This can also happen in families where you witness a lot of arguing and chaos and your nervous system is constantly vigilant expecting the next outburst/ unpredictable behavior so you grow up placating everyone in an attempt to avoid conflict. *Edit*In my home there was a combination of both. Big blowout arguments, then silence while we all go to separate places. Stomping around and slamming doors but not speaking. The next day we act like nothing happened...I would consider myself anxious-avoidant (I think also called disorganized or fearful avoidant) because I experience characteristics of both. Either shutting down and ignoring my needs, or exploding and feeling like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. Of course it's more complicated than a short clip can explain but I definitely exhibit the behaviors she described in my relationships. Getting better though. Healing is possible❤️
@@LexinePishue This is exactly what I experienced growing up. The elephant in the room was expected to be ignored. No repair talk, just pretend like nothing ever happened. I see you ❤️
Living in this environment is horrible. Specially if you have a parent or family member with a disorder like schizotypal, anger issues, bipolar, that refuses to get treatment
"Oh, my childhood was fine! Very boring. No yelling or abuse or nothing like that." I've been saying this for over 30 years and this short just hit me like a ton of bricks.
Don’t forget the part about feeling incredibly guilted when you finally decide to set boundaries with your partner and not go along with absolutely everything because your just “disappointing people”
Yes & no..? For me, I can have boundaries & express them with my hubby…he knows exactly how sensitive I am to certain ways of phrasing things, tones of voice (tired = grouchy in my mind & I always take it personally…I have to be distanced from the immediate moment with the tired tone to realize it’s not me & it’s not personal, etc…JUST. TIRED.), lighting, sounds, textures, etc…and I kid you not, he’s perfect for me…imperfect, yes…and he’s not “perfect” like “my every weakness is met by his strength” or something (that’s a romantic notion. Sometimes we’re both just weak, and that’s okay.), but like…he really respects those boundaries, and whenever they’re crossed, he acknowledges it, owns it, and apologizes for it…and that’s something I’m just hungry for - not for my boundaries to never ever be crossed, but for how the whole thing is handled afterwards…I grew up with the mentality that I either couldn’t really have my own boundaries, or the lack of respect for them was somehow on me. And him showing me differently? That’s treasured. The problem isn’t setting boundaries with my hubby, but with my mom…I can’t express any pain she caused without it being my fault or something, I used to not really have my own time (I lived at home until I got married, and my hubby has had my back since day 1, whether I’m in the right or the wrong…it’s just that he manages to tell me I’m wrong about something without me falling apart…😂🥹🥰), I wasn’t really allowed to feel off & not do chores or something unless I was physically sick enough to not do them (which, hey!! Mental health is a real thing too!! It’s just that if you read “don’t leave your depressed loved one alone”, you suddenly get to never leave them alone…😂🙈), etc…mind you, a lot of these memories are a bit older…but it doesn’t matter how many times I forgive & forget, the next time anything similar happens, it reminds me of “that one (hundredth) time when…” & it just sucks…to this day, I don’t think I have boundaries with her…and it’s draining. If she asks me to help with the kitchen, I work myself to the bone doing as much as I can with as much anxiety as I have, burn out doing it, feel guilty as heck for not completing it to the nth degree/asking for help/thinking of my own messy-as-heck kitchen that I’ve been avoiding because it’s so overwhelming (no matter if it’s almost clean or terribly dirty, no less), and panic all over again because of how much left there is to do…in both kitchens…all that to say, communication is tough with my hubby, but almost impossible with my mom…and I just don’t want a repeat of that in my home. I want my kids to feel like they can tell me what I’m doing wrong & improve my parenting with them. I’d rather a little humiliation at getting something wrong (because I go all the way or no way - there’s no such thing as minor embarrassment for me…😂🤦♀️🤪) than a long lasting wound growing up. ❤
And when youre first learning boundaries and are terrible at them, so theyre either wayyy too harsh or lenient (oftentimes dependent on how secure you feel with the person), and in the end you wonder how your loved ones put up with you, if they did
@Joyfillied wow, thats a lot to unpack.. i hope youre still working on yourself for your hubby. He sounds like hes doing great though, youre so blessed to have someone like him. Hopefully you can figure it out with your mom, too. It's very important for yourself to forgive others, and if you'd like to forget afterwards, first reflect and learn the lesson from the situation, remember those important details of the lessons you learned from your pain, but forget the ones that are painful when possible. When boundaries are crossed or youre hurt again by the choice of another individual who previously made the same mistake but apologized, then it actually is up to you to do something, otherwise its very easy to be taken advantage of, unnecessarily. So, if someone doesnt respect you enough, it's up to you to do something that doesnt control them, but controls the situation. For example, if someone kept repeating the same mistakes, it's worth weighing whether or not youd like to continue the relationship or if youd like to take a step back from it (engage with the other person less). If you dont do that, then its very easy for the other person to keep hurting you because you provided no consequences. I hope you do provide related consequences for boundaries purposefully being crossed because you deserve that❤ God bless❤ Ps. I think you would probably really benefit from asking your hubby questions when you feel insecure (for example: ask, "Are you mad at me?" Or "Are you just tired?") I think it would be really sweet because youd be improving your communication for him which shows you care, but it would also probably help you feel better in certain situations❤
