omg...I had to deal with a negative comment. The person I was talking to, said actually what you said in your video. "That why I will never do that!" then they gave that little "I am better than you laugh" My brain was like..say it say it say it!!!!.... I very politely said... "That is why we are different." (could remember actually what you said..dang) And let the awkward silence linger. They had no come back, no laughing no nothing..... then was so nice afterwards.... THANK YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!
I like your response better than the video's suggestion! It's not as aggressive.. it's just a true statement - "that's why we are different"... BOOM.. awesome!!!
"What are you going to do, open up a philosophy store?" "No, I don't think that's a good idea." I just have to call out that this is cool as a cucumber. Very nice.
This channel is proof philosophy is useful. I don't want to study philosophy but I love it and I hate those kind of questions too, this was very relatable.
This is by far one of the best channels on YT. These are exactly the Videos, that i´m interested in and i´ve gained so much knowledge in such a short time by whatching them. Thanks for your effort and keep going. You´ve got my Support!
Imagine there is this jujitsu technique where you block an assailant's punch, grab his wrist, use his momentum to flip him over your shoulder, but then turn him in the air so that he lands safely on his feet, and somehow you end up face to face in a firm handshake position. If there was such a technique... this video's method is like the verbal version of that.
When people say something like "I could never do that" I normally reply with "You should believe in yourself more" and I pose it as a serious statement. Or I'll follow up with "I can help you overcome that weakness, if you would like help" I always like to be a little more blunt when someone is attempting to be rude, I see it as "enough about me let's focus on your inabilities"
Hey this is crazy I actually wat h a lot of your videos, have actually left comments to you too :p and I've seen your comments on other people I watch 3 times in the last few days, how weird 0.o
Not everyone that says that means it to be demeaning. A lot of people are literally revealing their weakness to you and being vulnerable. I think to take it offensively every time without looking into context is a weakness in and of itself. I have told a vegan idk if I would have the strength to do it because I admire him, not to put him down. Jesus, sensitive egos around here
This video is really important in helping cope with narcissistic abuse or just abuse in general. I'm learning boundaries for the first time in my life at 30! I wish I'd watched a video like this that would help me not engage and/or not take things so personal. I like how you use examples instead of just saying something vague like "don't let it get to you." But HOW?!!!
I just discovered your channel today through your GOT video about Power and I've already watched half of your videos. You managed to get a lot of subscribers with not that many total views, a very good ratio, keep it up and this channel will become big! :)
You have such a good point. You made me realize that I could answer "I could never do that" with "Thank You!", if the person meant it as admiration they could feel validated, and if they meant it as an offense they could feel awkward afterwards.
I say things like "I could never do that" but I mean it as a compliment. I'm saying it out of admiration, admitting that I don't have that level of willpower and I respect the person that does. It shouldn't be seen as a negative comment
Maybe it is about reframing the response to be about the person telling you what they have achieved. So: Well done for doing that, it's brilliant/ clever / wonderful / a real achievement. Then you are not focussing on yourself.
I have a little issue with your 4th point. When people tell you "I could never..." , they talk about their own insecurities and open up to you. If instead of taking it like an attack you just say "I understand". This give you two option. 1. Continue with "but I'm happy with that choice." and finish the topic. Or 2. start asking question about the other person and keep developping the bond with him or her. I've just started watching your videos and subbed, nice channel. Sorry if I make mistakes in english, it is not my first language.
legueu yea there are several points in the timeline of 1-4 where the conversation can shift to a more positive place. Another is after being vulnerable someone might respond by opening themselves up and you end up in an honest conversation about how to think about life choices
My personal advice is to not show people that you are improving yourself. Hide it, don't flaunt it. Let them wallow at the bottom of the crab bucket as you covertly become stronger on all dimensions. This makes your success look natural and accidental, leading to less envy and jealousy. Why? Because people will attribute their failures to misfortune if they think you just "got lucky". On the other hand, if they witnessed all the effort that you put into your transformation, they will be harshly reminded that their own shortcomings are actually their own fault. This, I believe, is what will create vitriol that could have been avoided. Let me know what you think, would love to hear your thoughts on this, even though in your case due to your exposure your friends and family are well aware of your self improvement path.
