Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation by Onno van der Hart, Kathy Steele and Suzette Boon: shorturl.at/ceBI2 Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton: shorturl.at/dJK04
Had my first heated discussion with my partner this morning where I said "what you said makes me feel scared inside." His eyes went wide and he began to apologize. I was so shocked! It makes a world of difference when you stop saying "you hurt me" and start to explain "what you did/ are doing makes me sad or scared or mad."
One of my favorite quotes is about anger: “ anybody can become angry, that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody’s power and it’s not easy.” Aristotle
I'm really bad with anger. I don't express myself and then it builds and then, as always, I burn the bridge and write the person off as toxic, when I know that I'm the one that can't communicate in healthy ways.
It is true, but we sometimes do communicate it, again and again, before we explode. And people often do use our anger to gaslight and mischaracterize us and refuse to acknowledge their repeated violations, while we scramble to make excuses for them once the anger subsides, repeating the cycle.
This video explains exactly what happens to me when my Borderline mom denigrates me and I cannot express my anger because it only makes her act worse. Sadly, the anger is internalized and directed at myself (anxiety, depression, illnesses). I'm well aware of this and I"m able to work on it now. I've accepted that I cannot change her, I can only remove myself from her presence. So far, I've been able to leave a couple of times. When I don't leave, I feel like I've betrayed myself. The best solution is to not visit her much at all. It's sad, but I have to honor myself.
This is exactly what I’m going through as well. My mother has betrayed me so many times, and I’ve felt like the bad guy because I get angry at her and she reacts super badly. I’m learning now that ‘loyalty is earned’ and I’ve gone back way too many times when I shouldn’t have. It has just served to hate myself more as she breaks my boundaries again and I’m stupid enough to think it won’t happen again. It’s been really hard to accept I have no family and no support 😢
Marie, Kirstie, and Sadie, Thank you so much! Three strong comment responses from three women that speak directly to my experiences with my mother and four sisters, aunts, cousins and even my sisters friends. The cruelty these women subjected me to (and the directions from them my older brothers only all too willingly obeyed) took decades to get over. The abuse was physical, intellectual (routinely called "stupid"), psychological, emotional, and social, and non-stop. There were no real resources back then. And even when they started to appear many of us were simply too frozen in past time to get out of it, and not from a want of trying. It truly is a process, not an event. But I would never think of saying that "women" are this way because of the women in my life. I think it's this that made it possible for me to find the love of my life. Though she's very well-adjusted and comes from a stable and reasonably happy home, she's very supportive of my recovery as an addict and family scapegoat survivor. For this reason, I was very disappointed (but not surprised) at Heidi's comment at 12:12. I understand that it's her channel, and I very much value the content. But I do think it'd be better to avoid turning personal obversations into universals for the purpose of passing judgment on any group. We really need to get past that. I'm here for the insights, suggestions and recovery. Not the sanctimony, or shaming lectures. That's why one should be very cautious and careful with channels like this. In any event, given the subject of today's video, I thought it best to share this now and not hold on to it. I do wish her well in her recovery journey, which, like the rest of us, she is still on.
@@fastinbulvis2223 I gave your comment a thumbs up, because first appreciate you sharing vulnerably about how you suffered. Happy for you that all the fallout did not stop you from finding a supportive partner. Second, my first instinct is to agree with you. Let's not flip things and shame entire groups .... and then I listened to what Heidi actually said. She couched her comment very carefully and did not make any universal statements or absolutes such as "non-stop" and "I would NEVER think of saying that" [emphasis mine]. Sorry to call you out but honestly before I even clicked on the time stamp (thank you for that) an alarm bell went off inside about discrediting a woman who is talking about other women. I thought Heidi was going to be pulling a "cool girl" routine, and bashing feminists. But it sounds like she addresses a common trauma response of people pleasing, which is real and relevant to the topic at hand. I won't hold it against you that you are a man attempting to shut down a woman speaking her truth on her own channel, because that isn't fair, as you correctly point out. The issue is this: your anecdotal experience was unjust but it also is not the norm, in fact it is quite clearly the reverse and maybe even a downstream effect of centuries of misogyny. I could be wrong and regardless abuse is never justified. But looked at from another perspective maybe it will be easier to understand. As a white person I do not suffer from "reverse racism." And as a resident of a native diverse community where I am in the minority often times, I have certainly known what it feels like to be targeted and bullied, insulted with race-based comments. It was unfair and upsetting. That does not mean I have ever experienced oppression. So for me to go to an AA channel and scold say, Chaz for how he talks to his female subscribers would be inappropriate. I'm throwing intersecting ibiases out now, but it still ends up the same. I don't get to appropriate the suffering of another community or police their advice to each other, even if we share important commonalities such as gender-based harassment, or income inequality or whatever. Not because my opinion isn't valid or maybe even objectively correct. But because I can only speak out of my lived experience and not into someone else's. I refrain out of respect. Thank you for sharing, again, and wish you the best!
