Giving 100k To My Parents But Still Called Unfilial: NUSWhispers (Family Woes) | ZULA Answers | EP 7 

It takes some patience, time and self-love to heal from traumas. Go easy on yourself. If you are struggling with mental health and need extra support, do seek help from professionals! (link is in the description box!) Feel free to share your experiences in the comments section down below while making this a safe space for everyone to be kind and thoughtful!

started seeing Bolin in a new light, with his well-thought advice and eloquency in this video. any thoughts on being a therapist?

"i didnt ask to be born" holds alot of truth ,, theres a very big flaw if the fundamental goal of having children is that they become your future caretakers tied down by blood ties ,, imagine a figurative child who already has a lifelong responsibility, that they didnt ask for, before theyre born having children should be from the aspiration of taking care and raising someone, not for the child to become ur lifelong servant ,, filial peity should be out of willingness to thank ur parents for their efforts, not because u feel like u owe them ,, one is gratitude, the other is guilt

It's good seeing another side of Bolin. Frankly speaking, I prefer seeing the way how he speaks and gives advice in this video. It shows professionalism and matures in him.

Honestly the phrase “blood thicker than water” doesn’t actually mean that family is more important than friends. The full sentence is actually “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”.

Bolin is really good at consultation 👍🏻

Not gonna lie, I think growing up in a traditional Chinese family, I've always been taught filial piety is everything. So I used to think like "Oh I shouldn't hurt my parents' feeling and just tahan all the way through, even though they are in the wrong" because I should "respect" my parents. Until one day when someone said the same thing "Nobody in this world is asked to be born". And that really got me thinking. Well at the end of the day I believe in the middle way. I hope we can find this middle way where neither the parents nor children have to compromise/hurt themselves in order to make the other party happy. Although I have to say I think our parents will be the last generation to be like this. I'm glad I see my friends and my peers who think otherwise from the traditional parenting system that we are all brought up upon. Take care everyone!

Such a well made, relatable episode. We need this therapy session each week. Convert this into a podcast, I'm sure a lot of people would be interested to hear yall, especially dealing with such common issues. Choose a day of the week to release both the recorded episode on youtube, as well as the audio podcast. Also, today I felt as if Bolin was talking like a real, mature brother. Actual good advice, and very detailed point of view. i really like this serious and caring side of Bolin. Please both of yall, we need this every week.

Parents should watch this video, im sure every child watching this can relate one way or another

this episode is probably by far my most favorite out of all the ZULA answers episodes. i can’t stress how much bolin and brenda has so much chemistry together and they really make each episode become so memorable. and yet again i am so impressed with how mature and understanding bolin is, he really shows his maturity through all of his answers. and brenda’s answer from confession 2 really stuck with me throughout the whole episode. “we always live for others”, and that is so true. i love how both of them are so sincere and genuine in this episode, i would love to see more of them!! 🤍

This is the best series from Zula. Please do not stop this series. It’s insightful, interesting and so so so relatable. Good job both of u!

The bought back snacks for parents @10:48 hit me. Same situation, bought back snacks for parents but they scolded me and say waste money buy this kind of garbage home. I mean every family will have certain kind of toxicity IMO. When I was still studying, I have my father say things like: Right after O levels and my dad response is: "You can go poly a not? Why not you appeal for nursing since its like 30+ points confirm easier get in then at least in the future you can take care of me, make yourself useful." Tell my dad I want to further study and his response is: "You go uni for what? Don't go la, go also fail, waste money. Why not you go learn driving so you can go drive grab and bring me around SG. Make yourself useful." It's something I will remember for life of having such a toxic father.

The "you live in my house, you abide by my rules" thing is SERIOUSLY from the time of our parents. It's unfair. Also the outsider's opinion is damn legit hahahaa

I want Bolin to be my friend.

Bolin: I really sleep outside 3 days 🤷🏻‍♂️ Brenda: Bolin Chen 🙂 My opinion (though nobody asked 🤷🏻‍♂️) - Parents is our creators, no matter what happens they will forever be the ones who given you life so they already deserves our respect BUT…. What I think is that yes… in our heart we should forever be grateful for them but it is very important for them to provide a proper and balance educations to us when we are growing up so they should never ever drag us into their obstacles in their life because they should know that things like this might traumatise us as their child as parents will forever be our role models. The only time that children starts to grow up and mature is when parents start to be more supportive and treat children as adult instead of being very strict and always say no to their children UNLESS they are very dependent to people around them because children who is very dependent will always make their parents worry.. ONE DAY! You might become a parent too so you will start to understand why your parents might do that to you but you have your own style in raising a child, I believe in that stage of life, your parents which is your children’s grandparents will become your mentors and trust me, they will probably treat your children better than you because it’s their grandchildren 😂🤭 There is a lot to say but in summary, good or bad parents is still your parents and you can never ever change that, you can hate them or dislike them but you must always have the basic respect for them!

