Yes! I have a 4 year old and 2 year old and it's so sad that people don't see children as humans with feelings. I look at their little faces and eyes and can just see how much they want to express and relate to us parents or other adults.
Fr this looks so obvious and still so many people forget about it. They would never yell to an adult but they totally do it with kids. They're power tripping now that they're the ones with "authority"
I find it extremely important to apologize to my kids. When I’m in the wrong I’m in the wrong. I was raised with parents who do not ever apologize and I once said it to my mother and she dismissed my feelings by ridicule it.
My Dad is like that with me especially, he never takes accountability when he is in the wrong and always finds a way to shift all the blame onto me. He never listens to my side of the story and the only thing that's important to him is his voice being heard and his feelings. I have finally decided that having a close and healthy relationship with him is not possible and he will likely never change. Like she said, a healthy relationship has respect and there is a clear lack of respect towards me from my Dad...Then he wonders why he has the issues he does with me.
I remember like yesterday having this conversation with my Mom as an 8yo and she told me, to the face, with the meanest confidence I’ve ever encountered: “I will NEVER apologise. Be grateful that you eat and sleep and don’t expect anything more”. I have grieved this woman everyday of my adult Life and she is alive.
That’s so tough. I’m really sorry that your mom acted that way, and I’m especially sorry that she acted that way when you were 8. Nobody deserves that.
this is horrible I am sorry for that , but I can see why some one will act like your parent did if they were raised poor and their parents weren't even providing them with basic necessities they may turn on to be very materialistic
Make sure not to take it to the other extreme where you're apologizing for everything. Be mindful of your position and your kid's reactions. Apologizing for everything can turn you into a door mat. Like trying to apologize for situations that are not your doing. For example, I'm sorry it's raining. If you can't control the situation don't apologize for it. Or apologizing for having to tell you're kids no. I'm sorry we can't go right now. Instead give a reason and drop the apology. We can't go now, because I have work to do, but we can plan for this Saturday instead. Give an alternative thing to do instead of apologizing.
Same with my own mother. She absolutely denies saying or doing much of it. I believe that she really doesn't remember because she wasn't thinking but acting out of anger...and the memory is far less prominent when you weren't the person who was hurt. It's great to hear that you're breaking this cycle, I would make an effort to, myself, if I had children.
My parents taught me at an early age it's ok for adults to admit they're wrong to children. I once explained to a crying toddler after I messed up on something that resulted in her getting confused (I mixed up her snacktime plate with another kid's snacktime plate, so I had to stop her from eating off the wrong plate) that I was the one who made the mistake, not her, and she instantly stopped crying.
That’s strange but kids don’t know wtf is going on. That kid just thought you gave her snacks away. That would trip me out too. What is this lady DOING?!? 😂
That's fantastic your parents taught you that!! My mother was "never wrong" so she had no reason to apologize...in her mind. I apologized to my daughter; I wasn't and am not perfect. Kids need to see that being an adult doesn't mean you're perfect, just human like them ❤
@@FloydFloyd-ot5eo Kids know what the hell is going on around them even if they don't have words to express it. Stop acting like they are mindless meat blobs because they can't give a TedTalk
When I was younger both my parents and my older sibling never apologized when I try to express how their actions made me feel. They would get defensive and deflected it back at me saying I was over sensitive. I recently became aware that I had a history of seeking toxic relationships and friendships or I'd sabotage healthy relationships to mirror that same toxic dynamic
Yes?! Why!!! I actually used to BE that older sibling (because one of my parents were/are like that with me), and then I came across gentle parenting….totally changed my relationship with my younger siblings…but not with my parent & not with myself (I extend grace, humility, etc. towards my hubby, my siblings, etc., but not myself…does that make sense? And regarding the “it didn’t change anything with my parent”, that’s because I’ll occasionally share something that’s low key enough for me to feel safe sharing, but straightforward enough for them to understand the point and…usually get defensive about it & drop it. 🤦♀️🥺)…I hope your family has grown!! ❤❤❤
@@JoyfilliedYes. What you are saying makes total sense. It's damaging enough when others criticize us for feeling hurt due to their toxic dysfunctional behavior, but when we naively internalize that message and learn to criticize ourselves, it's next level f*ckedupness. Be kind to your inner child, and learn to create healthy boundaries. It sounds like you have already!
