How to handle flying monkeys 

Don’t try to prove your case, it won’t work, they’ve already been manipulated by the narcissist. Instead let your character show through your actions.

When someone chooses to side with a narcissist, rather than the person abused by them.. that tells you every thing you need to know about their character, and limited capacity to empathize. Handle them as you would a narcissist..!

The whole extended family can be turned into flying monkeys by a skilled narcissist. it's a nightmare.

My rule is once you recognize narcissists, or their flying monkeys, refuse to engage. You will want to. They will use every provocation available to them, but not engaging is the healthiest response.

The older people in my community (of which I am now one) used to say you have to learn how to feed people with a "long handle spoon" and I really did not understand what they were saying back then (because I had no boundaries) but I get it now. The stronger your boundaries are the nicer you can be to people, because you are keeping them in a position where they can't do that much damage.

Unfortunately for me, being targeted by two narcissists meant that I had to deal with TWO sets of flying monkeys. It’s horrendous. I treat flying monkeys the same as the narcissists, no contact.

I BLOCKED THEM ALL and now I live the life of a monk. I am so happy to be done with that part of my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani and much love to all whom suffer.

The betrayal of those you thought were close to you is irreparable! It took awhile to learn this but no contact is the BEST way to protect yourself. I legit became an orphan.

I was a flying monkey once. I shudder with embarrassment. It’s true, I was unaware of the role I was playing in the drama. Now I understand more of the patterns, I can see the part I played, the part the narcissist played, and I had definitely apologized to my cousin for how I treated them based on what I was told. And I have cut off those toxic family members….

When a flying monkey cam knocking on my door to “talk” with me about a rumor, I just answered with a question. “What did she say when you defended my character” Anything else is gossip.

Flying monkeys never seem to know what “narcissists” are. And they certainly don’t know what a flying monkey is.

It’s easy to stay calm on the outside and not to react on provocations. But inside this whole experience is just devastating.

There is no worse feeling than being surrounded by people enabling your abuser, swelling his ego, blaming you telling you what you need to do to change. To realize that these people only care about the narcissist, you realize they are not your friend or family anymore, and they never were to begin with.

Some flying monkeys are stupid. Some are dangerous. Some are two-faced. Thank you Dr. Ramani for being empathic and at the same time REAL. Thanks for calling things as they are.

The bully narcissist shows up smiling and cheerfully acting like your friend while his or her flying monkeys are tearing you apart. Happened to me.

A great technique i learned for dealing with flying monkeys: i learned to text my brothers and their wives all on the same thread so there was a written record all could see of what i did or didn't say and their response. They couldn't twist or distort or lie to eachother about what i said. It really helped limit the drama.

I often feel more betrayed and hurt by the flying monkeys than I do with the actual narcissist. My relationships with the trusting alliies of those with toxic personalities have kept me enmeshed with those people much longer than my instincts told me to be. The hardest part is accepting that the nice sweet friend who will not judge you will also not judge the narcissist either. If you have one of those friends, NEVER introduce them to anyone you know is toxic and charismatic. Also, pay attention to the friends they already have. Givers attract takers, so while you may be grateful for their support and their place in your life, others could also be taking advantage of their empathic nature and using them, either to their detriment or to yours.

The isolation that happens because of the flying monkeys (especially the ones on the fence playing both sides) is absolutely devastating and heartbreaking 💔 I’ve learned that being quiet and sharing my truth with only those that are 💯 on my ‘team’ (and don’t gossip) like my counsellor and best friend is the only way. For me it’s about keeping safe and strengthening my soul. Stay strong everyone 💪

I have found that the best thing to do is walk away. Big hugs to all my friends on here who are dealing with this. Thank God we have Dr. RAMANI and the support of all of us.❤

