How To Cope...When You're The Friend Who's Never Approached... 

Hello! I want to share something with you all that recently dawned on me. I was talking to an influencer management group once before a brand deal, and they told me that when they pitch my channel, I am pitched as "problem/solution" or "personal struggle/solution". That is definitiely the vibe of this video. The problem is stated up front and my solution at the end. Please use the time stamps to navigate your way to the part of the video you feel will be most helpful to you. Not all of us want to hear about a problem in too much detail and some need both parts. Also, I'm clearly fighting concealer demons in this video, and I was being too rambunctious with my wig and it almost fell off my head. I am aware lol. Live and learn!

Based off of the incidents that I’ve witnessed, confident “ugly” people aren’t liked either. People will attempt to “humbled” them.

I’m always shocked how people don’t believe that women experience rejection.

Feeling invisible when standing next to your pretty friend is so dehumanising

I had a friend like this in high school. She was the “funny” friend -coolest girl you’ll ever meet but not like the rest of our friend group that got hit on by guys constantly… I have to admit I was totally ignorant to the fact that she even wanted to be more like us, I thought she was happy to be the cool, funny chick that guys saw as best friend material. Then one day we went out and this creeper dude was coming on strong to me and my other friend and we were talking shit laughing about him and all the sudden my funny friend got upset and she goes “even the creepy guys don’t want me! No guys like me, you have no idea what that’s like” I was shocked and tried to tell her “you don’t want that type of attention blah blah” but when I thought about it later I kinda got what she was saying. She just wanted to feel like the other girls, she wanted to feel seen, and wanted, she wanted to laugh with us about the creepers coming on to her just like we did, but instead she always felt on the outside, left out of anything romantic or attention from the opposite sex. That really opened my eyes to what some women go through and I won’t minimize their feelings again…But fast forward a few years and now that same friend is married to the guy of her dreams with a baby on the way and I’m still single dating “hot” crazy toxic men 😂😂😭😭 so she won in the end IJS. So to any ladies going through this, don’t give up, you may not get quantity but you may just get QUALITY, and that’s all that matters.

One of the issues with the “just be confident!” crowd is that, if you’re constantly getting the message that you’re not, in fact, worth acknowledgment of any kind, it’s hard to just flip a switch and decide that everyone else is wrong.

How can you “just have fun with your girls” when they’re all busy talking to guys who have approached them?

the worst is when men don't even want to sit next to you because they don't want people to think they like you because you're "ugly". i wish i could be treated as a human being for once.

In college I was working on an art final project at a cafe and my gorgeous bestie was studying. She got up to use the restroom and a man sat down and starting asking me questions about my art and seemed genuinely interested. Then he leaned in and asked if I can give him my friends snapchat info. Comforting knowing other women have experienced this as well. Being not conventionally attractive sucks.

Women should also be aware that these so-called friends aren't necessarily oblivious to the discomfort and embarrassment of their girlfriends. I think many quietly love the guaranteed attention they receive by going out with a woman who poses no competition. This is especially true if they meet or are considered closer to society's standard of beauty than the ignored friend may be.

That lady said exactly a 100% of how I feel . I feel so pretty when I look in the mirror but when I go outttt, the reaction I get from others really messes up with how I see myself

When I was in high school, some guy I didn’t know came up to me and asked me for a hug. I gave him one, a bit confused. Then I saw him go back to his friend group and start laughing. I remember it shocked me. Like I was used to guys not being interested in me but I never realized some people go out of their way to make the girls they don’t find attractive the butt end of the joke. Now I’m suspicious every time a man hints that he’s into me.

I hate how some people blame it on our "low self-esteem". I am neither attractive nor beautiful, period. I could be the most confident girl ever and no guy would approach solely based on my appearance.

Two things can be true at once: I can enjoy my time out with my friends and not be pressed about whether or not people are paying attention to me while also noticing that no one ever approaches me and my friends get way more attention than me

In a world of "baddies" and social media influencers, your pretty privileged video was a breath of fresh air. I hate that people make you feel bad about it, because all of us aren't being rewarded for our aesthetics. So this is MOST of our realities. The negative reaction ppl have is proof that most of us get online to escape reality and live in a fantasy.

That blue shirt analogy hit me. It’s not even about being a kid. It happens even as an adult at your job, or even social circles. Where you feel like doing and bringing out your best isn’t enough nor appreciated. It hurts. It’s not being insecure. We are human and we all want to be seen and rewarded for our efforts

I was at this Bible Study back in college, this new guy approached my friend group. All bubblely , enthusiastic, a personality where you automatically like as a friend. He talked to everyone in my friend group, shook everyones hands, except for me. It was weird. When bible study was over, it was desert time and mingle. I liked this dude and "wannabe friends." I approached him, his facial expression went from bubbley to resting bitch face. It got so awkward, conversation was forced and he was giving me one word answer, that he had to pretend to go get a drink to get out of this situation. Yet, he goes back all "bubbly" mingling with other people again. Even religious people can be so preachy but yet so judgy as well.

The need for sexual validation is part of survival as human beings. We all want to be desired.

I experienced this situation for the first time a few years ago as an above average woman. (I'm not stopping traffic with my beauty, but I do get hit on semi regularly) went to the club with my friend and one of her other male friends, and for whatever reason - for the first 3 hours she was getting sooo much attention, especially from females. So many people wanted to dance with her. Obviously I was happy for her, she was having a blast. But man, I felt like shit. Its hard as hell to "just ignore it and have fun with your girls" when shes being dragged away dancing with other people. That was my first time REALLY experiencing a situation like that. The fucked up thing tho, is that later in the night I did start getting hit on. And once that happened I felt instantly better. Which pissed me off. Because nobody wants to admit that they need external validation, in fact its drilled into us that you're shallow if you do seek it out. So to be faced with that reality was very eye-opening. Its fucking hard as hell to just BE CONFIDENT when the world tells you otherwise. The reason I am as confident as I am, is purely because I get a lot of validation. To act like I did this all on my own is dishonest as hell.