Exactly…and it’s generational, too (maybe mine isn’t, but who knows). I never actually said I internalized any messages, but it’s true…and now it’s my inner voice. I’m hyper aware of a lot of things, but I either don’t know how to grow from it (in terms of treating myself consistently better, setting boundaries with everyone, etc.), or I do, but I still don’t…like I intellectually understand, but not in a way I can practically implement it. Does that make sense? And I just triggered myself a couple days ago & have been making “aha!” connections since then…like how sometimes something as simple as a headache or a nap can be mental health/trauma related, or how something I thought I finally felt okay with hit me like a ton of bricks, etc…or how me not really acknowledging my inner child (because it’s such a foreign concept and sounds utterly strange) tends to let oooold memories fester in the body & mind…so…I haven’t really learned boundaries (especially with the people I need to set them with most) or consistent kindness towards myself (mentally/emotionally or physically), but…I’m slowly recognizing that I somehow grew through all the knowledge I acquired (which is exactly why I’m interested in this sort of thing - to be a secure/safe wife & mom for my family, as well as daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend, etc. & to help anyone who needs it)…❤ Anyways…thank you for the encouragement & validation (without leaning into pity party - we need to grow, not remain stagnant in this mire & muck)! ❤
@brendamyc3173 Perhaps, or they're not secure enough in themselves to extend authentic apologies. They're in defensive/defiant mode. People who have a healthy view of themselves as being inherently worthy acknowledge their imperfections and strive to grow, and they like themselves. They don't need to put up a false front of perfection (or whatever their false front is about) and are secure enough to readily offer sincere apologies. They know that apologizing doesn't rob them of their inherent personal worth or make them weak.
From personal experience, the lack of desire to apologize and getting defensive instead is as a result of growing up being put down and shamed for every little thing, so when someone genuinely wants you to take accountability it feels exactly the same as an attack. Basically, because they were shamed and belittled and ridiculed for every little thing they did, the struggle to take accountability partially due to the fact that they can't tell the difference between a small genuine mistake that's easy to brush off and things that genuinely need an apology, so they freak out when you genuinely need an apology from them because in their minds they subconsciously see it the same as their parents screaming at them for spilling their drink when there were three. When this goes untreated, it leads to narcissism
Hey, i agree with this too. Been there. Abusive relationships can do it too.... Started with my Dad being like this and extended to a bf being like this to me, but FAR worse than my dad, for 6 years. I was in a total warzone. Constantly being yelled at, names, it got physical. Thats why i try to be a lot more forgiving and try not to micro manage the littles - even though the reason being is, i want whats best for them and i want them to be successful . You really hit the nail on the head here! Its definitely worth a highlight on the subject. Because, its true - not everyone who fears "accountability" is a monster. Often times, these people are victims of abuse and abandonment themselves, or were raised by perfectionists or were taught its weak to be wrong, or faced wrongful or extreme court convictions, strict cultural / religious expectations, etc. Its hard to "be wrong" when you were taught that being less than perfect meant you didnt deserve to be loved, and that any mistakes you made were a good reason to abandon you (and the kids). Or that you making a mistake meant that whatever someone else did in retaliation was also your fault. Its genuinely interesting though, how we react to each others bs and one thing leads to the next, huh? 😊
I just had another thought... Having people in your life who NEVER let shit go either. They just never really forgive you, and remind you later on repeatedly, so you are so afraid to do anything wrong because it will be held over your head and chizeled on your tombstone when you die. "Yeah, you spilled that milk when you were 3 and i had to clean it up, and then i was running late and missed mailing out that bill at the post office. We got a late fine. Most expensive milk on earth. Ha ha ha." And youve heard this story for 35 years. 😅
My mother hurt me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. She never apologized once for any hurtful thing that she did to me. At 12 years old, I cried and asked her if she even loved me. Her response was filled with hatred and sarcasm. She ridiculed me for being hurt. I am 55 now. I can still remember that moment as if it was yesterday. It burned into my soul.
I had that with my dad. I'm 54. I so understand the hurt, betrayal, fear, confusion, loneliness you felt and not just by your mom. I think back to my little self and ask where were all the adults? No one stopped him. No one protected me (or my mom). We were all damaged and through therapy I really hope I'm healing generations of harm and pain. Sending hugs.
I empathize deeply. It seems the controlling bully types don’t like to admit they were wrong or apologize. It’s so hard to come to grips with what happened to my little innocent self and how it has affected my body and soul years later. But I know healing is possible, for all of us. 🙏🏼
The mother in this video is my mother. The man she is married to is not abusive, but she runs over him frequently and I watch him cringe or just emotionally retreat. It makes me sad for both of them. I never want to be that way again. I was. I was the punching bag and took it out on someone else. So much conscientiousness on my part to change that. So much more work to do.
