice you give them. Thank you for this, it was timely for me. I am a free-lance artist, recently I had a customer try to guilt, shame and then bribe me into taking a commission, after I had said that my current work load would not allow me to meet their deadline. I had never had this happen to me before. I was caught completely by surprise and unprepared for this. I came close to caving. However, during the "negotiations" I decided NO! This is not how I'm going to do business, I don't care how much money they offer, and told them so clearly, ending the negotiations. I will not be bullied or bribed into taking a job that is not right for me. That's my non-negotiable.

Hand up! Being a seamstress. I do a lot of work for others. But I don't work alone. We both have been swamped. Both of us have a hard time setting time for ourselves. Her husband makes her take the evenings off. I've been planning my Victorian dress that I've been wanting to make for quite awhile. So thanks to you and Others I've got a starting point. I've collected books, got my draft paper, got the correct tools and have been watching videos. Very, very soon, I will be putting all this into action. I just had to get out of my way and learn to stop letting people asking me to stop my life and do for them.

Oh, the joy on your face that your voice is returning!!! Huzzah!! I'm so happy for you. Once again, you have popped up with a video at such a well timed moment. I raised my hand, and I am so NOT a fan of normal. As for non-negotiables... Mine are: sufficient sleep, time to read a book in the morning, no phones in the bedroom, and I'm working on eating better. I realize that as I have gotten older, I need recharge time as well after being out in the 'crush' of public spaces. As for saying no... Oh, it's difficult, especially as people get 'programmed' into saying it so as not to offend. We call it helium hand syndrome, because our hands go up at the same time our mouths open and say Yes! Argh! Thank you again for a beautiful video.

Aint no such thing as Normal! Ive just read a book about American Civil War guerilla fighters,hard as nails tough,but even THEY had time off when they needed it! Quite an eye opener actually that book.

So far my only non negotiable is this: I don't make myself miserable trying to make other people happy. I quit my life-sucking, exhausting well-paying job (AFTER I paid off my home. HOORAY!) to take a lower paying less demanding job that allows me to live my life again. Others would have preferred that I stay put because everyone else is miserable too.

Thank you for this video. At a time where I am building from scratch, I needed someone to tell me that. My none negotiables are: I need space alone, so that I can recharge. I need at least 8 hours sleep. I cannot function on less, even if I try to. I need to say no to people who pressure me for time or favours. I have a difficult life and I can no longer do things I used to be able to do, through injury. And that's fine. I do not have to justify myself to anyone. For anything. No means no. If the person cannot accept that then I need to walk away. It's my responsibility to tell people when I can't cope or I need space. Sometimes I need help. This does not make me weak.

🤚🤚🤚🤚🤚🤚🤚🤚 This video really resonated, I often feel like we live in a world designed for a type of people I do not belong to. My non negotiable is a block of several hours of alone time everyday. Cathy, you're getting your voice back, I'm so happy for you !

Oh, Dear Ones!!! Cathy, you are so right that we, being highly sensitive people, feel everything and everyone around us and we can too easily lose ourselves in the midst of it all. I adore the backstage/edited highlights analogy....WELL SAID!!! I am still learning, in over 5 decades of living, that being highly sensitive is a God given gift, which is why people seek US out for Love, Encouragement, Guidance, etc... Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a life-long process and some of those boundaries will actually change and move with us through the years as life changes. We WILL have the tearful days along with the days of joy. PERIOD!! I have come to pray I never lose my sensitive heart and spirit... I remember telling my husband one day, through the tears of the heartache of a recent loss, that I would rather have those times in my life than to ever grow hard-hearted. I venture a guess that those reading this would agree with me in that. Cathy, thank you for your insights and your caring heart that has touched mine, Dear One!! There is an old proverb, "Words from the heart enter the heart." Thank You So Much for sharing and trusting us with your heart, I promise to cherish it!!

