Girl Defined's WILDEST Video | Debunking Purity Culture's Hellscape (w/ Natasha Helfer) 

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I'm so glad Natasha mentioned that purity culture expects people to be sexual, fall in love, get married. As an AroAce person (I didn't know it at the time, but I did know I never wanted to be sexual and romantic with someone), I got treated just as bad as my peers who weren't as "pure" as the authority figures around us wanted. They were broken and dirty for wanting things they shouldn't want before marriage, and I was broken and dirty for not wanting those things ever. It's something I had a real hard time understanding, because if dating and having sex was wrong, why was it wrong that I didn't want to do those things. It was only recently, by watching Cara, and C2C and others, that I realised it wasn't about the things girls and women do or don't do, it was about controlling what girls and women do and don't do.

The complete lack of knowledge about body parts really screwed me over in life. I remember my mom hearing a suggestion that every women should look at her vulva in the mirror and she was so disgusted I thought she would have a seizure. She was absolutely demented about her hatred of touching yourself even when washing to the point that she abused me. It was beyond what the mormon leaders endorsed but since even speaking about sex could send you to hell I knew I couldn't get help. I was already being abused by the bishop grilling me about touching myself there was no where to go for help. I've been married 25 years and I'm still fighting the abuse I suffered at the hands of this disgusting cult. I do wish the church gets taken down. It's disgusting what you can do to your kids in the name of listening to the voices in your head. As long as you go to church and tell everyone the voice is god they church will ignore anything you do.

I had a coworker who was a week away from his wedding and stoked out of his mind to lose his virginity. When he came back after the honeymoon the mood had changed dramatically and he told me how his partner just laid back and told him she “wouldn’t enjoy it.” and to “just let her know when he was done.” Looking back now she could have just been asexual, but from what he told me it seemed like her parents really hammered it into her head that sex was very bad. Pretty hard to just rewire half a lifetime of programming in a moment.

Natasha's therapist expression while watching the clips is pristine. Not being in the room with them, she's in full listening and analysis mode.

I was raised Catholic in the midwest and although I stopped going to church when i was 18, I was still heavily influenced by purity culture. My public school only offered abstinence only education. My parents didnt really have the tools of having reasonable discussions about sex. So when I discovered that I, the woman, had the much higher sex drive, it really took a toll on both of us until we figured out what worked for us. Luckily my spouse is rad and we are super happy together. I am grateful that we have great communication and i am hoping that my child will not experience the shame or confusion about sexuality that we did. Turns out we didnt have to be religious to experience purity culture. We just had to live in an area where purity culture had influence.

9:31 “We knew what not to do, and that was all we knew.” (Paraphrased) That über-Christian couple is being somewhat honest in terms of just how purity culture messed them up. Premarital chastity doesn’t mean you can’t have a good marital sex life, but it certainly does not mean you will have a good marital sex life. Never having had another sexual partner is fine - you certainly can avoid some problems that way - but to never have masturbated, or to not have engaged in any sexual play whatsoever (no hugging, kissing, fondling, mutual masturbation) with your fiancé/ fiancée (or any one else) before marriage sounds terrifying to my younger self. It still seems brutal to me, going zero to 100 in less than 15 minutes.

I think this is one of the best episodes you have done. Sympathetic and I can see where it would be very helpful for couples who haven't had any sex ed or experience.

Break the silence. Break the cycle.

Yep, I was like Phyllis. Come to find out, I'm queer and it never had anything to do with being in a "trial" or being "punished" by God... I just didn't like sex with men. 😂

What an amazing episode!! Nuancehoe, you are rocking this channel. Love Natasha too!! This is just such important stuff.

23:29 the church taught me that if something doesn’t go right or I do understand what’s happening then it is a deficiency in me, my body, my mind. So when I didn’t have a good sexual experience on my honeymoon and afterwards, and we have the cultural messaging that sexuality is going to be special and spiritual be sure you’re married, and that male sexual needs are the ones to please and high sex drive is the correct way, which meant to me that something was terribly wrong with me. Meld that with the teaching that the natural man is an enemy to god which meant that intellectualizing everything physical was the highest expression of righteousness was a recipe for disaster

Thank you so much for this episode! This is why we need more exmo women/LGBTQIA+ peeps podcasting because these topics haven’t been highlighted from those perspectives. Thank you!!