+DanyHeatley correct me if im wrong but if they think you got lucky then they will taunt you by saying you dont deserve your success and what not however if you show it they will put you down so you lose either way
+Ari Gabriel In those people's minds nobody except for them deserves success. You're right though, it is a lose-lose situation. But at the end of the day, who gives a fuck, you're improving, they're not.
+DanyHeatley I think you mean don't SHOW-off, if people are genuinely interested, sure tell them about your path, try to teach them something, you may learn something from them as well. I believe your approach is perfect for just about every peasant (90% of people that is). However, do it because you don't want to deal with their negativity, not because you can't handle a little envy and jealousy. Literally f*ck what they think, they're not in your league brother.
+DanyHeatley I agree with this completely. To add to this, I think people will be more likely to accept the new you if it seems like a natural transformation. If they know you are putting so much effort into changing yourself, they may think you are "trying to be someone you're not." In reality, everyone is changing all the time, so why not make an effort to change in positive ways?
+Joe Maule Spot on, "48 Laws of Power" elaborates a great deal on this specific subject. I recommend for anyone wondering what you are exactly talking about; google for a summary and look into law 3,4,8,9 and mainly law 30 regarding this subject :)
@@bathemeinchampagne Question about this. If you say no and you stick with it, the person might pout for a while and not speak to you. This is fine outside of a relationship, but within a relationship you have to then sit with the pouting individual who may make slight jabs at you for saying no. Would you consider this as inappropriate, and if so, how do you deal with it? To just break the relationship might be too brutal, but to engage due to their poutiness is to reinforce that behavior, and to confront it is to give the person what they might want, which is conflict.
"I could never..." is not always an attack, might also be a way to acknowledge the effort you put into this. I would say it that way... a form of admiration.
The one thing I can't stand out of all these is the passive aggressive attacks. I wish people would just be direct. My ex, boss, and other family members would do this all the time. I'll try being literal next time and see what their reaction is.
+Calm Banana Tell me how it went, I am really interested in how the people you know react to it. I have had so many different reactions from people, it is amazing: Some where just confused, others offended and then again others really valued me being more direct to them. But out of all, respect was the one thing that came back to me the most. It also feels really good to meet people who do not wear this 'everyday smile fit-into-society' mask.
Same here, I find passive aggressive comments to be the weakest form of conversation. Like I know you are bothered but we all gotta collectively pretend you are being funny.
That's because they are cowards who want to play it off like a joke if you call them out, thus making you look like the over-sensitive one or the bad guy.
Great advice for sound engineers. It's hard to work in a stressful environment and then have someone throw a negative comment in the mix. It's taken years to learn how not to over react. Thanks!
Hey man, I just wanted to let you know that what you're doing is a great thing. cutting people out has been difficult, but as my circle gets smaller I have developed more room for my own personal growth.
#6 has caused me to 'lose' a lot of friends in recent years. The result is that my circle has gotten smaller and stronger at the same time. I struggle with 1-4 though, it's hard to know and remember in the moment. Love the videos man, people like you make wanting to be alive and grow as a person worth pursuing.
"personal development has been my secret" same! its crazy how I've tried to handle certain situations differently, notice difference and think to myself that I figured it out. then watch your videos explaining things and think to myself "Yo! that's exactly what I thought, the stuff this guy talks about make sense!"..also i think a lot of this stuff you can learn from the "put yourself in other people's shoes".. helpful vids man, subscribed.
3:14 In your example for 'purposely misinterpreting passive aggressive questions', you answered 'No, I don't think that is a good idea' to the question 'What are you going to do, open a philosophy store?' This response seems rather negative, or even passive aggressive as well. Is that really the best way to address a passive aggressive question? Since you are a philosophy student, I'm sure you're quite familiar with epistemology. Could it be better to take an epistemological approach, for example, in response to the question 'What are you going to do, open a philosophy store?' perhaps saying 'Do you think I should open a philosophy store?' This response is similar to your approach in that it takes their question literally, but is not a negative response. How do you think someone would respond to that question? @Charlie, I'm curious your thoughts on this approach.