@@coppersense999 Thank you for your response. Between both of our comments there's a lot to discuss. Especially since there is some obvious disagreement. In a way this is great, it gives us a chance to apply the skills we are developing on our respective journey's of recovery. In another way it's frustrating because, well, speaking for myself, I find the yt comment section to be kind of limiting, ie; not the best place for discussion, debate, etc. So, though tempted to launch into a fuller response, let me just say that, though I do disagree with you on some points, I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my comment. For me the important point is that we're here. And the recovery journey never ends. At least I hope so. Thanks again for your response! All the best!
Thank you so much for this video. I was reminded of how I was told off when I fought for myself towards my dad. He was very angry, shouted at me and I have to shut up. I internalised anger, suppressed anger and felt bitter. Also, as an obedient child and brainwashed by society that “angry is bad”. Since then, I played the role of a “good child”, repeatedly suppressing anger and sometimes I felt numb by anger. I smiled on the outside but on the inside, I was not good. As I grow older, I realised that the uncomfortable feeling I have always felt in my body was anger. I have kept them in for so long. The pimples on my face are also due to small outburst of anger. I want to make friends with anger and tap into the wisdom of these emotions.
I always thought boundaries were for other people but a friend once told me you also need boundaries with your emotional self, they are sending you signals you can choose to act upon or not.
I like this comment. Uncontrolled anger doesn't benefit anyone, not even the angry person. So boundaries with self about when, where and how to express it is essential! Learned this the hard way.
@@stacyknapp5548agree they also said anger was a trigger because your boundaries have been crossed, usually if it's not a physical boundary then it relates to a childhood trauma I.e. not being listened to or given space to speak and be heard or trusting the other person will listen and respond to your needs
My inner child worth more than $65. That's life changing. When we treat our inner child as 3rd person, real child inside us that have no one to rely on but our adultself, that's really put things into perspective.
I have suppressed my anger for a very long time. Especially when it comes to self-protection. I have been working on healing over the last year and finally, In the last two weeks, I have been able to get angry on behalf of my inner child two different times 🙌🏽 and express it to the other person. I was so proud of myself! I was terrified but I am fucking tired of being who I think others need me to be. I wanna be my authentic self. And this is my journey to wholeness
That example with the 65 dollars was brilliant! I've let so many boundaries be crossed because "its just more reasonable". I wish I'd seen it this way before
Thank you Phoebe. I've been learning so much from your videos. This one was powerful. I was viewed as an angry young woman . And could never see my own anger clearly. I thought I wasn't angry and that others were judging me harshly. I was though. It took a long time to see my anger and why it was happening. Childhood neglect does some strange things to the inner child outer adult relationship. I'm glad you spent the 65 dollars. I said out loud to myself / you. Thats cheap for the benefit.
this is me. I always tend to tell myself “it isn’t that bad” when anger comes up or if it’s very disrespectful to myself I tend to freeze up. I learned to suppress my anger because in my past I was told to not be so sensitive or dramatic once I spoke up for me or others… even when my reaction wasn’t even intense. Thanks for the insights! I’m working on it
Girls arent allowed to express their anger Boys are respected for doing so Boys arent allowed to express emotions Girls are mocked for doing so We've protected and used anger long enough as a shield. It is crazy how powerful that emotion is. None of us learned how to harness it. Im grateful we get opportunities to heal wounds like this. We need out communities back and honwst discussions like these save lives and the quality of them. Thank you,Heidi!
@phantless2203 more and more young girls can nowadays (although it should be farther along) but we were not able to say no to superiors in ways boys could. Girls were held to a different standard. And notice I said "different" because since I made that comment, it's become more apparent to me that boys aren't able to, either. Boys are stigmatized against crying/feeling sad, which ultimately leads to anger if repressed. Rage issues. Possible resentment, too. Girls can't get angry because it's "unladylike" and "attention seeking" when reality is we all have needs that need to be met. Hope this makes sense
I’ve destroyed all of my close relationships by expressing why I’m angry towards someone, but none of them want to find solutions, so my self hate only grows and grows and I’m never able to feel safe or close to anyone. They always abandon me.