I was CNA in Provo and occasionally we would get new CNA's that were still in High School. I remember I was with this new girl changing the diaper of an older man with dementia and this particular time he was in a state of arousal. My new co-worker's eyes almost bugged out of her head when she saw him with his diaper off. I was amazed at how oblivious that a 17-year-old girl would be when it came to grown adult genitalia. I always looked back on that and thought how the bubble in Utah county was so uninformative, and uneducated, and unprepared the youth and people in general were there.

I have loosely followed the “Girl Defined” saga for several years, checking in every now and then… because it’s just such a train wreck how can you not once you become aware of them? And poor, poor Bethany. Seriously. She just looks and sounds more and more like some caricature of the deranged fundie woman under so much pressure to keep up this facade of happiness in this really unhealthy religious environment and farce of a marriage and she is just about to snap. I think I check in to see if she had finally broken free or just… broken. It’s a level of delusional “enthusiasm” that is so fake its painful, because it’s not even “fake” as in “for the views”, but fake in that way people are when they are having to tell increasingly unlikely lies to themself so they don’t have to face reality. Its deranged. When she finally catches her husband with a man will she FINALLY admit what a load if crap this has all been, or just blame it on the devil? It’s genuinely painful watching her at this point.

If this is the video where the wife in the preacher couple goes and has female anatomy taught to the wife by a friend by using her real-live baby as an anatomy doll- it’s disgusting to use a baby that way and maybe abusive. The baby cannot give consent and that baby isn’t a learning prop. Her private parts are NOT for display just because the she doesn’t have language skills and full muscular control and won’t have a memory of it when she’s older due to her age. I haven’t gotten to that yet and I’m not sure I can continue if that’s going to be replayed here. I’m only at 18:25 so I’m watching like this 🫣😰. Really hoping is replayed that there is a discussion of how that is violating to the baby and is totally unacceptable and shows that these people in girl defined video no business teaching sexuality.

Love Natasha's ~nuance~ and empathy. Definitely interesting to hear her take on this Girl Defined video. ❤

Natasha and Carah - what a dream duo!

I love that Natasha mentioned “drive, arousal and playfulness“. I was fortunate enough to be raised by an open minded and loving mother and her mother, my grandma, who was very good at helping us girls look forward to a good sexual future, and to help prepare us for sexual success. We were not encouraged to be sluts and to give it away to just anyone, but we were encouraged to experiment and learn at a young age how to derive pleasure from our own bodies. We were always encouraged to look forward to marriage, and a good partnership/relationship in our future, when we reached adulthood. At the same time, we were encouraged to bring something to the table sexually that would strengthen and complement physical union. Grandma wasn’t trying to turn us into “floozies“, please don’t get me wrong, she was simply encouraging us to not be afraid of our bodies, to not be afraid of our sexuality, and to help us look forward to an amazing relationship with our husbands in the future. My honeymoon was amazing! That’s something that 99% of people NEVER say. I wish people could raise their children in a way that sexuality would be seen as something great and amazing and something that can be looked forward to. I’ve talked to dozens of women and I am shocked at how many have either never had an orgasm or maybe didn’t experience their first one until months or even years after they were married. I always encourage women to self explore and learn what feels good to them. To masturbate regularly, and willingly take their sexuality into their own hands. This is something that I carefully did even when I was an active member. Women need to know that we are sexual beings. Women need to know that our sexuality matters. Women need to know that therapeutic sexual touch can really benefit overall health and wellbeing. My sisters and I all had pretty much the same high level of success on our honeymoon‘s. We had very high sex drive, arousal was very easy to obtain and playfulness and experimentation was phenomenal! I personally experienced probably more than a dozen orgasms within the first 24 hours. My husband and I “carefully” enjoyed sexual stimulation and sexual experimentation pretty much everywhere we went. Nighttime sex on the beach, sex on a bus and plenty of fooling around under restaurant tables, respectfully and discreetly of course. Human sexuality should be looked forward to, sexuality and closeness should be experienced frequently, and “Roadhead“ is something that everyone should experience at least once in their lives😂 One final note. I taught a lesson in relief society one Sunday and carefully eluded to the importance of good sexual relationships in our marriages. Some women, I’m sure were a little uncomfortable, but others opened up and asked some very good questions. One young woman asked later if we could talk privately. She let me know she was uncomfortable with her own nakedness, with her husband’s nakedness, and that sexual touch was difficult for her. During a 30 minute private conversation I encouraged her to explore her own body and to induce her own arousal, as well as a few other things. Being very “Molly“ she shared my advice with her husband. He was very upset at me. He told his wife I was an “apostate teacher“. The best part of this story is that she did take my advice, she was tired of painful and unrewarding intercourse I’m sure. A couple of months later she took me aside and let me know how much better her sexual relationship had become. Her husband came and apologized to me when he saw the difference one simple and encouraging conversation can have in a woman’s life. He said it’s an amazing thing to be greeted at the door by a sexy wife, wearing one of his button-down shirts. He said they went from hardly ever seeing each other naked to her frequently climbing in the shower with him. Oral sex is now a thing in their marriage, as well as adding “vibe“ to various positions of intercourse. Even though I have left the church, maybe they should invite me back to RS for some more detailed instruction… 😂