I can remember this as a kid. My mum would do it especially. If she got angry, or annoyed, she got quiet. I HATED when mum got quiet. One word answers, if at all, no eye contact, just complete shutdown of communication. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours. But you know why I love her to this day? She developed out of it! She doesn't do that anymore, or if she does it doesn't last ANYWHERE near as long, and it's always followed up by hugs and apologies. She recognised what she was doing to her kids, and her relationship, and began improving. It was slow, but it meant the world to me, and it was a great example that no matter how awful I have been, I can always change. I can always make things right. I can remember times as a teenager, washing dishes and cleaning to try and appease my angry, silent mother. And then she just came up behind me, hugged me really tight and said she was sorry for stressing me out, and thanked me for trying to help her the only way I knew how. I know she likes a clean house, so I cleaned to try and make her happy. That's the difference between a good parent and a bad one. Good parents may still do bad things, and can make a BOATLOAD of mistakes. But they will always recognise that it was a bad thing, and try to fix it. They will try to grow and mature, even if they're a middle aged adult! My mum did her best. She made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, just like this kind of thing from the video. But she didn't stay that way, and she did her best to try and help me feel loved, appreciated and emotionally validated. It was late, to be sure, but I love her to bits for trying and doing her best to help me through the aftermath of growing up with her doing that! She encouraged me to go to therapy, and whenever I feel stressed or anything she is open to hear it and accepts it, even if she is part of the problem. I'm an adult now, but I still go to her to complain, vent and seek advice, because she's the best person I know for advice about changing. My mum isn't perfect. But she tries a lot harder than many parents, and I am so lucky.
Thank you for this comment. Many times we just blame or parents and our past and we forget that they didn't had the knowledge or resources to handle emotions like we do today. Let's all take responsibility and be better and love our parents because they tried their best.
I can't relate as someone who is more the anxious side. JUST TALK! They won't yell at you, if they do, leave. Avoidants always leave good people due to not opening up anyways. Open up or hate your life, like cmon, it's not easy I've broken down crying and thrown up (real bad trauma). That one girl still lost interest and probably was just bottling up. Do not damage good people by trying not to damage people.
@@SA-ey6nta healthy amount of “clinginess” is essential for any healthy relationship, whereas the lack of “tAlK” is detrimental to any relationship… please stay alone if you really hate “clinginess” and “talking” that much, don’t bother other people and don’t get bothered by other people and die peacefully and gracefully alone.
Because this is how I was raised, I always thought it was a positive thing, I thought we all had the ability to move on, when in reality we were repressing our feelings and needs.
My first relationship with a full-blown diagnosed borderline was such an event. I’ve done a lot of work in recovery for the past eight or nine years, and had a really healthy relationship for three years prior to her. We literally never had a fight in the whole time, there were probably two times when I was really triggered and kind of tried to start one but my partner was just phenomenally, healthy, and in love and committed to communication. We worked through some really profound stuff in both of our lives and childhood. When I met my ex BPD, going over past relationships as many of us do when preparing to commit, long-term to someone, good to assess and know what we’re getting into! She hooked me in with empathy from all the stories of abuse and abandonment she had, which were actually, 180° reversals from reality like everything else in her life that I found out much later and were all situations that she caused, created or forced with her horrorshow behavior. When I was telling her about my last relationship that we didn’t have a single fight in three years, she said “how boring!“ I couldn’t tell if she was kidding or what… It should’ve been an orange or red flag I realize now, because she really wasn’t kidding. She had been, however, posing as a professional in the healing professions, as well as somebody on the spiritual path. You know where we take responsibility for ourselves in our lives, and try to create peace and more love in the world? Yeah, basically the diametric opposite of toxic people and the cluster B Spectrum.