Honestly, it isn’t even the fact I don’t get approached romantically that bothers me. It’s the fact that I’ve had men not want to hug me because they don’t want to insinuate they’re interested. Or how easy it is for my prettier friends and family members to have a plethora of guys friends their to be of service in times of need while I don’t. It’s just not being treated as a human being because you so happen to not find me attractive that REALLY bothers me.

Just wanted to say that any man who deliberately and knowingly ignores a friend to come and talk to you, this is not a compliment. It's a HUGE red flag 🚩that you could be dealing with a potential abuser. Us ladies need to read the signs of what a suitable mate looks like. He is NOT the man who is rude, especially to your friends. A decent guy will demonstrate this with acts of kindness, generosity, good manners and be respectful with EVERYBODY, not just the ladies (or people) he wants to get something from. If someone shows disrespect to your friend, MOVE ON, he's NOT even ready for a relationship, because he obviously hasn't learnt how to treat people yet. And if you're the friend he is ignoring, thank the universe he's not coming for you. You want someone who builds your self esteem, not who will wreck it. It's better to connect with someone you share similar interests with, who you can talk to for hours, enjoy spending time doing fun things with, building memories with. That's what a real connection looks like. This has nothing to do with the way we look, but the way someone makes us feel.

I hate that people act like this isn’t a thing. They will gaslight you and tell you it’s your “vibes” or lack of confidence, when in actuality its the toxic, barbaric and predatory ways in which SOME men behave and it’s also the women who uphold these toxic patriarchal norms. It takes nothing to start off with “hello ladies, how’s your evening going? “ before leaning into the woman you’re interested in. It also takes nothing for the friend who is being pursued to include her friend into the conversation. Some of y’all’s friends ain’t shit either.

Everyone is entitled to have feelings. Full stop. But what I find insane is that the same men who will assault and shoot up buildings because they were rejected, have no sympathy for women. It's like it challenges their world view so they won't accept it. Also, this comes down to not just feeling unattractive, but feeling worthless. Some men really only have value for a woman if she is attractive to them. Sitting in front of someone to talk to their friend is dehumanizing. It's not just about your friend getting attention. It also devalues the woman they are trying to hit on because it says they don't care about her feelings, her friends, on anything going on her mind, they're just trying to get access to her sexually.

The woman in the TikTok video. So raw and vulnerable. It was heartbreaking yet so important to witness. I can completely relate. Growing up it devastated me to always be the unapproached, ignored or downright vilified friend. Men could be brutal and some women really weren't much better friends either. Over the years, I stopped focusing on my search for romantic love and my ideas of it and started focusing on reality and observing interactions. For me, the biggest pain and breakthrough on this came at around 28. I had two gorgeous, traffic stopping friends who loved to go clubbing and wearing the requisite outfits. These women showed up and men dropped like flies around them. It was absurdly painful and uncomfortable for me to be around that, even more so seeing that I tried my best to match their makeup and outfit looks to be still ignored. I was usually damn near tears whenever we left the place. But as I got to know more about their lives, I started noticing that while they were gorgeous and had many options, they still weren't spared from being mistreated, unappreciated and abused by men. It completely woke me up and helped me understand the social dynamic much better, which also helped me release that feeling that something was wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with me. I was just simply trying to fit in where I just didn't and to play a game designed for me to lose. Once that was clear, I began my road to "coping" with that reality. Maybe this would help someone: first, I stopped centering men in my life and started focusing on me and figuring out what my dreams, passions and true self were outside of what men and even some women thought of me. That kept me quite busy lol. Second, I stopped forcing myself to go to clubs and bars. I just didn't like them and I had never stopped to think it just wasn't my thing. That meant I started hanging out with my gorgeous friends in less pressure settings: having coffee, picnicking in the park, having lunch, going to the mall. Our vibe was much more enjoyable and I was able to relax and enjoy my friendships much more. I'm definitely doing much better as I am more mature age wise. I no longer worry about being approached nor approved. It's such a weight off. 10/10 recommend. It took some years to get here, but I'm super proud of myself for leaving that life behind and embracing myself as I truly am, approached or not.

Re: The story you told where the guy swung the chair in between you and your friend and tried to court her all night - she's no good. She should have blown him off for being rude. You SHOULD have been upset with her. It's not her fault that he approached, but it's her fault that he stayed around thinking he was welcome.

To me, The feeling of never getting approached when your friends get approached when you’re out together can be compared to the feeling of watching all your friends’ relationships end up at the altar while yours ends in break ups and heartbreaks and you’re like “what is everyone else doing that I’m not doing?”

I consider myself conventionally attractive (even though sometimes I don't think so), but I never had multiple men in my DMs or hitting on me. And guys I dated were always so shocked that I wasn't pulling numbers. Even my husband still doesn't understand it. Idk, where men get the idea that women are always getting hit on. I honestly think the only women who pull those numbers are the 1% upper echelon of the attractive scale. Btw, I wanted to hug that woman on TikTok so badly. I almost started crying.

“Do you talk to your homegirls because you dont wanna dim their light because you love them” she is so selfless! What a beautiful sentiment!

