You described it perfectly: A strong fear that if you don't do what people want you to do, and ask very little of them, they won't stick around. This has dictated the way I've approached my friendships, no wonder I have so few.
I think it's because we don't feel at heart we are good enough or loveable. So we kind of bend over backward to accommodate other people's wants and wishes to gain acceptance and love or friendship. May be we should cultivate more love and respect for ourselves first instead of looking externally for love and acceptance.
Yes, and it also helps to remind ourselves our worth and value as a person comes from our existence. For instance, if we were to suddenly disappear, how would our family, friends and relatives feel?
Not a people pleaser anymore. Thank you Julia for the help on this healing journey that I am still at after I severed ties with my toxic, passive aggressive covert narcissistic friend.
Thank you so much for this. A so called good friend of mine have used and abused my help with everything from doing her taxes to taking care of all sorts of paperwork, settling with her creditors and all sorts of tasks and only calls when she needs something. This has been going on for 20 years. I have been a yes person all these years. I finally set some boundaries and she’s accused me of not being a good friend. I’m exhausted emotionally and psychologically and driving her around as she’s afraid to drive on the freeway etc. I don’t want to be bitter and have made up my mind not to explain how I feel but just move on. Thanks for letting me vent. You just saved me from seeing a counselor, etc. ❤
Thanks, Julia Kristina, M.A. Psych, for today’s video Five Clear Signs That You’re Being Used. I think now, I can’t think of any situation of being used or if I ever made anyone feel that way. It may be possible, but I am having a hard time thinking about it right now. Here are my notes: Signs of being taken advantage of: 1. If they ask a lot of favors from you. (More like expect from you) and when you come to them, they seemed put off, annoyed or resistant. 2. If they can convince you somehow that you are lucky to have them. (Make you feel like you are lucky to be able to do things for them) 3. If that person doesn't have respect or regard for your time (Expect you to drop everything to be there for them) 4. After you do everything and do whatever task that was asked of you, you don't hear from them for a while. (There is a distance after helping) 5. They may only be nice to you when you do something for them. ******************************************************************* *You are allowed to have boundaries around your yes. *Nothing wrong with being there for someone and feeling needed, but not when you are taken advantage of. *You have value and you have worth.
Someone of higher rank than me used me for her own gain. After her promotion, she began to distance herself from me. When I tendered resignation and asked her to do me the honour of writing a testimonial, she went radio silent.
A lot of these issues are solved if you gauge your investment into the friendship at a similar rate that they put into it or give without expectations and be at a different level of understanding and confidence. I'm learning to balance between both. Some of this hinges on our skills or lack of skills. we often over give and have expectations that we don't speak of and then get angry when it goes the direction we don't want. Communication is key and be aware of give and take and it helps.
I engage in the second example, saying things like: I think you should do this instead of me because you have more knowledge and skill." I didn't want to do the thing incorrectly, especially if the task is high stake or high risk. Never have I meant to be manipulative in any way. Anyways, I have this fear of needing to do things in order to prove my worth. My parents tend to lay expectations and requests to me without asking or consultation, and I noticed a feeling of being used. This is an area I want to work on. I sense setting boundaries is going to be a big one.
A sign you were being used is if a long time friend tells you they are going to drop you as a friend because you yourself was going through something and you kinda of use to not hearing from them for a while because they got married. They tried calling you when they have problems with their new marriage but you got use to not hearing from them and they truly ghosted you 1st. This happened with the and they said in a text that they were dropping me for a friend because l didn’t pick the relationship right up again. Thanks for this
I'm kind of with your friend on this. True friends are friends even if they don't speak for periods of time. Last time I heard from my best friend was 18 years ago lol. Still consider him my best friend
For the person feeling that they are being used, it must feel terrible to go through that! I feel for them. As there were moments in my life when it happened with me too. I just hope I dont use anyone or make someone feel this way in my life as I wouldnt want that and would try to repair it. Thank you Julia for the effort with the video! its helpful to know more about this.
Thank you for great video. I have been used by a friend recently & it was truly awful. It took me a long time to realise they didn’t care… they said it was them having boundaries! 😢
Great topic Julia. I remembered years ago I used to be friends with someone who used me. I used to favors for her but after awhile it was getting too much for me. One time I was cooking breakfast for myself and she called me. She asked me if I can pick her up from the laundry mat. I had to stop what I was doing and do her that favor. I was being used by her. She became a fake friend. Thank you for this video.