Oh man....I just realized something about myself this comment. I think depending on thw situation it still can be a good thing. Like a super power. Cuz for me at least, whenever something bad is happening, in the moment I am completely fine amd callm and collected and get through ot without freaking out or getting emotional or anything. I MIGHT melt down after wards when things calmed down and the situation is safe again. But, I don't always. I'm like an emotional brick when bad things happen and I can handle situations. But I know there's a downside to this. But think the pros outweigh the cons. Car crashed? 😕 Family member sick in the hospital? 😕 Person jumped out the car while I'm driving? 😕 Mother tried to self delete? 😕 Sister ran away to a different state to start a new life? 😕 SA? 😕 Drunk friend trying to self delete? 😕 You get the point. I just keel a level head. But maybe it's from this?
@@sillianjloth254sounds like you’re dissociating from life bc negative emotions would be too overwhelming. You override your body’s natural ability to process emotions by stamping them down and rationalizing. It’s normal, common, and what you’ve had to do to survive and keep yourself emotionally safe (unconsciously). It’s probably affecting your relationships though and other areas in your life where other uncomfortable emotions may pop up. Life is about balance - not overly emotional and not so stoic that you don’t feel anything - we should aim for healthy “wise mind” (what DBT calls it). Do you ever feel like you’re on the outside looking in?
I didn’t know it was mine until I watched this. And I am exactly like she just described. I always knew the silent treatment was not good but I didn’t know why
This is why I apologize for everything and always think people are mad at me, talking about me negativly, or dont like me.. I also always feel like im in trouble
whoa i have this SAME exact experience and was just telling a friend about it last night. except my mom screamed a lot and was verbally abusive crazy how different situations can produce similar outcomes
When I was young, I envied “quiet homes” because I came from a large black family and we get loud and we yell and we communicate in a way that is not very quiet so as a kid, I just always thought like it was better to come from a home where there was no yelling, and there was no raising your voice or anything like that as I’ve gotten older I realize that there are issues with both kind of upbringings because trust me I got my problems, but I had no idea. This is how the avoidant is formed.
Ppl who say everyone can heal never dealt with cptsd. Say that to traumatized veterans! You have no idea how broken their mind is and seeing and doing horrific things played out on repeat in your mind! Thats like breaking someones legs and telling them walk it off. My other analogy is when you break a mirror it will never be the same. You got your big pieces you can put together but then you have smaller pieces that dont fit right no matter what you do while other pieces are completely shattered. You can try and fill those holes yet things wont ever be the same! Not by a long shot!
Your videos have helped me be more self aware of how I teach my 2 year old to regulate his emotions. I grew up in a disfunctional family and I wasnt taught how to regulate my emotions or any healthy coping skills. I try my best to be emotionally present with him, even though I am still healing from my own traumas and tend to dissociate. It's been hard maintaining calm and regulated during the tantrums, but I remind myself the way I speak to him now is how he will talk to himself as he's older. It's exhausting especially as a single mother, but I'm hopeful that in the process of this we are ending generational cycles of abuse.
I had that same issue when I was dating my husband and in the first 6 + years of marriage. It was BECAUSE my parents fought about everything and were constantly arguing. They made me feel like my opinions and thoughts didn’t matter because I’d get blown up at all the time. I worried that my marriage would be the same way, so I didn’t express how I felt until my husband had to pry it out of me! I’m finally learning how to be open with my feelings after 10 years… 😂 My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me! 😊
This is why i have pretty much constant conversations with my daughter about speaking up, and knowing that she is allowed to take up space and so are her feelings
Wow you just captured my entire childhood. I wish I saw this before it took me 35 years to figure out why I was so messed up with my family. I'm 37 now and life is much better once you understand the reasons your so fuxked up and can move past it and become the person I actually am. Your words are amazing at showing how damaging a household like this can be. My parents don't understand why my kids are allowed to cry and yell and have opinions. To us it's not an option or an allowance they are human so they get to be and act like humans.
Congratulations on letting your kids be actual humans, with ranges of emotion and experience and expression. Figuring out that that's important is impressive considering your own history. Obviously it's not gonna be perfect and our kids are also going to need therapy 😂 but not like us. Cheers.
This is me. I moved out and had no clue how to resolve conflict as an adult, had no clue THAT I had no clue. I thought it was normal. I've learned healthy conflict resolution over the years but it still gives me a lot of anxiety.