I've been the unattractive friend who was never approached. I never had a boyfriend when I was teen. Nobody had a crush on me growing up. I was not invited by anyone to prom. Nobody asked me out on a date until my mid 20s. My siblings are very attractive and they are my parents' favorite. My friends are all beautiful and everytime they tell me stories of guys who like them, I've always felt left out because I had no stories to share. Felt casted out, forgotten, worthless, ugly. I'm older now, happily married and with a healthier self-esteem. I wanted to tell you stuff I've learned. - I've learned not to seek validation from men. Like this video said, women and men find different things attractive. Ask yourself if male attention is even something you want. I asked myself this and fortunately, the answer is No. This gave me peace. - Consider that when you get attention, you get both bad and good attention. You can't choose which, and it's always a gamble whether that guy approaching you is a creepy perv, or a good person. As somebody unattractive, it's easy to think that any attention is awesome, but this is not the case. When you get attention, you get ALL of it ALL the time. Do you really want your random taxi driver to ask for your number? Do you want them to know where you live and offer to pick you up from your house on discount if you give them your full name? Do you want a random waiter to start awkward conversations with you while you're eating? Do you want your vacation ruined because the tour guide kept hitting on you? These were the experiences told to me by my more attractive friends. It also included being stalked, possessive exes, unwanted calls/messages, hacked social media profiles, SAs, being mistaken for a pr*stitute, unsolicited s*xual advances from your bosses or coworkers, etc. etc... Yeah, it hurt to be ignored in social situations, but most of the time it's nice to live my life without annoying and scary distractions like that. These are things we never experienced as wallflowers, so we take it for granted. Remember that invisibility is a superpower! Use it well. - I had to find something else to validate myself other than looks or getting attention. And because I was left on my own, I had no choice but to cultivate a diverse set of interests and tastes that make me happy. I am proud of the unique person I have become now, and I think people appreciate that. - Since I had no potential love interests to annoy me, I didn't experience a lot of relationship drama. Popular and attractive people have a lot of drama in their lives lol! You won't even believe! Even the ones that are in committed relationships suffer from heavy bouts of jealousy and cheating. If you're attractive, there's always someone new knocking on your door. Staying in a relationship is hard for them. A friend who's very attractive thought her BF owed her because she's turned down so many guys for him. Another friend's BF expected her to be beautiful and charismatic ALL THE TIME, and when she didnt live up to his expectations, dumped her. Some of my pretty friends are already in their 30s, but still single with a long string of love affairs. Me, on the other hand? Been married 8 years and my partner and I are steady, boring, and super lovey dovey. I like it that way! - I didn't find my partner in a bar or social setting. We found each other through mutual interests. Chances are, if you don't know how to work the social game, somebody compatible with you don't either. If you're awkward, geeky, funny, shy, or weird, your partner might also be like that. Consider that your type of guy might not even be the kind to approach girls at all. Good luck and stay happy!

This feels so validating ngl….whenever I try to speak about this I’m just shut down by people close to me because they see me to be attractive but I’m never approached and I’m trying to work through it…..it feels so lonely …Thank you Steph for validating my feelings ❤

The simple fact is most humans lack empathy 🙄. Like this is not a hard concept to understand, just believe people when they talk about their experiences ???? Like ???? Chile I’m tired. But thanks for breaking it down so beautifully, girl. Very well done. ❤️

The male gaze is so different from the woman’s gaze cuz I once had my dude roommate giving different low “ratings” when my bisexual self looked at every woman and saw beautiful. Almost every woman I see….just beautiful. Especially if they are rocking their own unique style, big smile on their face, unapologetically them is absolutely stunning. Men are weird…I’ll never understand them. Women are so freakin pretty omg, I need a girlfriend haha.

More women than men suffer rejection. Women just don't whine about it as it is considered unfeminine to confess that you have never been chosen

Its easy to say “forget them” and “you are beautiful”, on a social level it sucks to feel invisible. As a man I have felt this so I am empathetic to her. I remember I was kicked out of a bar because a girl thought I was ugly, even though she admitted that I did not approach her…

As a man I confirm: Very true about shyness of the men. I had thousand situations, when I was looking at girl , liked what I see very much, and could not find courage to make first move... going home drinking alone...and maybe somebody wanted to talk to me, waiting for me to make this move..and we both returned to our empty homes.instead of spending magic time together..life is stupid

I’ll never forget this one night my friends invited a new girl out. She was supermodel gorgeous. I was literally taken aback by her beauty and if I’m being honest I felt a little cool being in her “group”. However, as the night went on I realized quickly that I would never want her life. Just us walking down the street deciding on a bar, she was followed by 3 different men one after the other. (While in a group with at least 6 other women). Bouncers would beg her to come in as we passed and when she said yes it was maybe a couple seconds before a man approached her and tried to buy her a drink. She was never left alone. And the interesting part was it was never attractive men, it was always a creepy older guy. While walking near a line, a couple singled her out and asked if she’d ever done modeling. They began to try to seduce her into coming home with them. She looked uncomfortable the entire night. One girl in particular seemed used to this and would always step in and cut people off and whisk the pretty girl away. At the end of the night I asked her if it was always like this when she went out and she said yes. She said she’d been followed home from the store, from school and because of it she just preferred to stay home. Before this, I always saw these types of women through a lens of jealousy. I desired their pretty privilege but after that encounter I just began to feel bad for them. I realized there’s a different type of privilege when you’re “invisible” to men. You get to live life uninterrupted. It weeds out the creeps and the users. I’m out of my clubbing phase now and I have to say nothing in “real” life behaves as transparent as the club. You can have a fulfilling life without the validation of men (who are disgusting predators anyway). So for every woman watching this video and relating, just know rejection is divine protection.

i’m on the thinner side and i feel like there are many people who think that automatically means that i might fit “attraction standards” but out of all my friends who are all gorgeous girls of all looks, personalities, etc. i am always the one who gets pushed to the side by guys we are talking with and it’s really affected me. oftentimes i’ll be the one to go to sleep early, or dip out for some “random reason” when really i just want to cry. i feel comforted that others experience this and i wish everyone the best.