The method I used is like a “trickle method”. It’s really difficult but it worked for me because the MonkeyFisher (Fishing for information) starts to see for THEMSELVES that you are not the problem. Let’s say that you used to be an open book with the Monkey, sharing ups, downs, where you went on vacation, how you spend your time, etc. When the N pumps them for information about you, they believe the N’s narrative that the N is curious about you, concerned about you. What I did was: not cut the Monkeys off, but I slowed the information about myself to a tiny trickle or drips. I only shared small positive drips of my life. I never talked about the N, never responded when the Monkey brought up the N. Over time, as the N gets more and more desperate for information about you, the Monkey might see that as weird. If you continue to keep the information faucet turned to a tiny positive drip, what happens is that the Monkey has no currency with the N any more. The N’s relationship with the Monkey was based mostly on how much information they can get about people from their often naive Monkeys, and how they use it in their power game. When you cut the information down to a tiny drip, the N doesn’t really have a need for the Monkey anymore. For me this process took about a year. The Monkey gets , maybe not discarded by the N, but the relationship slowly fades, becuse the N sees that there is no supply of information there. The Monkey sometimes, with any luck, begins to understand, even if only subconsciously, that they were actually being used as a source of information. That the nuggets of information about you, that they shared with the N were traded to the N for “being liked” . They didn’t see this when you shared information about your life freely with them, and they shared it freely with the N. They actually believed that the N cared about you or that it was harmless little gossip. When the N doesn’t call then as much anymore, or only calls to repeatedly pester them for info about you, they start to see through the N. Then they start to question, (again, maybe they barely allow themselves to openly question the N’s motives) but it’s like a gut feeling. Their gut feeling starts to change. Their spider sense is activated. This does take a long time, because it’s essential that they come to their own conclusions about the N. You should never ever saying one word about the N, not positive, not sarcastically, not negative, nothing. Absolute crickets. If their name comes up, pause for 3 seconds and change the subject. But don’t act angry. You’re happy, you’re busy, you’re living your own life. The monkey will start to question in their own mind: Hmm, why doesn’t the N get their own life?

I would also say to watch out for what I call, “fishers”. They’re the people that are pretending to be on your side but are playing both sides and they’ll “fish” for information from you to tell the narcissist all while feigning concern for you or to be completely on your side. I have one of those in my family. It’s a person who has to be liked by everyone so she’s playing both sides. She’s not a bad person, she just has unhealed issues of her own. They’re still dangerous and if they’re smarter than mine, they’re harder to spot. I find grey rock best for flying monkeys as well as subject changing and keeping them talking about themselves. I hope this helps someone. It’s not easy and can be exhausting. Take care everyone.

Once you are clear about the narcissist(s) and grounded in your "knowing" that you have clarity, first, keep it to yourself, and second, adopt the silent mantra of "NOT my circus, not MY monkeys..."

That feeling when somebody express exactly what you see is going on, but can’t explain to people around you because you know they won’t understand.

I was hurt and bewildered by those who believed the narcissist. I have no intention of allowing them back into my life. I am prospering and happy again.

This video is so validating. As a truth teller, I was on to my narcissistic parents since I was a child (painful awareness)). But I also felt hurt from flying monkeys (including my siblings) who were/are invalidating. Even after I resolved my pattern of being attracted to narcissistic men, I was still subconsciously drawn to flying monkey friends who finger pointed at me when I shared my pain and that I've gone no contact with my narcissistic family system. At 43, I feel at peace for the first time in life, alone. I'm excited to make new friends, even though feels sad to not have a foundation and to start building now.

I block every one of them. My biological father sends flying monkeys at me all the time. It is painful. I went no contact with every family member. They recruited so many people to try to talk to me. I blocked every one of them. I'm sure they are devising a new plan. Lucky for me, I am no longer scared of them.

Flying monkeys are junior narcissists. They all need a common enemy. And, if you stay safe and silent, they will turn on each other and then turn back to you for support. I am learning everyday to have boundaries and stay out of it. Relating to people in this toxic manner is not a good life strategy.

One of the problems with flying monkeys is that they can be very invalidating to your experiences, especially if they are family members. One thing that helped me dealing with my NPD family members was to keep a journal with dates/times/notes on the conversations. These can't be used against the narcissist because they will simply deny what they said, but you can use it as a touchstone for reality. I went through many years questioning my own memory from the gaslighting until I started keeping the emails, texts, and journal notes. It was only then that I realized the toxicity and dysfunction within my family. Years later I still refer to these items when I'm feeling like I misjudged events and people. It helps me stay strong with my no contact.