This was an amazing video. Thank you so much Natasha and Carah!

I love both of you guys! Also, lovin' the Emily Nagoski reference ❤ I just started her new book Come Together

I think I saw this interview...its horrifying

I hate the phrase Godly so much.

Second Mile Christian here. This episode is one of the most important ones on the internet. I should send this to my ex. I pray for the day when God will command us to blow the whistle on why and how organized religion is largely a misogynistic rapist breeding operation so that humanity may begin to heal as the sun of righteousness rises and we will leap like calves from the stall.

Did you see that some are saying gay couples are now welcome in the mormon church if they are married?! Is that true?! How are they justifying that but not homosexual children?!

Random comment as I'm 1 minute in- i love that her last name means Helper in German. 😉❤️

I really enjoyed this episode, thank you

I'm actually kinda surprised that Girl Defined wants to talk about this at all, or that the LDS church isn't condemning them for it. This kind of discussion is realistically the first step to actual thoughtful analysis of life and could lead to the realization that the church may have taught you some harmful things. The entire foundation of church control is getting people to accept dogma without question, so questioning anything can lead to revolt.

I wish I lived closer. Definitely interested in the course but it seems like it’s in person. 😢 I live in NH. I was born and raised JW and have lots of sexual repression issues… my therapist is having tons of fun. 😊

Wonderful guest! Wished I met her 40 years ago!

I really appreciate your guest's self-assessment. I have a master's degree in psychology and did not go into counseling because I recognize that I am not healthy enough for that kind of work. I went back for a research degree so I can find something that won't hurt other people. I feel vindicated. Thank you.

This is the issue with this dumb purity mindset. Cause they arent telling the truth to these couples, and how sex is making both happy. And communication, and knowing what feels good already. They keep the women silent and uneducated and the men as we know, mostly are gonna get off no matter what. This is a huge way people lose faith i bet. And raising women that this is normal and then that they should think of their spouse before complaining....augh.

Hi Carah❤u!!!

Amen, amen, amen... just like good LAWYER! OMG.. UTAH HAS A PROBLEM.. with therapist and attorneys!

I don't know who's worse. Both of them have no idea wtf they're doing.

If one has a klitoris, take a mirror and explore yourself. It's simple.

First off, quit mixing up chistians and mormons, they are NOT THE SAME. Secondly, my husband was raised mormon. His dad was bishop of their ward for 20 yrs. His mom was the relief society president. When he was 5 he asked where babies came from and his mom pulled out an anatomy text book and explained to him. I am beginning to think it is only the lower members of the church that get all over zealous.