What Is An Avoidants Idea Of A Healthy Relationship? 

I agree with you 100%

Love it and soooo true!

Well said!

👌🏽👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

😂

They need to meet you the entire way. And you need to be authentic enough to tell them what you want. And if they can't respect that, then leave.

@@smokingcrab2290. How right you are.

You might have dealt with a narcissist instead. Gotta watch out for those too

I’m going through it now..

@@stevecooper7883 I think some avoidants have narc tendencies. In other words, they are quite comfortable with the world revolving around them and their needs and they don't see, or they see and don't care about, the needs of others.

Yep

It wasnt a hell for me man.. she is so beautiful and everything I´ve ever dreamed of.. She is literally the girl I´ve dreamed of for years and it had to end up like this. Many people tell me to move on, but how can I? She completed me, there was nothing I disliked on her. And yet here I am. I just hope my sweet little racoon will realize that the breakup was a bad thing and returns to me..

Thank you for your comment !

I doubt a secure person would be with an avoidant.

They can do in some cases, it just takes awareness and willingness.

Truth. And I heard avoidants see their traits as a "strength" so they don't change. For them, being an avoidant is convenient since they're not the ones who are exhausted, lonely and confused (the ones that are at the receiving end).

@@highhigh_ yes, my ex, very avoidant, partner and I did therapy and he couldn't get his mind to switch to see vulnerability as a strength. He only saw it as weakness and saw it as "being a little bitch" if he were to be vulnerable on the daily. He said he knew that was crazy, but he literally can't make his brain change. He was such a self soother too. Everything about him was about disconnect and retreating into his inner world. It's really sad cause he was a wonderful human with a great heart. I'm just not able to deal with that in an "intimate" relationship for forever.

Yes

Imagine being married to one. This is my life. She takes off and does whatever she wants. Best I get is a peck and a hug, and then it's no contact the whole day. Maybe once she'll text "how r u?" and that's all it is. Then I get home and it's chores, then dinner, then TV, and then I go to bed next to a woman who I cannot touch. She was cheated on by ALL 3 of her exes before she met me. And she grew up in a very masculine household where any display of emotion was looked down on. She's also capable of violence when she's angry. So any emotional topic at all (good or bad) gets avoided. I'm so tired of our relationship and intimacy level being dominated by her insecurities. I'm so tired of not being able to be myself with a woman I married and devoted my life to.

​@@smokingcrab2290Find the courage to *leave*. There's no other option. There are women out there who will appreciate you.

⁠@@smokingcrab2290pls do yourself a favor and get out of this mess. This sounds more like a situationship to me than a marriage. And what’s the point of staying when your partner feels like a housemate you share a bed with at most.

Yep. Your own sanity and mental health is not worth sacrificing to someone who doesn’t give AF about you and will likely replace you at the end of the day

And it's all the avoidants fault.

You nailed this on the head

@emilytee67 WOW! Having been in this kind of relationship for about 50 years until "death did us part" I often had the feeling I was living in Dante's Inferno. While I never really questioned that my husband and I truly loved each other (Who else would you find yourself in such a situation with?), I found it more than puzzling. What the hell was going on here????!!!!!! As we grew older, together and not together, I did what I needed to do to save myself. #1. I told him that since we were old, I was not going to leave him - out of basic human decentcy. (Apparently that was a reassurance he needed, as a small smile peeped out on his lips. You have to remember old people without a "protector" are in potential danger of being institutionalized; that was true for both of us.) #2. I set about doing the things I loved to do, things I had partially curtailed because of his reaction to them. ( OH GLORY! MY LIFE RESTORED & RENEWED!) #3. I told him it was time for him to "update his files". In my life I had seen people never come to terms with traumas that had happened to them when they were young, no matter how old they got. "Update your files" meant "look at your life now to see if the same conditions exist now as had existed when you were young." ( This recognizes that adaptations which were appropriate at a younger stage of life might not be appropriate now.) To my surprise, he actually did this. It was as if he had been waiting for me to figure out how to get US out of the mess we were in. He went off by himself for hours and hours and emerged each day with insights for several months. I just accepted them matter-of-factly. It was important that he was coming to recognize that he lived in a different world than he had lived in when he was young. #4. I told him his vascillating between loving and contemptuous hurt me deeply, and I could no longer cooperate with and bear this abuse. I couldn't take it anymore. (My love for him depended upon his consistent acceptance of my love for him.) In the way of these things, he was pained that he had hurt me so, and he understood and was deeply sorry for it. His empathy with my pain showed his love for me. We lived the last year of his life in a kind of scary new world of relationship. I say scary because I could see he had totally opened himself and trusted me, and he was much more sensitive than I had any hint of in 50 years of marriage. He treated me as if I were lovely. But, I am not without flaws - a fact I know so well - and it takes me a while to adapt to new situations. This was a new situation. But I had to have faith he would be as understanding as I was trying to be. And so, the last few months of his life, we were kind and loving to each other. It was beautiful. I only wish I had had more time with him, and maybe I could have actually been able to become lovely.