Same, I thought movies lied about kids with abusive parents becoming abusers because more than anything I wanted to be better than my mom and I was determined to be a good parent when I grew up. I still very much want that, but I didn't realise how hard it would be. My subconscious default is to act like her, and I'll probably spend the next few decades fighting it until I get used to healthier relationships
My wife is very much like this. When we have a disagreement on something, she is right, she knows she's right, and if I'm trying to say anything else she'll just have to raise her voice at me to prove she's right. When I try to tell her how I feel about being yelled at I'm shut down and talked over and told I should know by now she doesn't mean it and doesn't even realize she does it, when I stay silent because I know she'll just use what I say against me or cut me off she feels abused, and when I can't keep something down and start screaming at her to get my point across over her yelling at me she turns on victim mode and starts crying demanding apologies and reasons why I'm in the state I'm in and not accepting any answers other than what she wants to hear. Which in nearly every case is for me to admit I'm an abusive asshole. She tells me she's dated nothing but abusers in the past, her entire family save a few sisters is nothing but abusers, and she thought I was different because I use to show patience and empathy when dealing with her, how I currently treat her outside of the screaming matches, and how even when I'm mad at her I try to help her out and do things for her she can't do herself. But she constantly asks why out of everyone I know and the past relationships I've had am I only like I am to her.
I'd have gotten knocked out half way through that speech. Girl out here saying what truly needs to be said. Major props. Thank you so much for this. I know it's healing to a lot of people to hear this.
@@Ark-ys2up this can go in 2 directions, overcorrect or deny and repeat. You chose 1, he chose the other. Healthy is in the middle - don't apologize when it has Nothing to do with you, but be fully responsible when it does.
People who do not apologize nor respect others feelings will rarely change...the message from your video that strikes me, is for us, that do want to be accountable for our actions, understand there are people out that will never change and it's not us who are the problem...we need to quickly identify who those people are as the child did in the video and let it go, they are the problem.
SO true, I was able to repair a relationship with someone like this not because I changed them, but because I set helpful boundaries (which took a lot of time and practice) to preserve my own well being and the connection between us.
@@Jeannek4493 I'm battling letting go of my parents, because I can't see the point of maintaining such a relationship (if all it ever does is to remind me of my shitty childhood and tacitly reinforce my maladaptive patterns). Please advice. I'm 33 and I guess my parents will have another 10-20 years left to live.
@@TheDavveponken I'm in the same boat as an older Millenial with abusive parents in their 70s and 80s. Not sure how many years either of them have left, and I really want to do right by my son. I went through so much hell during the pandemic that I literally needed to get away from everyone I knew and started talking to mental health professionals. I've been getting treatment for my mental health issues for the last two years and I don't want my son to grow up hating me or us being estranged due to the effects of my lifelong trauma & mental illness.
These videos..."here's what I'm learning..." We see our parents, we see ourselves as the kids and we're figuring all this out a lot later than we thought we would. You're doing God's work, know that.
This hit home so hard and I have family STILL like this and I’m way too old for it, it’s resulted in me excessively apologizing for any and everything. Don’t be your kid’s first bully.
"Don't be your kids first bully" You put that perfectly; thanks so much! That is exactly what abusive parents are. You just blew my mind! We don't usually love our bullies!
I had this exact conversation with my mom yesterday. She did not take it well. At first she gave reasons for her behavior rather than acknowledging my feelings, then she denied that the things I said ever happened, then she went into victim mode and started talking about her death.
When I was 35+ I decided to talk to my mother and share with her my feelings memories as I child how it was to live with an alcoholic father. It is a trauma for me I had a lot of feelings of shame anger loneliness insecurity etc. Her first reaction was: oh and how my life and childhood was difficult. Again I felt like I was invisible and my feealings and my reality not valid..
I had a partner who could never ever apologise to me even when he had let me down and he was well aware he had. It’s as if he’d rather have died than utter the word “sorry” that’s how incapable he was of any kind of apology. It eroded any intimacy and trust in him as let’s face it, we all mess up but being able to healthily repair through a sincere apology makes such a big difference. At least to me it does. I also feel a responsibility to express my sorrow to the other person, no matter how much discomfort that might cause me if I have messed up and inadvertently caused hurt.
