This sounds very much to me like ADHD. Adult females (and girls) experience it differently than the stereotypical bouncing-off-the-walls little boy we picture. I existed much like this woman, and after learning about ADHD I was able to implement some specific strategies which drastically changed my ability to accomplish and remember things. Understanding how my brain works has allowed me to work with it instead of against it. I would encourage this caller to do some research on ADHD in women.
And not to mention, untreated adhd and anxiety go hand in hand. That’s not to say medicine is the only treatment-for me, adhd behavioral research and counseling was enough to get me functional and not feeling like I couldn’t manage life, which reduced my anxiety.
@Jennifer Llewellyn same here...I have been "acting as if" I was diagnosed....because I have learned through reading that I tick all the boxes. It's taken years, but with the right tools and attitude I've learned to manage it well.
@@MikeIsCannonFoddergreat point!!! I got tested and did score high for ADHD but I was smack dab in the middle of an abusive marriage~ and when o finally left, almost all the symptoms left 😮😳 I was terrified of him and his anger/rage....
I think this lady called in hoping to hear reassurance that it's ok to be this way. I'm so glad Dr. John didn't do that. We all have things to grow in. This is just her area of growth. I'm hoping her and her husband can communicate their needs and everyone's needs can be met
While yes, she should keep track of her own schedule, it sounds like she's getting all the blame here. I've been in the situation where I'm told, "why didn't you tell me in this exact perfect way that I will understand" when I'm trying to say something in many different ways as possible to get it through. It doesn't matter how I say it, he'll make excuses to make it a 'you problem' so that he wont have to change. And she shouldn't have to ask him for help he should just help!
@@whattomakeofit3436 How is he supposed to know she needs help unless she vocalizes it? What's wrong with communicating your needs? If you don't, they don't get met and your relationship will suffer. Communication and open dialogue should be encouraged, not discouraged.
@@1981lashlaruehat’s the thing… she said she needed help remembering things and John said “you’re asking him to parent.” Wtf?! I’ve NEVER had a counselor say this, and due to moves we’ve had a few. They’ve actually said “well you expect her to remember things but you aren’t putting them into a calendar for her so let’s start with that. And you do that for yourself too.” instead of “you’re asking him to parent.
@@1981lashlarue But the other person has to try to understand. If she needed to ask for more, fine, but she shouldn't have to ask for the basics he should just know that stuff around the house and with kids needs to be done.
Seriously glad to hear Delony tackle this one more head on rather than trying to find a reason to blame another person. I'm not like her... But I still keep a physical weekly calendar of major and minor events that I look at daily. I write down everything at the beginning of each week to plan and check off stuff. About $8 at Wal-Mart for 1 year. Pick one up if you hate doing it on your phone.
Her description at the beginning was the exact way I ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD at 27-years-old. I’ve always thought I was just quirky, and now so much of my life makes sense 😂 I spent my whole life masking, and it took having two under two and being a stay at home mom to realize I couldn’t function like a typical person.
I bet this is a lack of sleep mainly. When my husband wasn't sleeping, he couldn't remember a thing. It was miserable. But once he started sleeping normal again, he has a really good memory. Two babies under two isn't easy.
I have 5 kids and this is me. When people say that thing about “priorities” it makes me so upset…..like I am a mess or dumb. I just fing forget…..until the middle of the night when I can’t sleep thinking of everything I need to do to keep my babies alive and happy.
I have 2 at home 3 and under, mom brain is real. Supplements and writing things down have helped me a lot but still, yeah my memory is not at all what it used to be. It's very apparent.
Me to! I literally lost my mind after I started staying home with small kids. I think our brains start getting trained to not stay on task bc we’re constantly interrupted with needs from small kids.
@@krystalgardiner5591 Yep, it's very easy to get overstimulated when you're at home with small kids, not to mention dealing with the hormone fluctuations postpartum, I think that also impacts memory. And this caller's children are both under 2. I noticed my memory also improved when my husband started giving me breaks by taking the kids out for a few hours on the weekends.