It's so painful to get messages from well-meaning friends and relatives who have been manipulated by the narc.

Seeking a clean environment and a fresh start is key. Connecting with nature has transformed my life in so many ways.

"it seems an entire group of people are on the same page that is at odds with..." reality (not just your reality). Betrayal on a large scale causes you to become incredibly resilient, to get really good at forgiveness, guarding your heart and realizing you are never going to fit into the false narrative groups. Also, I feel that most flying monkeys are either jealous and/or are also narcissists.

I also found that removing the flying monkeys from all social media platforms is necessary.

“No Contact” with Narcissists and Flying Monkeys ! Lessons learned! Serenity 🌸🌸🌸

I have an aunt whose children are twins. My aunt was always narcissistic but I recently found that she had commissioned one twin to gang up with her on the other twin. My sister and I have been watching this channel and studying narcissism. We have vowed to protect our cousin at this year’s family reunion. She is a grown up who has had her self esteem taken, she stutters, cries easily and has a comfort service animal. Her whole she has been abused. But not any more!

I moved far far away , and have nothing to do with many many people , I will never let them back in my life , I move in a way that protects my peace

“Don’t show your hand to the flying monkey.” Good to know. I will stop showing my hand. My entire family is one big group of flying monkeys. And I have been showing my hand my entire life in this hope that they will become kind and healthy and decide to stop. That’s very stupid of me. They’re not going to stop. I need to stop. The only person that I can control is me. Thank you for the reminder

My theory developed from my own experience is that all flying monkeys have something to gain in furthering your abuse by the narcissist, even if this gain is not consciously known to them. Flying monkeys DEPEND upon your being abused in order to gain or to continue receiving something from the narc, or at least from the situation/state of affairs. (I.e. the toxic status quo.) What else would incentivize the flying monkeys to do the narcissist's bidding and/or try to persuade you to stay in the position of the victim? My two cents: flying monkeys are just proxies for the narc and should be treated as if they ARE the narc. They're just facilitators of your abuse, even if they aren't consciously aware of it. One of the best descriptions I ever heard of a toxic group dynamic: it's like a square dance, with each separate dancer depending upon each and every other dance to maintain his or her position in the dance. If any one of the dancers gets sick of it and leave, the other dancers will try to drag them back into the dance, so as to maintain the pattern. The familiar pattern cannot persist without the participation of ALL the dancers.

1) maintain advantage 2) deflect responsibility from self to maintain narrative 3) maintain appearance of looking wonderful

Yes, the narcissist is the "victim" and "so hurt and/or misunderstood". Of course, they have ignored our need for support, understanding, etc. Their flying monkeys, in essence, negate and ignore us as well when they do the work of the narcissist. It does no good to try and explain how the double standard. You are so right-we can't "convert" the narcissist-nor their flying monkies-!

Had a horrible experience at work with flying monkeys. You are right. It’s like a swarm and I had a tainted reputation for a long time. It’s improving now but I was having panic attacks and stress related illness coming to work. Luckily but unfortunately due to the pandemic I can work remotely from home and avoid a lot of the micro aggressions. It’s always concerning to me that in so called professional environments the lack of discernment when it comes to rumors and negative statements about colleagues. Some people are very cruel and don’t realize that they can put people in states of depression due to work place bullying.

Thank you. It's a sad situation when you stand up for yourself and people who have even witnessed the abuse for years blame you, as if you were a traitor. Sometimes it defies all logic.

One of my oldest friends (mutual friend with the narc) has started bringing up the narc and telling me that I'm just being silly and holding on to old grudges. Sadly one more person I cannot trust anymore and will have to keep at arms length or cut from my life. Sometimes it feels like a zombie outbreak and another one was turned to the living dead

I’m going through all of this right now! It is incredibly painful. Thank you for truth and bringing peace with reason. Thank you for all that you do!❤

I was reading the comments. I am still surprised at how many of us suffer the same types of toxic relationships. It is like an epidemic and even seemingly good people still get roped into carrying out the narcissists agenda. It’s so sad. I am not religious but it is my understanding that “betrayal” is at the bottom of Dante’s Inferno. Betrayal is a very painful experience…especially when you think you are a good person doing good things in the world and you care.