Honestly I need an even deeper explanation of this. Talking abt my anger has backfired so many times with my parents that everything I know about it seems to be skewed
I think culture has a lot to do with me expressing my anger. Females aren’t allowed to voice much. I brought this into my relationship and it frustrates the guys. Which leads to breakups. This is great but I don’t think my ex was mature enough to handle this if I was to express myself in that way. Thanks for be a part of my growth process.
I literally just had a tough conversation about anger right before I watched this video about. As a DA, I am terrified of my own anger and other's anger. Or, at least I was. I've learned that anger is important information and that I must address it to walk a healthy path in life with healthy people. I've learned that I can communicate my anger with calm, with directness, and with honesty. It's truly liberating to be able to present anger to another and have it received in a healthy way. Life lessons I'm just learning in my 5th decade...😊
Yeah anger can let you know something is wrong and you can use that signal to be assertive and make a positive change. Doesn't mean you have to be mean. We are emotional beings and emotions don't' always make the most sense but if you learn how to listen to them and take appropriate action they can be very helpful and useful.
I’m holding my breath for the ‘How to stop appearing unthreatening’ video🎬 I hope you’re planning on making that one! 🙏🏼 About the inner child who is serious and put together but just can’t manifest herself in the full glory and plays herself down to appear unthreatening to the world. You have no idea how relatable that would be as it’s literally the opposite struggle for the most people, so no one can guide us through letting that self-harming-adaptation-that’s-no-longer-serving-us go like you🌻
@@heidipriebe1 That was what I was thinking about as well! I'm just so concerned with appearing unthreatening that I even become willing to sacrifice my boundaries and self worth for it. That video would be highly appreciated if you can make time for it ❤
@@ipsitaonearth5132also ‘power’ has a bad rep in our current world, but we all need to tap into our own power so we can advocate for ourselves as we go through the world. Otherwise most will just walk all over you and your potential will never be realised. Maybe it has to do with the Solar Plexus and your Willpower.
The anger that is frozen and intellectual, is the worst and hardest to detect, 'Oh, you betrayed me, i will ostracize you forever'. And of course i am in my right, i have thought about their mistakes for a long time. Or am i unforgiving and harsh? Sometimes i feel this is difficult to discern. Putting people in the freezer all of the sudden, seems odd. And still i can be relieved they are gone. Generally i find it easy to get angered or express healthy anger amongst strangers, oftentimes is find it harder towards friends. There i question myself and my instinct is to say, 'There is no need, i am fine'. And sometimes when they explain themselves, i answer, 'no matter, its okey, dont worry' Yet i am angered. It takes a while getting accustomed to venting anger in closer relations and being relaxed about it. One can try and play with reactions of anger, when one is not angry, to see that you and others survive your anger. Then maybe it feels more safe, when you are angry for real. Thank you
This explains so much. We are not to be afraid of our anger nor run from it, but listen to its wisdom of our inner child needing our help and protection. This makes so much sense. Thank you so much for explaining this so clearly.
I've spent my entire life dissociating away...well my life. For decades I've only been able to feel negative emotions (and positive emotions I associate with shame) if they are very strong to the point of being painful. I've recently started work on feeling again (with plenty of help from you, thanks). My problem with dealing with all that sealed anger is that it is mixed with a lot of contempt, which just causes a spiral of more anger and more contempt. This is compounded by the fact that I have a lot of anger and contempt that I'm dealing with now. How in the hells do I process contempt?
My issue with anger is more prevalent in romantic relationships. There behaviour 10/10 triggers unbelievable anger. Especially if it’s basic things like not self disclosing, any perceived neglect or withholding, communicating and emotional unavailability. I cannot withstand that person or the relationship. It’s not something that can be resolved. I don’t care whether they’ve done it purposefully or unintentionally. They just not my match. Therefore, I don’t mind being single forever. My story’s are true to me and I cannot resolve because what’s been done is done and the person has chosen to act that way in the beginning.
These exact scenarios are absolutely what infuriate me too. I don't have issues accessing anger at all, but I totally do that thing she mentioned near the end of the video - I basically keep putting myself back in the situation and getting angrier and angrier while they repeatedly violate boundaries instead of just doing the scarier thing of leaving.
