Isn’t more popular. It doesn’t need to be more popular. Her information is helpful and that’s absolutely all it needs to be. Sheesh, it’s all about #’s .
It took me too long to realize if somebody is treating me poorly telling them they are treating me poorly often makes it worse. You can set a boundary once calmly and see if they are able to respect it. Once they step over the boundary recognize they are not interested in treating you like an equal. it's a relationship not worth being in. Forgive yourself when you don't set a boundary immediately. Toxic people set you up for abuse when you least expect it. Recognize the patterns and choose to set a boundary or start distancing yourself from that person. You deserve better. A person who is abusing you will never see their treatment as abuse. They will see themselves as a victim and the way they are treating you as justified.
The story about how your narc wanted you to learn to cook, I went through a similar experience. And constant criticism of my cooking, and even the compliments came with the demands of "this is good, you need to make it more". And my narc ex made me responsible for what he out in his mouth. If he overate, it was my fault. If i brought a bag of snacks into the house, he'd yell at me and sulk because he has no self control and would eat it all in one sitting. I've heard about narcs and their mommy attachment issues, and i totally felt like he was trying to mold me into his ideal mommy through control. The perfect cook, maid, unconditionally loving companion who's job it is to soothe him and care for his every need. It's like they need to make their partners mommies!
You described my ex. He controlled all those things-soap, toothpaste, shampoo, foods, etc. I thought I was the one with the problem. He told me I was the one with the problem. thank you for this validation.
Really good video! Narcissists are so controlling and I missed that completely for a long time. I was told "I don't want to control you, I just want to be in control of myself". Which is not true, because the fog they put you in and control over your life is this "expected conformity". Meaning, the assumption that THEY set the rules for the relationship. "Let's watch this or that" on tv, instead of "What would you like to watch?" or even, "What do you want to do today?" It is always a series of ever-constraining, non-choices. I had 2 cats that passed on within 2 years and due to the narcissist's rules about "NO cats in the bedroom", (I didn't even get a choice), I missed out on so much cuddle time with my cats and comfort of having them sleep on the bed with me. Now they are gone forever. Narcissists are just awful souls.
I can completely relate!! The things the narc tries to control: I must drive to him, he can’t drive to me; I must accept a former girlfriend of his as his tenant living in the same building; I’m controlling and jealous because I don’t accept these conditions; I must drive to him or else I can be replaced (woman downstairs); spending money, laundry detergent, bedtime, TV shows must be ones he likes; he makes fun of my TV shows; the list is endless!! He plays crazy mind games with me in subtle ways so I will react and then he can claim I’m no good. He never SAID I was replaceable if I don’t drive there, but he had most definitely IMPLIED it with his actions. He’s like a king on a throne living in his own castle. He has made me suffer!! I have complained about these things directly to him and NOTHING has changed. In fact, he ignores the woman downstairs in a very awkward way in my presence as if to send the message “She’s controlling me!!!” I’m not okay with HIS behavior. I like the way you distinguish between a normal person being controlling so as to avoid hurt and/or bad behavior and the narcissist’s controlling just to control. Every time I stepped into the bathroom or went upstairs, he would open Facebook. Then when I would walk by, he would click out of it. Every.single.time. He was deliberately creating suspicion and again letting me know indirectly that I was/am replaceable. He wanted me to put up a fuss over this so he could say (again) that I was controlling him. He could say to others that I spy on his social media, etc. He deliberately acts suspicious to trigger a reaction. Then he turns it around on me. He uses that to then control my behavior.
I think this is also known as triangulation, a technique narcissist’s use. I’m being triangulated and he denies it. He puts in zero effort while I have to run over to his house or else he might spend time with someone else. That’s the implication.
Crazy, i feel ya here, especially making fun of my interests and hobbies. My hobbies suck, his are amazing, therefore we only do what he wants. And if I'm not into it, there's something wrong with me. Insanity.
I have watched many of these channels, and I can honestly say that yours is the most accurate. I can relate to everything you say. What I have thought is, how many narcissistic relationships have you suffered to become so insightful? You seem to know so much about these issues. I'm surprised at how well you have coped and how you have managed to stay sane! 🙃🌟
The empty vending machine analogy is spot on. I can remember when they didn't even have to indicate the selection was empty. That is the identical gamble the narc becomes. Let's see, in goes the investment...let's select not being treated like shit. Damn...that didn't work. Ok ok OK. Try again...mmmm how about not being triangulated...damn again. Ok...this slot is showing something sweet, in goes more love and proved for attention....damn. It was just a wrapper faking me out.....getting anxious. Ok, I feel sick, I feel like puking, I'm getting faint from reciprocal hunger. Last try. The machine, which is pretty accurate, calls to come hither. small ok....gone to the machine again that you know is empty. Hmmm...there seems to be a strange car at condo passive aggressive. Well I got an invite ? ...You suspect a lapse in timing or narc forgetfulness has occurred. You knock knock....the lights inside literally go out. Its 15 degrees outside. You wait. Is she safe ? Plenty of inferences were said...but it was gaslighting....Your put into a double bind. No answer trying phone. Conditioned to be vigilant. Do I call for help or just leave. Called her boss, I told them who I was, asked if they knew anything. I was told she has many "friends". Right then and there I knew was being ghosted, right at the front door while the guy inside was also getting triangulated. True experience. There is no bottom. The questions of your judgement in introspection just humbling. Past the immediate affects, your forever changed. There in some truth in the eternal ruminations even though they have changed from heavy to light. But they could be reminders as one reverts back to old self being careful not to go back totally. Naivety in interpersonal indicators a big one not to repeat.