Here’s another variable you left out: ppl who DON’T recognize when they’re being flirted with. Maybe the woman in the purple bra (and others) _has_ been approached romantically, but because she’s unfamiliar with that kind of attention, she doesn’t recognize it; she just thinks the men are being friendly.

I remember back in highschool , some girls and I were talking about makeup . It was just a great conversation and then one of them asked me if I ever use makeup , I said yes . She then told me that I'll never be pretty , the other girls said nothing , I said nothing as well . I was so speechless . I still think about it till this day , and it wasn't the first time someone said I was ugly.

For a long time, when I was in my twenties, I was the least approached in the room. However, I noticed that the few men that approached me where the ones most women wished to be approached by after seeing how they treated me. Usually, I was approached by the quiet, misterios, geeky looking guy who at the end showed to be a real alpha by every mean. This is when I realized I was a type women attractive to a very specific type of guy. I redirected my femenine energy to those who liked me, instead of those who appeared as the dream male for every single woman (young, tall, athletic, handsome, charming and so on.. I married a geeky one who based on first look, I would have never imagine in a million years was going to make me so happy. We have a very desirable lifestyle. Plot twist: most women that knows us wish they could take my place on his life 😂 Moral of the story: like who likes you, instead of liking who doesn’t like you. No everyone will find you attractive and that is fine, but value those guys that make you feel as the most attractive to them.

During my teenage years, this was the biggest crisis of my life. My friend-group consisted of really beautiful and smart girls who'd at least get 10 proposals a day. They were all really kind and lived up to their images. I was that girl who was willing to do funny shit to make them laugh or that friend who's willing to listen to their rants and give them advice on improving mental health when mine was already destroyed beyond repair. Ironic. Many a times, guys would come up to us and initiate a conversation in which i'd get totally ignored. Sometimes, i would randomly give my opinion in context to their convos and they'd act like it never happened. It felt kinda sad being ignored like that and i started to see that "physical beauty" is a thing that matters in this world if you wanna get treated better. I have never tried to romantically advance on somebody, i was just tryna be friendly and feel involved... Another time, some guys in my grade tried creating a friend group in which one of my friend's added me. The next day she was talking to a guy in private and i just unintentionally happened to have heard the conversation. He was furiously whispering to her that she shouldn't have added me in that group. "Did i do something so bad that this guy hates my existence" was the thought revolving around my head the entire day. I even tried being nice when his bottle fell and i picked it up to give it to him. But, he just snatched it away from my hand without a thanks and walked away... Some people just don't see us unattractive ones as even a human with sensitive feelings. Sometimes i felt like there would be nobody willing to love or accept me if i stop being funny and extremely polite. This feeling really got to me during the last year of my high-school when i'd refuse to go to school cuz i was afraid about judgemental people and teachers passing snarky comments at my looks/weight. My mind started imagining top 10 things people will think after looking at me. I was taking so much unnecessary stress. My mum really helped me cope up with this feeling. Now, i have stopped trying to be funny for attention. I'm. still on good terms with the beautiful ladies but i don't go outside on drinking parties or shopping with them cuz that ain't my thing. I've developed an introverted personality after coming to university. I feel like i don't need much humans in my life except my parents and a few friends. I don't need to be liked by everyone. Romance is a nice feeling but i keep my expectations really low when meeting someone. Don't wanna get too hung up that i forget my own worth. Rejection and getting ostracized are very hurtful feelings but not everyone is gonna act according to my values so i just say whatever and move on. People who are quick to judge based on beauty aren't worth the time.

Steph, I switch my hair-up often, I have been different sizes, I have tried different clothing styles, my nails are always done, but no matter what I do not get attention at all. Furthermore, I RARELY (read never) get called pretty, so I completely relate, and have made peace with it. Going out with no expectations has brought me peace. I'm a firm believer of focusing on where your strong, and I do so.

What angers me about the people who say "you have to have confidence" is that its hard to have confidence in these settings when you've been rejected in them your entire life. I remember one time I was with my sister and we went to the California beach just visiting, and we were just standing on a dock and this very vocal young man walked up to my sister and interrupted my sister and my conversation, got in between me and my sister and started telling my sister how beautiful she was. He was annoying and loud and my sister was annoyed and embarrassed by him. But I remember feeling embarrassed being surrounded by all the tourists on that dock, and this young man speaking really loud, drawing attention from other tourists, praising my sisters beauty, while I was just awkwardly standing there (thinking I was just invisible chopped liver). And I saw many of the other tourists noticing the situation and likely my and my sisters awkwardness. Now that I am in my late 30s, I tried to take up salsa dancing just for fun, and for the social dances all I get approached by are the old perverted men. Never men in my age range. Now that Im older I have a lot more confidence, and simply go to salsa dance just as a hobby and not to meet the love of my life, but makes me wonder if I come off as just not approachable, beautiful enough, regardless of my confidence.

I'll never forget a group of men pushed me down to get to this woman...to take a picture with her. She wasn't famous, she wasn't Internet famous, she was just pretty and apparently she was so pretty they had to knock me down on the way to get a picture 🙃

Seeing these people get their experiences invalidated reminds me that empathy is given only to the privileged.

As someone who was overlooked/ignored in my hometown and then moved to a new city and was suddenly seen as attractive, I agree with so much of what you said here. Everyone woman (and man) should try out different environments…go where you are celebrated! Perceptions of “beauty” are superficial and vary greatly from city to city/hood to hood. It’s wild.