Last night, I expressed my anger in a fairly low stake situation (a 2nd date) and explained how the situation made me less inclined to open up and engage. After thoroughly considering how I'd felt throughout the date, I decided not to pursue the acquaintance further. And that all felt quite normal. I'm resisting the temptation of criticising myself for letting the anger out because it felt measured and proportionate. And this was a big change after spending a lifetime repressing anger. Thanks, another great and really helpful video!
Thank you for all this. I've taken thorough notes; this is indeed a huge issue in my life. I grew up with an angry alcoholic mother and got to be a total people pleaser; it has taken me many years to not snap instantly back into that mode, and to seek a civil exchange instead. I've gotten better at fairly and immediately recognizing and communicating anger, and still fail at times, but all in all I'm getting better at it.
I've got a real issue when it comes to anger, you know? Growing up, my environment was all messed up. Nobody ever showed me how to handle anger in a healthy way. As I got older, I started seeing anger as this terrible thing that should be pushed down and never expressed. It's like the schools and other adults never bothered to teach me about the different ways to deal with anger. It's been tough, but I gotta say, thanks a bunch, Heidi, for showing me some new frameworks for expressing anger. It's like a whole new world has opened up for me. I appreciate it more than you know!
I love this breakdown and will definitely work on integrating your suggestions into my life. Your capacity of deconstructing and understanding human behavior is a gift.
02:57 1. your anger is not telling you something specific or objective that happened 08:00 2. anger has a purpose 11:00 3. philosophical perspective 15:00 4. how to express anger effectively
I was super angry on someone then this vid popped up on notification bar n i started watching n after finishing it i went back to the person n asked them why he said that things n I'm angry with that specific words. He cleared the things out n apologized as well n accepted that he'll work on this commenting style then we talked normally.... N guess what I'm not angry i really needed this video cuz i didn't know how to effectively communicate about your anger 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤❤❤❤❤❤ thank you so much Heidi for this n all the content you bless us with i learnt alot through your content this year thanks alot may God bless you with lots of happiness n abundance 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Exactly! I am learning to pause, look at the anger, process the anger, then decide how to approach the anger with healthy boundaries. I must first understand the anger. If I go off, and I have done just that, I always feel badly about it, especially if I reacted in a harsh manner. I like the pause button!
This is so helpful. I have always felt worse because I saw my anger as ‘me being the problem’ and I was in that my reactions built because I didn’t know how to do it in a healthier way. I felt hurt but then what? Just saying I was hurt and angry didn’t help me feel less angry but listening to this has helped me understand and this feel more comfortable. The only thing I want a video or suggested video/book about is what if I do need to set my boundary? As in how is that not ‘pushing them to be something other than themselves’? I would really like to understand
Heidi, you have a fantastic ability to communicate quite complex concepts in a very clear and relatable way, thank you for your excellent work on this channel
I am so thankful for you! God has brought me into my healing journey (at 57 years old!) You have been one of the top resources during this time. You have been given a gift! God bless you! 😊
Wow, I grew about believing/being taught that I was responsible for other people's "inappropriate" (i.e., bad) behviour. 4:37 I grew up terrified of other people's anger and repressed my own so much I got sick from depression. So UNHEALTHY.