I hate how accurate this is it's like we lived the same childhood 😢. I struggle so much with even accepting that my problems are really worth bringing up, even then I back down so easily. Having relationships and connections is a huge struggle too. Ugh.
I think a lot of people actually do know to some extent. Maybe not in exact detail or in a way that helps them understand how it affects others, but I have never met a person that doesn’t know their own toxic traits. Talk to them for a while and they will tell you in their own words. “I don’t know what my problem is but I can never (fill in the blank)”… or any other phrasing where they notice they are different or insufficient or heavily pointing fingers at others when it’s their own insecurity they are hating on. They know. Trust me.
@@chelseabunker2391I disagree. Read Robert Greene, Laws of Human Nature. Read any book or watch more videos on human behavior. You won't be wrong, you'll just have more knowledge, understanding and better tools.
@@chelseabunker2391actually, they have a clue that something is wrong but they can't pinpoint what because they lack the introspection, because they feel so bad about themselves that they can't look inside them and look what's wrong and even if they do, there's so much wrong, they get scared and prefer not to look
Omg. This is me. I worked really hard in my 20s to get out of this but when my mom moved in with me cause she was sick it triggered so much dysfunction and disregulation 😢😢😢😢. I had such a “good” upbringing that I didn’t know what was wrong with me now I see. We had the silent war in my home as a child
I try to teach my kids that getting mad or upset or frustrated is OK. Everybody gets mad. Everybody gets in arguments. It’s ok to “fight” (not like physically lol) but I want them to know it’s ok to express their feelings. Like if my husband and I have a disagreement or get annoyed with each other, we don’t hide it from the kids. They see us argue but then they see that we still love each other and an argument doesn’t mean our relationship is in trouble. It means we can work through things and still be a healthy couple.
Ex wife opened up about severe childhood trauma 2 days after she asked for a divorce. She accused me of not loving her and not being supportive and that I forced myself to love her. Nothing she was saying was making sense. Everything came out of left field. Then she finally opened up about her trauma. I held her told her I loved her was proud of her for opening up. And she still pushed me away. Sometimes you try and try but they still push you away. The emotional imbalance they possess is nothing that we can do to change it. The survivor needs so much support from loved ones, if not they will close off and begin to spiral. Mental health is sad. We just need more people to have the emotional intelligence and capacity to stay near these people who are hurt more then words can explain. God bless all
My Dad goes through this with my Mom (she had a VERY bad childhood), so I see where you're coming from from a third party and I just want to say, in case no one else has, that people like you are very appreciated. Massive thank you. Hoping you are well.
We push away because we are too consumed by our trauma and we can’t possibly see how anyone would want us. This is me currently. I’m struggling to understand why my emotionally avoidant husband would want me when he doesn’t express love to me in a manner I apparently need. So I automatically assume he’s lying to me and I panic. It’s horrible. And we may not make it.
Thank you so much for not giving up on her. I'm sorry your marriage did not work out. Trauma can be so consuming, and trying to function while you're in it is like walking around in complete darkness. You have a big heart, and I'm so sorry things didn't work for you two. Thank you so much for sharing your comment. It made me cry. I'm thinking of myself and my bf in yalls shoes. I just want to grow and heal and do better. God bless you ❤️
Honestly same. I feel like anything I want or need doesn’t matter in the end. There is self sacrifice and then there is self negligence. My husband is helping me learn to love myself and it’s okay to do nice things for myself and to communicate is healthy.
I love these. Format is incredible both prospectively in raising my own children but also retrospectively in making sense of the disordered family systems I experienced as a child. Thank you for your work.
This is my family lol. My parents can literally feel tension and just keep everything light and pretend like everything is fine. They will not, I repeat, will not ever bring anything up. Or ever say sorry.
My ex-husband's family. When I realised why I was so miserable it's because I was going along with everything that was "expected" of me. I was basically a nothing person.
Half of my family did this the other half yelled and threw things across the room. Over the last 20 years I have been working on letting my children know they can tell me anything and that I will support them in any way they need me to. I may not always agree with their decisions but I will always love them no matter what. I try to be the calm bay in the wild sea of life. I hope when they are all grown they see me in this way.
Or a mum whose temper goes from 0 to 100 like a flick of a switch and starts screaming for the smallest things, so you become hypervigilant. Or when your parents talk over you when you want to tell them something exciting, making you feel like your needs are unimportant.