@emilytee67 - Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Your tragic, romantic vision is so true.

Coming back to this 3 weeks later. I've recognised this type of relationship is toxic and one partner has narcissistic tendencies. You don't have to put up with this push-pull bullshit. Its a form of manipulation that can really fuck with your head. I got rid of the girl doing this to me and have been speaking to a therapist. It's either a hell yeah or a hell no. This is trauma bonding. They don't feel empathy in the same way you do.

First thing you have done: realized it's not you. And then tell yourself many people are normal. Watch out for red flags.

That is a narc

Turn to Almighty God, he will give you the strength you need.

I am sorry to hear this. Please look into CBT and EMDR therapy.

Thank you for sharing.

Glad to hear you shifted something for yourself and your children and happy to hear he is doing the work on himself! I’m hoping things continue to get better and better for you all. ❤

His mother and all his exes were needy, eh? 🤨

how much time did it take to come back ? after he left ?

I feel your pain. My wife is the avoidant one. And her mommy and daddy are rich. So our last fight we had she took my son and fled to her parents. She will never come to her senses because she will never understand what it's like to not have mommy and daddy to be there to rescue her. And she knows what she's doing to me, and as a result she told me "if you're really that unhappy, then maybe you should just leave".

My wife stayed in abusive relationships with 3 men for 4 years each and all of them cheated on her. So now that she has a good man in her life, she cannot bond with him because she's too busy avoiding her issues. So I get stuck alone living with a woman who I cannot touch or talk to.

Literally same thing happened to me. He didn't communicate his needs, if he did, he would have seen i actually agreed with him. He made up stories in his mind, then completely shut me down when i tried to have a healthy conversation with him. Its very painful.

@@rhonnieminnie ❤️

They need to be reborn

Totally can relate to this. It's so unfair and disheartening. They take everything away emotionally and physically and push you away. And then say " I don't need help (therapy) I am fine the way I am!" "I'm not changing!"

Same here, when he comes hoovering give him kick in the butt!

Very well said!!!!

Think there are more avoidants now adays. The one thing avoidants,anxious, need to aim for secure and self aware. Lots of blaming blaming on avoidants, I understand why.. but its often people need to say ok.. leave or work with them and be secure

lol good visual! Ty 😊

100%!!

No one should say help anyone! If not married then just say good by and tell them what you see and then the ball is in their court.

2 decades?? Oh no!! Hope you got out finally!🙏

I'm sorry you had to go through this for two decades, truly I am. Sending much love your way. I am of the same opinion as you, especially in the first sentence there, its not that we need constant reassurance or affimation, but at the very least, the BASICS that you would assume two people would do and say for each other while being in a relationship would be enough. Just a little bit of emotional reassurance if you are feeling down. Someone to hear you out. Someone to actually give you some 1 on 1 time. Its like asking for the world if you are talking to the DAs that I have met at least.

Did they ever try to "fight for you" or the relationship?

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

​@@mmt2310DA's don't fight they run in the opposite direction they perceive the conflict coming from. They are all some type of hybrid cowardly narcs.

My god....😕

I got second hand embarrassment from this

At first he was really loving so I had no idea he's an avoidant. I can't understand if the emotional and verbal abuse (blaming, not accepting responsibility, telling me this reason is not important enough to argue about, gaslight, calling names etc) was his true self or him being in pressure. I tried so hard to make it work and I wanted to leave after he called me names and disappeared for days but he seemed to understand his mistake and I wanted to give it a last chance. He ended up leaving me 3 weeks later on my birthday

In mid-October, seemingly because of an unanswered text, I walked away from my avoidant. I just couldn't take it anymore. It really wasn't about the single text but about the pattern that was exemplified by that last straw of an unanswered text. I had poured my whole heart into him and invited him to be a part of my life in a much more integrated and holistic way, but he maintained an arms-length distance throughout. He drew close when he needed me, but after he got what he needed he would disappear. My attention was an oasis that he could draw from, but I got very little in return. The anxiety that this produced, the sense of walking on eggshells and not knowing where I stood, after nearly two years finally drove me to unplug. So I'm the one who disconnected from him, as a form of self-care and self-rescue. But knowing how much this had to have hurt him, I'm devastated. I could never intentionally hurt him but I know this hurt him tremendously. He has blocked me and is not talking to me. The inability to communicate and reassure him that I do love him is extremely difficult. I know he's using this as a justification for his distrust of deeper connection.

Nobody can tell you what to do, but either way you choose trust it

You're saving yourself. Not abandoning him.