Brett Balsam Well, it just seems like a very serious question which requires an answer, and not a way to quickly dismiss negativity. I'm not saying it's a horrible way to handle it however, just not better than what he recommends.
H. Franzén The main reason I brought this up is that he is suggesting dismissing a negative comment with a cold shoulder, which I interpret as dismissing negativity with negativity. When someone asks "What are you going to do, open a philosophy store?", while it may be interpreted as negativity, the individual making the statement is likely just teasing. Giving a cold shoulder, or the silent treatment is passive aggressive behavior which I do not feel is appropriate.
Old thread, but... what the hell... I'm certainly not against "light teasing"... BUT I can't fault Charlie on the passive-aggressiveness of "ignoring" it either. In my own experience, a friend of mine was getting the teasing over his choice of Philosophy as a major, and the question was posed in a more collective tone, "...open a philosophy store?" To whit, before my friend had a response, I shrugged, and retorted, "No, but Bartending is a three-week course, and yields an average $40/hr, right up the road at a place where I know the owner... Philosophy helps with the general attitudes and therapy people want but refuse to pay for, so I'm figuring as an informal therapist at the last bastion of legal drug abuse, I'll pull an easy 120K a year... How's your Art History Major???" AND my friend (the ACTUAL Philosophy major was nearly on the floor laughing so hard)... While the Art History Major stammered a few seconds, turned brilliant shades of red and then evacuated the conversation. ;o)
"I could never" is something I say out of recognition that someone else's choice is something that would be difficult for me. Not an insult or an attempt to change their mind/actions. And it's not even literal, really, just a hyperbolic admission that they're doing something challenging.
You could tell by their body lunguage if somebody is being rude,they could say litarly anything as unsult and you will feel bad becouse they ment to hurt u
Either way you look at it, the statement basically suggests they are doing too much. It’s almost like asking the person, “Why be an over achiever, outcast when you can be just fine like me?” 😌🤷🏾♂️ it’s like the saying, if you don’t have anything kind to say, be quiet.
A lot of times I say that as a compliment. But to make the context clear Usually I start with : “wow that’s amazing . I could never have the discipline / courage / …. Etc etc”
I am so thankful for finding your channel. Hearing that you were a philosophy major makes sense. I was undecided major until I took a psychology course and fell in love with it. I believe that philosophy is the granddaddy of psychology. Again thank you!
It feels like when I ignore the negative comments, they get more comfortable with making them and people end up taking advantage of my patience by saying and doing whatever they want. I dont know how to get around it because when I do stand up for myself, they dont take it seriously and tease and keep going or laugh, but when I ignore it then they keep going. I dont mean they keep going for hours, no, they keep going for years. I just dont know how to deal with this anymore
Great video brother. Very good ways to deal with negative comments. If you love what you do, then you're right, it's worth it... no one else can say a thing. :)
RepO MaN you recognize that it hurts and let yourself feel it without trying to suppress it and then let it go and be mindful( see mindfulness and vipassana ) When it gets bad is When you suppress the feelings and they just lurk in the back of your mind and stomach - have extensive experiance with this tip long walks,painting, a diary which you do for a limited amount of time or just write out all the hurt and burn it actually like the latter best because it really releases the feelings physically. ( just gave myself tips which id forgotten for a while - Thank you for bringing it up!)
I've truly been repulsed by humanity after spending time RU-vid. It's extremely refreshing to find someone like you who actually gives a damn and is trying to help people. I just wanted to say thank you for that. The negativity can be overwhelming and we have to be careful what we let into our awareness. Your videos are awesome and I'm glad to see others think so as well. Keep it up! ✌️💗
+Charisma on Command Really??! I'm Brazilian...I was giving you video advice last week...now you get why? we just do that, right, a tad little bit intrusive but it does help in the right instances. :d
Damn dude.... sounds like you're living a version of my life that I'd like to engage in. DEFINITELY understand and sympathize with all the tips and stuff. Coulda majored in philosophy but went for econ for the "money" which I'm not getting right now lol. thanks for doing what you're doing man. You're making killer content.
Ah yes... This is exactly what I need now, my enemies are strong, but now I shall be stronger, yes they shall love me, but they shall also fear my might!