That's why it's dangerous now for me and mine bc this hypervigalence has now caused bodily reactions reflexes I have no control over I'm immediately ready for smoke that's why I be too myself bc not too much on me im avoidant to protect them and myself at this point cuz I'm tired of the shit
This was my family growing up. My mom was completely depressed to the point of being non-functional, and no one talked about it. My sister and I were being neglected and falling apart at school. My parents pretended we were fine. At 14, I threatened to unalive myself, and my dad hit me so hard I don't remember it. It was never spoken about for 30+ years until my dad casually mentioned how big of a brat I was at 14 that he had to smack some sense into me. My dad is likely an avoidment attachment, my mom was definitely anxious attachment, people pleaser who expected us kids to fawn over her the way she would fawn over her verbally abusive mother. Guess what- we're avoidant attachment and she would say things like she didn't think we loved her, etc because there really was no relationship between us. Just silence. It was awful.
This is true. Took many years to figure this out. I grew up with parents who rarely fought, they would just shun each other for weeks. They were good people and good parents to me, just bad with each other. It was just how they were raised and they weren't even conscious that they shut down like that. Then I married and my first husband was awful but I would just put up with so much because I didn't think I was worth it and I didn't want to be the bad guy. But then I did the deep work, got comfortable being "the bitch", which meant having boundaries and expressing needs. Eventually got out of that relationship and everything got better. I didn't go to therapy but it likely would have got me here faster. We don't have to be victims to our own impulses forever. It is possible to heal.
Idgaf I m getting ish of my chest so nobody can be in the dark about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not carrying around all these rocks and can’t offload 😅
Whenever I asserted a point of view as a teen, stood up for myself in the strict helicopter home I was in, I'd get slapped with the "crazy" label. My parents have gotten better thru the years. I'm 31 and moved out now. I am trying to learn to share emotions with others. But damn it's hard. Not knowing how that emotion will be received.
I’m avoidant, fearfully to be exact. My husband has a secure attachment, when I stonewalled to prevent fights, he told me that wasn’t healthy and it shattered my upbringing. I always felt unheard and uncared for as kid, but I thought that was the natural order of a parent-child relationship. We have a daughter now and I’m working hard to stop those FA coping habits because I don’t want her to feel the burden I felt growing up.
Thats called people pleasing/ fawning. Its a coping mechanism that we usually outgrow around 30-40 when we finally speak our truth to all those people who silenced our voice all those years.
Well, it’s a dilemma of “connection vs authenticity”, that is an issue of a lifetime. Sometimes being honest hurts peoples feelings, and if you love someone, you don’t want to see them hurt. (We all have a “mask”, or persona, that is different to our boss, parent, siblings, police, etc…just to get along. Why? Because we are not psychopaths).
also, growing up in an asian family, its looked down upon to voice out my thoughts /emotions. so i just got used to not voicing it out. it's hard to heal if the people around me doesn't want to listen. need more people around me, i hate my family.
My issues with my dad gave me anxious attachment stuff, my issues with my mom gave me avoidant stuff. Now I'm struggling my way through trying to communicate with my partner and doing my best to grow and change. Thank you for helping me identify what's going on in my head.
Wow, I’m learning more on here than I have before! This is reading me like a book and validating my experiences HARD! Wow…I used to get the silent treatment/ignored as punishment as a kid growing up & as an adult, when people aren’t talking to me, I feel like they’re mad at me & like I did something wrong. I had a coworker who some days wasn’t very talkative (she can be like that in general) & for days, I felt so guilty for nothing, as if I did something wrong. Turns out, she wasn’t even mad at me and she was surprised when I asked her if she was. Thanks for a vid like this. I often feel very alone in my experiences, but this makes me feel less alone & validated. ❤
Same! I’m almost 40 and still often find myself feeling “in trouble” I have to remind myself- - - hunny you are the boss of your life… only you can say when you’re in trouble or not
I was emotionally geglected as a child but I'm starting to be so grateful for how I grew up. I was rarely judged negatively (or praised) if there was a problem there was a short fight but no resentment. I never walked around sensing resentment or fear. I did however know what upset my mother and knew how to avoid her when I prepared food so she wouldn't see the crumbs before I wiped them up etc anyway, I would consider myself a pretty emotionally intelligent mostly secure/anxious attachment style. I am so happy I'm not avoidant. I think the avoidants have more difficult work to do to find themselves. Anxious people have to find peace and compassion but although they have hard work to do, there's not as much hiding to uncover. It would be so scary knowing parts of you have been hiding under rocks you may never find.