We need more than❤, respect,empathy, communication skills

I feel you bro . Just move on from her. She ain't worth your time ur health matters

It may sound petty but I broke up with my DA over an unanswered text. Not because of one unanswered text and not because I'm so needy that I needed him to reply immediately. I broke up because of the continued pattern of neglect and dismissive disregard for me was finally too much. After 5 days of no communication, I took time (I'm busy too, right?) to reach out to say I cared and was thinking of him but it meant nothing apparently. He left my text unanswered for 6 hours and then of course by midnight I knew he had gone to bed - having chosen to ignore me. (I could see he was online through the night). The way that made me feel was so bad, and I had felt that way so many times, that I just said to myself: " No more! I never want to feel this way again and this behavior is the reason why I feel this way." I unplugged.

@@keshavadasagood for you! I just did the same. It doesn't make the loss any less painful, but only a week out and I realize I'm doing ok.

You sound desperate and needy bro. Move on!

I can relate 100%. My avoidant man was okay not texting/calling for 5 days plus. I told him how much him not replying to my texts bothers me and he would adjust only to go back a while later. I felt he didn’t care about me. When I needed support he kinda ran away. I eventually left because I knew no matter how much I liked him he couldn’t give me what I needed. It’s heartbreaking .. but better now than being married and with kids.

Very well put!! That just about sums it up for me 🤦‍♀️

Love should be understood from both sides. You sound unsensitive and eager to just give gifts and get on with the act . Guess avoidants need to be paired with other fragiles. Cuz avoidants wont judge , be honest and trustworthy.

@@tpilot_error404 your words not mine “love should be understood from both sides”, yet the other person expects you to roll over 🤔🙄👌👉NOPE!

Sounds a lot like narcissism

@@Ssssssmmmmmmmmm a narcisst wont run , they want to be needed and adored. An avoident is independent. One is motivated by selfishness ,envy and greed. The other by self preservation and defence.

Bingo! You cannot set yourself on fire to keep them warm. As much as I loved him, my mental health and self-worth come first. We ALL have deep wounds/fears and attachment styles - but I am not a coward and I have the courage to handle my s**t.

Oh my goodness!! Well said!!!!! 🏆

I was just in a relationship with a DÁ and I am the one getting Therapy He literally drove me nuts!!!!!

Same here, was fine in myself before meeting him and now questioning myself. It's incredibly damaging.

Good luck as soon as many very unhealthy people! Most people are not introspective at all!

You are talking about a narcissist... not all avoidants are narcissistic

Exactly what I heard over and over again… that the avoidant rather makes the secure anxious. Or that a secure person wouldn’t even choose that type of relationship.

This is true.

Exactly what happened to me

Holy shit I felt this in my bones. This is literally what I'm going through. Dear God. Im married to one and I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Finally, a positive storyon avoidants. Thank you so much for this.

@@nataliemakube4301 ❤️

This gives me great hope! My guy was finally opening up to me and I admit, I was "pushy" into he beginning and finally understood his pov. He's a sweet guy and I was starting to fall in love but he broke up with me on Monday. I told him that I admit things I need caused him to withdraw and I now know I shouldn't have "needed" him to soothe me. I asked him if he would reconsider a reconcile and he said he thinks it's best we move on (plus he's going through personal things atm) . I don't want us to end it I have seem great improvement on both of our sides (miscommunication issues)... from you're experience,do you think he'll come back to me? I really did start to love him (we dated 6 months but he has withdrawn about 4 times now)

Another question: I'm giving him the break up (since he asked tk break up) and I want to know if this will make him reconsider getting back as well ( since I'm giving him his space)

@@fine_Geh this is really hard to say. I would love to say that it will work but it just depends on him and how far into his avoidance he really is. I think you are doing the best thing you can do and no contact is going to be your best chance. That means, no contact at all. No comments on social media, no random “how are you doing” or “I’m thinking about you texts”. Nothing. Complete silence. Give it time. To you a few days or a week can feel like forever but to them, it could take a whole month before they realize that you distanced yourself. I’m not suggesting you wait it out for him and put your life on hold, you need to keep moving forward and just do your thing. You don’t have to date or seek out another relationship right away or anything. In fact, if your feeling in love with this guy, I wouldn’t suggest doing that until you feel like you have really come to terms with your break up. It’s like the old saying “if you love someone, let them go, if they come back, they are yours”. That doesn’t always hold true but Avoidants really do not take words to heart. You can tell him you have realized that you were too pushy or needy of him and you will back off, that isn’t going to do it for him. He needs to see this. So if he does come back, it’s important to remember this and to have your own life and independence separate from him. I know a lot of people do not like this idea and disagree with it but it worked so well for me and eventually the dynamic changed once my partner truly opened himself to me but I let him initiate everything. I was always indifferent to when we hung out, when we have sex, when we said “love you”. I would let him initiate the open conversations and most important when I knew he needed space, I would give that to him until HE was ready to talk. This can be very difficult but if you really accept and embrace that you are your own person and responsible for your own feelings and do not need to rely on him to feel “good” it’s easier. I hope it does work out for you but I do not have a lot of experience with this aspect of it because we never went through the breaking up process. Keep me updated please!! 😊

Agreed

I had the exact same experience

Agree. I had the same exp. U re not alone

Just my personal opinion, all DA's are some type of cowardly hybrid narcs that will always run in the opposite direction they perceive the conflict coming from, therefore there will never be any healthy resolution to any conflict. Run....don't walk.