Please do another episode on families. I related so much to this and wished I had heard these advice when I was younger. I have since moved out from my family but some of these triggers still live with me and affect my relationship with my long-term bf. I agree, therapy should be for everyone and everyone should go for therapy. Once I start working full-time next Jan, I will be going for therapy sessions regularly to try and seek help on this. I really do not wish to let my past grasp so much control over me and hope for therapy to help me.

Power lah Bolin, your advice super SOLID sia. Asian Parents problem, I believe we all have similar encounters.

*14:15** hit me hard. Self-love is so important* and I'm so touched to hear this from Bolin as a reminder although I'm in my mid 30s. My whole childhood was motivated by my eagerness to move out asap. I ended up scoring well in all my studies, getting scholarships, giving tuition to earn money and saving enough to buy a house 2 years after I officially started working. I guess that's what I'll thank my toxic parents for.

I am slightly distracted by Bolin's mike. The white outline makes it look like the mike was "added" in front of him lol!

Bolin is pretty good at counselling! He has a very mature mindset

Bolin Chen - The older Brother we never knew we needed :’)

After watching this video, i realized parents like to control their child are not a good parents at all. Parents should reflect and explain to the child y u shouldn't do this and tat instead of controlling. Just because when their parents did tat to them when they were young they think it's right to do it on their child. The vicious cycle will keep on repeating and will never end until opinion/thinking changed.

I feel that we should educate parents too, because many suicide cases comes from having toxic parents if im not wrong

really loved this perspective from both Bolin and Brenda👍🏽👍🏽

Zula answers is my favourite segment in TSL , I really look up to Bolin and Brenda for all these wise and insightful opinions :)

i love this talk seriously, very insightful

I think the term "useless" should not be said by ANY parents to their child. The child could be having already be having a terrible day, and that ONE word would make their day 10 times worst. Also, if you think about it, the term "useless" doesn't make any sense or should even be used because no human is technically useless. For parents, you may think it is a simple remark, it isn't so don't. You already have way more life experiences compared to your child, and you probably had moments with your own parents that weren't so nice. Making the same mistakes like your own parents ain't the way. Be more supportive and break the cycle. And for children hearing it, you may be able to handle it at the point of time or shrug it off but when it is being combo-ed to your face with other life experiences outside of what you experience at home? You gonna wish that you have parents that would be more mindful with their words :/

OMG I LOVE the advices from BOLIN so much in this episode! Very sound advices!

Bolin. U show depth in ur thoughts. Impressed.

As I see it, between parents and children, the full fabric (of love, bond and ) trust is SUPPOSED to be naturally deep and strong - right from the start of their shared lives together. Unfortunately, along their shared journey, the bond weakened or failed to hold. Sometimes, it just can't be mended, even with the best efforts. And, it has become so painful to bear and too meaningless to hold on to life, I would say, Be kind to yourself. Walk away from the source of pain, the guilt tripping, the mind manipulations, etc. Recognize that the trust is forfeited.The trust is gorgeous. Disregard I once knew a woman who has been abused all her life

Related to many things from different stories. Definitely quite touchy to me. I still have some self-guilt for existing because I grew up with the thinking that I "owe" my parents. I had suicidal thoughts because I felt that they wouldn't have to waste money on me anymore.

So cool this segment ... SUBSCRIBED :) Am GenX yet can resonate ... I especially like Brenda's statement, "all types of people become parents". Definitely address toxic family issues early so it doesn't affect the choices you make later in life. Sometimes you end up hurting friends or cannot go on to build your own family because the one you were born into was crap ... it happens.

The first one is literally my parents

This is a topic that many people can relate, be it minor or major conflicts. Hope to see more sharing of this. I do wanna share my experience, hoping someone could benefits from this too. I cut ties with my sister because of the toxic relationship, left the house for good, fortunate enough to afford my own rented apartment to heal. My parents are typical person who believe in blood ties and always give in but I'm long over this principle. I am also hoping the rest could open up their mind, and reflect for yourself, "what is the best for you". Because you can't save a family relationship when you cannot even save yourself (from those traumas). Sacrifice for someone is a touching story, but that depends on whether the person is worth it.