Spot on! Their need to control is a bottomless pit. They will never be satisfied. My narc even went so far as to criticize the way I swung my arms while walking.
Ayyy… I’m binging your entire channel. The real life examples you give… The laundry detergent… Foods… Activities… Queueing… Working… Cooking… What have you! The “I’m telling you what to do without outright telling you what to do” examples. This is IT. This is something understood by people who went through the wringer. And by the ones who have abstract thinking abilities combined with empathy. There’s most likely an actual term for this that I am not aware of 🤣 I found my safe, cozy, understanding, compassionate, loving and warm home on your channel. If you are so inclined - keep doing what you are doing. You nail basically all the intricacies that might go unnoticed by many other people whose books I read, videos I watched, podcasts I listened to. You ARE special! 💜💜
@@LookingBehindtheMirror 💜 I'm still going through your channel. It's fascinating and you have a very engaging and relatable way of laying things out. I haven't yet watched all.of your videos, that will take a while! Do you have any experience with being discarded without being "physicall" discarded (as in broken up with, divorced, etc.). That's what I experienced. It was discard -light as I lovingly call it. I became invisible in my marriage/family. Decisions were made by my Nex without any regard for my input as the spoise or parent My voice was non existent. All this because my Nex didn't want to be the "bad guy" to get divorced for the 3rd time. So he essentially discarded me while still being together "on paper".
My boyfriend actually did get upset and controlling with me because of the way I was cutting a pepper because he cared about me so much and was so concerned about me cutting myself and he knows so much more about it than me since he used to cook in a restaurant. Just one of many examples of things he has done to try to control me and make me feel stupid and less than. Your onion example reminded me of this.
I’m getting triggered just listening to the list of things they want to control. I felt so controlled and in fear while dating a narc exactly right. Just insane
The narcissists next door (a couple. People of the lie describes their behaviour brilliantly), had (they are no longer aloud to speak to me, that doesn’t mean they aren’t still trying to control and bother me 😴 ) but anyway, they had a huge problem with me cleaning my house. I don’t clean any more than a reasonable person but according to the wife, ‘I wasn’t supposed to do ANY cleaning in the spring and summer ( clearly has never heard of‘spring cleaning’). There home wasn’t filthy so I don’t believe that was a rule she adhered to herself. I think the problem was they were scared I was out doing them. Also gardening, me doing that means I was a bad person too. I had all kinds of malevolent motives for doing the most mundane things. And they weren’t shy in the accusations and insults. In fact they were trying to control everything about me. Just wouldn’t leave me alone. I hardly knew them when it started. Grandiose and walking and talking as though they themselves were completely without faults. I think you summed that up excellently. Thank you 😊. Take care
There was always a threat of a tantrum occurring if things didn’t go smoothly, which really means she was controlling me. She told me how in High School she would be able to control some bullying girls by losing her temper and appear threatening to them. With me, I knew that she would freak out over just about anything or even nothing I did at all and I certainly wanted to avoid that at all costs, it was really very upsetting to me. But, if she had some crazy tantrum and we were not on vacation, I would just pack up and leave, (we were not married and kept separate places.) It might be months before I saw her again. Finally, I left for good, after the umpteenth time she was disruptive at a family holiday dinner. It was never going to end, I was always going to be controlled by her, with me walking on eggshells.
Yea control freaks .the first time in my life that I ever heard from anyone the word permission. My ex was also obsessed stalker .ro anyone who stopped being around her and I found out .that's its so ingrained in her brain that the first two or three months she does the exact same thing I was with her for two years by that time when I went no contact I felt crazy was exhausted had those Angier outburst .either my ex was a narc socioath or malignant narc .she stalked till the end of 2018 that'd when me and another guy at the same time had to take her to court .in 2020 when everything was locking down she tried to ger in my building was told to get off the property and I found out she was also harassing that other guy .I had block everything. She even got into a support group I was in on Facebook chat and was blocked once she was attacking another guy who was talking about his ex wife and she though he was talking about her. And just recently I was wifh someone and she started an Instagram and I reported it once she told Me .Me and my girl should unlive each other .I was only with her for 2 years went no contact in 2017 .my therapist who helped me told me those obsessed stalkers are bat s crazy.
That is scary.i had a,similar experience. He broke into my home once 6 maths after I escaped him. I had to physically fight him to get him our. He was standing outside after I locked the door on his knees crying at how I had not allowed him to break in. He then got up and kicked the door. They are so disturbed x
Why dont you get your license or atleast become a life coach.l? Youre insight can help alot of people. I have got a lot of counseling under my belt cuz of this evil monster and you know your stuff regarding this topic.
I have one called “The Narcissist’s New Supply” from Feb of 2022. I also did one on discarding and devaluing a few years ago. That’s probably a good topic to do a new video on. Thanks for the suggestion!