It’s like they lack empathy

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔

Contert her right now 💌.....

十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...

I know…it’s so very exhausting

See I have experience with an avoidant for 4 years..... Just leave it We deserve better people I tried to even help them fix their issue ....but we are not psychiatrists ok. All my love always went waste....ik they too love me but in their way...which is not the good way..atleast for us @Eu Mesma

Me too, have recently gotten engaged. Still have lack of communication, not responding to txts. Even said we won't live together when we get married. It's long distance as well. Mentally draining

Yes, they drain you on every level

@@beaker7353you won't live together with them when you get married? That's weird, are they overseas?? Sounds like a scam. Why are you "marrying" this person? Doesn't sound like a marriage.

Turns! ❤. I approve this message!

Yep 💯

@Flagirl1985 ya online without even meeting is creepy to get love bombed fr. You were probably smart to run. For me at the time I felt like this person just wanted to know if we were compatible and I actually really liked them so I brushed it off and kinda got into it. HUGE MISTAKE. I'll never truly trust what people say especially in beginning, it's all about what they do

Oh my gossshh I also got the same thing! Exactly every single thing that what you've said!

@Flagirl1985 none of that behavior was that of an Avoidant.

@Flagirl1985 nope...I've met plenty. What you described were behaviors more of an Anxious more than and Avoidant, IMO. That's really just terminology and semantica though. The take home message either way, avoid toxic people.

@Flagirl1985 what you described was overattentiveness. You bailed based on some anticipated future sharing problems. If anything, it seems like he was way too eager, which contradics Avoidants' behavior. Since it only took you three days, that seems extremely quick to conclude he would be incapable of sharing their emotions. Three days is REALLY fast!

Because you love them and once you are able to see the pattern you're already invested in them and so you are patient and try to reason with them. They might say they'll change which will prolong things even more and there's also the victim blaming, the gaslighting, verbal abuse and the king of all, stonewalling Which will trigger an anxious person

Love. I left but my heart is shattered and knowing I hurt him as well by leaving only makes it worst. I “proved” his distrust in humans by also leaving. The guilt is killing me but I’m trying my best to move on with life.

Yep just leave and do it quickly. They need to be alone anyway although they will likely just move on to the next and never really be alone and properly heal

I was interested when I discovered that DA traits overlap with autistic traits by about two thirds!

Bro this is so spot on. I have Fearful Avoidant attachment but didn’t know it for years until I was faced with a really decent person who I’m also compatible with and I realized I didn’t have a “valid” reason to escape the relationship

Avoidants don't actually want to communicate or compromise lest they lose their "independence". If they were willing to communicate and compromise at the sacrifice of their independence for a relationship, they would no longer be avoidant, and therefore would find a compatible person. Which means avoidants don't find a compatible partner, they let go of their avoidant self and become a healthy secure person. Healthy secure persons find a compatible partner, not avoidants.

Thank you for sharing this. As an anxious person, hearing this from a FA is very validating as we sometimes feel crazy after an encounter with a FA or DA. I hope you continue to heal and hope the best for yourself and your partner.

@@Stellaxxmthank you so much!

I applaud you for being one of the avoidants who is taking accountability. Most avoidants just come on these videos to get defensive to all the hurt they caused other people. Its refreshing to see you own up it.

Same. The effect they can have even on secure attached people is widely underestimated, imo.

@@annebananne6835 attachment style is relevant but I think it's an avoidance of intimacy - intimacy issues

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔

Contert her right now 💌.....

@@Anna-ei9ng the intimacy gets taken away and you are left devastated and confused. Then it starts to mess with your self esteem. It's 💔

Doubtful a secure person would be in a relationship with an avoidant

Yes they value friendships more

Yes they will basically put everything and everyone before you to keep you at arms length

Yes, this was my ex, she described those relationships as “easier” granted, she told me she never really opened up with her friends like she did with me.

I don’t think so. I think they keep their friendships, family relationships just as much at a distance if not more. At least my partner does, the closer him and I became and he became more comfortable and open with me, the more he pushed away other relationships. He used to make a point to talk to his mom and sisters all the time and include them in a lot more than he does now. As he opened up, he explained to me the resentments he feels towards his parents and how he would have these emotional break down as a kid and no one ever helped him to manage or soothe himself. He didn’t understand what was going on with him and he learned really fast that he was left to his own devices emotionally. When he was finally showing the unconditional kind of love with me that he said he said he had never been shown, it actually built more resentments toward his family. He’s working on it though.