Wow. I didn’t think we were allowed to say this out loud. I’m so happy to see a video like this. This has always been my experience as the bigger friend. I’m black and used to be very obese in my younger 20s and had a lot of skinny and pretty friends. I hated going out with them because they always got the attention. Not their fault but damn did it make me feel worthless. But I always had hope when we’d go out that SOMEONE would give me some attention, usually it just ended up being a 1 night stand if anything. Such an exhausting time in my life. Now I’m 30 and just chilling. I’ve found my peace.

All of this content resonates with me to the marrow of my bones. I married last year at 50. I've been with my partner for 25 years, but I was never asked out in high school. Never in college. We're conditioned to expect romantic and sexual attention as women, and when you follow the rules and end up either invisible or on the end of baffling hostility, it messes with your head. There's such a huge difference between how this is experienced and discussed between men and women. I definitely got the message that, as a fundamentally forgettable or unattractive woman, I would either end up alone or with a man who would treat me poorly. When it happens to men, I feel like the blame comes back on us. Women need to partner and have sex with forgettable or unattractive men to keep them from becoming violent.

And not even romantic/sexual interactions can have meaning. I went to the farmers market one weekend, and I had a man just compliment my dress. It was a new dress that I’ve never worn. He was with his woman, holding her hand so it was strictly a platonic compliment but you couldn’t tell me nothing the rest of the day 😂😂😂

I personally like being the wallflower and weirdo. I've seen women who get stalked by crazy ass men. Be beat and knocked up, passed around. everyone is taking losses. I'd rather not deal with wolves in sheep skin. I like being able to dance and walk around with no one staring me down and expecting me to have a huge ass when I walk by. I love how a group of men or just people(bc women can be nasty too) don't pay me no attention when I'm around, don't talk to me,don't fake smile at me or nothing. Just leave me alone lol can't wait to live in a mountain bc the dating pool is a cesspool. Not worth trying to figure out why I'm not gaining any attention.

I can definitely relate with attractiveness to women. I get platonic compliments from women every time I go out… rarely from men.

I am so undesired than when I sometimes see people say "girls have a 99% chance of getting accepted if they asked out their crush" then I know for a fact I'm the 1%

i’ve realized after all this time that love is not an ugly woman’s game

Everybody knows being looked over isn’t a good feeling. They’re being polite and fake 100% of the time. We are all trying to make the rejected one feel better. The truth hurts. It really hurts.

I'm a black woman and also french... I can tell you how difficult it was to feel confident about myself or my african appearance in an european country in which white beauty is always praised, more rarely other types of beauty. Younger I was ignored, now I don't care if I am or not but I never really knew when & how I succeded in overcoming the hurt.

I’m “the fat friend” and have experienced this quite a bit. Like literally people completely ignore me sometimes. I’ve been hit on a couple times outside of the bar/club environment, and it makes me feel good whenever it happens. Wanting to feel desired is such a base part of being human.

I have three daughters. One 18, one 20, one 22. The older two, according to society, are considered conventionally attractive. My youngest, according to society (not her family), is generally not. It is not only debilitating to her as a teenager to watch her older sisters get approached and complimented by the opposite sex during her formative years, it’s bizarre and heartbreaking for her sisters and I, to watch her go through getting ignored while guys exalt her older sisters. It’s Prom time now. So my youngest has to listen to flowery Promposals for other girls with “pretty privilege”, all around her, while no guy has even asked her to Prom. Her sisters had no shortage of suitors during their Prom and both had dates. Two guys even fought over who gets to take my second oldest to Prom. How do you think that makes my youngest feel? As a mother, I think all of my children are beautiful. But unconditional love and words of encouragement from her father and I are not a strong enough armor against the swords of rejection and derision. We’ve done makeup, nice clothes and wigs. Like the original poster on TikTok said, my youngest daughter will get some inappropriate (libidinal) attention online only on teenage friend apps from other teens (that app has been since deleted). Never in person. I also must mention that public school kids can be cruel, especially some Black kids to other Black kids. My youngest daughter has actually been called ugly by a few Black kids in our community. She’s frankly depressed, in part, because of how she’s ignored by the opposite sex and is under the care of a mental health professional. There is only so much a person can take. I wish people had more empathy for women who are marginalized. Thank you, Stephanie, for giving articulate and honest voice to this subject and showing compassion.

How to cope: stop wanting people who don't want you back. You'll save yourself a lot of resentment and heartache. That's how to be kind to yourself.

Tips that helped me: 1. Start sending “choosing signals” to the guy you want to approach you 😘 2. Separate from your friend group for several minutes (ie take a restroom break alone, go to the bar alone to order a drink) and WALK SLOW!! haha 3. When a friend is approached, excuse yourself. (Why subject yourself to potentiating being hurt) or do like Steph said and leave. 🤷🏾‍♀️ 4. Speak and be kind to yourself. Choose you first!! ❤ 5. It’s ok to turn down invitations to places you’ve gone to before with friends and had negative experiences. 6. Attend networking events in areas of your interest (apart from your friends). People come to these type of events expecting to interact with others. Sure fire way to meet someone. These tips worked for me once I realized I don’t have to go places that make me feel bad about myself. It’s ok to turn down invitations to places I had negative experiences with my friends. I also found my own identity apart from my friends. I feel more confident and secure everyday!! You have the power to control you experiences by moderating what you subject yourself too. ❤

I think that's the part that hurts. You think/know you're attractive but going to certain places expecting to be approached and coming up short can be devastating. Especially when you see your friends having better luck. Plus, when you put so much into your look/outfit. I've had that happen a few times and because one of my friends noticed this, she stopped going clubbing with me. But yeah it's normal to feel a type of way when you're rejected/ignored. But also notice when women especially bw talk about it publicly, we're instantly a target of ridicule or a target that needs humbling. Many aren't trying to understand or empathize with this topic.