Maaaaaaaaaan, I hate flying monkeys & enablers worst than Narcs!!! They're the ones who reward the behavior of the Narcs

How many people can relate to this in the workplace. The narcissists I know have never truly been interested in their work. It's always been used as a forest to chop and hide in!

No contact is best thing ever for me I am happy not having drama and problems with narcissistic people and flying monkeys behind them !

I protect myself by just not sharing deeply. Keep all conversations at the surface. With some people I'm just very direct, I just say straight up "I'm not interested in catching up, I'd prefer that we continue to go out separate ways." They might get offended but most of the time they go away. It very much depends on the situation and the person. With some I might say "Now isn't a good time to catch up, perhaps another time." or I might just say "I'm not interested", "I'm not concerned" or "I'm not available" other times I might say "I'll reach out to you when I have a chance" then never reach out. If you know you're dealing with a flying monkey why risk it.

Unfortunately, the flying monkeys in my life are related. I recently went no contact with my nmom last year. I had to cut off my little brother because he wouldn't respect my boundaries. One of them being not to mention our mother to me... But he kept on trying to insert her in everything we did and forcing me to hangout with her..absolutely invalidating my wishes. Plus, he became an informant to her. It was with a heavy heart that I had to cut him off. Then, my mom sent 2 of my aunts who by the way, never calls me or spends time with me... To "check up" on me. I blocked both of my aunts...and I finally feel free. It's not easy, but sometimes you have to cut off a gangrenous limb so that you can salvage your whole body. It'll hurt at first, you'll experience phantom pain and memories... But you will eventually learn how to live and thrive without them. I promise ❤️❤️.

I think some of these, Flying Monkeys, could have their own insecurities/jealousies of a particular person that they are all to happy to join in the abuse.

I live in a house with a primary narcissist and surrounding her are the flying monkeys. I’m the only empath in the bunch. I’m moving. I’m trying so hard to get out of here. I have a rescue cat who I love dearly. I have brought her from a meek, untrusting, abused animal to a loving cat in 3 years. Not about to lose her, she will not survive without me.

I was never able to expose this abuse.... these people can do so much harm and cause so much suffering. Dr. Ramani you have been my voice. I share your wisdom and counsel every chance I get.

Its really hard not to gaslight yourself after leaving the narcissist . Its really hard to remember the feeling so you start thinking “maybe i was over-reacting” . I would love a video to help explain and advice on how to stop self gaslighting after leaving the narcissist.

I used to be a flying monkey. My narcissistic parents used to go on and on all through my upbringing about how "unhealthy" and "dysfunctional" everyone else was, so I thought they were the ones doing life the right way. When my brother and sister-in-law called them out, and my mother disowned them, I thought it had to be my brother and sis-in-law's fault, and I chewed them out in a letter and stopped talking to them. After a while, my mother started treating me the way they said she'd treated them, and I realized they were right. I made up with my brother and sister-in-law, and to this day, my mother still talks about them like they're the most unforgiving dysfunctional people. The thing is, they have forgiven her. That doesn't mean they're going to drop their boundaries with someone who won't change.

One of the best ways to tackle flying monkeys in family is to set firm boundaries with them. This is what I still do . This approach maintains my sanity and keeps my relationship with that flying monkey healthy

This is my life to a T. I had an elder say to me on Christmas Day: "You need to respect your parents" (even though he knew I went no contact with my parents for years, and just because they reached out to me days before , he thought he had the right to tell me I was wrong). So I told him : "That's ONE side of the story". For the first time in my life I saw what was going on in real time and answered accordingly.

I'm often told that I'm not a 'people-person' because I keep people at a long-arm length until I get a feel for group dynamics or see if a person is narcissistic. Unfortunately, I have often been surrounded by narcissistic people so constantly watch for red flags. In reality, I'm extremely sociable, but it has to be on my terms and I refuse to be involved in drama that does not concern me. Flying monkies drain you as much as the narcissistic person does. It is really sad they do not see.