@@astridlove2327 i find their interactions with friends and family are also surface level. There’s no real openness and depth there

Everyone - snip this comment and save

Yes and everything you say as you coddle and walk on eggshells is a criticism. I remember even asking to see him more bc I missed him was nitpicking him. “No dude, I just want to see you more than a few hours a week. You’re ridiculous!”. Maybe it’s bc we actually give a crap

​​@@Eg-jd9zte too broke up with me because we only saw each other 2 times a week and I wanted more so I was getting cold on him when we were out. I also asked him to go to the sea all the time because I had no one to go with amd he didn't want to. He left me because of "pressuring him and not understanding it's because of his job". Unfortunately I was shocked and we were almost a year together so I cried and apologized. He still left because he said he can't give me what I want and he's not enough, but came back the next day.

They are crazy fr. They repeatedly do da same thing & expect different results.

Because they are infants basically

Pin point accurate

@@yswen828 Avoidants can love casually. But not committed. Committment is an avoidant's NUMBER 1 NIGHTMARE! So why would an avoidant ever want that? I know that in reality these people 100% lack self awareness and because of that they seek what they fear... Yet keep repeating these cycles... And WONDERING WHY IT ALWAYS HAPPENS! ''Why I never find the right one?'' It's an ultimate victim mindset. 0 responsibility, 0 self awareness. That's why it never works.... Not even with secure people.

@@nugget6635 totally true. It was such a painful experience.

@@nugget6635 no one else has said it better 🙌

These coaches keep them in the victim coochiecoochie mode. They will never learn if nobody acts like a human with feelings around them so they wont get hurt. It is like being with a todler that never grows up.

Truuue. Avoidants often complain that their partners won't even give the space that they need but won't tell their partner that they have this "need". They just disappear out of nowhere, getting their "space fix" and expect their partner to read between the lines without realizing their partner has a need for intimacy too. 😢

I believe they have insecure attachment style in the first place to became hurt that badly and unnable to recover.

That’s pretty much the same timeframe I have. I do feel stupid for going through this, knowing that things seemed off in the beginning.

Yes

Spot on🥲. He told me I love to argue and create problems and he's tired of trying to solve problems I made and that I should argue only about important things. In the meanwhile I'd say an issue and he would get angry, change the topic, stonewall etc so instead of it being solved in an hour at most, it would take days

True, with my ex , who used to keep avoiding discussion about issues, our problems continued to go for weeks , and later on to find out that it got solved withing just 30 minutes of clearly discussing things face to face . And later on she used to use it for her own benifit , and complain that i was the one who was making issues big and i was messing things up.

And for darn sure do not become ill and vulnerable because they will make you feel like a burden .

Hybrid narcs. I love this!!!

​@@thisdivinefeminine632 same. Had myself a chuckle on that one.

I wish this could have happened to my situation but after 3 years he blocked me. I'm left heartbroken. I didn't understand what to do about this dynamic until it was too late 😢

@@marcd2743 💔

I'm happy for you that you reached a dynamic that satisfies you both and that you can live with. Personally, I would be very unsatisfied with that amount of adjusting and strategizing. I'd just want to be myself.

Have been through the same story. Your reply was inspiring and reassuring to me that I am not alone. :)

That's very interesting. But when he comes back after a few days, how does it continue?

I'm so sorry. I have often said this about my person, how would he be if i got sick when he is like this now. He also left around Christmas. I am so sorry he did this to you when you are going through this. I hope you find someone who deserves your love. I wonder if they are also narcissistic

@@qitaeSounds pretty narcissistic. Avoidant attachment is not a diagnosis anyway, more like a social manifestation of symptoms that can be part of several mental illnesses

He didn't do that to you because he was avoidant. He was an abusive cheater.

@@swzslm1741 Check out "The body keeps the score". Complex PTSD that starts in childhood and the issues it causes hasn't been included in the DSM, the handbook for medics, bc the Pharma Complex resists it. The brain model "mental illnesses" suit them better. But they miss the real underlying causes and cures, which are behavioural.

DA’s cheat …. They’re entitled. They’re superior and in my opinion evil. It’s all wrapped up in a shinny bow for 3 months, then we all learn attachment style. They’re legends in their own minds. I’d never loved the imposter like that. The real deal, not so much. I wish him well but I think another avoidant is the only way for a DA to go. They’re aware, they don’t care. Truth

I was with an avoidant I guess or a covert narcissist. She loved bombed me. Was ready to move in after 2 months. She was fine up until 6 months then broke up with me. They go completely cold

I agree and you have to love how they promise you the world at first and that they can meet your needs only to be left with minimal crumbs like this isn’t what I signed up for. My new rule is 2-3 months before we are officially in a relationship, because most deactivate and start acting off into 4-6 weeks: you’ll see it early on

Run!! Avoidants will bring you nothing but heartache. I was with one for two years, I never felt so lonely in a relationship as I was with her. It's taken me months to recover from the emotional damage she caused me. You deserve someone to love you. move on.

