How To Communicate With An Avoidant Ex 

So true

Truely said

I agree! Life’s too short to stay in an unhealthy “relationship”!!!

Simple solution is to not date someone like this

@@Mandance true. And I know that now. I have learned a lot and I can detect them very early on now. The sad part is that there are soooooo many avoidant people. Better to stay single than to navigate that mine field.

Agree, and thank you for being one of the few comments that doesn't crap all over us. For the ones that actually know their problem - We didn't choose to be this way, and certainly don't want to. Seems ridiculous that people are basically blaming someone for having trauma that was completely out of control.

​@@aron4408it really has started to suck seeing avoidants labeled as villains all the time. I know I've fucked up a lot but at least I know more now

Amen. Well said.

@@aron4408 but your trauma is not an excuse for hurting others. i bet hitler and stalin had many traumas too. the moment u destroy innocents, any empathy towards you from me goes to the void.

You'll find your way back home

Hey me too! It was years in a relationship with an avoidant that caused me to become insecure and now I am pretty doubtful about any possible new relationship.

I use to be a secure too and then became anxious, years of avoidant, now finding my way back to secure again. I had been broken so bad dating an abusive covert narcissist. The psychological and physical torment took awhile to heal from but I did. And I don’t know your story but I’m sure you will find your way back too.

@@OriginalMarjon thank you, i hope so

@@barbaraladams5304 i feel like I'm gonna mess up any relationship i get into...i tried again but then eventually gave up cause i felt like i was doing everything. My Partner knew about my ex (the entire story) and they'd purposely trigger me about it. at last i finally said goodbye. i don't think i wanna be in a relationship anytime soon...

And don't forget that paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beat paper 😂😂

Very good observation, I'm laughing and agreeing 💯 percent

It’s weird that they say Avoidants and Anxious attract each other but that makes no sense. Avoidants literally don’t want to be chased which is all anxious attachment styles do. It’s better to say anxious are drawn to avoidant but not the other way around

@@Gbb93 avoidants are initially drawn to anxious because they want that connection, and want to be chased. That’s why they are notorious for love bombing early on. It’s when they are triggered that the avoidant tendencies come out.

attachment styles can change though. two anxious attachments being together will not end well. you might think it would work out because they are BOTH clingy but someone is going to be less clingy and will most likely become more avoidant

How?

​@@jadegreen1554You learn to love yourself through repetition. Changing the inner conversation day by day.

ouch.

I agree nothing you do is good enough

They are called Avoident for a reason they will Avoid YOU

i agree

Eff em 🙄

So fkn true wow

Yep. Along with not communicating and fearing vulnerability... they have two strong traits preventing their needs from getting met. Meanwhile they pretend everything is OK. That's a form of gaslighting. They make their partner think they are meeting their needs and they aren't. Then they ghost. With little to no communication. It's just wrong.

And don't even get me started on taking accountability.

@@user-un6hq1hc8opretty much happened to me … 3 yrs relationship, got dumped by my DA, was secure now I’m anxious … he dumped me after a fight because I didn’t knew that he was a DA .. I told him that I never get reciprocity in affection and other stuff .. after that puff gone he was … we are in contact but he refuses to tell me why and I never get any fucking thing out of him no matter what and how I ask ..

I'm at least lucky that mine ghosted me before I lost much money

She was gonna leave anyway.

Yes, they always come back. When you have healed, they are back. It's as if they sense it!

I’m very anxious style , ( I will work on it ) I think this guy I was seeing is avoidant cause when something happened and I pressured him to stay w me and talk to me he RAN away he got so mad . Was it what happened to you to ? I don’t even know if this guy will ever look for me lol

How do they actually come back ? Do they take news ? Do they express their regrets ? Do the suggest a réconciliation? I just broke up with an avoidant, being anxious attachment style. We were in really rough patches of our lives and I haven't been okay at all, didn't make feel her secure with me and was craving to talk. So she shut herself off. We talked about it and I'm on the path of healing, but she didn't talk about any healing on her side. After a 2 week no contact break, and having short text messages contact. She broke it off because she realized she made the decision already a while ago. Does this ring any bells ?

Same for me

Same here

I agree

Very similar. Yuck.

the hard part about that is they will avoid responsibility lol. they will deflect and abruptly end conversations .I'm stuck on one for like five years now and i desperately want to detach at this point because i can't save them and don't want to play these games these videos suggest.

Or generally being players as they don’t get easily attached to someone

InsecureAF

You're confused. Avoidants need space. It's people with anxious attachment style who seek constant attention and external validation. They make avoidants feel smothered.