My experience, be polite but never forget they are not to be trusted. So many amazing people in the world, make room for them by creating space previously filled by a flying monkeys x

Their fate is terrible because when it’s over and you’ve left the scene with grace and class, they’re stuck with each other and the truth of how they’ve behaved… and they know someone is gonna pay the price and they all fear they’ll be the new target!

My adult children are flying monkeys . They just can not believe their father is a true narcissist and so is my mommy dearest, their grandma. Both narcs use my children ag me. I really don’t care anymore. I am willing to keep healing myself. It’s their responsibility to help themselves. Take care everyone

If you are able to do gray rocking, good for you. I was just so tired of playing games. I realized there was no point on having fake trivial relationships in my life anymore, so I cut all the flying monkeys out too. So far no regrets. I feel better than ever.

In my experience, the flying monkeys mainly try to get information for the no contact narcissist. “How are things going?” “How did you fair in the hurricane?” The response should always be upbeat and happy. There is no better revenge than living your best life. Trust me, your happiness wounds the narcissist.

Healthy leaders surround themselves with people who are not "Yes" people because they know it is best for them. Healthy leaders are focused on making the lives of others better.

Now I would establish boundaries quickly like, "This isn't your business."

I stayed silent for over 20 years. The flying monkeys were his family members who ostracized me without questioning anything. I politely withdraw from all activities that involve any of these people. They are not intelligent people and have no interest in knowing my experience because I am, without question, guilty of whatever the narcissist says I am guilty of. It's a sad world knowing these people will probably take their enabling behavior to their grave and never know they were part of the problem.

love these videos - i was bullied in school by friends turned flying monkeys. ive found the best thing is to realise it says in the bible 'if someone tries to rage against you they will wither away'. People wont have a truthful leg to stand on for being nasty for the long term. either you'll find them out, others will or they will endure bad karma. theres no substitute for being a decent human being. of course some flying moneys arent bad people.

This is so challenging because many times they’re actually nice people deceived by the narcissist

I Needed this today!! I’m surrounded by flying monkeys who try to reach out to me when I’ve went no contact with the Narc.. I’ve tried not to comment on their social media so that they don’t draw me back in the narcissistic pit!! It’s definitely a Betrayal 😩

Now I understand why my overwhelming desire has been to replace my entire social circle lately 🤔 And I was criticizing myself for it. Well, goodbye flying monkeys. I really value my peace.

I am in my eighth decade and do not control anyone nor am controlled by any one. Life is beautiful.