It's not worth it girl. I entered my last relationship feeling pretty confident and good about myself, and left it feeling an insecure mess because of his intimacy issues, insecurities, projection and silent treatments. It took me a whole year after the breakup to start feeling like myself again. Leaving is not easy, I surely didn't want to, so I understand wanting to bet agaisnt the odds, but the biggest issue is that these kind of people do mess up your mental health and sense of self worth if you stay too long, so for that reason I can say with certainty that it is really not worth it if you're noticing these patterns.

@@Frank-tj5de Exactly, it is reassuring to hear other people stories, but it's crazy that it takes us so long to feel normal again after being with someone like that. They project their crap on us so much that by the time we leave, we have become a mess just like them.

They are sick ppl. It's a personality disorder. Very sick ppl. Extraordinary selfish......they are never their for you. Only their for good times.

"... because she is always the most important one." You just described my DA guy.

I think this is a valid point. I do believe an avoidant with an EARNED secure is different and that can work. I’ve heard this on other videos. The notion that someone has changed and earned secure attachment resonates with an avoidant if they ARE ON a healing journey. If they aren’t it won’t mean anything. I come from this from experience. I’m reconciling with my avoidant ex who is actively trying her best to heal 🙏🤞at same time I have worked hard to go from anxious to secure over many years (I do have blips). She’s been getting into AT at her own behest. I believe the earned nature changes the context. Earned secures empathise with the journey and are more empathetic to stick around as they have done it too. Likewise avoidants around an earned secure see someone who is self aware and working on themselves as they are. I believe Chris was referring to earned secure and I believe that is actually a second type of secure attachment.

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔

Contert her right now 💌.....

十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...

I have been with 3 avoidants. I started secure for my first 2. But my last girl I got in too deep and started to get anxious. I’m my opinion this is like addiction. Step 1 is putting 2 and 2 together that they are not right in how they make partners feel. Avoidants are toxic 9 of 10 times. But not to themselves. The only way they can ever change is if they suffer, that’s why no contact is good when they flip the switch. I was with a very avoidant person 9 years. They left 3 weeks ago. I reached out in the beginning and we met and had the spark. Then they went away. Now I’m not calling her unless she does me and I won’t get back with her until she does therapy and couples therapy, that’s what I will say if she works back in. I love you and we have been through it all, great intimacy when she comes in hot, space on the way out for my hobbies. Lol. This time though she started talking to a man. 15 years older than me, very very unattractive . No sex yet when I talked to her. If she does I told her I’m out forever. See what she decides. Very sad in her case menopause and mental health to boot. I will give her the shot and made it very clear. Deep down I don’t want to lose her. She is a huge pain in my ass - but she is worth it to me. If she goes I might find an anxious attachment woman. I always wanted that. I can do kinda close but really close is pretty great. Got their with my girl, next day she was unsure if she loved me. That’s sad

They are similar to narcissists... Kinda like the same pattern of a narcissist but instead of diverse forms of abuse, the avoidant only does stonewalling all the time. At least narcissists sometimes call us idiots or something... I actually think being ignored is far worse than being called an idiot... Because if the narcissist calls me an idiot of course I'm going to leave. However if an avoidant just stonewalls me I go crazy.

If you ask me, I think all Avoidants are some type of hybrid fked up narcs. Run...don't walk

Went from divorcing a malignant narcissist, healing myself from his abuse then into a relationship with an avoidant.. possibly another narcissist. He ended up ghosting me recently after what I thought was a great time together . Pattern of push pull ,sporadic communication after wonderful times together . Feeling of tenuous never knowing where I stand when leaving a date.

​@@nugget6635and narcissists at least lovebomb. Avoidants go from giving you bare minimum, to giving you nothing at all.

@@nugget6635 in terms of physiological trauma response, studies show ostracization and isolation from the group have more severe response in the body than negative attention or degradation from the group.

Perhaps this paradox is the next Wonder of the World…what exactly is in it for you to be in a long term relationship with someone who really can’t reciprocate emotional intimacy.

A chance to practice unconditional love, and true altruism. If one is only in relationships, or many other things in life for what they can "get out of it", then that isn't 'unconditional', nor is it altruism. I don't give to the homeless vagrant, because I hope he will appreciate "what I did for him", I do it so he can survive another day, no strings attached. I don't counsel the bereaved, hoping they'll "remember I was there for them". I give freely and generously of the empathy I have, to help them through the most difficult time if their lives, no strings attached. I don't save a wounded/ailing animal, because I hope it will become my pet. I'm just trying to help a being live another day, no strings attached. I love those who can't love me back, because they often need love the most-- no strings attached. Maybe if more people were concerned about, not what they can get out of any relationship, but instead, what they CAN GIVE, ... the world would be a better place.