I really love Tip #3. Vulnerability really matters in making genuine relationships. You got great advice. I like your energy too. Hope to meet you one day and just discuss things with you! Keep doing your thing, man.
This is powerful, truthful, and simple so easily understood by anyone listening. Well done Sir. Truly on the right path indeed, you are a very stunning sunshine.
Thank you for these tips! I often get passive aggressive comments from family and friends for leveling up my life (fitness, daily routines, enjoying learning) when I didn't even bring it up in the first place. I am definitely gonna use these!
As a physician that have personal interest on communication and how to engage with patients and other people, I gotta say, you are awesome. Your videos are on point, well made, broken down so any person, regardless of their level of education, can understand. Thank you for your work, I really appreciate it, and keep up the good work. I have learned
I absolutely love this. I been interested in Psychology, Philosophy, and sociology, for a long time. I always wondered why are we us? What makes us do the stuff we do? Breaking down unaware habbits is amazing and I'm loving it. Keep up the awesome content :)
I use to have a "friend" in 6th grade that'll say that people would lie I was lesbian because I would wear red pants and for a while I wouldn't wear red pants because I didn't want to be bullied. But looking back I wish I would've said something and kept wearing red pants. Suggestions? (I'm not homophobic).
Notes: 1. Ignore and continue to do what you were doing. 2. Purposely misinterpet the comment as literal (for passive agressive comments). 3. Be vulnerable when answering directly (for more serious interventions). 4. "It's a good thing that you get decisions for you and I get decisons for myself, because if the roles were reversed both of us wouldn't be happy" (response to "I could never do that"). 5. Do not 'recruit' people or get them to also do your self-improvement project. 6. Surround yourself with people who share the same interest (communities, subreddits, meet-ups).
I had to look up advice about this because I went to a family event. I see them a few times a year. They really don’t know my life. Today I got asked so many questions. Example “why are you so quiet?” I keep replaying all the comments 😢
I don't really like number 4, it seems unnecessarily confrontational. Besides, "I could never do that..." is used as a compliment at least as often as it's a passive-aggressive dig. A much better alternative would be something to the effect of "Sure you could...". This refocuses the conversation on the presumption that what you're doing is good and opens the door to changing the person's mind by building bridges instead of burning them. There is certainly a time when you have no choice but to cut someone out of your life, but I'll be damned if I'm the reason why.
what if they tell you " why don't you try this" when they know you don't want to. For example, my mom KNOWS I am not a religious person and she isn't either but she is constantly telling me "why don't you go and do volunteering work with the local church?", Don't get me wrong I actually wouldn't mind doing that but It's the fact that I know she does it to piss me off that bothers me.
I’m a homeschooling mom of six and I frequently get the “I could never…” comment. I’ve always responded that we each need to do what’s best for our own kids. I never understood why that response left them speechless. 😆
The going quiet when someone digs at you is the most OP strat ever, you will make the person look like a clown. Ofcourse if someone is straight up insulting you then you should stand up for yourself. But if its just a small dig that you know wasnt banter then just ignore it and watch the person crumble in discomfort.
I loved this video. You made some excellent points that are relatable to my own life as well as some close friends of mine. Dealing with passive aggressive people sucks the life out of you. Sometimes it's not always easy to just ignore, I liked the chronological approach and real life experience you shared with us. You've earned a subscriber, keep making great content like this!
@@Charismaoncommand One more question , how to deal with narcissists in ur own family, many people will try to tell you leave ur family , and go far away, but that isn't always a very practical technique, like c'mon u have criticaly ill father in house, u have a daughter whose future is dependant on u but she is abusive towards u, suppose u love ur mother but she is over controlling, maybe u just find all partners till now were narcissistically overbearing , bad n manipulative, running away from them and breaking emotional ties isn't always only thing, cos if u leave them maybe u will find another ppl who may appear sharing same interests as u but as time passes they may take advantage of ur soft nature to bully u , wil u keep running away to find safe ppl for ur whole life like a prey?? Are there no techniques to be a leader of ur own decisions by living withina narcissistic family, are there no techniques to preserve ur confidence and act clever by counteracting narcissism of pll??
pretty awesome advice there towards the end! It IS hard to chase self improvement alone. lol you start to go crazy when no-one else around you shares your ideals!