This is what happened to me. I have eight brothers and sisters who fit into this category. I still don't know who is the narcissist and who are the flying monkeys. At this point, I don't care. They worked together to create and maintain a toxic environment from which I had to remove myself. When they realized that they could not overwhelm me with the 8 to 1 dynamic, they would come at me individually The tragic part of this was that it was so obvious that I began to question my reality. What saved me was that I lived 2000 miles away from them I didn't answer my phone when they called. I would respond either by text or email. I SAVED EVERYTHING. At the end of every month, I would review all communication before saving it to a USB drive. . I was amazed. There is a 22 year difference. Yet they would use the same (alleged) set of events to prove how everything was my fault. The one that got me to end contact was the weirdest. I attended predominantly white schools from 10th grade through graduate school. Twenty years after I graduated, they started telling people that I would always tell them that I wished that I was white. I have no reason what they thought that meant. When I would deny it, one of my other siblings would say that I had always said it to them also. When my parents were alive, my Dad would just laugh and say how people always seemed to remember things that never happened. The last straw for me was when they started telling this lie to everybody at the reception after my father's funeral. This time, I just wouldn't let it go. Every time one of them would say it, I responded that they were lying. That made them more insistent. It also made everyone else in the room very nervous. Then, my youngest sister (who is 8 years younger than me) screamed "So, we are all lying about you!" I did not yell, or show any emotion. I just asked her "when did I say that to you?" She screamed "All of the time!" I then asked each of them to tell me three occasions when I said it. She said that I would say it nonstop when I was home for summer vacation from my New England prep school. I denied it. Then my oldest sister (the who is 14 years older than me) said that she remembered me saying it too. Finally, my brother who is 7 years older than me said that I had said to him during that time also. I responded that they are claiming that a teenaged boy would have a 16 year old boy would have the same discussion with his eight year old sister, his 30 year old sister, and his 23 year old brother. They dug their heels in and insisted that I would say it in front of all of them at the same time. Then, I reminded them that during those years, my youngest sister spent the summer with my oldest sister in Cleveland, Ohio, and that my brother was in the Air Force, stationed in Europe. There was no time during those summers when we were all in Birmingham at the same time. Two of my cousins started laughing hysterically. Then one said "Wow!" My youngest sister burst into tears screaming that I had used a cheap lawyer trick to confuse her. I asked her how could I have confused someone with a Civil Engineering degree from Stanford? That was the last time that sister ever spoke to me (15 years ago). The twenty or so people who had been hostages during this quickly left mumbling condolences for our loss. Once all of our guests had left my siblings turned all of the fury and venom they could on me. My brother who is 3 years older than me said that my behavior had been inexcusable. My sister who is 6 years older than me said that I had intentionally tried to destroy their professional reputations. That sister was the presiding judge of the city's municipal court. One of my other sisters was an executive at the local gas utility company. One of my brothers was the Superintendent at one of the city's suburban school districts. Another brother was a counselor with the city's social services agency. The last remaining local resident had recently retired from the Air Force and had started a small business in the city. My oldest brother (a minister who lived in Pennsylvania) suggested that we pray for forgiveness and then each send a handwritten apology to everybody who had been there. I stared at him in shock. Just when I was about to say "hell no!" I heard a car honking its horn in the driveway. It was my cab! I started laughing hysterically and said "that's my cab! Got to go!" grabbed my bag (which was at the door) and walked out. To this day, they are convinced that I had orchestrated the whole thing. But I had ordered the cab the night before. I laughed all the way to the airport. All I could say was that no one would ever believe this.

I'm extremely isolated and also dismissed (and sometimes one upped on, or victim blamed) by my blood when I am open and honest, as I was raised to be. I'm constantly getting sick and just trying to be well long enough to gain some autonomy back. Thank you for making these videos, because I can't easily leave my home.

Flying monkeys are challenging when you work with them. My former colleague and I were victims of their bullying. She called the flying monkeys bottom feeders and I laughed at the visual of them scavenging the bottom of the fish tank for the crap our narcissist boss "dumped". We are so happy we are no longer with that toxic organization.

I found the best way forward was to grey rock all of them, it's too dangerous to share anything with these people. Your well being is too important to take the risk of thinking some of them can be trusted, their intentions or ignorance isso dangerous when you are trying to get out or heal. It's not worth setting yourself back ten steps sharing with them. Get completely new people in your life and share everything with your therapist only. Do not ever let them in on your new social circle ever, they will taint and destroy it. Be careful and you owe all new good things to yourself and yourself only.

It can be very so upsetting for many people. If materially practicable, it's best to think 'well, if they're willing to believe that narcissist's lies, then they're not worth knowing'. I'm lucky to have been able to do it but it's not easy for some people, of course. The best way is to look inside yourself and be prepared to walk away from those who are willing to betray you on the say-so of somebody else.

Once you are sure someone is a flying monkey, you can strategically provide them disinformation 😊👍

Keep any contact brief and superficial. Don't confide in them or give personal info. Be your calm, best self and remember what they're capable of. When they say something mean or accusing, just observe and remember that that's what they do. Don't take responsibility for their behaviour. Don't criticise the narcissist.

That certainly explains one work situation I was in. I was bullied by a narcissist. The other members of the team either supported her fully, or warned me about her but offered no useful support. I was eventually cut from the team in a lay off. Although I loved the work I did (and I did it well), it was the best thing that could have happened. I was spiraling down into depression, and questioned my worth for years afterwards!

Thank you. I live in a very small town and the Narcissist has talked badly about me to our Town Council whom were willing to be their flying monkeys and so I don't go to any of the events anymore and it really hurt my life because it's boring in this town! However as hurtful as this has been, I have been able to hold my ground and my boundaries, yay! There is also a friend whom I feel may be a monkey, but not sure. Thank you for telling me to keep my intel to myself. This is really important for me right now.