I was the scapegoat in my family of me, mother and half sister. I learned early on it was not safe to display emotions. Either I was called a liar or that my feelings didn't matter because my mother and or sister had it worse therefore I was not going to get any attention or comfort. My mother self medicated in many ways over the years and when she got angry it was horrible. First chance I got to free myself of that household I did. If I could go back in time I would have gone no contact then. Later in my early 20s I went to visit my mother and sister as I lived out of state at this point. My mother in a high and drunken state threatened me and took her gun outside to confront me, thankfully she was too out of it and dropped it when she went to physically attack me. So I went NC at that point. And yey c-PTSD showed up, took me a few years to finally go to therapy about it after a failed marriage. The first and most difficult issue for me to get over was displaying emotions, in particular not shutting down my anger as that lead straight to panic attacks. My therapist taught me that anger is okay, it just matters what we do about it. That it lets you know something is not right and with that knowledge you can turn your anger into assertive action to change a situation for the better. This put a stop to most of my panic attacks. Until I ignored my anger while I was serving my last 2 weeks at work and the girls there just took it as an opportunity to be horrible to me. I was afraid to show my anger because I thought that if I let it go that I'd turn into some kind of monster and do/say horrible things. Well turns out that was not the case, the few times I have exploded in anger I've never done anything near what my mother did. Never attacked anyone, never said horrible things sure I cursed and expressed myself but I didn't ever turn into some asshole who had no regard for the person I may have pointed my anger at. But very rarely did I point my anger at an individual unless they did something. Usually it was just situations. All human emotions are okay to feel. And I really like what you said that it is just a sensation in the body. That is how I view most of my feelings (went I am aware of them that part is really hard for me still). Because I want to make the best choices I can for myself and other by choosing my action not just reacting with whatever emotion I might be feeling at the time. We stigmatize too many emotions and when you bottle them up that is unhealthy and often causes other sorts of problems (thanks gender roles). Me and my boyfriend had a disagreement and in that disagreement he accused me of saying/meaning something I have never thought much less said. This was his insecurity coming out and he told me to never speak to him in frustration like that again. And I told him no I will not choke down my frustration just because it made you uncomfortable. I was being respectful from the start and trying to explain myself and you continued to push a point that I told you multiple times that is not what I said nor what I believe. It wasn't until I showed my frustration that you finally took me seriously. I explained that next time I'd like him to trust and believe me instead of emotional reasoning. Happen to be an ENTJ and autistic, so I am very straight forward and say exactly what I mean, and far too often do people try and read between the lines and add connotation to what I say and then react to some perceived intent. Fortunately for me with my boyfriend I was able to cite previous behaviors of mine and he agreed that what he thought I meant did not line up with anything else I've ever said or done. And he did agree that I am very quick to talk about something that bothers me, I don't do passive aggressive comments like he in that moment perceived I had done. Thank Goth he listened to reason.
TLDR: All emotions are valid. Heidi is right they are just sensations and we can choose how we act. There is a lot of stigmatization of certain emotions and not learning how to deal with them in a healthy manner can end up causing more problems. Anger generally can let you know you are uncomfortable with a situation and you can use that signal to take assertive action and change thing for the better.
Heidi, it's been a fascinating deepy experience listening to your videos. You make complex issues into manageable strategies. They are helping me deal with my most intense pains. Thank you a lot.
O totally agree, great video! Thanks. I have found I may be angry with myself and not realize it. Or, I could have been triggered from a past situation and not realize that its nothing to do with that person at all. And when, after processing, I know it does have to do with that person, I go to them privately, not gossip, and attempt to express my feelings and reach restitution. If that person doesn't want to listen, or deny, blames, whatever, I set a boundary and if they don't respect it, I decide whether the relationship is healthy.
Gawd this video just fucking RESONATED. Anger is SUCH a dangerous feeling to me 'cuz I grew up in a home with loose cannons, and my therapist and I have often danced the waltz of acknowledging Anger as a Feeling I don't have to act on, but how to still harness it for boundaries so that SUPER resonated with me. This video helped me realize why a Friend recently thought I was being manipulative with an argument we had. Inevitably, I did WAY better than I might have done when I had less therapy, but I unintentionally put expectations and a victim narrative on myself which... sucks. But just so many good points. And things to learn on this fun lil' anger journey. Thank you, always : 3
What is anger for? Can you do a deep dive? Also, what is rage and hate and what is that about? Who is responsible for the anger? Meaning- if someone says something or behaves in mean ways am I responsible for the anger which arises inside me (though I don’t express it aloud). Is it about unmet needs and that I need to go deeper to ask what I’m expecting or needing at a deeper level? But what about hate feelings? I mean really intense feelings of disgust and hate? Is it about a more moral violation? I’m really confused.
Your personal stories are exciting Heidi. The way you share them is so genuine and inspiring. I also appreciate how sincere, and loyal you are for the Inner Child spirit of identity.
Another amazingly helpful video, thank you. I needed help understanding my anger in order to deal with it more healthily & effectively. I'm like a volcano, I internalise a lot but eventually something will happen & I can't help erupting - because all that emotional energy has to go somewhere. You explain things very well. Now I just need to work on changing my approach - which feels equally scary & empowering ❤
I think the part about agreeing on objective reality in this video really just woke me up, because lately I have been struggling with someone who won't agree on any shared objective reality of what happened, while stating their emotions are more important and there isn't an actual objective reality, unless the text is shown back to them or other people confirm the objective reality. And then they say that the reality doesn't matter as much as their feelings not being dismissed by the text/reality. I asked myself "What do I do then when I am constantly having to fact-check these statements so that I can finally express anger, set boundaries, and then resolve it?" Maybe the answer is that there is no resolution and that any stated boundary won't be respected by this individual? At most I learn to express my anger, if not to them then in some other healthy outlet? And maybe this is someone that is just not healthy to interact with and that is the consequence of setting the boundary?