I'm so happy for you that your voice is coming back. I know it's something that means a lot to you, and your smile and laughter says it all. That first little clip was wonderful to see. :)

*Raises both hands!* Non-negotiables is that I visit with my mom every Wednesday (she's on a cancer journey and we live in different cities). Even asked my new job to keep Wednesdays off for that reason and they allowed it. Also quiet time on Sundays where phones and computers are kept off for the majority of the afternoon.

My phone is always on - I am my diabetic sister's back-up. However, I have made it very clear to colleagues that I am not available beyond contracted hours - to the point where I have blocked colleagues for contacting me after hours. If I am invited to spaces where cross-contamination occur with regards to pork and pork products, I refuse to attend. No work on Saturday or Sunday, I make sure my to-do list is complete by Friday evening. Maximum two social interactions a week, and Mondays I am off-line, as that is when I go home, and nothing interferes with my family time. I don't see them enough as it is. It has taken me 20 years to gather this collection of rules for myself. But I am finally, for the first time in my life, feeling as if I am healing. I love the term Inner Authority - I will most certainly be reading up on that! Thank you for discussing this. (And I am so happy to hear you are getting your voice back.)

Oh man, I thought I had a lot more non-negotiables than I actually do! Years of people pleasing taught me what a pushover I can be, and I have a bad habit of negotiating with myself during periods of analysis paralysis. I've had to cut down on my rules for myself (because part of me rebels when I feel they're arbitrary) and be much more disciplined with the important rules. Work in progress.

This was a fantastic video. Thank you. My nonegotiables are that I will make "going out"social plans no more than 2-3 days a week. As an introvert I need time to rest and recover and work on my own interests and activities. I also schedule activities during a scheduled time with a friend that I don't have to directly interact with them and we can just exist in the same space in case I get socially tired. I also know I don't function well before a certain time in the morning. I feel physically sick if I do. So I don't schedule work or meetings before that time when I can avoid it.

Kathy, you broke your personal record of making me cry in one video. This was too relatable for comfort xD But it was still a great video. I volunteer in a sewing workshop to recover from a burnout, and recently one of the more experienced people went away. So then everybody turned to me for my experience and knowledge, and i was suddenly shoved into an executive role. It took me 3 weeks to realize that i was not happy, and two more weeks to communicate that with my colleagues. So now my non negotiable is this: I am in the workshop for me, and only me. If somebody is looking for an activity they should turn to the list(which i wrote) and pick something from there. Now i shall be bothered a whole lot less, and actually be able to do what i love best. Which is getting better at sewing. My second non negotiable is (like yours) only plan 1 event per weekend. Which can be challenging sometimes, since my husband and me have quite the busy social life. I should also install the "one day resting rule" that sounds wonderful...

I have learned over the last 25 years that my Non negotiable laws are: 1.) 10 hours laying down in every 24 hour period. I have a spinal injury (partially severed spinal cord at T-9) and the pain of sitting up any more than three hours means my enjoyment decrease as nerve pain increases. The cost of doing more than that means my recovery time goes up exponentially (ie. The time I have to spend laying flat). 2.) I MUST HAVE at least two hours a week doing something something I enjoy for my mental well-being! Minimum! 3.) I need to pray fully sleep 5 hours a night. Everything else is negotiable. You and many other RU-vidrs have given me the courage to start to sew again. I have been wanting to wear historical clothing ever since I realized history bounding was a thing. I finally saved up enough money to buy some 100% linen fabric so I could make Morgan Donner’s medieval shift. I had planned on having a pattern made-up and cut out before my surgery last week so I would have something fun to do while I had to be in a hospital bed. But, life got in the way as it sometimes does. I’m not giving up, just having to wait a little more time to get my mock-up made. In the meantime I am planning on just watching some of my favorite RU-vidrs who love to sell historical clothing. Thank you for you up-lifting and encouragement, you will never know how much it has helped me. You and your ladies(Costuming Drama, Morgan Donner, Rachael Maksy, Bernadette Banner, Nicole Rudolph, Liz Capistrano, Willoughby & Rose, The Welsh Viking, Abby Cox, and many others I can’t remember right now). Have kept me going when I thought I couldn’t take any more; five car major accidents in seven years with life changing consequences for me (I was a passenger in those accidents), I forgot how to smile and laugh. All of you gave me back my laughter and my smile with your content and I will forever be grateful. Thank you and please thank them for me. English isn’t easy for me. I had help explain this to you.

