How Do We Stop Blaming Each Other in Our Marriage? 

He’s an Asian man and she’s a Jewish white woman: enough said! 😂. People want to act like we’re all “the same,” but different cultures/families operate differently. I hope she can reign things in so she doesn’t torture this patient and wonderful man.

Dr. Phil used to say this: "Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?"

My ex was so defensive nothing was ever allowed to be discussed let alone solved.

Where can I find a relationship therapist like John Deloney??? I need someone to tell me straight and be helpful like him and be understanding all at the same time

BIG PLUS that she sees what really is going on and wants to get to the bottom of it. Her man seems like a unicorn that doesn't exist. I see them having a great relationship for many many years. Don't mess this up!!!

I’m a lot like the callers husband ignoring the “little things” my spouse did, but when he would have issues with me I had to train myself that was not the time to air my grievances. I’ve learned to speak up on some of the “little things” as a result he doesn’t complain as much

As a man in a 6 year marriage, I've learned I can't always sweep the little things I dislike about my wife's behavior under the rug. I attempt to do so to keep the peace but my wife frequently overreacts to small things which drives me insane since I'm very cognizant that I don't make an issue about her small things. This in turn creates a bigger fight as I may now overreact to her initial overreaction.

I'm single but can't stop arguing with my wife. Help.

One must become humble to have peace little cricket

Please talk about cultural differences and traditions , and how something’s have to be changed or can be toxic

She mentioned something that got overlooked. She says she’s in debt and financially struggling, yet she’s calling over dirty cups, etc. Either her priorities are mixed up, or she’s projecting her stress on her husband. Some people do this and it gets interpreted the wrong way.

Kudos for calling, it’s hard to admit you might be the toxica 😅😅

Some people with OCD have similar traits where they get ticked off if the cup is not in its place, checking plugs to make sure it’s been unplugged etc.. I am not diagnosing but simply putting out traits that can have relation to the behavior exhibited. Anna just relax is he a good men? Does he work hard? Looks like he is just focus on the positives life is too short to drag someone through hell for leaving a cup or towel out. As a woman you probably strive to keep the house clean and neat but do t do it at the expense of your relationship focus on the goods. You can’t change people just accept and love for who they are.

No matter how much she claims they are on the same page, she has a personality trait that a dirty cup becomes the fulcrum to the value of their relationship. There will be constant teeter-tottering between them. It's interesting that her finances were in shambles, but she focused on a dirty cup, socks on the floor, etc. If she really wants to keep this relationship, she needs to live on her own, not shacking up with him, that way his dirty cup is in his home not hers, she can keep her place exactly the way she wants it. It's also possible she has OCD which is hell for spouse to live with.

So when is the wedding it is time to stop playing house

Moving in before actually getting married was a mistake.

AVP hello don't know . but instead of just saying 'subliman messages / they all have to tryt too out am=start me / welp it didn't work /