I am learning! I have done as you’ve suggested, made commitments and see how much that has opened my world. Thank you, Heidi. BTW, I’m an ESTP and this is exciting!
Thank you so much for this, and for the rest of your videos. I have a conversation with my roommate where I know I'm angry about something valid, but my mind keeps trying to create stories that make her more disrespectful than she actually has been, and so I haven't known how to go about it without making the situation worse. (That, and I was typically browbeaten or punished in some way, for expressing anger growing up.) The outcome is, I just keep: A), dwelling on it and creating harsher and harsher narratives; and B) just getting angrier and angrier at myself. I feel like I have a lot more clarity now on how to go about it. In general... I see all the comments expressing their gratitude to you, and I just want to add my own. Like, over the past year it has helped guide me to a therapist who actually understands me, which... given how alone I've felt for most of my life, I'm not sure there's a bottom to the wellspring of gratitude I feel towards you. Your work has helped a lot of people, and I hope you take some measure of healthy pride in that.
Yeh, i'm angry my mother won't hear me and she is angry I had the expectation I might be heard. The perfect storm. Her anger is all expressed covertly and she only judges me for my direct anger. Her sillent treatment is justified in her opinion. I dont regret the anger I feel but any emotion at all repulses her. Which makes me angry. Ay por Díos.😢
Ditto, but I walked away 6 years ago. I needed to be heard, believed, loved, safe and valued. My ex mother was incapable of doing any of it and my mental health suffered for 42 years. Free now of the psychological damage and getting ALL of the above, everyday, elsewhere.
Wow that’s so impressive about the highway situation. Yes the $65 was worth your own inner child’s trust. Wish I’d watched this video a week ago lol would’ve avoided so much turmoil in my life.
I've been so angry of late to the point of rage. I thought it was me vs others but really you've given me food for thought. I know there's self neglect here... So maybe its actually been me vs me and not keeping promises to myself.
This is exceptional!! No idea why you only have 28k views. This should be 1M+ pure truth. Well researched. Well referenced. Just amazing. I really wish I saw this year's and years ago. My only criticism is that I think it talks most to the converted. I feel that the way you phrase things is almost too spot on. So that people who are not ready to accept already, can accept. I'm not sure how to do it better without it being multiple, shorter videos. But so clear. So great. I'm going to make this a standard training video at work. It's going to make a great difference. Thank you!
What I noticed that in the exact moment when someone is rude and this triggers me into anger - that I freeze so much that I have no idea what to speak. I do get ideas what to say later on. This happens over and over again - and for many years I was convinced this was social anxiety. With Complex Trauma I learned this is called trauma response. Now I have inability to speak up when someone is rude and intrusive and unfair - and I end up humiliated and taken advantage since I have issue with processing what is happening in the moment.
Omg same!! I need to find a pre planned phrase to say to my sister when she disrespects me to let her know I’m not ok with it and I won’t allow it any longer. Any ideas?
I want to add that once we heal our inner wounds, being triggered is less. But we must heal, know ourselves and our triggers. For me, getting super angry sometimes means it is something I am not healed from. Not always the case. I believe in respect and respecting others. Self respect is important to me.
sheer genius. thanks a million times over. so much of what you said I see in myself. I kind of want to send this video to my therapist, not so much to teach her, but so she has more insight into what I personally have struggled with for more than half a century. from just this experience with your videos, I think I may end up watching all of them at some point. even if they only contain a portion of the wisdom in this one, they'll be well worth the time.
My anger gets so intense over small things, one thing I do to help is think about what would happen if I exploded on people I care about, idk how healthy it is but it almost erases the anger
Wow! Thank you so much! I took down so much notes on things I need to work on. Now, I understand what anger really is and how beneficial it could be to mean if I use it effectively. You've just got a subscriber. God bless you!
Anger defined: "Anger is nothing more than a physical sensation." I very much enjoy your videos, Heidi, including much of this one. That said, your definition of anger is hopelessly vague and at odds with virtually everyone else's definition, including the Am. Psychological Association's. It's akin to saying that sitting in a car, engine running, claiming that experiencing this - just sitting there - is equivalent to the trip you're about to take.