If you can get to therapy start early it will help but for me as example communication didn’t work out and the conflicts between my toxic mum. It was hell for me for 10 years... i was then diagnosed with some mental health illness. Everyday was so tiring. So to communication really doesn’t work I think to concluded seek therapy as soon as you know something is wrong. After all the negativity things that my mum used to say to me. Growing up makes it more difficult. I suffered.

My moms attitude changed instantly when she knew I could and would drop her as I don’t give two shits about blood ties, the trauma and anxiety she gave me over runs that. I think sometimes it’s better to let them know that we don’t owe them anything.

love this, maaann

could relate to so many bits and pieces across the four stories. kinda thought it was the "norm". am just realising (a tad bit too late) that I've been surrounded by toxicity growing up. yay me.

Me and my sister growing up look at my dad siblings fighting each other because of money until go to the court. Even today the conflict haven’t solve. Should make an episode about this topic.

Nice vid up there!

Every generation of parents were once a generation of kids who complained about toxic parents. The perspectives change once one has kids and is responsible for a human life. Everyone is human and learning on the job. This generation will also face their children one day who will accuse them of being toxic, embracing different values. Ultimately, parents do what they do from their love for the kids, no parents wish evil on their kids. Trust me, I now have now young kids and I regret all the things I said/did to my parents. Don’t wait till it’s too late to appreciate your parents.

I know this video is well meaning, but it really upsets me because he tries to justify/downplay the parents’ toxic behavior on multiple occasions. I feel that this is very prevalent in the Singaporean culture, and we excuse such behavior because it is the norm. A lot of the examples cited are universally toxic and detrimental to the child’s developmental and mental health and is acknowledged as such. What makes Singaporeans less deserving of good parents just because it is the norm? No, we do not need to “understand” our abusive parents and they do not deserve our respect. Granted, my family is a lot more abusive than the examples given here, and one of the reasons why I have to live in fear for my life for so long is because I know that no one will take me seriously because abuse in general is so accepted here. I don’t think anyone will care even when they find out the extent of my abuse, which is why I am so scared of calling CPS when I was younger, even though I was on the verge of killing myself because of my family. I have since abandoned my family but still living with intense trauma. No, communication does not always work with most abusive and toxic parents. No, not all parents want the best for you. Evil parents exist. I strongly believe that we should not respect and excuse abusive behaviors.

In familial ties, unlike in spousal relationships, it takes much much more for the bedrock of deep strong trust and love to break down, ie forfeited/bankrupted. Deeply heartbreaking. To those who are suffering, I say - When a parent or child or sibling or relative morphed into a hardened tormentor of yours, don't stay to have your life snuffed out. Free yourself, guiltless in your soul. Confront the fact that you don't deserve to be tormented in a setting that is supposed to be safe and secure.

It’ll be nice to see a family and relationship therapist on this show :)

Probably is a good idea to add the playlist into description, like the whole series so far!

Are these episodes going to be uploaded to Spotify?

I feel the fastest way to start communicating is just do the extreme show fake out cutting ties or just out of no where just act maniac and then just wait awhile and then just reach out to resolve the relationship.

honestly for the first one i thought that all parents are like that, have never thought that this is considered toxic?

15:09 "Abandoning them is not a solution" Erm, why isn't it a solution? You already got married and moved out why do you still need to care about them? Unless there's a really substantial inheritance waiting for you when they die, I really don't see why you need to put up with ungrateful parents.

"Harder done than said" is right Because the one people usually say is "Easier said than done"

Someone once said this and I kinda agree with it. I’m not a unfilial child but I have to agree. So she said this we all have toxic friends, or someone in our lives and we cut them off since they are toxic. But sometimes, the person we need to cut off is our parents. If they are toxic too, it’s ok to cut them off, there’s nothing wrong with it. (Maybe just check on them once in awhile)

There is a saying that goes 'Half of your life is ruined by your parents & the other half is ruined by your kids'.

Like the contrast of colours

Another topic is family wealth and inheritance. How do older generations deal with it, vs what's the younger generation's perception about inheritance, and whether it would really help them, if they were expectant of inheriting wealth/property.

All parents need to go for therapy lmao don’t say no money can collect CPF liao

I love my parents to bits. Now that I am in my 30s, I understand what and how they did it. I know they love me. But I dont want to be a parent. One of my conclusions when I realized all my isssues is thag PARENTING IS HARD. YOU CAN MAKE OR BREAK A PERSON. I dont want that responsibility.