I barely apologize because somehow I feel incredibly insincere when doing so, and how will it fix anything if I just say sorry? I've learnt to say it more through constant work but I feel like my face contorts into a weird crooked smile when I do it that people might identify as a smirk and think I'm not sincere. Or when I say it quietly, I feel like I'm not apologizing enough. Also, I feel like I shouldn't express my own sorrow and sadness over my mistakes as it almost makes me look like the victim... I'm so confused as to how to actually apologize and not just jump into trying to offer to correct my mistake. Because that has never been enough
@@atriyakoller136I had the same problem as well, of thinking that apologizing just isn't useful. In my case, it could depend on the fact that my parents didn't value it at all when I was little ("I don't need your apology", "it changes nothing if you apology or not", "you shouldn't have made that mistake in the first place, why apology now!"), even though I meant it as a sincere aknowledgment of my wrongdoings. Growing up I realized that people generally DO value an heartfelt apology, and now I try my best to give it when it is due. Both just apologizing and just trying to make up for your mistakes are not enough on their own (or at least, not in every situation and for every person), I think we should all strive to do both🤍
I don't understand how people don't think apology is useful. I can't resolve the problem until the problem is acknowledged. It could all be resolved and forgotten about in two minutes, instead of mulling in my mind for days and days causing a ripple effect, going to therapy, etc. It's the same idea as arguing for a week who will take the trash out instead of just taking it out, which takes two minutes. I'm a fixer, so not apologizing drives me insane. It could be so easily fixed so quickly.
I'm 34 and my mother has never apologized. As a matter of fact, just a week ago I was hospitalized for a combination of physical and mental health issues, and within 24 hours of being released I was blamed for my own abusive childhood. I was literally gaslight by my drunk narcissistic mother at 11am, told that I should have known better AS A CHILD and that she warned me (she NEVER once did) about mental illness and addiction. I had to teach myself everything, discover that I have unfathomably maladaptive coping mechanisms and a host of trauma, parent her in the delusional attempt of maintaining some semblance of peace within the home, all while trying to survive through adolescence and life in general. Thank you for giving people like us a voice, and providing awareness.
I so want to send this to all my relatives especially the older generation. But I've already given up on them. They will continue on believing as they do and never change.
I am so glad my dad is such a good father. Whenever he does something that upsets me he apologizes and gives me the time and space I need in order to deal with it. I remember one time he was trying to get me to park in a really crowded parking lot and I was having a hard time and he got frustrated and started yelling at me. I started crying and he immediately apologized and we stayed in the car for a few more minutes until I was okay and then we went into the restaurant and he still made it a point to make sure I was okay. THAT is how you resolve a conflict with your child. Not by telling them to get over it, not by ignoring the problem, not by blaming them, but by listening, apologizing, and giving your kid what they need.
How can you be so spot on? I always had to beg my mom, say sorry, and take the blame for her own dismissive behavior. Just to have her talk to me again.
If you can’t apologize about something it’s because there’s something deep down you’re ashamed about in yourself, even if you don’t realize it. You need to give yourself more self love and compassion to soothe yourself to break the cycle of shame.
Could also be because apologizing gives others an excuse to twist the knife. Spill water, clean it up, never speak of it- now it's fixed and it's over Spill water, say sorry, now everyone's going to start yelling about it and having a discussion about why you're so disrespectful and careless, which will take longer than mopping up the water, which you can't do until the yelling is done
Accountability, validation, empathy, letting a child know that even parents make mistakes and can grow from those mistakes are all vital elements in raising good human beings! Wonderfully validating video and the comment section makes me feel sad that this is so common, but less alone in my personal experiences at the same time.
So true! My mother never apologised and invalidated me and my feelings when I was growing up. So I try to always apologise to my daughter when i realize I hurt her or that I did something wrong. I always empathise and validate her feelings. That is so important. Unfortunately many parents don’t have enough self-awareness and empathy.. vídeos like that are amazing!!! Great job!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
It also teaches fearful avoidants that its normal for people to destroy relationships with you/no accountability, chuck it and keep moving along because everyone is 5 years old/personality disordered/destructive. You must be the responsible one/held to a higher standard and you don't deserve intimacy with another human being because it doesn't exist. Great stuff. 😂
OH MAN, did you ever just call out my mother in this video, my father, and well of course my brother. Whereas if I walk into a door, I apologize. Guess who is the punching bag in the family?...
Come to think of it I can't remember a single time my parents apologized to me. And they're really good people who love me! There have been times I've wanted an apology but I've never asked for one because I know it'll make them defensive. Maybe they can't admit they made a mistake? I experience guilt for every little thing I do and I apologize probably every day. I even apologize for being upset to the people who hurt me in the first place. I think I need to learn to apologize less and my parents need to apologize more 😅
Thank you so much for this. Both of my parents are the dismissive mom. And now that I'm an adult and they've pretty much driven everybody else away with that behavior, they're left with each other...and they're just mean to each other back and forth. Neither ever apologizes to the other, it's just argument after accusation after argument.