Most of those flying monkeys aren’t friends nor should they be considered as such. At best, they’re “fair weather friends”….perhaps only “acquaintances”…certainly not friends in the truest sense of the word. Don’t feel like you’re really losing much by going no contact with whole groups of people. In fact, look at it as a blessing where you really find out who your **true** friends are. I’m reminded of something my late father used to say to me (paraphrasing someone else I’m sure)… “As you get older, if you can count your friends on one hand, you have a lot of friends”

About 15 years ago I went no contact with my siblings. The narc convinced the rest of them that I did all sorts of evil things. My life's been lovely since I cut the drama and toxicity from it. Focus on people who genuinely care for you, and have no relationship with anyone toxic. It's really that simple.

Oh Dr. Ramani it is deeply painful! Thank you for all your advice and you sometimes are the only help available to us 😔

The best way that I've experienced in deterring Narcissists and their flying monkeys is by staying dangerous... You must maintain a degree of distance and fortification that doesn't allow ppl to get too comfortable with you. Narcs use their flying monkeys to coordinate attacks on your fortress and when they notice that you're consistently on guard they will find another target. Narcs are not fighters, they are scavengers. And they will run from head-to-head battles... #JustMyExperience

Yes, this is very hurtful and disheartening. My ex not only seemingly successfully managed to get what felt like, to me, everyone (neighbors, friends, coworkers, family and people who don’t even know me) wholeheartedly in his corner, but he also made an attempt to talk my own adult son (not his child) into his self-dominating narrative. The strategy, skill and wide web cast were actually mind blowing when I realized the scope of his efforts, all the while maintaining a calm, cool and collected front with me to keep me in the dark and oblivious to his efforts outside MY home, keeping a roof over his head. Then, in order to test his success, he kept pushing me into the rejection, smiling like a Cheshire cat when seeing that people were treating me poorly and rejecting me. Wow. That’s desperation and flaming insecurity. I left him and moved out of state. “A lie can travel halfway around the world while truth is putting on its shoes.” - Mark Twain

My father would say it is ok to meet people and decide that you have nothing in common with them. Everyone thinks differently, be kind and do not continue to cultivate with those who have different commonalities that would like to 'put you on the spot'. He was a social worker.

Thank you for this. This is the most perfect description that I've ever heard about the flying monkeys concept. You help so many of us stay sane and feel "heard" when dealing with these types of situations with narcs.

You described what happened to me perfectly. I even went to jail for her false accusations. Changed my life. Destroyed me financially

Sometimes the flying monkeys believe the narc and won't listen to us. That's tough to deal with and not look unhinged.

Hardest part for me is grieving the depth of relationship I’d like to have with some people, ‘cuz they just don’t understand what’s going on

Yes, I have a suggestion. I’ve had my share of flying monkeys in my life. To a make a long story short, I created KING KONG to fight the flying monkeys. I separated myself from these flying monkeys and created a large group of positive friends, certain family members, managers, supervisors. When the flying monkeys came to attack my KING KONG protected my kingdom from them. I have many great examples. I’ve been working for the same employer for 30 years. The flying monkeys quickly turned away when my amazing peers came to my defense. Of course I’m using King Kong as a metaphor. But it has been a blessing. It really has. One of the keys is be the best authentic person you can be. And share yourself with others.

This video was so helpful. I got away from my mother at the age of 32yrs old..I did no contact and sure enough my siblings including my grandparents!! Reached out and tried so hard to get me back into her life. Eventually I stopped talking with them as well. Since then, I have had to move from my home after answering to the police multiple times coming to my home and asking me if "I'm ok" because my mom said I was held against my will by MY husband. Now, I've been away for over a year and I only get more crap from people for my decision in taking charge of my own life which could only happen with breaking away. I found through these videos that I was the scapegoat and my mother fits a malignant narc to a T. Abused physically and mentally for years. I am healing through this channel. I need so much help from doubt, feeling all that gaslighting damage and starting over from scratch. I was never allowed anger and I find that I am so angry and emotional, nightmares wake me. It's so crazy to come away and yet feel like they all still live with me inside.

