How Narcissists "Apologize"  

Exactly! Changed behavior shows they understand that their actions and behaviors hurt someone. They don't care, they don't have empathy so it continues over & over.

True.

Yup ❤

I tell my narcissistic ex "while I appeciate the apology, I cannot accept it or forgive you until I see a change in behavior". Response I get "I don't appreciate you making an assumption or dismissing me like that"...🤦‍♀️😭 We live together, so walking away makes stuff worse.

Spot On.

Oh I've heard that line of BS.

I Want to Scream reading this. I want to pull my hair out one by one and scream. Commencement of the DARVO session for hours and hours and hours we thought they could try to see from our POV or dredge any self awareness.. help them understand what they did that hurt us. Turns out they know what they did. And don't care and are laughing deep down inside getting that dopamine hit like a vampire from our pain and supply. That's it! Simple truth. When he would say this, I would end up that drained dehydrated shaky heart racing mess we all know all too well. My heart goes out to anyone ever out through this. Really, I was driven to illness and lost myself and almost my life in his deep dark well I fell down. Do not ever go back. The "good times" never existed. Take care.

Yep my mother says “sorry IF I hurt you” no you did hurt me there’s no if

I heard that 😂

Spot on!

Sometimes a person doesn't say or do anything 🤷🏿‍♂️

Came here to say this

I currently have a case worker who is 10 years younger than me and I can see her situation SO clearly from a mile away but she still can't. I'm 20 years in w a narc, she's 3 in and wants another baby so she goes back and forth about the reality of her husband being a narc. One week she hates him, the next he's an angel, and I've had to slowly introduce her to terms like trauma bonding, love bombing, grey rock, gaslighting etc. She gets 1 therapy session per month, and is using it for couples therapy but I'm working on convincing her to use it for herself bc its very obvious that she's so attached to him that she will believe him, make excuses for him etc. She had terrible parents like myself, so she was an easy target and also has no plan B. He is all she has(also her only long term relationship) and bc of that, she's completely blind to his antics and abuse. She only knows abuse and has no idea what its like to be in a healthy relationship so she just keeps tending to this broken one that's eternally dragging her down and stressing her out. Last time I saw her she was distraught and stressing about things like him getting another dui or wrecking her vehicle, him cheating again, him disappearing and ignoring her for days etc and I was just like "Listen, you could be learning right now. You could be starting a business. You could be having hobbies and friends and fun. You could be thinking about/working toward your bucket list or dream house. You could be making memories or relaxing...but you're doing none of these things bc 110% of your mental and emotional real estate is occupied by this guy and the problems he causes you."

​@@Sara_Rockafella, well, that in itself can make YOU into another narcissist, right there, you give yourself any excuse you need !

@JuergenBertram-ps7sy you know NOTHING and your comment makes that blatantly clear. And you make no sense. Your a negative navy. Or shall we say a narcissist.

@@bernitacenteno1326 I LEARNED THAT TRUTH!!!MANY YEARS AGO

Llil​@@pocasanchez

OR, that you will pay for it later in some form of punishment because YOU embarrassed them and shamed them by making them apologize to you for something they did or said that was wrong! They are NEVER WRONG. 😂

Or you end up being their therapist listening to them for hours about the trauma of how brutal and unfair it is, and how hurt they are that you said they hurt you.

😂 So true.

Indeed. A sincere apology is changed behavior

So true that’s what I realized with my toxic family

This takes a change in mindset. Satan is the head narcissist.

@@JF32304 Pathology always trumps normalcy.

You are entirely correct. My ex-narc was NEVER wrong. It was always wrong. I even asked her once if she is ever wrong. She just laughed and said "No".

messiah complex

@jeffrey…. You are 10,000% correct!!!

My dear, it is worse than you think, they do know how bad they are. They hurt you because it thrills them to see you destroyed, when they say something to make you cry or get you angry, it is on purpose, they just deny it

My favorite, they scream "it was an accident!" because accidents don't count and you are wrong for pointing out something that was clearly "an accident". But believe you me you'll apologize to them for "an accident". So will babies, dogs, and children, God and physics, followed by a 5hr looping rant lecture. It's a slow soul killer.