It's my birthday eve and I've just read a part of The Highly Sensitive Person as suggested by you :)

I raised everything raise-able 🤣 My non-negotiables, a small list: 1. Time to myself after waking up I get up later than “normal” because that’s just how I work, I wake up later and stay up later naturally. So for the first hour after I get up I give myself quiet time with a cup of coffee to ease myself into being awake and ready to communicate with others. 2. Time to read I love reading, and it used to feel draining to try and squeeze out time to read in my day. Now I make a point to turn on a 2-3 hour “background music” youtube video and I read until it’s done, it helps keep me in the headspace & that I’m not “wasting time” somehow. My inner authority is very important when it comes to food, I have a lot of food allergies that I have to stand firm on & advocate for in social situations, so if any of our friends visit (visited) that has any dietary needs I make sure I have at minimum two dishes they can choose from safely, and I label them as “so-and-so safe” so they dont have to ask & potentially feel embarrassed for asking.

I am a tailor who runs an alterations business. My non-negotiable is that I don't answer my phone. I'll let it go to voicemail, and when I have had a chance to listen to it and compose my thoughts, only then will I call back - and only if I have something constructive to say. I do the same with all the other forms of communications as well, but the phone call one - I had to make that a conscious decision. I also must get enough rest & sleep. I know from sad experience that my health suffers when I don't get enough. No one(!) is in such a hurry or great need that I have to declare an emergency just for them.

At work I started setting boundaries and I've notice a lot of my coworkers started saying I'm getting a lot of days off.... we are short staffed I work about 50 hrs a week.... If I said yes to everything it would be closer to 60. Then on top of this I still try to find time to go to bars with friends and work on my knitting and crocheting projects. IDK what it is about work culture in America, but if you seem to have it together (which I don't but a lot of people say it looks like I do) then people feel like they can criticize you on not working hard enough. This video cam out at a perfect time in my life!

Cathy I appreciate this video more than I can ever express ❤️ It spoke right to me; the entire video. Thank you so very much for posting it! Thank you for such thoughtful, relatable and practical replies. By and by when I have to reply to another person and it gives me anxiety sometimes I think “What would my cat do?” My cat would set a limit immediately and stick to it without anxiety. Lol

I relate to needing at least one rest day, my non-negotiables include my noise cancelling headphones. being autistic in a neurotypical world is exhausting.

Hi Cathy! Relatively new viewer here, I only found your channel around a year ago. Your videos on managing stress and high expectations have been so helpful to me as a fellow highly sensitive person. I just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful voice but what's more beautiful is how you use it to help others as best you can. From my heart, thank you. You're doing wonderful work.

The perfect mix of your advice in this video is that we do not see the things that other people refuse! Maybe someone is managing X-Z that you want to do, but you can’t see that they don’t do A-C that you would hate to give up! One of my key non-negotiables is exercise. If I want to keep my mental health stable, I have to exercise well. I’m now realising that means I will need to turn down invitations that I want to say yes to, for everyone’s benefit!