I think this is where I struggle the most. I’ve watched countless videos on Narcissism, and I can’t figure out how my narcissist has lifelong friends that appear to be loyal. Once one of these friends punched my narcissist in the face for being in a rage towards me, then the next day they were fine and all of it was blamed on me. I caused the punching in the face… then another one of these friends intimidated me because of a fight my narcissist and I had a few weeks before. My narcissist went into the house and allowed his friend to leer over me and “scold” me… saying I was using the guy for his money. To put this is perspective… I am a 5’2 woman, and both of these men are taller and larger than I. The “friend” was much, much bigger. I definitely went into my freeze/fawn defense mode. Weirdly, after writing all of this down… I think I answered my own question. Obviously these “friends” or flying monkeys have issues of their own if they are punching the narcissist and leering over me. Yikes… I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried… what is happening with these people and why do I normalize their behavior in the moment, and then cringe when I think back? Much love and support to all!

Nine siblings. I stayed out of all the family drama, the criticism, in-law troubles, money, etc. I stayed peaceful, quiet to myself. Then after my parents got older, I was targeted by a group of (4)siblings. I was so caught off guard- happened at my lowest most vulnerable point. My mother validated the "wrongness" of them. Siblings called harassing me for weeks. The hardest thing is understanding why they would be willing to be so cruel. All i ever wanted was to be a fun, kind, caring sister, aunt. After mom died, I walked away from the whole family- even talking to my cousin means I will have to explain. I decided it's best to stay out. A couple of grown nieces reach out to me. And, I can call one brother. I'l take it! I'm grateful for that. The others are missing out, yet, I feel the loss. I'll always wonder why me, why am I so different in this big family.- why isn't one more sibling able to see the truth. I'm pretty sure I know who the ring master is..sneaky since childhood. I stand alone.

Shout out to the person coming back to videos/topics they already know about…cause they’re stuck in toxic dynamics and watch these just to maybe not feel so alone in their abuse. the thing that is so comforting about Dr. Ramani is the way in which she describes these situations. She says things with the same passion of (healthy) anger for the abuse. I feel she really understands & has experienced what she’s discussing. Articulates what feels impossible for those experiencing gaslighting & invalidation currently. She’s a recovered person we can look up to & aim to model. You can see the hurt in her eyes, but also her strength and resilience to BS.

This topic needs to be taught in high school tbh. I see so many people in their 30s and 40s just learning about something that could've helped them navigate Narcissistic Waters far sooner. But I guess experiencing first then seeing these videos helps more strongly validate our experiences so they we can easily recognize them if they rear their heads again later.

Thank you so much! The monkeys were flying like reindeer during the holidays!

Please discuss building new sources of support more. Isolation after narcissism and flying monkeys is very difficult to recover from. How do you engage with trust again?

Sometimes with malignant narcissists you don’t want to explain things to the flying monkeys because things could go back. Sometimes it might feel like If they don’t know the details they may not believe that the Narc is so bad, and if they knew they would be on your side, but realistically, even if the flying monkeys knew, they are such lightweights and suggestible and believe power is what makes a person valuable, that they will still give the benefit of the doubt to the narcissist.

I remember when my narcissistic mother invited my brother and a family friend so she can accuse me of something I didn't do. I was beyond shocked , burst out sobbing. Family friend had to pause the whole outrage session and ask my mum " she has been abroad , how has she managed to do all that you are accusing her" Thank God that marked the end of rhe outrage session but I was deeply hurt, stayed awake the whole night and considered no contact then which I successfully did. Am at peace now.

Really excellent video;My narc abuser kicked me out of our house after my stroke, we share children together,I have always been a super-devoted father always supported our family emotionally and financially;she filed for divorce, and still sent flying monkeys at me, as in friends that we shared; being part of this online community and expanding my support circle WOW! So with the FM’s I just realize that some people will prefer to go to their deaths in a state of naiveté, about the world, and I am going to let them have their preference.I am still close with my daughters, although I have great worries how they will sort the whole thing out, as they mature. bu t I now have so much love in my life now that I am not giving"supply" to an abuser, my life is quite wonderful!