I forgot how to talk during the first few years. I would stutter and forget words in the middle of speaking. I thought something was extremely wrong with me but it was because I around little kids and no adults. Their dad was out of the country for months at a time so I hardly had adult contact. Parenthood can do some weird stuff.
I deal with anxiety too. What helped me out a lot with memory and attention was meditation for 6 months. 10 min after you wake up and 10 min before you go to bed. A good way to heal a traumatic brain
I'd be curious to know what she forgets and what she decides to remember (ex. does she forget daily responsibilities/obligations and remember things about TV shows, details about her friends' social lives)
I lost my short-term memory for over 2 yrs due to work-related stress plus death of parent plus abandonment by partner: was told to go on long walks in nature (frees up the brain) and take high-strength Omega 3. After I did that, my memory is now pin-sharp like never before so that’s also worth considering in addition to what Dr John told her. I do wish her well but her hubby seems to have extricated himself from his responsibility towards her: bet it would be different if HE got ill !!!
Would you be attracted to your husband anymore if he asked you to be his mother? Doubt it. Theres a difference in being a partner and a parent. Partners can make plans and follow through with their own parts of said plan and sometimes support the other if they are slacking a bit to get the job done. However, if one person has to constantly hover over the other partner like a parent, the bussiness (marriage) will fail and that partner isnt upholding their part of the agreement. Time to fire them or buy them out so you can find a partner to keep it going.
Oh, it definitely would. I don’t like his response about when she asked for reminders. My husband is big into barking orders (at me and his parents) and I have asked him to remind me of things to do so I can stay on track. Could be adhd, could be executive dysfunction, could be bad diet, could be a ton. But if I have to manage myself and him, in the manner he wants me to manage his stuff, then he can help. If he sits back and makes comments about what a bad job I’m doing he can do it himself. Sorry, have delt with this for years and I get upset with husbands who like to act like fathers but actually act like children
As a fellow anxiety sufferer and homeschooling SAHM of four under 8YO, I can totally identify with this woman's struggle. My husband is generally far more gracious because he knows the trauma I've been through. But I also make lists and put reminders on my phone for paying bills, making appointments, etc. Ihave also been working on reducing anxiety for a couple years now and am in a far better place then I used to be. At the height of my anxiety and PTSD, I couldn't remember anything, I was 100% in survival mode.
I am hearing someone who knows they're forgetful. Someone else in their life tells them it is creating a problem and instead of attempting to work the problem...she looks for aspects of her life to justify it and/or seek vindication from someone to dismiss it as a problem.
@@Gingerrrrsnapps Easter said than done to fix forgetfulness, especially if you are neurodivergent. I don’t think many neurotypical individuals will ever fully understand the absolute struggle.
I agree with your husband- It’s not other people’s responsibility to remind you of everything. If you can’t even follow through with putting event reminders in your phone for everything, that’s on you and no one can help you until you help yourself. That’s the only way I remember anything as a pregnant full time working mother to a 2 year old trying to make it to the gym multiple times a week and make home cooked dinner for my family and stay current on housekeeping and appointments, etc.
John always gives such good advice. I agree with the writing things down part. And yes, she should not be asking her husband to remember things for her. I mean, especially not a lot of things because that can be a burden on any partner. If you forget a lot, write things down. If I don't write it down, I will forget it, so that's what I have to do. She may want to consider her diet as well. That may play a part. Either too many processed foods, or not enough foods containing vitamins, minerals, etc...Nutritious foods carry oxygen in the body, which gives oxygen to the brain.
Also, get her thyroid checked. Hypothyroidism can cause extreme forgetfulness. So can a drug or alcohol problem. Lack of sleep can, as well. Also, B vitamins.