When you start to uncover past traumas after year of repressing emotions, the only way I can describe what's under the rug is 'what the hell?!?'. I truly convinced myself that I was ok, so it was very unsettling
Living with a family like this is so frustrating. Something happens and the next day everyone’s avoiding each other quietly going about their day and keeping their head down. And if you say something you’re viewed as the bad guy or the one stirring up trouble. We need to address things and express why they upset us & how to fix situations.
@fab3laundry, In a nutshell, it teaches them that toxic is normal. They imprint the behavior they see and when they meet, years later, a person who exhibits the same toxic behavior, it feels comfortable, warm, and familiar until all hell breaks loose. If you're in a toxic relationship, you can't conceal the effect it has on you, nor can you silence the negativity in the home. If you want to do the absolute best for your child/ren, remove yourself AND them from the situation. It's not worth it to stay. (speaking as a wife & mom of 3 who divorced after 20 yrs of marriage). It was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Looking back now, 24 yrs after, I wish I'd done it sooner. I see how the repercussions affected my two youngest adult children, both daughters. My eldest, a son, had a rough time during the divorce. I found a good family therapist (a man, because my son was 16) and it helped a lot. My youngest daughter was harmed the most - all due to emotional abuse and neglect by her dad. I did what I needed to do for my sake, but very much because the rotten behavior by my ex was very bad for our children to be around. It was hard, but being a single mom of 3 children was much easier once my ex moved out. He immediately moved in with someone and then out of state. The BS doesn't stop -- he recently told my youngest he "made a big mistake by leaving". ALL children of divorce, (even once they are adults) hope that magically everyone will reconcile and mom & dad will get back together. It's not gonna happen; my ex is an unrepentant alcoholic masquerading as a wise old man.....who just happens to still drink and abuse his current wife. His health is totally wrecked. Never in a million years would I go down that path again. I'm old too....but never drank...so my health is good & I'm free of any entanglements. At 71 I'm not interested in anyone but my adult kids and grandchildren. My dad had problems with alcohol; I think all WW2 veterans did. That, and my mom's constant nagging & complaining created a perfect dysfunctional storm. Do what you need, get Food Stamps, Government help, whatever.....but get you and the children out of that environment. They need you as much as possible now, and you deserve better. For your sake and for the adults they will be. ❤️❤️❤️ Good luck! 🐦🎶
Yep, that's me! So grateful to having realized this and being able to work on my emotional/psychological well-being, especially in terms of inter-personal relationships. Thank you Dr. Nicole for yet another eye-opener of a skit! ❤
After YEARS of therapy I finally can say my attachment style has changed for the better from this. This type of attachment style got me into a hell of a lot of unwanted situations over the years and I’m happy that I have an amazing therapist who has been working with me for going on 5 years with this and other things. My current relationship is the healthiest I’ve been in and we are going to be getting married in 2 years. September 2025. I have a voice and we do have disagreements but they aren’t full blown arguments where we yell at each other. We discuss the situation and find a solution together. It’s so amazing going from that, to where I am now.
So true. Lost my first husband partly due to this. Second husband doesn't understand why I need to talk everything out. Probably gone over the top in the second marriage, but we're still together for over 25 years
I had a mum who would just shut down and my abusive dad would yell. I felt like I had to stand up for mum because she wouldn't and my older brother wouldn't. It put all the pressure on me to do something. To be a hero. But I couldn't I was too afraid. I couldn't control my anxiety which led to me blaming myself.
Damn. That just about made me cry, because this is how I KNOW I'll be if I get in a relationship. For some reason, I'm always the one going with the flow, following along, then I'll get mad at myself and others for treating me like a strung-along puppy. Help!
Heal first. It's not a good idea to get into a relationship until you do or you'll continue the dysfunction in the new one. It's hard but it's necessary.
Therapy. The above advice is CRITIICAL. I bet people who want to take advantage of that are drawn to you like moths to a light bulb and compound your trauma. Then you might lose years or even decades and find yourself using self-destructive methods to cope. At that point, digging out feels so overwhelming..
This one really hits home and it is how I have learned and am unlearning on how to deal with conflict in my life. Sadly there is still arguement in my family where it all started as a child but I am learning to finally forgive and learn to live with that person who I am having issues with.
Harder still is to control your emotions as an adult. I won’t argue now, I’ll discuss. I stay outside of the house until I’ve shaken off the workday enough to come in the home and be positive. Forgive immediately but don’t forget. Set clear boundaries and always be fair. Things I wish would have been demonstrated to me when I was a kid
You're just like my husband. Love him so much but wish he'd give me the real real sometimes. Get mad about anything. Never angry. It's like anger doesn't exist.