In high school this happened to me a lot since I was in a friend group of 4 and 3 of them were ‘pretty girls’. I was the only plus-size girl and these guys would come to me and ask me to call my friends for them they would get mad at me whenever I would tell my my friends were not interested. For me the thing that affected me the most was being looked at by other guys as just a messenger😢 my friends however couldn’t support me coz they would never speak up for me whenever their boyfriends disrespected me. Not having friends I could relate to was so traumatic for me

I think the reason videos about topics like this one and pretty privilege get so much negative attention is because it forces people to think about their own personal experiences. Fake positivity is at an all time high and its making folks delusional. Everyone can relate to not being the chosen one at some point in life I don’t care how “pretty” or “confident” they perceive themselves to be.

This is real trauma honestly idk why people were being rude to her. The only acceptable reaction is empathy and understanding whether you can relate or not

I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I’ve been the short/chubby/darkskin girl in a group full of tall/ slim/ light skin and racially ambiguous girls. When guys approached our group I already knew I more than likely wasn’t going to be acknowledged. At one point I just accepted that they were conventionally attractive and I wasn’t. I still had guys hit on me now and then and people would compliment my eyes or smile all the time. Much like the woman in the tic tok, I believed I was attractive, yet I knew most people didn’t see me that way. It’s a hard mental space to live in. I had a “glow up” if you will, and am currently the most attractive person in my social circle (according to how we are all received by strangers when we go out as a group). Now I have a curvy/ fit body type, clear skin, full head of hair, and found an esthetic that fits me. Now men of all types approach me, even the guys that wouldn’t even notice me before. The only major thing that I think changed was my body type. I think our society as a whole still places heavy emphasis on being “in shape” aka curvy, slim, fit . Pretty much anything but fat. I guarantee if this woman lost weight things would change drastically and that’s really shitty.

I have another take on the "I am the friend who's never approached". Although the fact that the "ugly" friend is always dismissed and overlooked, I feel like there are some women who are in my case and people do not speak of it as much which is discouraging. So I am considered as quite attractive and my looks are always impeccable, yet I was approached only twice in my life (I am 20). My friends on the other hand are beautiful and I love them but even though they already have a special somebody they get a lot of men attention. I have been wondering why I do not get even half of it LOL but it gets tiring and frustrating and I feel lonely. I am a hopeless romantic and I love Love but it feels like I am not going to experience it any time soon. Every time I talk about it to someone, they say that "it's normal men are intimidated by me because I am beautiful", it makes me feel very misunderstood and impatient and stupid to feel this way. If anyone has experienced that or wants to share an opinion don't hesitate :) PS: I love love my friends and I ONLY took them as an example to show you how much most women my age get approached.

I watched this Jubilee video where people ranked each other's mate. First the women ranked where they believed they'd fall together, then lined up. Every woman chose the African American woman as the most beautiful putting her in first place. The men then came in and ranked them. All except her boyfriend voted the African American woman as least attractive saying "Nothing against you, just not my type" pushing her to last place. You could see the confidence kind of fall in her. There are some women that are more attractive to the female sex. On another note, Jubilee is problematic to AA women, never letting them be the one to pick or swipe... but that's another story.

Oof how validating 😅 My friends always think I’m exaggerating, but I literally don’t get approached. I have pretty friends and when we go out, my friends get approached first while I awkwardly become a third, fourth, fifth wheel etc. But hey, as painful as it can be sometimes to be publicly overlooked/dismissed, I take solace in getting a free drink/food out of association with the pretty girl gang 😂

I'm so glad someone actually made a video about this. I struggled for years with this issue. Getting overlooked whenever in a group of friends. I mean 9 out of 10 times. Or not getting approached at all. Dressed up or dressed down. Ive heard I look high maintainence. I look married. I've heard it all. Till this day maybe looked at but never ever approached. I'm over it. Men are weird.

i remember watching a tiktok video w a sound on how men just act worse to women that they don't find attractive and i made a mistake to write a comment that said "men talk to me like that daily" which gained a lot of attention from both guys and girls.. the thing that made me delete that comment was how men responded to me in a way that they were basically threatening me (telling me to end my life and so on) and telling me i deserved to be treated that way without even knowing how i look, act, speak etc bc i don't post anything on tiktok nor they know me irl. that made me realize that you really have to stick up for yourself and not let anybody tell you what you are and who you are and what you should act like. people make prejudices of you without knowing a single thing abt you or your life

Im not done with the video yet, and i apologize if this comment is triggering, but I think your channel is doubly helping with this cause I (a 22yo yt man) now notice people, and especially black women that i genuinely didnt see before. I think there are a lot more social scripts for approaching and interacting with people who benefit from desirability politics, even if your eye for whats attractive doesnt line up. I try to be extra inclusive in my social life now and its been huge. Thank you for your videos! Youre truly making a diffence in my social scripts

I have also noticed that a lot of men approach women who they think will be easiest to get. Most men don't want to put in a lot of work because they are only looking for a good time. I remember a few years ago I hung out after work with some coworkers for drinks. Afterwards a male coworker was taking me and one other female coworker home and he insisted on taking me home first. Next day he told me that he had sex with the coworker before he took her home. He said that he knew that I wasn't going to have sex with him that's why he took me home first. So, it's not always about who is the most attractive.

At 18:29 really hit me. We do need the gaze of others to help us guide through life. I have been on both sides of the fence. I grew up in the Suburbs of LA. No one talked to me. As a teenager I hung out in Hollywood and rockstars would talk to me. Im in the Navy and I have travelled all over. Some places everyone loves me and some places they don’t like me at all. I just turned 49, and I never know what’s going to happen. All I can say is I really appreciate the few little compliments I get.