This might also be early brain fog from what you are eating. I also raised two sons, 21 month apart. I was breast feeding each child for 14 month. I was highly sleep deprived, not eating well, exhausted and 100% responsible for the house, the yard, painting the house every summer, washing to windows, the food sourcing and cooking, and childcare, washing, ironing etc....Honestly, I was in response mode and barely holding it together. My (then) husband was controlling and high super high expectations of me - he was impatient and expected perfection 100% of the time without any empathy. I asked for his help and he told me this, "I did not get married to do dishes." He refused to help me. He worked days and he spent his nights playing baseball, softball, drinking with his friends, his weekends canoeing, canoeing, and drinking. I had no help, no babysitter, no break at all. That marriage did not make it
Use your voice record app daily and listen to it the next day or next week to remind yourself of what happened and how you felt that day. Helps me a lot because I can tune people out and even when I speak I forget what I just said.
If I was asking my partner to remember things, and then they turned around and said, "Would you remember for me?" That would set me off, too. I always say that I need everyone in my household to use their own brains and not use my brain for them.
My ADHD is so bad that yesterday I drove to the pizza store to pick up pizza, drove home, got out of the car and left the pizza in the car. 😂 As if I just went for a drive for no reason.
I once went to a gas station and left without the gas. In the days when we paid cash. Usually these things happen when I am busy, and when someone call me on the phone, when i am busy
Here's an idea, keep your notebook on a keychain hooked onto your belt; otherwise, you can lose that notebook! Some people have different types of forgetfulness and need to find cues that work for them. One of the best is an all-inclusive daily journal - but you have to know where it is and maybe set a timer so you remember to check it every hour. Best to you!
Just throwing this out there: (I'm saying 'had' because we haven't spoken in a long time, not because he died) I had a friend that sounds similar to the caller. He had ZERO memory and ZERO spatial awareness. He had severe ADHD. I think the ADHD was so bad that he couldn't even focus on anything someone said..so it wasn't getting into his brain to begin with to go into his memory. He could not follow a conversation. He would repeat the same stories over and over, ALMOST to the extent of someone with Alzheimer's. If we went into a store, he had no sense of which way was the front to the doors. He would get lost, even if he was going to something that was in a clear line of sight from where he was. It affected his job and his relationships. He did share with me that he was born premature. I wonder if that had something to do with it. Anyway, it was very difficult to be around him and work with him because it felt like I had to almost be his mom. I understand the frustration of the caller's husband, but that doesn't mean it's the caller's fault.
Agree, sound like ADHD to me. I have ADHD. While I have a great memory, I'm awesome at trivia, my mind jumps from thing to thing so fast it seems like forgetfulness.
I myself may have adhd. Got tested but they said no because of my degree, but I think they were mistaken (I can get through school, but man my mom helped me a lot in elementary and middle school). My husband gets mad at me and puts a lot of stuff on me. It gets old
John! You say “it’s normal that you become more anxious in general with toddlers “ please please speak into that more!!!!!!! Would be a gift to my family.
It's hilarious how creative people's minds get when they hear only a tiny fraction of someone's situation. Shaming. Assuming the rest of the story and what must be going on. With only a 17 minute or less call, where most of the call Dr J is the one talking, not many questions being asked about the situation, and so much more... what do you expect? There are a whole lot of people in these comments who are shaming and blaming, yet have no idea about any other details of the caller's life. Maybe she does a TON in reality and isn't actually being acknowledged for what she IS doing, but only criticized for what she missed during her hectic, nonstop day with 2 under 2. While her husband goes off to his 8-4 job and comes home expecting to be glued to his phone (really anytime he's home), turn the sports TV on, and expects to sit on the couch and have a "short" break, and then proceeds to the bathroom afterwards for a nice long crap on the toilet while she juggles her two babies and dinner for her family, and God knows what else. Maybe she actually does use reminders/calendar to remember a lot of things, but at the same time forgets a lot of things as well. And let's mention also that we shouldn't be using generalized word usage such as "she forgets EVERYTHING". Also, maybe the fact that she has 2 under 2 could have something to do with things not getting done or finished or remembered. And for some of these commenters to say she's entitled, has been catered to her whole life, is lazy, etc.... wow. Ya'll really know how to talk about other people's character without even knowing them as a person, or even more than what you have heard about her from this call.