@@WhiskyGravy I like your answer I really do. But that’s just not how it works with being with an avoidant partner unfortunately. Your unconditional love will literally smother that partner who is a true avoidant and it will turn them off. You will literally push away the very avoidant partner who you love and you’ll get dumped. There most certainly is some sort of perceived line in the sand of give and take in healthy relationships that’s just the way it is. Or you’ll be neglected emotionally. I don’t think your examples with the homeless/Vagrant/bereaved really has anything to do with what I said…..I think you missed the point entirely

@@spedhead218 I appreciate your feedback, and kind response. I *think* I understood your point, being about people who cannot "reciprocate in a relationship". That's why I gave the examples I did. Some wounded people cannot 'afford' to give back, whether because they fear building ties that overwhelm them, or creating a sense of their obligation/reciprocal "niceties" to you they don't want, or just a panicked sense that, if anyone gets close and learns "the terrible 'truth' about" them, (they believe about themselves), they will be rejected, so they'll run. Again. Self-sabotage. "Escape", rather than face rejection. I know, because I was one of those people once. The fact that all these defense/protection mechanisms don't ALLOW them to build intimacy/give back seems to evade many people who want to try to pursue these relationships, in order to "fix" this "broken, helpless soul". But as you relate, "smothering" them is NOT the answer. I at least was extremely suspicious of anyone who acted to 'like' me, as I thought they couldn't be too smart, or they only wanted something FROM me... usually, they did. Loving them How they are, Who they are, When they are, and getting "nothing" but the pure altruistic enjoyment of seeing another person survive another day successfully, IS an answer. Letting them be WHO they need to be for those days, is appreciated, I think. (Perhaps not the only one/way). I don't feel like I get "nothing" out if it. I get satisfaction of seeing him grow, get braver, a bit more confident. But I don't need his 'payback' for that. This is a platonic relationship (romantic relationship is likely different, I have no doubt) It's been 4 months since we directly spoke. (In a 2 year relationship) It's only occasional texts, and I generally let him come to me. Recently, he has started contacting me more often, (which is why I'm looking at videos like this now) with fairly 'neutral' subjects, (common interests, yadda) and he knows I won't chastise him and say dumb accusatory things like "where have you been???" Or, "I thought you didn't like me anymore!?!?" Most of the people in the group we were in (that he left) won't accept him anymore, saying he's cold, disrespectful, etc. They expect him to 'apologize', or be 'more engaging/respectful', before they would "deign" to tolerate him again.... But not me. He and I, We just take up, where we left off. Both older... both wiser. I guess it's a strange kind of mutual respect. Like: "sup", "Sup!", "good". For me, that's enough. He's "here", right? Says it all. I'm just always glad to see him come around, if he does, and I let him know that-- no strings attached. It's my way of ..."putting good into the world", whether anyone notices (even him!) or not. I also put grocery carts back in their corrals in parking lots. Lol A little at a time. Appreciate your input, and I'll Definitely keep all in consideration. I'm very aware that sometimes the ones who cannot ask--nor reciprocate/pay back for help/love/understanding are the ones who need it the most.

@@WhiskyGravy Thank you for your answer. It's interesting to see that everyone here says to run away from people who are hard to be understood. Of course, i accept, that most people have an idea in their head about what kind of partner, relationship they want, and if a partner doesn't fit into this, then there is no need to try it. But i can not accept it that they say that a person shouldn't get a chance because he or she is hard to be understood...

I'm so sorry you're going through this! This behavior of his is completely selfish. Pregnancy puts a very heavy burden on your body and your emotions. He needs to man up, but you telling him that will probably only make it worse. Argh. I would suggest reading up on how to ask a man for what you want, which is tricky in itself, and try that, so at least you did what you could and you feel like if it falls apart, you did the best you could. Blessings to you and your baby!

Go see your mother and father often and get away from that other hell asap

@@PrepperRapperFairy mum has been abusive since I was a kid and I don’t really know my dad.

My children are the best thing that's happened to me, so I heartily congratulate you! But make sure you don't end up relying on him for money like I did. My kids are quite happy and well adjusted even though their dad is very avoidant. He loves them and there are certain ways I've encouraged their relationship, like he enjoys reading them stories. (Especially now that they're old enough for the Lord of the rings, etc) Make an effort to build up a village around you. Different ages, etc. ❤

@@urteruddy8205 same…. Isn’t it wild we picked a partner that’s as abusive as our childhood wounds. Take this time to work on yourself. Love comes from within. Heal all your personal demons (we all have them) that way you can experience true happiness & peace. Your child deserves that ❤️

AMEN I love you for saying this you random stranger

It's true.

So sad 😢

So people who don't validate you should die alone?

Nailed it! Screw those people.

How can I call out his sick behavior and ask for what I need without being accusatory or demanding or without sounding needy or naggy? It's literally frustrating me! Help me with some examples please!