The issue is when nobody wants you. It sucks because I know I don’t speak for all women but I do want kids and a husband. I have a great job, I am independent and make my own money and I am in school getting my masters but there is something missing. That desire and need to have a partner is there. My biological clock is ticking as I am 30 already as well. That frustration is always present as you see others such as your friends getting engaged, married and having kids. No I’m not jealous of them I wish them the best but it sucks when you are left out. When you are the only one who isn’t approached it makes you feel left out and just not worthy.

I've been the friend getting no attention, and the one getting all the attention. Being the ignored one was extremely hurtful when I was younger. Now, I just enjoy my food and thank God for the bullet dodged. I've learned that it can be where you go AND your level of awareness. I spent a week in New Zealand in 2017, and the only attention I got the first four or five days was from old white men (which is a thing when I travel). Then one evening toward the end of my stay, while walking through the city centre with a white Canadian woman I befriended, she commented on how the men were obsessed with me. It wasn't until then that I stopped looking at my phone and the scenery long enough to notice the multiple men of various ages staring at me, some of them incredibly attractive. Mind you, none of them approached me (at least not sober). But had I known they were interested, I would have at least tried to make myself more approachable. I say all that to say, pay attention to who's paying attention to you.

Best Storytimes on RU-vid & I am so sorry. Socializing sucks in general because people are NASTY, vain & have ulterior motives. Erica Banks just recently shed light on how she purposely befriends women with a certain look instead of their personality/bond so that SHE can get attention while out. The world is sh*tty.

I'm really struggling to express myself right now because this video hit me so hard in so many levels. That's the kind of subject I gave up on talking about to anyone including my own therapist, because everytime I say "men never approach me and I wonder why", either I'll be gaslighted into thinking it's not really happening, or I'll be handed a list of things that must be wrong with me, or I'll be told to myself "out there" even though I currently live in a place where its local citizens are notorious for being aloof and sometimes outright rude to strangers. IDK man, I'm 31 now and the older I get, the more I feel comfortable with being alone, and the less I care whether people think my non-existent love life is valid or not. Between hating myself for not fitting the beauty standard of the week and hating men for not wanting me, I'm just gonna live my life and let people think want they want to think about it.

I’ve been told I’m “pretty” my whole Life yet I’ve never been liked or hit on. It’s really hard to be confident everyday in school. I’ve told multiple men I’ve like them I’ve been rejected each time. I’ve had someone show attraction then loose it just in the snap of a finger. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong I’ve just decided not to focus on relationships anymore since it takes me to a bad mental space.

Working in the stripclub I definitely experienced this working with other races being a black woman you will be invisible sometimes. It's not that your not cute or pretty but that's the way it is sometimes. And people will say it's your attitude blah blah blah

You are so rational even with the things that hurt you, so toughtfull and empathetic, and SO so humble. Its refreshing to say the least

"just be more confident!" girl im the most confident one here im js ugly😭

The scariest part for me is getting to that point of not caring and knowing that I was never offered the chance of experiencing that attraction. It’s like I can’t buy my time back and get those milestones fulfilled.

The part of the video where you discussed "being in the wrong bar/city/etc" made me wonder if constant rejection and the desire to be seen as attractive in the male-gaze has some people ending up being in relationships where the dynamics are unbalanced. How many times have we seen women with a guy and questioned how she could how so much going for her, but the guy wasn't on her level?!

I understand this feeling and it does hurt. I feel I’m an attractive person but I hang with lighter skinned friends and I’m pretty much invisible sometimes when we go out. Im kinda introverted so I just kinda stay to myself and look at my phone while their mingling.

There is one moment that really broke my self-esteem completely a few weeks ago actually. I was with my "school friends" and near us there were two guys, one of them is single so his friend, to make him uncomfortable, decided to invite the weirdest guys to sit in front of the single friend so they could "become a couple" (as a joke because the single guy is straight). When the other guys refused to do it, the wingman turned to ME specifically and asked ME to sit in front of the guy. At first I didn't realize he was actually doing this to make his friend uncomfortable just like with the other guys. At first I thought "wow, people do think I'm attractive?" but then my "friends" were laughing at me, encouraging me to sit in front of the guy so we could become a couple. But it was very clear it was a trick to make the guy uncomfortable because most people know how ugly I am. He could've asked my friends, who are way prettier, to sit with him. The fact that they asked me to do it proves that they knew for a fact I was single. So I refused and after this I have finally hit 0 when it comes to self-esteem. Absolutely none of it left. I have no more hope anymore. God I wish I was pretty so bad. It hurts.

I've noticed this happen to me as a straight guy with straight male friends. They get way more female attention than I do , which is fine but more often than not women who approach me do so to get closer to them , but Ive realised they only do it if my friend(s) attention is being occupied by something / someone else. I would say that most of them are up front about it and its pretty clear that I'm just there to fill a space until they have an opening. It hurts sometimes but the honesty softens the blow and a lot the times it's genuinely nice having a purely platonic conversation with someone without the pressure of feeling like I have to sound more intereting than I actually am. But I'm not going to act like it doesnt do damage to my already struggling self confidence

This was my story for so long! I’m married now, but I still can’t even recognize when men are hitting on me, unless they club me over the head and drag me by my hair.

I think another thing that people need to consider is that humans are hardwired for positive reinforcement. If you try to date, for example, and you keep meeting incompatible people, the chances of you no longer wanting to date will increase. So if you’re around friends who seem to get approached while you’re ignored, then of course that will put a strain on the friendship.

I was at a music festival with my friend when a guy from a previous event approached her. He literally said “oh hey, I recognized you from your dress.. and friend”. I was literally summed up as an accessory to my friend💀💀💀 male attention is an insult lmao. If my name doesn’t give it away, I’m queer so I don’t seek direct male validation but it is kinda sad that I’m acute about the *fact* I’m socially considered unattractive. I’ve expressed it objectively to my friend but she really… was kinda gaslighting me lol. Male attention is common for her and it is a genuine women’s issue so she probably didn’t think I could’ve been an exception to it. I get where she’s coming from but it felt weird she doubted my own experience and awareness of how I’m socially treated differently. Like I’m not stupid..