Sorry, but this would drive me crazy too. You’re an adult. Get a planner, they even have those magnetic calendars you can put on the fridge so you can both see it and be on the same page, set reminders on your phone. You don’t want your husband to feel like he’s your parent and has to remind you constantly. I hate that Dr John thinks everything is related to trauma. This sounds like neglect in my opinion. If you were not a sahm and had nobody else to depend on to remind you of important things, I’m pretty sure you would find a way to remember them.
Accountability and responsibility seem to be a thing of the past. I fully agree with your comment. We all do what we have to do - post it notes, planners, reminders on phone. MANY different tools available. I am super forgetful also but it is MY responsibility to address it so as to minimize it in order to meet my husbands needs.
I mostly agree, though I would argue that trauma (especially something like CPTSD) can absolutely have some negative effects on the brain, especially during our formative years, and hasn't been ruled out in this convo. That said, trauma isn't the issue here. The issue is that she doesn't see her forgetfulness as an issue, so she isn't motivated to make changes. It's like she's just accepted it as part of her, and her husband is just gonna have to deal, I guess, and become her human day planner 😮💨. Even without any kind of diagnosis needed, she is clearly faced with an issue that is negatively impacting her current life, and is doing nothing to attempt to rectify it. As a generally functional adult, you'd think she'd be more concerned with how she's going to manage life with this issue, especially considering she has young children depending on her, rather than thinking her husband should be somehow overjoyed to not only have to mentally manage his own life, but also hers. Does she not understand the mental workload she's basically expecting him to take on?! 😒 Ma'am is (supposed to be) a whole adult
Sounds like undiagnosed thyroid disease! It all fits. Recent 2nd pregnancy. Anxiety. Forgetfulness. Go see an endocrinologist asap!! Test for TSH and thyroid antibodies.
I second this. I was diagnosed ADHD but years later found out I had thyroid antibodies. With a bit of thyroid supplementation and diet change, my brain is much clearer. It is clearer than while using stimulants and without the side effects.
Sounds like me! I suggest get yourself a calendar and place it somewhere where you always see it. Start writing everything down as soon as things come up. It has help me a lot.
Oh honey! Textbook ADHD. I forgot a swimming lesson for my daughter that she goes to EVERY WEEK. And with 2 kids under 2!? Your brain changes its biochemistry during childbirth. Throw in hormones, ADHD, anxiety, and possibly post partum depression. The biggest thing that can help is taming the chaos. Lists and alarms/notifications on my phone help me so much.
I feel for this woman. I have not been diagnosed, but I have noticed that I have traits of ADHD. Following tips and strategies for those with ADHD seem to help. I write things down ALL the time now.
My husband tends to forget things. One year he forgot my birthday. Once he realized, I threw it at him. " Oh, but you remember the time and day your favorite teams play, right?"
O my gosh yes, I got so mad while listening to this too. From the very beginning I thought it sounded like ADHD. As a girl I had similar problems and asked for help but my parents just insisted that I was lazy and that I would remember things if I made it a priority. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I got a full assessment and got help. It was so refreshing to finally feel like I wasn't chasing my tail. I feel so sorry for this lady. She's literally asking for help and johns flippantly implying that she's just too stressed and she needs to just talk to her husband. There's a bunch of things that can be resolved with communication but some things need a lot more.
John this is the 100th time you've mentioned the dishes... it was so powerful to you when your wife told you that you needvto do the dishes. Why don't you guys get a dishwasher? Or is it metaphorical?
The caller should also check her tyroid hormones. For me the hypothyroidsm made me very forgetfull and gave me a lot of anxiety, I was always tired - I have 2 years of no memories. And now with the right levels of TSH, I can function again.