Thank you for this - and it's good to hear your voice is coming back. As someone who has long struggled with boundaries I have realised it's better for me to set them; for instance, I now get my parents' heavy shopping. Rather than have that hectoring phone call asking When? I will contact them first and say when. My own non-negotiable is that my life with my husband comes first (lesson hard learned in my previous life.) When friends suggest doing stuff, if it's something that makes my heart lift and I think, "Oh, yes, count me in!" then I do it. Otherwise, no. If I've learned something in the almost sixty years I've been on this planet, it's that life is too short to waste it with people, or on activities, that you do not enjoy or want to do. I've also stopped diving in when someone says, "Do you know anyone who....?" - instead, I remind myself that I'm not the answer to everyone's problems. I'm left with one very long-term sewing project, that I won't be paid for, and once I've set aside the time to get that done, I won't be accepting any more requests - that said, I do craft things as gifts and that brings me great joy (even if it doesn't bring the same to the recipient, lol!) I think it's important to cut people slack too; when friends apologise for not answering messages or texts straight away I remind them that the whole point of electronic stuff is that it's there for one to answer When And If It Suits Them :) And finally, yes, the reminder that we are responsible for our own boundaries is absolutely spot on. Never mind other peoples' criteria for life, if they don't like it, hard luck; if they are true friends, they'll understand you. End of sermon. (on reading this back, I realise I sound like a harsh ranter; I'm not, honestly!)

The quote about edited highlights really resonated with me. I always feel like someone else did a better job than me at something, even if i did great too. I will try to remember that everyone messes up a few times before getting it just right.

As a highly sensitive person I really appreciate your voice in this. My list of non-negotiables definitely needs expanding (it's hard when you've got a busy family life with kids, but actually very necessary at the same time), and one of them so far is that I don't need to be available to everyone all the time. A lot of people tend to call me or text me and expect an immediate answer. You know what, I just want to leave my phone in a different room sometimes and not check it. Especially on weekends. And also, not checking the news on weekends. We need to switch off from the world sometimes, quite literally.

🙋‍♀️ You are not alone. Thanks for sharing, it made me feel seen, understood, and accepted. Thank you brave Cathy Hay fan for reaching out to her and to you, Cathy for being so wonderfully frank but also positive, encouraging, and compassionate!

Your voice sounds amazing! So proud of you for getting your voice back! Today's video was something I desperately needed. I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed with getting my house back in order after teaching during this "amazing" year we've just had, recovering from almost dying of covid, family drama, and a myriad of different things that happen. I love watching your videos.

Yay! Your voice!!! Hurrah! Perfectly timed message for me today- I needed a mental health day and took off of work. You put the finger on what I’ve been feeling but so drained that I couldn’t think of what I needed to do. My homework today is to set my inner boundaries- find my non-negotiables, I love the idea of keeping one day of the weekend open for rest!

Being in the middle of a big cross country move, with a seven month old baby, this was really helpful.

A psychiatrist i knew told me to read and learn about my issues and to find those things that would help me deal with my issues. I did it helped me, not necessarily the whole book but sometimes just a sentence. I'm one of those that must have 8 hrs if sleep a night, unfortunately I have been dealing with something that has kept me up for 3 nights ina row. It has actually made me feel like crap and I'm unable to rest or focus. So tonight I am relaxing and going to get my 8 hours to get back on track. So after I finish listening to Kathy Hay, I'm going to bed. Learning to say No is hard and a necessity.

Thank you, Cathy. So often your videos are timed just right to tell me exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. I have a lot on my plate right now, and this was a gentle and wonderful reality check.

I needed this pep talk, this month has been a wonky one. Thank you, Cathy 🖤

First off: YAY!! THE VOICE!! I have been thinking and thinking about this, and at first, I thought that I have no non-negotiables. I'm very flexible, I have six kids, I still can't even go to the bathroom alone. And then it came to me. My absolute non-negotiable -- I do NOT deny myself. I don't do the "Oh, but it's time I could be spending with (fill in blank), " or "I feel guilty about sewing just for myself," that whole ilk -- NO! Absolutely not! I take time for myself, I sew for myself. I buy my fabric -- (ok, granted, I buy the stuff that is on sale -- but still, I get a thrill out of sales, and if I really need (want) something that is a little pricey, I either use my money from the little jobs I do, or I warn my husband that it is going to happen so be prepared {he laughs because there is no need to warn him}), I buy my shoes (also on sale) and I don't feel guilty about taking care of me. Okay, I feel uncomfortable enough about saying that that I need to clarify that no one else is being deprived. Regardless, I refuse to do the guilt thing. My oldest daughter feels guilty about taking time or money for herself. My mother feels guilty about buying things that she wants, and will spend just as much if not MORE money on things she doesn't want instead of buying the one thing she did want. It's madness, and they aren't happy and because of that, neither is anyone around them. Taking care of you, being kind to you is just as important as taking care of everyone else. You can't pour from an empty jug. Don't set yourself on fire to warm someone else. And put your oxygen mask on FIRST because you can't help ANYONE if you have passed out.