As someone who considers themselves ugly and has been called so, this is the story of my life. I never get cat calls never get approached. I don’t go out often anymore but I have certainly been in situations where I am completely ignored and other people I was with were approached, bought drinks for and even given free food. As I’m getting older I’ve become even more invisible. Admittedly I could dress better. I never wear make up (never learned how). I wear lipgloss that’s about it. I’ve accepted that I’m pretty much invisible but it still doesn’t feel good.

Oh my heart hurts so bad for this girl. From my experience, men are approaching way less these days. Then when they do approach publicly, it seems like it has to be the most socially acceptably beautiful person ever for the men to brace themself for a possible let down. So they approach people online, where it’s safe to get rejected by someone who isn’t (light skin, long straight hair, blonde, etc)

I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum. It’s not an excuse but as a dark skin black woman you have to understand that the beauty standard for a long time has been thin and light. This preference has shifted, but it’s still there and Sometimes you just aren’t that man’s type. It sucks that as women we feel validation by men approaching them, but it is the reality. It’s also unfortunate that some men are very rude about their preferences. It’s not necessary to be rude about it, but men tend to be very blunt about what they want and don’t want.

I'm South African and in Africa almost every married woman looks like you. You're beautiful. I watched your pretty privilege video last night and it was strange to me how different the beauty standard is in America. If you were in Africa you probably would have been married by 25. Also African men just love women period! Curvy women, light skinned women, dark skinned women, short women, tall women. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And there is someone for everyone.

Thisss is what I’ve been trying to explain for so long. Instead of friends understanding you they just say “NO STOPPP UR SO BEAUTIFUL” Makes me feel worse like I can’t go to my friends about it either. Part of feeling beautiful is how you see yourself and how others see you. Friends and my mom telling me I’m a great writer then failing every writing exam would obviously hurt.

you have no idea how validated i feel about your comment on this necessary “milestones” for adulthood that break us when they don’t happen. i’ve been thinking this for YEARS and i’m so glad to hear someone who believes this

I was the pretty friend about 5 years ago. I enjoyed my stereotypical beauty and my life was a total glam. When I was going out with my girlfriends I was the one who got the most attention, whose number was asked, who was the most confident. It was amazing, and to be honest I didn't really care about stealing the light from my girlfriends, even though I didn't do it intentionally. After college, things turn out in a way that I could never imagine. I gained a lot weight so I said goodbye to my old wardrobe. Suddenly the shops that I was trying so hard to find size 0 mini skirts became merciless places where I cried in the fitting room because I could hardly find something nice for a plus-size woman. Slowly my insecurities grew and and I stopped caring for myself. Now I am the invisible friend, the one who is pitied for her weight. I am sick to my stomach to hear "but if you were to lose weight, you have a lovely face" or "oh I couldnt recognize you!" Today my old confident days feel like a fever dream, and I am alienated with myself completely. The only positive thing about my transformation was that I questioned myself a lot and came to conclusion that I was not just the pretty friend, but also the toxic attention lover. Honestly, I sometimes question myself whether "falling from the grace" was my punishment for being so ignorant of how my friends felt the way they did because of me. Having said that, we never had arguments or fights with my friends and I feel happy for that. But that doesn't change the fact that I made them feel bad, and maybe even caused insecurities. If anything, I didnt even think about having this conversation with them when perhaps they needed it until I switched the positions with them. I dont want to go back to those it girl days. Now all I want is feeling confident in my own skin and be that supporting friend that my friends deserve.

Being straight is the ghetto, all of this sounds so exhausting.

Man, these comments are making me a bit teary eyed. We’ve all had such similar moments in life. And the questions that arose from them- am I pretty/ ugly/ what’s wrong with me/ will anybody ever see what i see in me, etc. I don’t have the answer but I know that everybody wants to be valued and seen and talking about it/ seeing that your story and experiences have been had by others as well is helpful. Let’s keep talking ladies and gents as I’m sure there are some of them with similar feelings and insecurities. Sending hugs and love to the hurt, disregarded ignored seemingly unloved and unwanted pieces inside us all ❤.

I felt this on an entirely different level that I wasn’t expecting to feel. I didn’t start getting attention until I dropped 80lbs but I remember how I felt when I was heavy. No matter how much I tried to look pretty, even with the weight. I still went unnoticed. I felt horrible about myself for YEARS. I still carry those feelings with me now even tho I know I’m viewed differently and considered “attractive”

This is my life, no matter how I look or try, I never get any male attention from anyone appropriate. I am very out going and nothing. It is very depressing, to see people who are horrible, or not nice get attention and I get nothing. I am in my 40s and have never had 1 serious relationship. Friends laugh it off and think it's in my head but my lived experience is me alone always.

This is so real. I’m asexual and aromantic, and I don’t like being approached romantically, and yet it still hurts when my friends get attention that I don’t. On a logical level I know that wanting romantic validation while not even experiencing that kind of attraction is just a result of my socialization and I shouldn’t base my worth on how attractive I am, that almost makes it feel worse because of the added guilt. Like I’m pretty okay with my appearance, and am occasionally told I’m pretty by friends, but I’m not treated like I am when I’m out in the world. I don’t even get approached or included in platonic settings, or sometimes people I’m hanging out with won’t take photos with me or post anything with me in it. Whenever I bring it up my friends brush it off. It’s hard not to take it personally even though I know I shouldn’t let my looks define my worth. So thanks for talking about it; glad to know this is something a lot of people experience.