If you can taste your anger in the air you've never said anything calmly

Blame is not a solution. It's a way to shirk off responsibility for finding solutions, a way to avoid flexibility, creativity, and maturity or put those off... If you want to stop blaming, start getting creative amd flexible. Once you identify a need or problem, for example: we're out of milk. Now, instead of saying - like "You drank it all, You guzzlong fool! You're the reason we never have milk! You're *such* a freakin' thirst quencher! You and all your cereal breakfasts. Soaking all the protein drinks up in the house for yourself you selfish brat! Milk monster!" - keep that to yourself even if it's true and you honestly feel that way. Just because it's a real feeling and that's valid doesn't make it constructive as part of the solution. Say it silently to yourself. It matters, as your feelings do, but not to the solution here, now. So, hold off for a bit and edit that out or jot it in a feelings notebook to reference later, if his behavior bothering you becomes a pattern. Monitoring your feelings about it by recording them instead of blasting them out at him each time will help you find patterns that could lead to more solutions later and will help him feel less like an emotional punching bag anytime you feel less than stellar about him. If you need milk, brainstorm some options: - you could go to the store and buy some. - you could ask him nicely to do a milk run. - you could make it a date and play flirty grocery games while there. - you could get 2 containers next time instead of just one. - you could ask a friendly neighbor to borrow a cup...might get freaky in a good way... We're staying flexible. Doesn't mean these are *decisions* to set in stone - just brainstorming creative or off the wall possibilities so our brains can stretch it out. Start by brainstorming with him and treating him as you want to be treated when he's mad at you for missing his milk. When Deloney says "shoulder to shoulder" he means that literally. Men stand beside one another facing the same enemy on the battlefield or sports arenas... If you want to be on his team, get next to him and face the vision of a shared future you want to make with him, not just across from him, starting down a problem, or he'll start to feel like the one being stared down if it happens a lot. If you are facing each other it can be felt to a man as combative even if not intended that way. When you're arguing, change your physical position to be next to him. Like that song, "I wanna get next to ya, bay-bahy!" Remembering silly things like cheeseball songs in an argumentsative moment can break tension and bring levity that puts the milk in perspective. Now consider his intent. Was he against you, drinking your milk to outright defy you? If so, what could have made him so resentful? Was it a power play to put you down on purpose?!? Steal Your favorite resource? For real. Was he? Or did he just think maybe he had a right to drink it, too, since you seem to share a lot already by this point in relationship? Was that a mistake to assume? Should he ask next time to show you more respect? Maybe he should. Maybe that's a boundary for you. Thar's valid. But don't chop his head off without 1st letting him know politely that you found a boundary there around your milk and would hope he respects that from this point forward. Thanks. I know yoj're not arguing about milk - it could be anything and probably feels much more personal and hurtful to you or you wouldn't be so upset about it. Understood. I used milk to lighten the mood and add some perspective because milk is not that deep, right? But to you it might signify something deeper. That's fair, but - Is that his fault? Or can you take responsibility for that sensitivity and express it without raging or resenting him before he gets in trouble with you again? My dad used to tell me, "Buck up, Buttercup! Life's not always gonna go your way..." And it hurt to hear like sandpaper but it helped me cope when I run out of milk.

No marriage = No problems

short answer : get divorced problem solved LOL or you can learn to compromise ...pick a number LOL

What happens if you can't figure out why your body is responding a certain way? I'm stuck. I can't seem to figure it out.

Her : the engine is overheating in the car. Him : it needs an oil change. Her : so are you saying that I hate my car and that you want to mxrder my father? Women hate solving problems and love to argue. This is a law of nature

This isn’t that hard. Might = right in all society. If you are stronger you can also convince yourself you are more logical and more even keeled (even if you aren’t) because you KNOW you have the strength to back it up. Same story of husbands not listening to their spouses is all. I say this as a woman who probably has too much trstesterone and gets told by my husband how bad of a job I do keeping house when he doesn’t lift a finger. Why should he when it’s woman’s work because he says so?

Being sloppy and lazy toward a woman with the expectation of women cleaning up is disrespectful,

Hey Dr delony I left a voicemail and never heard back from you message to others who watch him he will never get back to you 👎

save the marriage, hire a maid. Now she too can spend her days doing what she wants.

Why does this title say "in our marriage" when she clearly said boyfriend! The conversation was over from then on. Like, why are you living with a BF, playing house?

Okay John I'm going to call BS on you! She's explaining that when he does X it makes her feel Y! As a woman I totally in completely understand! So situation with the socks! I went through it with my ex-husband! When he would not help me with the home and picking up his own stuff!! I felt like his mother instead of his wife! And yeah it feels most women are feely people! We are more emotionally charged! And she said she is owning her feelings that's why she said she feels like X when he does Y! Okay my thing is usually men or more physically charged where women are emotionally charged! But there's nothing in my point of view that she's wrong for feeling that way when he does that! So she's explaining to him why she feels the way she does and he's taking it out all unproportionately! Like she's going off on him but she's not! So call him out cuz she's doing it in a unviolent calm manner! All of us can't be perfect on that. And it's how he's perceiving it!