My avoidant (personality disorder) wanted/ask for constant attention from beginning. I didn’t comply. Then once things progressed at a natural pace, he avoided. It was so confusing. I had never heard about ‘avoidant’ attachment. I feel that a real grown up should tell their romantic partner when there is such a serious issue that affects both parties. When someone ask me out now, I ask them to take the attachment quiz …. What a roller coaster ride that was, I figured out I don’t like amusement parks 😉

The most heartbreaking experience ever

this video describes my marriage exactly from the tremendous enthusiasm and apparent deep connection she had, to her eventual frustration and “testing” that drove my anxious tendencies and lead to a sudden blindside divorce after 17 years. And of course she found an old college boyfriend and described the “amazing connection” almost literally word for word how she had described ours at the start. And I know it because she had written the words in a journal when we met. Moving on.

Don’t make excuses for her. Move on

Me too 🫂 we love ourselves and that all that is important, plus it so funny how enjoyable life becomes when you cut them off LMAOOOO

Your peace of mind is the most important. Made me understand that as well.

Toxic does that

Same here.

Same here. Takes awhile to even realize what happened.

Don’t feed his ego

It won’t make a difference

​@@Mandance what makes difference

@@xx-bk2cb staying no contact makes the difference

@@Mandance how long? until he reaches out or?

Glad you like them!

If you engage with avoidant attachment style, you will develop anxious AS. If you engage with anxious AS, you will develop avoidant AS. If you are engaged with secure AS,you will develop secure AS.

Glad it was helpful!

Yeah it’s very rare they ever work on themselves

The very thought of working on themselves triggers them and off they go again. I’ve only recently identified that my partner is a da.. having found the holy grail, I tried to share a video with them.. I haven’t seen them since!

Because their precious feelings have to be skirted around! Everyone SHOULD walk on eggshells for them, they're special! 😉

AMEN...do the work like everyone else has to

Exactly! He projected and said he needed to walk on eggshells around me. Nope. Other way around!

Did he ever push you away completely and come back?

How have you been helping yourself?

You are such a patient person. And your husband is lucky. Both of you are meant for each other. you understand and love each other. Wish you all the best ❤️

Maybe the DA's just want to be understood. But they can't express themselves. They don't know hot to react or handle the situation. They want love. But they tend to get frustrated because they're not use to it. I think most of them are men. And I just think that it's because society told them to man up and not to be a pussy. Just my observation.

That sounds exhausting. If he is a true avoidant.. they do eventually leave.

You are so welcome

The 4 years and left stuff are same cases with me

@timochi7363 Yeah, it's confusing but you have to get to the point that you have to move on before you go crazy. Start going out and trying different things. The out of sight out of mind effect will kick in and you'll get better.

@48seminole do you face the same feeling like, its not her or i want to fix this thing? Everytime i wake and try to sleep, the memories and how she treat me nicely keep me on moving on..

shell be back

Throw that shit away or take it to GoodWill

Maybe.

Very true. If you want to stay together it is really really hard work. Is that worth it?

Oh they marry....you'll just be in a marriage by yourself most of the time

Here’s a thought….I think when I’ve been with avoidant is because I can see behind their fear to their desire to be loved. That’s what I feel connects us. And just like a dog at the pound that snarls and barks out of an aggressive fear, or one that backs away and huddles in the corner out of protective fear, I always think there’s a great companion in there if I can just get them to drop their guard. If you can bond to that dog, it will be for life as long as you treat them right. I guess foolishly I always wanted that kind of loyalty from my avoidant partners. I’ve actually seen it work. But it takes alot of unconditional love and patience, a lot of strength in other words. I’m not saying this is healthy. I’m just sharing my thought process.

Sorry what happened to you. Any updates

Thank you for sharing your story and warning us. It's quite nice to see that humans aren't so unique at all which means we can learn so much about how things will go based on other people's experiences.

@@grumpykuma2569 well yes. He apologized and said it was the biggest mistake of his life. He ask me again to marry him, this time on both knees lol. I agreed but you know what? I felt like the trust was gone. I never could return to the place where I was before and the most happiest. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, on eggshells! So I decided to move on. Bought a new house and looking forward to starting my new life. He can stay dismissive with himself!! I’m better off

@@christinehammond3936 You made the right choice. You could never know when that could happen to you again with him. As soon as the next stage in life comes along, he would get scared again and pull away.

Horrible. I recently got a small taste of that style of treatment - the sudden, unexplainable withdrawal, right when things had been at their very best. I'm sorry your experience was so much more devastating. After what I just went through, I can't imagine your pain.😢

@@bjbj5048 Nope

@Anna Gejd nope

@Anna Gejd i will write to u now

German number

Seems like yr mobile is off

@Anna Gejd i should save 001 etc, right?