I try to talk to my mom about this when she starts tearing into everyone. The only difference is she was always the abuser and everyone feared her, even my grandparents would be too afraid to set boundaries with her. But regardless she uses the same tactics here to deflect and it can be really difficult to live cooperatively without having to make "deals" with her (I think she thinks thats the only way to get people to spend time with her). Everyone has shortcomings and we work on them, but some people will go to drastic and destructive lengths to hide their true flaws so as to pretend they don't exist, even at the cost of their own children, even grandchildren.
I grew up in a chaotic family, I used to find it hard to apologize or say sorry or when i do ,it did not feel natural, like an apology for the sake of courtesy and the idea of apologising for wrongs or errors felt like I am going to lose a piece of myself or I'd become less of me.. red flag myself 😪
That is one wise child right there! Apologizing and admitting you are wrong is one of the signs of emotional maturity, and it's an important step to becoming self-aware.
This REALLY resonated with me. thank you so much! 🙏❤️ I often wondered why my mother NEVER apologized, no matter how hurtful or abusive she was. It was always us kids responsibility to apologize to her (even if we did nothing wrong) when HER emotions got disregulated! Her catchphrase was "Oh right, everyone always blames the mother" 🙄 Total lack of accountability....
THANK YOU @the holistic psychologist !!!! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 THANK YOU so very much for putting together this video… THANK YOU for shining a light on this very real yet seldom discussed or even acknowledged relationship dynamic/situation. THANK YOU for showing the inner workings, the reasons behind why it occurs, the patterns it possesses and the painful repercussions and emotions that so many souls endure because of this. Those of Us who are here on Earth breaking generational patterns and traumas…. Those of Us who are standing up & speaking up about every facet of the painful dynamics which at times, seem to be immovable and set in stone…. This comment is for YOU/US!! WE are the IMMOVABLE force! 🤚🏽 We are STRONG! 💎 We are LOVED! 🤍 We are IMPORTANT! 🫵🏽 We are HEARD! 🗣️ We are VALIDATED! 🤌🏽 We are NOT ALONE!! 🌏 & most importantly, WE GOT THIS!! 💪🏽❤️🔥🪷🕊️🧘🏽♀️🎊🦋
My mother has only genuinely apologized to me once in my entire life. She’d screamed at the top of her lungs at me and my only response was to quietly tell her I wasn’t going to talk to her until she calmed down. She kept screaming and screaming and I just didn’t respond. That’s the only time she apologized to me, and i don’t think it was because she actually felt bad about it (she did it again the next day), but because she realized she looked silly screaming at me while I just sat there and looked at her. Every other time she’s “apologized” to me, she would say something like “look I’m sorry I hurt your feelings but you ___” and would be condescending about it. And now she wonders why I don’t want to be around her anymore.
This hit home. Not because I don't apologize but because I OVER apologize while my partner rarely takes accountability for any of his actions, let alone apologize. Even when it's something that he clearly would be upset and hurt about if I did it to him.
A sincere apology needs to be said ONCE. If the person accepts then great, if not then their judgment of you is on them. Next time, try apologizing only ONCE and you will see the responsibility to do the right thing shifts from you to them now. Will they accept, forgive and forget?…or will they hold on to the judgment? Most people prefer to hold it against you because they get a high off being right and you being wrong. Either way it’s not your problem anymore, it’s theirs.
i had a 'friend' who i always argued with, she was so over-sensitive and would blame me for everything. she looked down on me. I always ended up being the one who had to apologise even if i did nothing wrong. and now she ghosted me. she acted so annoying.
Gave my parents many chancea to be accountable. Got abused for asking for it. No more. They can miss me on their death beds, and I won't even know they died to bother with their funerals.
Hits too close to home. This was the example that was set for me by my family. To this day, my mother blames everyone for her mistakes instead of admitting she was wrong.
I apologize to my kids. When my oldest two grew up, they forgot I even apologized for anything. I also taught them to apologize and they struggle with apologizing. There are more reasons why people don't apologize besides narcissism. Some people just don't know how, or it makes them feel mushy, or they apologize without words. How would you apologize if you could not speak?
I think it’s best/most realistic to learn not to expect apologies (or anything) from people. You can’t force apologies, you can’t force kindness, you can’t force respect. We will do better if we accept these things and lose expectations.
it's only fair if it goes both ways. so if the kid shouldn't expect the parent to apologize, then the parent shouldn't expect the kid to apologize either. that's what the daughter said she was learning in the video, to be inconsiderate. cos really all it takes is a bit of consideration to realize yourself what you may have done wrong, but these kinds of parents are too lazy or impatient to consider their own actions and teach their kids right by example, with an apology.