What I found so far: Anger is a feeling caused by judgemental thinking. If you're in touch with your needs, you are not angry, but something else eg. Sad, frustrated, irritated, scared. Have you found another definition of anger? 🙂 I like to hear it.
this video is so great as always! what you said about experiencing anger as vulnerability really struck a chord with me - I’ve recently realized that I tend to experience anger as confusion and sadness. when I feel like someone is treating me poorly, I’ll often default to a thought pattern of “well, I’m sure they don’t mean to treat me badly and have good motivations behind doing so, and once I understand their motivations I’ll feel better,” and I fall into a fawn response of asking a bunch of questions about their perspective while ignoring my own. but while understanding their motivations usually does help me feel a little better, it doesn’t actually protect me from just ending up in the same situation again and again! so now I’m learning how to actually feel and express anger clearly and specifically and set boundaries about it as needed. as it turns out, most of the things that I’ve been angry about lately are in regards to how others express their anger towards me, and I’m planning to invite at least one person to consider watching this video and see if he’d feel good about agreeing to communicate our frustrations with each other like this video recommends!
Very well presented and very helpful. I am really angry with my husband because of something that happened earlier today. Typically, I overreact when I am angry and then find myself in a situation where we are dealing with this new situation that I have created and the original situation stays unresolved and as well I have lost the lead, as Heidi mentions. After watching this video, I am going to try and express my anger cleanly and clearly. Thank you, Heidi
I’ve done anger management before a couple of times. I’ve cursed out my boss my co workers and when it comes to family I just fawn. I’m tired of only being able to access my anger. Nothing else but anger. It’s exhausting.
Thanks for great explanations! 🙏 I like NVC for expressing anger: 1. Stop and breathe deeply 2. Identify the judgmental thinking 3. Connect with the need not getting met 4. Express feelings and needs You could also ask the person speaking over you "how would it be for you to wait talking until I'm finished?" as a request. Or trying to guess their feelings/needs for speaking over you eg. "are you really exited to share your point?"
Hi Heidi! I really appreciate your content! I’d like to request a video on No contact with parents and your thought about it. Your videos has been helpful and I think people with C-PTSD would appreciate such a video.
Heidi you’re saving my life, or even more healthily put helping me save my own life, one video at a time. Your content is amazing, I resonate SO MUCH with what you say. You’re even making me realise that our lives after trauma (childhood and then messing up so often in adulthood) have a purpose, because the authenticity you show up with, how our experience is shared so that I feel COMPLETELY understood by all you’re saying, etc, tell me that it’s the people who’ve been through it that can truly help others free themselves. It’s so inspiring and hopeful. Love you 💖
I saw this video at the exact right time. I'm in a new relationship and we've recently moved in together. I had a conversation with my partner about my feelings of insecurity, and jealousy, and the anger I was trying to deny in myself. Their response to the story I had created inside my head was defending themselves, ofc, as I am learning here. Leading up to this conversation was me pulling back after attempting to ask questions about some subjects, and them dismissing my concerns. I grew up with explosive anger and violence from my sister, and parents who looked the other way, and still find having my feelings dismissed very, very difficult. I'm glad though, that I do know that this story isn't the truth. And I find myself becoming so awkward after asking questions about things that I am curious about. And that I become so awkward that I start getting upset about other things, not at all related to the actual issue, and it becomes such an emotional mess.. I will practice this awareness and allowing of my feelings, and once again listen to Radical Honesty on Audible.
Few days ago my life changed deeply because of this. I could felt my anger right after I freez in the moment and few minutes later, after deep breathing and feeling my emotions, I could express how I felt when the exact situation happened. It was a boundarie that I asked for before more than once. It felt as my inner child is not alone anymore 🙏💖
I think I have watched the best video on anger. I express my anger specifically by not losing my calm and clearly communicating what I want out of that situation. My focus is on getting the result I want and not on blaming the other person for what has happened.
What to do if others think your angry, when I don’t feel I’m angry. “ you’ve never really seen me angry. Also, the definition of anger keeps changing, now if I’m peeved or miffed, it’s now called very angry.
You are brilliant! I love your explanations. The concept of being a parent to my inner child resonates with me. He is an abused inner child that needs love, respect and discipline.