That's in fact WHO THEY ARE ...An Actor .... Not just in therapy ... but in LIFE !

am i narc?

Even when they want to return it not I did you badly it just this doesn’t make me weak but I think I should come back 😮

Yes, it needs to include correction. "I'm sorry, I hurt you AND I'm taking steps to ensure it'll never happen again." Evidence of corrected behaviours that demonstrate evidence of remorse that stand over the test of time are the real apology.

@@lt827 THAT PART😳

This was my experience too.

Literally hoping the bare minimum of the word itself is enough for you. Same happened to me.

​@@TallGlass-fh8qf, pure pretense ?

They use Internet , youtube chanels like this one as well... 😂 . You can spot them here often playing a VICTIM... while An evil " narcissist" sleeps in the K-mart parking lot in his car. 🎉

Yes they learn fake empathy in order to manipulate.

You can't manipulate a manipulator and no I am not a full blown narcissist.

​@@zoraidacastro2703😂 way to reveal yourself.

@@Queridasweet 😉

Good one. There's no hope for them. They think there's nothing wrong with them on the outside but inside they are screamingly insecure. Even saying "I apologize" is not an apology.

Perfect answer.

Clever 👍

@@Tarotcooks True cuz you can't change an elephant to a giraffe. Or any other analogy that is downright impossible.

@@Leelee-op7vj 😄👍

Not genuine, ever !

Many won’t apologize, but it’s not true for all. The skilled narcs absolutely will apologize so they can hide their true selves and keep abusing.

@@AriaSumner That's the point of my original post.

Yes: "I'm sorry *IF* I did *anything* [means 'you are being too sensitive' when a narc says it] to *upset YOU*" [as if your (gerund possessive grammar, lol) being upset is the real problem].

That's gaslighting right there. if you think this hurts (which I don't think it does) then I am sorry. they built the apology on your - twisted - reality. it's just your reality, I don't think it is THE reality..They are so f***king SICK

Yes, I got an 'apology' six months later with PROMPTING from another person, saying they were 'sorry if what I did upset you and caused you pain.' Twelve years later, that person is older and actually much worse.

@@DazzleDust32 I’ve tried to make rational sense of these people, but I now conclude that narcissists as possessed-ensnared and driven by demonic forces-because they all seem to act according to the same script. I am Christian, and I know that humility and repentance need to be at the center our spiritual life. The goal is to become by grace what God is by nature, loving and forgiving. But these narcissists do the opposite. They get more evil with the passage of time. They don’t want to put their will in alignment with the Lord’s. They want to dominate other people and to exalt themselves. Essentially, they get just keep getting further and further away from godliness and truth, because they don’t work at changing or humbling themselves. They are filled with the opposite qualities, like arrogance and vengeance, and just keep doubling down on their own entitlement, greed, envy, etc. I think it’s a test of our endurance, dealing with these people. And it just drags us down to play their games on their terms. They only way to win is to extract ourselves from their sphere of influence, and to forgive them-from a distance. If God can find a way change their hearts, He will. But if they want to keep choosing hell, then that’s where they’ll end up. Don’t let them make you bitter, which they’d greatly enjoy.

Yep. Married one.

In my experience, that's accurate.

@@fionam3735 RAZOR SHARP 😳🥺🤣

They use it to there benefit, they can easily outsmart most therapists

@Kiara…. You’re 💯% correct

​@@caligirl9403That's exactly what I experienced too. 🙄

Exactly!

. . .that's why I finally had to go 'no contact', been a year now.

​@carolyn4423 already at that stage the final last time. Finished.

Yah....she couldn't.

After you said that How did the narc react?

Then they say, "I can't make you feel anything."

@@barbaraguthrie5107 Then I say "Quit your jibber-jabber, idiot!" 😁

Exactly, forever self-righteous !