Thanks so much for the great video Julia. Growing up as a loner in my formative years I am used to being without a lot of (close friends or relatives ). I have done many things that I don’t really know who I am. Our universe of ourselves is constantly changing . Sometimes for good sometimes for bad. Thanks again for your dedication to your profession.🙏👍
Whenever i said no my friend would throw a fit when they didnt get what they asked for,bc i have nice things said friend automatically thought they were entitled to everything
Great video with fantastic material But! I would rethink about using your daughter as an example of manipulation as she may find that description of her hurtful now or later on as she grows up. As well, to use your mother, someone you owe your life to, as an example of someone who possibly was disrespecting your time, I find it highly inappropriate to publicize this negativity about her
I'm so thankful for finding you, I can't even begin to tell you how much appreciate these videos. I do have 1 question though How do you Politely take a big step back away from going above and beyond even though you're being taken advantage of to a point bye Your mother when you know that a lot of her actions because your father passed away? My dad passed away three years ago and since then my mom seems to have forgotten how to take care of anything. I love my mom dearly but I'm tired of being frustrated with her and being taken advantage of.
Thank you for this video. It took a couple of incidents to realize I was not respected and taken for granted. This person rhinksxthey set better boundaries, I think they are OCD, overcontrolling.
Finally. You are the first healthy person according to your comment. Some people just enjoy being altruistic and there is nothing wrong with it. People scream: narcissist, for almost to everyone for everything nowadays.
Just found your channel today. I’ve started watching your videos. Thank you for giving us the tools to cope and handle life more effectively. You explain everything so clearly, it’s so easy to understand. I feel better already. Thank you. From Australia 🇦🇺
I have a covert/communal narcissist sister...who often does "appear" to be very kind...so you might wanna keep and eye on that daughter. She mastered all of these tactics by her teen/young adult years. I always felt that there may have been hope for steering my sister in a different direction if someone would have just stepped up and called her out on her manipulation tactics...and "showed" her that this is unkind, selfish, and lazy behavior that many people can actually "recognize" even if her "target" doesn't. I think it's a little tempting for many of us to feel a bit of "pride" in seeing this type of "intelligence" in our kids...and it "is" a kind of intelligence...and if she has already detected even the subtlest hint of pride coming from you over this, I personally think it would be a really wise to openly admit to her that it's the intelligence you're proud of...and maybe "proud" that she's not likely to fall for the manipulation of others....but NOT proud of the willingness to use & manipulate people...and maybe get her to think about what the ultimate outcome might be of using such tactics. Without such discussions I think a lot of kids can misunderstand and feel a kind of "green light" to certain behaviors when the fact is, it's more complicated than that.
Hallelujah hallelujah edit and other stuff and more events hallelujah hallelujah is the highest I praise 3 hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah is the highest I praise 3
What if it's a boyfriend and when every time you try to talk to him about it or if you're arguing and I get mad and say something make you feel bad buy playing for me I'm a horrible loser but never does anything to try and fix it work with you or acknowledge how you really feel and when you don't do it or you can't oh hell will break loose just saying that out loud makes me feel like I'm being used but when things are good and he starts crying that's what gets me how am I supposed to get past that that when they just make you feel so horrible and bring up things they have done for you which isn't much but they use it against you I feel like now if he does something for me it's just to use it against me not out of the goodness of his heart and because you're supposed to be a teammate and he loves me and wants to is that I feel it is just for his defense defense am I a horrible person for feeling this way? Am I wrong? Am I missing something.
The only healthy comment here is the guy’s who said he does not care if he is being used. That is their problem if they do it he likes being kind. I believe that is the only healthy comment finally someone with integrity. Everyone else can withdraw into their self pity and be unhappy. Healthy boundaries are ok though sometimes we breach them and that is also really ok. It is good to be nice and if you don’t feel good about it that proves something deeper. By the way I am also studying psychology. Doing my masters on psychoanalytic psychotherapy. We cannot always live according to measured methods. We shout narcissist to almost everyone now…instead of being confident enough to be able to be used and use people if they are happy with it. Be self aware and confident and you will not mind being used every now and then 🎉😊
@almatka1- Loved your comments!! I would wish you the best in your studies through, after that amazing post.. You are well on your way to be a kick ass psychologists. Thanks for the clean and classy honesty. ❤