My family are very negative. I'm annoyed at myself for listening to their gaslighting for so long. They STOLE a good portion of my life. I resent them.
I would say " I dont care " when I get negativity. And than they say " Well why would you go out of your way to say that if you didn't care. Your offended " so I have to resort to ignoring quiet. But than when I stay quiet they pull the " are you mad " or the " you're butthurt " card. So I can never find peace...
I always find these passive aggressive comments to be the weakest form of conversation. Like the other person is being rude and masking it in humor, and if you try to be direct you are the bad guy taking things too seriously.
Hmm... here's a polished version of that same dialogue. Hater: Oh, what are you gonna do, open up a _Philosophy Store_ Winner: Oh, you mean a Bookstore? No, people can just self-publish on Amazon nowadays, so I just wouldn't see the point in it. The flipside to that though is that writing books has become more profitable than ever! (*goes on about how the Indie market is expanding the economy*) Granted that's just a limited possible situation, and you Do have to be genuinely invested in your worldview and convinced in your stance to pull it off, but it will make you look like a Master of your own world. Or, you can just be passive-aggressive about it right back and ignore or deride the question, but that does not banish the doubts that person is having, and sometimes can even make things worse. If you care about the person questioning you on any level, then take a bit of your time to explain why they're wrong, then shut down any further inquiries on the subject if you don't want to get into a back and forth. You're absolutely right that on some level people are still just toddlers, but a good parent doesn't just pick up the kid without also telling them to be more careful.
Another great piece of content from a solid channel. I actually showed this video to my mother when you said not to recruit! I did so because of an ongoing discussion we’ve had about the habit of being a recruiter for every new step of life and how it has a tendency to alienate and anger people. It’s a matter of understanding that everyone around can support you without having to climb inside the same boat! And it’s wonderful to take steps to improve your life but to remember all the while that what may be right for you isn’t right for everybody. If you build it, they will come! Thanks for using your education to help improve lives by making philosophy accessible and applicable to everyday life. 🙏
Your solution to the "I could never do that" response from others seems so ego-driven. "I don't have to approve of you... you don't have to approve of me... I'm not really all that impressed... etc." sounds very defensive to me. Did you intend for it to sound that way? I know that works for some people and if it does for you then go with it. A lot of people say the same thing to me and my response is always "Everyone is different and you'd be surprised what you can do when you put your mind to anything."
8 лет назад
I got that impression myself...It's off-putting to say the least.
I stuided translation and I always receive negative comments like "so you spend time using google translator?" but I just ignore them cause their comments show me how ignorant they are about it.
You've just talked like you were watching my life. Thank you for making me feel "not that alone" and Thank you for all the advices, you are very good at this:)
+Guy Incognito They can switch over to farming vegetables and so on. What animal farmers do is unethical and bad for the environment and health of people. But change is slow so they have enough time to make the switch.
SomeSayApple running thousands of planes a day is bad for the environment. millions of cars is bad for the environment. Armies and their pollution machines are bad for the environment. Quit picking on the fking animal and see the bigger picture when it comes to the environment.
+Guy Incognito Well you're the ignorant one then. I do see the bigger picture of destruction of the planet. In our global society it is easier to change your way of eating than changing anything else...
SomeSayApple So everyone needs to change their eating habits because of YOUR conciseness? Quite frankly I rather see he end of sports(figure out how much they eat), business, cheaply made products, hairs dyes, makeup etc etc...but hey you think focusing on one issue that you have been brainwashed to believe in is the cause is going to save the planet. Of course you wont change your ways until it is too late. If you don't think business in general is the problem and say It can;t be changed and just focus on the meat than I have no time for you..take care, BTW having a mince pork roast this evening.
I never knew "I could never" comments were negative. I've even used them myself not meaning anything negative by it. I try to use in the context of "you do you". There's stuff that I could never do but I don't mind if somebody else does.
When I get the point of "I could never do that" I see it as a compliment. and say "that's okay, that's why we're all different". I usually leave it at that.