I don't agree at all, I think respect, and accountability if they did something wrong is the bare minimum. And I'm very happy I have like 5 best friends around that I share values with. Expect better, choose better, live better 🙏🏼
Growing up my mom could never admit she was wrong, but there was a span of time (maybe a year) when I was a tween that she suddenly decided to apologize for yelling after we got in fights. Idk what changed but she eventually got tired of it and switched back to me being the only one who ever apologized. Yet, that time of my life was so healing for me that I remember it to this day. Just by occasionally admitting that she had done something wrong by hurting my feelings made me feel like I mattered and didn’t deserve to be brushed aside. Even when it stopped I always remembered it. I was human. I mattered. My feelings mattered. If only for a brief time.
So true, and so tough to implement for those of us who were raised to believe abuse was normal. Tough, but not impossible. Definitely doable. Thanks for sharing this video ❤
My dad made comments about my weight when I was around 10. I was a little chubby and hadn’t hit puberty yet. He hurt my feelings and when I went to him letting him know that what he said hurt me, he laughed and shook his head. I said “you don’t believe me?” And he said, “I believe that’s what YOU THINK happened.” Completely invalidated me, didn’t apologize. Still think about that instance to this day. He hasn’t changed either.
Sounds like my dad. It would either have been that, or my dad looking completely disgusted and yelling “oh, shut up, just go away, I’m not listening to your crap” or something similar. My dad does a lot better since I moved out and he started taking antidepressants. But I also only see him a handful of times a year, even though we live in the same city… so that should tell you something lol. I’m sorry your dad sucks too.
@@elleumm same, I only see my dad a handful of times a year, but even then it’s hard for me to be around him for long periods of time. Thing is, my dad needs therapy (he was abused as a kid) and probably some sort of medication as well, but since he thinks he’s perfect, he will never see a need for therapy. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never get an apology from him for any of the shit he said or did, but I have forgiven him anyways. Forgiving is already hard, but forgiving without an apology is even harder. Thank you for the kind words! I’m sorry your dad isn’t the best either ❤️
Feelings and emotional accountability were never mentioned within my family. It has strained my friendships and relationships and is likely the reason why I've never wanted kids of my own, because I know I'm not equipped to have good emotional connection with them. I'd rather take this emotionless curse to my grave than to possibly pass it on and bear the burden of being a bad parent.
something my mother and I have discussed is how apologizing doesn't mean you lose, and it's okay to apologize to your kids and explain why you were wrong. It doesn't give up your authority as the parent, it helps your kids to trust you. The time when unquestioning obedience was needed was when it was a lot more likely your kid would die if they didn't listen to you. There is a time when it's appropriate to not explain yourself, ie when there is a dangerous or potentially dangerous situation.
Thank you for existing. Thank you for all the healing content shared. I came across your videos yesterday and several of your videos hit me like a ton of bricks. You've put words to stuff I've felt, been dealing with, ways I've been acting... Now I can carry on healing myself and my daughter. Thank you with all my heart❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I grew up with parents that didn't apologize and that's why I apologize for everything even when I shouldn't. One of those people that randomly says, "I'm sorry" and people are looking at me confused because I didn't do anything wrong.
I wish it was that simple but within one sentance i get talked over without a chance too explain, i find myself begging too be heard only for my parents too start getting aggressive, insulting and threatening too either fight ne or kick me out. Sitting down and explaining ends up in my life being threatened so i find it easier too repress my emotions, avoid and people please to avoid any conflict. I wish it was as easy as this video but in my circumstance it's not and has bever been for as long as i can renember.
@@Ronnietheboypickering volunteering, places that attract people that have open hearts, therapy support groups, even Reddit mental health groups online. You seem very self aware- never change that about yourself….you may struggle with your mental health because of how we were raised but it’s not your fault. ❤️
Thanks for sharing again. I think you’re really cool for making these. I think it’s a curious task trying reevaluate your values and put them into practice when your whole life you operate like the mom portrayed in the skit. Also depressing when you realize many other moms have been like this with your friends and that’s why you connect. Hard to sharpen each others swords when your in such fear, even if not aware of it. But we get better 😊
“How do you think I’ll learn to be accountable for how I impact the people closest to me ?”😮 This explains why I can be so oblivious to how my behavior impacts others just as much as it impacts me! So much defensiveness comes up when I’m around my family. It’s like we don’t want to seem “soft” for being empathetic to how we experience each other, even though we spend a lot of time in each other’s presence. We’re afraid of being accountable for how we make each other feel❤
As a child, my parents talked to us like we were animals; like we had no feelings. After I became a parent, I was determined to not make my children feel like I had growing up. My mother still refuses to apologize to this day. Now I call her out on it; making her feel as uncomfortable as possible.
