When we are working with other people to get things done - there is often trouble in how we relate with each other that gets in the way of us being productive. A way to make sense of this is as different kinds of defensiveness.
Legendary family therapist Virginia Satir articulated four defensive stances (or stress styles) that frequently show up in how people relate. In my work with Let's Go i've built on this to find these five defensive stances. But as Virginia Satir says, there is a way towards an undefensive stance - and when we level with each other things get dealt with, trust builds, and collaboration works.
This video is really just an introduction to the concepts - and there is much more to say about it all. But have a look and see what you can see about your own collaborative relationships. How are you showing up as defensive? What kind of defensiveness do you come up against?
This is all linked to my leadership development work with www.letsgo.so where I see that its possible to move past defensiveness.
For those interested in how i've built on the work of Virginia Satir:
1) I think it's most useful to understand the stances we are taking in particular situations (and can stop taking) vs being locked into a sense that we have a "style" - hence i prefer "blaming" to "blamer".
2) I have moved from language "computer" (sometimes "over-logical" or "super-rational") to "dogmatic" which i think better represents what i see in collaboration., The core problem isn't using long words but being rigid. I've seen people be very dogmatic without using technical language and its just as destructive.
3) I have moved from "distractor" to "avoiding" - this took me a long time and a lot of soul searching (you can see I use distracting on earlier videos) but my sense from actually working with people on this in application is that distractor doesn't account for the ways people avoid. For me distracting is one tactic in an avoidant stance.
4) I have added "posturing" - I imagine it as less relevant in family therapy context and think it incorporates some of how Virginia Satir saw "computer". But for me its a distinct phenomenon that is very important for how we collaborate. People inflating their sense of self to look good is very prevalent in the world of work (and in me).
31 окт 2023