Say for example that he is stone walling you. You could say: "I can see that you need some space; and I want to honour that. (acknowledging his feelings - it goes a LONG way) "However, stonewalling is not a healthy way to ask for space and Im sure you wouldn't like it if I did that to you. Could you let me know that you need space; and how much time that you need as I really value transparency and clarity? " If he is overriding your own standards by saying that he needs a month without seeing you, you should also be able to say "that is not in line with what I would expect from a committed relationship" and then state what a reasonable time frame for you is. Avoidants really value this kind of direction as they feel lost in the dynamics of a relationship. They really struggle to communicate. If this isn't helpful for you you are welcome to give a clear example of what you are struggling with and I will try to help. @@ninaziva4639

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔

Contert her right now 💌.....

十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...

It is very much so one way rules and its so unfair

Exactly! A healthy relationship should be one of give and take, reciprocrating, not one person doing the communicating, chasing, work e.t.c if they can' t do that I pull my energy back and out then leave, there' s only so much you can deal with and I can' t and won' t deal with someone like that. A person like that is more like a project, I think they really need therapy to work on their issues not a relationship.

The weirdest person I’ve ever dated. I agree with u

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔

Contert her right now 💌.....

You should learn to understand them so you can spot the signs and stay away. Otherwise you may inadvertently fall into it again.

That’s exactly why everyone loves my voice is so self soothing and calm, relax, sweet. 😮😯😮 This happens in my app reality and getting compliments due of my voice so soothing.

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔...

Contert her right now 💌........

71? Oh no they don't grow out of it with age 😢

@@adoptioncorner1984 No my former was 59. Self proclaimed emotional unavailability, fearful of intimacy and not going to work on it Age is irrelevant.

Not exactly. But they can share similar traits, and can be both at once, so unless you are well versed, it's a bit unclear.

I don't think so. They're hurting you as a byproduct of their protective mechanism, it's not on purpose for the reason that they want to hurt you. Doesn't really make a difference in how it's received.

What is the first step you took towards resolving your avoidant attachment style after recognizing it in yourself?

No one is claiming to be perfect. But at least non-avoidants are willing to put in the work to understand their own insecure attachment style of themselves and their avoidant partner. Avoidant partners *avoid* learning about their issues and working through them, especially with their partners. Avoidants tend to seek detachment and distraction as a "solution". It's wicked easy to Google "what's wrong with my relationships? Why do I always want to pull away?" The answer is literally in the first result. And then a person can further Google how to fix this. Or see a therapist instead of dragging other people down with them.

YES!

But do you think it’s even worth it? I’m in the same boat. For me it makes no sense to remind someone of what yiu like and don’t like and what you need and don’t need. After 8 years , she knows what I need. Our relationship was never tumultuous. We had our ups and downs . But she claimed a need for space and “I need to find myself”. Typical bs…. 3 months of no contact . It’s been a year since us reuniting. The affection, the quality time, the words of affirmation have dwindled. I have always been supportive, encouraging, forgiving, loyal . I’m the guy that while she was in college and in school getting her doctorate (8years) , I cook , clean, change the oil, do laundry , care for the dog… and she never knew when she would get surprise flowers or something. I feel it is futile. People do what they want to do and being her security blanket all these years has gone unappreciated. Why am I so in love with her still. Or is it all a disillusion?

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back 💔💔again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together, I got help from a great woman💔

Contert her right now 💌.....

十2348156922414♻️♻️🎦🚻你好，很高兴认识你...

Lol! I was noticing the same thing. Thank u for saying it!

I've seen immature anxious comment sections, but this is so far the WORST i have seen. Just so, so horrifying and triggering. Never did anyone even once mention if they had ever failed the other, just blaming, convincing themselves that they "just need love."

Me, too. I broke up with the avoidant for not getting enough attention, etc. I went lonewolf mode to get over him, and ended up turning into an avoidant or stoic, myself. Really enjoy my own company and understand being alone is great.

@@yeswing10 According to the video, the goal is to become more secure. Not more avoidant

@@LadyR5394 I am more secure. I don't need attention. Enjoy my alone time.

As an avoidant, I wholeheartedly agree, and I wish more avoidants were self-aware enough to realize how much they can hurt other attachment styles when they enter relationships with them, and simply not do it. I only consider entering a relationship if I get enough signals that the person is as avoidant as I am, and I am upfront about boundaries. Do I want to be loved? Surely. But not at the cost of hurting someone who loves me, so I prefer to be alone, unless I hit if off with someone with the same boundaries and need for space. Dying alone doesn't scare me, deeply hurting people does. To summarize my headspace: "I will never cohabitate, marriage is out of the question and definitely no kids. I will, from time to time, choose to travel alone, that's non negotiable. If I lose someone close to me, I will want to be alone first and only after I've had my grieving alone time, you can soothe me. But if you are feeling down, if life threw you are curveball, if you truly need me, I'll do everything in my power to be there for you." As far as I know, I have never not kept that promise, but the words "truly need" there are charged, and to remain true, it is important that I only date people who have the same idea of what they mean as I do. I don't have the right to impose my views and limits on anyone, so I will only allow myself to start something with someone who is on the same page.