Question - What do you consider a "non-toxic" family and does it exist?

Ayeee its my fav duo again! Tho dk what the two host went through in their own younger time but hearing them talk make me wish i knew them in real life too. Anyways.. coming from a divorce family myself i feel i m one of the more lucky one which i had a adult to speak to when i was younger which helped me understand certain situations.. such as what brenda has mention in the video the divorce is between the adults.. i feel is really important for the children to understand that.. also something to look on a bright side which i strongly believe in up till date.. the children that come from divorce family were forced to grow up but that doesn't necessarily mean bad.. for me at the very least it build me to see things from a more mature way.

I agree with what Brenda mentioned, that as children we need to understand that it is our parents' first time being parents and they are bound to make mistakes. The challenge is that young kids wouldn't understand this concept as we all look up to our parents as adults who should know they are doing. It's only until now that I have become an adult myself that I realised... I still don't know a lot of things. I also grew up with toxic parents and used to despise them. As I get older, I finally understand the concept of "they are also growing and learning with me" and I learnt to forgive and let go. Perhaps an advice we can give the younger generation is that, papa and mama also may not know everything and do learn to forgive them too. Learn to communicate with them. I feel family therapy should also be normalised, not seen as something shameful or embarrassing. Mental well-being is equally, if not more, important as physical well-being.

Thanks

Years from now , it would be interesting to hear your perception and perspective as parents. Both of you as individuals has gone thru some types of problems growing up and it also mold you into the kind of parents you will become. Imagine when you give advises and concerns to your kids which you will at some points because being parents , you will developed a new trait called Protectiveness … and your children doesn’t like what they hear and called you toxic parents … LOLs !!! Life will come full circle !

shouldnt it be communication is easier said than done??

Currently undergoing the first confession for me :(

14:30 live for yourself

Brenda looks like Leah in the thumbnail

All advise sounds right until you become a parent yourself. Anyway every generation has different way of parenting but i can see it is slowly improving generation by generation as people are becoming more well educated and avenue for seeking advise.

Are these scenarios not normal?

7:45 sorry

Lol. Bolin had no fear as a kid.

money solve everything. once you get rich, your words become powerful.

I can really ship Brenda and Bolin tgt. She always say to Bolin "like you know"

20:25 don't blame yourself for the divorce

This is why I started going therapy🤭🤭🤭

When you ever become a parent one day, u will definitely not say a lot of what u said in tis video. It’s a matter of perspective. When I become a father 15 years ago. It’s a life changer. I see and appreciate things and people very differently from both a parent and a child perspective. It’s not something that can be taught. Parents love for their children is unconditional, selfless. Don’t forget they are also first time parents, they will make mistakes too. But their love and intentions never change. Don’t just look at their actions & words, look at their intentions too. We tends to just see things from our angle. Love is a commitment. Spouses commit to one another. Parents commit to their children. Don’t say nonsense like “I didn’t choose to be born” . No one in this world can choose to be born.

ACTUALLY IS SO SIMPLE, IF YOU DONT AGREE JUST MOVE OUT, LIKE WESTERN PEOPLE

No Fark the parents

100k a year is a lot man. Basic 2-3k salary how 🙃

Parents will always worry about their kids, no matter how old the kid is. Display maturity, sensibility, and independence to establish trust.

Do another one with inlaws🤣

😦😦😦

Aiyo bolin, you got the height!! Clean up pleaaassseee. No mustache and the likes, do some light workout so that arm got some guns (no need to be so big, just so it got shapes), and ditch the tshirts.

1,2,4 very common for years. 3, Mama's boy? 😂

first

BOLIN YOU JUST NEED TO GET OUT FROM UR PARENTS HOUSE

who is your daughter lol

first one sound like a typical gen Z kid

Just providing my opinion 1 thing I STRONGLY DISAGREE with Bolin and Brenda is the part where they say "let them decide on their own". This is because ah Men get remarried very easy one, whereas for women to get remarried, not easy even if they want. The mother side should always get more of the share, and the father needs to pay alimony to the female side. BUT....... THERE is MANY FACTORS.......

Do not agree with the 1st confession guidance. The most impt statement that yall miss out from the 1st confession is “I have everything in my life.” This is the trigger point, why not start being independent and SHOW your parents you are capable of taking care of yourself insteading complaining they impose too much restrictions on you. Your life has been given to you, its natural that your parents are having control over you because they are PROVIDING your all. Just start being an adult earn your $ and stop being a gen z

He forgot to colour his other eyebrow. The whole time I kept watching the eyebrow… 🥲