We soooooooo so NEED TO HEAR THIS! We have the power to change the trajectory of our own and our children’s stories! I’m so tired of meeting people who should be on an island all alone because they are so damaged by people who were mistreated and never got or sought out help.
Yeah… I kinda think I have this attachment style, but we never had the silent treatment in my family. We had tons of yelling and you tried handling emotions or conflict in a healthy way, you could expect to be shamed, mocked, or ignored. 😅
Yeah, same, except the yelling came from my mum and I was never allowed to talk back, so I had to stay quiet. I remember walking on egg shells my entire time living at home. Then I ended up in an abusive relationship and only just realised why I ended up like this. Shit really
My dad is like this, he will loudly state his opinions but falls completely silent when other people express their thoughts or more serious matters are being discussed. Stubborn like a mule, selfish, and the most infuriating person I know. Although I’m aware of the issue, I can’t get rid of this attachment style. Although at home I do fight back sometimes, outside of the house I have these traits of being timid and agreeable to not cause trouble. I get mad at myself for letting myself be strung-along, and also secretly mad at others when they take advantage of it even unintentionally. It’s getting better over time, but it drives me insane how much my dad has affected me
Interesting. I’m, oddly inverted. I abandoned those who do that. They didn’t argue face to face, but would talk and vilify you to the other family members and claim they were the victims.
I grew up in a really great home with wonderful parents, but it wasnt perfect of course. I've always been the type to shut down when I'm upset and close myself in my room and my parents would give me my space... But in that time I would start thinking negative things about myself, my family, the world, etc. After I calmed down, I'd be good and like it never happened, but telling yourself the same lies over and over definitely makes an impact. So now with my own kids, no matter if I'm upset with them, they're upset with me, they've gotten in trouble, or are just having a hard time and need a moment I always tell them I will leave them be until they want to talk, but I won't leave them alone. I'm here if they want someone to hug them and understand that hugging me doesn't mean they aren't still mad/upset or that I'm not... Just that no matter what is going on, I AM HERE and they are NOT alone or unloved or unwanted or unseen. It doesn't erase the situation, but I don't want to leave them alone with their thoughts. Of course there are times when one needs to be completely alone. Not sure if this is right or wrong, just trying to do the best I can as a sinful and imperfect person.
Talking,not yelling or fighting, can work things out. The silent treatment and violent arguing and fighting will bring kids up with serious issues. My "nmom" yelled about everything, my dad just was quiet and walked away to cool down then talk it out. Man I'm still screwed up!
My parents grew up in volatile homes. As a result they never fight out loud and are so proud of themselves for never fighting. But the result is cold loneliness for the children. And because they never “fought” a misunderstanding could last 3 or 4 months. I really want to break this cycle with my kids. When my husband and I fight, we stay in the same room with our kids so they can witness conflict resolution. It also gives us an audience so we don’t say something without thinking. Built in accountability. It’s worked pretty well for the last 15 years.
I grew up in a household that was only arguments. My parents fought and yelled at each other a lot and my older siblings fought and yelled at each other. My younger sibling and I are both avoidant to fights. I completely shut down when people argue with me. It makes me physically ill when people fight
Taking responsibility for our thoughts and feelings and not attempting to be responsible for others' thoughts and feelings is critical in dealing with life. These videos are absolutely genius.
My dad was the silent treatment type. He would ignore me for weeks or even months without a word. I would go about my business and he would turn his head away from me whenever i entered the room. Wouldnt speak to me or look at me for weeks. Didnt make sure i ate or bathed or went to school. Its like i didnt exist.
Yeah, i kinda had the same relationship with my dad growing up. Didnt see him much at all. Dont have that many memories even though i lived with him for 18 years. 😂
This hits home so strongly for me. Doesn't help that I was literally abandoned my my mother and then my grandparents who raised me were like this. I'd already been rejected once so I was convinced I had to try to be perfect and prevent any conflict or it would happen again. I've done a lot of processing around this stuff and have gotten to the point where I am better at voicing my needs but those thoughts and feelings of always being too much or being a burden or not wanted are still there.