I wish Dr. J would have asked her questions regarding if she is safe and got more info on how the husband treats her as well as if the household things are being done together as a team or if she's required to do it ALL by her husband based on a patriarchal marriage. I was married to a covert narcissist for 14 years and I had no clue. I was simmering in anxiety 24/7 due to his unpredictable outbursts of rage. I did go to a psychiatrist and got tested for ADHD and I scored off the dang charts. Now, the crazy thing is that when I left him, almost all of the ADHD symptoms went away. I was also dealing with severe lower back pain and migraines due to my jaw, facial muscles, head and neck muscles clenching like crazy and I had no control over it, it seemed. My ex also weaponized my forgetfulness and clumsiness during fights and everyday life, which, by the way, made it WORSE. 😢 He convinced me I was an idiot that couldn't do jobs that even a monkey could do (yes, his words). Caller, if you can, please get tested for ADHD and research abuse and narcissism if what I shared above sounds similar. Praying for you!❤
Diet might play a small role here. For some people, sugar and other fast starches hijack the amygdala. I have to watch my sugar intake or I begin forgetting things. My mom and one of my sisters dealt with this as well.
I'm a stay at home mom with a 4 and 1 year old. I'm running around all the time. But I do not forget things. I DO push them aside because some things are more important. Not to throw him under the bus, but my husband is the forgetful one. Always has been even before children. So... I understand how frustrating and aggravating this can be. I pray for patience a lot, and keeping my cool.
I find that most people can address most of their issues with healthy diet, physical activity and plenty of water intake. Something lot of people seem to not even discuss. Once those 3 are addressed, LOTS of puzzles seem to fall into place....
I can’t remember anything. It’s awful! I have alerts and reminders set on my phone constantly. But no, I don’t Remember what people tell me. I’ll see a friend and ask how her husband is and have forgotten that I attended his funeral last year. Mom had dementia and sometimes I wonder if I have it too. It’s just awful!
Dear comment section, she didn't say she was always this way. She said it's mommy brain + anxiety. If she had ALWAYS been this way then you'd have more ground to stand on, but half of the internet is self-diagnosing themselves with autism and ADHD when they're actually just online too much.
She needs a BIG calendar and then write everything down…appointments, calls/texts to make, etc. plus she needs a shopping-to do list hanging with that calendar. She is probably exhausted…my brain doesn’t work great if I’m overly tired.
If your husband says you're driving him nuts, trust me, he isn't lying. On behalf of all men, please stop doing whatever you're doing that's driving him nuts.
Since you agree that it's reasonable to be driven nuts by forgetting things (the topic that the caller's husband takes issue with), I'm sure that you agree with women when they are driven nuts by men who agree to do things and then forget to do them, right?
@Luminous well at least you were honest for saying that. I'm all for taking in any advice. I agree with what you said, only thing is...as long as it is reasonable, that's what we need to take heed to. Thank you for your comment.
Lol. Well, she’s not being forgetful on purpose. I struggle with this, and every intervention I’ve tried is slightly helpful. I’ve never tried medication, but I guess that would be another choice. She’s not intentionally screwing up.
Accountability shouldn't be an empty word ladies. Just because you have an issue that doesn't make it someone else's problem automatically. Her husband literally said he'd be happy to help but ultimately you can't fix someone else or indeed make someone else happy against their will.
Could he be right? How can I make HIM understand? Not his job. I, and most men, are fed up with women forcing men to take responsibility for their own patheric failings. Grow up girls.
She thinks she's a single mom? ..also I'm very forgetful and I'm almost sure I have ADHD. Not to mention having small children. I always tell people I can't spread anyone's business because I can't remember sh*t.
I'm also a young mom with 2, 2 and under. I've recently been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Which causes, tiredness, stress, depression and memory loss! I think she needs to call her Dr and have a check up done on her health! A diet change, more time spent outside and taking your vitamins works wonders! ( I know that doesn't fix everything, but its a great place to start. Don't come at me 😜)
This is about so much more than her memory problems............... But just to focus on her memory issues. 1) Diet is very influential. She should cut out wheat and gluten to begin with, this can make a mind foggy and unfocused. 2) She should also look at a couple of EFT/EMDR sessions focusing on her memory issues. And follow Dr D's advice. Hopefully this will strengthen her marriage. I think that as well as being very busy, she is carrying resentment towards her husband as well. She may well be justified in that, but something like EFT/EMDR will help her release that.