I never got an apology growing up but I have had to apologize to my children and spouse several times. I refuse to not acknowledge that I’m wrong because I seek to get better. I don’t know WHY or who told parents that they’re not supposed to apologize to their children 🤷🏾♀️
I don’t really like when other people apologize to me because it’s usually cheep words with no follow up, designed to make the issue go away. I get that the words are important; especially with children. But, words without action is just an endless cycle.
My own ex wife explained to our therapist that she knew she should be apologizing after she did certain things and just refused. When asked by our therapist, she could never explain why she didn't want to apologize.
@Ark-ys2up We were married for 8 years. Her home life was seemingly normal had although divorced parents and I'm not sure what the messaging was. Didn't seem like these were the issues. I have no issues apologizing so it wasn't from that standpoint. She was a poor communicator all around so unfortunately I alwsys felt in the dark.
@@24what24 I'm so sorry you went through that :-( I have experience both sides in this particular kind of situation, and it's really really hard. If it's any Assurance at all, someone who behaves the way she does, there's no genuine sense of malice, but rather, someone who doesn't want to apologize like we was traumatized by home life. Most often, some of the most partially adjusted people, AKA people that seemed normal until you get to fully know them, are the exact same people whose families are the exact same way, that on the outside seemed healthy and normal, but there's a lot of things that you don't know about unless you had grown up in their household. I've had to learn myself and overcome this myself, for a long time I didn't know why I didn't like apologizing, it just, it hurt. I would always hear some disembodied voice assuring me that I was in fact someone who should be sorry, and so the truly, I am covered this and realized that I didn't like apologizing because I felt like I was giving into abuse whenever I apologize for something. I feel like I was fully admitting that I was the bad guy, I was evil and I should be ashamed of myself, which again, is rooted in times when someone in their formative years, most damaging Lee when it's either in adolescence or early childhood, for me it was early adolescence, that when you made a small mistake, you heard a big mouthful about it like you just did something that risked someone's life but really all you did was say, accidentally miscalculated where your elbow was and knocked over a glass. It does happen consistently enough, this Train's your brain that apologies are the means of manipulating you to see yourself in a bad way, and then this creates people that, once they go into the real world, don't want to apologize. In short, your experience is very valid and no you shouldn't live with someone like that, but I hope it helps to understand at least where she's coming from. She had a painful childhood and sometimes the most painful childhood they're the ones that no one sees. I also had divorced parents but not so violent kind, I look like I had a fairly happy healthy childhood from the outside but I came to realize that I was left with some attachment issues as well as some borderline personality disorder which I thankfully discovered pretty early on, so I've been able to for the most part overcome it. I'm still always learning and growing, and discovering where more and more of my triggers are and realizing about their triggers and not normal responses Basically, it's likely that your wife didn't know why she didn't like to apologize, because I'm in Italy, most people with mental health issues don't like admitting the source of their issues, because by biological standards, these aren't issues even if they're overtly bad behaviors. What this means is, their brain was wired to handle situations that aren't healthy, and usually the person isn't cognitive of this fact. In essence, her not recognizing it immediately or knowing why is a completely normal biological response, but it's her job to try to get past that biological urge to not unravel the intricate web that her limbic system has woven for her in order to maneuver the environment of abusive family members. She just knows that something feels intricately painful about apologizing, but it's completely on her and on her only the fact that she's not willing to figure out why it hurts to say sorry. In other words, her unwillingness to apologize is simply because it's a trauma response, but that doesn't mean you should tolerate it.
This is so on point. My parents did not apologize, say please and thank you, or I love you.They were passive with discipline and did not talk 1:1. They did not use words of affirmation. At my age now (early Boomer), I feel like I have found my inner child. She was incredibly cheated; I can help her to heal.
I appreciate how you show the mom refusing to listen when you make it clear that the child is right. The parent may never get it, but that does not negate the point that the child makes ❤
This hits home. The issue I have, however, is what do you do when people demand apologies and “accountability” for your non-neurotypical behaviors? It’s just recreating the abusive patterns I grew up with. Other people are not just NPCs who are able to effortlessly behave in the ways that best suits your needs. So much of this seems to be about cutting anyone with challenges out of your life. Truly sucks to be on the other end of that.