This is described my house. Until last year i had enough and explode. We still give each other silent treatment, sometimes i don't even know what i do wrong. Sometimes i felt like they just regreting their decision to having me. Make me felt unworthy, neglected, and lonely. But however i need to face it right, i dont have to said anything, so we could be together
This is the 3rd time one of your shorts popped up for me and every one of them hit the nail on the head for me. I’m lucky to have found an amazing partner/husband who has helped me so much in healing, forgiving, expressing myself and all that good stuff lol although there’s still a lot of work I need to do
This was my household as a child. I would try to talk with my mother when things felt off and she would just shut me down to the point I eventually cried every time she would go silent. As an adult, I notice I shut down at first but then will revisit the issue with that person without the extra initial emotions. Is this still an avoidant attachment trait a rational way to resolve issues?
For me, I communicate to the person by saying look I’m really upset and I don’t want to get in a heated argument. Can you give me an hour to calm down and we’ll revisit it later? I want to hear what you have to say. It’s worked well for me so far!:)
@@advisorywarning Now that is healthy communication. You're clearly communicating your need for space, you've provided when you'll return, and you've given reassurance.
I would say it's almost always a bad idea to try and solve something when you're in that initial high state of emotions. Sounds pretty healthy to me. I do not understand why some online content pushes the idea that there is only one way to solve conflicts in a healthy way (immediately, directly, with completely open and blunt communication). Nah, different styles and strategies should be acceptable. The only thing you should be aiming for is mutual understanding and a solution that satisfies both parties. I for one have a hard rule of no yelling. Don't care if people think that's some kind of trigger I need to get over in order to "heal". Nah, people are perfectly capable of not raising their voice during a disagreement. If you feel like you have to yell, then some fundamental aspect of respect is missing from the conversation. Yelling is aggressive. There is no need for aggression with people who are supposed to be in a caring relationship with you.
My mom is all about conflict and volatility while my dad avoids conflict at all costs. They are polar opposites so it was hard choosing which to adopt into my personality as I grew up. I sort of took on both, but I’ve finally gotten to a healthy point in my life where I can safely talk about disagreements with most people and communicate effectively without blowing up or running away or trying to stonewall my emotions.
Thank you for making all of these. You are assuring my inner child AND young adult there are descriptions behind how I was raised, and it seriously helps me asses and realize my current behaviors due to this.
I stuggle so much with setting boundaries and being rightfully angry at anyone. No matter if I did something wrong or it was someone else's fault for overstepping, I'll do what I learned at home: crawl back like a dog and showering them in nice words and gestures. Until my mom decided I'd "learned my lesson" I was practically invisible outside of things she had to help me with as a kid. Like a mighty android in the house that will bring back the "error" I made time and time again to push me away until I had proven myself guilty enough to deserve emotional warmth. I understand that she didn't do it on purpose, it was part of her own trauma growing up and nothing she intentionally did to hurt me. But it still did
Since I was a kid my father every time he upsets he gave us a silent treatment, he thought it was better than yelling/spanking. Also my mother are the opposite, she'll yelling and always talked about that issue for a long time (ex: I won't use the dress she bought, she'll yelling at me with harsh words why I didn't do the order, then I gave up and I'll do what she wants, but the next morning or 3 month or after a few years suddenly bringing about that topic (in a bad way)). The things is both of them wont listen or gave us a chance to argue/have opinion, even after we become an adult
I’m currently healing myself from my relationship with my avoidant partner. I have a 3 year old autistic toddler who’s still learning to regulate. I catch his blow outs even before they emerge. Attentive. When he loses control I get down at his level and mirror confidence and calm. And when hes hurt validate him with lots of affection and reassurance. I want him to master self regulation so nothing external has power over him. Connecting to his emotions instead of dismissing them is crucial for development into his school years/adult life. God give me strength and awareness.
It feels like this big conspiracy. People know it's ok to be mean to me. NO one ever steps in or mentions the harshness of the treatment. The nice behavior and manners are for the others who deserve it. Real caring is not for us.
Woooow this made me understand my husband....and his family......thats really wierd. I never get away with bad behavior and I always get Credit for good behavior at my dads house. I never understand parents that dont talk to their children about anything. I rather have my dad cussin me out and make me apologize than him satin Northin.....thank U❤
My ex is very avoidant and I’m very anxious and that was literally the best and the worst relationship I’ve ever been in anxious avoidant relationships can be very good but can also be very toxic depending on each person’s understanding of their attachment styles I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with another anxious person same with 2 avoidants together it sounds horrible
I've seen people who have grown up in homes like this and because they are afraid of confrontation, they have unfortunately become victims of abuse. It's why I always try to make sure my partner is comfortable and I try to make the difficult conversations easier to have.