Why can't she set herself a reminder on her phone? I get seriously annoyed when an assistant does this and "forgets" everything. Including routine functions of her job.
As soon as the caller began describing her situation with forgetfulness, I immediately said to myself “this woman has ADHD!”. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and he has severe issues juggling tasks and remembering things just like this caller. He’s had to implement different strategies to help with this!
“I asked him to help me remember things” “you’re asking him to parent” sheesh… she could actually have a memory issue that’s undiagnosed… I went through a period of a few years being extremely forgetful and I used to remember EVERYTHING. So much that my husband would be the forgetful one. Lo and behold… mold literally killed my brain cells and I forgot MEMORIES too. If anyone told me “you’re asking him to parent” when I said I need help remembering because it was scary to me… and I hadn’t received my diagnosis yet… all I could think of today would be “well thanks for adding to the already damaged brain as if it’s my fault”. There was no in depth convo to this, no “what kinds of things are you forgetting” no diving into the real WHY behind this… just a lot of assumption. One thing my husband started doing was using our calendar app…. A super simple thing Delony could have mentioned but instead, shamed her. “You need to ask for what you need” yet she asked and you called her a child in your own words and shamed her. Without even knowing the real deep details. It’s disturbing.
Anyone would be overwhelmed with two toddlers, one pees, another one poops, no time, cleaning diapers all day, no time to eat, washing kids behinds every 15 mins, one after another, no time to think about anything. I was a nanny for one day. Was exhausting, I was concentrated on the kid only.
I really do think this lady needs to get seen by a doctor as well. Memory tests and tests for ADHD. I hope she reads the comments because I’m not the only one thinking this.
My mom brain has gotten so bad that I have almost burnt our house down 3 times...and it happens if my husband and I have an argument near my period. It wreaks havoc on my brain when I am insane stressed out.
How much time does she spend on her phone or social media?! That would be my first question. That stuff is destroying people’s minds and focus at an alarming rate. Everyone seems to have trauma and anxiety today which I’m not 100% convinced on when they’re glued to their phone 7 hours a day.
Well people are just big babies today. They can't handle anything. Someone told me that she had trauma from using a dirty public bathroom. She wasn't kidding. It would be nice if the words trauma, anxiety, gas lighting, toxic and self love could be erased from the dictionary. Because I don't even take them seriously anymore.
He wants a wife not a daughter. I am trying to work with my wife that she isnt only a mother but a beautiful wife. Are kids 19 and 16 and worried about her identity when they have moved on.
I have 3 small children under 4. I know where she is coming from when it comes to forgetfullness. My husband was starting to get upset at me over it. I was starting to believe I may have early onset alzheimers at 30 yrs old. It takes a lot of brain power to filter out all of the nonsense that toddlers bring to you. And without adequate rest, which she probably is not getting, the brain cannot recover and remember things. Her husband and Doctor Deloney are right, it isnt her husbands responsibilty to parent her. But I also think her husband may be underestimating just how mentally draining it is being around young children for long periods of time and underestimating just how much sleep and rest is needed to recover. Earlier bedtime for mom (not necessarily for kids) and greater understanding from dad is what will help get them through this season.
I got that vibe, too. ALSO, somebody needs to tell her to stop finishing every statement with a question inflection(?). Every time? She says something? Because? It's _super_ annoying?
I don't know but I feel that Doc kind of messed it up here. Clearly there are some issues between the 2 of them. And just throwing this word salad won't fix the problem.
I'm 57 almost 58 and I forget stuff because I'm so busy all the time I do something and I just move on to the next thing. And at work I have to talk to customers all day I can't remember everything we talk about and I know that when I remember I need some thing from the grocery store I have to write it down or when I get off work And I go shopping I won't remember everything I need because I'm so busy. It's completely normal and in this day and age a lot of people have anxiety just being in an unhealthy marriage will give you anxiety just knowing how we're going to make it every month with the groceries going up the gas going up gives people anxiety. I know that when I am playing worship music I feel so much better and it calms me down when I'm feeling anxious