I'm not neurotypical, but I get a similar impression from some of these videos, including this one. People are not perfect, and they will not always act in ways that validate you or your feelings.
You captured my childhood and the mother I sometimes was. I did apologize to my children, sometimes too much! I loved the line about her dad giving her the belt if she had talked like this to her dad. So true and so sad.
While I understand the importance of the truths mentioned here, I would like to point out that there are also people who abuse your apology by manipulating you and your feelings. The real world isn't as nice as we are. Be on guard.
I know a few people like this. They insult you, find out they're wrong, but won't apologize. I practiced apologizing because my parents don't bother doing it. I did it as a game with my nephews until it became an easy thing to do. I don't apologize for everything, however. If I intentionally tell someone something to piss them off, I don't apologize.
My kids are treated like they are kids, but I respect them like I would any adult. And I show them how to learn from being wrong and apologize, and mean it.
I find it very difficult to apologize to others or admit I'm in the wrong because I never heard it growing up. If my sibling and I became frightened of our father's screaming, he would go on a tirade about how we, as young children, were trying to make him out to be the 'bad guy'.
After a lot of times of my needs and my siblings' needs being completely ignored, I've learned that some people can't apologize because they're too broken to admit they're wrong. They feel so faulty that they just can't face anymore the fact that they make mistakes... For them, mistakes are just another proof of their defectiveness. They can't accept the fact that they're just vulnerable humans. And, ironically, they become weaker and weaker...
My dad lived to be 87 yrs. old. Not once did he ever apologize to anyone, especially me or my brother. I became a profound people pleaser and had to learn how that was not what to do either. I'm nearly 70 now. I'm still not sure how to be around people.
This video is like an education, thank you for making this! When I'm wrong, I'm wrong and I own it. And I try to learn and grow from the experience. However I've noticed since speaking up on racism and some of my other experiences, some people from my school throughout the years did not want to listen to perspectives outside their own (even though on the surface they claim different). And did more to try to shut down and avoid then listen. In these instances. I don't look for apologies at all. People have mistaked my kindness for weakness my whole life and I found standing up took some people off guard. I don't care how old someone is off record, I've apologized to kids before. Because if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.
I had to do a lot of personal growth with family trauma. But my sibling has zero accountability and never apologizes and acts as though nothing happened after one of their routine bridge burning blow outs. To the point there is no talking to them they just leave mid conversation. They only want you to forget. Which is how our parents worked. So this really hit home, but unfortunately, people like my sibling will never use this information to better themselves.
I always felt it was interesting how people use "you can't blame your parents for everything" as a means to avoid responsibility for the issues their children have navigating life as they get older. And while not everything is the fault of the parent, much of the quality of a child's formative years (the years most influential to our social, emotional, behavioral, and physical faculties) are determined by the actions of their parent.
I can't even tell you how good these skits are, they're so accurate and really shed light on a lot of issues. I'm nearly 40 now and am really figuring out some major issues in my childhood family dynamic, which definitely seems related to the way one of my parents was raised. I was in tears at the end of this, it's so nice to see someone understand all this and put it in a way that's easy to understand.
I for one do not like when people “apologize “ or say “sorry” I much rather someone tell me they “won’t do something again “and tell me how they’ll “make it better/fix it” than to hear someone say they’re “sorry” or that they “apologize ”-- People have said “sorry” or that they “apologize” -only for them to do the same offense over and over-at least when they tell me WITH THEIR WORDS they “won’t do something again” or they tell me THAT they’ll “fix it” -I can hold them to their WORD- if someone breaks my plate- I don’t want them to say “sorry “- sorries don’t fix things -I rather hear them VOW they won’t do it again AND. See them to fix it and- vice versa I would rather fix how I hurt someone rather than to say words that mean nothing . I hold myself to that same standard That to me is true integrity , not empty words that don’t hold anyone to any plan of action or solution .. I’ve learned to not say empty words and to speak as meaningfully as I can. I’m my opinion-“Sorries/apologies “-don’t fix anything in the long run but actions do
This was great. It summarised how my parents were to me when I was little. And also a lot of other toxic persons in my life. I could never describe what was wrong, so they could understand it. This helps a lot. Thanks. I love your channel.
For real this is one of the best channels on RU-vid. It hurts to watch, but in the way that makes me feel better afterward and validated. It brings up some of the subjects that certain sources do that end in blaming parents, but also shows much more empathy for both sides. The depictions of both parents and children are really a step forward in the right direction from my view. Thank you