I had almost this same exact experience!

And we so want our partners to be our best friends. 😔 sigh

You can’t fix others

Brace yourself for the big brick you're about to hit... When she has broken up with you several times, ghosted, blocked, devalued and ignored you and maybe replaced you. You will be left with a shell of what you used to be. Proceed with caution and at your own informed risk.

Avoidants will always tell you what they will do to you. Mine told me the last day before I left "You should hate me, I'm a bitch. I convinced you to come here, told you we would fight everything together and now I'm getting rid of you, you're back where you started". And it is true, she called me after I moved saying we're separated but still together yet I saw no remorse, no accountability. Avoidants will always tell you their traumas, pay atention because that's how you determine their attachment style. Accept that if they are not humble to accept professional help they cannot change. Because, you cannot know what you don't know, you cannot feel what you don't feel and you can't change what you're not aware of. The man below said it perfectly too "You will become a shell of what you used to be" but that is what some need, because no one gets a fucking free pass anymore.

Leave it

OMG - my ex DA would say the same to me. I am loving, warm and nurturing but NOT a mother to him; It was sick.

This was a year ago, but I would say you don't have a chance. And if you got back together you're probably broken up again. Can we get n update?

Hello I think it’s a bit late but there is a difference between jealousy, and abandonment and finding someone better, jealousy is that your partner is just not okay with you receiving attention from someone else while an anxious person will feel like if you meet someone better you might leave him. It comes from a big lack of validation usually from parents in early childhood

The thing is … no one seems to embrace commitment, monogamy, selfless love. If your partner was truly selfless… he wouldn’t care if you had “me time” (going out/going to parties) . If you really were selfless and loved him, you would express that and validate your loyalty to him so he wouldn’t get jealous. When 2 people look out for the others interest before their own interest, a relationship can be reciprocal with each other’s individual love languages. As far as validation, eh my parents and coaches and teachers all supported and encouraged me through out my entire life. My problem , the one I fell in love with is not capable of doing that . In the beginning, it was all love bombing and a show. Hell , that lasted about 5 years. Then when she graduated 8 years of college and became high status… she all of a sudden needed space and needed to find herself. I rolled out the red carpet for her, treated her like a queen. Got made fun of by my friends for loving her too much, supporting her too much, by always being there for her. Come to find out, my loyalty and faithfulness and love and kindness and understanding and patience was all taken for granted. After watching these videos and going to a psychologist, I’ve come to learn that my ex gf is a covert narcissist. It’s been the most stressful and hurtful revelation I’ve ever endured. I’m a warrior and have seen tragedy and have seen horrible suffering. This is something that has impacted me greater than ever imagined. I will never love someone that much again. It’s my fault.

@@walkertranger5746 Is not your fault to give your best, nor it is something wrong. She was not the one at your level. You just have learned an important lesson. To not love somebody more than you love yourself. Continue to heal and you will love again.

I mean he could be avoidant and abusive. Sounds kind of emotionally abusive what you're talking about.

@@stacynava8211 Are you sure ex is a true avoidant? Have you done no contact?

If the avoid you there's obviously some emotion that is blocking them from interacting with you. Like anger, resentment, fear. Maybe it's something you did in the past or what they imagine a break up has to be like. Sometimes they create a mental image of you to justify the break up further. Try to find out what it is that is holding them back. If it's something you did, maybe apologize for it. Try to get them to open up about it and try to understand their point of view. It doesn't matter if they are "right". Just try to understand where they are coming from and empathize with it

@@MonotoniTV are you saying this because you are an avoidant?

They're going to go through crazy withdrawal and probably come back unless you did something terrible to them or they have someone else.

Nope. This is a common mistake of an anxious attachment - if only I’d done this or that... it’s nonsense. The problem is in THEM, not you. The only thing you’re doing wrong is sticking around for more of their abuse.

@@lisabeaumont thank you

Same situation! He suddenly drew the line and disapeared. What is that?

@@lisabeaumont Indeed! I used to have secure attachment and my buttons were deliberately pushed so much that I became anxious. When I started to go back to secure the button-pushing started BIG TIME!!

@@mikaylag9420 no! Listen, flower: it’s not you. The reason you argued was his avoidance. The reason you freaked out is because anyone with decency would have contacted his girlfriend - arguments or not - to let her know he’s coming back. I’m seeing your comment 3 weeks after you wrote it. I hope you’ve kicked him to the curb and will look for someone secure. Watch a short series of videos by Coach John Bush on attachment - he is literally the ONLY person I’ve found telling the truth about this stuff. All the others are teaching how to walk on eggshells around Avoidants, and you don’t want that because it’s a no-win situation.