I have fibromyalgia and sometimes I need an extra day or so of sleep. I know that rest and sleep are quite different and I find that multi-tasking works both ways. I love to sew. I love to quilt, more specifically. And quilting takes time. But somehow, while working and raising 2 children, and having an acre garden to work in and grow food, I still find time to quilt. Can I sit still and do nothing? No. But I can listen to music or videos or the news and look for ideas for the next block or quilt at the same time. I find weeding in the garden is like meditation for me. Even doing laundry and hanging it out to dry is a type of quiet alone time. Find a way to enjoy the things you do. Find a way to surround yourself with things that bring you joy. Having orchids that are blooming in my home or bedroom add a smile to my face that I especially need when I am also always in physical pain. Having quilts around that I have made in the past also bring me that sense of accomplishment, even if the ones I am working on now are not complete. Multi task with positive things. And make time to stretch your body and your mind.

My NON NEGOTIABLE.. everyone knows Monday is my down and still day. As a carer of a special needs child and my elderly father this is the Day I NEED to refresh and just Stop ( Monday mornings are my organising doctors, therapist days for my daughter or father , Afternoon is just rest) another is DO NOT call me on the phone after 7pm UNLESS it is an emergency. Also don't expect me to go anywhere Tuesdays , Thursday Mornings or Friday morning.. ( these are my Therapy times for my daughter), And yes it seems not much time left but there is heaps, Im super routined (I function better knowing what is what and when) As for my fun times.. I just expect notice before it occurs. And yes i do still do drop of the hat things... IF i am available to. But as my friends are also carers and have special needs children we understand each other. Also being an insomniac I do get a lot of other things done when everyone else is asleep in the house. Case point its 3:30 am right now.. I have just finished sorting the laundry, sweeping and mopping the floors...and paying the bills.. Its fine by me because i wont be sleeping anyway. But i do have boundaries as I am healthier in my own Anxiety for having those. Its for MY health

non-negotiable: journaling, morning pages - style. If I can only do it in the evening or in between appointments, I can still function. but if I miss it a few days in a row, because of workload or other circumstances, I notice a difference in my mood and in my coping skills - suddenly I'll feel like a victim etc. Journaling grounds me and helps me access the still,small voice within. It's my meditation.

I came to terms with this some time ago. What other people see as selfish is holding on to my sanity for me. You just can’t please everyone and you have to put yourself first sometimes.

My hand ✋ was up before you asked. I really felt that. Far as this old man can tell, we are screwed, financially speaking.

✋🤚 What a relatable email. I can barely keep up with work, my spouse, my close family and maybe two friends. Just too many relationships. I'm still working on my non-negotiables, but just this week I came to the conclusion that I need a certain amount of quiet time. Now, no matter what, I'm going to "meditate" for 10 minutes when I get home from work. I have never been able to do 30 minutes, but I can do ten. And congratulations on your voice progress!! I'm so happy to see the joy that brings you. You're amazing Cathy!

I'm in the process of moving into a new apartment, and have felt stress nearly every day recently. Not just the change but all the little things I need to take care of / do are overwhelming ! Definitely needed the tips ❣️

CATHY your voice is glorious, and your sheer joy brought such a smile to my face. Keep on keeping on, lovely.

For those of us who battle addiction, inner authority can really be tough!