Yes! My ex narc husband would apologize and acknowledge, and if changes were made, they only lasted for 2 weeks to no more than a month. Then everything went right back to so called normal.

I've never had a real apology yet after being hurt in life except 2 people.

Exactly, grew up same and having to deal with an ex, going no contact will seal the deal for all time!

I agree there are times when that phrase is appropriate.

Well, i guess I'm more hopefull than many on here. Teaching some one to have a clue about empathy is a major step for them. Plus, you have to start somewhere. 'I'm sorry for that!' is a huge accomplishment for some folks! Even if many on here want to negate it! I wonder if being uber negative is as bad as to not apologize for something you have done? Or is it even worse? Hopefully not apologizing doesn't occur very often but negativety is a daily, all day, everyday kind of grinding a person down.

You can teach them. It takes A LOT but some narcs really can change. Its gonna take something drastic usually and maybe some shadow work

@@PsulOrtiz teaching empathy is absolutely a good thing. But the point is that with many narcs, this is not their goal. They hear how an apology is supposed to sound, and they use it as a tool to manipulate rather than desiring to properly apologize or empathize with people. In other words, they don’t mean the apology. They just use it as another tactic to control someone. If someone says “I’m sorry” but they don’t mean it, then it’s not really an apology now is it?

​@jessicablack9960 empathy can NOT be taught. It's either in your nature or not. They can FAKE it , but it won't be genuine.

That's an example of him telling on himself.

I would never call a violent one out on anything. They will teach you a lesson real fast. Beware!

@labazoops it was by email. There's a violence order in place that the police got, saying he is prohibited from my residence or anywhere that I am frequently. I am getting support from a Domestic Violence Case Worker as well as a therapist. But we are seperated and I went no contact a few weeks ago because he was still doing the same thing g's through email.

Wtf? Ghosting isnt even something you feel 😭😭

​@@tonna15good point!! 😂 I wish I'd said that!!

Superficialities !

That's my narc "mom" to a T.

I don’t really understand why that’s upsetting. Maybe they don’t agree with your perspective but are still apologizing and validating your right to choose to feel that way

I hate it, but sometimes 'im sorry you feel that way' is justified bc some dont share the same pov as you, however when it comes to the narcs, they're insane

​@@MrColdchillin81They are sorry for your feeling bad but not for the action causing the bad feelings

Lol exactly. “I’m sorry you feel that way” shouldn’t always be taken with so much disdain. If I was to say this to someone, I would literally mean, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I wouldn’t want you to feel that way ever” but I guess I’m now realizing this is all subjective 🤷🏻‍♀️😅

Only half. The other is knowing and admitting the character defect that drove you to it one of the seven deadly sins I presume

@@kevintewey1157 at 15 he isn't emotionally or intellectually mature enough yet to understand himself at that level. However, he understands he is accountable for his own words and actions.

@syrexscuse66 oops, my apologies you did say child but the problem is I'm working with a lot of adult children so I forget My bad 🤣

A true apology is active repentance. Naturally striving to not hurt the person again.

Yes, what if the therapist is a narcissist ?!

This is my MIL to a tee.

Stop giving others the power to hurt you, and look for a change in behavior rather than some words that have no meaning to the person saying them.

Yess!!

Exactly

I laughed in their face and said, "Apology not accepted." Then I laughed more as if I just made the funniest reply to their apology in the world. Not only were they kind of mad but they backed away like they were scared of me. As if to say "You're nuts. I'm outta here." Then I celebrated! Because I beat the narcissist. 🎉

It's mostly about tone. If someone is sad and you say this with true empathy, then it's a different situation. Maybe it would be better to say "I'm sorry you feel so sad", etc. Since she's talking about narcs who do or say hurtful things on purpose for control, to manipulate, etc then the narc is placing "blame" on their victim for feeling sad, etc. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" in such a situation is almost mocking the pain of the narc's victim. That's the only type of "apology" that I ever received from my bpd spouse.